Is There Something Wrong

I have been watching a lot of tv lately as well when I haven’t been on here. I wanted to watch something on netflix so I signed up and watched it and I have binge watched I don’t know how many shows all the seasons and then some had new season come out and I went back and watched those. Some have a bunch of seasons like Cold case or Forensic files things like that. I go through and pick out the most interesting ones and watch them.

I don’t know why I have been so into watching t.v lately as I had not watched anything hardly since I started working the two new jobs. Here and the car lot then the trucking place. I would watch a show with little bitty at night when I was off but that was it. We would watch something when we would go to bed at night. Then I started getting home long after she went to bed I hadn’t been watching anything. But now I think that phase has passed for a bit. I can’t find anything that holds my interested anymore. The shows I really like are over for this season.

Thinking about it before that it was podcast I was listening to them and I had never listed to them before. But I did for months and listen to show after show on a bunch of them finished some even. But lost interested in them pretty quickly as well. Well if you count two or three months quickly. It really is I guess. I had tried to get back into the pod cast the last few days I need something for background noise but I just can’t find anything to listen to. I use to use music but it isn’t working either.

My blog has kind of been the same for me I can get into it and be on here and write every day or few days for a while then I drift off for a while then things cycle back around.

But for me it seems to be happening more and more often than before. I lose interest quickly and have a hard time finding something else to fill that spot. I don’t know if it is to do with other changes I have noticed that seem to be getting worse or if it is just me and the spot I am in right now and it is just how life is.

I am wondering if the effects from my concussion I got back when I wrecked my truck in 2015 are getting worse. I don’t know if that is even possible or not. I never seen a doctor but the one time they said I had one rest blah blah. But as I have said in other post I see a big impact on my concentration, understanding, reaction to things and more. It takes me a minute to process what someone says. They can say click on this or that on this spot of the screen it it looks like this. I am moving the mouse but on the other side of the screen and looking for it. I know what they said but I have to get the mouse think about what they said then really look at the screen and find what they are talking about even if i have done it a dozen times before. It sounds like oh well everyone has to do that or what but it is different. You someone says do this or that you just do it kind of automatic there is no just react automatic response anymore. I hear what they say but I have to stop and think about it say it to myself in my head and take a few seconds to get it and then carry it out.  In the mean time they are sitting here waiting for you to do something see you doing something different or looking around lost or clueless and think your stupid or something. It isn’t it you just don’t have that response like most do. To try to explain that to someone they look blankly at you like your stupid or they have no clue what you are talking about or wonder why you are telling them this just do what they asked.

Spelling I know has not ever been my strong point but had gotten a lot better. Now I will write the wrong thing know it isn’t right when I am doing it but still do it and have to then go back and fix it. Or put the wrong thing and not even know it but when I go back and read it know right away that I put the wrong word and have no idea why I put that word because it isn’t the word I wanted or even close or anything to do with the word. The other day my boss said put take boys to soccer on the calendar for me please. I pulled the day up put the time and put take boys to scooter. I knew that something wasn’t right when I did it but went on filling everything else in. My boss said soccer. I said yes I know he said you put scooter. I looked and was very confused why I put that I knew then why it didn’t seem right when I was doing it. When I was typing it out it didn’t seem right I couldn’t figure out why because he said put soccer I did. I know how to spell soccer no problem but it turned into scooter.

I can be in the middle of doing something and forget what word I need and use some other word that makes no since at all while talking. Not just writing. I have had things right in my face and for the life of me can’t tell you what it is. Simple things like a jacket or book.

I know everyone dose things like that from time to time and you just get busy, stressed or tired whatever and mess up. But this isn’t like that at all. This is different. Even my oldest has pointed things out when I am reading or i say the wrong thing or we are driving and I know where we are going go a 100 times a year and I go the wrong way or forget where I am going half way there and have to ask her where we are going. What I was supposed to be doing or what.

It is starting to bother me. I don’t know if it is just the being more busy having to think more and do more have more task to get done at one time or what it is. But it seems like it is all happening more and more often and I don’t like it.

I don’t know what to do about it or for it or how to change it. I don’t know if it is from what happen before or something else. I feel like if I go to the doctor they are just going to blow me off and act like I am crazy it’s normal people do that kind of thing once in a while. But I don’t  know how to make them see it isn’t once in a while. But really what could they do anyway? I think it also plays a factor in why I haven’t written as much even when I have things to write about. It is just harder to focus and get it out.

Just like with the tv, radio and pod cast I could jump from one to the other to something else through out the day or week and not bother me lately it’s like I have to play one until I am bored with it and can’t find no more before I can move on. Once I go back to it or to something else still can’t find something to keep my interest. Things I have liked to watch for years or listen to I don’t anymore. Just changed over night almost it seems.

Has Anyone Heard From

This is one of if not the very first blog I started following when I started my blog years ago. Passive Aggressive Abuse it was a really big ah ha moment reading her blog and all the information she put on it about passive aggressive abuse. For once in my life I didn’t feel like I as crazy, over reacting or many of the other things that everyone said at the time when they found out me and ex were getting a divorce. I followed her blog and we interacted often on it. But she just disappeared a few years ago, haven’t seen anything from her. I often wonder about her and how she is and what happen once she moved out.

As you can see her last blog post was that she had done it she finally moved it was her first night in her new place. I wonder and worry if something bad happen between her and her husband if that is why she hasn’t been back. I know that some family knew of her blog and that at one time he had found it too. I don’t know if that is maybe why and if she did a new blog under a different name or what. If so I would love to follow or at least know an update as to what happen if she is alright. When one leaves they can be at so much more of a risk of the abuser getting worse and doing much worse things to them even death. I don’t know if I have asked on her before or not but it don’t hurt to reach out and try again.

So if anyone knows anythings please let me know.

At My Hiding Place

It has been a long time since I have been over here. I have just been so busy and if I am out early I haven’t felt like doing much I just go to work. Sit watch Netflix, talk to the guys if they are in early too or just bum around the office until time to get to work. It has been really hot and muggy as well so not very constable to come sit either. I think honestly that is a big reason I have not come. Lately I have been staying home and laying back down for that hour or so of free time unless I have things to do. As I said I have been extra tired lately.

But I like my hiding place, I don’t know what it is about it really as it isn’t anything special. Just past the woods to the north is a trailer park and shopping plaza to the south is an industreal area to the west apartments and houses and to the East across the street is the railroad tracks.

The tracks are across the little two lane road just behind some woods. You can hear the train well and see it depending on where you are at on the street. The houses and apartments you can see but they are a good distance away. You see I’m on a spot where they dug a bunch of pits for rock and when they were done they stop pumping the water and let them fill up into “ponds” and put paths and grass around them. The houses and things are past the ponds and the grassy field on the other said of that. I’m just sitting in the parking area on the other said of the pond and the grassy area. People come out here and walk or fish. Some come just to sit like me. Others come and let their dogs run. I wouldn’t bring mine but they have very well trained and behaved dogs so I can see why they do.

Like I said nothing special and I can’t even say it is a nice quiet place because it really isn’t. All the cars going by, the trains and the phones you here from the places around. But in it’s own way it is. You can sit look at the water and just block everything out. Or at least ignore it. It just becomes a white noise in the background. I think it is the fact there isn’t people around. There isn’t people walking around or close to you. You may see one or two come and go or they maybe off in one of the fields but they aren’t up close they are far enough away you don’t even notice or think about them being there. Unless you are watching them. I think its the being able to just sit unnoticed unbothered by others. Not having that human interaction and not having that hum and buzz and vibes from all the electronics lights and things that are in your house or the office. The disconnect of it all. Its like grounding your self.

As I said it has been a long time since I have been here or even just out on our weekly night out I have been in a funk I think this is why. I haven’t had the things I need. This time like this to myself and the adult interaction that isn’t co workers and time with people or to myself outside of work. I know not having those things effect me but they are effecting me differently than normal. Until I was sitting here writhing this it didn’t hit me. Just writing this its all so clear.

Its after 930 it is so easy to lose track of time sitting here as well. I even nap sometimes sitting out here. I feel like I could now but I have to get to work. Have to be there by 10 I like to be there 10 early but I dont know if I will today or not. But that’s okay. I needed this its been a long time coming.

Back To School, Maybe

I am thinking about going back to school next year. I received mail obe day last week from the school talking about going back and different options there are. They had grade forgiveness and something else I thought I maybe able to get in and get my grant and things back. If I could do that I would just take two classes at a time. It will take a little longer but I think I could handle it and pass them with decent grades not just slide by with C’s and be happy with that. When I started and was able to put tine into them and before accident I was getting A’s and B’s.

A lot of it has to do with my accident because it now takes me more time to do the work than it did before. I have to read things over and over and really think about what it is saying and put it all together and make it make since. It takes me longer to do the work and projects as well.

Where as before when I didn’t have to take all the extra time to read it a dozen times and then to go over it and think about it forever and a day to make it make since I didn’t need as much time to get things done.

But now I can work on it in the day at work and at night as well. I can work on it in the evening on the weekends after the kids go to bed. I am going to have to miss a little work to take a few classes at the schools but I can’t help that I can’t take them on line. But I think both jobs will be alright with that of it is minimal. I think most will be in the mornings so just the day job. If I can work it good enough then I can get out of class and not be late or just be a few minutes late if I can get into an early morning 8 am class that is less than 2 hours.

I will worry about that latter first I have to see if I can make it to the meeting and if I can get back in without costing me over $2000 out of pocket to do it.

Was I Stupid For Thinking

That things had finally turned around and I was going to get things paid up and do a little more than struggle for a while? For being so happy and excited the other day when paying things up? I am starting to feel like I was. Now that I am $600 + under water already less than a week later. I honestly did not see this coming. I thought we were good on making payment and I was getting somewhere. I wasn’t to worried about the $20 extra on the car insurance I was going to swing it and still be okay. But now with the other and Halloween and everything else all hitting I feel like I was slammed back to reality of we aren’t meant to do anymore than struggle to get by or have anything more.

I am short for this week coming up don’t know how I am supposed to pay things or take care of things now. I can’t take another advance to make up for the amount they are pulling out until next Wednesday. That is to late because this is my rent money I need it will be late they will add a late fee and the cycle just keeps going. I know I can get out of it I just can’t figure out how.

I have even looked at trying to get another job to do in the day that pays more but I can’t find anything. Everything pays $10 an hour or less or requires a lot more hours than I have and still don’t pay enough to only work one job. I have even looked for a different night job that would let me just work one job but can’t find anything that pays good enough there either.

A 3rd Job Again

It looks like I am going to have to pick up some kind of 3rd job again for a while. Although I was getting on top of things and had everything but the lights paid up and was making payments on the repair fee’s I was pretty much on top of things. I feel I was as everything I owed was going to be paid up to $0 balance and only have the repair fee’s I would be making payments on and then monthly bills that would be paid on time.

But with this $400 going out unexpected then my car insurance renewing this month and still owing on repair fee’s and needing to do Christmas for the kids. I am starting to sink and fast all in the blink of an eye. Even thought I was caught up for the most part I had not been able to get that savings or cushion to fall back on in times like this built up yet. That was next on the list. To start saving to have a little put away. That is tricky as well seeing as my son gets Ssi. Because I am not supposed to have over $2000 in assists. That includes vehicles, cash on hand and savings. How are you supposed to get ahead or put away for a crisis or emergency, unexpected things in that case? They tell you to have 4 to 6 months of bill money in the bank in case something happens. Even one to two months of money would put me over the limit alone much less having the second vehicle. So then that is going to take money out of the pot each month so then I will have to use out of my savings to make up for it there for not really getting ahead again because I will have to take out every month to make up for what is taken away. I would love to be able to get by without having that money at all and would be happy to just have 2 months of savings in the bank and be able to put so much away to make up if some had to be taken out. But right now that just isn’t the case and to start taking away right away I don’t see how to go about it all.

I am thinking of posting an add on craigslist again looking for a few offices to clean in the evening on Saturday or Sunday. This way I can clean them after the kids go to bed at night on the weekend and gives me leeway between doing them Saturday or Sunday. Whatever night I can get to them. If they are mid size office’s I can get around $75 to $100 and if I could do even one that would help a good deal right now. I don’t want to over load myself and try to do to many. I haven’t crunched numbers but I think if I pick one up at $100 a weekend I would be okay or close enough or get me by. Let me feel some relief and not feel so strapped.

I have thought about doing pizza’s again on Saturday night if she needs me. But that is a lot of wear and tear on my car that I don’t know I want to start putting on this one. I have put a bunch of miles on it already, I don’t need to put more than I have to on it because it is going to start breaking like my truck once I start doing them. The start and go, start and go a 100 miles or more a night is a lot of stress on a car.

If I did an office or two on the weekend I can hopefully find one or two close to home and I just drive there park and drive home. Not running it for hours all night like I would doing pizza’s. Even if I had to go a little further than I would like I hope to go less than 10 miles one way and 20 miles round trip is still better than miles on in all night.

I thought about doing coupons and making holiday baskets and selling them. But I don’t have the money to put out to make them and sell them. I don’t have the $15 or more to put out on newspapers and then buy product to do them and sit on them until they sell. I would need to be buying things now and making them to be able to have a bunch made for the holiday shopping rush right after Thanksgiving up until Christmas. I could put baskets, bags, stockings and things like that together for men, women, and kids. I use to make them for the teachers for the holidays. I would put body spray, lotion, body-wash and things like that in them. Toss in some kind of gloves, socks, towel, washcloth or towel for your hair or other little things for guys. You have a nice gift for a friend, co worker or someone you want to grab something nice for on a budget. Kids you can put one together with coloring books, puzzles, something to read a comic book, markers, crayons all kinds of things just dependent on the age. You can have orders where you put baskets together depending on theme or age.

I seen some nice drawstring bags on line for sale someone had made they were trying to sell that would be perfect that I would love to get but just don’t have the money to put into them. They have a couple 1000 or so and want to sell the lot. I would buy them because I know I would use them and sell them with no problem probably to make things like this. It stinks because there are so many things like this I could make money at but it cost so money to get started. I wish I had not dropped my credit score because I would go to the bank and try to get a lone. For a few grand. Pay the rest of the repair money off and the lights. Then I would buy a bunch of things and make a bunch of baskets and bags up and have them ready and start selling them. I would go ahead and buy Christmas for the kids so that it would be take care of and not have to worry about it.

I could take two grand pay things up spend less than $500 make a bunch of baskets and make back at least a grand or more probably depending on how many I make how big and nice they are and things. I thought about doing pizza’s for a few weeks and no mater what take it and buy supplies and do it. But I know I can’t do it that way I need to be able to get a bunch at one time and it would cost me money in gas and I’m not able to know I am going to make a good enough chunk to make it.

A Good Man To Help

I was talking to Pops at work yesterday or the day before and we were talking about things with the kids and bills and all that. He said now all you need is a good man to help you.

I just looked at him he said what really. Your doing so good you turned things around and getting ahead. You just need someone to help you now you your going places. But you need a good one.

I laughed I said yeah I don’t think that is out there anymore.

He said it is, it will find you.

I just looked at him again.

He says there are some still left out there, just be patient. It will happen.

I said yeah one day I guess.

I would love to meet someone but I go back and forth if I think I will or not. I don’t I know I do but I tell myself forget it, there are no decent ones out there. But I know there are I do. I look at the people I work with at my two jobs, it’s all guys at both. I look at guys I meet out and about. They are so different, it’s life we all live right around the same area why did they come from why don’t I run into guys like this when I am out and about? What do they all stay home locked up in their houses? I just don’t get it.


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