{February 23, 2020}   Hurting Children

As I sat and reflected on the last month, dealing with the 5th anniversary of my dads death and the major depression that sets in that I can’t shake no matter how hard I try. Then me and Jw getting together and all the changes in my moving plans. The trust issues and all that brought up it has been one hell of a ride to say the least.

When I was thinking about me and Jw and how I just wanted to call things off before they have even had a chance, how I figured if I just told him that one thing, or if he seen me on a bad night when I wasn’t coping well he just walk away. Like all the rest who walked away for much lesser of reasons than what I was thinking about throwing at him. If I just told him all the bad and let him in on it all he run. It show he was lying not in it for the long run, not in it for the reasons he said he was, that he was just saying what I wanted to hear.

I thought about how I finally had to tell him and his responce. I thought about the night we went to the beach and how bff said I cried he just sat and held me. She said you just cried in his arms he just held you pulled you in. She said she was just amazed the way he reacted. He didn’t get mad, ignore me, move away or what. I thought about how he keeps saying he is here for me, to help me anyway he can i will let him. He is fine with handling things with the kids. How he keeps saying he isn’t going anywhere we will figure things out, work through things he isn’t giving up that easy.

As I was thinking about all this, and thinking wow maybe he really means it. He really isn’t going anywhere. This voice in my head said like the kids in foster care who have been hurt, broken and bounced around so much because no one could handle them. They get lucky and find that one person who isn’t going to give up and they don’t believe it’s true. They fight and rebel even harder because it is a battle of the wills between the two. The child knows if they do that one thing it will push the caregiver over the edge they will send them back or walk away like the rest. But the caregiver knows they can’t walk away because it is a test. They have to keep standing firm in what they said show love even if it has to be tuff love sometimes. Because they know the child is scared, hurt, broken and needs time to come around. If they throw in the towel as soon as it gets a little hard they are telling that child the same as everyone else who walked away. It isn’t teaching the child nothing, just reenforcing what they already think and feel.

Us adults at times I think revert to hurt, broken, rebelus kids who have been kicked, knocked down and walked away from. When something good comes along we want to run them off, hurt them before they hurt us.

I know this and have said it about myself before I’m sure. I know I have said it about others. But for some reason thinking about it and myself as the one doing it, putting it in that prospective just made much more since to me. I don’t know why. But it helped a lot.

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