Single___Parent___Life











{February 27, 2020}   Look What I Got

Today I went to pick up Jw after I got the kids to school and ran to the store to get things they needed before I went to work. I got there the door was closed still. Normally by then he is up and ready when I am running that late or just about ready. He has let the dog out if I am early and laying down for a little bit before he has to get ready. When he gets up to let the dog out he leaves the door unlocked because he knows I will be there in a little bit. I thought it was odd when I pulled up it wasn’t open. I knocked on the door the dog started barking. In a minute or two here he come and open the door. I could tell he had just woke up.

He said he had forgot to reset his alarm after he changed it to get up yesterday. he said he was sleeping good when I got there. The dog hadn’t even gotten up to go out. I walked in the bedroom laid across the bed was watching the news waiting on him to get ready.

He walked over to put something in his backpack and he goes oh yeah I forgot about that. I had no idea what he was talking about and he lays this box on the bed. Before I could say anything he laid another one down just smiled. I got up and open the one box and it was a pair of heart earrings.

This was in the other one with a pair of earrings.

He said I never seen you wear a necklace or earrings, I thought you would like these. If not you have two girls, they could wear them. I love them. Not sure if I will wear the earrings but I put the necklace on and wearing it now.

After I open them and looked at them I got up off the bed and gave him a kiss and hug and told him thank you. He put his arm around me kissed me, smiled and said no it wasn’t an engagement ring. I said I did not think that was what it was at all. He laughed. I was a little confused didn’t know what to think when he laid the first one down there and was even more confused when he laid the second one out there. But I didn’t think it was a engagement ring. If it had been I would have had a huge problem with that for so many reasons.



{February 27, 2020}   Re: Court Round 2 Finally

So court with Father of the year was yesterday. Jw told them he was going to be late and went with me so I didn’t have to go alone. After the way I felt the last time I seen him. When They told him he had to pay the $2500.

We got there about 15 minutes early and I was surprised there was no one there yet. When I went the last time the place was packed standing room only. In a few minutes three other couples came in and then one other after that. They took the one back right away then called everyone else in in alphabetical order. I was 7th on the list. Two of the couples were together so there was only 3 others there. They called couple after couple back and most weren’t there. They finally called us and surprise, surprise Father of the Year wasn’t there.

I went in they had me sit where he sat last time asked my name, told me who was there. Then she looked at his address said notice was sent. I said that is still his address. She said then I am considering him serviced. She asked the lawyer for child support how far behind he was and they said $4600 and something. She said she was issuing a warrant for $2000. Asked if I had any questions. I told her no and she said okay and that was that. Jw said you were in there a minute or two if that. I said yes I know because he wasn’t here.

I was so fucking pissed off when we got out of there. He is over $4600 behind and she puts out a $2000 warrant for him!!! That is it $2000!!! He has everything handed to him and thinks that if he just walks off and don’t show up for court nothing is going to happen. What does he think the judge wouldn’t issue the warrant if he didn’t show up? My Good Friend said he bet he left town. I said no you have to have money for that and he don’t have any of that. Last night when I got off work I picked Jw up and we drove by and sure enough he was at home, company truck parked right in the driveway like always. I hope that they pick him up soon, I could really use the money. But now instead of going to court and getting someone to bring the money or give him the money he is going to have to go to jail and then hope someone gives him the money and comes and gets him.

I should call and do a welfare check on Father of the Year. Tell them we had a big meeting yesterday and he never showed up. That he normally showed up for these kind of things and I haven’t heard from him. Give them his name and address. I just hope they get him driving and his boss gets in trouble as well.

 



{February 23, 2020}   Hurting Children

As I sat and reflected on the last month, dealing with the 5th anniversary of my dads death and the major depression that sets in that I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. Then me and Jw getting together and all the changes in my moving plans. The trust issues and all that brought up it has been one hell of a ride to say the least.

When I was thinking about me and Jw and how I just wanted to call things off before they have even had a chance, how I figured if I just told him that one thing, or if he seen me on a bad night when I wasn’t coping well he just walk away. Like all the rest who walked away for much lesser of reasons than what I was thinking about throwing at him. If I just told him all the bad and let him in on it all he run. It show he was lying not in it for the long run, not in it for the reasons he said he was, that he was just saying what I wanted to hear.

I thought about how I finally had to tell him and his responce. I thought about the night we went to the beach and how bff said I cried he just sat and held me. She said you just cried in his arms he just held you pulled you in. She said she was just amazed the way he reacted. He didn’t get mad, ignore me, move away or what. I thought about how he keeps saying he is here for me, to help me anyway he can i will let him. He is fine with handling things with the kids. How he keeps saying he isn’t going anywhere we will figure things out, work through things he isn’t giving up that easy.

As I was thinking about all this, and thinking wow maybe he really means it. He really isn’t going anywhere. This voice in my head said like the kids in foster care who have been hurt, broken and bounced around so much because no one could handle them. They get lucky and find that one person who isn’t going to give up and they don’t believe it’s true. They fight and rebel even harder because it is a battle of the wills between the two. The child knows if they do that one thing it will push the caregiver over the edge they will send them back or walk away like the rest. But the caregiver knows they can’t walk away because it is a test. They have to keep standing firm in what they said show love even if it has to be tuff love sometimes. Because they know the child is scared, hurt, broken and needs time to come around. If they throw in the towel as soon as it gets a little hard they are telling that child the same as everyone else who walked away. It isn’t teaching the child nothing, just reenforcing what they already think and feel.

Us adults at times I think revert to hurt, broken, rebelus kids who have been kicked, knocked down and walked away from. When something good comes along we want to run them off, hurt them before they hurt us.

I know this and have said it about myself before I’m sure. I know I have said it about others. But for some reason thinking about it and myself as the one doing it, putting it in that prospective just made much more since to me. I don’t know why. But it helped a lot.



{February 21, 2020}   A Conversation With The Yard Guy

Wednesday at my night job one of the yard guys came in to clean up and take the trash out. He comes in most the time so we have gotten to know each other and we talk. He comes in and talks to me and the other guy that works with me at night.

Some how the subject of work came up he was saying that they were two guys short in the yard and was talking about how many days, hours he works and what hours. I asked him how does that work with your hours and things like that? Because I have a lot of guys ask me about jobs out there but the way the days hours were explained to me, I don’t know anyone that is going to go for it. They told me before you might work a 12 hour day but in between trucks and things you have to clock out until the next one or something else comes up that needs done. I don’t know anyone that is going to do that.

He said no you can get your full hours, you work 4 days have 3 days off. He said some guys will just work and then clock out until something else comes and sleep in their cars or what. He said but there are always things to be done always work if you want to work. If you do you can stay clocked in and get your hours.

I asked him what they pay out there? I was thinking $16 or $18 an hour. At least what I make but probably more. He said $12 and hour. I almost fell out of my chair and almost said what that’s less than I make. I caught myself and didn’t say anything. If I had that would of started an all out war around there. They are out there loading, unloading trucks, sorting everything out, packing, washing trucks, washing trailers, cleaning trash in the parking lot, they come take out all the office trash, clean the office and the bathrooms for $12 an hour. I am making $16 to answer the phone and do nothing hardly. I had just told Jw and my friend as I was walking in the door last night I was going in to watch dry paint dry some more because that is what it feels like I am doing. He said he had been there a year and half and just got a $2 raise a while back. one or two of the other guys just got a raise as well. He said but that is because they work, they stay clocked in and work not nap sleep or slack off on the clock.

I am just glad I didn’t ask to transfer to the yard like I was thinking about doing shortly after I started working there. Had I asked and they told me yeah that is $12 and hour, I would of told them they done lost their minds I would keep the job I was hired for.

But I still don’t see how he figures this all out and decides who gets what or what area makes what. But I guess I should not be surprised after all the other “math” he does in that place. None of his math makes since the way he does.



I have noticed a common theme among guys who pay child support. I find it rather laughable to say the least. It also made me stop and think, are they all really that dumb?

It seems that if a man pays child support he thinks the money goes to the mother and the mother rushes right out and spends it on herself, her friends, boyfriend and whoever else maybe around.

They think we spend it going out and partying, trips, our hair, nails and anything else that we feel like while the kids never see a dime of it. I have no idea where they came up with this idea or how they work this out in their heads and even make it make since that this is what we do with it. Because lets face it kids are not cheap. Even the very basics no frills out once in a while or never kind of thing is expensive.

To top it off most these guys are paying next to nothing in all reality for more than one kid and still think this. Like my ex and Jw. For 3 kids they are/were/supposed to pay around $125 a week. So that is $500 a month. So split that between 3 kids that is about $167 a month. Now lets break this down and see of it makes since to you all.

Kids need…

A house

Lights

Water

Food

Clothes

Haircuts

Money for field trips/school

It cost money for

Up keep on a car to take them places gas for it insurance and all that.

They want to buy things here and there

Before I finish breaking this down let me say this, yes I understand I would need a place to live, a car, have a light bill, water bill and things like that even if I didn’t have the kids. But if I didn’t have the kids I could have a smaller place, pay less of a light bill, water bill, spend less on food and things like that. So yes all this needs to be included and factored in. Because I have heard that and from some of these guys and others as well.

Okay now lets break this all down, lets start with rent say $800 a month break that down between 5 people that is $160 each a month. That is $240 his half. Now guy is paying $500 a month for 3 kids giving them each $167 a month. That leaves them each $80 after paying their part of the rent, lights are $20 each so that is $100 each paid now they each have $40 left. Food is $500 a month making it $50 each for food and they are now $10 short of their food budget. We haven’t touched water, school, net, extra things they want to do or anything else. That is splitting the rent it would cost for them in half the amount of the lights in half and everything else. I know that isn’t how they split it but this is what it cost at the end of the day to keep these kids. Even if that isn’t how they figure support. They are getting off lucky because they are not figuring that way. They also do not look at the fact that the one with the kids has no freedom and has to always worry about think about and make sure the kids are taken care of every second of every day why they can go about their day and never even think of their kids for days or years at a time.

So now I would like someone to explain to me how the hell do they think we spend anything at all of their money on ourselves or anyone else but the kids? Even if I or any other mother out there was to go out and have a drink, get our hair colored or went to dinner one night and used the money we got that week as “child support” we are not using your child support. We have already used our money to pay for all the things that our children needed the rest of the week, month or year. Because we can’t just wait for you to pay us before we pay the bills. We can’t tell the owner oh my ex pays support on Friday I will have it by Wednesday so just wait and I will give it to you then. Or the light company I know you want your money on Tuesday but I won’t have it until Wednesday. No I have to go into my pocket and use my money to pay them and skip doing things that I had planed or would like to do. So by the time I get the money you are supposed to give me then I am just getting the money I already spent back. So how are we spending “their” money on anything for us? Your kids have a home, shoes, clothes, lights, food, water and taken care of. Your money has not been spent on anyone but your kids.

Jw, said yeah I thought my ex was spending my money on herself until both my girls told me it went to them to cover all their school trips and things they needed for school. I said how would you even think that? What you pay and the number of kids and how much it cost to take care of them? He said yeah I know now but it is just something you think or feel when your paying it. But I understand what your saying and get it. He said we just don’t think about it the same way I guess.

Like he got mad at his ex because she had to go to child support enforcement. He was paying but not through the court and not the same amount I guess each week or what. Whatever reason she had to go down and get help from the state. I don’t know her if she does it all the time or got in a jam or what it was. I assume she must of lost her job or what the time it was and everything that was going on and didn’t have a choice. He is so mad at her because she agreed that their set up was good and not to go to child support. They had been doing it that way for a long time.

He has said something about it a few times when we were talking. I said to him the other night. I said Honey, how can you really get mad at her for going to them. I said she needed help to take care of your kids and provide what they needed. Instead of sitting there letting them go without she did what she had to do to take care of them and get them what they needed because you didn’t have the extra at the time or she was trying to keep from asking you and do her part or what she had to, to cover her part. If you have to go to them they make you go to child support and do what they want and they make you go after the other parent. If you don’t they will not help you. I said so it really isn’t her fault that they are involved. He just stopped for a minute and looked at me didn’t say anything. He just said yeah got quite after that.

But it is true would he rather his kids do without just so child support don’t get involved?

I don’t see how these guys don’t think about this stuff logically.



{February 20, 2020}   I Really Feel I Have

 



{February 20, 2020}   Robbed The Elementary School

A month or so ago I borrowed a little bit of money from the driver at my night job that I am friends with and talk to all the time. I told him I would have it back to him on the 12th of this month. Well he was out on the road that day. I told him I had it and he said he would be in the next day to give it to him then. I ended up not going to work the next day and he was still out as well. I messaged him and asked if he was going to be up in my area any that night or not and that was when he told me they had not made it back in. He said they would be in around 8:30 or 9 to the yard. I told him I wasn’t going to work but to let me know I could meet him. I just have to drive down there. He said they would be at the truck stop by me around 8 or so. I could meet him there. I told him that would be fine to give me a head up when he was headed that way not to wait until he was 5 minutes out and expect me to rush over there. He called said they were about 20 minutes out. I went over and met him. Jw was with me because I was at his house since I hadn’t went to work. So he met him when he came to the car to get the money.

Night before last I was at my night job and him and his partner came in to start their run for the week. He was having trouble with the computer in the truck and things it was telling him he didn’t have anymore drive time for another 10 hours or more. But he hadn’t been on the clock since Thursday. He was calling back and forth trying to get it fixed and things. He kept calling me I told him I can’t do anything they have to fix all that from their truck now I can’t adjust any logs like we use to. Before I could fix them and they couldn’t but they changed it a month or two ago and now they can but I can’t. He was asking me things and telling me stuff. He got pissed off because he wanted to know who used his truck and why they were using his number and what was going to be done about it and why wasn’t I looking it up and trying to get to the bottom of it.

I finally said look your right if they are using your information that is a problem because things like this happen and now you need to drive out and have no drive time. But there is nothing I can do about that right now. All we can do is fix the problem at hand that you have no drive time things need to be changed so that you have your drive time back. We will fix that right now because that is the biggest pressing issue right now. Then tomorrow or in a few days or when the other dispatcher gets back I will get with him and see if we can find out who was driving your truck with your information and why and take care of that and put a stop to it. But right now bitching about it and going back and forth is dong nothing but wasting your time and mine and getting nothing taken care of. All we can do is fix what we can take care of what we can get you on the road because you need to be gone or gone very soon.

Okay but this and that. I said no this or that, I truly can not do anything more than what I just told you and that is pretty much nothing but look up and see where you guys are all at at any given time. Because I have not been shown how to do all that you are asking me to do just as I told you a few minutes ago. So go fix what you need to fix and do what you need to do to get yourself on the road and I will get someone to look into this further. I have no other answer to give you no matter how many times you ask or how many ways you ask I still have the same answer. Well something about my answer. I said well if you don’t like my answer and don’t like getting the same one over and over again then stop calling and asking me the same thing or going in circles on the phone and asking the something. I have told you what I can do for you but I can’t do anything if you are going to refuse to get off the phone and do what you need to do to get out of this yard. He got mad and hung up. Fine just how they are some of them you can’t get off the phone until you piss them off and they hang up because they think you really can do what they are asking or just trying to make shit harder or what on them. Sometimes the other guys in there with me can do shit and just won’t . But they haven’t figured out yet that what ever I tell them I tell them because that is just how it is and I can’t tell them anything more or do anything more for them. They think I am just shitting them around or not wanting to do my job like the rest.

In a little bit here he come walking in the back door. He come in there where we were all at and was talking to everyone. He was like I’m sorry but this is bullshit and I don’t see why you can’t do this or that and they look it up and tell me where I been my whole trip every stop I make and everything else but you can’t tell me where my truck was for 30 minutes on such and such date and who was in it. By this time I had gotten with one of the others there and had them tell me how to go in and look things up and see part of what was going on, that was what we were doing when he waked in. I said come here and look at this, you see that, that is your truck, this is Friday and your truck never moved a inch in this yard all day that day. Your telling me it did all this and there is no log and even for Saturday there is logs of it moving but that is less than 0.1 miles that is around the yard moving it out of the way or they were using it to move trailers around. I said all this you are telling me is not on there. So that is another problem in of itself that I now have to figure out how to take care of. So we still can’t fix anything more than what you can do in the truck until I do. But I am trying to figure it out and I am doing what I said. I just figured out how to do this and had someone show me when you got off the phone finally. This going around on the phone gets you no where.

Then he was all I’m sorry I’m not mad at you I am mad at the company blah blah and everything. I told you that on the phone it isn’t you I’m just mad about everything. I said well you need to figure out who to bitch at because if I tell you something I am telling you for a reason and you know if I don’t know or can’t find the answer I will tell you that not just tell you what you want to hear or some bullshit that is going to be a problem down the road because it wasn’t right. I know i know he say.

Well the other guys that were in there with us walked out back for something and it was just me and him in there then. He asked how the boyfriend was or something. I said good I had just seen him before I got there or something. He said was that him with you the other night? I said yes. He said dang he is young isn’t he? I said no he is older than me. He said he sure don’t look like it, he looks like you went down to the elementary school and was like here little boy want a cookie. I said your an ass your not right. He said he does he looks really young. i said nope he is 2 years older than me he has grown kids.

He said something about not really knowing each other and things. I said we have known each other for at least 35 years or so. He said what? I said yes we grew up together. He said then why would you do this and risk messing up such a long friendship? Something about a booty call. I said no no it is nothing like that at all. I said I would not have done something like that just a booty call. I said we have been talking for a bit before we even decided to try anything more and talked about it a lot before because we have been friends for so long. He said why him out of everyone you talk to or have talked to then?

I said I don’t know, I said you know they say it is the ones that you least expect or never would of thought of. I said it is like that. I said because we did grow up together staying at each others houses when we were little, ball games, birthday parties and outing. He was just always there and then he moved away in our teens to live with his dad. When he came back he had kids and things and we all hung out together now and then with friends but the same it was just like old times the last several years. The thought still never crossed my mind. I was with someone he was with someone we were just there. I said but then we started talking this last time because we hadn’t talked in a year or so, (one of those don’t talk all the time but pick up like nothing when we do kind of friends) hanging out as friends catching up and things just kind of happen and went that way. I hope that it last because I don’t want to mess up a friendship but I also do have feelings for him and I am happy with the way things are with/or between us.

He said that was cool he was happy for me, he knows how hard I work and do all I can for the kids. He is happy I found someone that makes me happy and that he hopes it works out. That he was sorry again for getting so bitchy on the phone it wasn’t me he was mad at and things. And that it still looks like I robbed the cradle.

I told Jw when I got to his house that night what he said about robbing the cradle he thought that was funny. Last night he shaved and was saying he missed a spot of didn’t like something he was going to have to do it again or touch it up. He said he could just shave it all off and something about how he would look or how he looks so much younger when he does. I said oh nice really make me look like I went to the school to find a man. He just laughed. I said and in turn what you all are saying is I look old. He was like no, no, I didn’t say that, that isn’t what I meant or how I meant it. You don’t look old. I laughed so hard at him. I said yeah I know I was just giving you a hard time. He was like that isn’t funny I wouldn’t call you old or say you look old. I said oh so you just think it then? He like I’m going to shut up because you are just twisting what I am saying all around. That is not what I am saying at all. I tell him he is just to easy to mess with. I said you know because kids are just so easy to get over on and mess with.



{February 19, 2020}   Figured Something’s Out

After I finally told him Monday night what happen, why I am disconnecting, shutting down and having a hard time all really started to make since. Two and two went together all of a sudden. I knew when I was with my friend I was doing it to a point but didn’t really think much of it or worry about it. It wasn’t causing any issues. But with Jw things are different. I want that connection, closeness, and bond that should be there between couples. Not something that just feels like a hook up or what.

Before I get into the things I figured out let me go back to before things happened the way they did with father of the year. So that things make a little more since.

I was a little shy and embarrassed the first times or so. I wouldn’t be undressed in front of whoever I was with, I would get undressed and cover up if the lights were on or it was lit up in the room. I would wait until it was dark and get undressed. Then I would get dressed once they went to the other room or grab my stuff and go to the bathroom.

That was short lived thankfully, because it just hit me one day. You can get undressed and have sex with them and your good enough for that but scared what they might think or say if they see you naked? What since does that make? Your fine with your body and the way you look. If they have a problem with that then why are you doing anything more with them? So then after that I didn’t really think anything of it after that.

With that said I have always been very open to trying new things, exploring, and vocal. I say let’s try this, do this or don’t do this, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead. Talk dirty to each other just what we felt like doing or was comfortable doing. Sometimes that might just be moan. But I never thought twice about it or felt funny or worried about what the person I was with was going to say, do or think about it. Nor did I ever think anything of what they did or said. We were both just enjoying it. We be together or sometimes in our own little worlds or zones but still aware of what the other was doing or what. If that makes since.

Then with father of the year and his I’m his wife and its my place blah, blah bullshit things changed. Each time I became more and more distant, disconnected and shut down. The only things I could do to keep from crying through it all and to keep from feeling it or being a part of it or involved is more what I am looking for.

Ì noticed with Jw if I am laying on my back he is on top of me and holding himself up on his arms or legs it bothers me. I will tell him lay down relax, get comfortable. He won’t. He says he don’t want to put all his weight on me, he don’t want to hurt me. I tell him it os fine he isn’t going to hurt me. Honestly it feels good to me. It is comforting to me. I wasn’t sure why really. I just knew it bothered me for him to be over me like that but felt good if he laid down. Even if we are just laying there talking he will do that talk to me, kiss me or what playing around. It bothers me.

But thinking about it and everything that has went on it hit me. Father of The Year would get up over me and be like that when he would get mad and I was telling him no. So that i couldn’t move or what. When Jw does that I guess it triggers those memories. That is why I start to with draw or shut down.

But when or if he lays down and relaxes, it is comforting and a grounding type thing for me. I feel safe or that everything is okay. I don’t have to be on edge or expecting the worse I guess. I haven’t said anything to Jw about it yet. I haven’t said anything about anything that I have thought of or figured out yet. It’s been something we haven’t talked about and skirted around since we talked that night. There just hasn’t been a right time or good time the last few nights.

Something else I figured out was that I’m not vocal in anyway anymore really. We joke and laugh about being a “starfish” or what but that is how I feel. I stopped being vocal when all that was going on then when I was with my friend all those years there was almost always people around or coming and going and kids around so we were always pretty quiet then.

Now I start to be and I catch myself and stop myself. I think, is that okay to do? Is he going to say something? Get mad? Does he like that or will he? Is he just going to say I shouldn’t be doing that?

In my head I am telling myself it is fine not to worry about it. He isn’t going to think anything of it and probably like it. Of course now I’m all in my head instead of into what is going on and get all worried about that and it snowballs from there. Then I find myself thinking I wish he just finish already because now I’m not into it and now am I messing things up for him. On and on.

He likes different ways and things and will say lets try this or do this. I have no problem with that but then I feel self conscious if something happens or if I feel I’m not doing what I should be. Even though there isn’t always something to do.

If something happens or it seems he isn’t enjoying it or what I feel like I have done something wrong or not doing something I should be. I will ask him sometimes what je wants me to do or wants to do. I will do it. But lately i have noticed I am having a lot of pain with different things we have tried. I think it is a combination of a few things. The time of the month the fact my uterus is tilted and the fact I am having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying it.

He said the other night he is still nervous to a point as well and not real sure about things either. Because of the normal someone knew getting to know them and what they like or are okay with and just really learning each other and forming that bond or what ever you want to call it. I told him I in the same situation but also dealing with this on top of it. Again he just kept saying he understands not to worry about it, we can take our time, take things slow, figure out how to work through it. That it don’t change anything between us or how he feels. He still wants us. This isn’t going to run him off or scare him away. That he is sorry if he has done anything. I just keep telling him no because he hasn’t it’s me not him.

After thinking about it all and realizing the things I have. I figured out my biggest problem is not getting into it and stopping myself or holding myself back. I want to get into it and enjoy it like I use to. That bothers me the most and I feel that I need to get through first. The other things are things that if I am into it and have that connection aren’t really a problem.

When I was with RC, I didn’t have the same kind of problems. With him the main problem I had was just being all into it and then all of a sudden just shut down and not be able to do anything. Even though I wanted to. Other than that I didn’t have any problem when we were doing things.

But I’m really not sure how to handle it or what to do in order to work through it. I have even thought about trying to go back to counseling but I just don’t know how that is going to work because I don’t have insurance and haven’t had time to now when I wanted to.



{February 19, 2020}   Finally Had To Tell Him

As you know the other week I was going to go talk to Jw after work and tell him how damaged I am. All the shit I have been through and things that have happened to me. Because surely if he found out that one thing he wouldn’t stay and then I would know. I would know I was wasting my time like I did on all the rest. I would know he was lying and just saying what he felt I wanted to hear. I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore or stressing over all the extra stuff since he came in the picture. But as you can read in my post damaged he was pretty sick and I wasn’t going to talk to him about all that at the time. I felt bad for him because he was miserable and I knew he wouldn’t be listening anyway. I couldn’t blame him.

Well early last week things ended up going a little further than expected one night and we have been together a few times since. The first night he was really nervous, in turn made me nervous. Mostly just again wondering if we were doing the right thing us being together over all. How it just seems odd or not real. He was in his last relationship for 8 years he said it been a while since he been with someone new or another women. It made it hard for me to get into at first but after a little bit we both relaxed.

The next time was alright but I had a hard time. It wasn’t really anything to do with him. More me and I couldn’t figure out why or what was bothering me so much.

Last night was horrible, I was into it and wanted to and then everything started happening. I just started shutting down and fighting disconnecting. We ended up just stopping. He could tell something was really bothering me and that something was wrong. He kept asking and saying he was sorry asking if he done something. I told him no that it wasn’t him it was me. We just laid there with him holding me, finally I just told him. I did not know what to say

I just told him it has been about 8 years or more since I was in a relationship but that I had a friend in that time. That being with someone in that way isn’t the same as being with someone in a relationship for me anyway.

That when I was with my ex husband before we got divorced things happened. That because of that I tend to disconnect and shut down. That I haven’t been in a relationship to know how things were going to go or work through it. I don’t know what is really wrong even but figured some things out.

He just pulled me close and didn’t really say anything. He was just quiet for a bit. He started to say something and stopped. I said I know you probably don’t know what to say, I don’t want you to say anything or looking for you to. He said I don’t know what to say. He said it’s alright you didn’t tell me sooner. He said it don’t change how I feel about you, or how I look at you. He said we will work through it. I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you told me and want to help you. We will figure out things together and I told you anytime you need or want to talk I am here.



I think I said it somewhere in the last week or so in another post but I don’t know what one or where. But I still can not justify not moving away in my mind. I have tried and tried and I thought okay when I find something and get into a better place and things I will be able to. But I am looking and there is nothing out there better that isn’t $1200+ a month. And even then it isn’t much better than where I am.

I just keep thinking I could move up by J and find a job making as much as or more than what I make at both my jobs put together right now and pay half what I am in rent for a nicer place. Or even if I paid as much as I am now I would have one job, decent hours, and a much nicer place. I would be out away from things not right on top of the person next to me. I would get to see my kids, spend time with them and do things. I wouldn’t be struggling. I would have help with things and the kids. I could have a break once in a while. The kids would have friends and family to do things with and spend time with and grow up with. We wouldn’t sit alone on the holidays and weekends all the time. We could have parties and do things again.

Yesterday on the way to my night job I seen a rent sign so after work I picked JW up we went to eat and I decided to drive by there. We found the house and it looked nice and was in a nice area. It didn’t say anything about the house just hat it was for rent and the name of the company to contact. I googled the address and pulled it up and they want over $1200 a month for it. It was three blocks from the school around the corner from a park and ball field. In a older quite little area.

This morning I picked him up and we were talking on the way to work and things. Something was said about being here and things I told him, I hate it here, I can’t stand it here I want away from here so bad it isn’t even funny. He asked me why I never left. I told him I was set up to when my dad got sick and I paid my money out to be here and take care of him and everything happen the way it did. That Father of the Year pulled the crap he did and I have struggled the last few years to get decent job or jobs and finally be able to again. He just said oh.

I said I have nothing here, I have no one here really. I don’t see my family hardly at all, I have bff but she can’t be counted on for anything. She is just someone to talk to and hangout with she can’t be counted on to help in anyway. Even when she says she will she don’t . He said you have me. I told him I know that isn’t what I meant and not the same.

He keeps saying that it is all going to be different things will be better when I get moved I am just stressed and things. That he is there to help.

But like I told him, okay but still I am way over paying to live in a dump or maybe a step up from a dump, working my ass off to keep it and struggling. I can’t have anything else because i am just getting by still and I still can’t see my kids and we still hardly get to see each other. Even if we are living together. He is working over 60 hours a week and I work 60. I haven’t been working my full 60 the last month or so I have been so depressed and stressed and the mess going on with my teeth. But I have to get back at it right a way. Then I am off the weekend for what he works 10 hours or more on Saturday then Sunday we have things to get done and the day is over.

I know life isn’t perfect we have to work we have to pay bills and things. But I also know that there are places where rents are not a million dollars a month and jobs pay more than $8 an hour. The cost of living isn’t going to be perfectly balanced but it isn’t going to be so far out of balance that you can’t drive a block down the rode without seeing 10 homeless people laying or sitting around on every corner sometimes 10 on two out of 4 of the corners all through the town. Or a junkie sitting on the bench looking like she is one hit away from ODing. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up. It really wasn’t. We had bad areas of town there was a few homeless that would pass through or what. But there wasn’t families begging for a place to live and sleeping in their cars and in the woods and begging for tents and food and things. Rents were normal price. The cost of living wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t so far out of sorts that you had no hope of finding anywhere to live either. There was always places at decent prices and people willing to work with you if you needed the extra to get in or what. You could rent a place and go in a fix it up yourself and not have to pay deposits and things. People helped people.

Now everyone is struggling so much they can’t help if they wanted to because they can hardly help their self and working their self to death trying to just survive. There is so much I want to do and would love to do to get involved in my community and things and I can’t because I am working so much just to get by.

I broke today I told him but it isn’t going to be better when I move. I am going to still be struggling and working all the time. Even if we are living together we are still going to be working our asses off just to get by and still not have money to save in case something happens or have anything at the end of the day. That is if I can find a place at all. I am searching and begging for a place to live and somewhere that is decent and finding nothing. I’m going to pay the same as I am now or more to live in a worse area and in a house in as bad a shape as mine or worse.

I don’t understand why everyone is okay with this. I don’t understand why no has a desire to do better have better or want more. Why are they all just okay with working their asses off and not having anything and living in dumps in bad areas of town? Why are they not trying to have or do better. Why do they do things that just leaves them in the same spot they are already in instead of trying to do better?

Like Bff only has to pay $375 rent, lights and water. She went and got a truck payment, she wants to go get jet ski and a boat and all this other stuff. But she is always borrowing money from her mom and another friend of hers. She is two months or more behind on her rent. Then says but it is because….. Not it isn’t because. It is because she waste her money. All while she is complaining because her house is falling down around her. It needs a roof, floors and walls fixed because the roof has leaked so much. It needs the bathroom done because it never was and a few other things. She has someone that will help her get most of it done it will just cost supplies and she talks about how she don’t have the money to do it. but she has paid someone elses way for a year and making a truck payment and going away for fun for the weekend getting motel rooms and spending money out all the time. For her and this other person and the kids.

She had over $20,000 she got from a settlement and it was gone in less than a week. She didn’t catch bills up or anything like that. She could of fixed her house and bought a decent car or truck that she did not have to make payments on. But instead she is fine with living like she is and not having anything. Then cries because she works about 45 hours a week or so. That is to much but she don’t make enough and she is always taking off and missing work to go play around or just because.

I work my ass off and can’t catch a break. Like Jw well things will be better and when we are together and move in together. We still are not going to be that much better off if I quite one job we aren’t going to be any better off we are going to be right where we are now. That is my goal and what I want to do with in the next 8 months or so is be in a spot where I can carry everything and only work one job. Still be able to have things and do things. As long as I am here I dont’ see that ever happening and I hate it here. Honestly he is the only thing I have here and reason I have to stay and honestly it isn’t enough to make me do it this time. I care about him, I love him, I want us I want to see where this goes but I don’t want to struggle and live like this the rest of my life to have it. If living like this and struggling like this from now on not seeing my kids hardly is what it cost to have us it cost to much. I need peace of mind and happy for me and my kids. We are going to have to really talk because even if I stay the year to see how things go with us and give it a chance rather it is going good or not I still want out of here so we aren’t living like this.

It is only going to get worse because they are getting ready to build all these new apartments around us and houses and things and the space center is about to take off again and some other places coming in and a ton of people moving here makes the rents go up even more. And everyone thinks it brings jobs and things to the area but it really don’t. it brings highly qualified and special skilled and trained jobs to the area and most all of them are filled by people from other states coming here to transfer. It really don’t help our area out much at all.

Apartments here are going for $1400 and up. 1 bedrooms are going for $1000, rooms for rent in someone’s house with no kitchen access and things are going for $500 and up. I told him last night I am looking at houses for rent and sell. They are the same ones I looked at about 12 years ago for rent and sell. They were beautiful inside and out looked like new. They were getting almost half the price they are now then to rent them. The ones that are for sell are selling for just over what they were selling for then or doubled or more in price. But now they are trashed, they have not been kept up, they have not been taken care of painted or anything like that they are 12 plus years older with nothing done to them and they want all this extra money for them. When they looked like brand new I could rent them or buy them for next to nothing and they are in decent areas.

Everyone I know is moving, I had a friend move a few months ago, another one moving in a couple weeks, others getting things in place to go. They all say you can’t live here it is to far gone and over priced. One is going to New York and has a nicer place and a much better paying job doing the same things they were doing here. They will have money to save and not struggle to get by. Everything is waiting for them when they get there. The others went to Georgia and are doing so much better they went from a trailer to a house and land and paying almost the same as they were here. The medical and things up there are much better as well. Like my friend J in south Carolina said she is getting all kinds of medical things she needed taken care of done up there because she can afford to pay for medical now and they have places that help you if you can’t or what you can’t cover.



et cetera
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