{February 28, 2019}   Moonshine Is Not My Friend

Last night was our night to go to Applebee’s but things didn’t go as planed. I got off my first job and called into my second job before that. I will explain more about that later. Since I wasn’t going to my second job I went and took the drive to pick up Sleeping Beauty.

We had all planed to go to get something to eat and then go to Applebee’s for a while. After I picked him up we went to Bff’s house to get her and help her with something quick. Why we were there getting ready to leave a friend of theirs came up. Sleeping Beauty use to stay with him and left because of everything going on. He is bad news, not someone he really needs to hanging out with. But anyway, we went out and was talking to him and he decides he wants to go that is fine but then he wants to go to the pool hall for a bit first. Okay fine we decide we will go there for a bit. Well Sleeping Beauty jumps in the truck and goes with him. Tells bff to ride with me and for us to go pick up her aunt. I was like just ride with me he wouldn’t. Then when we left the pool hall we went over to Applebee’s and this friend decides that he is ready to go right away and lets go back to his house and drink. We were all like no no lets just stay we are supposed to see if this guy shows up.

He gets up to go and Sleeping Beauty up and goes too. Now I am done. I am pissed he not said hardly two words to me since he showed up we played a game of pool that was it. I called him said something about he forgot to pay for his drink. He said something about not having it and shit. I said well I don’t know you need come take care of it and he said sorry we we are gone. I hung up and in a few minutes he text me and said you knew I didn’t have any money. I said what so I am your free ride? I shouldn’t of but I was upset. he said wtf you mean I told you I hadn’t seen him in a long time and hung out.

I said I come get you want to see you spend time with you and you practically ignore me. He said we are all talking and having fun. I said we have hardly seen each other hung out either. You couldn’t hand out he says and you jump. He is ready so everyone suppose to jump and go.

Then he says to me you need to calm down you are doing the same shit you did last time. I said last time? He said when we tried to date. I said I didn’t know we did. I sent him a voice clip because I was driving and I knew he would have to play it and everyone standing there. I said I don’t know what you mean about last time because we weren’t together and I told everyone that they were asking. Then in the end I got my ass chewed because I told everyone we were together. He didn’t respond to that at all.

Well then we were at this guys house the girls wanted to go over there I wanted to talk to him in person. He didn’t say two words to me hug me nothing. He wouldn’t even look at me hardly to start with. I just looked at him he knew I was pissed and right and I think he thought I was going to start shit right there. I didn’t, I don’t want everyone in it.

Well bff went to her house and got a jar of moonshine and they were passing it around. I said no because I needed to drive home I have never drank it and I wasn’t in the mood to drink at that point. I was ready to leave really. Bff’s aunt said just sip it try it. So I did it wasn’t good at all. They ended up going back to her house for something and bringing another jar back. She handed it to me and told me to try it. She said it was much better than the other. I tried it and it was good. They passed it back and forth a few times and then me and her started passing it between us and the rest were doing whatever. There was hardly anything gone out of the jar and I ended up drinking the whole jar. I was sitting there thinking about everything that was going on with me and him and that we are only a week in and is it worth it. I was thinking about my dad and this guy was talking about kids and being there for them and taking care of them and things. Sleeping beauty was talking about not getting to see his and how he wants to and they don’t want anything to do with him and things. I thinking about mine and how their dads are such assholes and won’t have anything to do with them and he is around the corner. I just drank it.

I have never in my life been so drunk I did not know what I was doing or what I did. Let me tell you don’t remember much of last night. They said I got mean and nasty with Sleeping Beauty and Bff. I was telling her aunt all kinds of things about my ex and the shit he use to do to me. I ended up puking over and over all of a sudden by where we were sitting. I guess everyone got up and ran. They said I was trying to stay the night with Sleeping Beauty and do things. He was telling me no he wasn’t doing that with me tonight I was drunk. She says while I was trying to get him to go in the house with me where he was going to stay someone said something about getting pregnant. As drunk as I was I told them hell no go get my purse I had something in there to keep that from happening. That should tell you how done I am that I really don’t want more kids.

Bff said she drove my truck around the block and to her house and I open the door because I was going to be sick and fell out. When we got to her house I was out sitting on the ground beside the truck with the door open leaning on it. They said the guy who’s house we were at came down and got me up and was trying to put me in the house. I guess I sat on the steps out front and sat there for like an hour. She said I was yelling at them not to touch me. I was texting Sleeping Beauty telling him to help me. He was telling me to go in the house. To let them help me. I told him I couldn’t move my body wouldn’t move. I couldn’t move, I wanted to and couldn’t. I guess once I got inside the fun continued for a bit. I woke up on a mattress in the kitchen wrapped in a blanket. Bff said she came in looked and my clothes were all around the mattress. She said she brought it out for me to sleep on she was worried I was going to get sick more so she stuck it there so she could clean it and not have it on her carpet. All I could do is laugh.

Never ever again will I ever drink that. I was feeling okay this morning she washed my clothes and I took a shower so I could come to work. Sleeping Beauty called her and ask her if she could run him to work about the time I got out of the shower. I told her tell him I was going right by there I would take him. He came down and sat while I was getting ready. We were all joking around with him.

We left I said what the hell did I do, he said it was bad. I said are you mad about me? He said no. I said yes you are, I just kept telling him I was sorry. He said your fine. I said no I feel so bad, I am so sorry. I stopped at the store and got a bottle of coffee I couldn’t even make my coffee this morning. I got a big bottle of water. I took him across the street to his job to drop him off. I told him come around to my side of the truck he did. He said I’m not kissing you, you something. I said what why? He said you got puke breath or mouth something like that. I said I have brushed my teeth washed my mouth out and everything else. He said oh no I don’t care it’s not been that long ago. I laughed. I said you don’t have to. I said are we alright? I said I’m sorry start over I’m really sorry. He said yeah gave me a hug and told me to get to work I was already late. I was because the truck wouldn’t start and we had to get it to start and then I still had to go to the store and drop him off. I was about 20 minutes late. Once we got the truck started and got going I had him message my boss just say the truck wouldn’t start I was on my way. They just said okay.

I guess while all this was going on my mother called had a fit I had to talk to her. They said I didn’t say anything bad. I have not been home since yesterday morning. Oldest had to take kids to school today. I feel horrible I never do shit like that not be there to take care of things like that.

{February 27, 2019}   Communication Issues

I don’t know what is going on with Sleeping Beauty I have hardly talked to him since Sunday. He stopped talking Sunday evening, I seen him before work Monday and we talked a little. Then I didn’t hear anything from him until yesterday morning when he messaged me said he got off late the night before and stayed at a friends house. Told me he was working and asked to borrow few dollars. He messaged me later said he didn’t get to work he was home cleaning, washing clothes.

Then he stopped talking again until this morning he said he wasn’t getting to work we talked a little. I asked him to call me he asked why said his phone isn’t working. I asked him if everything was okay, he said yeah why? I said you seemed really upset Sunday when I dropped you off. He told me no, he was fine. I said you just seem like something is bothering you other than work. He says I’m fine calm down. I said I am calm. Why the 20 questions he said. I said you know what I will leave you alone not trying to bother you and piss you off. No 20 questions.

A little bit later he sent me a messaged said this is what I am going to do today. In a minute a picture came up he was holding up a bottle of rum. I said don’t do that. We are supposed to go out tonight have a good time. You do that all day you aren’t going to be in any shape to do anything. I asked why he was going to do that what would it fix. I said just like you tell me. I said so this job sucks then take today and look for a new one.

In a bit he said now he wants me to come to work. I said tell him no leave him in a jam for the day. Tell him he said you weren’t working you can’t sit around and not work you found something else to do to make money. If he wants you there tomorrow then you will be there. I asked what he told him he said he told him he was to busy to play his games. I haven’t heard from him since.

He never wants to talk and he wants to disappear or withdraw when you message. Why was he telling me to calm down and starting with 20 questions? That is all that was said. We really are going to have to sit down and talk this evening he is supposed to go with us because of Sailor boy. I know he is dealing with a lot too but he needs to understand that not communicating is just going to make things worse.

Like I told Bff, he wants to say you been wanting to talk and what is with the 20 questions, I am going to tell him you know what we can sit and talk about this or I can just snap on you and raise hell or I can just shut up deal with it on my own and stuff it until I say fuck it. So I know you are dealing with stuff but I am dealing with stuff too and we are either going to do this and open up to each other and help each other work through it or we need to just forget this and go our own ways because like this it isn’t going to work out.

He can say what he wants about Sunday, I know he was upset and something was bothering him.

I think that the way things are right now, him living so far away, not getting to work like he should, not having money because he is trying to catch up on things and wanting to help me and wanting to be around and with me and the kids are all just getting to him. He is trying to figure out how to make it all happen. He was asking me the other day about how much it would cost to get my guns. He told me don’t worry about it we would get them out soon. Telling me we need to get something else for me to drive so he can tear my truck down and fix it. I said something about how freaken far it is to drive and get him or drop him off. He said I’m sorry honey, I know I don’t like it, I am trying to figure out something else. I said it is okay, I’m really not complaining your doing what you have to do I’m just saying, just talking.

He told Bff he was going to try and meet her this afternoon so we could all go tonight but I haven’t heard from him and she hasn’t either. I don’t know what he is doing if he started drinking or what. She told him he had to go with us tonight not to leave us to deal with the stalker alone. he told her no he wouldn’t do that to anyone so he still planed to go. but he hasn’t gotten a hold of her and we can’t get a hold of him. But his phone seems like it don’t have service again. I am thinking maybe hopefully he went to his room and went to sleep. I am getting off at 5 or a little after I am going to try and get a hold of him. If I don’t I am going to message his mom and tell her to tell him I am on my way to get ready. I got there Sunday he was sleeping they got him. He came out said I told you to call me when you were on your way. I said I called and called and messaged you. I was going to message your mom but didn’t. He said you should of so he shouldn’t get mad and hopefully she won’t. Hopefully we we can figure things out.

Bff says she thinks he is dealing with his own stuff from the past and things. Like I said I am sure he is because I am too. But it is one of the quickest things to mess up a relationship. He has to decide what he wants. Even if he don’t want to talk about things he can’t just ignore or with draw like he is either. Jut say so and move on.

I am not asking him to call me 100 times a day, I’m not asking him to message me all day. But if we are messaging then say hey I got to go or I will talk to you later not just no response and nothing for almost a day. If I am trying to call then take a minute to answer or say I will call later not what is it just text me or not respond. It is the being ignored and just there one second and gone for the day the next wit no explanation that is getting to me. Why gone for almost a whole day say nothing.

She says I don’t think there is anyone else. I told her I don’t either but I am worried there maybe something else. I can’t have that. I may have said that already but that is what I am really worried about.

{February 27, 2019}   30 Day Song Challenge, Day 24

A song I want played at my Funeral……

I do not own this song or rights to it.

{February 27, 2019}   Six and a Half Years

Last night me and Bff were talking about Sleeping Beauty and somethings he is doing. I said I don’t know if I am over reacting because of things I dealt with in the past or if I should really say something and be mad.

I said it has been 6.5 years since I was in a relationship. It hit me how long it has really been. I knew it been a while but it seems like a few or not that long ago. But now really putting a number on it wow. Now I feel more lost than I did.

{February 26, 2019}   Day 23 Song a Day

A song I want played at my wedding. I do not know why this song popped in my head when I read this prompt but it did. Why not, not like I really plan to do that again anyway so I don’t have anything else in mind.

I do not own this song or rights to it.

{February 25, 2019}   A Chance To Be In Your Life

When I dropped sleeping Beauty off Saturday night he got out with his tools. As he got out he said I am coming around to that side. He came up to my door he said be safe and keep my kids safe. I said I’m trying. He said you know those are my kids. He was opening my door and I turned around to face him. He pulled me over to him and gave me a hug. I laid my head down on his shoulder/chest and we stood there. He looked down at me and kissed me. I just sat there, he asked if I was okay? I told him yes just didn’t feel good and everything going on. He said I told you don’t worry about it, you will be fine I will take care of it if it is needed. I said I know.

Few minutes after I left and headed home I got a message from him saying You really looked good tonight.

I said thank you, I was driving so couldn’t really say much. What else am I going to say?

Then he said was you okay with the hug and kiss?

I said yes and he asked if I was okay.

I said exhausted and…….. just left it at that.

He said maybe your mom will watch the kids you can bring me home sometime this week and you can stay the night and watch a movie.
I told him we would see.

I told him I made it home that I was just picking up oldest and going to the store. He said be careful please.  I just said always.

In a little bit me and oldest were walking around the store and I got a message. Can I ask you a question? I said of course and then asked him what he was doing Sunday and told him me and the kids were going to Bff’s for dinner did he want to come. He said sure.

In the mean time he sent his question. He said……

Would you give me another chance to be in your life? Because I wasn’t ready before.

I didn’t know what to say I wasn’t expecting that at all. I said um wow.

He said wow what?

I said wasn’t expecting that.


What you asked?

Would you like that?
I said yes.

Then yesterday I picked him up and we went to to Bff’s house. Last night the three of us were standing outside talking and something was said about us and Bff said something about if you don’t disappear again. real fast he said oh no I’m not going to disappear again. She said you promise or something he said trust me I’m not going no where. She said you need to promise her. He said I’m telling you I’m not going anywhere or disappearing on her again I can promise that, He was like very admit about it.

Later I took him home and he came around to my side again and hugged me and he laid his head on me and was just standing there. He had his arms around me. He wasn’t saying anything. We had been joking around in the truck before we got there and things. I had my head on his shoulder and I pulled back and looked at him. He wouldn’t look at me at first. I moved to see him again more. He looked at me finally he looked at me I could tell he was upset and he turned away from me. I said so your not going to leave or disappear again huh? He said no, no I’m not. Something else was said. I said yeah I sent you a text awhile ago and you never responded. He said when? I said it has been awhile. He said how long? I said probably back December maybe even November. He said what was it about? I said it don’t matter now. He said send it to me so I can reply to it or what. I said I’m not worried about it. He said no I want to know tell me send it to me again. I picked my phone up and looked at it couldn’t find it. I told him I didn’t know where it was. Not to worry about it. He said no I want to know you now what you said or what you asked. I said I didn’t really ask anything I just said stuff but I don’t even remember right now what all I said. He said please just send it to me, before I go to my room so that I get it before I get up and head to work tomorrow. I said I will see. He said really I want to know what it said so I can reply.

I left and on my way out I remembered where I could find it since I couldn’t find it in the text I sent him. I copied it and sent it to him. He said tell me I said I sent it didn’t you get it. Then he said yeah I got it.

It was the one I sent back in November, about what was he looking for and being scared that someone got through his wall.

He said he got it, then he said……I’ve been thinking about it to for awhile, and how you made me feel when we are together and would like to work and grow with.

And no I’m not looking for sex that’s not what a relationship is about.

I haven’t said anything about anything to the kids. I still want to wait for a while just as I would with anyone before I do. My friends kid said Oldest said she thinks or can tell that I like him. I don’t know what else was said. That is all they said.

Bff had to take a kid at her house home I told her we would wait with the kids until she got back. Me and him sat outside by the fire while we were waiting for her to get back. Little Bitty came out and was talking to us. She said something to Sleeping Beauty, he said oh you like me now? She said yeah a little bit I guess. She told him about being in school now and how old she was and when her birthday is. She went back inside.

Last night we left Bff’s house to take him home. This truck turned out in front of us from the street up from us. I just knew it was Father of The Year and sure enough when I got close to it I seen the writing on the back it was. The work truck. I told Sleeping Beauty you know who that is? He said who? Your ex? I said yep. I figured they were going to go to the little store or the dollar store right there but they turned out to go north the same way we were going. So I was still behind him. I don’t think he knew who it was or that I was back there.

I looked at Sleeping Beauty and said I just want to call and report him, tell them to come check him out. He knows he has no license and his boss does and he is still out here in the work truck. He looked at me and said you can’t do that. That is just bad karma right there really bad. I said yeah but. He said think about it, would you want someone to do that to me? I said no but, he was like no you just can’t do that. It will come back to bit us. I said fine I won’t.

We turned and we got into different lanes we were coming up beside them. He said can I wave? I said I don’t care. As we came up on them he waved at them and we went on. Then we ended up by each other again he came up on us. He kind of looked over, he just looked at him and waved again they dropped back behind us then turned off.

Me and Bff went and had breakfast this morning and was talking. She was asking about us and things. She said he was so happy and relaxed last night and how much fun he was having with all the kids. How good he is with the kids and things. That he really cares about them wants to do things with them and be around them and things. He truly does.

{February 25, 2019}   Don’t Text Me Anymore

Before I got off work Saturday Sleeping Beauty messaged and asked if I could take him home. Of course I told him yes because I wanted to be able to really talk to him about what was going on and why I asked him to call me.

I got off a little late he told me to meet him at the lot he works at so I did. We went across the street to get gas and drinks. He started asking me about what was going on. I told him well you know how everyone bailed on me last week, I went to the concert by myself. This guy started talking to me and we been talking since. He said don’t you know that you don’t go to things like that to meet people? I should bend you over my knee and spank you.

I said I didn’t go to meet anyone I just went because I wanted to go and he started talking he seemed alright I talked to him. I said I wasn’t trying to get with him or anything just talking. We got our drinks and gas and headed to take him home.

We were going along and talking I told him the rest of what happen what I told him and everything. He to asked if he had been to my house I told him no. But that he knew where I worked and had been to my one job. That he had been to Applebee’s with us on Wednesday. We were talking.

He said if something happen or he bothered me he take care of it. He said I just have to find out who he is first where he is. I said I know who he is and right where he is. He said you do? I said yeah I told you we have been talking and he went with us. I picked him up and dropped him off. I showed him the picture that I had taken of him and I together the first night when we met and I dropped him off.

He said I know who he is! I just had this sinking feeling. He said well don’t know him but he has been around with friends when I was with them. I said oh no! Just felt this hopeless sinking feeling. He said what? Don’t worry about it, if he does anything or starts bothers you it will be taken care of. I still have people that will take care of it. They aren’t going to not take care of it if he is messing with you. He said your okay he isn’t going to bother you.

Yesterday me and the kids went to Bff’s house for dinner. I asked him if he wanted to come and he was going to look at the truck. I dropped the kids off at her house and then went to pick him up. We stopped at the store to get gas again and all of a sudden I got a text from Sailor boy. He asked how my teeth were feeling. I didn’t reply he asked if or how that stuff that he gave me was working and then sent ??? when I didn’t answer any of that. Sleeping Beauty said just tell him they are doing good or what and go on. So I did, I said it was working and they were better. later last night we were at Bff’s house and he messaged me again.

He said awesome

hoard for you to scream omg it’s so good with sore teeth.

I never answered then he said my cooking

what were you thinking. I still didn’t answer.

Sleeping beauty said you have to say something before it goes further he saying that kind of stuff. I said that is normal stuff for him. He said you need to tell him to just leave you alone. I said yeah but what do I say? I mean I know I need to tell him but I feel I needed to give him a reason or what. I don’t know. With no reason he is going to want to know why or keep on. I am a need a reason for whatever it is when it comes down to it. So I feel I should give someone a reason for whatever I say or do or tell them.

Sleeping Beauty took my phone and sent him a message. He said I am sorry but I with someone.

He just replied really now okay later.

Things got crossed I guess. Sleeping Beauty said now and later don’t text me no more. I’m sorry are you mad.

Why would I be mad I don’t do drama bye.

lose my number.

I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know what he is thinking or if he is going to just go away. I told him I wasn’t seeing anyone. Everyone seems to think that he is going to show up Wednesday and it isn’t going to be good.

If he comes Wednesday and says anything to me I am going to tell him look you lied to me about your background. I looked you up and I can’t have you around me and my children. Just take it from there.

{February 25, 2019}   Song a Day, Day 22

A song I listen to when I am sad…….

This is the first one that came to mind for so many reasons. It is a song that hits a little to close for me.

I do not own this song or rights to it.

{February 24, 2019}   Day 21 Song of The Day

A song I listen to when I am happy. I love this song, it is just a good song and a nice one to play when your happy.



I do not own this song or rights to it.

{February 23, 2019}   Get a Hold of Sleeping Beauty

So we will call this guy I met Sailor he has a sailboat so. Well anyway Bff asked boss from the tranny shop if he knew him. He said he seen him before or something. She told him he knew him from the car lot he worked at back when. She said something else he said wait he did all the computers for them and took car of all that for them. He said yeah he remembered him but didn’t know a lot about him they had a problem with a car and him he took it or something.

He asked why? She told him I met him last weekend and then what I found out about him. He said it was bad. He asked right away if she had been around him if he had been to their house or mine. He told her we needed to get a hold of Sleeping Beauty right away. Was my first thought but then called my other friend because I wanted to see if I could get a gun from him. He told her of we go out Wednesday night we need to take him with us.

I said why do we need to get a hold of him? Why did he go straight to him? She said because this guy isn’t staging or fronting he done this stuff he knows what he is talking about and he has all these charges. He knew he uncle, dad, sister and old boss. Old boss seems to be the only one that remembers him. But her uncle looked him up said with his charges and all the computer and hacking he knows he is very dangeres. I said I know I have already told you this. I already know all this been saying it you don’t believe me. I have lived with the DV and taken classes trained in dealing with it.

But I wanted to know why he felt we or I needed to get a hold of Sleeping Beauty? When he was so against us talking and always making comments if he thinks we are or have been. She said he told her he could handle him and know how to take care of him and if he needed to he had people he could get a hold of to get it taken care of and he would.

When I got off work I rode with her to the store and tried to get a hold of him. I had not heard from him since last Friday night. When he said he wasn’t going home then never got a hold of me about going Saturday.

I messaged ask if he was up then ask if he could call me. He didn’t answer then I tried to call him he never answered. I messaged again and said can you call me asap things are not alright.

Finally this morning he messaged me back and ask if I was okay.

At this minute i am fine. But i need to talk to you about something that maybe/turn into a problem.

He ask what I ask if I could call him it was a lot to put on text.

He ask what it was about said please tell him what it was about. So I finally told him someone I may need help getting to leave me alone. He wanted to know who. I just told him a guy i talk to for a few days.

He ask what he was doing and things. I just told him call me when he got a free minute it was to much to explain. He said okay. He asked if I was working. I told him yeah I am here until 7 to call or stop by. He said okay. If I don’t hear from him by the time I get off I am calling him. He said he isn’t working he is working on his friends moms car. I am going to ask him if I can stop by and talk to him.

et cetera
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