Is There Something Wrong

I have been watching a lot of tv lately as well when I haven’t been on here. I wanted to watch something on netflix so I signed up and watched it and I have binge watched I don’t know how many shows all the seasons and then some had new season come out and I went back and watched those. Some have a bunch of seasons like Cold case or Forensic files things like that. I go through and pick out the most interesting ones and watch them.

I don’t know why I have been so into watching t.v lately as I had not watched anything hardly since I started working the two new jobs. Here and the car lot then the trucking place. I would watch a show with little bitty at night when I was off but that was it. We would watch something when we would go to bed at night. Then I started getting home long after she went to bed I hadn’t been watching anything. But now I think that phase has passed for a bit. I can’t find anything that holds my interested anymore. The shows I really like are over for this season.

Thinking about it before that it was podcast I was listening to them and I had never listed to them before. But I did for months and listen to show after show on a bunch of them finished some even. But lost interested in them pretty quickly as well. Well if you count two or three months quickly. It really is I guess. I had tried to get back into the pod cast the last few days I need something for background noise but I just can’t find anything to listen to. I use to use music but it isn’t working either.

My blog has kind of been the same for me I can get into it and be on here and write every day or few days for a while then I drift off for a while then things cycle back around.

But for me it seems to be happening more and more often than before. I lose interest quickly and have a hard time finding something else to fill that spot. I don’t know if it is to do with other changes I have noticed that seem to be getting worse or if it is just me and the spot I am in right now and it is just how life is.

I am wondering if the effects from my concussion I got back when I wrecked my truck in 2015 are getting worse. I don’t know if that is even possible or not. I never seen a doctor but the one time they said I had one rest blah blah. But as I have said in other post I see a big impact on my concentration, understanding, reaction to things and more. It takes me a minute to process what someone says. They can say click on this or that on this spot of the screen it it looks like this. I am moving the mouse but on the other side of the screen and looking for it. I know what they said but I have to get the mouse think about what they said then really look at the screen and find what they are talking about even if i have done it a dozen times before. It sounds like oh well everyone has to do that or what but it is different. You someone says do this or that you just do it kind of automatic there is no just react automatic response anymore. I hear what they say but I have to stop and think about it say it to myself in my head and take a few seconds to get it and then carry it out.  In the mean time they are sitting here waiting for you to do something see you doing something different or looking around lost or clueless and think your stupid or something. It isn’t it you just don’t have that response like most do. To try to explain that to someone they look blankly at you like your stupid or they have no clue what you are talking about or wonder why you are telling them this just do what they asked.

Spelling I know has not ever been my strong point but had gotten a lot better. Now I will write the wrong thing know it isn’t right when I am doing it but still do it and have to then go back and fix it. Or put the wrong thing and not even know it but when I go back and read it know right away that I put the wrong word and have no idea why I put that word because it isn’t the word I wanted or even close or anything to do with the word. The other day my boss said put take boys to soccer on the calendar for me please. I pulled the day up put the time and put take boys to scooter. I knew that something wasn’t right when I did it but went on filling everything else in. My boss said soccer. I said yes I know he said you put scooter. I looked and was very confused why I put that I knew then why it didn’t seem right when I was doing it. When I was typing it out it didn’t seem right I couldn’t figure out why because he said put soccer I did. I know how to spell soccer no problem but it turned into scooter.

I can be in the middle of doing something and forget what word I need and use some other word that makes no since at all while talking. Not just writing. I have had things right in my face and for the life of me can’t tell you what it is. Simple things like a jacket or book.

I know everyone dose things like that from time to time and you just get busy, stressed or tired whatever and mess up. But this isn’t like that at all. This is different. Even my oldest has pointed things out when I am reading or i say the wrong thing or we are driving and I know where we are going go a 100 times a year and I go the wrong way or forget where I am going half way there and have to ask her where we are going. What I was supposed to be doing or what.

It is starting to bother me. I don’t know if it is just the being more busy having to think more and do more have more task to get done at one time or what it is. But it seems like it is all happening more and more often and I don’t like it.

I don’t know what to do about it or for it or how to change it. I don’t know if it is from what happen before or something else. I feel like if I go to the doctor they are just going to blow me off and act like I am crazy it’s normal people do that kind of thing once in a while. But I don’t  know how to make them see it isn’t once in a while. But really what could they do anyway? I think it also plays a factor in why I haven’t written as much even when I have things to write about. It is just harder to focus and get it out.

Just like with the tv, radio and pod cast I could jump from one to the other to something else through out the day or week and not bother me lately it’s like I have to play one until I am bored with it and can’t find no more before I can move on. Once I go back to it or to something else still can’t find something to keep my interest. Things I have liked to watch for years or listen to I don’t anymore. Just changed over night almost it seems.

Has Anyone Heard From

This is one of if not the very first blog I started following when I started my blog years ago. Passive Aggressive Abuse it was a really big ah ha moment reading her blog and all the information she put on it about passive aggressive abuse. For once in my life I didn’t feel like I as crazy, over reacting or many of the other things that everyone said at the time when they found out me and ex were getting a divorce. I followed her blog and we interacted often on it. But she just disappeared a few years ago, haven’t seen anything from her. I often wonder about her and how she is and what happen once she moved out.

As you can see her last blog post was that she had done it she finally moved it was her first night in her new place. I wonder and worry if something bad happen between her and her husband if that is why she hasn’t been back. I know that some family knew of her blog and that at one time he had found it too. I don’t know if that is maybe why and if she did a new blog under a different name or what. If so I would love to follow or at least know an update as to what happen if she is alright. When one leaves they can be at so much more of a risk of the abuser getting worse and doing much worse things to them even death. I don’t know if I have asked on her before or not but it don’t hurt to reach out and try again.

So if anyone knows anythings please let me know.

At My Hiding Place

It has been a long time since I have been over here. I have just been so busy and if I am out early I haven’t felt like doing much I just go to work. Sit watch Netflix, talk to the guys if they are in early too or just bum around the office until time to get to work. It has been really hot and muggy as well so not very constable to come sit either. I think honestly that is a big reason I have not come. Lately I have been staying home and laying back down for that hour or so of free time unless I have things to do. As I said I have been extra tired lately.

But I like my hiding place, I don’t know what it is about it really as it isn’t anything special. Just past the woods to the north is a trailer park and shopping plaza to the south is an industreal area to the west apartments and houses and to the East across the street is the railroad tracks.

The tracks are across the little two lane road just behind some woods. You can hear the train well and see it depending on where you are at on the street. The houses and apartments you can see but they are a good distance away. You see I’m on a spot where they dug a bunch of pits for rock and when they were done they stop pumping the water and let them fill up into “ponds” and put paths and grass around them. The houses and things are past the ponds and the grassy field on the other said of that. I’m just sitting in the parking area on the other said of the pond and the grassy area. People come out here and walk or fish. Some come just to sit like me. Others come and let their dogs run. I wouldn’t bring mine but they have very well trained and behaved dogs so I can see why they do.

Like I said nothing special and I can’t even say it is a nice quiet place because it really isn’t. All the cars going by, the trains and the phones you here from the places around. But in it’s own way it is. You can sit look at the water and just block everything out. Or at least ignore it. It just becomes a white noise in the background. I think it is the fact there isn’t people around. There isn’t people walking around or close to you. You may see one or two come and go or they maybe off in one of the fields but they aren’t up close they are far enough away you don’t even notice or think about them being there. Unless you are watching them. I think its the being able to just sit unnoticed unbothered by others. Not having that human interaction and not having that hum and buzz and vibes from all the electronics lights and things that are in your house or the office. The disconnect of it all. Its like grounding your self.

As I said it has been a long time since I have been here or even just out on our weekly night out I have been in a funk I think this is why. I haven’t had the things I need. This time like this to myself and the adult interaction that isn’t co workers and time with people or to myself outside of work. I know not having those things effect me but they are effecting me differently than normal. Until I was sitting here writhing this it didn’t hit me. Just writing this its all so clear.

Its after 930 it is so easy to lose track of time sitting here as well. I even nap sometimes sitting out here. I feel like I could now but I have to get to work. Have to be there by 10 I like to be there 10 early but I dont know if I will today or not. But that’s okay. I needed this its been a long time coming.

Back To School, Maybe

I am thinking about going back to school next year. I received mail obe day last week from the school talking about going back and different options there are. They had grade forgiveness and something else I thought I maybe able to get in and get my grant and things back. If I could do that I would just take two classes at a time. It will take a little longer but I think I could handle it and pass them with decent grades not just slide by with C’s and be happy with that. When I started and was able to put tine into them and before accident I was getting A’s and B’s.

A lot of it has to do with my accident because it now takes me more time to do the work than it did before. I have to read things over and over and really think about what it is saying and put it all together and make it make since. It takes me longer to do the work and projects as well.

Where as before when I didn’t have to take all the extra time to read it a dozen times and then to go over it and think about it forever and a day to make it make since I didn’t need as much time to get things done.

But now I can work on it in the day at work and at night as well. I can work on it in the evening on the weekends after the kids go to bed. I am going to have to miss a little work to take a few classes at the schools but I can’t help that I can’t take them on line. But I think both jobs will be alright with that of it is minimal. I think most will be in the mornings so just the day job. If I can work it good enough then I can get out of class and not be late or just be a few minutes late if I can get into an early morning 8 am class that is less than 2 hours.

I will worry about that latter first I have to see if I can make it to the meeting and if I can get back in without costing me over $2000 out of pocket to do it.

Was I Stupid For Thinking

That things had finally turned around and I was going to get things paid up and do a little more than struggle for a while? For being so happy and excited the other day when paying things up? I am starting to feel like I was. Now that I am $600 + under water already less than a week later. I honestly did not see this coming. I thought we were good on making payment and I was getting somewhere. I wasn’t to worried about the $20 extra on the car insurance I was going to swing it and still be okay. But now with the other and Halloween and everything else all hitting I feel like I was slammed back to reality of we aren’t meant to do anymore than struggle to get by or have anything more.

I am short for this week coming up don’t know how I am supposed to pay things or take care of things now. I can’t take another advance to make up for the amount they are pulling out until next Wednesday. That is to late because this is my rent money I need it will be late they will add a late fee and the cycle just keeps going. I know I can get out of it I just can’t figure out how.

I have even looked at trying to get another job to do in the day that pays more but I can’t find anything. Everything pays $10 an hour or less or requires a lot more hours than I have and still don’t pay enough to only work one job. I have even looked for a different night job that would let me just work one job but can’t find anything that pays good enough there either.

A 3rd Job Again

It looks like I am going to have to pick up some kind of 3rd job again for a while. Although I was getting on top of things and had everything but the lights paid up and was making payments on the repair fee’s I was pretty much on top of things. I feel I was as everything I owed was going to be paid up to $0 balance and only have the repair fee’s I would be making payments on and then monthly bills that would be paid on time.

But with this $400 going out unexpected then my car insurance renewing this month and still owing on repair fee’s and needing to do Christmas for the kids. I am starting to sink and fast all in the blink of an eye. Even thought I was caught up for the most part I had not been able to get that savings or cushion to fall back on in times like this built up yet. That was next on the list. To start saving to have a little put away. That is tricky as well seeing as my son gets Ssi. Because I am not supposed to have over $2000 in assists. That includes vehicles, cash on hand and savings. How are you supposed to get ahead or put away for a crisis or emergency, unexpected things in that case? They tell you to have 4 to 6 months of bill money in the bank in case something happens. Even one to two months of money would put me over the limit alone much less having the second vehicle. So then that is going to take money out of the pot each month so then I will have to use out of my savings to make up for it there for not really getting ahead again because I will have to take out every month to make up for what is taken away. I would love to be able to get by without having that money at all and would be happy to just have 2 months of savings in the bank and be able to put so much away to make up if some had to be taken out. But right now that just isn’t the case and to start taking away right away I don’t see how to go about it all.

I am thinking of posting an add on craigslist again looking for a few offices to clean in the evening on Saturday or Sunday. This way I can clean them after the kids go to bed at night on the weekend and gives me leeway between doing them Saturday or Sunday. Whatever night I can get to them. If they are mid size office’s I can get around $75 to $100 and if I could do even one that would help a good deal right now. I don’t want to over load myself and try to do to many. I haven’t crunched numbers but I think if I pick one up at $100 a weekend I would be okay or close enough or get me by. Let me feel some relief and not feel so strapped.

I have thought about doing pizza’s again on Saturday night if she needs me. But that is a lot of wear and tear on my car that I don’t know I want to start putting on this one. I have put a bunch of miles on it already, I don’t need to put more than I have to on it because it is going to start breaking like my truck once I start doing them. The start and go, start and go a 100 miles or more a night is a lot of stress on a car.

If I did an office or two on the weekend I can hopefully find one or two close to home and I just drive there park and drive home. Not running it for hours all night like I would doing pizza’s. Even if I had to go a little further than I would like I hope to go less than 10 miles one way and 20 miles round trip is still better than miles on in all night.

I thought about doing coupons and making holiday baskets and selling them. But I don’t have the money to put out to make them and sell them. I don’t have the $15 or more to put out on newspapers and then buy product to do them and sit on them until they sell. I would need to be buying things now and making them to be able to have a bunch made for the holiday shopping rush right after Thanksgiving up until Christmas. I could put baskets, bags, stockings and things like that together for men, women, and kids. I use to make them for the teachers for the holidays. I would put body spray, lotion, body-wash and things like that in them. Toss in some kind of gloves, socks, towel, washcloth or towel for your hair or other little things for guys. You have a nice gift for a friend, co worker or someone you want to grab something nice for on a budget. Kids you can put one together with coloring books, puzzles, something to read a comic book, markers, crayons all kinds of things just dependent on the age. You can have orders where you put baskets together depending on theme or age.

I seen some nice drawstring bags on line for sale someone had made they were trying to sell that would be perfect that I would love to get but just don’t have the money to put into them. They have a couple 1000 or so and want to sell the lot. I would buy them because I know I would use them and sell them with no problem probably to make things like this. It stinks because there are so many things like this I could make money at but it cost so money to get started. I wish I had not dropped my credit score because I would go to the bank and try to get a lone. For a few grand. Pay the rest of the repair money off and the lights. Then I would buy a bunch of things and make a bunch of baskets and bags up and have them ready and start selling them. I would go ahead and buy Christmas for the kids so that it would be take care of and not have to worry about it.

I could take two grand pay things up spend less than $500 make a bunch of baskets and make back at least a grand or more probably depending on how many I make how big and nice they are and things. I thought about doing pizza’s for a few weeks and no mater what take it and buy supplies and do it. But I know I can’t do it that way I need to be able to get a bunch at one time and it would cost me money in gas and I’m not able to know I am going to make a good enough chunk to make it.

A Good Man To Help

I was talking to Pops at work yesterday or the day before and we were talking about things with the kids and bills and all that. He said now all you need is a good man to help you.

I just looked at him he said what really. Your doing so good you turned things around and getting ahead. You just need someone to help you now you your going places. But you need a good one.

I laughed I said yeah I don’t think that is out there anymore.

He said it is, it will find you.

I just looked at him again.

He says there are some still left out there, just be patient. It will happen.

I said yeah one day I guess.

I would love to meet someone but I go back and forth if I think I will or not. I don’t I know I do but I tell myself forget it, there are no decent ones out there. But I know there are I do. I look at the people I work with at my two jobs, it’s all guys at both. I look at guys I meet out and about. They are so different, it’s life we all live right around the same area why did they come from why don’t I run into guys like this when I am out and about? What do they all stay home locked up in their houses? I just don’t get it.

 

Figuring Out How To Pay

I think I have figured out how to pay. I was going to ask at my night job if they could give me a lone and let me pay it back $50 a week. But the owner is out of town until Tuesday.

I had the thought of my friend The one that Father of the Years new wife was living with before she came to stay with me and ran off with him. He has some money now he got that was owed to him. I was going to ask him if I could borrow it but had to figure out when I could pay him back so I could give him a date. If I could pay it weekly or one lump on x date. I didn’t want to short myself and put myself in a whole.

I also had to figure out how to do Christmas for the kids because $400 out of my budget plus and extra $200 from it this month coming up for car insurance to renew that is $600 that I don’t normally put out then needing to take out for Christmas as well.

I sat at work last night and redone my budget ( I may not have told you but I set up a budget on paper) because I had to adjust somethings. It runs from Wednesday to Tuesday because I get paid from my night job on Wednesday and my day Job on Friday or Saturday just depends if the guys are here to pay me at the end of the day or pay me before they head out. It just seem like I should set my budget up that way. But I was figuring somethings wrong because even though I knew it was Wednesday to Tuesday somethings I was still trying to budget Friday to Friday a few things I forgot to add on there and had them filed under misalliance it wasn’t working. Others I had listed to pay monthly when I needed to pay them weekly because I don’t always use them and pay different depending if I do or not. But last night I finally got it where it needs to be.

I had already figured if I came up short and needed extra money I could pawn my guns but I needed to know when and be sure I was able to get them out with in a month or two. I can’t pay on them a year like I did before. I was thinking I could pawn them and get enough money to pay the rent up but then I didn’t know how I would pay Christmas if I was going to have enough. I wanted to have them put up in order to use for Christmas just in case because even though I am on track and getting everything taken care of starting to get ahead I am still in that spot where I am not coming out with much money left at the end of the week/month. I had already thought I may have to pawn them to help with Christmas.

I figured out if I borrowed the money I could pay it all back in November but would probably have to pawn them to get Christmas. I figured my budget into the middle of February and if I did I may have to pay January and get them out in February. Still make the bills.

The guy I work with said something about being board and I said yeah I have done my budget up through February. He said oh yeah your really bored. I told him what was going on.

He said ask the boss, they are really good about things like that. I said that is why I asked yesterday when the owner would be back. He said call him he is available by phone for things like that. Or boss can approve it as well give him a call. I told him I would talk to him today when I got in. He said I could pay it back like $50 a week or so. I may ask them if they could take out $30 a week. it take about 14 weeks to pay back. So about the 2nd week of January. I am going to try to pay it back sooner but if I can get them to $30 a week it would give me a cushion and I could pay the extra the other weeks once I get past the first two weeks.

I think I am going to go that route if he says no tonight I am going to have to go see my friend and talk to him after work tonight hope he has it and will do it. I may be able to ask him if I can pay it back after Christmas or give him $100 a month instead of all of it in a month or $200 a month. I may ask them at work if they can do $100 a month as well and then do the extra but only have myself on the line for the $100 a month in case.

I asked the guy at work if they approve it if I had to wait until Wednesday when I get paid to get it or if they can get it to me sooner. He said he will just give me a money code like we give the drivers when they call in and you just go to the truck stop and cash it. So I can stop there after work tonight get the money and stop at the other store and pay the rent with it.

I better get off here and get something done at my day job. I need to clean and make my phone calls. It is slow today and I am the only one here. I just want to sleep my coffee don’t seem to be helping. Been stressing over all this crap I hope he can do this for me tonight.

I Almost Cried

Yesterday after the awards at the school I left and I went and paid the water bill and the internet bill. I paid them both down to $0. I still have the light bill to pay on next week but when I do it will also be paid down to $0 balance.  The water bill was late the light bill will be on time. On time and paid in full!

I know that probably don’t sound like a lot to you all or your saying yeah so lots of people do that all the time or what. But for me that is a big deal and to know that I did it on my own, without having to borrow, or use my tax money, or money I got from here or there it huge.

In the last 7 years me and the kids were homeless two years in a row for Christmas. We got into this place March of 2014. Although we have had a place it has been a struggle to keep it and keep bills paid. Much less other things we need. I have worked two and three jobs at a time and just staying a step ahead from sinking. Get a step or so ahead or think I was and get knocked back down.

I don’t think I have had a $0 balance on my bills since I started services there 4.5 years ago. Other than if I got my tax money and was able to pay them up and then they were up there again in a month or two because I wan’t making enough to pay them off each month. I would shuffle money around to keep things going. Final notices got paid and everything else got shuffled until the magic letter came in the mail. Then I would have to borrow to get keep them going at times or we would do without other things or scrape by.

I was so happy and excited I almost cried when I paid the water bill it showed a $0 balance. It is so discouraging to pay it have them hand you the receipt and it have a balance on it over $100 and you just handed them $200 or more.

Needless to say my excitement quickly faded when I got to work and oldest messaged me and said oh did you get the note that was on the door yesterday?

I had no idea what she was talking about she sent me a picture it is a three day notice to pay or get out. I owe them $400 for “repairs” Because I have to pay $75 every time they have to send someone out. 99% of the time it is for the plumbing that they have been told over and over has a busted pipe. But they will not pay someone to check it out. They say I have to do that. I don’t have the money. So when it won’t drain at all I have to do something I call them they send their man he cleans the line and it drains for a bit and we do it over. If I have the money i pay it and when I don’t it sits there. Rent is paid on time every month has been for a while because it is the one thing I have no play with when it gets paid why everything else gets shuffled around. They can’t put me out over anything other than rent but they I guess took my rent money and put it on my fee’s so it shows I am behind on my rent. Since I paid by their card not a check or money order there isn’t much I can do about it. If I pay by check or money order and write for rent they can’t use it for anything else. Since it is on the card they can do what they want because it isn’t marked. But I have always done it like that and if it was paid on the first they just took it as rent. I have been paying $75, $25 a $100 extra a month but I don’t have it all I talked to them and that was fine because I gave them a chunk upfront. But then I had to call them since and they have a hair in their ass about something they did this and didn’t even say they were changing things up or nothing just come stick a note on the door. Now i am trying to figure out how to pay it before TOMORROW. If I had known I could of probably waited to pay those bills had a chunk of it now I paid them I don’t have any of it. If I get paid tomorrow that is food money and lights. I was going to ask my boss at my night job but he is out of town until Tuesday so that don’t help. I can probably get by until Monday but after that I will be in Trouble they will be back Monday if I don’t pay it that morning. Then it will cost more they add fee every time they have to come out there or what. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if I worked doing pizza’s this weekend I won’t make near that much. I don’t know who else to ask to borrow it.

I am probably going to have to pawn my guns and then I am going to be in that cycle that I can’t get out of for a while end up costing me a ton of money in the end. I was feeling so good and so accomplished. That I was making progress, real progress I was going to have all the bills paid up and then be able to pay that $400 up. But it was costing me more to not pay the bills up first vs paying the rent up and I had made arrangments and was making payments. I was going to start paying extra to pay it up faster since I had bills paid up and wasn’t paying so much on them and late fee’s. I will work it out but I don’t know how and it feel knocked down and defeated again and like all my work was for nothing if I can’t come up with this last little $400.

Let’s Get The Bad News Out of The Way First

Seems as good of a place as any to start at this point. At work we had two drivers mothers pass away with in 24 or less of each other. They were both on the road at the time. They had to jump of the truck and fly home. We had to shuffle drivers out to meet their trucks so they could jump on them and keep going. Then we had to figure out how to fill their spots why they were gone. All on top of trying to figure out how to fill two or three other drivers spots because they left or came off the road for different reasons and are no longer going to be driving. They were at the end of their notices when this happen. The boss has been sick and missing a lot of work. The owner I have hardly seen this month.

The one driver who lost his mother, I don’t know him. I know of his name when they said it but I can’t even put a face with the name because I don’t see them enough. I know names with voices more than faces with this job since it is a lot of phone work. I am glad for caller id so that I can put a name with who is calling when I don’t know who it is. I am not sure what happen to his mom if she was sick or this was unexpected something happen. They just said she passed he was on a plane home and so and so was on their way to meet his truck and jump on it since he had to jump off.

The other guy that lost his mom was the one that comes in and talks to me that wants to take me and the other guy out for drinks. He tried to get me to go out to get something to eat or drinks with him all the time. I don’t know what happen with his mom either. I know she had been sick or had something going on since I started there back in March. That is when I first met him he was in talking to the guy I work with about his time off and being there for her surgery and things. I don’t know if it was something to do with what she was getting treated then of something else. I didn’t really ask, he hasn’t said anything about it really. When it first happen he called to let me know that he was going to New York and what routes he was going to miss and when he was going to be back. He said something about he guess I knew what happen or what then. I told him yes I had heard and sorry things but that is all we have talked about it.

Then there is the third one and this will be the big one that you all will know the most about because I have talked about this person here some. I think probably the just of her here in this post 80 Years. She is the one that my friend was taking care of the baby for this time last year. She had his first birthday for him, first Christmas, first steps everything with him. Mom was someone I knew from massage therapy school but wasn’t really friends with. We had met a few years later our kids were in school together. I tried to help her let her come over hang out and things but she was still using and started hanging out with a bunch of guys and things again. She was bringing them around and dragging her kids around with all these guys she just met and things. I stopped having anything to do with her. Shortly after that she lost custody of both her kids. She had two more I think it was and gave them up for adoption. She got pregnant again and decided to keep this one. Hints how my friend ended up with the baby when her and dad went to jail. As you can see dad isn’t getting out anytime soon. Mom got out right before Christmas and got him back. My friend had him off and on a few times over the next couple months.

Then her and her husband split and started the divorce process and she had a lot going on. Then the mom kept calling and messaging her telling her she needed a break and she hadn’t gotten to sleep in days or the baby was sick and she needed a break and the baby needed this or that. She told her she needed to be a mom and do what she needed to do to take care of him. She wasn’t going to have him all the time and her snatch him back and forth when she felt like it or just for show to make it look like she was being mommy. They had this conversation before her and her husband split because he wanted her to get him back and just keep him. What ever one was saying she was just using her and playing mommy when she felt like it. She finally seen and backed off then when everything happen with her husband after they split she stop having anything to do with her.

I guess it was two Sunday’s ago she called me before 9 a.m. Let me say I had not really talked to her at all in months now. Maybe a minute here and there she had let Sleeping Beauty come back and live with her. She had called and told me about that a few weeks before. I agreed with her family and told her she was wrong. Between that and him being there and her not being allowed to talk to me when he is there I haven’t heard from her. I had tried to call her since then and she don’t answer. She sends it to voicemail. I leave her messages and send her messages and she don’t reply. I guess it was a week and half a go on Sunday she called me I didn’t answer it. She called a second time right in a row and then sent a text. The text said she was going into her class at 9 wouldn’t be out until 3 but she had to tell me something important. I figured it had to do with Father of the Year. I figured I should call her back and see what it was so I didn’t have to wait all day wondering. I called her back and she answered. She said she could only talk a minute but that she had to tell me something and I couldn’t say anything to anyone at all or on line because only one other person knew.

Then she told me that the babies mom had died that morning. She said another friend of ours had just called and told her. She said the mother went into her room and she was on her hands and knees by the bed and she said something to her. She didn’t reply she walked over said something again and she didn’t move or say anything. She moved her rolled her over she just fell over I guess, said she wasn’t cold all over but parts of her were and her lips and things were blue. Said she called 911 and started cpr. I don’t know who was there with her or helping her. They said the baby wasn’t there her oldest son was but they said he didn’t see her. There are so many people in and out of the house it could of been her guy of the day or her brother or one of her moms friends who knows. I’m glad the kids didn’t see her. The baby was with her man of the week parents house and I talk to Bff Monday and she said they still have him. I can’t believe they have not gotten this baby back I am sure they probably hardly know this guy or his parents but that is how they are. They don’t care.

They said that the EMT got there, walked in checked her pause said she was gone and walked out. Called for someone to come and pick her up. No CPR, odd drug intervention or anything else. Bff and our other friend were surprised. But like I told them she was already blue, CPR wasn’t doing anything and she wasn’t responding in any way they wouldn’t use it.

I was surprised but not surprised when she told me she had died, Bff is all upset and freaked out about it and feels bad she hadn’t talk to her and things in a while or help her. She didn’t “council” her and things. I said look it is not your fault if you had been talking to her or not this would of still happen because she chose the drugs over everything else. She went to jail you took her child in gave him a home made sure he was safe and okay. She was clean and with in days of being out was back on stuff. The night she brought her out with us she was on something. Her aunt said something to me about it. I said I thought the something but I was going nice.

It is sad to say that I had been seeing the babies mom’s post on line the last few weeks and days before she passed and was thinking about what kind of life that poor baby was going to have and how he was going to grow up. I was thinking about what he was going to grow up to be like or how he was going to be. How it wasn’t his fault and how he could be so much more and had such a future and how he is only two years old and that is pretty much shot to hell and back because of the situation he was born into. The people he is being taken around and the things that may or may not happen to him the things that he was going to see and be a part of and go through at such a young age. How it would just be worse as he got older. It was sad she kept him and didn’t give him up like the other two. Then in a few days she calls and tells me she is dead.

I feel bad for her older son as well because she didn’t have custody of him hasn’t for years. Her family took him and the little girl. They kept the girl and gave the boy back. He has been passed around and ended up with her mom and she has been staying there too. But her mom don’t want him she has made it known. Here he is everyone wants the little girl and keeps her, no one in the family wants the baby boy my friend had because he is mixed but there are families that still want him. Then there is him the oldest that now such as mom was she was there and he was starting to have a relationship with him. Now she is gone where does that leave him and who is going to take care of him? My friend is talking about taking the baby and her mom and the dads mom has asked her to and told her they would let her adopt him fully. She is debating on it.

I told her the other night to just do it if they are going to give her fully adoption then I would do it but if they weren’t then I wouldn’t. It isn’t like he is going to cost her all that much more. Bills aren’t going to go up, she has to have the same house and things regardless if he is there or not. The dads family will help her with clothes and things if she needs it. Even if they don’t like I told her he will be okay just like everything else we would figure it out. He didn’t ask to be here they are all a big part of his life what is going to happen to him if she don’t get him. I don’t know what she has decided. I haven’t talk to her about it again since. We were messaging and I was at work. I had to get back in and get things done. I was going to go to breakfast with her this morning but we both had awards at the school for the kids this morning.

I can’t say I was surprised about her passing and I told Bff that it was just a matter of when with her as bad as she was and the people she had started hanging around with the last month or so. She could get things a lot easier than before that and more of it. I don’t know that I thought something would happen so soon. I figured it be a while once she really messed this kid and his life up and he was into trouble and things. Another few years. When she told me it was like she told me oh it’s going to rain in an hour or two. I didn’t feel anything either what way about it.

I am going to try to get with her tonight or in the morning and talk hang out.

 

So that is the bad that has happen the last few weeks since I have written. Few other things may of happen but nothing major that I can think of. If I do I will add it on another post. But I think that is all the bad for now.