Single___Parent___Life











{December 8, 2020}   Someone Flipped The Switch

As I said my meds are not working and I have been a mess. One extreme to the next. Mostly very emotional and depressed. And of course anyone who deals with mental illness knows we take things personal we shouldn’t, we look to far into things and question everything. The one’s of us who have been through abusive relationships are even worse when it comes to this. It is hard enough dealing with the whispers of the what if’s, did you hear what he said and many more from the back of our minds. We ignore them, tell them it isn’t true, and all the good we see in the other person. The good they have brought into our lives and how happy we are. But they are always looking for something to cause us to over think and worry about. When we are already in an emotional depressive state we spiral on every thought.

That is how I was with JW for since I got this way. Everything he he did I was looking at it under a microscope and digging through it with a fine tooth comb because he don’t really want this. He don’t want me look at the mess I am. Look at all the baggage I come with, mental the depression, the abuse I have been through and trying to work through. My situation at home oh and 4 kids why would he want us? He can be free to do whatever whenever and he could find someone who could as well?

Even though I am thinking this and holding on to his ever word and action to prove it something wasn’t right. Something was wrong as I replayed it all over and over. It hit me, even though I was thinking it and my mind was trying to convince me and trying to prove it. I didn’t feel it, I did not feel that way at all. When I really stopped and took everything in I felt a calm peaceful everything was okay.

But when I thought about telling the kids, the future and our lives I felt sick. I felt my anxiety on high, and just couldn’t do anything. The other night I was sitting here messaging with sleeping Beauty about it.

He said he didn’t think I was ready to tell the kids or move in together. That I needed to really do some hard thinking about things before I made any big decisions.

We talked a little more and I was thinking about what he was saying. It was like he flipped that switch the light came on. It wasn’t him I was worried about it is me. I am worried about doing something to mess things up and he is going to leave. Not because he don’t really want this or us. But because I pushed him away. I put my wall up and keep him at arms length. Or I do look at everything he does under that microscope when he really isn’t doing anything. He gets tired of it. I couldn’t blame him.

So the last few day’s I have been trying to back-up give him some space and myself some. To just kind of deal with this and work through it. It isn’t going to happen overnight. But now I know what’s wrong I can move forward with things and seeing everything is okay hopefully will help to work through it.



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