{March 31, 2019}   Re: To Contact or Not Contact

Yesterday my friend J called me and said I didn’t know RC lived bla bla place. My family lives there, I was just there last week, it is only 3 hours away from me.

I said yes he was from there but I didn’t know if he was living there now or close to there or not. She said yes because they see him post about being different places around there. They seen the one place they eat at all the time on there why they were there.

I asked her if he was back with his ex or what and she said yes.

So I will not be contacting him. I will just wait and see what happens when everything plays out with child support.


{March 31, 2019}   Just Hung Out

Last night I got off at 9:30 I messaged Mr. Responsable to see what he was doing. It took him a few to answer I had already hit 95 headed home. He said he was home to come by. I got off at the next exit and went over. He said he had a drink waiting for me. I was going to see if he wanted to ride with me to get something to eat, but when I got there, there was people over. The lady and her daughter who live by them and his roommates girlfriend. He hadn’t been off work and home long, he hadn’t gotten a shower and things yet.

They were sitting in the back by the fire talking and drinking. I walked back there with them.

He come over kiss me gave me a hug. He said dang girl you done lost more weight. What did you lose another 15 or so? I said 10 more but he is probably right more like 15 or 20 since i seen him last. Its been a while. I said 20 more I would be where I wanted to be. He said girl you don’t need to lose anymore at all. Your a good size right there. Don’t let no guy tell you you’re to big you need to lose more because they are full of shit. I said no I just want to feel good healthy. He said you’re going to lose your ass if you lose more. You can’t loose that. I laughed told him it didn’t matter what size I was I always have that. It never goes away. He said well that’s good but you are fine just like you are.

One of them went and brought me a drink, I took a few sips but it was gross. I sat it dow there I didn’t really want to drink anyway. Just wasn’t in the mood. He asked what tie I had to be home? I told him as far as anyone knew I got off between 10 and 12. He said oh you got some time. We talked about a little but of everything. I like the ones that were there. The guys never came back until way later.

Mr. Responsible said dang I get to hang out with all you girls on my own I like this was joking around.

He asked me about Sailor if I had heard from him anymore? I told him no. He asked how I got rid of him or what. I told him just said I was with someone and not to bother me. He said good he was glad he was leaving me alone. He said you took him to your house? Told him where you live?

I said no, no, no I don’t take anyone to my house or tell them where I live. Just the city. I said I don’t do that kind of thing. No one is coming to my house. He said you mean I couldn’t come to your house? I said yeah you could come to my house. I you know what I mean I don’t bring guys I don’t know to my house or random guys around.

He said good you better not be because I don’t bring no one here but you. I just laughed at him. I’m thinking where is this coming from Mr. I don’t care if you go out or talk to other guys or what. Do your own thing. I didn’t say anything still. I said a friend jumped on me said didn’t I know not to pick people up places like that? I said what am i supposed to do stick my head in a box not talk to people? He started talking I just talked that’s all. He said baby you didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing wrong to talking to people. You just can’t take them home.

Later me and him went up to the store he reach over picked my hand up was holding it. He said your hands are the tiniest hands I have ever seen. I said everyone says that all the time. He said now I don’t want to hear what everyone else says or tells you. I just shook my head.

We were at the house and we were talking about trucks. I was saying I seen some nice ones with the 7.3 at good prices. He said girl what do you need all that for? Your not hauling trailers, boats and things. I said I do trailers at times and cars and when I move I want to have horses and will have to move them. He said true but your not moving right now. I said I am getting things in order to move and a decent truck is a big part of that. He said yeah you’re right I see what you mean.

He walked over to me and said wait now just one thing when you get your property I get one little spot to keep a horse on. I said okay and when I get all set up and get them I am calling you to come up there and get everything set up and taken care of. Break them, train them or whatever oldest needs help with them doing. He said alright baby you know it I will be right there. He come up behind me put his arms around my neck and hug me. He said just give me a sleeping bag in the loft of the barn I will be set. I said you are coming to help you can stay in the house. He said he be alright in the barn. I said um hum I’m sure you will stay in the barn. He laughed.

Everything else he said he kept telling them we been hanging out and talking for a year. How he likes hanging out with me.

It was funny he was wanting me to go in with him, I told him it was to late I had to go. He was saying just for a few minutes and thing. I gave him a hug and kiss and walked over to where the girls were talking. He came over there said something. I said look I am down this way every night now I can come see you more often. You just have to stop being Mr. Responsible and stay up past your bed time once in awhile. He was holding my hand and trying to pull me to him I pulled away pushed his chest pushed him back. The girl from next store said dang she told you was laughing.

I walked out to the truck then walked back up to the carport for something. He had walked over there was talking to me. She said I told you walk out to her truck and talk to her. We don’t want to hear you or something.

We walked out to the truck he hallered at her said it don’t matter what I say or do its not going to get her to stay or get her out of her clothes. She done said no its done she says something you know where she stands where you stand. That’s why we been hanging so long we vibe she don’t play.

It was nice just hanging out relaxing and having a good time. I really relaxed because when I got home I went to bed and I slept good. I hadn’t slept good like that in a while.

{March 30, 2019}   Getting On A Budget

I really want to get on a budget I said that in a post the other day when I was talking about starting this job.

I have been looking for an app I could set up a budget in, that tracks everything that I want in a way that I want. But I haven’t found that. I want one that tracks planed expenses and planned pay but doesn’t add your pay into the figures until you approve it the day it comes.

The one app I like I can put planed expenses in and it will take them out the day I set. But when I put planned pay in it adds it right away. I like it shows how much going out is coming up takes it away from your available money but tells you over all with it how much you have. If it did the same with pay that would work too but it don’t. But it is good to track daily expenses like those stops at the store, gas or just that few dollars you spend here or there. I like that.

The new one I found last night does what I want and a little more. But it is more for monthly expenses than daily and monthly. But it really help me set things up way better than the other. It is laid out as a calendar you see every day and it has a red dot for expenses and green for money expected in that day. Then at the bottom of the box it shows you how much money you will have on that day after either or both have been added in and taken off. If you go in and put in all your pay days and all your bills it really puts into perspective how much you should have at any given point and makes you think about how much you really spend.

It help me to put my bills in order too. It helps I get paid in Friday and Wednesday. I set my bills up so I pay one every Thursday. They will be on time and get caught up.

I really like it shows your pay and bills like that just wish it was easier to track everyday stuff. Like the money I spent at the store this morning or on the way to work.

By the middle of next month I should have about $1500 to put on a truck. I should have it paid off in no time a few weeks or month. By mid June with tax money I should have enough to buy a really nice truck like the one I have. It will be paid in full when I get it. Seeing all my household everything laid out and seeing what I can have motivates me. Seeing it is possible that I can do it is nice that we aren’t just going to be getting by.

If anyone is interested the apps are called Vault and income vs. Expenses.  Vault is the one that will really put things into perspective and show you what you can have on any given day.


{March 29, 2019}   Felt Like I Could Go Home

I wanted to eat something when I left work last night and headed home. I was going to stop a few places but they were all busy. I didn’t feel like waiting so I just kept going to the next as I made my way closer to home. I ended up past my house and kept going. I didn’t feel like going home either so I wasn’t in a hurry or anything. I ended up going north of me to where I lived with RC and the kids. Stopped up there to get something to eat.

I drove by the apartments that we lived in, I could seen our old place the light was on outside it was quite around there. It felt like I could just pull in there park and go home and everyone would be there and everyone would be happy and life would be normal.

It just felt so comforting it was a very weird feeling. I go by there all the time when I am up there and it seems hard to even believe we ever lived there before much less like going home.

I was telling Bff about it today and I almost cried. I don’t know why. She has asked me before if I would take him back if he ever came back around and wanted to get back together. But I couldn’t do that to much involved and to much at stake.

{March 28, 2019}   Want To Go To School

Ugh oldest just messaged me having a fit she wants to go to school next year. She can’t keep doing this and keep putting up with everything. I don’t know how I a supposed to get them all to school and home and work. This has been the problem all along. I understand she wants to go and needs to go. They have been doing online school this year. Oldest is doing good but she don’t like to be home with the Bitch and all that. Mr.13 is doing horrible but I am not worried about it. I am getting him something new to do he is just going to have to work over the Summer to finish this year. But that is alright because he hasn’t been listening and doing what he is supposed to do. I haven’t said anything much because I am going to get this other for him to do.

But the school they are set to go to is horrible one of the worse if not the worse in our area. I don’t want them there. They would have to walk or be dropped off or picked up. They will go after the little ones go to school and not get out until after they get out. I could still get them all there in the morning but have no idea how I will get any of them from school. Even if the older ones walk the little ones will be stuck because they will be out first. It is a long way for them to walk when it rains days and days at a time and when it is 100 degrees outside. I don’t know what to do.

I was aggravated because she messages me freaking out. Like I told her I am doing the best I can and what I can to keep things paid and give us money to have things we need and be able to do things. This is not my fault things are the way they are. I don’t like it no more than she does.

This is what I mean it is one thing after another. No matter how hard I try or what I do it is never right, never good enough. Something is always wrong. I want her to go to school but there isn’t a decent school. No one I know sends their kids to school over there. I have no way to get them to a better one. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. And Sleeping beauty wonders why I vent and feel the way I do. No he really don’t get it. He won’t get it because he hasn’t had to do it. He hasn’t had to make all this happen or worry about all the shit that I have had to do. Or other single moms or dads that do it all on their own. He don’t get that I really have no one who does anything to help at all no matter how big or small. He just don’t understand. No I shouldn’t have said what I did but it is true. No he may not be like the rest for whatever reason he isn’t’ a part of his kids lives and I know that it isn’t his choice and that he wants to be and thinks about it every day. But he shouldn’t of butted in on a conversation that has nothing to do with him or wasn’t directed toward him. It was a private conversation between me and Bff. So

{March 28, 2019}   What I Signed Up For

Last night one of the drivers called and had a problem with the load he was picking up. It was a return he needed to pick up and drop somewhere. Part of the load was picked up by another driver because neither driver had room for it all. There was papers for each but none of it was going to match up for either one because the way the load was packed and it couldn’t be split up for it to match the paperwork. They just needed something to show where it was going and to be signed off on.

This guy was all bent out of shape because his papers didn’t match his load. What was he supposed to be picking up and he didn’t think it matched. The guy training me told him it wasn’t going to match it was just to be signed it wasn’t a big deal. He kept going on about it and that it said he had this but it wasn’t there. Then he had so many of this and he had more then he had less then he didn’t know. He asked how many bags were on each pallet and he told him you can’t count them because of the way they are packed. They go back and forth for another 5 minutes or more. Then the guy starts counting the bags that are on each pallet after telling us he couldn’t and you couldn’t. I busted up laughing I said hey look Buttercup learned to count. Finally he got him to understand that all he needed to do was pick the stuff up and drop it where he was told and have the paper he has signed and that is it. It don’t matter at this point what is on the pallets as long as it is something off that paper. He said okay and hung up.

I was just shaking my head and laughing. The guy training me turned around and said this, this is what you signed up for! You signed up for this right here. This is going to be the biggest part of what you do and laughed. I laughed I said that’s alright I think I can handle it. I could be doing a lot worse for a lot less. This is nothing.

I met a lot more of the guys, we had a lot more trucks come in than I remember coming in last week on Wednesday. Tuesday and Wednesdays are our busy nights. A bunch of the trucks are coming and going from the yard and meeting up and coming and going from our other yards and distributors.

I don’t know how I am ever going to remember all their names. I told Bff last night I am going to just call them all Buttercup. I know a few of them but not many, until I figure out who everyone is (probably 6 months a year from now) they all can be buttercup. I can’t give them all nick names because that would require remembering who they all are again and it takes a while to do that. I would say I know who about 8 of them are out of the 60 or so. I have always been horrible with names. I take that back maybe 12 of them so far I know. That is between the guys that work inside with me the owner the yard guys and the drivers. But there are 60 divers alone.

I met one last night when I went out to the office where the yard guys are. He said do you have thick skin, because you are going to need it to work here. I said I’m good I’m use to it. He said there are three languages spoken around here, trucker, something else and sarcasm. If you don’t have thick skin you won’t make it. I said oh sarcasm, I have a shirt that says sarcasm level expert. He said what who? I said I do. He said oh really now, game on, challenge accepted. I said okay. He said I got to go but I will be seeing you around or talking to you on the phone. We will see how it plays out. I just laughed.

Wait until I start calling him Buttercup, I may have to come up with something even better for him, because I couldn’t tell you his name when I walked away. I shook his hand told him nice to meet you. He said you say that now but you don’t know you just met me. The guy over the yard said oh no it’s alright she is being trained very well and she already knows more than some we have had here for years. More common sense than most.

The other night we sat down and went over a bunch of our trucks and where they leave from and their rout. Now that I have this all written out and can see it, it is all starting to click and make a little more sense to me. As far as how to load, weights, and dealing with all the other little whatever problems come up I think I can handle that all pretty well. It is just the knowing where the trucks are and going and the order. Also learning all of our stops and their names will help. Once I have that I should be okay. I think by the end of next week I should have most of it down pretty good. I think for the most part if I was thrown in there and had to handle it I could get by and do alright. I think I would learn a little more a little faster as well. But at least I should be able to handle it. I may have to make some calls and ask some questions but the guy training me is making calls and asking questions all the time because like they said your not going to know a lot of times and have to find the answer or figure one out if there is no one to ask. I can do that.

{March 28, 2019}   Tomorrow is Already Friday

I can’t believe tomorrow is already Friday. I have no idea where this week has went. It feels like today is just Tuesday. I’m not sure if that is good or bad. I feel like I haven’t slept in a while really.

As Little Bitty puts it I just closed my eyes and open them, it’s not time to get up yet!!

I am not sleeping good or much with this new job and I am not eating. I am having a hard time finding a balance with everything. I work between the two jobs 10 am to 10pm or 12 am. Depending on the days. That puts me getting home between 11:30 and 12:30. Then if they need anything from the store or anything like that I have to stop and get it. I am not even laying down most any night before 1am. Then I have to unwind a little because I can’t sleep once I do lay down. Im not going to sleep before 2:30 or 3 most nights and awake by 7. It seems to never fail I wake up at least once so I don’t feel I am ever in a deep restful sleep.

I know I stay up late a lot of nights and d9n’t go to sleep until late but it is different. I go to bed really early, lay there relax unwind and does off and on until I am sleeping good. Where now I am at work those hours going going going and taken care of things. I’m not clearing my head unwinding relaxing like I would be if home. It makes a big difference.

I hope by next week I am evened out and use to it more. Can start falling a sleep faster. The stress of the bitch there to isn’t helping. I hope she is on her way out soon. She has gotten some money coming in now. Not a lot but she needs to figure it out.

Right now I feel like I shut my eyes open them a few minutes later and go again. I feel like I have been awake the last two weeks straight for the most part.

{March 28, 2019}   Mr. Responsible

I got off at 10 last night and was supposed to meet everyone out like we always do. Then after I am clocked out and on the highway home they tell me they left already. They decided not to stay. They had went out to dinner before hand because it was bff’s oldest birthday, they were all tired. I said alright thanks a lot I had told them I was trying to get off early and was on my way. I was hungry and wanted to eat but didn’t want fast food or something like that. It kind of pissed me off. I started to call my old friend see what he was doing I was coming up on his excite I could of gotten off there. I didn’t I just kept heading home. I drove around for a while and finally went home.

The two little ones were still up at almost 11 when I got there. I wasn’t happy but I went and laid down with them and we talked and joked around for a while. Little Bitty lost another tooth she was telling me all about it and their field trip coming up.

They finally went to sleep and I laid there a while before I did. I finally started falling a sleep and my phone rang. I found it and looked to see who it was because it didn’t have a ring I knew. It was my old friend, I started not to answer it but finally did. He said hey baby oh man it’s to late isn’t it? I’m sorry I woke you up didn’t I? I said I was just falling a sleep and that I got off earlier I had already left down there. He said oh it’s to late, I’m sorry I shouldn’t of called you this late. I told him he was okay we talked a little bit. He said he just got off work a little bit ago. He was out he wanted me to come hang out with him. I said I tried to come see you twice last week. He said I know I know I’m sorry I have been trying to be responsible and the adult go to bed early and things take care of things. I laughed so hard. Not that he isn’t responsible or don’t take care of things. I know what he meant but just the way he said it and to hear him say it it was funny. He said what baby I am I don’t have to work tomorrow so I can hang out tonight. I said but I do, I have to work. He said dam baby that sucks come see me in the morning. I said I can’t I have to be at work at 10 but I will be off at 9 tomorrow and in your area. He said I have to work Friday. I said that is okay you don’t tomorrow you can sleep in and stay up late. He laughed.

Something was said about coming over and things, he said don’t make me take an uber to your house because I will show up there in a bit. I said I have a bed full of kids. He said I’m sure you have an empty one somewhere. I said no I wish, because if I did I would of been in it they were all in my way last night. He said I’m going to go I’m so sorry I woke you up, I shouldn’t of called you. I said no your okay.

I figure I will call him this evening when I get off see what he is up to maybe. I need to just go out and relax. I was looking forward to last night and they all bailed.

{March 27, 2019}   A New Phone

I am not sure if I told you all or not but last week I asked the owners at my first job to order me a new phone. I told them this one will not update, is getting burning hot and I had to take it out of the case. Now it is cracked across the back and the screen is shattered because I dropped it. It is so small and the shape of it makes it hard to hold on to.

I found my phone I had before this on ebay and sent them the link. It is $120 vs. $900 they wanted at at&t when I stopped in there. I like the phone better. Pop’s thinks they should be paying for it and taking care of it. I just told them to take it out of my check each week. They said okay, but who knows what they will really do.

But then the one who would order it asked me a few days later about it and asked if I was just set on that one or what. I told him yes how much the others were that one does everything I need and has a long lasting battery. He said okay. Well I still haven’t gotten a phone yet. I don’t know if he decided to do something else or if he forgot. I hate asking but I would like to know what is going on. I was going to order a case and screen protector for it. But I do not want to waste the money on it if they aren’t ordering it or waiting or getting something else. If they don’t okay the price of something else with me first I’m not paying for it.

I was going to ask today but with all the bad weather no one really came in. The one did for like 5 minutes and left. I am going to ask him tomorrow if he ordered it or if he is still going to? Just tell him I am ordering things for it but didn’t want to if I wasn’t getting it. Or not right now i could use that money for something else.

That way if he forgot maybe he will go ahead and do it. Or i may just ask him if he wants me to order it since its all logged in with all the info and everything needed on my computer. We ship things back and forth through ebay with people who buy services.

I have no sercice here at my new job with this phone. I don’t know if it is location and building or if it is phone not working. I figure it is a little bit of everything. It drives me crazy I can’t do anything on my phone or I have to go outside.

{March 27, 2019}   What a Nasty Day

It’s just now lunch time and the weather has been nasty out for the last 3 hours. I took the little kids to school and dropped them off. Then I took oldest to the store and dropped her off at home. I decided to go pick up my last check at the car lot before work since I don’t have time to get it or cash it between jobs.

I pulled up it was raining some but not bad. Me and oldest were looking at it across town and talking about how it didn’t seem like we were going to get any rain it was blowing over. Well about the time I went to open my door and get out it sounded like someone threw a baseball at my truck. Then again and then it sounded like marbles and baseballs pelting my truck all over and it was pouring out. It was hailing like crazy. I can’t think of the last time I seen hail even during hurricanes I hadn’t seen hail.

My sister and Bff sent me pictures it looked like it snowed outside their houses. Bff said it was all over the sides of the road by her house. I was surprised because it was gone about as fast as it hit where I was at and around where I was driving.

I finally made a run for it and got my check. Then I went to cash it, but between the hail and the train I ended up turning around going to get my coffee and coming to work. It looked like it was stopping when I got here but the last two hours it has poured and hailed more. I wanted to get food but I didn’t want to get stuck in the rain and hail. I maybe a little late to work this evening because I am hungry and want to eat. If I don’t eat then it will be at least 5 more hours before I get to eat. If it is nasty out when I leave I will probably just have to go to work or I will be to late because of the time it takes to get there. Add the rain and it will take an hour or more to get there if I stop to get something to eat.

I may just go in and when everyone leave I will just go up to the little store and grab something. We have a wa wa about half a mile up the road. I have never been to one but I know they have hot food and things and are supposed to be good. The guy training me had a sub from there the other night it smelled really good. I have food at home I was going to bring I forgot to go in and get it this morning the kids were running late for school again.

et cetera
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