{March 17, 2019}   Unexpected Praying

I haven’t prayed in a long time, probably since I tried to do the 30 day prayer challenge back last year. Here is where I am right now.

I am at my day job that I love. It is all I have wanted other than pay. I am able to come and go and take off when I need or want to. Everyone I work with are supper nice.

I was at the lot it wasn’t working for me but most of the people were nice. The pay days and hours sucked but it was just enough to cover everything between the two.

Now tomorrow I start this new job in the evenings and leave the car lot. The hours are good no more weekends and the pay is great. The people I have met so far are nice. I can more than make the bills in a month. I can get ahead and have somethings. Get new truck and fix things.

I am happy for the most part, life isn’t perfect but it never will be. I am okay with the way things are for the most part. I don’t feel this doom and gloom feeling all the time. I feel like everything is alright or working out. I still feel somethings aren’t fair or right but I don’t care. That’s another post all together.

But I don’t miss not going to church or the praying or any of it. It has been years since I went to church last and a while since I prayed. I use to pray even when I wasn’t in church. I tried that challenge because I hadn’t been praying like I should. But it didn’t work out and I gave up on all of it. Like I said I have been okay with it all. I had not even thought about any of it until a few weeks a go. I was driving down the street thinking about Sleeping Beauty and all that is going on and was said and done between us. How things are now what me and bff has been talking about. AnD over The last few weeks I keep catching myself thinking about all of it and praying. I don’t even notice or realize I am doing it until I get distracted by something else and then think about what I was doing. Most the time I am just driving a long.

I don’t know why or what causes it or even gets me started. It seems very odd or weird even to me. Because I haven’t prayed for anyone or anything in so long. Someone brings it up I tell them yeah I don’t do that anymore or I don’t believe in it or what. People say pray for me I say I would if it was something I do but good luck.   Why am I not even trying or knowing and why in this situation now? Why do our minds do that to us?

{October 26, 2018}   If There Is A God

It is 2:45 am and my mind is racing from one thing to another and then another. I have to have kids at school by 7:40 and be at work by 9 to open. Normally I would work until 2 but my new hours I am there until 5. That is if they are not busy and don’t need me after that. But I just have to much on my mind to sleep.

This has been on it for a few days now. Why is it if you question faith, religion, church, believes, god or all the above, people get nerves and avoid you? They come at you with generic answers that cover nothing and don’t really answer your question. Then they pull out the old trusty go toos. Such as don’t give up now, don’t stop believing or lose faith, you have come so far something will happen soon. Or I don’t know when it is going to happen just wait. You have waited this long, it’s on his time not ours, what if yours was coming tomorrow and you give up today? It’s like all pipe dreams that people hold on to or grasp at in order to keep going or to have something to give them hope. I don’t know, but at this point looking around me at all people are going through and how others walk through life like nothing and everything else. I just feel that is all it is, something someone put there to keep people from just giving up I don’t know. Churches to make money or harbor those that do wrong and make it okay.

Wow looking back and thinking about it church’s all have had problems growing up and still today. The church I grew up in split half the people left because of things that happen with the daycare. The youth leader amd his wife were all involved. I never thought to much about it. I was a teen and wasn’t as involved at that point. It just seemed like a horrible thing that happen.

Thinking about it now and all that has come out as what happen and how the church split and took sides and outcast ones that tried to say something and stood by the ones who did the things and hired legal help and everything for them.

Then how the one me and father of the year was going to how they turned their backs on me and the kids. I wasn’t the only one they turned their backs on. Then to findout they put kids and things in danger and think nothing of it. When something happens tell the kids and parent they should forgive the person and work things out. We aren’t talking hurt my feelings called me a name or wouldn’t let me have something I wanted misunderstand kind of things. Talking people went to jail and prison and things. I understand needing to forgive not for them but yourself. But to work things out stay together, stay friends or what no, no, no that just isn’t right. Then let these people come back and welcome them as if nothing happen not say a word to new people or nothing else. Something is not right about that.

Look at all these huge churches you see, the preacher can’t know all those people that come there and have a relationships and things. I bet you not even a quarter of them are even close or able to get a hold of him and have a true preacher congregation memeber relationship. The congregation can’t even know eachother and have a true church family kind of relationship. It seems to be all about the money with them. Being popular.

Then you have others who seem to have a good balance and close and involved with members and memebers invloved doing things together. But then they become more of a clique it seems if you don’t fit in their cookie cutter.

I have been involved in all different ways from a member, to a techer to childcare worker, to being involved in the meetings of the church helping to make decisions and vote on things with the elders and preacher to an outsider looking in. And all that I have seen and experienced in and out of church and having time to really sit back take it all in think about it really has me questioning a lot and leaving me with a hard time believing seeing as no one can seem to answer my questions and avoids you when you do question and don’t just blindly follow. It isn’t like I am attacking anyone for believing, saying they shouldn’t, saying I am going to worship the devil come join me. I am just asking questions that a lot I would think would ask.

I think it comes down to the point that it makes them start questioning things and they don’t know how to Handel that. They don’t want to think about it, it is easier to just believe and go on their marry way. But meanwhile where does that leave people who maybe have never believed and maybe have decided to try this thing called church and faith or what out? Or people like me who are really questioning things and what is going on and what way to turn?

Maybe I should ask a preacher instead of random people from the church. But I don’t even know where to start to do something like that because I haven’t been to church or involved in one in so long. I don’t want to talk to the ones from the church that turned their backs on us and thinks we need to forgive and work things out. I have no idea who is over the church I grew up in. The preacher that I use to talk to there left years ago. Maybe I should set up a meeting with the preacher and his wife at the church where me and the kids were going to for a little bit there after my dad passed. Him amd his wife are both preachers, they have had this church about 11 years now and they are closer to my age. Maybe make it easier to talk to them. I don’t know, maybe I should just forget it and not go one way or the other.

I tried to do the prayer journal and the 30 day challenge and all that to try to get back into it and back to where I was before. But it all just feels so fake. I don’t know maybe that isn’t the word to use but I just couldn’t do it. It didn’t seem real it just seem like I was going through the motions. I couldn’t keep it up. I am going to have to find someone to talk to because it is on my mind to much and until I get answers it will be. Some say you haven’t had that “god” moment or that coming to god moment when you do you be okay. What? What is that supposed to mean how is that supposed to help now? Just easier to say again than having to admit they don’t know or that it raises questions in their mind or that they have the same questions but are just blindly following because that is what you do maybe?

Well now that it is 10:40 am here is my post I start at almost 3am. I was wide a wake when I started, got a quarter of the way in and passed out.

{October 14, 2018}   Is There a God

I don’t think so!

I will be honest my religion, faith or whatever you want to call it is something that I have been questioning a lot lately. For a while I haven’t really thought of it one way or the othe. But the last month or so its been on my mind a lot and pressing.

A little history, I grew going to church until I was in my teens. Then I went off and on through my teens here and there. When I got out of school and started working I went speratic. Then right before I met father of the year I had started going with my moms friend to his church. Come to findout it was the church father of the years grandma had gone to for years and where he went. I am not sure why we didn’t keep going there since we both were going and he had been there for so long and had friends and things there. Well writing that it makes since he didn’t really want me to meet his friends and never really went around or talk to them much after we got together. Just like he ended up isolating me from mine. He didn’t want them to findout what he was really all about. Anyway we found a different much smaller church and went there for years until I stopped going once we started having problems and split up. That is the one that turned their back on me and the kids and said I ripped my family apart and was all poor father of the year and how bad I was.

When me and RC were together we were starting to check out different churches and trying to find one to start going to. Then about that time everything happen with us and we split up. Me and the kids started going to one years later after my dad passed but that didn’t last long. It was great for the kids but I felt like there was no where I fit on or anything for me. Did not relate to anyone because everyone was married or single never been married, didn’t have kids. It was hard to be able to go because I didn’t have a sister for the kids when they had womens bible study and small groups and things. I was looked at like I was the pluge or something because I wad divorced!! Of all things. No one ever took the time to findout why or to get to know us. There was one lady who was so nice and seemed to truely care and befriended me but she wasn’t there offten because of work and things. We ended up not going and no one missed us or cared. Never did anyone call and ask if things were okay of something was wrong or anything.

I know it sounds stupid maybe. But growing up the elders of the church, teachers and other were always in contact with the members of the church and new people. If a member didn’t show up after a Sunday or two if they had not heard from you they were calling or coming to see you and make sure you were okay. It was like a family and they really cared and you felt you had friends, support and if people really cared. Real connections. If you walked in to the church and had never been there you can bet a dozen people will have spoken to you, welcomed you and included you in what was going on. Now you go into these churches someone may or may not speak to you at all and you just kind of follow in whats going on or sit back and watch. No one calls or checks up on anyone or notices if they are gone even if they have been coming for a while and if they do they are quickly forgotten and everyone moves on as if they were never there.

So that is my stint with church this far in my almost 38 years of life. I have been “saved” twice, believed in gifts, laying hands and all that.

But for a while now I have been going back and forth and questioning the whole God and church thing. Looking back over the years thinking about everything and everything that is going on now makes me question him even more.

Everyone says, pray about it, have faith, trust God, in God’s time, God says yes, no, wait, just wait, don’t give up. It maybe tomorrow, next week, next year or 5 years, BUT things will get better just wiat, trust, believe, pray and go to church.

My response to that is, how long am I supposed to pray about it? How long am I supposed to have faith, believe and and trust? How bad off do I have to be before something remotely good happens? I don’t just wait i do and do and try to do better and get a head just to be knocked right back down in days or weeks. If something good does seem like it is happening it don’t last or don’t come through.

If there is a God why do I struggle so much just to live and not have anything can’t do anything and can’t provide? When I am trying to work, trying to go to school, take care of my kids and make a better life for us? But here I sit lights going off in a few days, car insurence do Monday, and no way to pay them. Then my phone and water and things due soon.

I do not get how if there is a God I am in this situation when all I do is try to make things better for us and work my ass off. While others over here lie and do everything they can to get all the help they can never try and have no plan to do better or want to do better. Then you have deadbeat father of the year who has a job, house, truck and everything else in the world he wants or needs handed to him while his kids suffer amd do without.

You know I did better in the past, had more and things like that but can I really say it was because of God? No I can’t say I feel that it was now. Looking back it was because I was in a different situation. There was two of us in the house working and I was able to work, go to school and do things because I had help. But what was the price I paid to have that help? Being treated like crap, knocked around, ignored, and more. So because I chose to get myself and my kids out of that then I should struggle and be miserable and unhappy the rest of my life and have to tell my kids we can’t do that, we can’t go there, we can’t get that all the time and sit and stress and worry if we are even going to have a place to live and things.

All because I refused to be abused anymore and because I refuse to get back in a situation like that or to go from man to man and live off of them. Because I would rather have a real relationship than an atm? But doesn’t the bible say we aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing as well? But if we do it we are rewarded for it?

Yeah none of it makes since if there was a God life would not be this way. Then people want to get upset if you question it or it isn’t for you. Why would it be with all that I have been through and church after church turn their back or not make you feel welcome and no mater how much you pray and do your still in the same boat 5 years 8 years down the road. Why everyone else living and happy.

Everyone is welcome to have their say and I would love to hear others opinions on it all. But I also know that topics like this are very hot topics and can get out of hand. We are all adults and can have respectful conversations and different points of view with eachother. Rude, nasty or disrespectful comments will not be approved.But I really would like to hear others out on why things are this way for some and that way for others if there is such a loving and caring God? He can make ways why hasn’t he? Why is the only way I could do decent was to be in an abusive relationship? Why when I get out all I do is struggle and can’t beg for help give people things or pay them even to help me and everyone turns their back? Why if he cares so much don’t he make a way?when I am trying? I will probably get a lot of backlash may lose some followers but that is okay. Just show that what I am saying is right. When you question or don’t fit in their box instead of helping they turn their backs.


{September 27, 2018}   You Need Church

Mr. To Broken has been talking to me again just the same as if nothing ever happened. He again all with his I love you yada yada, blah, blah. The other night he said something about praying and I told him I didn’t see a reason to or do it anymore really. Something like that anyway. He didn’t say much.

To be honest I haven’t really prayed in a ling time or really had a relationship or whatever you want to call it in a long time. Here and there I say a prayer for someone or what but nothing like I use to. I go back and forth on this a lot. On praying, believing, wanting to go to church and just all of it in general.

As I said before my church turned their back on me and my kids when I got a divorce. I ture my family apart. Why would I do that we had the “perfect” family. I was told this many times by many people. We had the “picture perfect” family, we couldn’t have problems that bad. Just pray about it and wait for it to get better.

Then when we went to this new church I was the only single divorced mom there. It wasn’t a very welcoming place.

So two major times I look for support and turn to the one place I should never have to worry about being judged I was judged the most, turned away and made to feel unwelcomed. Why would I feel excited to try another church? Even when I didn’t go, for years I still prayed and maintained my relationship with god. Look where I sit, still fighting still struggling, still getting no where no matter how hard I fight and try.

Sometimes I have the thought of you need to find a church and go. Or maybe things would get better if I work on that area of my life again and go. Just the other day I was thinking about it and started looking churches up in my area. I wanted to see what sunday school classes they offer, small groups and bible study. None offer any kind of single parent mineastry for mom or dads or them as a whole of any kind.

When I go to regulare bible study I don’t fit in everyone is married or never been married don’t have kids. We talk but we just don’t realy relate because we are going through way different things. Before long your just kind of left out or pushed to the side. You can tell most are uncomfortable with you. It is like if your a divorced woman with kids and you left your husband he didn’t leave you. Your just secured your spot in hell so why are you even there amoung them anyway. Because your supposed to just pray about it and hope it changes.

I think Mr. To Broken got a little mad at me because I said I wouldn’t go. But it’s okay, I have no desire to go somewhere and sit and be looked down on and judged. I get that enough from my family. I don’t need it from a building full of stranges all the time.

If he is going and enjoys it and it is working for him thats great. I am happy for him, and don’t judge him one way or another for it. I just don’t feel it is for me right now. I can’t handle going there and dealing with it all again and to be done that way again. If the churches really don’t feel like that then why do none of them have nothing for parents and or their kids? They know it isn’t easy and they could use all the support they can get and the fellowship and bible study too. They can’t say it isn’t that big of a deal they are welcome to join our other groups. But then why are there groups for people that like the outdoors, one for people over 50 or stay at home moms or men who like to hunt and singles never been married. If it don’t matter why is it stay at home moms or working moms and why is never been married added to singles group? If it matters to these groups to study and fellow ship with like minded people why is it odd to feel there should be a single parents or single moms and a sinlge dads group or a single parwnts ministry? It does make a difference.

Maybe I am wrong but for none of the churches to have anything it seems to say a lot about their veiw and thoughts. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am a little jaded in my view because of the way I have been done. But I really don’t think so. Like I said funny none seem to have anything for single parents.

{September 14, 2018}   Not A Holiday

Sorry this is so late but I had to think about this and how to word it and get across what I am talking about. I still am not sure that it is going to come out right in the end. But I am going to try. I ask you all if you felt that the 11th being a holiday in, 9/11 Holiday or Not. Thank you to the two people who replied.

One said maybe in the states that were apart of the attacks like NY.

The other said yes to honor the lives that were lost and the people who worked so hard to save people and all that.

I do not feel that it should be a holiday, I feel that it is going to have more mening to the terrorist who done it than to the memory of the ones who lost their lives.

I feel that making it a holiday they are going to feel like yeah we got them they close everything in order to remember what we did to them. Where as if we keep going life as normal but take the time to still remember what happen sends a bigger message. That they are not going to stop us we are not going to dwell on what they did but we will remember the lives that were lost. Does that make since? Like okay you all stopped everyones lives for the day and some for weeks, months or longer. You took some lives forever. We are not letting you stop them over and over but we we aren’t going to forget the lost lives either. We are going to live and celebrate their lives.

{September 11, 2018}   9/11 Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep…one less terrorist this world does keep…with all my heart I give my thanks…to those in uniform regardless of ranks…you serve our country and serve it well…with humble hearts your stories tell…so as I rest my weary eyes…while freedom rings our flag still flies…you give your all, do what you must…with God we live and God we trust. Re-post if you believe

{August 12, 2018}   How Do You Pray

I grew up going to church my younger two kids spent half their lives in church before we stopped going. I am still horrible when it comes to praying and don’t ask me to pray out loud because that just isn’t going to happen. I can’t sit or stand and pary for someone I have no idea what to say or anything like that. It just don’t come to me or sounds stupid if it does. Wjen I pray to myself I get distracted and keep starting over. I use to have no problems praying on my own alone. Now I will be and catch myself off thinking about somethimg else amd I don’t even know I am doing it until I stop to think about what I am doing or supposed to be doing.

I sometimes I wonder if religion is even for me anymore and wonder what I am even doing. It is like you can’t even stay on track and just get a prayer done without thinking about everything else. Why are you even doing it? You don’t go to church anymore why bother. Its just something else to add to your to do list that you already have a 100,000,999 other things on. Your dropping the ball on 100,000,995 of them including this. And those 4 your not doing very good at taking care of, they are half assed.

I want to go to church I don’t want to take my mother with me like she wants to go. For the simple fact of the way she is and that I just want nothing to do with her at all. Other than that I work on Sundays right now. I have to be there by 1. Unless I find one that has an ealry time then I do not get out in time. Then I don’t get off until 12/1 am on Sunday. It too feels like something else to fit in and do. I hate doing things when I feel like it is just another thing on my list to get done and taking up time when I don’t have to do it. I like going the kids love going and keep asking to go. I see a difference when we go. There is a new small church that just open a block or so from home. I told the kids when my mother leaves and isn’t there to run her mouth and start crap she has nothing to do with I am going to take them and check it out. If we like it then they can walk to and from there and go even if I have to work. My friends house is like three doors away from it. So if something happen they can always go to her house there is always someone there. Between her house and mine I am not to worried. Everyone on that street now seem pretty decent and they can always call me and talk to me until they get home. About a quarter to half the houses are owned by the church that is on the other corner from the one they would be going with. And a lot of their people walk back and forth as well. I know the people that live in another one there and another house is my good friends ex in laws. The rest have all lived there for years as long as me or longer. No one has had any problems with anyone or eachother. Before there is no way even know the people in some of the houses would I have let them walk it alone. There was to much drugs and things down through there. But between my friend the church and the others on the street they have gotten them out of there and cleaned it up. Its been a few years it has been nice.

I want to go if I didn’t have to work and really like the one we started going to after my dad passed away. But it was just so far away and I didn’t have the extra gas go two or three times a week and they didn’t have childcare for a lot of the things they had for women like bible study or small groups. My kids were to small to leave home at that time.

I am just in a down mood today and seem to be slipping further in. I been at work since just before 1 and alone since just after and O have not moved out of my chair since I got here. We do not have anyone coming in to do a room u til 430 so about another 20 minutes. I sat for the last 3 hours and played on my phone.

I did walk over to the store for a minute to get post it notes for the store. I bought myself this nice note pad to start trying to write in. It small fits in my purse I don’t have to worry about losing it or everyone getting a hold of it or what.

Got to get off here my first group just walked in. I have one a little after them starting and that is it for my day so far. 2.5 hours left.


{August 6, 2018}   30 Days Of Prayer

I have not updatedon this in a while. I keep meaning to but always end up on something else and then falling a sleep. Earlier I couldn’t hold my eyes open and hardly got my last post done. That was over 2 hours ago. I have been wide awake since I posted it. Its 430 am. And I thought of this post that has been waiting to be written.

Boy does the enemy know how to get to you. He got to me…(i only got this far and fell a aleep again. Was wide awake when I started)

As I was saying last night the enemy sure knows how to get to you. He got to me with these challenges I was trying to do. I only made it a few days in with the writing maybe a week. Just praying I made it about half way maybe a little more than half way. But it wasn’t as good as it was when I first started and not what I wanted. At the end before I stopped they were not as detailed and thought out. They were just be with x and help them kind of thing. Then there were none.

None for me my family, none for anyone else they just stopped. I don’t really have time through out the day to do it. So I was when I laid down at night. But it don’t matter how awkaw i am, if I do it as soon as I lay down after I laid here for a while or half the night. As soon as I start I can not hold my eyes open. Even if i am not writing. I think because I am concentrating on something. I tried to do it earlier but I get side tracked or start to fall a sleep. It isn’t just this it is anything I have to think about and do I get that way. The more I have to look at details and really think about what I am doing I just want to sleep. I am starting to think its from my accident and concussion. I have been this way a while but it seems to be getting worse. I need to check into it and see if something can be done.

But anyways back on track of what this is supposed to be about. I feel bad I did not finish and did not do as good as I should of. I think I failed at it all really. I think I am going to try again. I know I can’t do the writting one right now so I will skip it. But I am going to do the other.

I have failed with the journal part and not been the best at the prayer challenge. I think I got to day 4 on the journal and that is it. I should be about halfway through the 30.

I have been praying, not as in detail as I was and would like but I have still been praying. If my mother really moves in with her friemd like she was talking about doing the other day it will have worked. And if she gets her ssi. She said the lawyer has another hearing set up but she hasnt been going to the doctors or getting test. She had said something about going back down to her other friends house as well. But I know she will not stay there. I hope she goes to her friends she was talking about going to the other day. My oldest said she heard her telling her she had to think about it a few days or what. She started on me about the money I “owe” her again and things too. But then last night she was showing me how she got a bunch more money from school amd things. So hopefully she will get over that and just go. I don’t know where she thinks I owe her anyway she has not paid me for months and all she has to pay a month is $200. So if we figured that out it seems that she would be back to owing me again not me her when its $500 we are talking about. But I don’t care, I never expected I would get the money back when I gave it to her but it kept her out of my house for a while. I am just going to keep praying that she gets out in the next week or two. Me and the kids need our lives back to normal.

I have still been praying for Starfish and after this weekend I don’t know if things are really going that well or not. It don’t seem like it. It is sad because he was really doing good for a while there it seemed. I just pray whatever is going on is a miner set back or stumble and things will even back out this week for him as well.

My Bff things don’t seem to be as big of a mess but still not going great. But she is just avoiding it all staying busy. She been going to the water park and things and going to the mountains this week coming up. Her normal just avoid and whatever happens just happens let someone else take care of it. Play happy and keep going. I guess if it works for her….

Mr. To Broken seems to be about tje same. But he still feels that everything sits on finding someone to be with. Being upset that I still don’t want to be with him. That no one wants to be with him. I have all but said maybe it is you and not them. But I haven’t. I have told him if he don’t think any better of himself then no one else is going to amd that he has to be happy with himself in order for others to have a chance at being happy with him. But he just gets mad and don’t want to talk about it. Just keep praying for him is all I can do. He has to figure it out on his own and do it hisself.

We are all under our own free will.

{May 31, 2018}   Praying

et cetera
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