How are You Doing?

With this quarantine? Are you under a quarantine? To what point? We are on a stay at home order until the end of the month. Kids are out of school until May 4th. I am not working my day job and working 8 hours a day at my night job. Because at my night job we are essential employee’s since we are a trucking company and we have to bring supplies into places. Thank God because I can’t be without no job.

Other than that most everything is closed down as of last Friday. No kind of entertainment is open. Restruants are drive through, curb side pick up, drive through or delivery. The beaches are open but you can’t park at them. You can’t park on the streets around them so you just have to park in parking lots and hope not to get towed if you go. Unless you know someone who lives out there or you live close enough to walk. I only go at night there isn’t really anywhere for me to park so I haven’t been in a while. You can still go fishing for now and swimming. I seen today they closed some parks or wetland area’s where people go to hike because they were being to crowed. Stores are open 8 to 8 here if you are lucky and now a lot are starting to only let x number of people in at a time. Wal Mart was doing that over the weekend but then it started raining and they gave that up. I don’t know if they are doing it today or not. I know they are supposed to and I hear they are going to only have the food and things like that for you to buy. They are going to block other things off so you can’t buy them. I don’t think that is going to go over well. I have been going once a week to the store and to get my coffee in the mornings. Sometimes I will stop on the way home to grab a drink. Other than that I will go through the drive through or do curb side pick up for lunch or dinner on the weekend for me and the kids.

But I am not mentally doing well with this whole thing at all. I have been hardly sleeping for days at a time. I fall a sleep and just as I get into that deep sleep I will jump and be wide awake. My heart pounding out of my chest and hurting at times. I will do that all night as soon as I start to get in that deep sleep. Or I just don’t sleep at all, I will go to bed think I been laying there and hour or less and it has been 4. Then the next thing I know it i time to get up.

I have been really irritable with the kids and everyone else as well with things. My moods have just been swinging all over the place. I feel clingy and needy and I feel like I have been dumping on J.W.   We aren’t getting to see each other as much either because his hours have changed as well, but mostly because of mine.

I was starting to feel good about us and that maybe things were really going to be alright, this might be it. Then all this has been going on and I feel like maybe we aren’t, maybe he is going to get tired of waiting for me, waiting on me to tell the kids, waiting on me to have time to come over or us to do things together.

I am worried that I am going to run him off with my dumping/venting to him. My just being stressed and down and aggravated. Or being to clingy/needy. I keep telling him I am sorry and that I am not trying to vent or dump on him. He keeps saying I’m not and that I have a lot going on, he understands, wishes he could do more. I told him last night I really wasn’t trying to bitch and be a pain in the ass. I am just so stressed and don’t know what to do. I told him a week or so ago I need something to take and have been trying to figure out what to get. He told me he missed me he wished he was here with me. To stop saying sorry I hadn’t done anything wrong.

He comments about staying the night and doing different things that he knows I can’t do right now. I tell him he knows I can’t do that right now. He says I know I am just messing with you. Or he knows one day soon and things. I am scared, I am scared that he is going to get tired of me not being able to do things because of the kids and find someone that isn’t tied to kids and can do things he wants to do without having to make arrangements or who can make them and has someone to watch them. I am jealous as well that he can just get up and do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to and has his nights free after work and his day off free to do what he wants to do and don’t have to worry about anything. It isn’t his fault it is what it is. I am pissed off, I am pissed off that I never have a break. I am pissed off that the other two walk around and do anything and everything they want to do and never once have to or think about their kids why I do it all and never get a second to do anything at all that I don’t have to have my phone on me and worry about kids. I am tired, I am tired of being the only one who does it all, not having a break and not sleeping. I am just a huge ball of emotions. Like I told J.W last night I don’t even want to be around myself, I am sorry for being so bitchy and a pain in the ass. That is when he told me he missed me and wanted to be around me and I was fine.

You know I am not stressed about having to work, or worried that I might catch this or that I might give it to someone else. The verus don’t bother me at all. I am stressed about not getting to work. I am stressed my hours have been cut from 62 to 40. I am stressed because I am stuck in this house all the time when I am off and we can’t do anything. I am stressed because there is no end to this in sight. I am stressed because I am tired and want a break. I am stressed because I feel this whole thing was handled horribly and there are going to be so much bad come of this once things open up. I am just stressed because I don’t know what to do with myself. I work that is just what I do and I can’t work. I can’t make the money I need to make to do the things I need to do. I can’t go anywhere or do anything to get a break from the house. I was going to J.W’s at night to see him but now he don’t get off until two hours or more after I get off most days. Then by the time we get to see each other or spend time together it is midnight/1 am. What am I supposed to do for hours until he gets off and that is time I could be home with the kids really get to see them spend time with them. As much as I want to, I don’t want to either. Because every little thing they do drives me up the wall. They really aren’t doing anything just being kids. I know it is me.

I went to the store last night and found something to take. It is all natural. It says to take it three times day or every 15 minutes if you have panic attack not to go over 6 dose. I took it last night when I got it and once this morning on my way to work. I was going to take it later and I didn’t end up taking it. I am going to take it three times tomorrow like it says, see if I notice a change in how I feel the next few days. Or if I just need to take it when I am feeling some kind of way and like I need something. But I am thinking taking it three times like it says will get it built up in my system. If not I will move on to something else.

We have a naturalist in the area I was going to go by and talk to them but they are closed only pick up or mail order. If what I got don’t work I am going to call or message them and see what they recommend. I was going to try this stuff that Bff gets her daughter but it is only 20 pills one for day one for night. It will only last a little over two weeks. I am also going to try to get our medical covrage back in case i need to go in and get something.

Comment let us know how you are doing and lets support each other.