Could Of Been Me

As I sit here at work in front of my computer billing away each day I listen to pod cast on my ear buds. I listen to things like 48 hours, Crime Beat and other true crime or documentaries. Sadly so many of them are about husbands killing their wives or ex wives, boyfriends killing their girlfriends or ex girlfriends. It seems so hard to believe that there are so many of these women this happens to. But then when you think of the statistics 75% + of women who leave or try to leave end up dead. But still so many people don’t believe this goes on or marginalizes how bad domestic violence is or joke’s about it. As if it is no big deal.

So many feel it won’t happen to me or it won’t happen to my friend, loved one or co worker. My son, brother, friend, uncle wouldn’t do that even when the signs are there. I don’t know if it is because people don’t know what to look for? They don’t want to believe it?

As I sit here and listen to story after story, it for some reason really hit me today, how much danger I was really in and how that any one of these women they are talking about could of been me. How it was that bad and I really could not be here today.

It made me wonder why? Why didn’t I realize it at the time? Why didn’t I see it when friends and family were pointing it out and saying it? Why wasn’t I scared? Worried? Reporting him? Why didn’t I tell anyone about him knocking me up side the head or the back of the head when he would get mad. Or him shoving me across the room or through the house screaming and spitting in my face? Why didn’t I tell about him having me so upset I would be locked in the bathroom sick while he beat the door still screaming and yelling at me while laughing.

I would sit there leaning against the door begging him to go away. To just leave me alone and stop doing this if for no other reason than because of the kids being there watching, listening. He keep on until he got fed up and he would walk off like nothing ever happened. He truly was like jekyll and hyde. One minute raging the next nothing happen cooking, playing with the kids or walk off and go watch tv.

There were time’s I thought he was going to do some thing to himself. Bff was extremely scared he was going to do something to me. We lived close like 2 blocks from each other. Any time she heard syrens she would look to see where they were going or call/message me to see if I was alright. If she was gone for the day and we weren’t together she would call or message me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I have told you all that before I am sure. There was a few times my mom said something and my sister. My sister was scared to be around him. She would not be left alone with him even as an adult. She was worried about me and the kids.

But thinking about it I think I wasn’t scared because I always would fight back and I wasn’t scared to stand up to him and do whatever I had to in order to get away. Before I get a bunch of people attacking me. I know a lot of these women were the same way probably and how many of them did fight back to get away. But I think I was just so use to it and use to it getting worse and worse and thinking ahead to worse case or what if this or that happen. That I really just wasn’t worried about it or thought that it would just be another fight to get through and deal with. I always had the thought is this going to be the time he blacks my eye? Is this going to be the time he breaks my nose. Just all out beat my ass? What am I going to do if he does this or that. The whole time we would be fighting I would be thinking ahead if he does this I can grab that, if he was to try that I can get out this way. I would be looking around what he was close to that he may pick up to use in some way and thinking what I would do if he did.

Writing that my mind is going, oh my god it is no wonder I am the way I am. Always in a state of survival every day. Spend wondering if and when he is going to snap, how bad it was going to be and what I am going to have to do just to survive another day. But at the time you are not thinking survival. It is just your normal every day life. You are just thinking of getting through another day. Sometimes you have the thought if you were dead at least you wouldn’t be miserable and your kids wouldn’t be living in the fighting every day.

We Don’t Need Each Other

I was thinking while I was eating lunch about mine and JW’s relationship. All though we have our little issue other than that we are really good together and happy. I was thinking how different it is than being with Father of The Year, RC and other guy’s I have talked to or went out with in the past. How it isn’t stressful, there isn’t fighting or tension. That yes sometimes he gets mad or aggregated with me or pissy. But when he does it is because I won’t open up tell him what is wrong or bothering me. I just get quite with drawl some and go on my way. He wants to know what is wrong or bothering me. He will talk about it try to work it out, help or just be there for support. He gets aggregated I won’t tell him and let him. That I hold it in and just deal with it on my own or just stuff it. He really does care a lot about people and for sure the one’s he is close to like family, me, friends and even my kids. No one is going to do anything to us or mess with us. If something is wrong he wants to be there for you even if it is just to listen.

He isn’t the only one that has has said something about it. I seen a memory from the past pop up on Facebook, RC commented on it he was there for me and to help. I said I knew. He said you act like your alone in this and don’t let me in or let me help. It hit me then that I did. He was the same as JW he would sit and talk about things and try to help. Thinking about it as I write this I pushed him away. Because I did shut down and stop talking and held a lot in. But we had other issues that caused it. We had some issues between us with the kids and Father of The Year.

I want to open up and tell JW, let him be there and help. But it is so hard when I am so use to how things were. I couldn’t open up, if I did it was twisted turned around or I was told how horrible I was or what. Just beat down, belittled, and treated like dirt or ignored. They would get mad.

It is hard for me to say what I want to say and make it come out right. I have to really think about it before I say things. I don’t want the things I say to be taken wrong. Because even if you go back and explain it, it is always there. RC was like that when we got together, he take a while or not say some thing’s because he wasn’t sure how to say it or make it sound right. We came up with nothing said can be taken any which way. Once something was said then they could explain more now that the main point or problem was out. The other person could ask questions or what to clarify how they meant it if they took it this way or that way. You couldn’t just get mad or upset and react. It really did help and let us have more open conversations. Because we could just say what needed said.

Even though I know JW wants to know what is wrong and wants to talk about it or be there to help and support. I also know that he takes things very personally. I don’t want something to come out wrong. Because even if you say that came out wrong or it isn’t how I meant it, it is still hard to forget or feel there isn’t some truth to it.

Like when he made the can never please you comment to me a while back. He said he was sorry it came out wrong. Not right away but later when things calmed down and we were talking. He honestly didn’t remember saying it. I could tell when I said something about it. The look on his face he said I didn’t say that to you. I said yes you did when we were talking about x,y,z. He just looked at me like he screwed up or what. I know he is dealing with stuff from his past his ex’s did. But it has stuck with me. Even though I truly don’t think he meant to say it and didn’t mean me more as in this has been an issue for him and over all couldn’t or can’t.

I just know that it is nice without all the stress and fighting. I know my kids are not in the picture yet and things. But it is a whole different dynamic than it was with me and RC. And they both are 100% different than Father of The Year.

I deal with a few things from stuff that happen between me and RC. But really sitting down thinking about it and looking at the big picture. I can see that the abuse from Father of The Year was worse than I realized it was when I was in it. I knew when I was in it it was bad not right. I look back and tell someone about this or that and it hits wow that was really messed up. Or wow I never realized this or that or how bad that was. It was just life at the time you get use to it, you deal with it, you ignore it or make up excuses or try to fix it and the list goes on. You distract your self with all these lies or other things like trying to fix it just so you can get through it. It is sad to think we do these things. That we live our lives this way.

Then the one’s who get away, get out of it we live with the lasting effects it has on us. Now not only do we deal with it but it pours over into our relationships with our kids, friends, family and partners. I don’t know if one can ever truthfully say they 100% get past it and don’t have any issues pop up. I swear I have PTSD from the shit I went through with Father of The Year.

Part if the problem me and JW have with out issue in the bedroom is because of things Father of The Year done. I told JW what he did that it was many times. But no kind of details. But the other night I had to ask him would you please not do X unless I ask you or move you to? Right away he was worried he did something wrong. I had to tell him no but because of what happened when he does I am not longer into what we are doing. When it happens, that fight or flight shoots through my body. I have to stop myself from pushing him away and getting up. I can get it to go away quickly but then I’m done I am not into it and can’t get back into it. He has asked me more than once what is wrong because he can see the change. I just say I’m alright. Sometimes it is bad enough I can’t get past it he just stops lays there beside me holding me. I wanted to tell him before but I just couldn’t get it out and tell him. Even though he knew it happen I still felt it was going to change things between us. Or the way he looked at me reacted to me interacted with me. Or if he knew any details he wouldn’t want to be together anymore. I tell myself he is different things have been good all this time and everything I have told him and has happened. But in my head I am still in the it is just a matter of time or that one thing is going to come up that makes him say nope done. At the same time I don’t feel it will.

Our relationship is different. We really don’t need anything from each other. Like with Father of The Year he didn’t really have friends, he hadn’t really ever had a relationship or girlfriend. He wasn’t stable in life. As in a job that he made anything at or a place to stay or the friends, relationship and all. He was looking for someone to come in and be everything and for their life to revolve around him and include him all the time if he wasn’t at work. And you shouldn’t do things when he was working because it wasn’t fair he wasn’t there to go. You should never have time alone. You were his friend, girlfriend and the one to make everything was taken care of or make everything happen for him. Find him a job find a car find a place to live and on and on.

RC had a job, friends, a place could hold it together and was doing it. But he needed a mom for his kids. Or I should say someone to help him take care of his kids so he wasn’t doing it on his own. He had unrealistic ideas going into things. When you are going into a relationship that kids are involved in on either side it changes things. When they are involved from both sides it really changes things. You can’t expect someone to step in from day one and take over full care of yours and theirs all on their own and expect it to be done your way as well.

With JW things are completely different. He has a life, he has a job, he has a place. He is doing it on his own and fine with doing it on his own. He is looking for a relationship for the relationship its self. Not because he needs it. He wants the companionship, the support, the closeness. That having someone there you can count on and trust. The partner or team to take care of and handle things. Even though you can do it on your own it is always nice to have the support and to feel like someone cares about you. But knowing if something happens you can walk away without worrying about anything because you aren’t depending on them for anything. You are doing it as a team now instead of on your own. But you can go back to on your own just the same. Even if their are kids involved on either side as long as you don’t lose that being okay on your own or you don’t let yourself get depend on the other or get into a place of needing them it will be okay if something happens. It will be hard but you won’t be stuck.

When I was with Father of The Year I was stuck. I had gotten laid off and found out I was pregnant. I stayed home with the kids through my pregnancy. After I had the baby I had no one to watch the kids. He wouldn’t watch them. He wouldn’t even show up when I had interviews to watch them. When I did have money if he found it he took it or wouldn’t pay things until he knew it was gone. Then there was the disaster with RC. I wasn’t really depending on him I had money coming in and a place. I just started planing and he backed out.

I’m like JW, I am at that point in life I have everything else as squared a way as it can be. I may hit some bumps but we are making it and doing a little better than getting by even with one job. I am ready to take that next step and let someone else in again. I feel in taking my time and being picky has paid off I found someone that don’t need me but wants me. Just as much as I want him.

 

Re: Screwed Up Big Time

I had told JW yesterday morning when I realized what had happen. I picked him up we went and got something to eat. Came home walked the dog and ate dinner. We started to talk and then had to stop to take care of something. We ended up going to bed kind of early. We laid down and I told him I screwed up. He asked what happen?

I said I screwed up. He ask what I done what was wrong? I told him earlier I did and he wanted to know what. I told him we would talk in person. I said we may have an issue. He said we why what is wrong babe? I told him the last couple nights when he was asking about what to do, I wasn’t thinking about what he was talking about at the moment.

He started he was sorry, he should of done more and got something and things.

I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He tried to do something but that I just messed up. He said he was sorry again he should of did more. He said if he was meant to have another baby he would of had one by now. He would of had one with his ex because she had her iud taken out.

He really thinks it can’t happen. He can’t have any more kids because in the 8 or so years they were together they didn’t. I keep telling him maybe because of how she was and how things were. I don’t know why people think like this.

I told him everything being a mess and not tracking and things for so long that it was going to take a few months or so before it will be usable. He said yeah he knew and things. It wasn’t a big deal or what. He said he was going to have to get the bag of goodies and put in the night stand 😄.

I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected but not him to be do it’s okay or not a big deal. I know, he knows, I didn’t do it on purpose or anything like that. Sadly I guess I am just so use to fighting over everything and being told how it’s my fault or what. I hope not but if ut is then it is. We will do what we have to do.

 

Screwed Up Big Time

I can not believe how badly I have screwed up and now have to tell JW as well. As you all know I stopped taking my birth control a few weeks ago after ending up in the hospital. I told JW at the tome what I found when I started researching it and the side effects. I found I had some of the more sever and uncommon ones. He agreed I shouldn’t take it anymore and we would figure something else out as he put it.

I didn’t forget I stopped taking it or what. I just wasn’t thinking about it. Twice lately he has told me he was about to cum said where or something like that. I just said okay or what. He always tells me sometimes I tell him not yet or something. So I didn’t think anything of it. I did the way he said it but for a split second and figured I miss understood what he said or he miss spoke. After that split second I forgot about it.

Last night was one of those nights. He finished before I was expecting him to. He asked what was wrong I told him he was just like oh sorry that was that. I wasn’t happy the way he acted.

I got up for a while after that, then tossed and turned all night. I just didn’t feel good. I was thinking about it this morning on the way to work. I went put my lunch up and was going back to my desk. What he said hit me and what he meant hit me like a ton of bricks. That made me feel even sicker. My stomach was already in knots. I was distracted all day and messed up at work and everything else thinking about it all. I just wanted to come home be with him sit down and talk. I did not want to be at work today. Had I not missed so much already I probably would of left.

He was asking me if he should pull out or not when he said he was going to cum and where he should. Since I stopped taking the pill. At the moment I wasn’t thinking of that. I had told him we had to be really careful because a lot of people get pregnant right away when they stop taking them and things. Here I messed up.

I don’t know if he thinks I am tracking monthly or what. Because that is what I was doing when we got together and have used for years now. I have started back but you have to track for a few months or so for it to get all the information and be right. Because I had not had my monthly but once why I was on the pills and being on them changes it all anyway since you can start it when you want. I haven’t been trying to track it myself because it is all messed up. I had one last month was about 7 or 8 days long and pretty bad. Then nothing for 12 days because I started the new week of pills. But then stopped them all together it started again for 4 days. It is going to take time to get back on a normal cycle again.

I can’t believe I wasn’t thinking about what he meant when he said it and told him oh it’s fine. One night I had gotten triggered and just wanted to be done. So he said he was ready i was like go ahead. Last night it just happen i was like your fine. I don’t know how he is going to react. But he can’t get to mad right. I mean he hasn’t asked if or what I am doing to keep anything from happening. Or question how do you know it’s okay. He was just going to pull out and that is no where near a sure thing. I hope everything is fine this is the last thing I need right now.

All Things Relationship

I have talked to Bff a lot the last few days. This in turn has had me thinking about relationships and the way we do thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else thoughts and feelings are on some thing’s as well.

I will do a follow up post this weekend with my answers and all of your in put. I look forward to seeing if more of you see things the way I do or the way Bff see’s them. I will give you her point of view on thing’s as well.

Let’s start with the basics.

Do you feel there are things you should know before you consider a relationship/dating someone?

What things do you want to know upfront?

Do you feel there is a difference in dating and being in a relationship with someone?

If so what is the difference in the two?

If not why do you feel there isn’t?

Can you see/talk to others if you are dating/in a relationship?

When you start a relationship/dating do you go into it expecting it to last or just see what happens?

Are you currently single?

Do you have kids at home?

Do you think your answers would be different if you did/didn’t have kids?

At what point do you introduce your children to the person you are in a relationship with/dating?

I hope you all take the time to answer and share. I am really interested in everyone’s answers.

 

 

Covid Encounters Pt.9…..Not Happy

If you have been following my Covid Encounters you know we have had over half the office staff test positive for Covid. We have had the office shut down for the last few weeks.

Then I went in Tuesday and the new girl was back and the new book keeping lady. Both tested positive. I’m not thrilled it wasn’t what we were told but I guess if she got a negative okay.

I didn’t go yesterday Wednesday because I was up all night sick and went some places to try and get help with my gallbladder. Today I go in they are there. About 10 or 11 she says she is calling about her test results. I’m thinking what results? She comes in and say’s they told her it could take 6 weeks. Then she says something about being surprised the owner let her come back without a negative. I was pissed. I started to say something and I didn’t. I didn’t want to start shit.

After they all left the HR lady and me were the only ones there. I went in and ask her. She said yeah she had no say and questioned it to. She said but they had her look up the CDC and what they said about when people could come back. That is what they are going by. It says after 10 days if not sick.

Shouldn’t Have But……..

Tried to post this yesterday 9/9 but couldn’t get it to.

I kind of done something yesterday I shouldn’t have but I did. I went and bought a dresser, night stand and mirror. It has the bed frame but it is damaged. I it isn’t a hard fix but I don’t know if I want to mess with it. I don’t need it right this minute so I wasn’t worried about it.

I stopped by the rental store that I go to when I need stuff or I am thinking about changing things. The possibility of getting this house we are going to need stuff for it. We have been some places already. We couldn’t go there because it is Sunday when we get to go and they are closed. Since we were off Monday we stopped in.

They had some cash and carry deals on the board. A few were bedroom sets. I asked him and looked at them. I really liked the one it is black. He said he could do all 3 pieces for $125. I didn’t do it. I wanted to think about it. But yesterday I went back and got it.

I wanted to talk to JW about it first as well. He said he really liked it too and thought it was a good deal. We could order the chest and extra nightstand when we needed it. I have everything that I just bought already. I am not in the mood to unload the dresser, move everything off and around it or moving it. I have to find two people to move it and then get the new in and everything put back. I am not doing it. Hell I’m not even home yet.

I told him if I bought it I would have them bring it to his house and he could use it. He don’t have a dresser or nightstand. He has his clothes on a shelf. Until we got together he really had no way to go look for one or get it home. Then a lot of places are closed Sunday his only day off. He was saving for his trip and things so no interested really in looking. So it was perfect because they could walk in sit it down and be done. Not all the hassle like my house. He said that was fine. Then when we get a place together we will just move it over there. Right now we both have something to use. Because honestly if it went to my house the one that I brought out would be brought over here. So why go through all that for one to end up here anyway. I don’t care what one I use. He don’t either.

They brought it out and I am glad I bought it. I really do like it.

Not great pictures but we didn’t put the mirror on since the back of it would face the bed. We need to be able to sit the tv up there and be able to see it. We faced it to the wall and put it behind the headboard until we move. I was thinking today I can get $125 maybe more for the set I have. So then I’m really not out any money.

Covid Encounters Pt.8

I don’t know how to feel or what to think. I pull up to work yesterday and there are a lot of cars in the lot. I was thinking driver’s parking in our lot since it isn’t being used. I pulled up to park and notice that one is the new girl’s van. Then I see the new accounting ladies car. I go in and they of course are both there. Then I notice another person there. The office floater I call him. He is the go between for the office and drivers and helps here and there. They later said the guy I worked with on the night shift was going to be coming back in.

All 4 of them are ones who tested positive in the first round of test. Just over two weeks ago. They say they all have been tested and have negative test now. But I still kind of feel they should be home in case seeing as the test contradict each other so much. Two test in one day same person one says yes one says no. If this is going to put people out of work for weeks at a time then they should not be bringing people back who we know have had it right away. They are working from home. They have already said the 2 of us who have been there are most important in being in the office. That they were not going to put us at risk. My old boss from dispatch has said he don’t want his guys all back in there. He said like 3 one day 3 another rotating so they are spaced out and everyone isn’t exposed to everyone. That way if someone came up positive only those 3 would have to test and stay home. They have to stay in their area and use the back door so they are not in contact with us. We can email or call back and forth if we need to.

Further more the one’s who were negative all along were going to be the first to come back a few a week. Then the rest a few a week. Some who wanted to strictly work from home could. There are a few and that would cut down on things too.

So pulling in seeing all that I wasn’t real happy. I don’t know maybe I am wrong for thinking they should be last to come back. But no one knows no real way to handle this or even to know if they had it at all. Who’s to say the one’s of us who tested negative test was wrong. But I feel if they were we wouldn’t have 2 or more that say no and none that said yes. Some who’s test showed they had it never felt sick. Other’s had colds and that was it. So in that case why do we need to wait 14 day’s from a positive test before we can test again? Why can’t we go whenever and get tested and be allowed to come back as long as it is negative?

I just don’t know I am just over all this. I want them to go back to life as normal and move on with life.

Missing Work and Looking For Help

I went to work yesterday and worked most the day. I left about an hour and half early. I was starting to hurt. Later in the day and the way I sit because of my chair and desk are puts a lot of pressure on my right side. I have to think about it and sit straight up to keep it from doing that. You know how hard that is when you are working on something and trying to be comfortable too. You aren’t thinking don’t slouch sit up straight.

Yesterday at the store I was getting stuff for dinner. I was looking for stuff I could eat, stuff to use with what we have at the house and quicker easier to make since I have been sick and he don’t get home until after 7. This way I am not standing moving so much and he isn’t making a big meal so late if he has to do it.

I picked up stuffing and gravy to go with chicken we have. Taco stuff and spaghetti to use with ground meat we have. Walking along I seen a can of backed beans. I thought I haven’t had those in awhile they look good. So I bought them and hotdogs.

Well by time I was done shopping getting it home and put away it was time to get him. We got home I told him what I got he said why not make the beans and hotdogs? It’s quick and easy and I haven’t had that in awhile. I cut up some hotdogs dumped them and the beans in the pot and heated it up. Dinner was done. Great relax, shower watch some tv and go to bed. Nice simple night. Wrong, not long after we went to bed the pain hit me and would not go away. Instead of coming and going in waves it came to stay again. I woke up drenched in sweat again and hurting horribly.

I had taken aleave for my tooth when I laid down. I did not know if I could take it and the pain pill they gave me together. The aleave wasn’t helping. I tossed and turned. Turned around laid at the foot of the bed to have more room and lay different. Nothing helped. I finally went to the couch to sit. The dog was on it and didn’t want to move off the blanket. He wasn’t happy. He finally moved enough for me to get the blanket from behind him let me have that. I reclined the other side and tried to sleep. I couldn’t find a good way to sit or lay. I had no clue what time it was at this point. I forgot my phone in the bedroom i wasn’t going to get it. I finally drifted off a few times and slept a little. Before long I heard the trash truck. That is the last thing I remember. I guess I finally fell a sleep for a bit. Next thing I knew JW was waking me up wanting to know why I was on the couch and how long I had been there. I laid back down in bed for about an hour. I was still hurting when I got up.

I dropped him off and decided to go see if I can get someone to help me get this taken out. I went to the one place and they said they were just general doctors. They couldn’t do surgery and things. That they were really short doctors because they lost a bunch over covid. They can’t even take new people. I left and went to the health place I was going to in 2018. I decided to go to the one closer to work. This way I could leave work and be there in 10 minutes. The one i go to is on the other end of the county. I was almost to it and work because of where I had to go for the other place anyway. So I got there and just didn’t feel like it was where I should go. I have heard okay things and bad things for their adult care. I like their after hours for kids. That is all I knew. I decided to go to mine where I liked the doctor’s and things.

I make the drive to find they moved. They are now further north by about 5 miles. I get there it is in a horrible area. I pull in and looking for it. I see 4 or more cops in front of a place. I look sure enough they are in front of where I need to go have someone with their stuff strung everywhere. I wasn’t looking around me and it just didn’t seem like a good place. I decided to leave and go to the one between them and my house. Where I take the kids for dental work. It is newer, nicer area and building. They have everything in one office. They have doctor, dental, kids and mental health all right there. You check in go to the waiting area and they come to get you for whatever you are there for that day. I liked that too. The over all office staff is a lot nicer as well. I don’t know the doctors I hope I like them.

I think I can get in there early before work too. I am thinking about getting set up with the mental health side as well and seeing them to get back on my meds. If I can go there before work and not have to miss.

I messaged work told them I had a bad night was up sick I was going to be late. I am going to message tell them i have to meet these people for help I’m not coming. It is to late to go at this point and I did meet with these people so it isn’t lying. I can not afford to miss. I have missed a week between them telling us to take off, now being sick and the holiday. I was going to work half day for the holiday and this past Saturday until I got sick. That made me miss Friday, Saturday and the holiday. Now today. They say I can make it all up we will see I guess. I am going to talk to them about that tomorrow and Friday. Try to work saturday. I am going to try to work all day normal day Saturday. Because I have to take time off Monday.

I went to the place they gave me all the paperwork and everything. But the soonest I can see the doctor to get the ball rolling to get this out is Monday. So a while if or when something will really be done and who knows how long that will take. Then off to get it done and time for recovery. Hope they do it friday back to work by Tuesday.

Blogging Insights # 21 Optimum Posting Times and Days

I got this from over at Therapy Bits.

1. How frequently do you post on your blog? 

Not as often as I would like between work, kids and over all life. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day sometimes weeks go by.

2.Do you believe there are optimum posting times and days?

I have noticed if things are posted by 10 a.m they seem to get more views.

3.Do you like to schedule your posts in advance ?

If I am doing daily challenges or something like that so that I don’t fall behind.

4.How many posts and how far ahead do you usually schedule? 

If I am doing a challenge I try to do a week at a time. While I am doing them if I see easy ones to answer or do ahead of time I will skip around and do them too.