{March 11, 2019}   It Couldn’t Just Be Left As A Nice Day/Night

I got Mr. 8 off to school and laid back down with Little Bitty who was still sleeping. I talked to Bff for a bit and had about 45 minutes before I had to get up and get ready and leave for work. I tried to go to sleep and woke myself up dreaming and talking in my sleep. I don’t ever know of me talking in my sleep. I have been dreaming a lot this last week. A lot about my dad and him being a live but not being able to get to him or see him. Something is wrong I never “find” him or get to “see” him. I don’t know what that is all about. I don’t even know what I was dreaming about this morning it was like as soon as my eyes closed I was dreaming and fighting or something. Like I said I woke myself up. It had only been minutes, I didn’t even know  you can start dreaming that fast.

I laid there for about 20 more minutes and finally got up. I heard my phone go off but never looked to see what it was or who. I figured it was Bff sending me something. When I decided to get up I looked to see what she had said. It wasn’t her, it was Sleeping Beauty. I seen seen hey I’m sorry, I thought what? Then I read the rest.

It said hey I’m sorry but we are not together or getting together okay? I was really confused because I never said anything the one asked last night and I said no. I never acted like we were or anything like that didn’t think anyone had or was. I said I know this were did this come from? He didn’t answer so I asked again. Where this came from.

Finally he said because the kids were talking to him after I left and thy told him I said it. I asked what kids? Bff’s kids? I said no I never said anything to any of the kids about anything not even the other week. I never anything to any of them. He says I heard different just saying. I told him I didn’t know unless Bff said something to them the other week they thought from that. I told him he heard me tell her right there when she asked no. and asked him who said it. Of-course he came off with he wasn’t getting into it he was at work he just saying.

I just told him that other than her asking when we were both sitting there and him knowing I told her no he was there if something was said after I left I would like to know what by who? Not just shit being said to me about something I know nothing about. I said unless they heard bff tell her ol man that he was coming with me because she didn’t want him getting pissed off at her about you being there. I told him she told me yesterday sh told him that. I told him I would put a stop to that if I had to tell him myself. We went back and forth because he coming off with what did I just say I don’t want to talk about it. I told him he was the one messaged me starting on me about something I knew nothing about. Instead of asking what they were talking about or if I said something? While I had already sat there with you and told her no. While you said nothing sitting there looking at me like you didn’t know what to say. I’m not talking about it no more I told you and her you go still texting.

I said why message me if you don’t want to talk? If there is nothing to talk about or you didn’t want to talk then there was no reason to say something to start with. He says Stop

I was done, I said, I will just got to the one who said something figure it all out set shit straight after work. Have a good day.

He wanted me to stop I was stopping. Then he messaged me back again after that said no your not just leave the kids out of it damn.

I said don’t worry about it, you don’t want to talk I will figure it out. and left it at that. He hasn’t said anything back since then. I told Bff that he will probably message her about it since I said I was going to go talk to the kids. But what he don’t know is that me and Bff have already talked about it. I messaged her right away and told her we needed to talk because I wanted to know what was said by who and why he was coming at me with all this to start with before I messaged him. I figured if something was said that would be a problem she would of said something, it seems he is making more out of something that was said than there is to it.

Like Bff said, did the kids really say something or has this just all been on his mind since we were all together last night? He felt he needed to say something for some reason?

I was already thinking who is he trying to convince here we are not together me or him? Because I’m good but he don’t seem to sure the look he had the other night and the fact he keeps bringing it up? I had said that to her in a messages on line that she hadn’t even read yet.

I also told her when he first said this and started that next Sunday when we all get together I am going to call all the kids in together at one time and make sure he is there too. I am going to say I have something to say, Me and Sleeping Beauty are not together or getting together, we are all just friends. I guess something was said last week about I said something about us being together or getting together I don’t know what was said or why but I haven’t told any of you anything like that so something was taken wrong somewhere along the line. This clears everything up.

She said she was going to tell him that we were going to handle it and do this Sunday, I told her if she does I bet he stops coming around and to just not say anything about it if he messages her or calls. Just to tell let him talk or what. Because I want to see what the kids say Sunday with him sitting there. If they say we never said you two were together or or this was what was really said or just the one says I asked and you said no that was all that was ever said. Because if he is saying the kids said something that they didn’t then I want to know that too. If that is the case then I don’t think he needs to be around if he is going to do stuff like that.

Bff says maybe he just said it wrong or didn’t know how to word it or what. He isn’t much of a talker he don’t like to talk and things. I said I don’t care, don’t come at me saying I was told you said this or this and then not want to talk about it or tell me where it came from what was said or what. It’s like it was said so it is true I’m telling you and your not supposed to have anything to say about it. I don’t get it with him. I told her it’s like he wants someone that he just says what he has to say and that is it your listen and don’t have a response back. That shit don’t fly with me friend or other wise. She says you don’t know how he was done in the past and how he was treated and things. You don’t know what his relationships in the past were like. I don’t care I know everyone comes up with their own coping whatever’s, but you can’t do this kind of thing you are not ever going to get anywhere have more in life.

Like I told her too, I think he still has this very distorted or twisted thought about something I have done or I am doing. It is like all of a sudden he just has this picture or idea about me that is so bad. The comment he made about being out and talking to people and something else he said yesterdays and this.  Just being around him it’s like he really don’t want to be around me but then one minute he is messaging me about his aunt or what then the next its something like this. I don’t know I don’t get it. Like I told Bff, I wish I had just left him alone and never even started talking to him to start with when I looked him up. But I gave him a chance and then I don’t know how or why I fell for him. Then I was okay with just being friends and then he said what he did all of a sudden out of the blue I thought okay try it and now look. I really don’t get it. The comments he made about my working and being with me kids and guys.

Like I told bff so whatever changed his mind is something that I said or done. Before I even drank that night. That day he got in the truck something seemed different then things just snowballed from there. But anyway like I told her okay I screwed up some how some way. Just tell me even if you don’t want to talk about it, fix it have an explanation for it or what. That is fine but tell me so I know what I did wrong. I know not to do that again with someone else or what. I don’t know what bothers me more the feelings I have and the way everything is or the fact that his whole view or thought of me seem to go from good to so bad so fast that I don’t know why. I don’t know for me it is like it has to be pretty bad for him to just say what he did and it bothers me because I don’t know why it bothers me I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I guess because if you say you still want to be friends or we should just be friends then have enough respect for me to at least tell me what the fuck is going on and if it is that bad like you seem to think then why do you still want to be friends? And then dealing with my over all feelings about him on top of it and my feelings in general about life and meeting someone. I am just a mess.

Like I just told bff, I get hit with this this morning that the other day ok you made it clear the other day, I told her no last night, why is he still coming at me with this? I don’t need him to stomp it in. I have and am beating myself up over it all more than anyone could. I don’t need to keep hearing it from him. She knows I like him and wanted to get together and things. But I have never told her how I really felt about him. I had just said to her last night in a messages there was something I had never told her I would tell her when I seen her or talked to her again. Then all this happen I still haven’t told her.

I guess I can’t figure out how we went from I need to get something to drive so he could fix my truck and we need to get my guns out of pawn and he was going to try to fix something he found to get money to do that. To I am basically out whoring around. That is what it really comes down to plain and simple it seems to me with the comment of being home and not talking to lowlifes, what I was doing when I drove that truck and picked up the desk for Mr. Auto and the shower comment after. I don’t get how you go from one extreme to the other in a mater of like 24/48 hours. Then I know the drinking and what happen didn’t help but I really think that didn’t have a lot to do with it. I think this was all things that were said and done before that ever happen. That was just a sliver of it if it was and that if the other had not happen things would of been okay.

I know this is long as fuck and ramble but look what the fuck feelings and guys will do to you. I am ready to shut down go back into my hole and keep to myself. Not talk to anyone not do dinners Sunday nothing no more. Just me and my kids keeping to ourselves. Like they said before I don’t need friends or anything because look what always happens. We or I end up hurt and screwed in the end.

[…] Lowlifes and was trying to figure out what Sleeping Beauty was talking about. I like I said in It Couldn’t Just Be Left As A Nice Day/Night He has this distorted view or idea of me all of a sudden for some […]

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