Can’t Stay On A Budget

I sat down last year and put a budget together for about 8 months or more. I stuck with it pretty well for a few months and was doing really well. Until November rolled around and everything went to shit and I got behind again instead of getting ahead and everything happen.

I was going to start again this month and well that didn’t happen. I just sat down and put one together again and everything is going to be so tight I have nothing left at the end of the week and don’t even cover everything. It will be the third or forth week of next month before I start to have money. It was oldest 16th birthday yesterday and I thought I would have money to do something with her next weekend and I don’t even know if I am going to have it for another few weeks or more now. It sucks she always seems to have to wait.

I am just under $1000 behind plus my normal monthly bills I have only been working about 17 to 20 hours a week the last month at my night job and missed hours at both jobs with my mouth. Between my mouth and just feeling very burnt out and over whelmed I have been leaving my night job at 9/930 if there is no work. I am so very tired of working two jobs and now know I have a year or two more of doing two jobs before I am going to see an end in sight. It is just depressing. Add in the time of year it is and my mood and mood swings and things I am just done. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to go to work but I do because I don’t want to be at home and I need the money of course. I just need to get out of this funk.

He keeps saying we need to get me moved and work out him moving in so I can quite one of my jobs. Bff keeps saying just tell the kids and let him move in. But that isn’t what I’m looking for or wanting to do. I don’t want to rush into living together. I want to know we are good and well into this and sure this is what we both really want and that the kids are good with him and want him to stay with us before we do that. I do not see even thinking about him living with is before August at the earliest. Really I would rather wait until October or later. I know he is on month to month and they are trying to sell the place. If that happens then I may consider it sooner depending how soon. I would have to be moved, the kids would have to know and had time to get use to him and be okay with it. If it is right away he is going to have to find somewhere to go for a bit. I don’t want him moving in anytime soon. I may not even by October but I would be willing to consider it then.

I just need to get over this all and get it taken care of. I can I have just been avoiding it. Because I just don’t feel like it, I am tired of dealing with it all doing it all. Not having time to myself without having to worry about kids has been really getting to me as well i just don’t want to do anything when i get that way. I cant ever do for myself why do any of it? I know i have to that is where the avoid it comes in. I do no more that what i have to in order to get by keep going. Whatever i don’t have to mess with think about or do I don’t. Then once it hits a point i have to deal with it i do.

 

Not a Boyfriend

I seen something on Facebook today that said she desires a partner, not a boyfriend. It made me think, It seems odd to call JW my boyfriend. I don’t know why it just seems weird to me. But I don’t know what to call him either my friend don’t seem right either. Partner seems weird to me as well. It’s like why wouldn’t you just say boyfriend instead of partner?

I know I probably sound crazy and it is one of those things that I have put way to much thought into. But what can I say it is how my brain is. Maybe it helps to keep my mind off of everything else that is going on. Grab something pointless and think way to much about it.

It isn’t just the fact it is him or what, it is anyone it seems odd to call them a boyfriend. It strikes me as odd when other people say this is my boyfriend other than like kids or what. But on the flip side it don’t seem odd or weird to me if I guy says this is my girlfriend or if he said to someone this is my girlfriend.

So what do you call your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are not married?

The Night Went Well

Last night I was talking to bff on my way home from work. She told me not to go see JW to just go home. She was in a bad mood and going to screw things up. She says I am just trying to run away from love and someone who cares about me. She says I’m scared.

I don’t think so, I think I am tired of putting my life on hold. But maybe i am I don’t know anymore. This week is a really hard week for me as it is with it being the week I lost my dad. Add in the rent shit going on and now looking at finding a place in a month and now a new relationship. I will go from fine to pissed in seconds for no reason and i know it. That is how i was yeaterday and it lasted all day.

I try to keep to myself not mess with anyone because I know it is me not whoever. I don’t want to say or do something because I’m mad or in a bad mood that has nothing to do with them. But last night i was going there to break up with him and to confront him about what he said about going doing what is best for me and the kids and about if he ever wanted to move or would consider it and why am I the one putting my life on hold for him? I knew I was dwelling on it and it would not be a civil conversation.

When I got there he was in a bad mood too. He had been into it with a guy at work.

I just decoded to tell bff to come get us lets go out just to get us both out of the house and not have an argument.

I seen him this morning and he was in a better mood i sure was. But we haven’t talked. We have only seen each other a few minutes. I do want to sit down talk with him about it all. Maybe this evening or one day next week.

Home Cooked Meal

The last few days I have been wanting to eat anything and everything. Roast, steak, chilli, chicken and anything else you can think of.

Last night I went to his house after work and Bff came picked us up and we all went to Steak and Shake. I wanted a burger, chilli mac and chicken.

He says you sound like your pregnant and bff chimes in and says are you? I said no, she kept on. They were joking around. They thought I was joking about wanting all 3. I said no I do. So me and him split the chilli and I got chicken. He got a burger and we left.

She dropped us off it was late I felt sick. He went in and got my keys I forgot them at his house. I left too. She called me was like is their a chance at all your pregnant?

There isn’t at all a chance. I had my monthly friend twice since the last time I was with anyone. I always use something.

Today I was talking to him I was like dang I want to eat, i want this, this, and this. He laughed. I said I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Tonight i did not have him make me anything and forgot to get a drink. I ran up to the little store a little while ago got coffee and an egg salad sandwich. I said I home this ends well. Why i trust egg salad from the little store i don’t know.

I thought of it after eating it, I just want to sit down eat a nice hearty home cooked meal. Everything I eat comes from a little store, $1 menus, snacks or what he makes me. Even what he makes isn’t really a meal or what.

I always cooked when I was home or had something in the crockpot. I made soups and stews. I was always looking for something new to try.

All the things I have been wanting are all meals. Hot balanced home cooked meal. Most the time what i get is cold or cold by the time i get to work. Even if it isn’t cold it is just something so I’m not hungry nothing all that good or you want to eat. Then I am eating the same handful of stuff over amd over again week after week.

Even when I am home on the weekend I cook but nothing like I use to. We go out to eat or we make quick stuff we get home late or trying to go somewhere.

Maybe I will get to cook something half way decent this weekend.

Questioning Everything Today

I don’t know what is up with me I have been in a mood all day pretty much. I started the day fighting with Little Bitty about getting up and going to school. Then I took them to school stayed to watch Mr. 9 Get his awards. I watched Little Bitty get hers yesterday. After that I walked home got the car and left. I went and got coffee and a sandwich, I got him a coffee and stopped at his job for a bit and drove around and talked to Bff for a while. I was just in a mood and venting by the time she called me.

I am wanting to move and thought I finally had things together enough to do that this year. Then everything happen with JW my childhood Friend and now I feel like I am putting everything on hold again. I can’t find anything decent around here for less than $1100 a month or more. I am getting really discouraged and really thinking about everything.

When me and father of the year was together we bought our house to flip and move. He lost his job didn’t work for years and everything went to shit. Then I got with RC and he was all about lets get things settled and move up to where he was from and we all know how that ended. In 2015 I had everything set down to renting a truck and my dad got sick. I paid everything up to be with him and weeks later i was left and stuck here. I know he had no control over that what so ever didn’t want that to happen, didn’t plan it or whatever don’t get me wrong and think that is how I mean it at all it really isn’t. I am just saying I do what I am supposed to and things and I always end up on the shit end of the stick. I lost my dad and got stuck here all at once.

Finally now I can probably make it happen and get out of here once and for all and now we reconnect and this happens. He don’t want to move and I’m just like okay lets try this see where it goes. I’ll stay. Me and oldest was talking about moving over the weekend I said maybe in couple years and she said I’ll be grown by then. I can go where I want do what I want. Not in a nasty way or what just a you been saying this kind of thing.

That has stuck with me because I did not want my kids to grow up here or to live here once they were. The jobs are shit, the cost of living is through the roof and its just not a good place.

Then today him saying to me do what is best for you and the kids and I understand has stuck with me. I keep thinking of it. It’s like how can he say I have such strong feeling, I want to be with you, I’m so happy, I want this and in the next breath say but if you move you move it is okay. I understand? I will be sad I don’t want you to go but if you do you do? All I keep thinking now is so how does he really feel? Is he just here because I had something to do with him? Just in it for here and now? If he cares no more than that then why am I putting my life and plans on hold for him? Why am I making my kids wait even longer?

Why does anyone want to live here and struggle all the time if they could go somewhere else and live cheaper and happier? I will pay almost twice as much in rent here than I would up around J. I could have things we want, a boat, 4 wheeler, trips or what. I could work one job and not work 24/7. I could live in my house not just come home go to bed, wake up go to work repeat all the time. I could spend time with my kids doing things. I could be happier. If I can make it and get ahead and save living somewhere like that working one job imgain what I could do if I lived somewhere like that and worked two for even 6 months or a year. I could buy a nice house and have a nice down payment. I could take the kids on trips I have wanted to take.

Instead I am going to stay here work 12 to 14 hour days, never see my kids, still struggle to get by, have him here to work in trying to see and do things with on top of all I already do and take care of. Just be unhappy and miserable. So I find a house at $900 to $1000 to rent right now, in a year rent goes up and now how am I going to afford it? Because god knows you don’t get raises around here and the cost of living is already over what it should be compared to the pay. What next year I end up homeless again? Who knows if he even wants to move or would consider it in a year or two if things are going good. He says he is home don’t want to go anywhere. Then what I move and leave him then? Then what is the point in doing all this and prolonging the inevitable then. Why not just leave and leave him here now than when we have a year or two invested?

Bff just says oh your in love, stop, things will get better, they will be okay and work out. No they aren’t. How can you be happy when you are putting your life on hold?  Why am I the one putting my life on hold? Why is it always me that says okay I can wait? When is it my turn to have something that would make me happy for a change and someone else put their life on hold or change their plans for me?

Like I told her I think I am meant to be single. I think I am happier single. Yeah it is lonely sometimes but it passes and I can do what I need to do for me and my kids and feel is right for us without worrying about someone else.

 

Tooth Infection

I have not been around much the last week or two because I ended up causing my mouth to get extremely infected. I had a sore spot in the back of my mouth and I thought it was because I had a nerve exposed. I went and bought some of that temporary filling stuff and put where the problem was. I figured that if the nerve isn’t exposed it would stop hurting. I woke up the next day with one side of my mouth swelled up, hurting horribly and infected. I went to go to the doctor and they were not open. They were supposed to be open on Saturday but no one was there anywhere. I started to hold out until Monday but decided not to. I went to the er, to get something for infection. Once I was there they said something about the three day weekend. That is why the doctors weren’t open most likely and would be closed Monday too. Glade I went when I did.

The doctor came in and we figured out that I probably had an abscess and it was draining and I blocked it from draining. It was horrible. They gave me super strong medication and was really worried about it. Said if anything changed to come back take the medications every 4 hours. I did that for days and was so sick from them I stopped taking them. They swelling went down the pain was gone. But then in a couple days it started hurting again. Now it is a mess again and I am trying to get the infection out again.

This morning it was so bad I got a needle and lighter and tried popping the big spot in the roof of my mouth. It was tight and sore that I couldn’t even feel the needle touching it. I stuck it a few times but it didn’t work. I was just about to give up and then decided to give it one last try. All of a sudden I felt it let go and it felt so much better. I am taking the medication and washing my mouth out with mouthwash now to hopefully get the infection under control. I feel a lot better but feel a spot coming up on the outside of my gums in the back. I have never had my mouth this bad before. I can’t stand it. The acid flux has messed my teeth up so bad, I am so embarrassed. I just want to get them all pulled and get dentures but I don’t have the money right now. I would do anything to get this pain and swelling to go away at the moment.

It feels like the spot I made this morning isn’t draining anymore the one on the outside of my gums feels harder and sore. I am at work just tried to pop it again but it didn’t seem to work to well. All I am getting from the one inside my mouth is blood. Not much of that. The other is hard to see and get to I don’t think I did anything to it. The guy here at work asked if I was getting sick. I told him no I have this infection I am trying to get rid of and that I was trying to pop it. He said is it making throw up? I said no just trying to drain it get rid of it. Hope that it will get better soon or I may have to miss work go to get it checked again. I am not going anywhere until I run out of medication. Then I have to because I can’t keep this like it is. I have to get rid of the infection because it is really bad for the heart to have infection in your mouth.

This is the last thing I want to be dealing with right now with all that I have to worry about and get taken care of. I should of just taken the medication like they said but I took it an extra day after I felt better and figured I would be okay it was gone. Most the time I take a few big doses and then I am fine. I have the rest if I need it later. I guess even with this being stronger I can’t do it that way or the infection is stronger than I am use to dealing with. I think that is probably it the infection is worse than I am use to dealing with really that is kind of scary. I have even thought about picking this filling stuff I put in there out to try and get it to drain and go away but I am scared of the pain it may cause and if I can’t get rid of that pain. I think regardless I am going to go Saturday and see if they can send me to the dentist and see if they can get something done. Right now it is my back teeth bothering me so if they can pull them and get this to go away I will let them. I just don’t want my front ones pulled before I can do something about getting some.

But with that I have not been on much I have not felt like doing anything and had to work this whole time dealing with this. I wanted to write the other day and it took me days to get that one post written and posted. I would just about go back to the er if I knew they could do something for me but I know most they can’t because they need pulled. I have taken so much for pain the last couple weeks it is scary. More than I have in years I am sure. I know it isn’t good but I can’t function without it at this point the pain gets so bad just out of no where. I will be fine all day or all night, hours at a time and then all of a sudden it is so bad I am in tears. I hope that something gives soon. I am taking the medication around the clock until it is done no matter how sick it makes me.

Childhood Friends

I don’t know if you remember me telling you about reconnecting with a childhood friend back a few days before Christmas or not. If not you can go over and read Hanging Out and Catching Up.

We have talked daily since and went out I don’t even know how many times now. He took me to dinner after work on my birthday, we have been out to walk the beach after work a few times and he has been out with me and Bff a few times. Few weeks ago me and the kids “ran” into him at the park and hung out for a while.

He kind of surprised me about two weeks or so ago we went out to the beach after work to just walk. It was such a beautiful night out the moon was so high and full. The beach was lit up nice and you could see the water and where you were walking. Most the time it is pretty much black dark other than the little bit of light from the builds in the background. Still pretty dark on the edge of the beach where we walk. This night it was just a perfect night for a night walk on the beach.

We walked a good ways down and I sat down up on the dry sand looking out over the water. He came up and sat down beside me. We sat there for a long time just talking, laughing, joking around, and carrying on. The wind was starting to pick up and it was getting pretty late. He said something about getting up or going. I said I been thinking about it but don’t feel like getting up and moving. It’s just nice sitting here. He said something about it being late and the kids and things. I said yeah I know he got up and reach down grabbed my hands and pulled me up. Then he just stood there holding them. I went to move one for something and he pulled me over into him and put his arms around me and hugged me. He just held me there a minute. He looked down at me just looked at me for a long time leaned down and kissed me. I was surprised but wasn’t at the same time. Oddly enough I didn’t pull away or try to stop him. I kissed him back. We stopped, he looked at me and said you don’t know how long I have wanted to do that, pulled me into him held me again. We walked back up the beach and ended up sitting there on a bench and talking for a while longer. I took him home and dropped him off.

later when I got home he messaged me and said tonight was one of the best nights he had in a long time. He said he was scared to kiss me didn’t know how i would react. He said he was glade i didn’t freak out. That he love the time we spend together.

I laughed and asked why he thought I would freak out he said he didn’t know. I said worried you were going to have to walk back from the beach? he said or slapped. I said I wouldn’t of slapped you even if that wasn’t something I wanted. I wouldn’t make you walk back either. He said good. He said I’m just glad you didn’t maybe the start of something new. I said maybe to him saying the start of something new. He said he was okay with that.

i think we have been together every night since then. I have been going to see him before work and once in a while between jobs I will stop see him grab some food. I stop by and see him after work or we go out. He works as much as I do but does 6 days a week instead of 5. It is hard to see each other spend much time at one time together.

A few days or so after that we were at his house when I got off work we were joking around and things. We were just sitting there it was quite he asked what I was thinking or what was wrong. I  said what are we doing? He said nothing or hanging out something like that. What do you mean? I said I mean what are we doing? He said oh you mean us? I said yes us? He said I hope building something new. He said something I said I guess I am trying to figure out where you stand, what you are looking for or expected. I said I’m not looking for a fling, a one night stand, or to be one of 20 or anything else. He said one of 20? What? What do you……. He said what 20 other girls? I said yes. He said no, no it isn’t like that at all. I don’t want 20 other girls I want one, I want you, I want this. I want this now I want it in a few weeks I want it in few months. I want something long term. I am so happy with you and have such strong feelings for you. He said every day we spend together I feel closer and closer to you and they get stronger. He said you are so busy have so much to do you still make time for me, we laugh, we joke, we play and have fun. We have conversations and help each other. He said I am very happy. He said I know you don’t want to get married again I am okay with that, I know you don’t want anymore kids, that is fine, I don’t want more either mine are grown. I know you have kids, I know they come first, I know you are very busy and we can’t spend time together all the time. I understand they should come first, you do what you have to do to take care of you and them. I am here to support you anyway I can and will help you anyway I can. He said I know you want to take things slow and you don’t want to bring the kids into it to soon or tell them to soon. He said that is fine I understand and you are right. You do have to protect them and do what you feel is best for them as you should. He said I am not going to come between you and your kids or get mad at you for doing what you need to for them and/or you. He said I am going to be here how ever long it takes to get to a point to tell them and them to be okay with it all.

I said because you know we have been friends for a long time. he said childhood friends. I said yes and I like our friendship and don’t want to lose that. I said I don’t want to be hurt again. So if you aren’t in it for more than here and now or just until your bored or something better comes along I don’t even want to do this I wan to stay friends and be done. He said no I don’t want to lose our friendship either I wouldn’t do this for just here and now or anything like that.

When I first said something he thought I was worried about his ex coming back in the picture and him getting back with her. I said no that isn’t what I am worried about at all. I said I know how it is when you hit that point of being done. I said just talking to you listening to you when you talk and all that went on I can tell you are done and I don’t think you would go back to that at all. That is when I said something about being one of 20 others or something like that.

Another time we were talking and talking about moving and things. My lease is up in March I want to move out of my house. I was looking at moving up where J and her husband Jr. are. He don’t want to move. He said over and over he is home he don’t want to move or isn’t. One night he was saying something about it. He said well I say that now but I don’t know what may happen down the road. Later another time we were talking about moving and things. I said I was torn now because I want to move away but then he is here and things. He said for me to do what I needed to do for me and the kids what was best for us and things. he understood. That just hit me wrong and bothered me. We were messaging at the time it bothered me I kept thinking about it for a while. Later that night or a night or so later I went over to his house after work. We were laying there talking across the bed. I said something about it. He said he didn’t want me to feel bad he wouldn’t like it but he understood that me and the kids need to have an easier or better life. If that meant being away from here he understood and things. I said if that is how you feel I wish we never went this far with things. I said it’s like you don’t even care after saying all this just a few nights/week ago. He got upset he said what how are you going to say that I do care about you but you can’t put your life on hold for me. We talked a little more i went home. I wasn’t mad he wasn’t mad just talking and it was late.

Monday this week I think it was I went over and we were watching tv relaxing talking about our day or what. Later we went and laid on his bed my back was killing me and I just wan’t feeling good. I been in the er over the weekend and things. We laid there talked for a while. He ask me what was wrong what I was thinking about. I said nothing. He said he knew i was the way I had been all night. He said just talk to me you can’t keep it all bottled up.

I finally just told him, I’m scared. He said scared? I said of being hurt, I don’t want to be hurt again. He said honey I’m not going to hurt you. I know what the others done. I am not like that, I don’t want to see you upset or hurt, i want to see you smile and be there beside you helping you protecting you. I care to much about you to hurt you. I know how it is I have been hurt dealt with a lot as well.

I said you don’t understand, i said with Little Bities dad we went from i want to get married, i want you to adopt my two boys, baby on the way, taking a loan out on my truck to……..I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this I’m leaving in a weekend. I said I put everything on hold to be with him because we had plans to do things together. He did that and i ended up screwed in the end.

He kept saying I know I’m so sorry that happen to you I’m not them. I will not do you that way I want you in my life I am so happy I want this I want you.

I said i know we just got together trying this trying to see where it goes. We already know each other pretty well so that changes the dynamics of things some. But I have some big decisions to make here fairly quick. With in the next 3 to 6 months and a lot i have to make now and start putting into motion. I can’t just wait until the last minute to do something. He said I know I told you already. I said yes I know but I want us, I want to give this a good chance and make something of it. But I don’t want to go lock myself into things, spend my money and a few days later or months your gone.

He just keeps saying no I’m not like that I want to be with you, I am so happy with you. I want whats best for you and the kids but I want us too and I am here to help you anyway I can with whatever you need if you stay here. I don’t want you to go and to lose you. But I don’t want you to struggle and things either. I’m willing to help you as much as I can and you will let me.

I said so where do you see us in 6 months to a year? What do you want or where do you want us to be?

I don’t remember what he said exactly but basically us together, a stronger relationship, me and the kids in a new places around here, meeting the kids and forming a relationship with them and that hopefully being able to give me more help, me not working two jobs and struggling being home in the evening with the kids. I told him I wanted to work both for a little while once I got moved and would have to in the be gaining. We  hope to get somewhere cheaper than where I am now. So I can only work one job and not two. He said no I needed to be home with the kids and that he would hopefully be helping me more then too. That he hopes that we move in together down the road once the kids know what all is going on they have all had time to adjust and bond some. He said if the kids are okay with it us living together at some point but I know it will take a while. I am willing to wait until the time is right for you and them.

I told him if he was planing on moving in at some point then we should probably work on finding a place together. Then once the kids know and if or when we all decide it be okay for him to move in we will be somewhere that works for all of us. He said yes and that he would like that and wants to help me find something that will work good for me and the kids as well as him.

I told him with Little Bitties dad I was planing a future with him, working towards it and doing everything i could to make things happen. But he wasn’t what happen.

Thats when i ask him where he see’s us in 6 months to a year? That we need to find a house together if we plan to do that. I don’t want to move again in a year i want to be where ever i end up for at least 2 years. (Long term plans and goals.) He has a large dog so we need some where he can take him. Like i told him i put that i have two dogs on the lease put him on it with my dog. That way he can bring him over when he comes and he has some trips he has to take the dog can stay there when he does. Dogs are hard to get in places it is better to get them in when you first move in than later.

We were talking later I told him I think I want to wait until I move to bring the kids into it all and let them know what is going on. He is going to help me move so they will meet him get to know him some then but not a lot. He is just a friend coming over to help me move is all. But this way my mother will be out of the house, I will have my house back to me and the kids. We can relax and have people over do things without dealing with her or her being in the middle of everything and putting her unwanted two cents in. Like I told him I don’t need to hear from her why I should or shouldn’t be doing what I am doing. I don’t need her telling me kids things about me because me and him are together or about him because we are together. I said I don’t know what she is going to say or how she will react and I really don’t care because nothing she says or does is going to change things. I just don’t want to deal with her and I don’t want her saying things to me kids because she gets pissed off or don’t like it or whatever to make them think anything about him. It is up to them all to get to know him give him a chance and figure out what they think of him without her or my input about it all. He said that was fine he understood. I said plus that will put us being together about 3 to 4 months. Once he helps us move they meet him and we are settled into our own place he can come over hangout they can get to know him better.

Once they know we are together and things we can talk about him moving in and things. Like I told him maybe around October or sometime after. Maybe not until the end of the year or this time next year. It all really depends how things are going between me and him as well on if he meets the kids and we tell them what is going on one I get moved. If I am not ready he can hang out as a friend or what until I feel it is right. But things are going really well right now so hopefully they just get better and things work out how we would like. I really don’t want to rush things but I think that if things are going good telling the kids the end of March or be gaining of April would be okay and if things are going well and kids are up to it thinking about him moving in sometime in October or around there would be okay. Maybe a little soon I don’t know. How do we ever know when the right time is? All I can do is take it a day at a time and see how it goes.

But I can say this I am happier than I have ever been. Bff says she has never seen me like this not even with RC. She said it was so different with him compared to me and JW. She says you are always smiling and just so happy. She said you weren’t even that way with RC. But like I told her things were different for me and him because we both had kids and little kids. So we were dealing with a whole different ball game than me and JW. JW has kids but his kids are grown, they are like 18,21 and 22 I think. He is willing to take things slow, he is willing to wait. He understand I have kids, jobs, other things to take care of. He is willing to take things slow and to help and he wants to be there and wants to build and grow. He is looking for a relationship, he isn’t looking for someone to move in and step into the mom and maid roll. That was what RC was looking for really. JW wants to help and wants to be together. He don’t really need or want anything from me. He is dealing with and compromising a lot to be with me, way more than I am to be with him. Like he said it won’t always be that way. Once things settle down they will even out we will be able to be more of a team and things.

I believe him i don’t feel anyway about it. Like with RC i always from the start felt that there was more or something i was missing i needed to know about. I don’t feel that way about him. He was raised different he is a completely different than guys i normally date. He holds doors opens my car door will do anything for me i don’t have to ask. We go out he is always paying. I tell him i can pay or buy my own he gets mad. He says i told you if we go out you aren’t paying for anything. I tell him i know but he cant all the time. He just says he has it i need to take care of the kids. Me and bff went to lunch the other day. I bought him lunch sent him. He was surprised. Bff dropped it of she was going by there i had to get back to work rode with her.

I really think he means what he is saying. I don’t know. Even though i feel he does my mind tries to go over all the reasons he is lying or what he is hiding. I know he isn’t i know its all in my head. I am trying really hard to ignore it. When we are together just quite it wants to wonder to the what if’s.

After we talked the other night something was said about how things are or were that i need to know or what. He said babe anytime you need or want to talk we can if something is bothering you talk to me about it. I don’t mind i understand. It isn’t easy to trust again. Its alright.

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