Single___Parent___Life











So Monday I worked my 8 hours and decided to go home. Since I still had about an hour and half until JW was off I decided to take the long way home. There are like 3 different ways I take home depending on my mood and how much time I have. Most nights I go straight up 95 because I leave about 30 minutes before he gets off. It only takes me like 20 minutes or so to get to his job.

Monday night I leave and decide to go the long way around just to waste time. It takes 45 minutes to an hour. I get a few miles from work stop at the light. It turns I go through the intersection. My truck has no power won’t change gear and is hardly rolling. I turned my flashers on and coasted until I could pull off the road. I was in the left lane couldn’t get over. I didn’t even know if I was going to get out of the road. I finally got over in the grass. My passenger side wheels were right on the yellow line. Everytime a car went by my truck would rock. I was scared they were going to hit me.

My truck was still running but sounded horrible and wouldn’t move. Then it shut off. I tried to start it all it would do was turn over. I got out checked the water, oil and transmission fluid. They were fine and I had half tank of gas. But it seemed as if it wasn’t getting gas to the motor. I killed the battery trying to get it started. I called my friend who said to check and see if the shut off for the fuel pump got tripped some how.

I hung up and tried to do that but it is behind the kick panel on the drivers side. I had to open the door on that side and then get tools and take it off. Had I done that my door would of been in the road and I would have as well. I talk to him again and decided it wasn’t that. Because I hadn’t had anyone in there since that morning to of hit it and I had not hit any bumps or anything hard enough to trip it I didn’t feel.

I was talking back and forth with JW and trying to find someone to come help me get it out of the road and check it more see if we could figure it out. I could not get a hold of anyone. So I call AAA and they say they will pick my truck up but not me. I am 25 miles away from home. I can’t get anyone to come help me who is going to come get me. I am in the street there are houses on one side and a pound on the other. It is blocks up a main road then across it and another main road. I hung up and called JW he said they would come get me but they wouldn’t be off for an hour. I figured it would take that long or longer for the tow truck. I hung up called and told them to send the truck.

I was in the truck it was dark the lights were off. I had the hood up and been there an hour. I was looking down talking on the phone and someone starts knocking on my window. I look down this guy is standing there. He started asking what was wrong and stuff. I was talking to the lady he got under the hood started looking. I tried to turn it over show him it was dead. He said is that a tow truck? Hang up cancel it I can fix it get you going. The guy with him told him hush let me finish.

I hung up he said I have the same truck same motor everything for 10 years. I have done all the work rebuilt it everything. Whatever it is I can fix it. He said your ground wire was really lose I could pull it off with my hand. I turned it over tightened it up. We will jump it you will be on your way. I was telling him no I killed it after I got stopped it wasn’t getting fuel. He was saying if it is not grounded it isn’t being charged nothing is going to work right. I said I know but you aren’t understanding. I said jump it we can’t tell anything if you can’t hear what it is doing. So they did. It turns over but don’t start. I said see it isn’t getting fuel and I have half a tank. He climbed up under the hood and started messing with something. He told me get in turn key on and off. He said your right there isn’t any pressure from the fuel pump. He said he couldn’t fix it there on the road like that. He said it is your pump and I can do it in 45 minutes for $200 and you get the part. I checked about getting the pump done in my other truck and they waned $700. He said he could do it the next day after work.

They other guy said if you want to tow it around the corner leave it in my yard you can. He said lock it up and bring the key back when we get home tomorrow. It will save you a bunch on your tow bill. We will fix it as soon as we get off.

I said look I have to go home and see if I can borrow the money because I do not have it. But I have to get it going so I don’t miss work. He said okay we will come to you. Get a hold of us tomorrow let us know.

They were still in front of my truck with cables hooked up when the tow truck got there. They moved and went to leave. I thought about being stuck once they took my truck. I ran over and stop them. I ask if they would take me up the street to the restaurant. I was going to get a drink and wait for JW to get there. It was dark and cool out and I would be off the road. They ask why. I told them because I had to wait for my ride. They said I could go with my truck.

I told him no they said because of covid they were not taking passenger. He said yeah I went over to get my things and wait for the guy to get the truck picked up.

I thought I am going to go get in this van with these two guys I just met. Sure we are only going to the end of the street a few blocks but what if they decide to go somewhere else or do something? I thought of my knife in the door of my truck. I got it and stuck it in my back pocket and covered it with my shirt and jacket. They were in a big work van with the cage and closed up no windows. I thought if I get separated from my purse it is going to do me no good or if I can’t get into it. This way I could just pull it out. Let me just say I did not really think I had anything at all to worry about or I would of never asked or thought about getting in the van with them. But you never know what may happen. I got out of the truck he came over said hunny he will take you with your truck. I said what? He said I talked to him he said they aren’t supposed to but he will. I said okay thank you. He said call him and let him know and made sure i had his number. I put my knife in my purse when no one was around. I figured in the tow truck there is more space between me and him and there was only one of him not two and he was driving too. I could get to it if I needed to. Before I figured if I road to the corner with them or 25 miles with him I didn’t know any of them so not any different really.

The one guy said I would of never stopped but I seen it was an excursion I told him stop turn around we have to go back. He was saying no, no,no. I said go back we have to stop. So he finally turned around. He said I love these trucks. I said me too it is my 2nd one. He said he got his 10 years ago for $10k and it only had 30 some thousand miles on it he is 2nd owner I think he said. 10 years ago with no more miles than that on it they gave him that truck. Just gave it away. He said if it was anything else I would of never stopped. They left and I walked back over to the tow truck. They guy was taking forever. Then he went to pull it up there and i called JW to tell him I was going to ride home with the truck. So he didn’t have to worry about coming all the way down there to pick me up.

I walk back to the front of the truck my truck is still not loaded. The guy has been here while now. He finally says he broke the wench on his truck he has to send another truck. He picks his stuff up and leaves. I am sitting back in the truck waiting and called the part store to see if they had the part and how much it was. They guy ask how my night was?

I said I am sitting on the side of the road because my fuel pump went out. I been here over an hour. The tow truck just left because he broke the truck trying to load mine. He was like damn not a good night.

All of a sudden I see red and blue lights behind me. They looked further away. Then I thought they were right behind me. Before I thought I said oh no it’s the cop’s. He said where? I said right behind me. He said you’re legal right it’s fine.

I said my birthday was Saturday and I forgot to get my tag. I gave him the info he needed got off the phone and out of the truck. The cop was walking up. I told him I was stuck I called AAA what happened when they got there that he just pulled away was sending someone else. Showed him on my phone text AAA sent me. He said call them back ask if I was okay and left. I called them back and sat on hold for what seemed like forever. The other truck came up before they ever came back to the phone. He hooked it up set it all up and we were on our way in no time. I figured out later the other guy tried to pull it up there with out putting it in gear so the wheels would roll. That is why his wench broke. I told you I can’t make this shit up. Who has luck like that?

I ask this guy if he would give me a ride and told him the other driver said he was going to tell him to. That he was going to. He said yes he would. He wasn’t supposed to but he wasn’t going to leave me stuck there on the side of the road. I had him take me to JW house. I stayed there that night. I was going to rent a car and they had none where I normally go. I checked the other place they wanted almost $90. I wouldn’t of even made 90 for the few hours I would of been at work. I had to leave early to get the truck fixed. I ended up calling in. The guys came about 5 the one took me to get the part why the other started on the truck. It took him about 2.5 hours but he got it done. He also replace the battery terminal for me too. I told him I had an oil leak asked if he seen it why he was under there? He said no got under it and looked. In just a second got up and said my motor mounts are wore out it is sitting on the oil pan. He said it is cracked. He said it would take most the day to do it. You have to lift the motor fix the pan replace the mounts put it back together. They said I would need to bring it to their dads shop so they could put it on the lift and could do it easier. I told him that was fine I had no problem doing that. He said let him know when I was ready. We would set something up.

JW said when I broke down his friend had a guy that would fix it. Said he done the breaks and something else for him. Small stuff and that he worked at one of the tow companies before. I said I don’t know about that. I don’t like just anyone messing with my truck. He may be able to do breaks but fuel pump is a lot more involved and can be dangerous if he does something wrong.

He said you are going to let this guy you don’t know do it? I said I know but talking to him watching him messing with it on the side of the road. He knows what he is talking about. What he is doing. He has the same truck done this stuff already to his. He knows what to expect what he needs and all that. I just felt it was ok and there was a reason he came by and stopped when he seen me.

I am waiting for the new year to start so I am not getting short checks. And I can get overtime. I am going to have do the mounts, and a few other things to it for me.



{December 28, 2020}   I Told My Sister

I don’t know if it was Christmas eve or a day or two before, but me and my sister were talking on the phone while shopping. We were calling back and forth having each other look for thing’s we couldn’t find and trying to see what to get each other’s kids.

I don’t know how it came up but I ended up telling her about JW. I just told her I hadn’t told the kids and things yet. I told her we (well I was) were waiting to see how things went if it was going to be something or not. Then this covid crap happen and everything. That I was going to have to tell them soon.

She didn’t seem to sure at first, I told her that January would be a year for us. How he has been there for me and helped me. He got someone to tow me off 95 when I broke down. He got me the Christmas tree last year when I was going to have to go late after work. How he helps anyway he can. How good he is with the kids and wants to do things with them and be that guy in their life. Or that father figure. How he is excited for them to know talks about all he wants to do with them. But he understands why I haven’t told them and he is okay with it.

She wasn’t saying much but I could tell she was thinking. She said but what about this or that I told her. She asked if he had kids. I told her yes they are grown. She said how old is he? I told her only 42 she said oh okay. We talked a little more she seem to think it was good. The way she talked.

Today I called her why we were out to take and drop off the kids gifts and pick up mail. She said come in about an hour they were getting ready to eat. So we stopped by. He got out was helping me get their stuff out and give her. We stood there and talked for about an hour. I told her that I was not renewing my lease and that I was not taking her mother with me. I just told her no one knew yet but I wasn’t going to be staying around here. I wasn’t taking her with me. I told her we were looking at moving up by his kids. I told her rents here are crazy and I can’t afford to live here.

She understood she has been renting the same place longer than I have mine by about 3 years. She is worried they are going to rise her rent or tell her she has to move. She is only paying $825 i think she said. She is in a two bedroom condo. The ones around her are going for $1200. When I told her I could get a decent 3 bedroom house for that in January and now they are getting that for a 2 bedroom condo. That decent 3 bedroom houses are going for $1500 to $1600. She was shocked.

Later I called to see how the kids liked their gifts. And I thought of it ask her what the kids said about JW? They didn’t come out with this covid stuff and her baby and things. We had mask on and stood away from each other. But I said to her they will be asking granny who the guy was with me. She said no she told them and told them it was a secret for now. It should be okay they kept the secret about a new baby until my sister told. I didn’t either so I know she won’t say anything either.

We got there she seen my necklace I went over showed her. She looked then when I got closer she said oh wow that’s, that’s nice where did you get that or who got you that? I told her he got it for me for my birthday. She wasn’t sure what to say. She just looked at him surprised said really? I said yeah. He just smiled. She isn’t use to me having nice things like that unless it was stuff my dad gave me or a few things I got on ebay at a good price. Father of the year never bought me nice things like that. For no longer than we have been together for him to get me something like that. The fact that he could get me something like that and just do it not think anything of it. She had ask me the other night when we were talking if he had a job. I had just told her but she didn’t hear me. I told her yes he works 6 days a week over 60 hours a week. She said oh.

After she met him and we all talked today I think she liked him. I think she wasn’t sure what to think when we were talking the other night. She was young when me and Father of the year got together. She honestly never did like him would not stay if I wasn’t there even if the kids or others were there. I don’t think she ever met RC. She knows how things ended up with that. She don’t know why but when he isn’t around for 8 years what is anyone going to think of someone, you know.

I told him the other night I told her. He said told her what? I told him about him about us. He said really? What did she say? I told him not much really. He said she is going to say something won’t she? I said no she isn’t like that. He said oh okay. He seemed glad I had told her.

I showed her pictures of the cat’s was telling her about them. She asked who’s they were his? I told her no the one was mine. She just laughed. Asked where he was? I told her at his house. That I was kind of living between the two places. He told her I had stayed with him when I wasn’t here they thought I was at Bff’s house. He said yeah 6 or 8 months. I said 2. He was joking around. She seemed to like him. That is good.



{December 28, 2020}   Seen JW Today

I went over to JW’s house like I do every Sunday so we could do what we needed to do. He was just getting dressed when I got there. He said he was about to walk up to the little store to get coffee. He finished getting dressed said he had been up for a few hours. It was 11 something when I got there. I would of went earlier but normally he likes to sleep in and is still laying down when I get there at 11. He said the cats ran all over him and woke him up. He fell a sleep on the couch.

We got his stuff together and loaded up. I told him we would toss the stuff in to wash then go get coffee. I was sitting there on the couch and went to get up. He said oh yeah I almost forgot. He picked something up off the table. It was in a black bag. He said he was sorry he didn’t get to wrap it. He was so wore out when he got home the night before I couldn’t blame him. I opened the bag and pulled out what was inside. I sat back down on the couch. I was surprised. I open the box and there was a gold necklace with little diamonds all the way around it. I was very shocked. I took it out and was trying to put it on but couldn’t get it on. He sat beside me and help me put it on.

I wrote Look What I Got back in February. A month or so after we got together. He gave me the heart necklace back then. It was similar it had one side with CZ on it and it was silver in color. You can see a picture in the post. Well I got lectured by Little Bitty about wearing it in the shower. She said I was going to ruin it and mess it up. Well I guess After 11 months of wearing it 24\7 took its toll on it. It started turning and tarnished. I tried to clean it when I was staying with him and I think it made it worse. A week or two a go I took the charm off and put it on my keychain. I didn’t want to mess it up more.

I didn’t even know he noticed, he never said anything about me not wearing it. Today he said he was trying to decide what to get and he was thinking about earrings but didn’t know what I would wear or if I would. He hasn’t seen me wear any. I don’t wear them much. I lost one of the ones the kids gave me I use to wear.

I guess his friend said something about a necklace. He told him I had the one he gave me before but I hadn’t wore it in awhile. The chain kept getting messed up he thought it broke. He said he was going to walk to the shop by work but they were closed. So his friend went to the other one. He told him what to get. He couldn’t go with him because they both couldn’t leave work at the same time. He sent him some pictures he told him what one to get. It is so nice the picture really isn’t a good one. I can’t get a good one with the lighting. I will get a better one tomorrow. But I couldn’t wait to tell you all what he got me.

I will try to post a better picture tomorrow.

After we done laundry we went to the mall. My mom and the kids gave me money for my Birthday. They wanted me to find something. For myself I wanted. I do not normally shop at the mall there aren’t many stores a lot have closed and others are over priced. But I like to shop Sears and JCPenney’s. They have good sales some times. When I was in Penney’s right before Christmas they had some really good deals. I got my mom a $75 purse for $12. It was on sale half price then marked clearance.

I found a really nice sweater for work. It freezes in there almost year round. I wear my jacket but it isn’t comfortable. It is bulky. I had been looking at some at wal mart but they were thin, they had holes coming in them and had hoods on them. They were $15 to $20. I got this one for $25 it was on sale and I used their coupon I found on their site brought to half price. It was $50 to start with it is much nicer than what I had been looking at in the other store.

Again lighting is horrible it is messed up I forgot to buy a new one today.

I had a little bit of money left I wanted to go to this store by the house to see if I could find a outfit, purse shirt or something. It is in a plaza with other stores. As we were going past one he said he wanted to run in this one store why I went to the other he would come find me when he was done. I stopped and let him get out and went on to the other store. He came and found me in a little bit. We walked down to Tractor Supply.

We were walking around in there and he said my Christmas gift was in the truck. He was looking there to see if they had them there or not. He looked around and said no.

By now I am confused because like I said yesterday he wasn’t making since about needing to order but now got them at the other store. I asked him how did he find them if he had looked all over and had to order them? If they were at that store why he didn’t just get them? He said he got different ones or something like that. Oh I said to him he said he was ordering them yesterday why would he buy them now? He said they were different and he was going to order them tomorrow he wanted to look why we were out today.

We got outside he said my gift was in the back of the truck I had to come back there so he could show me What he got. I went to look he got me gnomes. One lights up say’s welcome then one that stands alone. They are cute.

He said he found some at Lowe’s but they had to be ordered. He said one was reading a book one was hunting or had a gun like he was. He said you like guns and to read a gnomes I thought it would be perfect. But they had been to a bunch of places and couldn’t find them they were order only. He was going to order them tomorrow but he had spent more than planned on the necklace so he was hoping to find them somewhere else. Then he found those today. I do like them. He could of just gave me the necklace for my birthday and Christmas he didn’t have to do that. The necklace is very nice and I know cost a little bit. I sure was not thinking that he was looking for gnomes. I can’t believe he remembered something like that and would think to get something like that.

After he gave me the necklace we were talking and I told him he didn’t have to do that or spend that much or something like that. He said you don’t know me very well. I wanted to do it and was able to. I love you.



{December 26, 2020}   He Got Me Something

About 12:30 he sent me a massage all excited telling me he got me something. I had fallen a sleep so I got it about an hour later. I said ok and that I told him not to worry about it. He never said anything until a few minutes ago when I asked him something. He hasn’t said anymore about it.

I didn’t get up to rush up there to get it I probably won’t get it until tomorrow when we go shopping. I don’t feel like getting ready and going out just for that. He is at work anyway so I won’t get to see him long anyway. I could go after he gets off but that won’t be until 8 tonight. I am truly in no rush to go get it. I am surprised he hasn’t said anything about coming to get it or so he can give it to me. If he does I am going to tell him I will get it tomorrow.

He was in no hurry to get it why should I be. I am not in a good mood today not because of this. I am in a shitty mood because of how things are with the bitch. I wish I was working today and not here. Can’t wait until Monday. I don’t have to be here and around her. Oh and he hasn’t said anymore about having to order “them” whatever “them” are. Who knows what he is doing or has done. All I really wanted no one wants or will get so.



This pretty much sums it up what JW done when it came to Christmas shopping. Well not for everyone just me I should say. This what has been bothering me for a bit now. At the same time feel it shouldn’t bother me and I am wrong because it does.

I started shopping weeks ago for Christmas. Like right after Thanksgiving. I picked up a lot of Little Bites stuff why we were grocery shopping. I have looked here and there for stuff each week. One weekend we went all over looking for stuff. Pawn shops, malls and other random stores. So he got to places and was able to shop. He picked up his gift for his family’s get together. He picked up a gift for the guy at works kid, his self and something for the dog.

What did I get for Christmas and/or my Birthday? Nothing at all. I was told he couldn’t shop because I am always with him when he gets to go. I told him many times if you want to shop go shop. I am not going to follow you call me or find me when you are done. I even go wait in the truck most likely because I only needed a few things or to check for something quick. He never did. He could of ask the guy at work to take him but didn’t. He said the guy at work was looking when he want shopping and went a few places. He told me at one point I could probably get them here but I don’t know where to find them. I said I am sure if you ask someone they can get it or tell you were in the store to find it. He says yeah true but i didn’t bring money with me. He keeps saying he has to order it but it was to late to get it before Christmas but he didn’t order it so it would be here by today or early next week. He is waiting to order it. But then if he can get it at the store why didn’t they just do that? I don’t know what is going on with it. He keeps saying he can’t find “them” I thought I may know what he was talking about even made a comment about seeing some at X store that night. I was going to buy them for my gift from the kids. But I had already spent more than I should of so I didn’t. I just said I had seen them and that was what I was going to do. But didn’t because I already spent money. He could of went got it or called his friend he has looking run and pick it up. The store is at the end of his block.

Then Christmas Eve he say’s yeah I am going to have to get you something Saturday and order your other things. Before it was he was getting these things whatever they are. Now it is he has to get some stuff at the store and order these things. If he was going to get stuff at the store why didn’t he just get it before? Why wait until after Christmas? I told him not to worry about it. He was like no I have to get you something.

My feelings on all of it was I was a little upset or disappointed.

I run my ass off to make Christmas nice for the kids and I want to don’t get me wrong. Normally they ask for money and to go shopping and get me something. This year being how it is I did all the shopping. I even bought their gifts to trade between each other for them. I picked up a couple books for myself because the little ones get upset if mom don’t have a gift. So i bought them wrapped them and put them under the tree. That is what I got. I am okay with that.

I was upset or bothered by what JW done because, I had all that to do and done it and still took the time to find him something nice. Track it down take time from work to go get it and everything. Get him something I know he could use and needed. He does nothing. It is Christmas and my Birthday and he does nothing. Oh I couldn’t find it i have to go to the store blah blah. It feels like an after thought or something I don’t know how to explain it. I know he is going to say he has to go get me something or order it again. I just want to tell him forget it everything is over with. I am sure he say he still wants to get me something i just want to tell him it isn’t the same now. I feel like I am wrong for feeling that way and that I shouldn’t say anything at all about it. At the same time I feel like I should. I feel like if he really tried and wanted to he could of had something in time. I know he had the money that wasn’t an issue.

I think he does care and he does love me. I do him and it isn’t about getting something back. But you know some times it is nice to be included in the holidays and feel like someone wanted to make you feel you were.

I keep thinking about when I was with father of the year how I would go out of my way to find him nice stuff and things he would like. He wouldn’t get me anything or if he did it be some little something he grabbed for a couple dollars so he could say he got something. No thought or effort put into it at all. How his family was the same way we would shop had to get his family nice stuff even if I didn’t buy for mine or have the money to do it. They would spend $100’s on him and hand me a candle from the $1 place or something.

I don’t know what to think or how to feel about what JW done. But I am hurt. I don’t know if it is just a guy thing they don’t see it as a big deal when they get it they run out of time or what. But then I know of a lot of guys that would of had something no matter what. Just like I made sure I had something for him. I just tell myself this is just how it is or going to be. At least I am happy and he is better about other things. I feel like just don’t expect anything at the holidays and why should it bother me that much it is no different than any other time. I feel like now I know how it is going to be I know not to go out of my way to get him stuff either then because it don’t matter. I feel like I am wrong for feeling that way.

I am stuck between feeling like I am living the past all over and this isn’t the same. This one is completely different than father of the year. Just not good with gifts or what. I am use to it so why does it bother me so much now? I guess I just want to feel he cares and not just be like its okay because I am use to it. It makes me question everything then. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel like I need that extra from him to make me feel that everything is okay. I hate feeling that way because I never did before. Like I said in my post I Don’t Like The Person They Have Turned Me Into I think it all comes down to that. I feel wrong for expecting more from him because of what someone else has done. Why should I it is my issues so just live with it it is what it is. Things are good enough. But I don’t want to feel things are just good enough. So how do I fix it without expecting more out of him? Why is it wrong for me to want him to go that extra for me if that is what I need and he cares? But how far extra should he have to go because of me and my issues?

I hate being so confused about how I feel and why. Or about what I want/need and what I feel about him and if I should or shouldn’t expect it from him?



{December 20, 2020}   I Hope He Likes It

I got JW a backpack for Christmas. He has one that I have been trying to get him to replace all year. He say’s there is nothing wrong with it. It is a mess, I don’t know how long he has had it but it is time for a new one. I am pretty sure he told me he got it out of a car at his old job and he hasn’t been there for a year or two. Who knows how long he had it before he stopped working there.

He just won’t buy things for himself. It is like pulling teeth to get him to buy clothes, shoes or anything if it is for him. I start throwing stuff away he has to go get something. We go to wash clothes he tells me don’t throw stuff away while I am loading/unloading the truck. So I don’t, I toss it while I am gathering everything up. He told his boss the other week he needed new work shirts because I threw his away because they were so messed up. When they come out of the wash not looking any better than when you put them in and they don’t feel clean. It is time for them to go. She gave him 2 or 3 more.

I had no idea what to get him for Christmas. I thought of his backpack and he won’t buy one. I started looking and good lord batman, have you seen the prices of good decent backpacks? And something that isn’t kid size? I didn’t find anything I liked I thought he would like for under $60 and that was settling not even really getting what I would of like to get. The others were like $100 and up. And nothing special about them just because of the name or the store that is selling them. If I found one I wanted at good price it was sold out or something.

The other morning I had the idea to look at the Army Surplus stores around me. I looked them up and clicked on the first one to see what they had. I was surprised they had nice stuff at decent prices. I have never been in one of these stores or on their sites so I had no clue what to expect. I found two I liked.

I liked the all black on and I liked the black or green one in the 2nd picture. I decided against the green I just couldn’t see him using it everyday. His now is all black but he found it didn’t pick it so couldn’t go by that really. I ask a few people they both said different things. I finally went with the bottom one. I hope he likes it but if he don’t I will take him to trade it for a different one. I don’t mind i want him to have something he likes.

The backpack is what I had to go pick up before work yesterday. I bought it online but told them not to ship I would pick it up Saturday. I got it and went straight to work. I took it in with me and took it out and checked it out. I really like it. I think he will too.

He keeps saying he has to get me something but I am going to be with him. I told him I will go shop he can find me when he is done. He keeps asking what I want I really don’t know what to tell him. I don’t like telling people what I want. One they never get anything close to it and 2 I don’t want to tell people here buy me this. Those should be switched around. Not that they need to buy what you say. But when they ask then get something like it but different then say. I didn’t get the other one because I didn’t like it. I liked this one better. Why ask if you are going to get what you want anyway? If I say I like x that is what I like. I didn’t say z because it isn’t what I like. I just hate it because what they bought will probably never or hardly get used because it won’t work for me, hints why i said what i did. And i don’t want to trade it or they get upset you do. But then get upset if you don’t use what they gave you.

When I buy a gift I take time to try to put thought into it make it something personal they like, need, want or something that is just them. Not I got you this because I needed to get you something and I liked it. So if someone is going to get me something they know me get me something you think i would like or use. What makes you think of me? I have bought lots of gifts I did not like or wouldn’t use or buy for myself or home. But I knew the person I was getting it for it was perfect they would love it and use it.

But anyway, I think after picking it up he will like it and use it. The picture made it look unsure. I like it for him.



{December 14, 2020}   Abuse Is Love

In my last post I said I wasn’t sure what was worse in an abusive relationship, not feeling loved or feeling abuse was love? I think what is worse is when one feels that abuse is love.

I think that feeling abuse is just how one shows love or that it is normal is worse and more damaging. For the one’s who feel it is normal are the one’s who fall back into abusive relationship after another. Or stay to long or all together and don’t try to leave. For whatever reasons this is how their brain has been wired. Maybe they grew up in abusive household were they seen this between mom and dad. This was their normal. They for whatever reasons wasn’t shown love in life to know the difference. Maybe they didn’t grow up with seeing abuse or being around it and they just ended up with the wrong person and they have convinced them this is what love is.

Whatever the reason they find their self in this kind of situation or ending up in them repeatedly isn’t their fault. No matter what one has or hasn’t been through, being abused is not their fault. No one for any reason deserves to be abused. They weren’t asking for it nor did they do anything to cause it. The real problem lyes with in the abuser.

Then you have other’s who find their self in an abusive relationship, while they don’t feel love they know this is not right. They know they need to get out and away. They know that this is not what love is. They just have to figure out how to get out of it and away without making things worse. Once they do they shy away from relationships and pull out that microscope when they think maybe they are ready for one. It takes them awhile to let anyone get close or let anyone in.

But their down fall is they know what it is like to not feel loved and they don’t want others to feel that way. So they sometimes attract the wrong kind of people. They attract others who have been hurt and unloved. Some of them may be abusers too. While they may get close and feel the fire they also see a lot through that microscope and keep them at just enough distance. They have figured out how to set boundaries. So they play with the fire but don’t jump into it. While they still may get hurt it is more feelings and not abuse like in the past.

But when they finally find that one and they let them in they are all in. But they like I said before have their partner under the scope and looking to much into things. They hopefully realise it is more their self than their partner.

We have to know that we have our partner under that scope. When we see something that triggers us, we have to step back and ask ourselves why. Not move in for the kill and blow up on our partner. We have to ask ourselves are we triggered because of things from the past? If so we have to take the past out of it and look at here and now. Look at our partners as our partners. Not as our ex’s. Then we have to look at what it was that triggered us and ask ourselves the past aside in the here and now with this person. Is this really that big of a problem? If so why and work it out.



After reading those old post and writing 4:30 A.M. I started thinking about JW. I just wanted to get up and go over there and crawl inbed and be held.

I snuggled in my big quilt and laid here in the dark thinking. My thoughts went back to wanting to be held and feel safe. I just had this feel come over me and the thought of how greatful I am for JW and the way he treats me.

Then I though not greatful but Thankful? But both just felt weird to say or feel. As I looked for the right word to describe how I felt and thought I just couldn’t think of it.

Then it came to me. It is both greatful and thankful and loved I was feeling. I guess thankful and greatful struck me as off to describe how I felt about him. Because isn’t it odd to be thankful the man you are in a relationship with don’t abuse you?

I mean isn’t that just one of those unspoken this is how it is supposed to be things in a relationship? Isn’t it assumed when you agree to be with someone or decide to be that no one is going to abuse any one? That leaves nothing on the table to have to be thankful for.

But I guess with someone like me who has been in an extremely abusive relationship that idea of what can or might or will happen is always on the table. Even if only in our subconscious and we don’t realize it.

So when we find someone who don’t do these things we are thankful. And it just feels so weird to use because it is not a feel we should have to feel. We should of never been abused the first time around. When we were it took things away from us.

We can’t just have a normal relationship. We can’t just love and be loved. We can’t just have a disagreement and everything is fine. Because our brains have been rewired to feel all things that happen in a relationship are bad. That they are about being lied to, yelled at, hit and so much more. That we aren’t really loved or that that is love. I don’t know which of those two are worse really. I think probably thinking that that is love, being abused is being loved. (That is another post in its own)

When our brains have been rewired in such a way, subconsciously we always look at everything different than those who have not been abused. I have said it before our poor partners are under a microscope. We are looking extra hard trying to figure out their motivation is for doing whatever they done. Because in our minds they didn’t do it just to be nice because they love us. In our minds they don’t really love us either so there is no way they did it because of that. We have their love under that scope too looking for why? Because the last person who said it was only out for their self. This one must be too. We can’t be stupid like we were before and fall for it this time too. So we crank in even more with that microscope and look even harder.

So if and when it hits you like it did me last night it don’t feel right to us. It feels wrong to feel loved. It feels uncomfortable. All while feeling slightly good. You want to be able to feel it, you want to let go and open up and really let that other person and what they have to offer in and believe them. But how do you do that when it feels so uncomfortable or bad almost?

Before I go let me just say, I have never thought or worried for a minute that JW would ever treat me anywhere close to how I was treated when I was married. But as I said when you come from something like that subconsciously it is always there until if and when you can have that moment of this is okay.



{December 9, 2020}   Reflections on 2020

On t.v. this morning they were talking about what a horrible year it has been and how they can’t wait for New Years. It is all over online as well. How they all hope 2021 is a better year. After I dropped JW off at work for some reason it popped into my head. It got me to stop and really think about this year and how it has affected me.

I have to truly say that this year over all has been one of the best so far, for me and the kids. I have dealt with some shit for sure. But over all the accomplishments out weigh the rest.

I was able to finally get the vehicle I have wanted for so long the star of the year. I didn’t have to rush out and buy something because I was in a jam. I was able to take a little bit of time to really look around for what I wanted in good shape at a price I could afford. That is what I did, I found a truck in great shape, well taken care of and at a price I could not pass up. Even after the 10,000 miles I put on it and it being a year older I can still turn around and double my money if I wanted to.

As you all know I lost my full time day job in March. But I moved right into full time the next day at my part time job. Doing that has let me gain experience in accounting and billing in addition to dispatching where I started out. So when I go somewhere else I have that experience to offer.

By deciding to not get a 2nd job right away it has given me a break this year. It was much needed after working 65 hours a week 5 or 6 days a week for over a year. I now work a pretty normal 9 to 5 type hours. All though I took a pay cut losing one job and going full time at the other I have maintained the house and all my bills this past year on my owen. All while keeping a nice little chunk of money in the bank up until now. While in the past I normally get into a jam and need to borrow money once or twice a year. I haven’t borrowed any this year. It may not seem like a lot to most it is a great feeling to me.

With schools all being such a mess with this covid it made me go ahead and pull my little ones out and bring them home. They had been asking but working so much I was worried about it. I was worried they wouldn’t do it and it would be a fight. But they are doing it and like it. I see them all growing closer together again like they were. They aren’t fighting as much. My little ones don’t seem so stressed out and tired like when they were in school. Little Bitty is even working above grade level. I think we will keep with it.

I checked into buying a house a while back. My credit score was to low. They said it would take at least a year to get where I needed to be. My highest score was 603 the other two were in the high 500s. I need at least a 620 on my middle score. I opened my first credit card ever. That brought my score up a good amount and I haven’t even made my first payment. My high score is now 627 my middle is 616. My low is only 580 and don’t seem to be budging. I have also opened a kick off account that has boost them some. I am researching what else i need to do to get it higher. See what I can get off my credit. But if I am that high right now imagine what it will be when I get ready to buy one and the deals i will get I hope.

I think the best part of this year so far is getting back in touch with JW and where that has gone. I know we have had some up and downs, I should say I have had some ups and downs. We have only really had one real fight. Most of it has been me and my problem as I said in my other post. I really do think he loves me, probably more than anyone has. He has been there when I needed him most and just holds me when I am a emotional nightmare and I don’t even know what is wrong.

He has been understanding with the kids and that they come first and everything I do how it is going to effect them has to be considered. He understands sometimes I have to drop everything to handle things with them, deal with them or what. Sometimes I feel bad like it isn’t fair to him. I say sorry or something about it he just says babe I understand it’s the kids they come first. He really is caring, loving and sweet.

He has really been my rock when I needed it. He don’t think twice about stepping up and doing whatever it is that I need him to do. If something happens he is the first person I call. If I am just having a hard time or bad day I just want to be with him. I just feel better when we are together. He will be sitting on the couch watching tv and I lay my head on his lap and just fall a sleep. I just so calm and relaxed. He sat there one afternoon for several hours and just let me sleep. I wasn’t planning to go to sleep i was just laying there talking to him. I woke up said something about falling a sleep how long had I slept? He told me. He said I wanted to get up but you were sleeping so good I didn’t want to wake you. He said because he knew I hadn’t been feeling good or sleeping. That was when I was so bad after taking those birth control pills and was so mentally out of it. I just cry and cry. The fact I even went to him and let him see me that way says a lot. I would never with anyone else. I would of hid it just like I do at work and home. But I didn’t feel like I had to do that or wanted to. I wanted to be with him, I just wanted him to hug me and hold me.

He does somethings that makes me question things or feel some kind of way. But again when I really step back it is more my issue than something he did or said. I have noticed too he just says things without thinking about how it sounds or comes across. Not that he is trying to mean it bad it’s just poor wording.

He has put up with me for just under a year and I haven’t scared him away. He may really be in it for the long haul. I hope so because I think he is a keeper.

Bring it on I am ready for another great year.



{December 8, 2020}   We Made A Plan

One day last week was when I was talking to Sleeping Beauty and figured out what was really wrong. I haven’t gotten to talk to JW about it as of yet. But we did get together Sunday. I went to get him so he could go shopping and things.

He was still sleeping when I got there so I laid down with him. In a little bit he woke up we spent some time together. We finally got up got ready and left. I went to this little out of the way store to check it out and when we left we wanted a drink. I stopped at a little store but then thought lets go get something to eat. I just wanted to sit down have a talk. I was either way didn’t matter to me if we ate or not. So I ask him if he wanted to go eat he said yes. So we didn’t even get a drink we headed down a few blocks to go eat. He seen a car show wanted to go. He wanted to eat first. So we went in to have breakfast.

I think he brought up trying to find a place to move together. He was talking local. I told him I didn’t want to do that anymore. That I didn’t feel it was best at this point. He looked funny and kind of worried.

I have been looking since the first of the year to find something with no luck. Now I am 3.5 months or so from my lease being up. Even if we found something by the first I am so close to my lease being up it don’t make since to have that fight with getting out of my lease. AND if we get into a lease right now we will be in it for a year. Meaning moving away is put on hold again. My big reason for not wanting to do it. If we didn’t we would be leaving on another lease that would be two back to back and that would not look good.

I asked him did he still want to move up by his kids? He said yes he would like to. I told him I think I need to at this point suck it up stay where I am and when my lease is up at the end of March we need to get out of here. He wasn’t looking to sure about that. I told him I can have between $8,000 and $10,000 by then. Plus I have money every month coming in. We can go get a place pay rent up a few months what I have coming in monthly will pay bills. If he saves between now and then we will have that money as well. We talked about him moving in with me after the first that will save over $1000 right there. I am thinking about finding a 2nd job after Christmas until we go. I can put all that in the bank and not touch it. He already works all day everyday Monday-Saturday so no time for him to get another job.

I hope he don’t make an excuse or something when the time comes. I have made my mind up I am going with or without him. If he does me that way. I will just call my friend J and tell her get ready make room we are on our way and go to South Carolina instead of Georgia. It don’t matter to me where I go as long as I am out of here.

But I think he is onboard he even said he think it be best because we can’t afford to live here. He wanted to keep rent $1000 or under. Last few times we talked he was like I told so and so if he seen anything for $1300 or less. But really we are going to have to pay at least $1500 a month if we stay here. He is starting to see how it is because I have been looking at places to live up around where we are looking to go and i can still find decent stuff in the $800 range. New and a lot nicer than where we are right now. If we went for something in the $1000 range we can get a huge place. Enough room no one can complain. For $900 to $1000 I can get 5 bedroom. I would like for the kids to have their own rooms.

I feel good we have a plan because like I told him if we don’t decide this is what we want to do when we want to go how and when all we are ever going to do. Until we are stuck here with no money and homeless because we can’t afford anything. Rent has went up $500 since January. I can’t imagine what it will be here by March when my lease is up. They are getting $800 for a bedroom in someone’s house. It is unreal how bad it has gotten.



et cetera
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