Single___Parent___Life











{May 28, 2020}   Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.



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