{April 10, 2019}   Someone Talk Me Down

I don’t know why but Special K has been on my mind the last few hours. I keep wanting to contact him see what’s up and if he wants to hangout tonight. I thought about asking him if he wanted to go out with us tonight or was up for company tonight. I know it isn’t a good idea and I shouldn’t. I haven’t heard from him since the end of February when he wanted to get together and I told him I was with someone. I never told him I wasn’t or what. I just left it alone and planed not to go back there again. That part of life behind me move on and let him move on.

But I was thinking about him the other night for some reason and the erg to call  him has been strong today. I know it is for all the wrong reasons If I am really supper honest here. I know it is sex and it is wanting to be close and wanting that someone to be with. I feel bad for wanting to call him even though I know we both know what we are doing because I know he wants more. Like I said before he is my “safe” person I guess you would say. My comfort without getting to close or involved. I want to feel loved even if it’s not. I’m burning both ends of the candle, giving none stop and getting nothing in return for me. You can only give so much and get nothing in return I am starting to feel it.

Bff called and was talking to me I told her I wanted to call him she says do it. I told her I can’t do that and she keeps saying yes I can it’s alright and nothing wrong with it.

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