Single___Parent___Life











{April 12, 2020}   Blew Up My Car

On the 5th of March on my way to my night job I blew up my car. I was able to get off the off ramp of the interstate and it died on me. I was blocking traffic and everyone was having a fit and honking. It was 5 something in the evening time everyone was getting off work. Do you know how many so called “guys” honked and yelled at me and never offered to help? Mostly the ones who were was guys. One lady in scrubs pulled over and helped me push it out of the road. Good thing it was my little car. I was mad and done at that point. I couldn’t find anyone to help me. I called bff she was working no to far away so she came and picked me up. But my car was still stuck there.

I had been talking back and fourth to J.W and he called his best friend to see if he could come get me and it off the side of the road. He was all worried about the transmission and messing it up. He said your not supposed to tow cars like that with a rope. I told him I was not worried about that it was probably shot any way and I just needed it off the side of the road. I told him to tell him I didn’t care if it messed it up and would not hold him responsiable or want him to fix it. I just wanted him to get it off the side of the road. He said he would do it but he was out on the boat fishing he wasn’t sure when he would be back. I figured he was saying it because he still didn’t want to do it but didn’t want to tell J.W no. I called my Good Friend and asked him about it and why we shouldn’t tow it like that. He said really you shouldn’t tow any car like that it has always been said not to. But that if you weren’t flying and took it easy it should be fine. I said oh well hell I have towed so many cars like that it isn’t even funny. I even towed my one truck that way it was 4 wheel drive. That I found out later you are not supposed to tow like that at all. I didn’t know that at the time.

I called Mr. Responsible I wanted to see if his friend with the truck would come tow it for me. His old roommate. He couldn’t because he was already having transmission problems and couldn’t even work because he couldn’t tow his trailer with it.

J.W called and messaged around and was trying to find someone else but couldn’t find anyone either. I went with Bff and headed back toward home with her. By the time we were getting close to my area J.W called and asked where I was at and said he found someone to come get it for me. I told him I was almost back home. I asked him if I should get dropped off at his job or his house then? He said go ahead to his house the guy was on his way to his job to get him they would stop and pick me up. That is what we did.

We got there he hooked it up with a chain and we got turned around and back on the road. I thought we were going to go down the other road or other main road that would not have much traffic. We got back out on 95. Well he had me chained really close to him. I felt like I was against the tailgate of his truck and then he had his flashers on and they were reflecting off my car and his tailgate blinding me. Something else was wrong. I started to tell J.W to call him and tell him to stop I couldn’t do this we needed to fix somethings. Oh the fact he used a chain not a strap or rope was really bothering me as well. I don’t like to use chains to tow things and as close as I was to the back of the truck being on a chain bothered me. And the fact that I was chained so close behind him I could not see around him to see what was going on or what was coming up. It was a huge mess.

J.W did not have his phone number and couldn’t call him to get him to stop, turn his flashers off or anything else. We were coming off the on ramp as he is telling me this and I have semi trucks and everything else flying around me and by me. I started to go into full blown panic attack. I could’t help it everything was so wrong and I couldn’t get him to stop. It was like being on a fair ride that you couldn’t get them to stop and let you off of. But you were responsible for stopping both of you but only when the time came and they were ready. But you can’t see what is going on to know when you need to start stopping everything.

Poor J.W, was trying to help and calm me down and telling me this and that. I yelled at him, I can’t, you don’t understand. He tried to say something else and I yelled at him to just stop and not say or do anything. He just looked at me like he didn’t know what to do or say and started to say sorry. I just said I can’t you have to stop. He just sat there. All this is happening with in seconds or minutes as I am being drug down the on ramp and snatched out onto the road.

Once we got out there everything was past us, I was able to calm myself down and come to terms with it all and figure out how to work with what was happening. I am shocked I was able to calm myself down enough so fast to be able to do what I needed to do. I was able then to talk to J.W the rest of the way and he helped me some once I figured out what I needed. My friend was at work I couldn’t take it to his shop. I didn’t want it at my house because I didn’t know what I was going to do with it or who was going to work on it or what. I didn’t want it done here. I have enough issues with the people complaining and starting about whatever they can around here. We took it to JW’s house and I got a ride home from there.

I dropped the kids at school and started walking over to his house to get some things and to either walk to work or go catch the bus and get to work. My Good Friend messaged asked where I was at. I told him walking and where. He said he would be there in a bit he was on his way to the car to look at it. A few minutes or less later JW’s friend pulls up and picked me up. I guess he was on his way to go somewhere before work and seen me. He took me over and dropped me off and my friend met me there. He said he was pretty sure it was to far gone to make it worth fixing. But they would come get it take it to the shop and figure it out from there. I told him just leave it there i didn’t know what I was going to do I wasn’t fixing it if it was that big of a problem. JW’s friend picked him up for work. He dropped us of there and went to do some other things and then came and took me to work. I think I called in to my night job that night.

I called around to scrap yard and junkyards and found a place that said they would come pick it up and give me $300 for it. That was twice what anywhere around me wanted to give me. Good Friends said his brother would maybe buy it from me but he only wanted to give me scrap price and said that he called the junk yard and they said $125 to $150. I told him I found the place for $300 he said if I could get that to jump on it and take it because that was really good right now and twice what others wanted to give. I told him I knew I had been calling and that they were supposed to come get it the next day at 12.

I don’t know if I got a ride or walked to J.W’s house but I got over there and they came and gave me the money and took it. I cleaned it all out before they got there so it was ready to go. My friend drove me to Melbourne to look at one Mr. Responsible friend had but then the friend wasn’t there when we got there. It was getting late I just went home. I got up the next day and rented a truck for the week so that I could get to and from work and not lose a job or hours. Then Saturday I took it and went to find something Saturday. I came home with one too. I got a good deal and a really nice truck.

It is the same as my other just different motor and it isn’t 4 wheel drive. But the guy who bought it new was Ford mechanic and the guy I bought it from had money to keep it up and make sure it had no problems. New tires less than 10,000 miles on them, new a/c newer front end a year or two old and other things. Anything known to be a problem or go out has been fixed. The heat even works on in it. I haven’t had heat in a car in 10 years probably. I am so much happier with it than my little car. I really need the extra room. The kids are so much happier too.

I can’t right now but I want to have it painted. I am thinking about this color green……

I want to fix it up nice. It is in great shape, no rust two tiny dents thats it really. Few little things inside i want changed thats it really. I want to fix it because it is in such good shape. I don’t want it to be something that in a few years from now is a mess because the little things were let go not taken care of. I want to finally take one and do it just how I want it done. Paint seats everything. My project. Do little things when i have extra to spend on me. It has rims the grill guard. I want to paint it, get my seat covers for it. Maybe a few other things here and there as i go.

All J.W friends are like oh wow, we knew she wanted an suv. We thought she was getting a little Mountaineer or something small like that. Not something big and tuff badass like that. He just laughs says no she wanted something big with room. She had one before her car wanted another one. They can not believe what I paid for it. They blown away I gave so little for it.

J.W teases me all time about wanting a big truck. Me and big trucks. Then I told him I found something and pulled up in it. He just laughed was talking about how nice it was and then looked worried. He said how much did you pay for it? I told him he was like what? Really? That’s all or a down payment? You’re not making payments are you? I said yes that is all no payments. The title is right there. Not that it really mattered if I was making payments. But he knows it would be a stretch for me and not give me any wiggle room with hours. And i would be stressed out until it was paid off. That if i had to make payments i would end up way over paying for it.

We did some repo’s i parked them at his house to make it easier for them to be picked up. I needed my truck moved so i could park the repo. I gave him the key asked him to move it. He backed up and turned pulled around the yard and parked. I parked the repo got out to go inside he got out. He said wow I really like driving that. I want a big truck now. I busted out laughing. He said what? I said you drove it a few feet through the yard and listen to you. Your hooked already. He just smiled said what i like it.

I told him he can take it in his trip at Christmas tine if he wants to. He wants to state hope and pick up his kids. All go see his mom. He laughs. I mean it. I had already told him before he could.

Okay for now that is one of the big changes since this stay home lockdown, might be locked down mess started. Stay turned more big adventurers to come soon.



As you all know from my other post I feel this whole shut down was uncalled for. If they had not done it there would be no need for these checks. But it is only right that if the government is going to randomly shut everything down or close to everything down for no good reason they should have to do something to help the people out. And really this isn’t even a drop in the bucket compared to how much people are really losing over all this. But it is better than nothing.

But they should not tell people one thing and do something else. When they first signed everything and said it was going to happen they said that everyone would get them no matter what as long as you met the income limit. They brought up people who owed back taxes, student loans, child support and other things they normally take tax money for. They said no this was not affected by that. They were not taking them you would get them.

Because I said to J.W. that they would probably take his for back support he owes. He said no they said they said we would get it because of what is going on they are trying to make sure everyone gets what they need. He was planing on trying to get a car with it. Or at least pay and fix his license and put the rest up for a car. He was excited because it would help him get ahead some. Not have to borrow money or save forever to do it. I told him I would pay to get his license if he wanted to put it toward a car and just pay me back weekly or monthly. Because I was taking a chunk of mine putting in savings for rent. His boss will let him borrow money but she charges him all this interest on it. This way he isn’t paying that and wasting money and can get it paid off quicker. He wants to buy his cousin who pasted away last years truck from his aunt. But she won’t take payments because one of the other kids did that and never paid her for the car. I can understand that. But there is not point in having the thing if he can’t drive it and it don’t need to sit for to long either. It isn’t a lot to get his license back either. It would help him, he has helped me and others have helped me as well. I am in a spot I can help someone then I will. Just a lot more careful about it than before.

Anyway today I went over and seen him before he had to go to work. He went Easter shopping with me. We stopped at the little store to get coffee and some how checks came up because they should be coming out this week. He said that he isn’t getting one now, they have decided to take them for back support owed. He wasn’t happy I don’t blame him.

We went on finished getting our coffee and got in line and I thought of it. If they are doing that then I will get $1200 extra because Father of the Year owes almost $6000 in back support. I looked at him and said that means I will get extra. I was kind of excited about it but not that he wasn’t getting any but that father of the year is sitting there thinking he is going to get this check for doing nothing after he has everything else handed to him and now he isn’t getting it.

J.W. didn’t like that, he got a little aggravated I think. I don’t blame him I really wasn’t trying to sound excited or rub it in. It was just one of those things where you think of something and it is like oh yeah wow or duh I’m just thinking of that. He said I’m getting nothing and your getting it or getting extra. I said hey now I am not getting yours, I have nothing to do with why you are not getting yours. He said I know that isn’t what I mean. I said my situation and yours are two different things. I feel he should get his, should Father of the Year get his no.

Out of 4 cases mine and three others I know about personally who involve child support they do not handle any of it like they should. They let people like Father of the Year skate by and do nothing to him and then ones who are paying or trying to pay do right they make it harder on. You all see how they have done my case and how it has taken them 7 years to even order a dna test on RC.

Then there is J.W case who had an agreement with his ex and was paying who they stepped in and decided that wasn’t good enough or what. Changed it up he wasn’t able to make the payments they wanted him to make so now he is behind. They went to his house and picked him up on his way out the door to go to work and arrested him until someone paid to get him out. He owes no more current child support, just what he is behind and they are still taking his taxes every year and now his check like this.

Then there is my boss who is over paid in support his ex owes him and they keep taking money every pay day out of his check and sending in. They told him they won’t stop taking it out they will just hold it and send him a refund every 3 or 4 months. That is his money that is money he don’t owe and could use but they are going to take it and hold it for no good reason until they decide to give it back to him. He has been to court and everything else over it. The judge ordered it stopped. They did for like a month or two and started again. Because they didn’t like the wording the judge used. Even though they can see that he is paid ahead for x amount of time and the order says it is and that it needs to stop. He was still going around about it a few moths ago. I seen the order and things because he was using the computer at work to type a letter up and send them trying to get it stopped again.

Then there is Bff’s he pays when he wants and what he feels like paying. He is behind now and the only reason he is paying at all now is because it got to the point they were going to take his drivers license away and he would lose his CDL. He don’t want to lose that because he will lose his job. He is an over the road truck driver. So he pays just enough to keep his license and that is it. They don’t care and do nothing to him over it. Let him get away with it.

I know that Father of the Year did not file taxes in years so he will get a paper check so I don’t know how long it will take for them to send it and for me to get it. But I don’t care, it will help whenever it comes. I forgot until I talked to Bff that she owes back support as well so they aren’t going to get anything at all.

I guess it isn’t so much the checks as again the child support office who picks and chooses who to do what to and don’t go after the real deadbeats.



{April 10, 2020}   A Talk with Little Bitty

As most of you know Little Bitty is dead set against me having a husband or boyfriend. No way no how for any reason dose she want me to have one or even think about having one. Over the last few weeks I have brought it up and we have talked about it a little here and there, but not much. She just always says she don’t want to talk about it or just because. Last night it came up she started with I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to waste my breath on this, can we just talk about it later. I said you always want to talk about it later and never will we are talking about it now. She finally opened up and we had a very heartbreaking, eye opening conversation.

She said I can’t have a boyfriend because he will steal me away. She said that oldest is 16 and going to be moving out any time and the other two are going to be moving out and it will just be me and her. If I get a boyfriend he will steal me away and she will have no body because I am all she has besides the other kids who are going to be moving out. At this point she was in tears. So very upset and worried. I tried to explain to her it would be at least 2 years and probably longer before anyone started moving out and that Mr. 9 and her still had a a long time before they would be. That no matter what no one could steal me away and take me from her.

I told her that whoever I ended up with would have to like her and the rest of the kids. They would want to do things with us all together. I told her that we would find someone that understood that they came first and they would have to be okay with that or we wouldn’t be able to be together.

Then she told me she did not want another dad or step dad she was happy with the one she has even though she don’t know him. She started telling me that me and her dad are still together I never broke up with him we just didn’t live together. That some day he may come back to meet her and want to move back in with us and be together.

I had to stop myself from crying with her. I explained to her that we were broken up that is why he hasn’t been here all this time and we have not talked to him. That he broke up with me and moved away. I told her that he had a new girlfriend. She was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Then she thought that was her step mom. I told her no he was not married and that was not her step mom. I asked her if her dad could have a girlfriend then why couldn’t I have a boyfriend. She said because I had her and the other kids.

Then she thought about her dad having other kids. She said something about if he had other kids before and doing things with them. But she never put two and two together about them being her brothers and sisters if he did have kids. Last night it hit her and she said if he has other kids then that would mean they are my brothers and sisters. I said yes honey he has other kids. She said when she gets grown up she wants to move by him so she can get to know them and him and come back to see me since she is living with me now.

She never asked how many other kids or where they lived. She just assumed they lived with him. I didn’t tell her any different. I figure it is best for her to ask when she is ready to know than me giving her more information than she maybe ready for. With all that we were already dealing with I didn’t want to overwhelm her with more. She was still upset and crying.

She told me she didn’t want me to get anymore babies at all. I told her I wouldn’t that I didn’t want more babies and that whoever I ended up with would have to understand that and not want any more either. She said but if you get a boyfriend then you get babies. I said no I will keep that from happening. Then she told me no I said yes I can I will. She kept insisting how was I going to do that because that is what happens when you get boyfriends or husbands. I told her not to worry about it I just would.

She told me a lot of other things and we talked about it all and i told her how it would work or what to expect. She said he can not live with us and he has to know that I get to sleep with you too. I laughed and told her he wasn’t going to be living with us and that even if he wanted to or I wanted him to we would have to talk about it as a family and decide that it was okay for him to live with us. That it would be a while before that would happen. That we would all have to do things together and get to know him and everyone like each other and things. It wasn’t something that would just happen just like the kids aren’t moving out anytime soon.

She felt a lot better and calmed down a lot then. We talked some more. She said well he needs to have a job and his own place. He needs to be able to pay his bills and things. If his job don’t give him lot of hour then maybe you can get him a job with you and he can have two and work lots of hours like you since that is what you do. Two jobs would be okay but three would be to many probably. Then she said you two should put your money together and pay the bills and then you would have money left to do other stuff.

I said if he don’t live here then we won’t put our money together and he won’t pay our bills. I will pay our bills buy the things we need and he will pay his bills and buy the things that he needs. She said well if you put your money together and pay all the bills then you both will have more left. She said he may not have lights at his house if he is here for to long. I said what do you mean. She said if he ha to leave and go back to his house he may not have lights because he may not pay his bills there why he is here. She also told me I don’t want to snuggle with hairy arms so I have to sleep on one side of you he has to sleep on the other and know that I get to sleep with you all the time. But probably only until I am 16. Then I will probably sleep by myself. If not then when I turn 18 and move out.

She said he has to like Heartland the show we watch at night in bed. That way he can watch it with us. I don’t know what all but when we were done talking she said it would be okay if you get a boyfriend if he is a good one nice to us and you. Then she said if he is here and he is mean and won’t leave we will call the police so they can make him leave.

About and hour or two later she walked by and I was on my pone. She said what are you doing on line dating? I said no why would you say that? She said I don’t know but good because that is just weird. She said oh and I forgot to tell you, if he hurts you I’m going to hurt him. He may think I’m cute but I’m really revengeful, (as she punched her hand). And I get my way (have her ways). If he bleeds then he just bleeds I can’t help it he shouldn’t of been mean to you. My oh my this child. I don’t know if I should laugh or be scared myself.

I am blown away by all that she had to say and all that she has been thinking about. I don’t know other 7 years old’s who would think of a lot of what she said about the job and sharing bills and helping each other out and him helping us around the house and things. I feel bad that these are the things she thinks about and worries about. She is to young and shouldn’t have to think about things like that and be worried about them. Or scared that someone is going to take me away from her and that I am all she has. If these guys could see what they do to these kids when they are not in the picture and how it affects them would they even car? Would it make them change their ways?

I told J.W about our conversation and he said he could do that stuff or does that stuff or something. I told him I know. I told him he was ahead of the game because he is already Her’s and Mommy’s friend with the really cool dog.

Like I told him I think that him and my kids will get along great. If I didn’t I probably wouldn’t have considered even getting together. I didn’t get with others and that was one of the reasons, I didn’t feel they would get along with my kids good. Or a lot of them act as if they are an after thought, or bother that I have them. they don’t like that they come first. I am sure it isn’t going to be sunshine and roses right off the bat between him and all of them. I am sure that some are going to be guarded and others are going to be indifferent or not interested in him and Little Bitty will take some time getting use to him being around. But I know that if everyone truly gives everyone a chance. They give him one and he gives them one they will all end up liking each other and getting a long for the most part once it is all said and done. But like Little Bitty they have been through a lot and he is going to have to build that trust and bond between them and be careful not to break it. They are going to have to learn to let go and let people in and that not everyone is going to hurt them and that there are decent guys out there even if their dads did them this way some one wants to be there for them and with them.

I also found it interesting that Little Bitty keeps saying he can’t live with us but then at the same time says things as if he is living with us and how things are going to be or should be and happen. I think deep down she wants someone to be a father figure and she really wants that to be her dad. But also open to the idea now that she knows she will still have her dad no matter what. She has just been through so much she is scared. She didn’t like it when Sleeping Beauty was here and how he was. I think also it help for her to know that me having a boyfriend isn’t just all about me, that it involves them as well and that if there are big decisions to be made they will be made as a family not just someone pushed on them or forced on them. That everyone has to like him and him like everyone and want to spend time with all of us not just me.

I think once this lock down crap ends then I will decide when it is a good time to sit down an talk to them tell them we are together and let them meet.



{April 9, 2020}   Drug and Rehab Centers

I forget to check my spam comments sometimes so it can be pretty full when I do. I get like the rest of you sale’s this, porn that, scams and so on. Your run of the mill colorful mix.

I am not sure how these comments come about how they decide what to post where. But today was interesting I went in and had 10 comments, rather lite considering I have hardly been on in a while. But then again maybe that is why. Again I don’t know what makes them comment or why or when. But for some reason today everyone I had was for some drug treatment center and rehab. I guess the spam bots feel I have some drug problem that it is time to go to rehab for. Like if I did an advertisement for one would convince me to go.



{April 7, 2020}   A Grandma Who Bakes

The other night I came home and the witch started her shit again as soon as I walked in. I don’t know what Little Bitty done but she was saying stuff about her or to her and things. We really got into it over that. I just walked past her went to my room and shut the door. Let her talk to herself. I am not dealing with her fighting with her all the time. She will stand there at the door and throw a fit half the time it pisses her off. Then it really pisses her off that I don’t respond to her. I don’t care.

Me and Little Bitty got ready and got in bed it was late and we were going to watch our show together anyway. She was sitting up here on the bed talking to me and she had come back to the door saying something again. Little Bitty looked over at me and said I wish we had a Grandma that bakes us cookies and things instead of one who is always mean and nasty.

I told her I wish she did too and that I was sorry.

Was thinking about how things were when I was growing up until I was in my teens pretty much. My family was close, I was really close to my grandparents and aunts. I use to stay with my grandparents all the time. We always had the holidays there and my grandma always cooked, baked and made things nice.

My mom has never been that way. She will tell you she never wanted grand kids but then sit up and tell them how horrible they have it so much she does for them and all this. She even tried to tell me how she paid all my bills here. I am mad because she stopped. I would like to know how she pays almost $2000 in bills a month when she has no job and no money coming in. Big question of the night. If she was paying all my bills then why couldn’t she just keep her place and pay all her bills so she didn’t have to live here? They were less than mine by far. She couldn’t pay them that is why she is here and she can’t move and pay them now because she don’t have money and gets a very little bit monthly. She couldn’t pay for a place on her own. But she paid all my bills.



{April 6, 2020}   How are You Doing?

With this quarantine? Are you under a quarantine? To what point? We are on a stay at home order until the end of the month. Kids are out of school until May 4th. I am not working my day job and working 8 hours a day at my night job. Because at my night job we are essential employee’s since we are a trucking company and we have to bring supplies into places. Thank God because I can’t be without no job.

Other than that most everything is closed down as of last Friday. No kind of entertainment is open. Restruants are drive through, curb side pick up, drive through or delivery. The beaches are open but you can’t park at them. You can’t park on the streets around them so you just have to park in parking lots and hope not to get towed if you go. Unless you know someone who lives out there or you live close enough to walk. I only go at night there isn’t really anywhere for me to park so I haven’t been in a while. You can still go fishing for now and swimming. I seen today they closed some parks or wetland area’s where people go to hike because they were being to crowed. Stores are open 8 to 8 here if you are lucky and now a lot are starting to only let x number of people in at a time. Wal Mart was doing that over the weekend but then it started raining and they gave that up. I don’t know if they are doing it today or not. I know they are supposed to and I hear they are going to only have the food and things like that for you to buy. They are going to block other things off so you can’t buy them. I don’t think that is going to go over well. I have been going once a week to the store and to get my coffee in the mornings. Sometimes I will stop on the way home to grab a drink. Other than that I will go through the drive through or do curb side pick up for lunch or dinner on the weekend for me and the kids.

But I am not mentally doing well with this whole thing at all. I have been hardly sleeping for days at a time. I fall a sleep and just as I get into that deep sleep I will jump and be wide awake. My heart pounding out of my chest and hurting at times. I will do that all night as soon as I start to get in that deep sleep. Or I just don’t sleep at all, I will go to bed think I been laying there and hour or less and it has been 4. Then the next thing I know it i time to get up.

I have been really irritable with the kids and everyone else as well with things. My moods have just been swinging all over the place. I feel clingy and needy and I feel like I have been dumping on J.W.   We aren’t getting to see each other as much either because his hours have changed as well, but mostly because of mine.

I was starting to feel good about us and that maybe things were really going to be alright, this might be it. Then all this has been going on and I feel like maybe we aren’t, maybe he is going to get tired of waiting for me, waiting on me to tell the kids, waiting on me to have time to come over or us to do things together.

I am worried that I am going to run him off with my dumping/venting to him. My just being stressed and down and aggravated. Or being to clingy/needy. I keep telling him I am sorry and that I am not trying to vent or dump on him. He keeps saying I’m not and that I have a lot going on, he understands, wishes he could do more. I told him last night I really wasn’t trying to bitch and be a pain in the ass. I am just so stressed and don’t know what to do. I told him a week or so ago I need something to take and have been trying to figure out what to get. He told me he missed me he wished he was here with me. To stop saying sorry I hadn’t done anything wrong.

He comments about staying the night and doing different things that he knows I can’t do right now. I tell him he knows I can’t do that right now. He says I know I am just messing with you. Or he knows one day soon and things. I am scared, I am scared that he is going to get tired of me not being able to do things because of the kids and find someone that isn’t tied to kids and can do things he wants to do without having to make arrangements or who can make them and has someone to watch them. I am jealous as well that he can just get up and do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to and has his nights free after work and his day off free to do what he wants to do and don’t have to worry about anything. It isn’t his fault it is what it is. I am pissed off, I am pissed off that I never have a break. I am pissed off that the other two walk around and do anything and everything they want to do and never once have to or think about their kids why I do it all and never get a second to do anything at all that I don’t have to have my phone on me and worry about kids. I am tired, I am tired of being the only one who does it all, not having a break and not sleeping. I am just a huge ball of emotions. Like I told J.W last night I don’t even want to be around myself, I am sorry for being so bitchy and a pain in the ass. That is when he told me he missed me and wanted to be around me and I was fine.

You know I am not stressed about having to work, or worried that I might catch this or that I might give it to someone else. The verus don’t bother me at all. I am stressed about not getting to work. I am stressed my hours have been cut from 62 to 40. I am stressed because I am stuck in this house all the time when I am off and we can’t do anything. I am stressed because there is no end to this in sight. I am stressed because I am tired and want a break. I am stressed because I feel this whole thing was handled horribly and there are going to be so much bad come of this once things open up. I am just stressed because I don’t know what to do with myself. I work that is just what I do and I can’t work. I can’t make the money I need to make to do the things I need to do. I can’t go anywhere or do anything to get a break from the house. I was going to J.W’s at night to see him but now he don’t get off until two hours or more after I get off most days. Then by the time we get to see each other or spend time together it is midnight/1 am. What am I supposed to do for hours until he gets off and that is time I could be home with the kids really get to see them spend time with them. As much as I want to, I don’t want to either. Because every little thing they do drives me up the wall. They really aren’t doing anything just being kids. I know it is me.

I went to the store last night and found something to take. It is all natural. It says to take it three times day or every 15 minutes if you have panic attack not to go over 6 dose. I took it last night when I got it and once this morning on my way to work. I was going to take it later and I didn’t end up taking it. I am going to take it three times tomorrow like it says, see if I notice a change in how I feel the next few days. Or if I just need to take it when I am feeling some kind of way and like I need something. But I am thinking taking it three times like it says will get it built up in my system. If not I will move on to something else.

We have a naturalist in the area I was going to go by and talk to them but they are closed only pick up or mail order. If what I got don’t work I am going to call or message them and see what they recommend. I was going to try this stuff that Bff gets her daughter but it is only 20 pills one for day one for night. It will only last a little over two weeks. I am also going to try to get our medical covrage back in case i need to go in and get something.

Comment let us know how you are doing and lets support each other.



{April 6, 2020}   Ammo Boxes and Comforters

The kids have not been going out since all this lock down virus crap has been going on. I have been doing my weekly shopping on my own and J.W has been going with me. We were in Wal Mart and I was looking around for a gift for Little Bitty. Her birthday was Saturday. Can you believe she is 7 already? I know where has the time gone?

Anyway we went down the clearance aisle he was walking behind me pushing the cart. I spotted this neat looking wood box on the bottom shelve. Soon as I seen it I knew it was an ammo box. I bent down pulled it out and was looking at it and talking about how nice it was. He didn’t say anything, I turned around to see if he was still there or what he was doing. He was looking on the shelf behind me. We both turned around at the same time to show the other what we had found.

I turn around holding the ammo box and he turns around with the comforter. All I could do was laugh. We looked at what we each had and went on after we put them back. I couldn’t help but laugh. He said something about me laughing at him and the blanket. I said no honey I am not laughing at you and the blanket. I said I was just laughing because we both turn around to show the other what we found. He said yeah so?

I said your holding a comforter

I am holding an ammo box

I said that’s……. He started laughing and said yeah I guess that is a little backwards or normally the other way around. I said yeah. He said I didn’t think ammo box, I just thought it was a neat box to store things in. I said yeah I guess you could put whatever you want in it but it is an ammo box.

He don’t like guns at all, but knows that I have mine and is okay with that and understand they were my dads. He knows that I want to get my concealed carry so that I can carry it as well and understands and thinks it is a good idea with it being me and the kids and me working so late and things. I am not sure why he don’t like guns, we haven’t really talked about it. I think it has something to do with maybe his dad when they were kids. I know he wasn’t good to his mom.

I wish I had extra money I would of picked up a couple they were nice boxes to keep things in I would of gave the to the boys to put keepsake things in they wanted to put up and keep. I may have bought them any way if I had thought of it when I was there. I keep my ammo locked in the bottom of the gun cabinet in the box it came in. But I thought they were nice boxes. They looked like the one in the picture. I think there were a few different pictures on them other than the one. I may go back payday and pick up a couple I need to see what normal price is on them to see if it is worth it or not. I think the boys would like that. I want to get a jump on birthdays and Christmas this year. The way the year is starting it is probably a good idea.



et cetera
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