{April 10, 2019}   Maybe He Is The One

Today when thinking about Special K I had the fleeting thought of why not just get together and give it a try. What is the worse that could happen? The thought left as quick as it came and I went on with the thought of I can’t do that.

Then I was writing my last post a few things I wrote made me stop and really think. Now I don’t know what to think or feel or why I want to call him but don’t want to call him.

He is my “safe” person, my comfort without getting to close or involved. I typed that and it was like a light bulb went on kind of moment. Am I resisting so much because he is “safe” and because the odds are it could work out and we could be happy? Is the reason I keep going after or more interested in these others because subconsciously I know it isn’t going to work out? That is okay with me because I am scared to get to close and end up hurt? With the others I’m looking at things different and going in with a different perspective than I am with him because of the way things are or have been?

With the others like Sleeping Beauty I know he has a problem and there could be issues and things but I was willing to give it a try and see if we could help each other out and go from there. But realistically knew that we may not end up being together long term even though I would like to be.

With Mr. Responsible I went and seen him interested but not really sure how I felt about him or more with him. Figured I just see where it went. No expectation of it working out.

Then others that I have talked to I knew pretty much upfront if I was interested in seeing if it went anywhere or just to be strictly nothing more than just friends that is it.

But with Special K we have built a relationship of sorts, and here we are all these years later and he has tried how many times to get me to be more so there is something there. I never thought we would be doing what we are all these years later. But here we are and he is still trying to get me to be more and he is working on things in his life more and trying to have more or do better. Am I pushing him away and making excuses because I am afraid of losing my “safe” person, my comfort person? Because if it didn’t work for some reason it would effect me and hurt me because of the relationship we have.

Have I put to much thought into it and come up with so many reasons or excuses because I am afraid of how things may turn out and getting hurt. Because again being very honest sitting there talking and hanging out and laying there with him at different times I have had to stop myself from telling him I love him. I just sit there or lay there and think and why are we doing what we are doing? Why aren’t we together? Why do you keep telling him no and pushing him away? Then my brain says because of this and because of that and don’t you remember he said this or that before? He is just like the rest just telling you what you want to hear. But is he really because we been doing this for so long now. Really think about it he has the best set up right now. He gets it when he wants it or we can get together and has not responsibility or obligation or anything else, free to see others get in a relationship with someone else if he wants or whatever. But he still keeps asking to have more. Now I write all that and there goes my brain over thinking it looking to much into it. It’s saying why dose he want more? He does have a good set up right now why does he want you? Why does he want more with you. Has it all been self sabotaging all along? Am I really that messed up and jaded from all I have been through? Have I not made any progress at all from where I was when I got out of it all and where I am today? Is this normal? This isn’t normal? It can’t be normal right?

[…] feel about that. It sucks because I do have feelings for him, and came to the realization that Maybe He Is The One . I think the worse feeling is knowing that I didn’t want him to go away but that I pushed him […]

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