over 11,000 steps in an hour and half. I walked the 4.5 miles to work this morning. I was super surprised it only took my an our and a half. I really thought it would take close to two. I wasn’t sure what way to go and was going to try and catch a bus part of the way at least. But the way I went there wasn’t really a bus. I had some guy before I got out of my neighborhood two guys in a van or suv type thing stopped and was trying to talk to me. Then I get up by the main road and here he came again stopped talking to me and things. I am not even sure if he had the other guy with him or not because I just didn’t even look at him I kept walking. He said something and took off. He didn’t like it I didn’t to him. Then I don’t know how many other guys waved or calling out to me at me.

I am at my day job and have no idea how I am going to get to my night job or home if I do. I don’t know how I am going to get there until I am able to get my truck fixed. I am tired right now I just want to put my head down and go to sleep.

Worse part was walking up the bridge, had the bridge not been there I would of been about 5 minutes or so cut off my time. The view was nice

The view from the top of the bridge.


I also stopped at the little store a block or so away from work and grabbed a tea and a couple bottles of water. Yes I said a tea. I was so thirsty and hot I wanted something besides water. I wanted favor. I kind of wanted a coke but knew that would not go down well as hot as I was and as long as it has been since I had one. All the sweet and carbonation. I straightened my hair before I left and it is a mess now. Needless to say it is back in a clip. I am now searching for a ride tonight. I need to call and tell them I am not coming but I need to turn my hours in so that I can get paid and I need to work tonight so it will be on next weeks check. I just don’t know what to do or where to turn.

{April 28, 2019}   So This Happened


So me and oldest backed out of the driveway to go shopping for the week for them and I almost do not stop going backwards. I try pulling forward and again not stopping. I wait for cars to go around me get from behind me everything and pull back into the yard. Get out to find it gushing break fluid.

I get under it and look to find

the caliper leaking all over. I just walked away. I walked up to the store got the things we needed for the night and tomorrow. Then we came home I found

This the break laying in the street. I have no idea what I am going to do. I should be ahead and I’m not. I am going to be even further behind and sunk because I have no way to fix it and no one to fix it if I had money for parts and labor. I had to buy a washer a drier, have had both dogs to the vet bought a tire, paid and paid to get bills caught up. I can walk the 5.5 miles to my day job but I have no idea how to get 20 miles to my night job and 20 miles home. I can’t fix my truck for a few weeks because I have rent and things to pay. I won’t have it then if I can’t get to my 2nd job and lose it. I will be sunk because it is where I am making more money.

I have been doing so good with my depression even with all the extra things that have been happening because I knew I was going to still be okay and get ahead. Now this is bad really bad I have no idea what to do. Other than cry. I can’t ask bff because she is working and she dealing with her own crap right now she is hardly talking to anyone. She working when I have to be at either job. I really don’t talk to anyone else.

{April 27, 2019}   A Week of Monday’s

I do not know where this week went, I went to bed Monday and woke up it was Friday is how I feel. All the days in between were all a Monday’s something had to happen everyday.

Monday was just a bust because after giving everyone Friday off I had to take 2 hours off. I had to go to an IEP meeting then deal with child support. Got to work an hour late left an hour early. Was late to my second job from there.

Tuesday I open the door at work and lights are on I was trying to figureout if someone was there still or they had left. All of a sudden I start tripping over something and kicking something around. I yelled shit! Before I even thought. All of a sudden the one owner came running in. He had his dog there the day before and had sat a bowel of water back out of the way for her. I left early so I didn’t pick it up. He forgot about it when they left they don’t use the door it was by. He forgot I do I think or just meant to pick it up. It was under my feet and I was kicking it around, it spilled all over. I couldn’t get it from under my feet. I finally got around it. He was like I’m so sorry I forgot it was there and left it. I’ll clean it up don’t worry about it. So he did that while I was opening and clocking in.

Wednesday I go in I am running late but still on time. I woke up at time I should of been leaving. I stopped at the store for my coffee and water and needed gas. I realised I left my bank card at home. The only money I have is the change in the truck. So I was between work and home and running late. I had to decide to go back or go to work. I grabbed my coffee and went to work. I didn’t want to be late. I asked them at work if I could take $50 until the next morning for gas and to grab something to eat on my way to work. It was our night we went out too and I needed money. I told him I walked out without my bank card I have it the next morning. He said it’s almost pay day don’t worry about it we can take it out of that. That is what we did.

I was going to do my hair, make up and put on a cute outfit too. But I woke up at 9:28 had to be at work at 10. There was no way I could not take a shower so that’s all that go done.


This is how I felt like I looked. Not being able to sleep at night is really starting to get to me. I don’t know what I am going to do. I think I need to get back on my meds.

Thursday Thursday I had to go to the bank, water department post office and to pay a bill. Everything is in our down town area but the bill I needed to pay. I went took care of everything but the bill because they weren’t open. I tried to call and pay it and it ddeclined my card 2x. I am looking at the money I have in the bank it shouldn’t. I take time between jobs to run out of my way to pay it and it declines again. The guy there I know said it’s your bank they will not let you make this kind of payment with your card. I have to go pay them today because I couldn’t run all over town and go back.

Friday I laid down after I drop kids at school and woke up with 20 minutes to be at work. I got dressed stopped at the store I go to in the morning. I had to get my coffee not getting it isn’t an option. I get it get a few other things and sit it on the counter. I pay the lady reach over to get my change and knock my coffee over. It spills everywhere, counter, floor and just missed meme as I jumped back. There was a line full of people it almost got some of them. The lady behind me said I was watching and I still can’t figure out how that happen. I don’t either. I got another coffee and finally made it to work 7 minutes late.

Just a week of Monday’s.



{April 26, 2019}   Pushing Away

I have not heard from Special K in a week. I told him last week I was getting off early and then got off earlier than I had planed so I asked him right out if he wanted company or about coming over and I have not heard from him at all. I don’t know how I really feel about that. It sucks because I do have feelings for him, and came to the realization that Maybe He Is The One . I think the worse feeling is knowing that I didn’t want him to go away but that I pushed him away. I know I said a few times that I wanted to cut things off because I felt bad because, he wanted more and I didn’t. But at the same time I couldn’t and didn’t know why. I kept going back and back, but I did because it felt good being with him, I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt I mattered, I felt he took the time to listen and wanted to know what was going on with me or just let me vent. He did little things and didn’t say anything but like to let me know he noticed something I said or did or posted even.

One thing that stands out is a night I went over and we sat at the table and talked for a while. I noticed he had the radio on in the other room. It wasn’t loud just enough you could hear it background noise you could say. It as all songs I listen to I listen to all kinds of stuff but Country mostly when I am alone and had been posting some songs on facebook or post some here and there. It was different ones I had put on there or that I normally listen to.

The the way he didn’t try to just rush in and want to take care of things. He say he wanted to help and work together and that person can’t really do it on their own.

How he said he wasn’t going anywhere, he was there for as long as I would let him. That he wanted to improve his life and I did mine that as long as we were working together we would bring each other up.

Just a lot he has said and done that I should of looked at different and didn’t or I should of really thought about instead of all the reasons not to.

I pushed him away like I did RC, just in a different way. To be honest he probably would of been just as good as my relationship with RC maybe better.

{April 26, 2019}   The Thrill of The Hunt

While writing another post I had the thought, why do we always want what we can’t have or what doesn’t want us? Why do we feel the way we do about people and why do we have feelings for people that aren’t good for us, but not the same feelings for the ones that want us or are better for us? Why don’t we see it at the time? We take so long to before it hits us that wow that one is no good and this one we pushed away was probably what we have been looking for all along for years and now we pushed them away.

It hit me it isn’t really about the person so much as it is about the hunt or the catch is probably better word. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, it is finding that one and then trying to catch it. If they play hard to get or what just makes it that much more intrigued or want it more because you think you know them think you have them figured out. All while you know this isn’t good this isn’t right and they do this or that and make you made you then make excuses for them. They are just scared, they are just not sure yet, they are just waiting for……the list goes on and on. Then once you catch them or something happens and changes your mind about them you will keep pursuing it knowing that it probably isn’t going to last or there are going to be problems. But that is okay with you. Because your so messed up you see this you wanted it and your not taking no for an answer and your so messed up that you know it isn’t going to last but that is okay because you don’t go into it expecting it to last. But you are still trying because you are to scared to get into something with someone that may have a chance of going somewhere because you are scared of getting hurt again like you did with the last relationship where you really let someone in and they killed  you by leaving.

With someone you already know or someone who is interested it isn’t the same, the thrill of the hunt isn’t there the trying to catch them is gone. The Adventure  of it all and getting to know them isn’t there. I have always been one that the chemistry and feelings before getting with someone are a lot stronger than after and after it is a just oh well now what and okay how long will this last or what is going to happen? If it works out it works out, if it don’t, it don’t no big deal. Not that I didn’t care for them or have feelings for them, it’s just different.

The only one that I really felt different about was RC. I felt a lot different and even though I had the feeling something was going to happen, I let him in, in a way that I hadn’t anyone else and tried to push the something happening thoughts out and ignored them.

Since him I have not been that close to anyone else. I had feeling for others but not like RC. As I said in other post I have been pushing the wrong one away and going after the ones I should be pushing away. Am I trying to fix something that happen in the past with one of these or just keeping up enough of that wall to hopefully keep from getting hurt again? Since I know it probably won’t last, but that’s what I’m hoping to fox and get them to stay like I couldn’t with RC? Like Sleeping Beauty wanting another kid so he can be in this one’s life? Are we all just looking for that one person that we can fix all our past mistakes with? Instead of the one who is right for us?

{April 25, 2019}   Coffee & Water Day 4

I should not be drinking tea and started drinking it again to long ago. The last few weeks my stomach has been bothering me again. I know that my coffee isn’t helping either but I’m not 100% ready ready or able to give that up yet. So I compromising, I have down sized my large like 32 oz coffee to my 12 oz coffee. I have not had any tea since Friday.

Monday I started my day with my small coffee and two big bottles of water. I drank all the coffee and probably not even a quarter of the bottle of water if that. I have a huge problem with water. I can not drink water to save my life. I want flavor, and then I have a problem with having flavor in water because I have a problem with things tasting like things that they aren’t. Because lets face it, flavored water is to me just kool aid without sugar.

Tuesday I had the idea that orange juice would be better. I bought two and my coffee, I had no problem drinking all that. But yesterday I decided I needed to suck it up and drink the water. I can’t drink a ton of juice everyday all day. I went and got the other bottle of water from Tuesday and drink some of it but not a lot. I went to Applebee’s with BFF and her aunt. I didn’t order a tea or any drinks. I wanted to order a screwdriver or something but I didn’t. When we left there I finished the rest of the bottle of the water. It wasn’t to bad but it was hard.

It is 3:30 and I still have a little bit of my coffee left and two bottles of water I bought today in there. I am going to try and drink one of them this afternoon/evening. I don’t know how well that will go over but I hope that it goes over as good or better than yesterday. I hope that by next week it will get better. Because I am always dehydrated I should be drinking water every day and don’t so hopefully I will get use to it and start drinking more than just one bottle in a day and be able to just drink my one coffee and water after that.

Bff said just get a tea and just have a tea on Wednesday nights. But like I told her I just stopped having it Friday if I drink it I will just keep on. That is how I got started back drinking it was I will just have one when I am out to eat or out with them and then started drinking it all the time when I stopped drinking the soda and just replaced the soda with the tea. Really they are the only sugar I have as well most the time so that I think will be good getting rid of all that sugar I have been getting. It will also cut out a lot of calories and I will start losing weight again because I am at a stand still right now it seems. I haven’t weighed myself in a while so I dont’ know where I am now. I should be at 140 or less. I think I have lost some since I checked last a month or so ago because my pants seem to be a lot loser.

Is it just me or is 4 rolls of toilet paper a week between 5 people and 2 bathrooms just to much?

I bought 20 rolls on the 27th and we are down to 8 rolls. Two of them people are at school all day. I don’t get how we go through that much in a week.

Big question of the night, how many rolls of toilet paper do you use a week? How many people in the house? Does 4 rolls seem like a lot to you?

{April 21, 2019}   Happy Easter

Hope everyone is having a good day with friends and family. We are just being lazy at home and heading to the park for a bit. None of the family called to get together and the friends we normally do things with aren’t doing anything either. The three younger ones are a little disappointed, but okay.

The Easter Bunny came, the two little ones got a set of beach toys with a little candy and a little bunny. We did not need baskets stuffed with candy, another stuffed animal or baskets to float around after Easter is over to never be used again. This worked out great. They will use the beach toys all Summer and it didn’t break the bank. Less than $10 a basket and they were happy as could be. The older two got candy and $5 and they were happy as well.

I love the big peanut butter eggs always have since I was a kid. I hope to find some today, as we seen them at the store yesterday but had other stops. I didn’t want it to melt so was going to stop on the way home. We forgot by the time we went out last night to get stuff the store was closed and Wal Mart didn’t have any.

What is your candy?

Is it peeps? Have you seen all the flavors of peeps they have out now 😳. Birthday cake is as odd as we got. But pancake favored with syrup? They don’t even look good much less sound good. Not that peeps are that good anyway but dang that just sounds sickening.

I must go take these kids to the park before it is to late. It is already 3. I still have to figure out dinner and shop for the week and get all the clothes washed. Never get to rest everyday is just another day of things to get done.

{April 20, 2019}   He Was Minding My Own Business

Me: Miss 6  why did you hit Mr. 8?

Miss 6: because I was on this end of the couch he was on that end I was laying down wasn’t touching him. He started and was minding my own business so I punched him. If he had minded his own business he wouldn’t of got punched. I told him not to start and not to say nothing and he couldn’t listen. Maybe he will mind his own next time and not mine.

Me: 😳😬😆😂 glad she was in the backseat of the truck and couldn’t see me.

#6yearsgoingon30 #herfatherschild #lordhelpme #dontmindherbusiness #mindyoursnothers

{April 19, 2019}   Needs To Get On His Meds

I seen Mr. Responsible the other week he was telling me how he had gain all this weight and he didn’t know why and that he don’t eat that much and things. He told me before he had gain and didn’t know why.

I thought it was odd because he is always working and things to gain how he has as fast as he has. I don’t know why the other day I was thinking about him and thought about him talking about gaining. I thought he isn’t gaining weight, he is swelling or holding water I bet. When he hugs me he feels solid or tight not like fat. I am not sure what medications he is supposed to be on but I am guessing one is to keep fluids down. Or it is his liver he needs to get checked. But I am guessing it is one of his meds he is supposed to be taking.

I haven’t talk to him since we all hung out that night. But maybe once or twice messeaging. I tried to talk to him before that when I was over there about going and getting back on them he says he don’t have time and has to work, always working. He said if he would lose the weight he would be okay. I am thinking now he needs to get on them asap. I haven’t brought it up to him yet but feel like maybe I should toss the idea out there to him and see what he says. I might see what he is doing tonight go see him after work talk to him. Just bring up how is he doing trying to lose the weight or what go from there. I probably wouldn’t have to bring it up he probably will and go from there.

et cetera
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