Pushing Away

I have not heard from Special K in a week. I told him last week I was getting off early and then got off earlier than I had planed so I asked him right out if he wanted company or about coming over and I have not heard from him at all. I don’t know how I really feel about that. It sucks because I do have feelings for him, and came to the realization that Maybe He Is The One . I think the worse feeling is knowing that I didn’t want him to go away but that I pushed him away. I know I said a few times that I wanted to cut things off because I felt bad because, he wanted more and I didn’t. But at the same time I couldn’t and didn’t know why. I kept going back and back, but I did because it felt good being with him, I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt I mattered, I felt he took the time to listen and wanted to know what was going on with me or just let me vent. He did little things and didn’t say anything but like to let me know he noticed something I said or did or posted even.

One thing that stands out is a night I went over and we sat at the table and talked for a while. I noticed he had the radio on in the other room. It wasn’t loud just enough you could hear it background noise you could say. It as all songs I listen to I listen to all kinds of stuff but Country mostly when I am alone and had been posting some songs on facebook or post some here and there. It was different ones I had put on there or that I normally listen to.

The the way he didn’t try to just rush in and want to take care of things. He say he wanted to help and work together and that person can’t really do it on their own.

How he said he wasn’t going anywhere, he was there for as long as I would let him. That he wanted to improve his life and I did mine that as long as we were working together we would bring each other up.

Just a lot he has said and done that I should of looked at different and didn’t or I should of really thought about instead of all the reasons not to.

I pushed him away like I did RC, just in a different way. To be honest he probably would of been just as good as my relationship with RC maybe better.

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