Single___Parent___Life











All of Mondays fun just kept rolling, right into Tuesday. I wake up to an alert on my phone. I figure it is the one I get every morning and didn’t look. Something said to but I fell back to sleep. Then I wake up at 7 to my phone wringing. And to see the alert came to early to be the one I thought it was. It is Bff calling. I answer to see what she wants.

The guy she is seeing his boss lives across the street from my ex and they cut their yard sometimes. But I guess they aren’t friendly with them. Well they had to stop at the bosses house for something Monday evening. They told her that Father of The Year’s wife came over there and tried her poor me I need whatever you should give me money bullshit. Boss was already not in a good mood and told her where she could go. But when she was giving her “sob story”, she told them he had a stroke about a month before. He wasn’t able to work.

The boss said they have not been seeing the work truck there or them coming and going in it. He also said they had hardly seen him lately and when they do he is walking hunched over with his head down. From what they say pretty slow.

Him having this kind of health problems and could pass a way but no one has contacted my children to let them know. To see if they may want to see him before something happens. I think what is worse is him his self knows what kind of shape he is in and has not bothered to reach out. Tell them and try to change things between them all. Not that I want him back in the picture but you would think going through something like that would make you think about things. But I guess not when you are like him. Just like not telling them their grandma died. I told JW I bet if something happens to him or at whatever point it does, no one will in form my kids and let them know. I will find out from Bff when her man’s boss finds out. That is if they are still living there.

I have decided he has not told my kids I am not going to tell them either. He don’t feel it is important enough to and still don’t want anything to do with them. And he don’t care to know if they are alive and well and have what they need. Why should I tell them and have them upset and worried and they can’t even get updates on him. I do not think the older two will care to much if at all. But Mr.10 now will and will be upset, worry about him and want to go see him. It will trigger his anxiety I am sure. Why do I want to do that to him?

I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Karma you know what they say about her, she is and she has come full force. You know I said before I wish him dead for all that he did to me. Then I said no just crippled where he can’t do for himself would be better. Because she will not take care of him like he needs to be and all he can do is sit and think about all he has done And put me and these kids through. He knows if we were still together and things were good between us he would be taken care of right. He can just think about the bed he had and the one he made for himself.

That all maybe horrible to say but if you have followed me for a while or read old post you will see how bad he was and the things he did to me and my kids.



So Monday I worked my 8 hours and decided to go home. Since I still had about an hour and half until JW was off I decided to take the long way home. There are like 3 different ways I take home depending on my mood and how much time I have. Most nights I go straight up 95 because I leave about 30 minutes before he gets off. It only takes me like 20 minutes or so to get to his job.

Monday night I leave and decide to go the long way around just to waste time. It takes 45 minutes to an hour. I get a few miles from work stop at the light. It turns I go through the intersection. My truck has no power won’t change gear and is hardly rolling. I turned my flashers on and coasted until I could pull off the road. I was in the left lane couldn’t get over. I didn’t even know if I was going to get out of the road. I finally got over in the grass. My passenger side wheels were right on the yellow line. Everytime a car went by my truck would rock. I was scared they were going to hit me.

My truck was still running but sounded horrible and wouldn’t move. Then it shut off. I tried to start it all it would do was turn over. I got out checked the water, oil and transmission fluid. They were fine and I had half tank of gas. But it seemed as if it wasn’t getting gas to the motor. I killed the battery trying to get it started. I called my friend who said to check and see if the shut off for the fuel pump got tripped some how.

I hung up and tried to do that but it is behind the kick panel on the drivers side. I had to open the door on that side and then get tools and take it off. Had I done that my door would of been in the road and I would have as well. I talk to him again and decided it wasn’t that. Because I hadn’t had anyone in there since that morning to of hit it and I had not hit any bumps or anything hard enough to trip it I didn’t feel.

I was talking back and forth with JW and trying to find someone to come help me get it out of the road and check it more see if we could figure it out. I could not get a hold of anyone. So I call AAA and they say they will pick my truck up but not me. I am 25 miles away from home. I can’t get anyone to come help me who is going to come get me. I am in the street there are houses on one side and a pound on the other. It is blocks up a main road then across it and another main road. I hung up and called JW he said they would come get me but they wouldn’t be off for an hour. I figured it would take that long or longer for the tow truck. I hung up called and told them to send the truck.

I was in the truck it was dark the lights were off. I had the hood up and been there an hour. I was looking down talking on the phone and someone starts knocking on my window. I look down this guy is standing there. He started asking what was wrong and stuff. I was talking to the lady he got under the hood started looking. I tried to turn it over show him it was dead. He said is that a tow truck? Hang up cancel it I can fix it get you going. The guy with him told him hush let me finish.

I hung up he said I have the same truck same motor everything for 10 years. I have done all the work rebuilt it everything. Whatever it is I can fix it. He said your ground wire was really lose I could pull it off with my hand. I turned it over tightened it up. We will jump it you will be on your way. I was telling him no I killed it after I got stopped it wasn’t getting fuel. He was saying if it is not grounded it isn’t being charged nothing is going to work right. I said I know but you aren’t understanding. I said jump it we can’t tell anything if you can’t hear what it is doing. So they did. It turns over but don’t start. I said see it isn’t getting fuel and I have half a tank. He climbed up under the hood and started messing with something. He told me get in turn key on and off. He said your right there isn’t any pressure from the fuel pump. He said he couldn’t fix it there on the road like that. He said it is your pump and I can do it in 45 minutes for $200 and you get the part. I checked about getting the pump done in my other truck and they waned $700. He said he could do it the next day after work.

They other guy said if you want to tow it around the corner leave it in my yard you can. He said lock it up and bring the key back when we get home tomorrow. It will save you a bunch on your tow bill. We will fix it as soon as we get off.

I said look I have to go home and see if I can borrow the money because I do not have it. But I have to get it going so I don’t miss work. He said okay we will come to you. Get a hold of us tomorrow let us know.

They were still in front of my truck with cables hooked up when the tow truck got there. They moved and went to leave. I thought about being stuck once they took my truck. I ran over and stop them. I ask if they would take me up the street to the restaurant. I was going to get a drink and wait for JW to get there. It was dark and cool out and I would be off the road. They ask why. I told them because I had to wait for my ride. They said I could go with my truck.

I told him no they said because of covid they were not taking passenger. He said yeah I went over to get my things and wait for the guy to get the truck picked up.

I thought I am going to go get in this van with these two guys I just met. Sure we are only going to the end of the street a few blocks but what if they decide to go somewhere else or do something? I thought of my knife in the door of my truck. I got it and stuck it in my back pocket and covered it with my shirt and jacket. They were in a big work van with the cage and closed up no windows. I thought if I get separated from my purse it is going to do me no good or if I can’t get into it. This way I could just pull it out. Let me just say I did not really think I had anything at all to worry about or I would of never asked or thought about getting in the van with them. But you never know what may happen. I got out of the truck he came over said hunny he will take you with your truck. I said what? He said I talked to him he said they aren’t supposed to but he will. I said okay thank you. He said call him and let him know and made sure i had his number. I put my knife in my purse when no one was around. I figured in the tow truck there is more space between me and him and there was only one of him not two and he was driving too. I could get to it if I needed to. Before I figured if I road to the corner with them or 25 miles with him I didn’t know any of them so not any different really.

The one guy said I would of never stopped but I seen it was an excursion I told him stop turn around we have to go back. He was saying no, no,no. I said go back we have to stop. So he finally turned around. He said I love these trucks. I said me too it is my 2nd one. He said he got his 10 years ago for $10k and it only had 30 some thousand miles on it he is 2nd owner I think he said. 10 years ago with no more miles than that on it they gave him that truck. Just gave it away. He said if it was anything else I would of never stopped. They left and I walked back over to the tow truck. They guy was taking forever. Then he went to pull it up there and i called JW to tell him I was going to ride home with the truck. So he didn’t have to worry about coming all the way down there to pick me up.

I walk back to the front of the truck my truck is still not loaded. The guy has been here while now. He finally says he broke the wench on his truck he has to send another truck. He picks his stuff up and leaves. I am sitting back in the truck waiting and called the part store to see if they had the part and how much it was. They guy ask how my night was?

I said I am sitting on the side of the road because my fuel pump went out. I been here over an hour. The tow truck just left because he broke the truck trying to load mine. He was like damn not a good night.

All of a sudden I see red and blue lights behind me. They looked further away. Then I thought they were right behind me. Before I thought I said oh no it’s the cop’s. He said where? I said right behind me. He said you’re legal right it’s fine.

I said my birthday was Saturday and I forgot to get my tag. I gave him the info he needed got off the phone and out of the truck. The cop was walking up. I told him I was stuck I called AAA what happened when they got there that he just pulled away was sending someone else. Showed him on my phone text AAA sent me. He said call them back ask if I was okay and left. I called them back and sat on hold for what seemed like forever. The other truck came up before they ever came back to the phone. He hooked it up set it all up and we were on our way in no time. I figured out later the other guy tried to pull it up there with out putting it in gear so the wheels would roll. That is why his wench broke. I told you I can’t make this shit up. Who has luck like that?

I ask this guy if he would give me a ride and told him the other driver said he was going to tell him to. That he was going to. He said yes he would. He wasn’t supposed to but he wasn’t going to leave me stuck there on the side of the road. I had him take me to JW house. I stayed there that night. I was going to rent a car and they had none where I normally go. I checked the other place they wanted almost $90. I wouldn’t of even made 90 for the few hours I would of been at work. I had to leave early to get the truck fixed. I ended up calling in. The guys came about 5 the one took me to get the part why the other started on the truck. It took him about 2.5 hours but he got it done. He also replace the battery terminal for me too. I told him I had an oil leak asked if he seen it why he was under there? He said no got under it and looked. In just a second got up and said my motor mounts are wore out it is sitting on the oil pan. He said it is cracked. He said it would take most the day to do it. You have to lift the motor fix the pan replace the mounts put it back together. They said I would need to bring it to their dads shop so they could put it on the lift and could do it easier. I told him that was fine I had no problem doing that. He said let him know when I was ready. We would set something up.

JW said when I broke down his friend had a guy that would fix it. Said he done the breaks and something else for him. Small stuff and that he worked at one of the tow companies before. I said I don’t know about that. I don’t like just anyone messing with my truck. He may be able to do breaks but fuel pump is a lot more involved and can be dangerous if he does something wrong.

He said you are going to let this guy you don’t know do it? I said I know but talking to him watching him messing with it on the side of the road. He knows what he is talking about. What he is doing. He has the same truck done this stuff already to his. He knows what to expect what he needs and all that. I just felt it was ok and there was a reason he came by and stopped when he seen me.

I am waiting for the new year to start so I am not getting short checks. And I can get overtime. I am going to have do the mounts, and a few other things to it for me.



{December 28, 2020}   I Told My Sister

I don’t know if it was Christmas eve or a day or two before, but me and my sister were talking on the phone while shopping. We were calling back and forth having each other look for thing’s we couldn’t find and trying to see what to get each other’s kids.

I don’t know how it came up but I ended up telling her about JW. I just told her I hadn’t told the kids and things yet. I told her we (well I was) were waiting to see how things went if it was going to be something or not. Then this covid crap happen and everything. That I was going to have to tell them soon.

She didn’t seem to sure at first, I told her that January would be a year for us. How he has been there for me and helped me. He got someone to tow me off 95 when I broke down. He got me the Christmas tree last year when I was going to have to go late after work. How he helps anyway he can. How good he is with the kids and wants to do things with them and be that guy in their life. Or that father figure. How he is excited for them to know talks about all he wants to do with them. But he understands why I haven’t told them and he is okay with it.

She wasn’t saying much but I could tell she was thinking. She said but what about this or that I told her. She asked if he had kids. I told her yes they are grown. She said how old is he? I told her only 42 she said oh okay. We talked a little more she seem to think it was good. The way she talked.

Today I called her why we were out to take and drop off the kids gifts and pick up mail. She said come in about an hour they were getting ready to eat. So we stopped by. He got out was helping me get their stuff out and give her. We stood there and talked for about an hour. I told her that I was not renewing my lease and that I was not taking her mother with me. I just told her no one knew yet but I wasn’t going to be staying around here. I wasn’t taking her with me. I told her we were looking at moving up by his kids. I told her rents here are crazy and I can’t afford to live here.

She understood she has been renting the same place longer than I have mine by about 3 years. She is worried they are going to rise her rent or tell her she has to move. She is only paying $825 i think she said. She is in a two bedroom condo. The ones around her are going for $1200. When I told her I could get a decent 3 bedroom house for that in January and now they are getting that for a 2 bedroom condo. That decent 3 bedroom houses are going for $1500 to $1600. She was shocked.

Later I called to see how the kids liked their gifts. And I thought of it ask her what the kids said about JW? They didn’t come out with this covid stuff and her baby and things. We had mask on and stood away from each other. But I said to her they will be asking granny who the guy was with me. She said no she told them and told them it was a secret for now. It should be okay they kept the secret about a new baby until my sister told. I didn’t either so I know she won’t say anything either.

We got there she seen my necklace I went over showed her. She looked then when I got closer she said oh wow that’s, that’s nice where did you get that or who got you that? I told her he got it for me for my birthday. She wasn’t sure what to say. She just looked at him surprised said really? I said yeah. He just smiled. She isn’t use to me having nice things like that unless it was stuff my dad gave me or a few things I got on ebay at a good price. Father of the year never bought me nice things like that. For no longer than we have been together for him to get me something like that. The fact that he could get me something like that and just do it not think anything of it. She had ask me the other night when we were talking if he had a job. I had just told her but she didn’t hear me. I told her yes he works 6 days a week over 60 hours a week. She said oh.

After she met him and we all talked today I think she liked him. I think she wasn’t sure what to think when we were talking the other night. She was young when me and Father of the year got together. She honestly never did like him would not stay if I wasn’t there even if the kids or others were there. I don’t think she ever met RC. She knows how things ended up with that. She don’t know why but when he isn’t around for 8 years what is anyone going to think of someone, you know.

I told him the other night I told her. He said told her what? I told him about him about us. He said really? What did she say? I told him not much really. He said she is going to say something won’t she? I said no she isn’t like that. He said oh okay. He seemed glad I had told her.

I showed her pictures of the cat’s was telling her about them. She asked who’s they were his? I told her no the one was mine. She just laughed. Asked where he was? I told her at his house. That I was kind of living between the two places. He told her I had stayed with him when I wasn’t here they thought I was at Bff’s house. He said yeah 6 or 8 months. I said 2. He was joking around. She seemed to like him. That is good.



{December 28, 2020}   Seen JW Today

I went over to JW’s house like I do every Sunday so we could do what we needed to do. He was just getting dressed when I got there. He said he was about to walk up to the little store to get coffee. He finished getting dressed said he had been up for a few hours. It was 11 something when I got there. I would of went earlier but normally he likes to sleep in and is still laying down when I get there at 11. He said the cats ran all over him and woke him up. He fell a sleep on the couch.

We got his stuff together and loaded up. I told him we would toss the stuff in to wash then go get coffee. I was sitting there on the couch and went to get up. He said oh yeah I almost forgot. He picked something up off the table. It was in a black bag. He said he was sorry he didn’t get to wrap it. He was so wore out when he got home the night before I couldn’t blame him. I opened the bag and pulled out what was inside. I sat back down on the couch. I was surprised. I open the box and there was a gold necklace with little diamonds all the way around it. I was very shocked. I took it out and was trying to put it on but couldn’t get it on. He sat beside me and help me put it on.

I wrote Look What I Got back in February. A month or so after we got together. He gave me the heart necklace back then. It was similar it had one side with CZ on it and it was silver in color. You can see a picture in the post. Well I got lectured by Little Bitty about wearing it in the shower. She said I was going to ruin it and mess it up. Well I guess After 11 months of wearing it 24\7 took its toll on it. It started turning and tarnished. I tried to clean it when I was staying with him and I think it made it worse. A week or two a go I took the charm off and put it on my keychain. I didn’t want to mess it up more.

I didn’t even know he noticed, he never said anything about me not wearing it. Today he said he was trying to decide what to get and he was thinking about earrings but didn’t know what I would wear or if I would. He hasn’t seen me wear any. I don’t wear them much. I lost one of the ones the kids gave me I use to wear.

I guess his friend said something about a necklace. He told him I had the one he gave me before but I hadn’t wore it in awhile. The chain kept getting messed up he thought it broke. He said he was going to walk to the shop by work but they were closed. So his friend went to the other one. He told him what to get. He couldn’t go with him because they both couldn’t leave work at the same time. He sent him some pictures he told him what one to get. It is so nice the picture really isn’t a good one. I can’t get a good one with the lighting. I will get a better one tomorrow. But I couldn’t wait to tell you all what he got me.

I will try to post a better picture tomorrow.

After we done laundry we went to the mall. My mom and the kids gave me money for my Birthday. They wanted me to find something. For myself I wanted. I do not normally shop at the mall there aren’t many stores a lot have closed and others are over priced. But I like to shop Sears and JCPenney’s. They have good sales some times. When I was in Penney’s right before Christmas they had some really good deals. I got my mom a $75 purse for $12. It was on sale half price then marked clearance.

I found a really nice sweater for work. It freezes in there almost year round. I wear my jacket but it isn’t comfortable. It is bulky. I had been looking at some at wal mart but they were thin, they had holes coming in them and had hoods on them. They were $15 to $20. I got this one for $25 it was on sale and I used their coupon I found on their site brought to half price. It was $50 to start with it is much nicer than what I had been looking at in the other store.

Again lighting is horrible it is messed up I forgot to buy a new one today.

I had a little bit of money left I wanted to go to this store by the house to see if I could find a outfit, purse shirt or something. It is in a plaza with other stores. As we were going past one he said he wanted to run in this one store why I went to the other he would come find me when he was done. I stopped and let him get out and went on to the other store. He came and found me in a little bit. We walked down to Tractor Supply.

We were walking around in there and he said my Christmas gift was in the truck. He was looking there to see if they had them there or not. He looked around and said no.

By now I am confused because like I said yesterday he wasn’t making since about needing to order but now got them at the other store. I asked him how did he find them if he had looked all over and had to order them? If they were at that store why he didn’t just get them? He said he got different ones or something like that. Oh I said to him he said he was ordering them yesterday why would he buy them now? He said they were different and he was going to order them tomorrow he wanted to look why we were out today.

We got outside he said my gift was in the back of the truck I had to come back there so he could show me What he got. I went to look he got me gnomes. One lights up say’s welcome then one that stands alone. They are cute.

He said he found some at Lowe’s but they had to be ordered. He said one was reading a book one was hunting or had a gun like he was. He said you like guns and to read a gnomes I thought it would be perfect. But they had been to a bunch of places and couldn’t find them they were order only. He was going to order them tomorrow but he had spent more than planned on the necklace so he was hoping to find them somewhere else. Then he found those today. I do like them. He could of just gave me the necklace for my birthday and Christmas he didn’t have to do that. The necklace is very nice and I know cost a little bit. I sure was not thinking that he was looking for gnomes. I can’t believe he remembered something like that and would think to get something like that.

After he gave me the necklace we were talking and I told him he didn’t have to do that or spend that much or something like that. He said you don’t know me very well. I wanted to do it and was able to. I love you.



{December 26, 2020}   He Got Me Something

About 12:30 he sent me a massage all excited telling me he got me something. I had fallen a sleep so I got it about an hour later. I said ok and that I told him not to worry about it. He never said anything until a few minutes ago when I asked him something. He hasn’t said anymore about it.

I didn’t get up to rush up there to get it I probably won’t get it until tomorrow when we go shopping. I don’t feel like getting ready and going out just for that. He is at work anyway so I won’t get to see him long anyway. I could go after he gets off but that won’t be until 8 tonight. I am truly in no rush to go get it. I am surprised he hasn’t said anything about coming to get it or so he can give it to me. If he does I am going to tell him I will get it tomorrow.

He was in no hurry to get it why should I be. I am not in a good mood today not because of this. I am in a shitty mood because of how things are with the bitch. I wish I was working today and not here. Can’t wait until Monday. I don’t have to be here and around her. Oh and he hasn’t said anymore about having to order “them” whatever “them” are. Who knows what he is doing or has done. All I really wanted no one wants or will get so.



This pretty much sums it up what JW done when it came to Christmas shopping. Well not for everyone just me I should say. This what has been bothering me for a bit now. At the same time feel it shouldn’t bother me and I am wrong because it does.

I started shopping weeks ago for Christmas. Like right after Thanksgiving. I picked up a lot of Little Bites stuff why we were grocery shopping. I have looked here and there for stuff each week. One weekend we went all over looking for stuff. Pawn shops, malls and other random stores. So he got to places and was able to shop. He picked up his gift for his family’s get together. He picked up a gift for the guy at works kid, his self and something for the dog.

What did I get for Christmas and/or my Birthday? Nothing at all. I was told he couldn’t shop because I am always with him when he gets to go. I told him many times if you want to shop go shop. I am not going to follow you call me or find me when you are done. I even go wait in the truck most likely because I only needed a few things or to check for something quick. He never did. He could of ask the guy at work to take him but didn’t. He said the guy at work was looking when he want shopping and went a few places. He told me at one point I could probably get them here but I don’t know where to find them. I said I am sure if you ask someone they can get it or tell you were in the store to find it. He says yeah true but i didn’t bring money with me. He keeps saying he has to order it but it was to late to get it before Christmas but he didn’t order it so it would be here by today or early next week. He is waiting to order it. But then if he can get it at the store why didn’t they just do that? I don’t know what is going on with it. He keeps saying he can’t find “them” I thought I may know what he was talking about even made a comment about seeing some at X store that night. I was going to buy them for my gift from the kids. But I had already spent more than I should of so I didn’t. I just said I had seen them and that was what I was going to do. But didn’t because I already spent money. He could of went got it or called his friend he has looking run and pick it up. The store is at the end of his block.

Then Christmas Eve he say’s yeah I am going to have to get you something Saturday and order your other things. Before it was he was getting these things whatever they are. Now it is he has to get some stuff at the store and order these things. If he was going to get stuff at the store why didn’t he just get it before? Why wait until after Christmas? I told him not to worry about it. He was like no I have to get you something.

My feelings on all of it was I was a little upset or disappointed.

I run my ass off to make Christmas nice for the kids and I want to don’t get me wrong. Normally they ask for money and to go shopping and get me something. This year being how it is I did all the shopping. I even bought their gifts to trade between each other for them. I picked up a couple books for myself because the little ones get upset if mom don’t have a gift. So i bought them wrapped them and put them under the tree. That is what I got. I am okay with that.

I was upset or bothered by what JW done because, I had all that to do and done it and still took the time to find him something nice. Track it down take time from work to go get it and everything. Get him something I know he could use and needed. He does nothing. It is Christmas and my Birthday and he does nothing. Oh I couldn’t find it i have to go to the store blah blah. It feels like an after thought or something I don’t know how to explain it. I know he is going to say he has to go get me something or order it again. I just want to tell him forget it everything is over with. I am sure he say he still wants to get me something i just want to tell him it isn’t the same now. I feel like I am wrong for feeling that way and that I shouldn’t say anything at all about it. At the same time I feel like I should. I feel like if he really tried and wanted to he could of had something in time. I know he had the money that wasn’t an issue.

I think he does care and he does love me. I do him and it isn’t about getting something back. But you know some times it is nice to be included in the holidays and feel like someone wanted to make you feel you were.

I keep thinking about when I was with father of the year how I would go out of my way to find him nice stuff and things he would like. He wouldn’t get me anything or if he did it be some little something he grabbed for a couple dollars so he could say he got something. No thought or effort put into it at all. How his family was the same way we would shop had to get his family nice stuff even if I didn’t buy for mine or have the money to do it. They would spend $100’s on him and hand me a candle from the $1 place or something.

I don’t know what to think or how to feel about what JW done. But I am hurt. I don’t know if it is just a guy thing they don’t see it as a big deal when they get it they run out of time or what. But then I know of a lot of guys that would of had something no matter what. Just like I made sure I had something for him. I just tell myself this is just how it is or going to be. At least I am happy and he is better about other things. I feel like just don’t expect anything at the holidays and why should it bother me that much it is no different than any other time. I feel like now I know how it is going to be I know not to go out of my way to get him stuff either then because it don’t matter. I feel like I am wrong for feeling that way.

I am stuck between feeling like I am living the past all over and this isn’t the same. This one is completely different than father of the year. Just not good with gifts or what. I am use to it so why does it bother me so much now? I guess I just want to feel he cares and not just be like its okay because I am use to it. It makes me question everything then. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like I need that extra from him to make me feel that everything is okay. I hate feeling that way because I never did before. Like I said in my post I Don’t Like The Person They Have Turned Me Into I think it all comes down to that. I feel wrong for expecting more from him because of what someone else has done. Why should I it is my issues so just live with it it is what it is. Things are good enough. But I don’t want to feel things are just good enough. So how do I fix it without expecting more out of him? Why is it wrong for me to want him to go that extra for me if that is what I need and he cares? But how far extra should he have to go because of me and my issues?

I hate being so confused about how I feel and why. Or about what I want/need and what I feel about him and if I should or shouldn’t expect it from him?



{December 26, 2020}   Don’t Care Either Way

Something has been bothering me the last few days or more. I feel like it shouldn’t and that I am wrong for being bothered by it. I feel like I am wrong if anything bothers me that someone does. I know it is because of everything I have been through. I always bounce between what should or shouldn’t bother me. Not wanting to over react about things I shouldn’t but then I seem to just keep quiet about everything and just let it eat at me. It is so hard to find the balance between the two.

I also have noticed I don’t care a lot of times either. Someone can ask if I want A or B and I don’t really care just give me one. I am that way with most everything it don’t matter to me as long as it does what I need or want it to do.

I have been so use to everything just being however not having things how I want or what I want. No matter how hard I try just living with good enough. That if I am asked it is like just give me whatever is left or go where everyone else wants to go. Because it is only for here now a short time I can deal with whatever it is for that long. I am use to it.

I feel like if I say what I want, where I want to go or what I want to do it isn’t going to matter anyway. Or I’m not going to get it anyway so why even say it and hear all the why we can’t do something.

Thinking about it the other day the only thing I have really had an opinion on lately and stuck to is moving. When we have been looking for places there are ares around us I would not consider. But then if it is in a area that is decent I am not to worried about the house as long as it has no issues. He will look and be like for that kind of money the house should be in a lot better shape than that. I don’t disagree but it don’t matter it will do the job. I will get out of my house that is falling down around me, away from this bitch, me the kids can live our lives how we want again. He can live with us we can have live our lives. It might night be great but it will work. I would like nicer too but don’t feel I will get it because I never do so just find what I figure I can get into.

It isn’t just with him I am this way I am the same way at work too. The others ask where are we going to eat or do today? I’m just like it don’t matter tell me and I will drive us there.

At home they have been asking what I want for my bday and Christmas. I don’t know I can’t think of anything at all. Because I know it don’t matter unless I say the right thing I won’t get the money to go get it. That is a little different situation but at the same time I don’t really care or feel like going and messing with it.

This post was supposed to be about something else but I think I will put that in a different post. This one kind of took a turn.



{December 25, 2020}   Merry Christmas

I hope you and your family had a nice Christmas this year.

We just did our gifts about an hour ago. The kids are happy with their gifts and are in there playing. Wasn’t what I wanted but I am glad they are happy. JW was supposed to stay the night and have Christmas with us before going to his family’s. But she started her shit again I don’t want him deal with it.

I went over to his house last night to finish wrapping the kids things. We got something to eat before we got started. I hung out with him for a while. We got something to eat before we started wrapping. Then we jumped in and got it done. We finished around 11.

With it being so late I knew he was going to his family’s early afternoon wouldn’t get back until this evening. I wasn’t sure if or when we would get to see each other. So I went ahead and gave him his gifts to open.

He was surprised I got him a new backpack. He really liked the one I picked out. I showed him the other and he said he liked that one. He liked it has a lot of pockets to keep things in. The night before I went to the store and I found a Christmas ornament with his dog on it. I picked it up. When I got home that night after shopping I found some robes I bought awhile ago and had put up. I took one of them out for him.

They are new with tags, I got them when they were on sale and put up for gifts later. I forgot about them. I figured he may like one. He liked all of his gifts. I think he was shocked really. He kept saying he couldn’t believe I got him a new backpack. He said something about it and I said I know have you looked at the price of them lately? You can’t find anything nice or decent for less than like $200.

He got this look and said what and you better of not of paid $200 for that for me. I didn’t tell him how much it was. He just keep saying you better of not spent $200 on that. I just said I found one I liked at a price I was okay with. He said it again a few more times as I was getting ready and leaving. I just laughed at him and went home.

I am glad I gave him his stuff late-night we didn’t get to see each other today. Things didn’t go as planned here. He didn’t get home until much later than normal.

I have been so tired today. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think it being so cold out has a big part of why. I am always sleepy when it is cold or raining. It was in the mid 40’s last night. It is going to be in the 30’s tonight. Mid 50’s for high today and tomorrow. I could just sleep until Monday not care.



{December 24, 2020}   40 In TWO Day’s

I can not believe I am going to be 40 in a few days. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t really feel any kind of way about it. I just try to figure out where those 40 years went. Hell mostly where the last 20 went and the things I let go on for far to long. Now life is half over or more.



I don’t know if I told you all my meds had stopped working about 2 months after I started taking with. They gave me a 3 month supply that was would run out the Middle of December. When she gave them to me she had my come back in 30 days to see how they were working and things. I felt it was to soon but what do I know.

At the time they were working great so we left them alone. But then 2 or 3 weeks later I could tell they were not working. It took about that long before I finally got a hold of them and told them.

I could tell they stopped working because I was a mess again. I just wanted to sleep all day, on edge all the time and I started not sleeping again. That just made me stressed out about everything. I was crying over everything because I was so stressed about everything.

When I talked to her she said they could uo it since it had been working so good. So she doubled it and called in a new script. I started taking two of the ones I had left to finish them off and until I took the time to get the script.

Some how I missed it during the day a few times and would think of it at night. I went ahead and took it because I did not want to miss it. I had read on the papers before I could take them 8 hours apart. I guess some people take two a day instead of one. It said they had to be that far apart. It would be about 12 hours or more by the time I should take it at my normal time so I took it.

I should say I had not noticed much of a difference taking the double other than I was sleeping again. I have calmed down some but I still do not feel the way I did when I took them before or when I got back on them this time. I am not sure if it is just me and the stress I am dealing with or the meds. I think a little of both because I dealt with this stress better before. But I don’t want them to think I am just wanting them to up them or just trying to get pills. I know that isn’t true and these probably wouldn’t do anything for you. But it is just how I feel. Oh and I am in that area where I just don’t want to deal with things. I just don’t care whatever is how I feel about most things.

I took my pill that first night and in a little bit I was tired. Couldn’t hold my eyes open tired. Drop my phone behind the bed 3 times tired. I slept pretty good but then I woke up at like 3 or 4 a.m. I could not get back to sleep. I didn’t think about it being the pill causing it.

But I missed it in the morning a few times and took it at night. When I did I would sleep in no time. So I just started taking it at night so I would fall a sleep earlier at night. I also realized that it is why I am feeling so extremely tired at work for hours and sometimes messing stuff up. I feel like I can’t hold my eyes open and at times have all but fell a sleep sitting at my desk. Even though the bottle says take in the morning I changed it to nights because of that. But now if I get woke up I can not go back to sleep right away it could be hours. If it is past 5 I don’t fall back to sleep at all. I don’t get up till 7. I go to his house. I am there before 730. Once in awhile I will fall back to sleep there for a little bit before I have to get up. Then I don’t want to get up. I just want to sleep. But once I do I am fine the rest of the day.

The dreams are back too I sleep but dream most the night a lot of nights. I can’t tell you anything about them. I don’t dream unless I am stressed. But most nights I still feel pretty rested when I wake up. Where as before I didn’t. But it bothers me that I do it and know it and it bothers me I can’t remember them.

I have awake since before 5 and it is 730 almost and I still have a hour before I leave for work. I am at his house now. Laid back down wanting to sleep a little longer but no such luck.

This is all very odd to me because I’m not a morning person at all. I don’t do stuff in the morning I don’t get up early and take a hour or two to get ready. I wake up get dressed and leave. Of course go to the bathroom all that stuff. But then I go. I get up so I have just enough time to do what I need to do and go. This being awake for hours sucks.



et cetera
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