{April 15, 2019}   Is This A Test

I don’t know what to think about all this with Special K. I have not heard from since right before he got off Friday. But this isn’t unusual For him, like every other guy out there he just stops talking for days. But most the time not  if we are trying to get together. If I am wanting to come over or if he is wanting me to come over.

I keep going over and over everything that has been on my mind since last week. How do I really feel. what should I do about it, do I want to tell him, do I want to try to have more, why don’t I, why do I, what feelings are real, the ones I feel for him, the ones I felt or thought I felt for the other? What should I do where do I start, how do I get him to talk to me, see me?

I keep coming back to the through that he is seeing someone. I just had the thought did I say something? The other day when I said I could make it feel right. Should I have not said that? Did me telling him I was with someone make him think about things and change his mind? Or think about it and start to question why he keeps trying if he keeps getting turned down? Is he just going to say fuck you or to late?

What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Do I tell him I have been thinking and if he still would like to lets give it a try? Do I tell him why I have been pushing away so much or avoiding it and saying no? That he is my comfort or safe place and that I am scared of messing that up and being hurt more? Do I just see if he still wants to try more and just forget everything and go from there if he don’t ask or say anything?

I find myself looking at things different with him. I find myself thinking that if he isn’t interested in more, then just breaking it off and backing off like I had planed to start with. I find myself wanting to see him, wanting him to come pull me over to him, into him, I just want to hold each other and not let go. I want to know when we do that we are more than just “friends”. But don’t know that will happen.

I don’t know what to think about all that I have had running through my head the last 5 or 6 days. I don’t have anyone to bounce things off or or talk to things about and get a honest option about it all. I talked to Bff about it but she just says the same thing you two are so good together, he seems like a good guy, you should do it. I talked to her about all the thoughts I have had and was I avoiding him because of the way I felt? Was I more interested in the others because I was going in expecting that something might or would happen? But with him it seems more solid more real and more of a it will work out and I am scared of all that? She just says yeah it makes since.

I don’t want someone who is just going to agree or say the same thing no matter who I am talking about or with. I know she isn’t I know she means well. But she just hasn’t been there or get into it so in depth. I guess, she has really never had a relationship other than her hubby. They have been together since she was 16 and they only got together because she got in trouble and he was the only one she was allowed to see or talk to. Her dad was very controlling. It was kind of an arranged kind of thing if you really look at it and how she was raised and controlled.

I can’t go to my Good Friend that I haven’t talked to in so long because he don’t like Special K. He has made comments about us talking and things before. Special K is his ex wife’s boyfriend. Like I said here way back she tried to tell me all kinds of things about him until she knew how well I knew him. Who knows what she has said to him and he just like that. He don’t see why I am interested in Special K and not him. Plus we have not talked in a long time. I am kind of sad about that too but I am doing what I can hope we start talking again soon but he still isn’t the one to talk to about this. Although if it was someone different and we were talking he would probably be the best to talk to about it.

I have thought about contacting Special K and asking him if he would stop by and see me at work when he gets off today. He gets off at 4, I don’t get off until 5 and then have to run right to my other job. I don’t have time to stop and see him and talk. If he was to stop here we could have some time to talk. But I don’t know if this is a conversation I want to have or start and maybe have to leave before it is done. I just don’t know. I just want to get it out there and figure out and see where we are going to go from here or how we feel. I hate being in situations like this. Him not answering and not having time to go see him and things like that. If he was going to be up late I could stop by after work but if not then I couldn’t really see him until Thursday or Friday and I can’t see waiting that long. If I have to wait that long I have more time than I should have because I will figure out reasons to talk myself out of it and I don’t want to do that. I am moving forward in so many areas or most areas of life, I feel that I need to move forward in this area and that this needs worked out.

At times I feel like I am rushing into it, but I’m really not we have been doing this for how long now and he has tried how many times. I feel like how can I jump from one to the other. But I think like I said last week, what I really want wasn’t going to come from Sleeping Beauty I knew that but was hoping for something more than it could be. Because he is a good person and great with kids. But he has to many issues that I was over looking or in denial about because I figured if it didn’t work out it was okay because I knew he had issues it might not. That the real feelings I have or had are for Special K but I was projecting them on him because he was safer I wouldn’t get hurt or as hurt when it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t lose my friend. I have said all this. I guess I just need to get out of my head. Maybe I can find someone that will help or listen be sounding board give good advice.

Bff said Wednesday night I was going to give it up to him and tell him how much I love him when Sleeping Beauty asked what we were talking about. I had no idea that was what she was going to say. He said why are you crazy he stood you up tonight and your going to do that. I just said I knew why he didn’t come I understood. He asked why. I said because he didn’t have money to pay and didn’t want me paying for him. He asked why he didn’t have money. I said probably because has a car payment and just got into a house and has the bills for it. I haven’t talked to him in a month or two so who knows what else has been going on or what may have came up or happen. He just said oh. But really he didn’t stand me up he already told me he wasn’t coming or couldn’t come. I just was trying to get him to come.

I said to bff the other day when he said are you crazy or why when he has stood you up? I should of said I guess because I am stupid and didn’t learn my lesson when you done it to me. Your right thanks for pointing that out and where that leads to in the end no matter how much you are there for someone. But like I said he didn’t really stand me up and our relationship is different we have been doing whatever we are doing for years and he has made it clear he wants more 3 or 4 times. He gets after me for not letting him help me and things.

On the topic of helping me another reason I don’t know about or resist getting with him. He is a take charge, take care of things, handle it kind of person like RC and it is so hard for me to step back and let someone do that and even harder with the way things ended with me and RC after I did step back and let him take charge or handle things. I know he don’t want to rush in and make everything right or “take care” of me but just stepping back and letting someone else take control or the lead or having to work with someone and answer to someone, consider someone else when I decide to do things. I hadn’t even really thought about that part of things. I mean I have but not really. I haven’t thought about what that would really look like with him. I mean I have thought about it with others and some it never crossed my mind with him I am in the middle. It is just one of them things that you know you’er going to have to do but haven’t really put thought into what that looks like with them. With him I know like with RC it is going to be a lot of effort or thought that is going to have to go into how things are done and said. That isn’t a bad thing just something I have to work on more because I am not use to that. It is hard for me to do and to let go and let someone else or to think how is this person going to feel about that or are they going to be okay with this or I should talk to him first.

Why is there never anyone to talk to when you need them? Ugh well if you all have an opion or thoughts you would like to toss out there I would love to hear them. A lot of you have been here for this long crazy ride and I am sure probably have some thoughts on it all or that I am just crazy over all. That is okay too, I welcome any and all feedback.


I hope something god comes of it and things work out for you. Xx

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