Back to Back Court Dates

Today I was bored and nothing was going on so I decided to check child support site. I checked my case with RC and it said they issued a court date yesterday.

I looked on their site and it didn’t show. I went to the clerk of courts and it did not come up on there either. The one for father of the year still is not showing up either. I have not received a letter for it.

I went back to the child support case and clicked to chat with someone there. After a million tries I was finally able to. They were kind of rude but finally said court was at 12 in the north court house. We have to be there on 3/2.

I was a little confused because these cases are held in the South court house. But then I remembered that this case has to go infront of the judge to start with because of the DNA and all that. So I guess they handle it in the north court house. I am sure it will end up in the South once it is all done.

The north court house is much closer and easier to get to so I don’t mind. The South one is over 30 miles away and I have to be there at 8:30am. The drive sucks and takes forever with work and school traffic.

I am not worried about the one with RC. I am sure he will probably phone in since he is up there. But even if he wasn’t the thought of seeing him don’t bother me.

But I am dreadding the one with Father of the Year. I do not want to be around him or see him again. I hate that sick panic fight or flight feeling I had once he got there. I think my friend JW is going to go with me. We were talking about it today he said something about he hoped I didn’t feel that way this time or something. I said me too but I figure I will. I was going to ask my friend to go but I have not talk to him in a long time. I think he is mad at me. I said I will suck it up go and find a little spot between two people to sit. That’s what I done before.

He asked when it was I told him. He said he could go with me if I wanted him to. I told him he did not have too but it would be nice that I didn’t want him to get in trouble at work. He said he wouldn’t he wanted to go with me. I hope he can go. I really do not want to be there alone. I don’t know anyone else to ask to go with me. Bff said she would but she did last time then didn’t. She has to have kids to school and things as well I don’t know how she would go.

It’s really nice of him to offer to go with me seeing he has to miss work and pay to do it. I will pay him what he missed once I get the behind amount I’m owed. I know he don’t want it or expect it. But it means a lot to me and I want him to know.

I know it probably sounds stupid that I don’t want to go alone or that I want him to go with me. It’s court, but I can’t help the way I feel. I shouldn’t have to go do this and feel that way while trying to do it. I hardly ever well really never have anyone help me or with me as support. Sometimes we all need that emotional or moral support when we have been through things. Abuse is a huge thing to go through come out of and not have some issues from it. If this is the worst I need help with then I think I am doing really fucking good and proud of myself for working through the bulk of it. I was even considering asking my one boss from my day job to go with me. That is how bad I have been dreading it.

Thinking Ahead

There are a lot of decisions to be made in the next few months. Some will not happen until 5 or 6 months down the road but need to have a good idea and grasp on things now as to what we are going to do. This way we can get things set in motion in order for it to all play out with as little interruptions as possible. Few major things to think about and plan for such as………

The truck I got screwed on. Fix it with new motor then sell? Buy brand new truck that will last me forever? Fix it and keep it? Fix it give it to my oldest?

I have no idea but have to decide and do something now or soon. Because I can’t leave it sitting much longer and need the extra seating soon now more than when I bought it.

To move away this year or stay another year? If I move when? If I stay here then I have to decide do I want to stay where I am or move somewhere different? House wise that is. I have the best set up with the kids school being right there. But the house isnt great and I am tired of dealing with the managment team. It isnt worth what I am paying rent is going to go up again. But will I find anywhere cheaper the same size in better shape? How will the school set up be?

If i move away or here where am I going to move to? Stay in the same area here or make a big change? If I move away do I go where my friend is or other family or somewhere all together different?

How is that going to effect the huge change I just made last week? How do I handle it and all that goes along with it in between all that is coming up and going on?

I have no idea what I am going to do or how to move ahead at this point. Most the time I am full force straight ahead.

I am going to really have to think about it all and figure it all out. I need to look back at my goals I set last year see what I have done and what still needs to be done. Set some new ones and fix some old ones.

Topic Of The Day—Day 2 What Attracts You In Love

I wanted to get this up and going the first week of the month but I have been a little distracted with life and all that comes with it. Some good, some bad but getting through and doing alright. That’s other post later on. But since I didn’t get to really start last week we will get the ball rolling now.

So what does attract you when it comes to love?

This was a hard one for me for a long time and I think I have just come to really figure it out and even out a little bit. I have never been one to really judge anyone where ever they were at in life if they were trying and progressing in some way. I would consider or give a lot of people chances. not because I’m desperate or can’t get anyone but just because I know what it is like to be in hard spots, fall on tough times and know how hard it is to claw your way out of them sometimes.

But at the same time I think that I was maybe a little to understanding, over looked a little to much and helped make excuses. I do believe that everyone can move from where they are and move up if they want it bad enough and look in the right places. But you quickly learn that most are where they are because they are happy there and it is what works for them. Even if it isn’t that great. They have no desire or drive to have more. In order to have more they would have to put in more of an effort and get up and do something. Like maybe get a better job where they are working more than a few hours a week, or somewhere they make more money or they may need to get a 2nd job for a while.

It isn’t easy to pull yourself out of a bed spot. But when I look at where I was, where I have been, how far I have come and the fact that I have basically done it on my own, I can’t feel sorry for anyone or make excuses for anyone really. Because if I can do it then there is no reason a grow man not taking care of anything but himself can’t. I know a lot of single dads who are doing it as well who have their kids full time as well.

That is what really made it hit me one day. I was at the store and two or three grown men come up asking me for money. I am just looking at them like they have lost their minds. Most have nothing wrong with them but they need their next fix, you can tell. It made me mad I work my ass off they are doing this want want money. Then I started looking at others and where they are and what they are doing and where they were and how far they have or haven’t come and it is like is anyone really trying? It changed my views thoughts and opinion on a lot of things.

Anyway back to topic at hand here. What attracts you?

I am looking for someone that first and for most they have to have goals, ambitions or whatever you call them. I am always changing and always growing and always striving to do better, be better, have better. I like to do new things, try new things, change things up. I don’t want the best of the best, or feel like I need to be better than anyone or have better than anyone. I am happy with who I am and what I have at this point in life because I know it isn’t all there is and that if and when I want something different I can make that happen.

It is more about not being happy just existing, not being happy with just getting by or just mundane doing the same thing over and over again. You have to have a purpose in life or it just has no meaning. If someone don’t have that it is a no go for me. I can’t drag someone around or pull them up when they have no desire for anything more than what they are doing. I also can’t be happy just joining them where they are and sitting.

I want someone who is on level with me or damn near close. I do care where you are what you are doing where you came from how far you have come and what you are doing to keep going and get better do better have better or what.

I want someone that understands my kids come first and have to because I am all they have.

I need someone who is going to ask questions and wants to understan where I am coming from why I do what I do. Someone who I can have conversations with and get somewhere not just small talk.

I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them give them or have.

I want someone that wants a family not just a fling or girlfriend.

I Find It Funny

How do guys meet you and think it’s great that you “aren’t like the rest” But then try their damnedest to get you to screw around with them, or “help” them out.

It’s like okay are you not listening? Do you know how stupid you sound and look? Do I look desperate to you? What is it that makes you think that your so great or special that we just met, started talking or been talking and I am going to just say oh what the hell and do it? Especially when we aren’t even talking a relationship or interested in one. They say they just want to see where it goes, just want to be friends, not looking for a relationship. You tell them what your looking for and they still think your just going to make an expression or change your mind for them.

I know it’s the sliver of hope they have and it’s the fun of trying. But dang, I think I would get tired of trying and feel like an idiot for trying after a while. It never crosses my mind to even keep trying if I know someone really isn’t interested. I guess that’s why guys and women are so different.

As bad as the other one telling me you really aren’t like the rest. But you just don’t get how this works. You need to………….

Yes I know how it works and I have no desire to play that game. I have no need to.

Took Time For Myself

I had not been out in months, probably 4 or more. All my time lately has been at work or out with the kids doing something with them. I was starting to feel irritated and in a bad mood all the time. I didn’t want to be at work, I didn’t want to be at home or around the kids. If you are a parent I am sure you know that feeling when you haven’t had a break and your busy with no time to yourself.

My “friend” messaged me during the week and asked if I wanted to go out for a while. I told him I couldn’t go out until Saturday around 8. I never go out on Saturday but I needed the break and figured that by 8 the kids would be settled. We had plans during the day and I figured I would take them to dinner. By 8 they could settle for the night watch movies and play until they went to bed.

I got home and out around 7 and messaged him to see what he was doing. He said he wasn’t ready he was just starting to get ready. I told him that was fine. I had a few things to take care of to let me know when he was done. I went and put my check in the bank and stopped at the pharmacy. He told me he was ready and asked if I wanted to meet at his house and take his car? So I went over there.

We ended up going up to the pool hall having a few drinks, played some pool and talked. We went back to his place and talked for a while and I was home by 11. But it was a nice relaxing night and a much needed break.

I think I am going to see if others want to go shoot some games of pool or darts maybe once a week or every few weeks. I use to be so good at pool and now I am horrible at it. But I love to play. Darts I have never played out anywhere just at houses but had a lot of fun playing. It be better than going and sitting listening to a bunch of people that can’t sing and eating all the time. I am going to ask around tomorrow see who would be interested in going.

Can’t Offer You More

I have talked about my good friend on here a lot, not to long ago in my postĀ You Prefer People Like Me. We talk a lot and back years ago he told me he liked me he had always liked me but thought I wouldn’t be interested in him back in the day. I had liked him and was interested but I wasn’t one to say anything if they didn’t. This all came up when I was going through my divorce and he was separated from his wife and filing for divorce.

It was never really said as a I’m interested or want anything more now kind of thing. We were just talking about the past how we grew up, when we met back in 3rd grade then losing touch for so long and meeting back up again later on. He said something about liking me and still liking me when we started talking again when we were in like Jr. High and High school. He said he didn’t think I would ever be interested in him or some one like him. He always just watched from a distance. I told him I had been interested in him too. But that he never seemed to be in me so I didn’t think anything of it or to say anything.

We were friends and close when we first met when we were kids. There was a group of 3 or 4 of us that always played together every day and say together at school and things. Then we lost contact for a few years and ended up back at the same schools in Jr. High and High school we were friends but not as close as we had been. We seen each other and talked and things but didn’t hang out as much. Then after we got out of school we started talking more and it just kind of went from there and we have gotten pretty close again as friends. But over the last several years he has made it known he is interested in more. we talk and joke and things. He is that one person that I can tell anything to and go to for anything and if he can will help in anyway. But he is like me he is always busy and most always working.

When I am having a ruff time I will message him and we will get together and talk. even if just for a few minutes. He is the one that came over the night I was upset abut my dad and drank all day. I posted then about A Good Friend. I think that is when I really started talking about him on here.

 

That says it all, when I am having a ruff time I don’t even have to be that bad but he will come over and give me a hug and I can’t help it. It’s like he is that one comfort person that I can just let it all go and be venerable with. No matter what is going on. He don’t judge or make me feel like I am wrong for the way I feel or that it is my fault or that I shouldn’t feel that way. He will say yeah they are assholes or your doing all you can or whatever. He don’t sugar coat things either he will tell me I’m wrong or I’m being a bitch or whatever if I am. But he will help me figure out what is going on and what to do about it or how to handle it. Just let me vent when I need to.

But then he is always making comments about how things are at home and how he caught her cheating or talking to other guys, sending other guys pictures and things. A while back he was talking about divorce and she don’t do anything or take care of the kids and he is worried about them. I know she don’t I have been to their house and seen it. I can’t believe how it is and that she lives that way. I can’t believe he does either but like he said he is working 7 days a week. 12 to 16 hour days over night and then has to come home clean, cook, take care of kids and maybe get a few hours sleep if he is lucky. She works a normal 35 to 40 hour week but don’t cook or anything. I have heard her tell people before when they say something about having 3 or 4 little boys. Being busy and things she says he does it all I just see them a little before they go to bed.

Back in June he is wanting to hook up and hang out and things when I said something about going out and trying to meet someone. I told him he knew that wasn’t what I was looking for and things. He said he knows but that is all he can offer right now and his responsibilities and not just walking away from them. I wouldn’t expect him to do that. But I am not into “hooking” up and “hanging” out either. I want more and need more. Even if I didn’t I am not interested in that with him, not at this time. No mater what things are like an no matter how much I know about the way things are and the way they are with their relationship I am not looking to be in that situation with anyone. There is no doing anything if they are married or seeing someone, with someone. Just not what I am looking for or how I am.

He said it wouldn’t just be hooking up or a cheap whatever. I do have love for you, I just like I said have other things I have to take care of and can’t offer a relationship or what. I told him I can’t. We can be friends we can hangout, go out or what but it can’t be anything more than friends. He says he knows and he understands. Like anyone else we talk, joke around and make comments here and there. But then he sends me things like…….

ThisĀ  talking about wanting to cook dinner together every night fall asleep together watching tv. wake up to morning sex, late night conversations and traveling the world together.

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to take that? What is he trying to get me to say? What does he want me to say?

Dose he want me to say go ahead and divorce her so we can be together? That I want him have feelings for him? Want to give this a try and see where it goes? That we will be together forever if he does? That I want the same with him? If not them what does he think sending it is going to accomplish? He already said he can’t offer these things.

To be honest I don’t know that I would want a relationship with him if he wasn’t with her or if they did get divorced. I wouldn’t rush into anything with him just as I wouldn’t and haven’t with anyone. As much as I want more and want a relationship and something that is going to last.

It would be hard because we have known each other for so long, know each other so well and know what each other have been through and where we are coming from. It would be so easy to just say okay lets be together and just do it. But then at the same time getting together in a relationship is a whole different level. We are great as friends but that don’t mean it is going to be great if we are together and going to last. But then you do know each other and know everything it is hard to not just rush into things. It don’t leave much to get to know about each other or what. How do you take it slow when you already know everything?

But I also know we are so much a like we may kill each other if we tried to be more. I think if it ever came to that between us I would be the one talking about lets just see how things go, see what happens. As much as I hate that and hate being told that, with him I think it would be the best approach because I know how he is.

But to get things like that out of no where when your not even thinking about that kind of thing with them and wouldn’t consider it because of circumstances and the things they have said leaves me a little confused.

A Good Man To Help

I was talking to Pops at work yesterday or the day before and we were talking about things with the kids and bills and all that. He said now all you need is a good man to help you.

I just looked at him he said what really. Your doing so good you turned things around and getting ahead. You just need someone to help you now you your going places. But you need a good one.

I laughed I said yeah I don’t think that is out there anymore.

He said it is, it will find you.

I just looked at him again.

He says there are some still left out there, just be patient. It will happen.

I said yeah one day I guess.

I would love to meet someone but I go back and forth if I think I will or not. I don’t I know I do but I tell myself forget it, there are no decent ones out there. But I know there are I do. I look at the people I work with at my two jobs, it’s all guys at both. I look at guys I meet out and about. They are so different, it’s life we all live right around the same area why did they come from why don’t I run into guys like this when I am out and about? What do they all stay home locked up in their houses? I just don’t get it.

 

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