{March 30, 2020}   Here and Healthy

I haven’t been on in awhile, with all that is going on with this virus and everything closing things have been crazy. 3 out of 4 kids ended up with the flu. Not sure how me and Mr.9 did not get it (knock on wood) but I am happy we haven’t. Everyone who had it is over it now and going stir crazy.

We are under some kind of stay home order, I don’t really know the details. I have to go to work and am the only one who drives and able to get us stuff so life is pretty much normal for me. We haven’t been going out on the weekends. Everything is closed as for entertainment. People are still going fishing, to the beach, boating and other outdoor things.

I go to work shop once a week and go see my boyfriend after work and before I go if I have time. We get lunch or dinner and go to the little store. Everything to eat is take out nothing is open to eat in. We get it take it to work or back to his place.

The kids are getting set up to start school on line come Monday. That should be loads of fun with a 1st grader. I think Mr. 9 should be okay. They have packets they could pick up and do but I already did this. If it don’t work i am just going to tell them we need to change things. They say schools are going to go back the 15th of next month. I don’t believe it. I think if they were they would of just sent some packets home not set this whole online thing up. Not for what 15 days or less. Why go through all that trouble for a few days? I don’t know depending how things work out they may just start homeschooling with the older two. Little Bitty can’t wait to start hers online tomorrow. She wants to keep doing hers at home. I just may if my job works out.

{March 17, 2020}   Coronavirus Scare

Sadly true right now, I am so over this virus crap. I just want to scream, in a matter of days both jobs have slowed way down and I was even told at one I can start taking off early if I wanted to. Just when I was going to start staying later and getting more of my hours because of the beating my bank account has taken the last 17 days. I had been leaving early already the last month or so with everything going on and just feeling wore out. But right now I need my hours and don’t know how that is going to go over since they don’t want me getting them. I do have work to be done so hopefully that saves me. I plan to get my 6 or so the next two nights and got about 4 of my 5 last night because I clocked in early. But as long as I can show I am working not just sitting around like normally do they should not complain. I have an email from the other department that I work with with in the company saying that he needs this stuff done right away and waiting on it for a report that he has to do so I think that will all work out.

But then my other job the bus has went down and when I called to move people around to different days a lot said they would have to get back with me because their shops are going to reduced hours and workers for a while or closing. We can’t afford that. It has been slow in the shop the last week or so and we make a good chunk from the road. Without that and people not coming in I am worried they are going to decide to shut down as well. Pops hasn’t been in this week at all and his one son told me to tell him to spray everything down he don’t need to be getting sick. I figure it is best if he just stays home and waits it out seeing as my kids have been sick as well. I don’t have it but could be carrying it still. I have been doing everything I can to keep from spreading it.

When it comes down to it I feel that it is just the government way of putting fear in people. I probably said this on my last post about Little Bitty being sick but it is just really starting to get to me the way everyone is freaking out and acting like we have never had a sickness go around before or that we have never had something new come out. It is so scary and we all need to shut down everything. Honestly I feel that 99% of it is media playing into peoples fear and to boost their viewing.

Everyone is freaking out saying look at the numbers look at the numbers they don’t lie or they are worse. But if you really look at them read them and break them down to me they are not as bad as they seem. Yes they are bad any death is bad but we also have to keep a open mind and understanding about all this and that everyone is going to die and we have no idea how that is going to be for anyone. Some it is cancer others it is the flu, while others lay down go to sleep and just don’t wake up while someone else is in a car accident. Yes people have compromised immune systems and other health problems that also contribute to the fact and a lot of the people who are sick or have passed seem to be ones who are at higher risk. People who are it don’t matter what it is they catch they are at more risk than anyone else to end up with complications or dying from it. But when the media just starts throwing out numbers and deaths and area people don’t break it all down they don’t look at years before and see how they match up. The ones who do also do not break them down and consider all the factors that go into those numbers just as they are not with the new ones so they still end up in a panic.

Looking at numbers on this new virus that they are all panicked about I was just looking at numbers Globally it says more than 185,000 have it or have gotten it while it has killed more than 7,500. But 80,000 people have recovered from it. If we look at this realistically out of almost 88,000 people we lost just over or over 7,500 and still have almost 98,000 still fighting it I assume it didn’t say but that would be logical thinking if they have not died and not recovered. Following the same thought pattern if things stay as they are right now 90,000 or more will recover we will lose another 7,000 give or take. over all that is around 170,000 people out of 185,000 so far who has or should recover globally. Lets take this a step further has anyone looked at global population while panicking about all this? Because I have not heard or seen it talked about in the bit I have scared or read looking for these numbers. I went to find it and what I am seeing is that global population is 7.8 billion. If you step back and look at the big huge picture here, 100,000 or even 200,000 compared to 7.8 billion is a tiny little part of that. if it was money a person would not even notice it gone and in all reality even talking population it is not enough to make a noticeable impact. The only reason it is noticed and even known is because of the media throwing out numbers and big scary words like sickness, virus, and death. I read a few places there are around 8 deaths per every 1000 people every day. That is caused by any and every number of things that could kill you or you could die from. It isn’t broke down. Do you know how many people that is every day compared to the 7.8 billion people in the world?

Yes I understand that so many of these deaths from this sickness happen in one place or groups close together or whatever/how ever you want to say it. But again lets break it down and look at the situation surrounding who was sick, why they were sick, why they died. Again how many of them had traveled or been with people who had in high risk areas. How many already had underlying health issues? How many of them knew each other or are friends and family, co works of the ones who first had it or brought it around?

No we didn’t know about it before so we didn’t know to protect or self from it but then again what are they telling us to do to protect ourselves from it? Simple things like wash our hands, clean your area, cover your mouth and nose if you cough or sneeze, don’t touch your face. DON”T GO OUT IF YOU ARE SICK. Hum where have I heard all this before? Maybe because it is common since things we should all be doing already regardless if we think there is some kind of sickness out there that might kill us or not. But it seems people forget to do these things until something like this happens and then they freak out. The whole staying home if you are sick yes I know that you are contagious before you ever know your sick and by the time you know your sick your not contagious or just about out of the contagious phase. But there is nothing we can do about that, that is no one’s fault. We can not prevent spreading something we do not know we even have at the time. This is where your common since, wash your hands, keep things clean comes into play. It is up to us to keep ourselves from getting sick and even though it is not 100% fool proof or possible it helps. But at the same time we can’t go over board and scrub everything everyday and use a bottle of hand sanitize and try to live in a sereal environment either. Because you are not giving your body the change to build up your immune system so that it can fight off the bigger things that come along. Kids aren’t playing outside as much locked in schools all day with the a/c going then go home lock themselves in their house in the a/. They aren’t out playing in the dirt, getting fresh air being exposed to things.

I was just talking to the guy who comes and details our cars he brought up this virus and shutting everything down and how crazy it all is. He said the same thing it is all scare tactics and comes around to money.

I truly feel that if the media didn’t report so much and was banned from reporting on it for awhile that the scare would go down, all this lock down, buying everything in sight would stop. People would go back to living their lives as normal and we wouldn’t all die or go extinct from covid-19. Like they seem to be trying to make everyone think.

{March 11, 2020}   H1N1 Or Swine Flu Has Struck

Friday Little Bitty got home from school and went straight to bed. They called said she as rolling around crying and upset saying her head, belly and throat hurt. I ended up taking off early and taking her to get checked. They said she did not test positive for the flu or strep just keep an eye on her. She spent all day Saturday in bed and all day Sunday. Sunday night, Monday morning she woke me up about every half hour to hour telling me to stop talking she was trying to sleep and didn’t feel good or other things that I could not even understand. Finally she woke me up about 7 something I felt her and she was hot. I took her temperature and it was 103. I gave her a drink and some Motrin and we finally went back to sleep and slept for about 4 hours straight. Her fever was back down and stayed around 100. By a bout 3 or so she was feeling really bad and asking to go back to the doctor. We got ready and I checked her temp again, it was still around 100 so I didn’t give her anything.

We get to the doctor about an hour away with evening traffic and things. We waited probably another hour to be seen they were so busy. We got back there they took her temp and it was 104. They were worried about it got her something to bring it back down again. They tested her again for the flu and it came back positive. There is really nothing they can do but give something for fever get her to drink and give her something to keep her from getting sick. Because I was having to give her something to keep her from puking about twice a day but only like in the evening and at night. By that point I had done gave it to her in the morning and then again in the early afternoon.

She is out of school until Monday and that is our Spring break so she is out for two weeks before she can go back. I feel so bad for her she is so miserable and just cries she don’t feel good and can’t breath because her nose is stopped up and she feels sick and going to puke. Yesterday she refused the medication to keep her from puking and said she thought it would be better if she just puked than taking something to keep it from happening. But she couldn’t even because she has hardly eaten anything since Thursday night. She finally took the medication so she wasn’t dry heaving all after noon and could rest.

The doctor said she wasn’t worried about if she was eating or not but she needs to make sure she drinks. She said she wants her to have three 16 oz bottles a day but she may not get that in. That rule of thumb with her being sick is she has to go to the bathroom once every 6 hours or she has to go straight to the er and get iv fluids to keep her from getting dehydrated.

{March 4, 2020}   Your Monthly Friend and Sex

Today let’s get up close and personal and talk about our monthly friend and sex. Because today I am not sure how to describe how I am feeling and not sure why I feel the way I do. Lets go back to Monday, I had court, I dressed nice for court, cotton pants nice shirt, you know the deal. Well wouldn’t you know my monthly friend was set to come Monday as well and she decided to come right on time. The last few months she has been either a few days early or a few days late but not on time. Either would of been fine this month, as early would mean I was through the worst part by court or late would of course mean I hadn’t started yet. But no she came knocking bright and early. Okay fine slap in the diaper and go. Not really but I use sanitary napkins because I have issues when I use tampons. Well with the pants I was wearing and the shirt it was awkward and I felt you could tell I was wearing one. I moved it foward a little bit more than normal but not enough it would make a difference since I was just going through my day. I have done it before no big deal.

Well after court and work that evening I went to JW’s house for a while like I always do. Went and laid on the bed for a while and was talking and watching tv. I was laying on my back most the time, I got home and went to the bathroom and notice I had a spot on my pants. Not huge but big enough. Because of the way I had done things. We were messaging and I just told him hey you may want to check your sheets, don’t think it it is bad but letting you know basically. He said oh little spot no big deal. It happens and that was that.

Catch up to yesterday, when it is that time of the month for me the first day is horrible. Heavy and I just feel blah and want to sleep. The 2nd day things slow way down and I am in the mood for sex all the time. That last days sometimes. Or it goes away and comes back about the time I am to ovulate. All normal how it all works. We were talking through out the day and somethings I say he don’t get I just have to spell it out or be blunt with him. I told him I was freak-en horny. We made some comments/jokes or what back and forth through the day. Last night I get there and we are laying on the bed I hate his couch and the whole time we are sitting in there the dog will not leave us alone. A lot of nights we go lay across the bed and talk watch tv or whatever.

After a while one thing led to another and we were making out a few times and he would stop. I thought at first because he knew it was that time of the month. Then before I knew it he was going further and doing more. That was fine with me, I asked him for a towel or to hand me the towel that he had there folded up with somethings by the bed. He looked funny grabbed it and gave it to me.

We went on, about the time we get started he says what’s the towel for or why the towel? I said it’s fine not a big deal or something like that. He said but why or something he kind of stopped was laying on me looking at me. I just looked at him like hello, he said something I said you know it’s that time of the moth. Oh my goodness the look I got, he looked like a little kid who’s balloon you just walked up and popped. He just stopped laid there looking. I said you knew, He said no he didn’t. I said I told you last night the sheets. He looked like oh no, he said I’m so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking about that I knew but wasn’t putting two and two together and thinking about it when you asked for the towel. I knew but I didn’t, wasn’t something I was thinking about. We talked I just kind of forgot it after that. He got up moved. We laid there a few and talked a little. It bothered him, I mean really straight up freaked him out.

I got up and got dressed and went home. He kept telling me how sorry he was and everything. I told him it was fine. Like I told him I don’t want him to do something he isn’t comfortable doing. He has stopped for me a few times it is what it is. It was just hard for me because I was wanting it so bad and then to be that close, started and just stop. But I wasn’t mad or upset with him.

I don’t kow how to explain the feeling that came over me when I said it was that time and he looked at me like he did. I felt like I did some horrible thing to him or something. I don’t know. Really unexplainable. His reaction really upset me and bothers me. Probably as much as me telling him why the towel bothered him.

I just wanted out of there and away from him. We didn’t have time really to talk about it get into it and he didn’t seem he wanted to. He kept saying he was sorry, not to be upset with him and things. He said he never done that. I told him I wasn’t mad or upset, it is what it is. He say’s he wants to sit down and talk. I told him I wanted to talk but just never seem like a good time and he didn’t seem he wanted to. He said we would.

I felt so bad, I wanted to cry almost. I felt I done something wrong, I felt rejected, I felt there was something horribly wrong with me. I felt like he was discussed with me. I felt like i put our relationship in jeopardy. I felt like he was looking at me like I lied or did something to him. It was just all these feelings at once.on top of the frustration of wanting sex and it just stopping like it did. I didn’t lie, I told him I had started Monday because I just didn’t feel good wasn’t in a good mood. I told him about the sheet and that I had cramps and bloated yesterday when we were talking. He asked how I was feeling. I can see how he said he wasn’t really thinking about the two and things. I probably wouldn’t of at first either. But now i don’t know where we go from here. It seems awkward being around him. I feel like I did something wrong or something is wrong with me still. I still feel bad how things happened. I feel this whole thing changed our relationship in a big way and it is this big elephant in the room now. How will things be once we get past it or talk through things?

It also really bothers me that it bothers him so much that he stopped. Not that he did last night but the thought that it is not something he is comfrable doing. Because it is something that like I said am very into and want then. It is not like its the first day and I’m bleeding heavy. Sometimes as much as I want it I will wait until the 3rd or 4th day because it is more than normal. Or I will think I’m done be fine for a day then the next it is back. There are times I will spot for a few days, how is he going to feel about that? If I’m just spotting i haven’t even said anything. Didn’t think it was a big deal but I don’t know now.

He had taken a shower before I got there when I left he took another one. I knew most he did. He had messaged me I was driving I messaged back it took awhile for him to answer. I ask him if he got something to eat and a shower? He said a shower yes. I said you were talking about eating earlier. Get something go get some sleep. He said he might he was laying there.

I don’t know because no one else at all that I have been with has had a problem with sex that time of the month. I knew some women won’t, like bff wants nothing to do with sex when it is that time. I knew some guys were freaked out by it but never dealt with it and i guess didn’t think I would be dealing with it in this way if it ever did come up.

What are your feelings on the subject? Okay with it? Freaked out by the idea? How does your partner feel about it?

I told him I wanted to go to the beach tonight. Maybe we can sit and talk.

{March 2, 2020}   Court With R.C Round 1

I have been waiting for this day for right about 7 years now and it is finally here, today is the first of at least two or three court dates with R.C. I am sure he is going to probably drag things out and want to do the dna test. That is fine Little Bitty and I already did ours last year. It has been just about a year maybe 8 months or so. I think we did it right before or right after my first court date with Father of The Year. Goes to show you how slow and how log it takes to get anywhere with the child support people. But I just don’t have time to do all this myself right now. If I was working one job and not dealing with the Bitch and have her there in my ass 24/7 I could have taken them both to court myself and had things done a lot faster. So here we are waiting for them to take care of it. I

I will be surprised if he don’t ask for the dna test. If he does they will take it right there why he is at the courthouse or child support office. Then it will take two weeks for them to get the results back. I figure if they take it today we will have the results back in 4 to 8 weeks maybe 6 if we are lucky. I am not looking to get them in the 2 weeks like they say. Even if they do everything quickly on his side, we still have to wait for my office to send the results to the lab and then them to process them. Then they will send them back to the offices that requested them and I will have to wait for them to send me the results or tell me. That will probably require a court date to get. I am not sure if they told us the lab would send the offices the results and us or just the offices. Even if they send a copy to us it will still take the office here forever to do something with the results once they get them. Then it will take forever for them to get us another court date.

I a at work now I don’t have to be at court until 2, I am taking off at 12:15/12:30 and headed that way since it is about 30 miles or more away. They are doing road work and it will be lunch time traffic and I am having a small issue with my car. I don’t want to wait until the last minute to head that way. I want to give myself time and maybe stop and get something to eat on the way I a going to this one by myself. I am okay with that. Jw said the other day I don’t know if I can take off and go with you to that one. I said it’s okay, I am fine with going to this one by myself. I figure he is going to phone it in since he is out of state and I don’t have an issue or issues with him like I do father of the year. No things didn’t leave off on good terms with us and he has not been in the picture the last 7 years. But at the same time, he has not done near the things Father of the Year has. He also has not been in the picture making life hell and not doing his part at the same time like farther of the year did. He decided he didn’t want to be in the picture he stepped out and let me do what I needed to do for her. He didn’t try to interfere in that or keep me from that. He didn’t try to tell me what i could or couldn’t do or say he was going to be there and not or be a when he felt like it parent. Like I have said before. I respect that more than someone that just wants to be in the picture when they feel like it or to try and control things from the outside when they have no right or say so in things. If you aren’t going to do it, can’t do it or just don’t want to then fine step a side and let me do me and do what I have to in order to take care of my kids. He did that he left us alone and let us live our lives. Am I happy he hasn’t been a father? No but that is something I can not control. I have to let that go and let that work out or play out how ever that is going to play out from here on out. Because that is and always has been between him and Little Bitty. As long as he is not hurting her, jerking her around or doing her like Father of the Year did or has done my other kids then I have to stay out of it and am able to keep things civil. He is the only one that is going to have to answer for what he is doing or has done. He is the one that will have to face her one day and explain why he wasn’t there. He can never ever say it was because I did not let him or that I wasn’t civil to him. I went above and beyond even after we weren’t together the few times we did talk and things to help him and to even help him and his old lady out because i knew they had kids and I wouldn’t see them do without.

I guess I better get off here and get things settled here at work before I go. I am leaving in 15 minutes or so. This day is flying by right now. I hope it keeps it up and I don’t have to be at this court house for very long. I will be leaving and going straight to work from there or looking for something to do until time to go to work if it goes to fast. I will be a few miles from my night job I’m not going to come all the way back up here for a few minutes.

The other night I was thinking about Father of The Year and how I felt when I seen him that day in court and how I felt when I foundout we were going back to court. Why I felt that way. It is that fight or flight feeling but I am not scared of him so why would I feel that way? I thought I had maybe processed it and figured it out before, but it did not feel right. It has bothered me all this time when I think about it. Why do I feel such a way when we are there at the courthouse but not out in public?

The other day thinking about it, it hit me. I am not affraid of him, I am not worried about what he is going to do. It is me that is the issue. I am so angry about all that he has done to the kids and how he is treating them, ignoring them, refusing to pay to make sure they have what they need or want. Then to think about what he did to me all those years. When I see him it just pisses me off. I get this anger or rage that just washes over me. That is how I felt in the court house this anger that then turned to fight or flight.

I felt that way because I want to confront him, I want to say something to him about how he is doing his kids, how it is effecting them, the things they say and feel. How this isn’t right. I deal with what he did to me and am working through it I could careless. But the way he is doing them is so very wrong and leaving them with things that will effect them from now on and leave things they will have to work through and deal with in their relationships. As if they were not hard enough as it is.

My thing is I can not confront him at the courthouse and tell him what a piece of shit he is. I can’t confront him and tell him the things his kids say because it will be a fight. I will be the one reprimanded for saying something. I can’t tell him how his child ask if he is going to heaven so at least he will see him there and how he said he had thought about hurting himself before. How this is his fault for walking away from him and acting as if they do not exist.

I can confront him in public because he will just run away or jump up and say lets go outside. There he will start and try to have me arrsted. Why he knows what he is doing and what he has done and walks around and has everything handed to him and just don’t show up for court like he is untouchable. That, that untouchable fuck you attitude is what really pisses me off and makes me want to knock the hell out of him. I know one of these days I just may do it. At the courthouse is not the place to do it.

et cetera
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