Single___Parent___Life











{August 16, 2020}   I Don’t Like The Person They Have Turned Me Into

After dealing with R.C and Father of The Year I don’t like me. I don’t like the way I feel in a relationship anymore. I don’t like that I can’t decide if there really is something wrong or if it’s just me. I hate how needy and clingy I feel.

I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel that closeness, that connection, that bond. I feel like friends and not even friends with benefits. It’s so hard to explain or for me to even under really. I know things are all messed up because of the way things are right now with the kids not knowing. Nothing being open not being able to do things go places. And then there is the issue of sex and things as well. It is all just getting to me. The fact I hate my life right now the way me and the kids are living. The fact I can’t get out of it. Everyone is unhappy.

But things with JW were good and I was happy there other than the one issue we have going on. But I was still happy and still felt loved and like a couple. Now I just don’t know, I feel like when it comes to affection and things he keeps me at arms length. At the same time. I feel like maybe it’s just me and how I am that makes me feel that way. Or maybe I’m not getting close or letting him be closer because I’m scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt.

I know we have been together 7/8 months we are falling into that normal for us routine. Thing’s aren’t going to be like they were in the bargaining. The new is fading this is us now. But at the same time I feel like we are pulling away from each other. Well I feel he is and I am wanting to be clingy and need that extra. I was never that way before. But it’s like once we hit that settled this is us, this is our normal then it is going to end. Because when I get comfortable it always ends. How do I get past that feeling? How do I get past the feeling of needing that extra from him?

I think he is happy he called me every night he was away not just the one time I asked him to. He stayed on the phone for an hour or more everytime. He keeps telling me now how he can’t wait until things are different we have a place together. How he can’t wait to fall a sleep with me and wake up to me in the morning. How much better we will both sleep and talks about wanting to take the kids and do stuff with them spend time with them do for them. This is just random out of the blue not like we will be talking about things or anything.

I can’t get past the feeling he just settled either. I know everyone is different. But then he say’s why didn’t we see each other back in the day. Why didn’t we talk before now. Had I known what was going on and thing’s. He wish we gotten together years ago when we found each other.

He ask what’s wrong sometimes and I say nothing. He don’t like it but he don’t push it. But I don’t know how to tell him or if I should. Some thing’s I want him to know there is an issue with still. I want to tell him how I feel and that I am scared. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he is doing something wrong or I am saying it’s his fault. Just how I feel and what I need right now. I keep telling myself the way things are is my fault once things change maybe it will be better. Not to say anything or he may leave. I think i don’t want him to leave. But at the same time it’s like okay fine let him if that is to much for him. Better to find out now than later on. But i so want to be with him and care about him and feel good about us all as a family. I don’t want to lose him. I just don’t know anymore.



[…] that everything is okay. I hate feeling that way because I never did before. Like I said in my post I Don’t Like The Person They Have Turned Me Into I think it all comes down to that. I feel wrong for expecting more from him because of what someone […]



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