Childhood Friends

I don’t know if you remember me telling you about reconnecting with a childhood friend back a few days before Christmas or not. If not you can go over and read Hanging Out and Catching Up.

We have talked daily since and went out I don’t even know how many times now. He took me to dinner after work on my birthday, we have been out to walk the beach after work a few times and he has been out with me and Bff a few times. Few weeks ago me and the kids “ran” into him at the park and hung out for a while.

He kind of surprised me about two weeks or so ago we went out to the beach after work to just walk. It was such a beautiful night out the moon was so high and full. The beach was lit up nice and you could see the water and where you were walking. Most the time it is pretty much black dark other than the little bit of light from the builds in the background. Still pretty dark on the edge of the beach where we walk. This night it was just a perfect night for a night walk on the beach.

We walked a good ways down and I sat down up on the dry sand looking out over the water. He came up and sat down beside me. We sat there for a long time just talking, laughing, joking around, and carrying on. The wind was starting to pick up and it was getting pretty late. He said something about getting up or going. I said I been thinking about it but don’t feel like getting up and moving. It’s just nice sitting here. He said something about it being late and the kids and things. I said yeah I know he got up and reach down grabbed my hands and pulled me up. Then he just stood there holding them. I went to move one for something and he pulled me over into him and put his arms around me and hugged me. He just held me there a minute. He looked down at me just looked at me for a long time leaned down and kissed me. I was surprised but wasn’t at the same time. Oddly enough I didn’t pull away or try to stop him. I kissed him back. We stopped, he looked at me and said you don’t know how long I have wanted to do that, pulled me into him held me again. We walked back up the beach and ended up sitting there on a bench and talking for a while longer. I took him home and dropped him off.

later when I got home he messaged me and said tonight was one of the best nights he had in a long time. He said he was scared to kiss me didn’t know how i would react. He said he was glade i didn’t freak out. That he love the time we spend together.

I laughed and asked why he thought I would freak out he said he didn’t know. I said worried you were going to have to walk back from the beach? he said or slapped. I said I wouldn’t of slapped you even if that wasn’t something I wanted. I wouldn’t make you walk back either. He said good. He said I’m just glad you didn’t maybe the start of something new. I said maybe to him saying the start of something new. He said he was okay with that.

i think we have been together every night since then. I have been going to see him before work and once in a while between jobs I will stop see him grab some food. I stop by and see him after work or we go out. He works as much as I do but does 6 days a week instead of 5. It is hard to see each other spend much time at one time together.

A few days or so after that we were at his house when I got off work we were joking around and things. We were just sitting there it was quite he asked what I was thinking or what was wrong. I  said what are we doing? He said nothing or hanging out something like that. What do you mean? I said I mean what are we doing? He said oh you mean us? I said yes us? He said I hope building something new. He said something I said I guess I am trying to figure out where you stand, what you are looking for or expected. I said I’m not looking for a fling, a one night stand, or to be one of 20 or anything else. He said one of 20? What? What do you……. He said what 20 other girls? I said yes. He said no, no it isn’t like that at all. I don’t want 20 other girls I want one, I want you, I want this. I want this now I want it in a few weeks I want it in few months. I want something long term. I am so happy with you and have such strong feelings for you. He said every day we spend together I feel closer and closer to you and they get stronger. He said you are so busy have so much to do you still make time for me, we laugh, we joke, we play and have fun. We have conversations and help each other. He said I am very happy. He said I know you don’t want to get married again I am okay with that, I know you don’t want anymore kids, that is fine, I don’t want more either mine are grown. I know you have kids, I know they come first, I know you are very busy and we can’t spend time together all the time. I understand they should come first, you do what you have to do to take care of you and them. I am here to support you anyway I can and will help you anyway I can. He said I know you want to take things slow and you don’t want to bring the kids into it to soon or tell them to soon. He said that is fine I understand and you are right. You do have to protect them and do what you feel is best for them as you should. He said I am not going to come between you and your kids or get mad at you for doing what you need to for them and/or you. He said I am going to be here how ever long it takes to get to a point to tell them and them to be okay with it all.

I said because you know we have been friends for a long time. he said childhood friends. I said yes and I like our friendship and don’t want to lose that. I said I don’t want to be hurt again. So if you aren’t in it for more than here and now or just until your bored or something better comes along I don’t even want to do this I wan to stay friends and be done. He said no I don’t want to lose our friendship either I wouldn’t do this for just here and now or anything like that.

When I first said something he thought I was worried about his ex coming back in the picture and him getting back with her. I said no that isn’t what I am worried about at all. I said I know how it is when you hit that point of being done. I said just talking to you listening to you when you talk and all that went on I can tell you are done and I don’t think you would go back to that at all. That is when I said something about being one of 20 others or something like that.

Another time we were talking and talking about moving and things. My lease is up in March I want to move out of my house. I was looking at moving up where J and her husband Jr. are. He don’t want to move. He said over and over he is home he don’t want to move or isn’t. One night he was saying something about it. He said well I say that now but I don’t know what may happen down the road. Later another time we were talking about moving and things. I said I was torn now because I want to move away but then he is here and things. He said for me to do what I needed to do for me and the kids what was best for us and things. he understood. That just hit me wrong and bothered me. We were messaging at the time it bothered me I kept thinking about it for a while. Later that night or a night or so later I went over to his house after work. We were laying there talking across the bed. I said something about it. He said he didn’t want me to feel bad he wouldn’t like it but he understood that me and the kids need to have an easier or better life. If that meant being away from here he understood and things. I said if that is how you feel I wish we never went this far with things. I said it’s like you don’t even care after saying all this just a few nights/week ago. He got upset he said what how are you going to say that I do care about you but you can’t put your life on hold for me. We talked a little more i went home. I wasn’t mad he wasn’t mad just talking and it was late.

Monday this week I think it was I went over and we were watching tv relaxing talking about our day or what. Later we went and laid on his bed my back was killing me and I just wan’t feeling good. I been in the er over the weekend and things. We laid there talked for a while. He ask me what was wrong what I was thinking about. I said nothing. He said he knew i was the way I had been all night. He said just talk to me you can’t keep it all bottled up.

I finally just told him, I’m scared. He said scared? I said of being hurt, I don’t want to be hurt again. He said honey I’m not going to hurt you. I know what the others done. I am not like that, I don’t want to see you upset or hurt, i want to see you smile and be there beside you helping you protecting you. I care to much about you to hurt you. I know how it is I have been hurt dealt with a lot as well.

I said you don’t understand, i said with Little Bities dad we went from i want to get married, i want you to adopt my two boys, baby on the way, taking a loan out on my truck to……..I don’t want this, I don’t want any of this I’m leaving in a weekend. I said I put everything on hold to be with him because we had plans to do things together. He did that and i ended up screwed in the end.

He kept saying I know I’m so sorry that happen to you I’m not them. I will not do you that way I want you in my life I am so happy I want this I want you.

I said i know we just got together trying this trying to see where it goes. We already know each other pretty well so that changes the dynamics of things some. But I have some big decisions to make here fairly quick. With in the next 3 to 6 months and a lot i have to make now and start putting into motion. I can’t just wait until the last minute to do something. He said I know I told you already. I said yes I know but I want us, I want to give this a good chance and make something of it. But I don’t want to go lock myself into things, spend my money and a few days later or months your gone.

He just keeps saying no I’m not like that I want to be with you, I am so happy with you. I want whats best for you and the kids but I want us too and I am here to help you anyway I can with whatever you need if you stay here. I don’t want you to go and to lose you. But I don’t want you to struggle and things either. I’m willing to help you as much as I can and you will let me.

I said so where do you see us in 6 months to a year? What do you want or where do you want us to be?

I don’t remember what he said exactly but basically us together, a stronger relationship, me and the kids in a new places around here, meeting the kids and forming a relationship with them and that hopefully being able to give me more help, me not working two jobs and struggling being home in the evening with the kids. I told him I wanted to work both for a little while once I got moved and would have to in the be gaining. We  hope to get somewhere cheaper than where I am now. So I can only work one job and not two. He said no I needed to be home with the kids and that he would hopefully be helping me more then too. That he hopes that we move in together down the road once the kids know what all is going on they have all had time to adjust and bond some. He said if the kids are okay with it us living together at some point but I know it will take a while. I am willing to wait until the time is right for you and them.

I told him if he was planing on moving in at some point then we should probably work on finding a place together. Then once the kids know and if or when we all decide it be okay for him to move in we will be somewhere that works for all of us. He said yes and that he would like that and wants to help me find something that will work good for me and the kids as well as him.

I told him with Little Bitties dad I was planing a future with him, working towards it and doing everything i could to make things happen. But he wasn’t what happen.

Thats when i ask him where he see’s us in 6 months to a year? That we need to find a house together if we plan to do that. I don’t want to move again in a year i want to be where ever i end up for at least 2 years. (Long term plans and goals.) He has a large dog so we need some where he can take him. Like i told him i put that i have two dogs on the lease put him on it with my dog. That way he can bring him over when he comes and he has some trips he has to take the dog can stay there when he does. Dogs are hard to get in places it is better to get them in when you first move in than later.

We were talking later I told him I think I want to wait until I move to bring the kids into it all and let them know what is going on. He is going to help me move so they will meet him get to know him some then but not a lot. He is just a friend coming over to help me move is all. But this way my mother will be out of the house, I will have my house back to me and the kids. We can relax and have people over do things without dealing with her or her being in the middle of everything and putting her unwanted two cents in. Like I told him I don’t need to hear from her why I should or shouldn’t be doing what I am doing. I don’t need her telling me kids things about me because me and him are together or about him because we are together. I said I don’t know what she is going to say or how she will react and I really don’t care because nothing she says or does is going to change things. I just don’t want to deal with her and I don’t want her saying things to me kids because she gets pissed off or don’t like it or whatever to make them think anything about him. It is up to them all to get to know him give him a chance and figure out what they think of him without her or my input about it all. He said that was fine he understood. I said plus that will put us being together about 3 to 4 months. Once he helps us move they meet him and we are settled into our own place he can come over hangout they can get to know him better.

Once they know we are together and things we can talk about him moving in and things. Like I told him maybe around October or sometime after. Maybe not until the end of the year or this time next year. It all really depends how things are going between me and him as well on if he meets the kids and we tell them what is going on one I get moved. If I am not ready he can hang out as a friend or what until I feel it is right. But things are going really well right now so hopefully they just get better and things work out how we would like. I really don’t want to rush things but I think that if things are going good telling the kids the end of March or be gaining of April would be okay and if things are going well and kids are up to it thinking about him moving in sometime in October or around there would be okay. Maybe a little soon I don’t know. How do we ever know when the right time is? All I can do is take it a day at a time and see how it goes.

But I can say this I am happier than I have ever been. Bff says she has never seen me like this not even with RC. She said it was so different with him compared to me and JW. She says you are always smiling and just so happy. She said you weren’t even that way with RC. But like I told her things were different for me and him because we both had kids and little kids. So we were dealing with a whole different ball game than me and JW. JW has kids but his kids are grown, they are like 18,21 and 22 I think. He is willing to take things slow, he is willing to wait. He understand I have kids, jobs, other things to take care of. He is willing to take things slow and to help and he wants to be there and wants to build and grow. He is looking for a relationship, he isn’t looking for someone to move in and step into the mom and maid roll. That was what RC was looking for really. JW wants to help and wants to be together. He don’t really need or want anything from me. He is dealing with and compromising a lot to be with me, way more than I am to be with him. Like he said it won’t always be that way. Once things settle down they will even out we will be able to be more of a team and things.

I believe him i don’t feel anyway about it. Like with RC i always from the start felt that there was more or something i was missing i needed to know about. I don’t feel that way about him. He was raised different he is a completely different than guys i normally date. He holds doors opens my car door will do anything for me i don’t have to ask. We go out he is always paying. I tell him i can pay or buy my own he gets mad. He says i told you if we go out you aren’t paying for anything. I tell him i know but he cant all the time. He just says he has it i need to take care of the kids. Me and bff went to lunch the other day. I bought him lunch sent him. He was surprised. Bff dropped it of she was going by there i had to get back to work rode with her.

I really think he means what he is saying. I don’t know. Even though i feel he does my mind tries to go over all the reasons he is lying or what he is hiding. I know he isn’t i know its all in my head. I am trying really hard to ignore it. When we are together just quite it wants to wonder to the what if’s.

After we talked the other night something was said about how things are or were that i need to know or what. He said babe anytime you need or want to talk we can if something is bothering you talk to me about it. I don’t mind i understand. It isn’t easy to trust again. Its alright.