I guess around July/September of last year JW decided he would go get a vesectomy. So after we came back from our trip in September he made an appointment. They seen him in October for a check up then told him they would call him with a date.

They finally called in November and set him up for January 20th. So we played the waiting game.

Why he was waiting he was supposed to get information from his mom. Because when he was about 3 or 4 something was wrong with one of his testicles and they had to remove it. Luckily all the test came back fine but I guess there was no way of knowing without taking it. Not sure of the reasoning behind it all.

But when he went for his check up they told him they were not sure if they took the testicle and the tube out or just the testicle. They couldn’t find the tube if they left it. They told him if they were not able to see it when they went in there or find it there was a chance the vasectomy wouldn’t work because that tube wouldn’t get done. For some reason I guess it could get down under other things they may not see it think it was gone.

Again I am not sure I wasn’t there and you know how guys are with relaying information. I kept asking him if he had asked his mom about it he kept saying now.

When she was hear I asked him when we were all in the van going somewhere if he had talked to her about it. He said no. She was asking what he said nothing.

She went home and he still hadn’t asked her. I said something one more time about it and left it alone. The night before he was to go I messaged her and asked her if he had asked her anything about his operation from when he was a kid?

She said no, why? Is something wrong? Is he okay? I told her he was fine thing wrong. But that he was going to get this done the next day and what they were saying. That he has had since October to ask her. She said she wasn’t sure it had been so long ago she didn’t remember them saying. But that they did say they didn’t know if he would have kids or not. By that I figured they had probably taken everything out.

We talked a little more she was happy he was going to do it. She said she been trying to get him to do it for 20 years. She said of he knew we were talking about this he would have a fit. I said I know but he needs to know won’t ask. She told me to let her know when he was done and that everything went ok. I said I would.

The next day I went with him and waited while he had it done. He was back there for a long time. I was starting to get a little worried. He finally came out after 2 hours or more. He said it only took a couple minutes to do it. The rest of the time he was waiting to have it done.

They only do them Friday and then they scheduled as many as they can back to back. They go from one to the other they are all there in their room or waiting area prepared they come in and do it. Then you are pretty much free to go in just a few minutes.

He came out he said they told him the other tube had been removed so there shouldn’t be any issues. He said they cut, burnt and clipped the one that was there. In two months he has to take a sample to the hospital and drop it off to be tested. As long as that comes back okay we will have the all clear.

It will be so nice not having to stress about accidentally getting pregnant again. I am so glad he agreed to go get it taken care of. I have been through so much this last pregnancy and have seen so many horrible stories of issues after wards. My sister was very messed up when they tied her tubes. I wasn’t going to do it. To much of a risk of them “nicking” other things why they are doing it. I figured I am 42 now I should be going through menopause soon I hope. With in the next 2 to 3 years. I know it’s later most the time but most I know did by 45/ 46. I don’t know.

His recovery was good he went to work Sunday and worked a full shift. He said he was a little sore but not to bad. He had a few times he just laid around for the day when he was off or got home but not much.i think it took about 2.5 weeks before he wasn’t having some kind of pain. But he didn’t use ice or anything and didn’t rest as much as he should of. It’s been over a month and he is fine.

Now to get the other part done in March and wait for results.

Since I was left with nothing to do that 2 hours he was back there I went online and found some things and posted them on his Facebook page for him.

There isn’t good service there so it took awhile to go through. We stopped at the store and headed home for him to rest. We were about halfway home and I guess he got good service again and his phone started going off. I had forgotten all about it.

In a minute he goes really? You really think you’re funny don’t you? Think you got jokes. I looked at him so confused was like what? I also did not know he had checked his phone so I really was confused. He goes the stuff you put up on my page. I busted out laughing.

He was like that isn’t funny. I said you left me alone all that time with nothing else to do. He said next time you are going back with me if I have to go to the doctor. I said you forgot they don’t let anyone go back with you and laughed. He said then I’m taking your phone with me and then he laughed. He wasn’t really mad just joking around. Little does be know what I found for when he gets the all clear in a few months haha.

We didn’t do anything for New Year’s this year. Infact we were in bed by 9/9:30 that night. He had to be at work by 5am New Year’s day. I had to be up to take him.

I seen the house down from us looked as if they were getting ready for a party and their were fireworks going off everywhere. They had been for days. Later I went out and they were having a block party. I knew nothing about it but I didn’t care they were not bothering me. If they did they only do it a few times a year so not a big deal.

His mom was still here then too. She didn’t go anywhere or do anything either.

Part of my Christmas gift from work was a bottle of peanut butter whiskey. I decided to have some. I tried some in my tea it wasn’t very good. I did a few shots it was good. I had some coffee made there so I decided to have some in my iced coffee. Oh my that was good. A few shots or so and some cream.

After finished mixing my drink I walked back outside for something and the lady across the street from me and the one down the street from me were sitting out on the side yard talking. I walked over was talking to them.

The lady who lives at the house said something about the party and the people right across not coming. She said they told you all right? I said no one told us anything. she looked so embarrassed. She said I am so sorry, they told me they were telling you all then said they had. Then when it was time they didn’t come out and messaged and said they weren’t coming out they were going to bed or something. They seen us take some cake and birthday balloons in so they thought we were celebrating a birthday that was why we hadn’t come out.

The cake and stuff was mine. Since mine is the day after Christmas we hadn’t done anything. My sister and us met at the park that day to let the kids play and when we pulled up they had cake and balloons with gifts and surprised me. We were bringing those in. But it really wasn’t a big deal I told her that. I said I seen you all setting up but I didn’t know it was for a block party I thought you had people coming over. I didn’t think anything of it.

I didn’t we all do things like anyone else that we don’t invite the block to. When we came out it was a block party I figured one of a few things happened. They just spur of the moment decided to do it figured everyone who wanted to would come out when they seen and got ready, they told the kids and they forgot to tell us, or we weren’t home when they were doing planning they were going to tell us. it wasn’t a big deal she was all worried about it. Was worried that is why we weren’t staying.

I told her no we had to be up by 4am and we had been up most the night with the baby the night before. We were getting ready to go to bed.

The one lady from down the street I like she said what’s in your coffee or is it just coffee? I told her it had peanut butter whiskey in it. She was like oh I never thought of that it’s one of my favorites, I have a bottle at home. She said now I have to try it.

We talked a few minutes and went in to bed. Over all it was a good New Years Eve. Much better than last years. I was to sick to do anything he had wanted to have a party when we first moved in. I told him at that point I was fine if he had a party as long as he didn’t get mad that I spent the night at my old house. He said no that I was to sick he wasn’t going to have a party and didn’t want me staying over there alone and sick. I honestly didn’t care. But that was an uneventful new Year’s Eve too.

Then of course New Year’s day we didn’t really do anything either. He went to work we did a little shopping for the house that was about it.

I made salmon and he made shrimp for dinner his mom was wanting shrimp and fish before she left. She was very surprised how good it came out. She said it was best she had. That’s says a lot because she always has something to say about most places or people’s cooking.

I just hope this year is a good year for us all. I am truly just in the last couple of months starting to feel like my old self and completely over being so sick when I was pregnant.

After we came back from our trip in September we had to completely park the truck. The leak is worse and no one will touch it because the parts have to me made or it has to be done some way it will work but not the right way. No shop wants the liability of making parts or rigging something up to make it work. There for I have to find someone who knows what they are doing and will do it at a reasonable price. I think the guy at work is going to. It’s a matter of having the money and him the time. He is on the road all the time.

It going down left me with nothing everyone would fit in to go somewhere. If we all went I had to make trips or the two kids would be sitting cramped in the floor. We only did this to go very short distance on back roads. I dealt with this for a month and my breaks being bad. I put $600 into breaks and still had an issue. I couldn’t put more into it. I went out shopping for something else and could not find anything at all. I stopped where I bought the car the year before and talk to the guy.

He didn’t have anything close to being big enough for all of us. I asked him if he would be getting anything in that he knew of. He said not that he knew off. Then he said wait I do have a mini van that will be here in a week they are doing some work to it. We just got it but if you are interested I will put a rush on it.

I told him how much I could put down and that I did not want to go through a bank right now. He said okay. He would work with me since it wasn’t that much.

They ended up putting more parts on it he finally called me November 1st to come see it and take it home if I wanted it. I had to take money from my 401k for a down payment. It had not come yet. I went to the owner and explained to him what happened and that I was approved for the loan but it takes so long to get to me. I told him I have this van I can get tomorrow but I need the down payment. He said that was fine and told the accounting department to give it to me.

The next day I think is when I went to look at it. It is a Nissan Quest, it’s a 2007. It looks great inside and out. I told him I would take it. I am not thrilled about it but it does what I need it to. Like I told him as soon as we get everything paid down my credit goes back up I want to buy something newer. If not a 2023 nothing more than 3 to 5 years old. Then we will have the van as a third vehicle and everyone can fit in it. He can use it as his daily driver.

I told him I would take it and we went to do all the paperwork. Why we were doing it we were talking about the other car I was driving now. He asked me what I was going to do with it. I told him I was debating fixing it and then selling it in hopes I would get more for it. Or just trying to sell it as is. He ask how much I wanted as it sat? I told him I honestly didn’t know because I didn’t know what they were going for in decent shape or anything. I told him make me an offer if he was interested.

He told me like $800. I said no I felt I could get more for it. He then said I think$1000. I think I told him$1200 for it. He said that’s it you will take $1200 the way it sits. I said yes then I don’t have to deal with getting it fixed but I also don’t have to deal with meeting people to sell it. Half the time they don’t show.

He wrote the paperwork up for that and the van. He just took the money he gave me for it off the van. He said I also got a tax credit back for the tax on the money of the car. So by the time he added that to the $1200 he gave me I ended up getting$1490 for my car. I bought it the year before in October from him for $3000. So I basically sold it back to him for half of what I bought it from him for. I feel like that was fair. As it did need repairs now and I would pay more than $1500 in car payment and insurance and gas in the truck had I not bought it.

I bought it the year before because it was costing me at that time $130 a week in gas. Mostly just to get to work. I couldn’t see paying that a week for gas. I knew the truck needed work I wouldn’t have to rent a car why it was in the shop. That would save me hundreds right there. Then I would also always have a 2nd car if something happened to one I could drive it til they other was fixed. Not have to miss work because of no ride.

The truck is going to be the work truck. He wants to do a food trailer it will tow it. I would like to get a boat, it can tow it. Anything I want to put behind it and get somewhere with it will get it there with no issues. We want to all go to the beach or fishing even down to the river we can take it not have the mess in the new truck or the van. It has more room for all the fishing stuff or beach stuff and everyone. Because it shouldn’t be that big of a deal but when you have 7 people and half are kids it can get messy fast and you need room for everything. The truck is perfect for that.

I was going to fix it and sell it when demand went back up. But then we were talking why sell it then have to buy something to haul a trailer or boat and not know what problems it may have? The truck I have had for a while once I get the part made and put in it has no issues and should be 100% ready to do anything again.

{February 26, 2023}   Homestretch of Updates

We have made it to the Homestretch on the updates. I surely didn’t think I would get to this year so fast and was kind of worried. I was trying to figure out how to balance it out with now and updates and now I don’t have too.

I have January and February to get done and they should be done by Monday. Then I can pick up with here and now and roll right along. I may throw in an over all update about the immediate family in my house of I just skimmed over them in the other post. I also want to intrude everyone so if anyone is new and the old can put some real names with faces not just nick names.I will probably still use Nick names for some others.

I have a few things I want to touch base on that are very real and sometimes serious matters. As you all know I am open honest and share the not so desirable topics to talk about or the taboo everyone wants to sweep under the rug and not talk about. I know how it is for me dealing with them and going through them with little to no help or people who understand. I hope by sharing it helps someone else to feel they are not alone and can even reach out and talk if they would like.

There has been a few things on my mind that I want to write about but just haven’t felt I had the time that is needed to put into them. I don’t know I have the right words to adequately describe how things are or feel.

I am also doing most these post from my phone right now and need to get my computer out and a place to set it up so I can really type and and not just peck and hunt. It just takes so long. And there are so many times I have to go back and fix things. It’s much faster to do it on the computer.

I will have moved our whole house around and finally have a place for a desk to set the computer up. I just have to find a desk to fit the spot I have. I am looking for a decent roll top desk. I had one before but had to get rid of it when I was getting divorced. I don’t know why but I really liked it would like to have another. Funny thing was when I said something about wanting one having one before JW said I had one in Seattle I really liked too. So we would like to find one. The ones we are finding right now are priced way to high. People are wanting$200 to $300 for used ones. They are not worth that used unless you have an antique or something and most are not. I may just get something else if I don’t find one soon.

JW finally quit his new job he got after leaving the seafood place and got another one. The other was a joke, they cut his hours and weren’t paying him that much at all. They cut his hours on the days he could work then wanted him to work the days they agreed would be his days off when he went there. Then they would be like oh we need help on this day and it will give you extra hours. He was like well we do need the extra hours. I said no we don’t need the extra hours, we need them to give you the hours you are supposed to be getting on the days you are supposed to get them. Then if they needed you to come in once in a while to help and you were available that would be extra hours. I said but when they cut your hours just to try to force you to come in on your days off is not giving you extra hours. In order to get extra hours you have to of been given the hours you are supposed to have first. We are not playing that game. They do this and they are hoping you all will go oh yeah extra hours and jump on it. Thinking oh they are trying to give me extra hours. They aren’t.

He went to the little store over by where he use to live and talked to the manager there. The manager knew of him from us always going in there. He told him he would like to have him there working and could work with his days and hours. He said he could count on at least 30 hours a week probably more. He said he could give him $1 more an hour. But he could not start him until he quit at the other store because of them being competitor’s. He told him to come in the next day and apply and get his paperwork done. Let them know what his last day at the other store would be and he would put him on the next schedule after that. So that is what he did and went over there a week or so before Christmas. He fixed it so he worked a couple days that week so he would get a check his first payday there. Then after that he had 40 hours a week for a while. He gave him Christmas off as well. He told him he already had plans that we had flown his mom in and this was the first time she was here for the holidays in years. He said that was not a problem he had enough people who wanted to work. He did tell him if he would like to do an over night shift or late evening shift he could to let him know. Because they get time and a half for the holidays and an extra $1 an hour late in the evening and over night. He also started him at $2 more and hour than what he was making at the other store because of the experience he had.

So one night I went to pick him up and his mom went with me, we were sitting in the van talking. We were talking about how he just lets everything go and don’t do anything about anything unless he wants something different. But over all he just don’t worry about anything or take care of anything. He ignores it and whatever happens happens. She said I know he did it with something else and how she had to make him get a job when she went and got him and he moved back down here. She said did he ever get his divorce finalized? I said yeah, he said he did, he better have! Because as I am saying this I am thinking wait did he? Is he divorced? I said why? She said he was having some issue with it before I didn’t know if he did or not. He had to do this or that. Why she is saying this I am thinking even more and it is clicking that he isn’t divorced. I didn’t say anything.

But I thought about it his child support case said to establish child a child support order not to enforce one. If they were divorced there would of been one they would be enforcing it not establishing one. I thought about his ex and the guy she left him for, how they had been together for years. From the time they split or before up until a year or two ago. But they never got married. The way she is and if you are going to be with someone that long I would think they would of gotten married. I thought they said they had been engaged at some point so why didn’t they ever get married? Probably because she couldn’t. I came home and started looking for a divorce in the county where they lived and she still lives. I looked back for years and could not find one anywhere. All I could find was some one sued her or something.

That night when we went to our room and could talk away from everyone, I asked him about it, he said yes he got one. I asked if he had the paperwork? He said no, I said did you have a court date? Again he said no. I said then how do you know you are? He said she called and told me she was going to file it and take care of it all. I said did she send you any paperwork to sign for it. Again no. I said ok you are not divorced. He said yeah we are. I said no you are not. If you were then why did you not get any paperwork to sign, a court date or a final judgment? I don’t know maybe she listed it in the news paper. I said no she didn’t. I said I can tell you are not, because they established an order for support not enforce one, there is no court case for a divorce for you two anywhere in the county where you all lived or she lived and there isn’t one here because she can’t file here. He said he didn’t know or what he thought they were. I was not happy at all. I would of never gotten with him if I had known he wasn’t divorced. I would of told him no if he wanted to get together he better get it filed and finalized come talk to me when it was.

I was mad he could tell, he said what now your mad about that. I said yes I am, I wouldn’t of ever done this had I known. He didn’t say anything for a bit. I rolled over the other way and didn’t say anything. He said I can’t believe you are that upset about it, we haven’t been together forever we may as well be. Haven’t you ever dated someone that was separated before? I said no I have not and would not. I said the closes I have they had already filed for a divorce and was waiting on the court date. Oh he says. Then he says you are really that worried about it? What are you scared I am going to run back to her? I don’t want her we haven’t been together for almost 20 years. I said oh no I am not worried you are going to go back to her at all. Because if that is what you want and want to do I want you to go and she can have you. Because if that is what you want I don’t want you or to be with you. I don’t want to be with no one that don’t want to be with me or wants to be with someone else. You don’t have to be that way about it. I said what way? You are the one that said it, I am just telling you no if you want her or anyone else for that matter you can go. I love you but not enough to put up with that. He says then it isn’t a big deal or make a difference.

I said oh but yes it makes a huge difference and is a very big deal. I said you know if you got sick and couldn’t make desions for your self no one else can either. She would have to be called and she would have to make them. I said they may say if they do x, y, and z for you, you would be fine in a few days or a week. I said she could say nope I don’t want you to do that let him go. I said your other kids, your mother, me or anyone else would have no say in it. I said if something happened and you died, no one could do anything with you. She would have all say in what was done with you, If she wanted to take your bod and toss it on the side of the road or throw it in a field (Sarcastic we all know she can’t but the point) she could and again no one that should be deciding would have a say in it. Anything you have she would get.

I said you want to start a food truck or trailer, if you do something happen to you she would get it. Your kids, mom or anyone else. I said they could go to court fight it because you haven’t been together for so long. But that isn’t right to your kid or mother. I said or if we have anything together to me. I said your older children should have the way and they should get your things. He said something about she probably wouldn’t want anything or do anything. I said do you really believe that? I said look at how she done you already, you didn’t think she would do that either but here we are. I said and the worst in people come out when someone dies. I said I am not even worried about the baby. I said its the fact of the matter that she don’t need to have that kind of control over everything or the major things that have to do with you. I said and how would you feel if I told you all this time i was divorced and then 3 years later it comes out I’m not? You wouldn’t like it. No but it wouldn’t be a big deal. I said yeah it would.

I said that van out there isn’t mine and yours. He said what do you mean? I said it is mine, yours and hers. If something happen to you I would have to get her permission to do anything with it. I would have to give her part of the money from it if I sold it. No its your van. I said no it isn’t. It’s all of our van.

We talked some more and I just told him if he didn’t want to take care of it I wasn’t being with him. I just told him he had until the end of January to have everything printed filled out and filed. If he didn’t I was done.

He wanted his mom to come down for Christmas but didn’t think she would and wasn’t sure we would be able to get her a ticket. But he asked her if we did if she would come? At first she wasn’t sure. She was worried about the kids up there, how they would get to/from school and who would be home with them. She had to think about it.

To start with he ask his brother if him and his family wanted to come they all could of drove down together. They all live together. none of them would of had to get a room. his brother and family could of stayed in oldest room. She had a queen bed and we had twin mattresses we could of put in there for the kids. His mom could of stayed in Little Bitty’s room. The two girls could of slept in middle sons room. He had a full size bed and a twin bed. girls could of shared the full he could sleep in the twin. So that was all taken care of. It would of cost them their gas to get here and home. But his brother didn’t want to do that and said no.

We ended up being able to get his mom a ticket to come down and he told his brother he would have to work out the kids why she was gone. He said okay. Then he told him he bought the ticket for right at a month. He just said okay.

She got her the 9th of December and went home the 3rd of January. It was a nice time for the most part. It was the first time she had been home for Christmas in 8 years. Since she left here and went up there.

Here sister got sick and was in and out of the hospital and had been put back in just a few days before she got here. The day after she got here I took her up to see here.

Here sister was so excited to see her then went right to telling her how she was going home the next day she needed someone to take care of her. Just basically telling her she was going to spend her time here taking care of her. Normally when she comes in the summertime she stays with her. But we paid for her to come and brought her down to spend time with JW and the baby. Not over there taking care of her the whole time and it was to give her a break from taking care of everyone. All she does at home. I didn’t say anything I just let them talk and stayed out of it. Figured I would wait to see what happened before I did. We got home and she called her sisters daughter and talked to her. She told her she had everything worked out already not to worry about it. I figured she should have she is the one here and would of had to anyway and didn’t know she was coming in until a day or so before.

Later after Christmas and everything she said something about her sister being mad at her and that she had hardly had anything to say to her since she left the hospital that day. Said she didn’t even talk to her when we were all there for Christmas right at her house. She ended up back in the hospital again when she was getting ready to leave. She went over and seen her the day she was leaving. After she had been home a few days she started talking to her again. I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend the month over there with her. Or take care of her, she is just like my mother or close to it. She did tell them if they needed her to she could come over some for a few hours or so to help but she wasn’t going over there to stay or take care of her the whole time she was here.

It was nice having her here but I was ready when she went home. Every time we walked out of the house she went with us. She can’t walk around for to long so she goes to the car or just rides and sits in the car. I feel like I have to rush or can’t go everywhere I need to because she is waiting. Me and him already have no time alone and that is the one time we get a little bit of time alone to talk about things we need to or what. We couldn’t do that. One time I did get mad and said something. I wasn’t trying to be nasty. But I think I was a little bit. I was tired it was late and I had to go get oldest from work. I had been trying to talk her him all day about something I can’t even remeber what. I asked him to go with me he said something. His mom said I will ride with you. He said oh ok mom can ride with you. I really don’t feel like it or something. I got a little aggervated and he could tell and asked what was wrong. I didn’t have to go by myself she was going to go with me. I said because I have been trying to talk to you all day about something and can’t get anytime alone to. He said something still didn’t really want to go and she said no it’s fine you two go I will keep the baby so you can talk or what. He didn’t like that then but he went. I had said when she said she would go I ask you to go. That is when he started about not wanting to and everything.

Why she was here she said something about the fridge door in the laundry room and how it open and not being able to get into it. I said I know some you can turn around. I said I didn’t want it there to start with and have asked him for over a year to turn it around. But just something else that never gets done.

He got so mad come through the kitchen telling me to shut up he didn’t want to hear my shit today. His mom was like what, why would you say that to her? He said something about I’m always complaining about shit or something like that. I said I wasn’t complaining she ask about the door I told her why it was like that, I just simply told her the truth. Wasn’t complaining. She said something about not letting things go and getting things done. I said I don’t go in there and use it. If I need something I have him get it or ask the kids. I do enough I refuse to fight with it.

Another time I was cooking and they were sitting in the living room talking and watching tv. I was messing with all this hot stuff and the baby kept getting under foot. I was worried he was going to get burnt and just needed to be able to move around quicker and get things done. No one wants to be putting up with someone running around in the way why they are trying to do something. It’s worse when everyone is sitting around doing nothing why you are and not helping get them out of the way. I finally hollered and ask if he would come and get him. I had already asked a few times and he would get him and let him come right back or just call him and never get him.

He comes off with have one of the kids get him. I was done, that just pissed me off to no end. That is what he loves to say about things, have the kids get him, have the kids help you, let the kids do it, have the kids do it. Seems whatever I ask at times. I yelled now and told him I was so sick of hearing let, have or get the kids to do something. If I wanted to have them do it all the time I would ask them and if I was going to ask them to do it all the time like he wanted I sure the hell did not need him here. I don’t know what his mom said but he got up and got him. I don’t think I heard anything about the kids again after that for a while. Then it was did I think the kids could or would.

Don’t get me wrong my kids can help but the thing is they do help, ALOT. They split up the household chores for the most part and clean their own rooms, do their own laundry. They also do extra here and there if I ask them too. But for him to expect them to do everything because he don’t want too. At the time he was working 10 to 15 hours a week mostly 10 sometimes 20. He helped cook dinner, wash ours and the babies clothes and take care of the baby when I was at work, that was about it. Most those things other than cooking or taking care of the baby he only did once maybe twice a week. I had the baby from the time I got off, took him to work, took oldest to work, took boys to kickboxing and little bitty to dance. Then I would pick them up from dance and boxing and go home. Do dinner or cook it then by the time I got done doing that and sat everyone down to eat I had to turn around and go get him from work and her from work. Most nights I did not get home until almost 11 at night. To eat myself, shower, and hopefully go to bed and get some sleep. But 9 times out of 10, I had to feed the baby before or while I ate, and then get him cleaned up. Then I would have to get his bath if he needed one get him changed and dressed for bed, make his bottle and put him to bed. Before i could shower and think about going to bed. If I said something to him he get nasty about how he had him all day or something. I would go to bed and did not get up at night to take care of the baby when he got up and if he didn’t go to bed I stopped staying up with him. I had to be up to early.

His mom would say I don’t know what is wrong with him and his brother this is not how I raised them they are just like their dad. She did say he did a lot more than his brother around the house. He won’t cook a meal wash a dish or a load of clothes. Said he won’t even carry her chair for her when they go to ball games for the kids or nothing. I said well he don’t have a choice but to help if he wants to be here because I am not doing it all why he sits. I am not waiting on him like he is a king. She said I don’t blame you.

It was a ruff month. I don’t know why I thin just the stress of the holidays, his hours being cut and me already having a hard time. Then someone else in the house all that time. I don’t like people in my house for long periods of time. A couple of days and I am ready for them to leave. Just the same I don’t like to be at other peoples houses at all and a day or two a way from home is more than enough most the time. If I go to visit someone I will stay at a hotel instead of staying with them. I need that space to go back to away from everyone and have down time. I also do not sleep when I stay with someone else. If I do I don’t sleep well. I wake up a million times.

Over all it was an okay time.

Oldest worked at the Sea Food place from February to March. Then she got a job at a store in the mall and worked there for a while. Then over the summer she got a job at Red Lobster. She was doing half a week at one and half at the other because the mall job wouldn’t give her full time. They got really crazy about what they wanted her to do and things. They wanted her to get everyone to sign up for their store card. They told her she had to get so many people to sign up for their discount card and then she would get a new job title and get a raise. She got what they wanted and they didn’t give her the raise. Then late they had this meeting about it and actually told them to beg them to take it. Where we are and where she is working is a big tourist area so must people are not going to ever come back to that store or not for a year or more. A lot of the other customers are elderly and don’t want to give all their information out and you can’t blame them. Everyone else either have it or just don’t want it or maybe just don’t have time to stand there and give them all the information they want at the time. Whatever the reason they don’t want it they point is they do not want it and she shouldn’t have to beg them to take it.

But she worked there for a while I think she finally quit in November. I know she did it because she wanted to bank money and she wanted a car. She ended up buying a car a couple days before Halloween. I found it while I was at work so I took off early to take her to look at it. Because I was on one end of the county and it was on the other and everyone had work and things right after I got off work. JW ended up being late for work by the time we checked it out and everything. But at the price of cars right now and with the money she had to work with it was too good to pass up if it was as good as the ad said.

I told the guy we would be up there in about an hour and half and he said that was fine he would meet us at the McDonalds right there. He didn’t bring people to his house or let people know where he lived. We got there about the same time. The car was really nice. It is a 2010 HHR the body is in really good shape I didn’t see any dents or damage to it. The inside was spotless, the only thing wrong on the inside is a few little burn holes in the passenger seat. It looks like maybe an elderly person had it and took good care of it.

The guy she bought it from was really young probably her age if not, not much older than her. I was surprised He let us test drive it he went with us. He said he had went to the other coast and bought it for a friend and then they didn’t want it they up and moved out of state. He said he had been buying and selling cars since the beginning of the year. He was talking about working on them and things. I asked him if he had any vans or suv’s I was looking for something. He said no. I told him I had one I was waiting for the place to get ready but I hadn’t seen it and it was taking them a while to get it ready I really needed something. He asked me what it was and I told him he kind of just looked funny and didn’t say anything. I said I know they are known for having these issues but it is all I can find right now. I have to get something asap. He said yes they do he said they can be bad I don’t even buy them. He said he would look around see if he could find something but vehicle’s are hard to come by right now at a decent price. I said I know this is why I am buying what I am.

After we test drive it the only issue I seen with it was the traction control wouldn’t go off. I told her I felt it was okay to buy and that I would buy it if it had been big enough to put everyone in for the price he wanted for it. Like I told her even if she had to put another $1000 into it between the part and labor she still got a really good deal on it. Because she gave the kid $2650 for it. She was looking at cars that were over 20 years old held together by putty and who knows what and tore up inside for $4000 or more. They had a ton of miles on them as well and most had some kind of mechanical issues. I said you are going to end up paying over $2650 and then still have to put money for parts and labor into it. At least this one you can tell had been taken care of and over all seems to have no major issues with the motor or anything. He wanted over $3000 and they haggled to the $2650.

So now she has her first car and a decent first car. I have never owned a car that new. I told her too look at the 2009 suv I bought that looked brand new inside and out for $4000 and it blew up in 88 miles. This kid seemed like a decent good kid and he is out here that young making a business for himself and trying to go somewhere. He didn’t seem like the type that would sell her something knowing something was horribly wrong with it. Just like he told me about the one I was looking at buying. He didn’t have anything to sell me so it wasn’t like he was going to get my money if he scared me out of buying it. He just wanted me to know they are known for issues. So far it has been a really good car.

She just had to get her drivers license so she can drive it. She is scared to drive but has been doing better. She was working so much she didn’t really have time to go learn. Now she says she is going to go to a school to teach her and then go get it. She is just worried about something happening. But I think she will do fine. It maybe good for someone besides me to teach her. I try to help her and let her do it but there are just some things that she dose I have to say something about and scares me. I am very happy for her and proud of her for working hard and getting herself a car not just blowing the money.

I also started therapy in October as well for a few different reasons. I had been off my medication since before I got pregnant. I was starting to really struggle all the way around. I was to the point of quitting my job and things were already bad between me and JW before Halloween night even happened. I wasn’t bonding with the baby and distant and short with the other kids. I wasn’t sleeping and then falling asleep at my desk or fighting not to on the drive home. I was starting to really resent everyone being around and not wanting anyone around.

The other kids I didn’t want to take them out of the house or them to ride with me if I walked out of the house. Them just playing being kids would drive me up the wall. I just wanted them to go outside or their rooms.

The baby hates to ride and would lose his mind every time we got in the car. And scream the whole time. Not only that he would have a shit blow out before we could get to where we were going every time he was put in the car. It didn’t matter if we were going around the block or 50 miles he would have a mess all over him his seat everywhere. The screaming I could not handle. I just wanted to pull over and sit him out. It was such an ordeal to just get everyone dropped off and clean him up. I didn’t want nothing to do with him at home. If he needed something once he got home I was done. He wasn’t sleeping at night most nights. He would take him in the living room and watch tv play on his phone until he fell a sleep. I wasn’t happy about that because it was getting him in a bad habit. I try to tell him that he wouldn’t listen. This all going on me and him were getting no time alone at night. We have no time any other time of day.

I couldn’t stay up with him or them because I am now up between 5 and 5:20am and at work by 6 am. We weren’t getting to bed until 11 pm or after and I was still making sure I had time to spend with him and we weren’t getting it. That takes a toll on a relationship when you already have little time together and having problems.

I was questioning things between me and JW as well. I was trying to decide if it was me dealing with things from the past or is this really as big of a deal it seems? Dealing with it as well.

It bothered me about the baby and not feeling like we had a bond. Just the way I felt all around. I would sleep all day one day on the weekend sometime both and still feel like I hadn’t slept. I was moody and irritated. I knew I wanted to get back on my medication but I also felt I should talk to someone too. So I called they were able to get me in a spot fairly quickly. The only bad thing is it is at 3pm on Friday. That is when I get off work. I just told them I have a standing appointment on Fridays I had to start leaving at 2. It wasn’t a big deal I am anywhere from an hour to 15 minutes early most every day. So I still get that hour or more in most weeks. And it makes up for my two hours I am supposed to work Saturdays.

In therapy they diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, postpartum depression and PTSD. I already knew I had the anxiety and depressing. I figured postpartum was becoming an issue as well. Since I got with JW the ptsd was becoming more apparent. Mostly when we are interment or try to be. I had an issue a few times before we moved in together. When we moved in together of course we were closer more often so it became a problem. He was really good about it but it really bothered me. It did him a little at first but after we talked he understood. I told him I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me but it just brought things up from the past. That it was like flashbacks and I go straight to fight and flight. If I try to get through it not say anything I just disconnect and kind of shut down. He knows something is wrong and stops. If I tell him I have to stop he will and just lay there with me. We will talk or he will just hold me and we will go to sleep. It comes up when we get into a disagreement or fight as well. It just makes things worse. I am doing better with other but still have trouble with when we get into an argument or fight. But I am working on it.

Halloween I told you we went and trick or treated around the area by the little store JW worked at. We left the car there and walked around. When we were headed back he said he wanted to go in and get a drink. I said okay. I thought it was odd just the way he said it and acted. When we got back I wanted a drink and the kids were asking for one as well so we all went inside. He said something about that I just kind of commented back and went in.

The kids went to get their drinks and I got mine. I turned around and he was behind the counter over where the hot food was. You walk past it to get to the register, it’s all in one big row. He was holding the baby standing there talking to the lady working. She was at the other end ringing people up. I didn’t hear what he was saying but I seen him sit money on the little ledge of the counter by the hot food.

In a minute she came over and picked it up and he was turning to walk away as this was all happening. He seen me but I don’t think he knew I seen him lay it down there. We started walking down the front side of the counter where customers walk and are allowed. There was people in line we stopped over a little bit away from them she started talking to him again. She was saying something about tonight and he said no tomorrow. She kept on about Tonight and not being sure if she could get it he is kind of funny about things. He was trying to talk over her and get her to shut up. He was saying no tomorrow, tomorrow ,I will tomorrow when I get in. The kids had finished getting their drinks and headed to the car and I was just waiting listening to all this. A few more things were said he was trying so hard to get her to shut up and I know hoping I wasn’t catching all this.

we got the kids in the car and went home. I didn’t say anything because we did have the kids in the car. I try extremely hard not to fight or have a decisions Infront of the. That are about anything going on between us. Because Mr 12 gets upset if I am and he pays attention to things and starts asking questions and what’s wrong and things. I don’t want them worried about things and stress. Later that night we were in the bedroom changing or something and I asked him about it.

I asked him why he was giving her $20? He told me he didn’t. I said I watched you put it down and her come over and get it. I owed it to her? I said oh for what? He said because the other day his til came up short and she gave it to him to pay back. I ask him why he would borrow it because we had money. He wouldn’t of needed to borrow any money from anyone. Both our checks were put right in the bank so he had to go to the ATM and get money out. He could do that at any time right there at work. So even if he was short and needed money he could of got it in just a minute. No need to borrow any still.

I knew he was lying too because anything that happened at work he would tell me all about it when I picked him up. And he said it has been happening a lot lately. I said your short all the time and putting money back? He said no everyone has been being short. Again if this had been going on everyone is having this problem this is something he would of told me and people would not be putting the money in out of their pocket. no where does that. If it’s everyone they need to see who is stealing or what is wrong with their system that is causing everyone to be short. I pointed out to him he would of brought this up before now if this was going on. It’s just how he is.

He insisted and swore up and down he was telling her he would see her tomorrow not get something from her tomorrow. When I ask why she was bringing and him picking up. He swore he was telling her bye he would see her tomorrow. I said no you were not. I said she was telling you she would try to get it he should have it but she didn’t know if it would be tonight. I said then you were trying to get her to shut up and change the subject and kept saying you would get it tomorrow. He no no I wasn’t that isn’t true. Not what happened or what was said. I said I am far from stupid and I know very well what I watched and heard. You know you are standing here lying to me. He was all mad and telling me I was wrong. Then he started telling me just go to bed. I got the baby just go to bed. It wasn’t that late and any other time if I said anything about going to bed before the baby did he would have something to say about it he didn’t want to be around me because he knew he was lying. I was going to ask him more. I stayed up we were back in the other room. I didn’t say anything until later after we were around the kids.

We went to bed in a little bit and I asked him again about it. He was so mad. He kept insisting on what he told me was true. I told him if money is coming up missing from everyone’s til and they were having to pay it back it was time to find a different job. He started he wasn’t doing that. That was stupid it happened one time blah blah. I said well I am not taking you anymore. I can’t believe you want me to find a new job over my til missing$20 one time. I said one time and only $20 this time. I said so what happens next time when it’s$200 not $20? Then that shorts us for the week and that money comes out of our pocket. We are not doing that. He rolls over and says we’ll I’m not quitting.

I laid there for a bit and I said I hope that this is all worth what it is costing you. What is that supposed to mean? I said, just what I said I hope tonight and all this is worth everything it is costing you. Because you have just changed everything between us.

He says what is that supposed to mean? Why would you say that? I said because you did not give her money because your til was short now did you? And you have sat here and lied over and over lie after lie and told me I didn’t see what I seen or hear what I heard. Not only lied to me but called me a lier as well. I said again it wasn’t because your til was short was it?

He finally kind of just looked away and said no. She was getting me weed from her roommate. I said that’s what I figured.

I said do you know what this has done to use and caused between us? He said what do you mean? I said when we stood here earlier and you lied to me over and over again and called me a lier. I said tonight standing there everything changed. I felt like I was standing there Infront of my ex. I said he did this exact same thing to me. He just looked at me. He was saying he was sorry. I said sorry is not going to change what happened tonight.

I said you know I trusted you more than anyone I have been with. I said I was so comfortable with you. I wasn’t worried about anything with you. Tonight that all changed. The person standing in front of me tonight I don’t know. I don’t even know if I even want to be with you anymore. I don’t know how I even feel about you anymore. I said how am I supposed to ever believe you when you tell me anything again? When you blow such a little petty thing up into this and the fact that you would even lie to me about something so petty. If you can lie about something so small you have no problem lying about bigger things.

I told him when they said I was reinfected and we went to start treatment again. The day I went to see him at work and confronted him part of me wanted to believe him and kind of did. It bothered me he was set he hadn’t cheated and things. I went home and researched it. That is how I found out about there could be issues if the test were not done at the same place. I felt better about it, but still wasn’t giving the benefit of the doubt either and finding out he had done something. But I did tell him right away what I did find out and that we would have to wait and see what the results said. But that I did find there could be an issue. That I was leaning towards that being what happened.

I said if something like that was to happen now I wouldn’t believe you and would make you leave most likely. I said I am now always going to be questioning if you are telling me the truth in the back of my mind when you tell me something. He just kept telling me how sorry he was and how he didn’t want me to be mad at him is why he lied to me. I said but then when I told you I seen and heard all that you continued to lie to me. You didn’t think that was going to make me mad? I didn’t know what to do at that point because you were so mad and everything just happened so fast and I just didn’t want to fight.

He said later it shouldn’t be a big deal anyway it was just tips. It was extra money. That made me pretty mad. I said let me explain something to you. We have had an emergency, your hours have been cut way down. You do not have all of your part of the bills. I am making it up and I am short because we have had that emergency and I had to deal with it and make up what you don’t have. I have maxed out my credit cards. I should have money because I am Making enough to cover what I am supposed to and have extra and money in savings. I shouldn’t of had to do what I did because of the emergency I should of had my savings. You have no extra money. Until this is all paid and caught up and you are paying what you should be then you will have extra money. But until then it doesn’t matter where you get the money from, your first thought shouldn’t be I’m going to get weed, it should be let me put this towards what I owe.

Don’t get me wrong I knew he had been buying it. I had not said anything about it. Realistically he can’t put every dollar into the house and bills. He spent a little each week I didn’t say anything. Wasn’t like he was spending $100 or something. I go out to lunch a few Fridays a month with a group at work and I get my coffee every morning. We can’t not have a little to spend. My issue was the fact he tried to hide it to start with. Then caused such an issue about when asked about it. Like I said I already knew he was getting it so I would of been like oh okay. I wouldn’t of said anything because it wasn’t like the little bit he was spending was going to make or break us. I already knew. I figured what it was for but I simply asked and it turned into all that. That was the problem hiding it and lying about it when asked.

After that I was very tore and truly didn’t know what to do how to handle it or like I said didn’t know if I wanted him around. We were in the car going somewhere and he said something and he said I love you. I didn’t say it back said whatever I was saying. He looked at me with this look on his face and he said you must be really mad. I said what? He said I said I love you and you didn’t say it back. I told him I was hurt not mad. You could tell it really bothered him. He went on I was dropping him of somewhere. Later I told him we needed to talk. He said yes we did. We went and talked later.

After all that if he got a $1 tip or $20 in tips he was giving it to me when he got home. He would tell me here I have coffee money for you or I got this much today. Or tuck it in the spot we have in the car we keep just in case money if we get out need gas and forgot our card or want a drink or something. It’s between$10 and $20 most the time. So if there wasn’t any in there he would put it in there. whatever he did with it he told me about every dollar. He has only had weed once since then. It was some a friend he worked with gave him his last day at his old job.

I still right now to this day can’t say I trust him anywhere near what I did. I want to but I can’t. I don’t know if I ever will. It bothers me. Because there have been a few times since that simple stuff I have asked I spend to much time thinking to myself is he lying to me or not. I don’t feel he is telling me the truth. But then I have to question if I am questioning it and feel that way because of what happened or because I really think he is lying. Like once I even wanted to go through his things to see if he was lying. I did not like the way that made me feel. I don’t want to go through anyone’s stuff or feeling like I need to. Then being upset with myself for not doing it. But I don’t want to be that person and if you make me that person is it worth being with you? We are working on things and hopefully can get to a better place even if it isn’t what it was before.

Little Bitty went to the doctor for a checkup or something and they were talking about how small she is. She is 9 and 40lbs still. She was on the chart just below the other kids her age. But now she is falling off the charts. They sent her to a specialist to get testing and figure out what is going on. He couldn’t find anything and said she needed to go to a GI doctor.

He sent us home with paperwork for a bunch of test first. He said he wanted to get these test done first because the GI doctor would want to go straight to scoping her and he didn’t want them to do that if it could be avoided.

We did the first round and it came back she isn’t absurding the nutrition like she should. But they said the test could be wrong so we have to reduce it and if it comes back the same we see what doctor we go to from there. If it is fine we see where we go from there. I just hope it isn’t something to bad and they can take care of it easily and she doesn’t have to go through to much.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: