Update 29 January/February 2023/ Therapy and Divorce

So here we were in the middle of January almost the end and JW had done nothing about the divorce. I brought it up a few days before his vasectomy going to do it going to do it he says. I asked him if he was sure if he still wanted to do it the way things were? He said yes. Few days later he did it.

4 or 5 days later I asked him about it again. He said he was going to get to it. I asked him when because it was already the end of the month only a week or so left. He said something about what did that have to do with anything? I said because that was the agreement we made over a month ago. He had more than enough time to have started it. He hadn’t even tried to find out what paperwork he needed. Much less sent them to her and got them back so he could file it.

He had talked to her and she had no problem singing it and doing it. She said if he paid for it she would drop the child support as well.

He just said he would get on it and take care of it. I said what about the fact that it isn’t going to be filed before the end of the month? He started about why that matter and it was getting done it wasn’t a big deal.

I told him yes it was an extremely big deal it was more than just the divorce. The big deal was he doesn’t do anything when he is supposed to. It takes day, months or a year. He said things were going to change it wasn’t going to be that way anymore. He was going to prove it he would have this taken care of by then. Here we are time up and he still hadn’t done anything. So it hasn’t changed he just said what he felt I wanted to hear to end the fight.

I said something about just being done with all this. What’s that mean? You want to break up? I said I think so because nothing has changed and nothing is going to. That’s how you feeling and what you want and right after I did this, (the vasectomy), he says? I said don’t go there I asked you the other day right before you did this if you were sure you wanted to with things the way they are. You said yes and went and done it.

I finally just said will you go to therapy with me? He said I told you I would. I said no you told me yeah maybe you would think about it. Then never said anything else again after that. He said I will go.

I said ok because we are going to go and work on this and things are going to change. if not or they don’t once we do then we are not going to be together. Okay I understand and want to be with you I love you I really did this for you and want us to be together. I said okay then I will find out what I need to do.

That was like Wednesday or Thursday. Friday I came home from my appointment and said be ready at 3:30 next week I will pick you up on my way she is going to see us both for a bit. He looked surprised but said okay. I was waiting on him to say something about how fast it was or what. I was just going to say yes it was because when I say I am going to do something or take care of something I do. Not wait days, weeks, months or a year later. But he didn’t.

This week will be 5 out of 6 session. That is another post.

The divorce papers finally got emailed off last night. Now we just have to wait for her to print them, signed and notarized. Then they have to be snail mailed back because he has to file the original copies.

Update 25 December 2022 Part 2/ New Job and Divorced?

JW finally quit his new job he got after leaving the seafood place and got another one. The other was a joke, they cut his hours and weren’t paying him that much at all. They cut his hours on the days he could work then wanted him to work the days they agreed would be his days off when he went there. Then they would be like oh we need help on this day and it will give you extra hours. He was like well we do need the extra hours. I said no we don’t need the extra hours, we need them to give you the hours you are supposed to be getting on the days you are supposed to get them. Then if they needed you to come in once in a while to help and you were available that would be extra hours. I said but when they cut your hours just to try to force you to come in on your days off is not giving you extra hours. In order to get extra hours you have to of been given the hours you are supposed to have first. We are not playing that game. They do this and they are hoping you all will go oh yeah extra hours and jump on it. Thinking oh they are trying to give me extra hours. They aren’t.

He went to the little store over by where he use to live and talked to the manager there. The manager knew of him from us always going in there. He told him he would like to have him there working and could work with his days and hours. He said he could count on at least 30 hours a week probably more. He said he could give him $1 more an hour. But he could not start him until he quit at the other store because of them being competitor’s. He told him to come in the next day and apply and get his paperwork done. Let them know what his last day at the other store would be and he would put him on the next schedule after that. So that is what he did and went over there a week or so before Christmas. He fixed it so he worked a couple days that week so he would get a check his first payday there. Then after that he had 40 hours a week for a while. He gave him Christmas off as well. He told him he already had plans that we had flown his mom in and this was the first time she was here for the holidays in years. He said that was not a problem he had enough people who wanted to work. He did tell him if he would like to do an over night shift or late evening shift he could to let him know. Because they get time and a half for the holidays and an extra $1 an hour late in the evening and over night. He also started him at $2 more and hour than what he was making at the other store because of the experience he had.

So one night I went to pick him up and his mom went with me, we were sitting in the van talking. We were talking about how he just lets everything go and don’t do anything about anything unless he wants something different. But over all he just don’t worry about anything or take care of anything. He ignores it and whatever happens happens. She said I know he did it with something else and how she had to make him get a job when she went and got him and he moved back down here. She said did he ever get his divorce finalized? I said yeah, he said he did, he better have! Because as I am saying this I am thinking wait did he? Is he divorced? I said why? She said he was having some issue with it before I didn’t know if he did or not. He had to do this or that. Why she is saying this I am thinking even more and it is clicking that he isn’t divorced. I didn’t say anything.

But I thought about it his child support case said to establish child a child support order not to enforce one. If they were divorced there would of been one they would be enforcing it not establishing one. I thought about his ex and the guy she left him for, how they had been together for years. From the time they split or before up until a year or two ago. But they never got married. The way she is and if you are going to be with someone that long I would think they would of gotten married. I thought they said they had been engaged at some point so why didn’t they ever get married? Probably because she couldn’t. I came home and started looking for a divorce in the county where they lived and she still lives. I looked back for years and could not find one anywhere. All I could find was some one sued her or something.

That night when we went to our room and could talk away from everyone, I asked him about it, he said yes he got one. I asked if he had the paperwork? He said no, I said did you have a court date? Again he said no. I said then how do you know you are? He said she called and told me she was going to file it and take care of it all. I said did she send you any paperwork to sign for it. Again no. I said ok you are not divorced. He said yeah we are. I said no you are not. If you were then why did you not get any paperwork to sign, a court date or a final judgment? I don’t know maybe she listed it in the news paper. I said no she didn’t. I said I can tell you are not, because they established an order for support not enforce one, there is no court case for a divorce for you two anywhere in the county where you all lived or she lived and there isn’t one here because she can’t file here. He said he didn’t know or what he thought they were. I was not happy at all. I would of never gotten with him if I had known he wasn’t divorced. I would of told him no if he wanted to get together he better get it filed and finalized come talk to me when it was.

I was mad he could tell, he said what now your mad about that. I said yes I am, I wouldn’t of ever done this had I known. He didn’t say anything for a bit. I rolled over the other way and didn’t say anything. He said I can’t believe you are that upset about it, we haven’t been together forever we may as well be. Haven’t you ever dated someone that was separated before? I said no I have not and would not. I said the closes I have they had already filed for a divorce and was waiting on the court date. Oh he says. Then he says you are really that worried about it? What are you scared I am going to run back to her? I don’t want her we haven’t been together for almost 20 years. I said oh no I am not worried you are going to go back to her at all. Because if that is what you want and want to do I want you to go and she can have you. Because if that is what you want I don’t want you or to be with you. I don’t want to be with no one that don’t want to be with me or wants to be with someone else. You don’t have to be that way about it. I said what way? You are the one that said it, I am just telling you no if you want her or anyone else for that matter you can go. I love you but not enough to put up with that. He says then it isn’t a big deal or make a difference.

I said oh but yes it makes a huge difference and is a very big deal. I said you know if you got sick and couldn’t make desions for your self no one else can either. She would have to be called and she would have to make them. I said they may say if they do x, y, and z for you, you would be fine in a few days or a week. I said she could say nope I don’t want you to do that let him go. I said your other kids, your mother, me or anyone else would have no say in it. I said if something happened and you died, no one could do anything with you. She would have all say in what was done with you, If she wanted to take your bod and toss it on the side of the road or throw it in a field (Sarcastic we all know she can’t but the point) she could and again no one that should be deciding would have a say in it. Anything you have she would get.

I said you want to start a food truck or trailer, if you do something happen to you she would get it. Your kids, mom or anyone else. I said they could go to court fight it because you haven’t been together for so long. But that isn’t right to your kid or mother. I said or if we have anything together to me. I said your older children should have the way and they should get your things. He said something about she probably wouldn’t want anything or do anything. I said do you really believe that? I said look at how she done you already, you didn’t think she would do that either but here we are. I said and the worst in people come out when someone dies. I said I am not even worried about the baby. I said its the fact of the matter that she don’t need to have that kind of control over everything or the major things that have to do with you. I said and how would you feel if I told you all this time i was divorced and then 3 years later it comes out I’m not? You wouldn’t like it. No but it wouldn’t be a big deal. I said yeah it would.

I said that van out there isn’t mine and yours. He said what do you mean? I said it is mine, yours and hers. If something happen to you I would have to get her permission to do anything with it. I would have to give her part of the money from it if I sold it. No its your van. I said no it isn’t. It’s all of our van.

We talked some more and I just told him if he didn’t want to take care of it I wasn’t being with him. I just told him he had until the end of January to have everything printed filled out and filed. If he didn’t I was done.

Update 22 October 2022 Part 2/ Therapy

I also started therapy in October as well for a few different reasons. I had been off my medication since before I got pregnant. I was starting to really struggle all the way around. I was to the point of quitting my job and things were already bad between me and JW before Halloween night even happened. I wasn’t bonding with the baby and distant and short with the other kids. I wasn’t sleeping and then falling asleep at my desk or fighting not to on the drive home. I was starting to really resent everyone being around and not wanting anyone around.

The other kids I didn’t want to take them out of the house or them to ride with me if I walked out of the house. Them just playing being kids would drive me up the wall. I just wanted them to go outside or their rooms.

The baby hates to ride and would lose his mind every time we got in the car. And scream the whole time. Not only that he would have a shit blow out before we could get to where we were going every time he was put in the car. It didn’t matter if we were going around the block or 50 miles he would have a mess all over him his seat everywhere. The screaming I could not handle. I just wanted to pull over and sit him out. It was such an ordeal to just get everyone dropped off and clean him up. I didn’t want nothing to do with him at home. If he needed something once he got home I was done. He wasn’t sleeping at night most nights. He would take him in the living room and watch tv play on his phone until he fell a sleep. I wasn’t happy about that because it was getting him in a bad habit. I try to tell him that he wouldn’t listen. This all going on me and him were getting no time alone at night. We have no time any other time of day.

I couldn’t stay up with him or them because I am now up between 5 and 5:20am and at work by 6 am. We weren’t getting to bed until 11 pm or after and I was still making sure I had time to spend with him and we weren’t getting it. That takes a toll on a relationship when you already have little time together and having problems.

I was questioning things between me and JW as well. I was trying to decide if it was me dealing with things from the past or is this really as big of a deal it seems? Dealing with it as well.

It bothered me about the baby and not feeling like we had a bond. Just the way I felt all around. I would sleep all day one day on the weekend sometime both and still feel like I hadn’t slept. I was moody and irritated. I knew I wanted to get back on my medication but I also felt I should talk to someone too. So I called they were able to get me in a spot fairly quickly. The only bad thing is it is at 3pm on Friday. That is when I get off work. I just told them I have a standing appointment on Fridays I had to start leaving at 2. It wasn’t a big deal I am anywhere from an hour to 15 minutes early most every day. So I still get that hour or more in most weeks. And it makes up for my two hours I am supposed to work Saturdays.

In therapy they diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, postpartum depression and PTSD. I already knew I had the anxiety and depressing. I figured postpartum was becoming an issue as well. Since I got with JW the ptsd was becoming more apparent. Mostly when we are interment or try to be. I had an issue a few times before we moved in together. When we moved in together of course we were closer more often so it became a problem. He was really good about it but it really bothered me. It did him a little at first but after we talked he understood. I told him I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me but it just brought things up from the past. That it was like flashbacks and I go straight to fight and flight. If I try to get through it not say anything I just disconnect and kind of shut down. He knows something is wrong and stops. If I tell him I have to stop he will and just lay there with me. We will talk or he will just hold me and we will go to sleep. It comes up when we get into a disagreement or fight as well. It just makes things worse. I am doing better with other but still have trouble with when we get into an argument or fight. But I am working on it.

Update 14 February 2022 Closing a Chapter

I ended up paying rent on my other house for January because I was to sick to get my things out. JW went over there I don’t know how many times packed, loaded and came home unloaded my truck. He had his friend and two others come over and took all the kids over one afternoon and had them all help. I bought everyone dinner. I paid others a few different times to clean it out pack it and load it for me. He was working 5 days a week 9 and 10 hours a day then coming home making dinner, doing laundry and whatever else needed done. On top of spending night after night in the hospital with me before going to work the next day. Then taking me to the doctor during the day when I couldn’t take myself. He was going shopping or going with me to make sure I got through the store and was able to get home.

I was supposed to be out the 31 st of January and that obviously didn’t happen being I was back in the hospital thinking I was going to die. I called them on my way home that day and told them I was in the hospital having trouble I had the baby he was in NICU and I would have it out by the weekend. I had no idea how or what I was going to do but I knew I had to get it out.

Of course my mother never came back after the Baker act and disappearing. She had all her stuff still there and both the trucks she had rotting in my yard for years. My sister crazy bought the one that was the same as her truck. The other I called the junkyard and had them pick it up and sold it to them. I took her the money and some of her stuff the rest is in a closet at the house. I was over there the day after the baby came home from NICU cleaning her truck out the rest of the stuff out of the house and throwing it away or loading it up. It was a mess and I was hurting but it had to be done.

As I walked out and closed the door I took a picture. Later I posted it and said something about ending this chapter of our lives. I seen it the other day and was looking at it and reading it. It said yesterday I closed completely closed this chapter of my life. Yesterday stood out to me. I stopped and thought about it and realized at that time yesterday was February 8th. I was like hum something good finally happened on the 8th. I should of been moved out on the 6th and just couldn’t and I should of been at the hospital at that time being induced having the baby. But instead I was there finally closing that chapter of my life. Our lives and jumping into a whole brand new chapter, new adventure.

At the time I knew it but the impact didn’t really hit me. I was so sick still, wore out and exhausting, I just needed to be home. I hadn’t been in my new place long enough to feel like home but it didn’t feel like home there either. It hadn’t really felt like home for me in a long time with everything the way it was. Then leaving all of a sudden over night like that because of all that happened that week.

we had a lot of things happened in that house, Little Bitty’s first birthday was just days after moving in. We lost my dad a little less than a year after moving in. That’s where we were when father of the year finally stopped coming around. I dealt with all the Bs with Sleeping Beauty. Kids dog had her 2nd litter of puppies and we lost the one we kept and our girl a few years later.

That is where I was when I finally fell into a couple of decent jobs with decent owners. Where I ended up going full time at my 2nd job. Now I am doing better than I have in years. Me and the kids became our own village and became a lot closer. It’s was where I was when I got back in touch with JW and look where we are now. That is where I was when I finally got my divorce!

Now and then we are going somewhere or in the area and drive by. When we do it doesn’t even seem as if we ever lived there. It feels like it was all just a dream. It’s a really weird feeling. But most of my life feels that way. But that’s another post for another time.

I am just happy to be out of there and to be onto this new chapter of our lives.

Can’t Make This Shit Up—-The Stroke

All of Mondays fun just kept rolling, right into Tuesday. I wake up to an alert on my phone. I figure it is the one I get every morning and didn’t look. Something said to but I fell back to sleep. Then I wake up at 7 to my phone wringing. And to see the alert came to early to be the one I thought it was. It is Bff calling. I answer to see what she wants.

The guy she is seeing his boss lives across the street from my ex and they cut their yard sometimes. But I guess they aren’t friendly with them. Well they had to stop at the bosses house for something Monday evening. They told her that Father of The Year’s wife came over there and tried her poor me I need whatever you should give me money bullshit. Boss was already not in a good mood and told her where she could go. But when she was giving her “sob story”, she told them he had a stroke about a month before. He wasn’t able to work.

The boss said they have not been seeing the work truck there or them coming and going in it. He also said they had hardly seen him lately and when they do he is walking hunched over with his head down. From what they say pretty slow.

Him having this kind of health problems and could pass a way but no one has contacted my children to let them know. To see if they may want to see him before something happens. I think what is worse is him his self knows what kind of shape he is in and has not bothered to reach out. Tell them and try to change things between them all. Not that I want him back in the picture but you would think going through something like that would make you think about things. But I guess not when you are like him. Just like not telling them their grandma died. I told JW I bet if something happens to him or at whatever point it does, no one will in form my kids and let them know. I will find out from Bff when her man’s boss finds out. That is if they are still living there.

I have decided he has not told my kids I am not going to tell them either. He don’t feel it is important enough to and still don’t want anything to do with them. And he don’t care to know if they are alive and well and have what they need. Why should I tell them and have them upset and worried and they can’t even get updates on him. I do not think the older two will care to much if at all. But Mr.10 now will and will be upset, worry about him and want to go see him. It will trigger his anxiety I am sure. Why do I want to do that to him?

I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Karma you know what they say about her, she is and she has come full force. You know I said before I wish him dead for all that he did to me. Then I said no just crippled where he can’t do for himself would be better. Because she will not take care of him like he needs to be and all he can do is sit and think about all he has done And put me and these kids through. He knows if we were still together and things were good between us he would be taken care of right. He can just think about the bed he had and the one he made for himself.

That all maybe horrible to say but if you have followed me for a while or read old post you will see how bad he was and the things he did to me and my kids.

4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.

Another Horrible Thursday

Why does everything happen on Thursday? Maybe I should skip Thursday from now on.

Me and J.W had a talk finally. It wasn’t a good time but it just happen, I couldn’t really help it. I went over and was laying there. He was back and forth between being awake and a sleep. Normally I will sleep an hour or so once I get there. I just could not get comfortable I guess you could say. I just kept thinking about what is going on and a small conversation we had a few hours before. I finally got up went sat on the couch. I covered up with a sheet he had out there was sitting there doing stuff on my phone. I knew it wasn’t the right time to say something and I just couldn’t lay there next to him anymore and not.

He came out there wanted to know what was wrong. I said I was thinking or something. He wanted to know why I came out there. He got a little aggravated I didn’t say anything. Finally I said something. A lot was said it is hard to remember everything that was. It happen so fast we had to get to work and things. We left 30 minutes late even because I wasn’t leaving in the middle once it was started.

He said I was acting this way because we didn’t have sex in the morning? That he just wasn’t into it or had to get ready or what. I said no its we hardly at all and then maybe every 5th time I enjoy it kind of. Any other you jump up in the middle go on. Your done that’s it everyone is if not to bad.

He started no I don’t what do you mean stop in the middle? Then looks at me and says story of my life I can never please you. Wow that went through me. I said what really you can never please me? Fine don’t worry about it if that is how you feel. Maybe us isn’t a good idea after all if that is how you feel. I didn’t know I was so hard to please and keep happy.

No no that isn’t how I meant it. We been together what 5 or six months now I’m just not use to things they are different than what I am use to. I said so what is wrong if I am doing something wrong tell me. I had already ask him to start with if i did something or said something or if this was because of what I told him. He kept saying no nothing was wrong I hadn’t done anything he was happy with me. So I said what are you not use to? Because I didn’t know I was doing anything. He said the way you treat me. I’m not use to it. I said what do you mean I don’t treat you no way. How do I treat you? He said good, really good okay. I’m not use to it i have dealt with a drunk for the last 8 years who treated me like crap didn’t care about me. Sex was alright get off me leave me alone.

We kind of went in circles and I finally got up to leave. I didn’t want to be late he already was. We got to work he said have a good day, see you later. I said yeah a good day I guess so. He said again why you going to be that way? Nothings wrong. Something about sex in the morning. He said bye got out.

I messaged him said how out of this whole conversation do you get that what is wrong is you don’t want to have sex in the morning? And that there is nothing wrong?

How are you aggravated with me because I’m not happy? Then turn around and tell me story of your life you can never make me happy. Like I bitch or complain all the time.

He said he wasn’t aggregated then said wow you are going to be like that.

I said what you said it not me. One thing one thing ever I am unhappy say something about that is what you say to me.

I told him I feel like there is this huge hole in our relationship. That I am so happy with us otherwise. That I wasn’t trying to attack him or make him feel bad. I have never dealt with this before I am the best I can. I told him I love him care about him. Our relationship. That if I didn’t i wouldn’t of said anything I would of just walked away.

He finally replied and said he loves me and cares about me. How sorry he was for making me feel this way.

I told him

I know sometimes you can’t or things happen once we start. Like we talked about the other day. You say you don’t know or why what’s wrong. I feel like you think that is what I am upset about or mad about maybe why your so upset with me over the way I feel. But I promise you that isn’t the issue or why I am mad at all. I understand. That i just want to figure things out so we can both be happy.

Because he still never brought it up. But I also got the feeling that is what he thinks I am really upset about. It isn’t easy for him to talk about it.

He said he knew and he wanted to too. He told me again he loved me.

We talked a little more after work when I picked him up. We sat there on the couch talked about different things. That some. I was getting ready to go said something about making a vet appointment for the dog and a doctor’s appointment for Little Bitty.

He said yeah I need to find a doctor and something about getting his arm checked out. Then he said go get everything checked out. See what is going on. He pulled me over to him.

I got in the truck it was starting to rain. He said man I was so worried about you this morning after you dropped me off and left for work. He said it was raining bad. You were so upset. He said I was glad when you said you were at work.

I do think he is happy and that he really does care. I think this is just a hard subject to talk about for a lot of people and then him to have the other issue makes it worse. No one wants to hear there are issues.

I think I know where the story of my life can never please you or what thing came from. I thought of it later. His ex wife cheated on him. He came home from work sick and caught them. He worked over nights. Then he told me this last on cheated on him with other guys and women. Drank and was nasty on top of it. All his friends talk about how she is and was and why he stayed so long.

I don’t know what happen between him and the two of them other than that. He don’t talk about it. But i am guessing if they both cheated this is probably why. I don’t know what lead to that if they talked about there being an issue, fought about it or how it was handled. If it was maybe they just cheated. I could see the last one being nasty about it. I don’t know his ex wife to have any idea how or if it came up what was said or done. Before she cheated. I mean he in his 40 now its not easy to talk about i can imagine how it was with his ex in his 20 30 to have issues. I can see him getting defensive and bothered by it. I honestly didn’t think about them cheating on him and things. How things may have been handled in the past.

But i don’t want to cheat and I don’t want it to be an issue between us. This is why I brought it up. But I am sure it brought more than just us up. But I was surprised when he said he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out and taken care of. I think like he said I do treat him good and he knows I care about him. I am not just trying to fight or nit picking over things. Yesterday Friday when I was there before work we were laying there talking and things.  He said I want to make you happy in all areas of our relationship. Not just some. He was sorry about the last few days and things.

Like he said I think our situation right now makes things a little harder as well. I agree with that to a point. I think things changing will help but I don’t think it’s going to make it 100% better. I think it is going to be something we have to work at and it is going to be an on going conversation and work. But I think it is something he will be more open to. He see’s I do care and I’m not wanting to fight or just walk away. That I understand and care.

I feel a lot better since we talked.

Stimulus Checks and Child Support

As you all know from my other post I feel this whole shut down was uncalled for. If they had not done it there would be no need for these checks. But it is only right that if the government is going to randomly shut everything down or close to everything down for no good reason they should have to do something to help the people out. And really this isn’t even a drop in the bucket compared to how much people are really losing over all this. But it is better than nothing.

But they should not tell people one thing and do something else. When they first signed everything and said it was going to happen they said that everyone would get them no matter what as long as you met the income limit. They brought up people who owed back taxes, student loans, child support and other things they normally take tax money for. They said no this was not affected by that. They were not taking them you would get them.

Because I said to J.W. that they would probably take his for back support he owes. He said no they said they said we would get it because of what is going on they are trying to make sure everyone gets what they need. He was planing on trying to get a car with it. Or at least pay and fix his license and put the rest up for a car. He was excited because it would help him get ahead some. Not have to borrow money or save forever to do it. I told him I would pay to get his license if he wanted to put it toward a car and just pay me back weekly or monthly. Because I was taking a chunk of mine putting in savings for rent. His boss will let him borrow money but she charges him all this interest on it. This way he isn’t paying that and wasting money and can get it paid off quicker. He wants to buy his cousin who pasted away last years truck from his aunt. But she won’t take payments because one of the other kids did that and never paid her for the car. I can understand that. But there is not point in having the thing if he can’t drive it and it don’t need to sit for to long either. It isn’t a lot to get his license back either. It would help him, he has helped me and others have helped me as well. I am in a spot I can help someone then I will. Just a lot more careful about it than before.

Anyway today I went over and seen him before he had to go to work. He went Easter shopping with me. We stopped at the little store to get coffee and some how checks came up because they should be coming out this week. He said that he isn’t getting one now, they have decided to take them for back support owed. He wasn’t happy I don’t blame him.

We went on finished getting our coffee and got in line and I thought of it. If they are doing that then I will get $1200 extra because Father of the Year owes almost $6000 in back support. I looked at him and said that means I will get extra. I was kind of excited about it but not that he wasn’t getting any but that father of the year is sitting there thinking he is going to get this check for doing nothing after he has everything else handed to him and now he isn’t getting it.

J.W. didn’t like that, he got a little aggravated I think. I don’t blame him I really wasn’t trying to sound excited or rub it in. It was just one of those things where you think of something and it is like oh yeah wow or duh I’m just thinking of that. He said I’m getting nothing and your getting it or getting extra. I said hey now I am not getting yours, I have nothing to do with why you are not getting yours. He said I know that isn’t what I mean. I said my situation and yours are two different things. I feel he should get his, should Father of the Year get his no.

Out of 4 cases mine and three others I know about personally who involve child support they do not handle any of it like they should. They let people like Father of the Year skate by and do nothing to him and then ones who are paying or trying to pay do right they make it harder on. You all see how they have done my case and how it has taken them 7 years to even order a dna test on RC.

Then there is J.W case who had an agreement with his ex and was paying who they stepped in and decided that wasn’t good enough or what. Changed it up he wasn’t able to make the payments they wanted him to make so now he is behind. They went to his house and picked him up on his way out the door to go to work and arrested him until someone paid to get him out. He owes no more current child support, just what he is behind and they are still taking his taxes every year and now his check like this.

Then there is my boss who is over paid in support his ex owes him and they keep taking money every pay day out of his check and sending in. They told him they won’t stop taking it out they will just hold it and send him a refund every 3 or 4 months. That is his money that is money he don’t owe and could use but they are going to take it and hold it for no good reason until they decide to give it back to him. He has been to court and everything else over it. The judge ordered it stopped. They did for like a month or two and started again. Because they didn’t like the wording the judge used. Even though they can see that he is paid ahead for x amount of time and the order says it is and that it needs to stop. He was still going around about it a few moths ago. I seen the order and things because he was using the computer at work to type a letter up and send them trying to get it stopped again.

Then there is Bff’s he pays when he wants and what he feels like paying. He is behind now and the only reason he is paying at all now is because it got to the point they were going to take his drivers license away and he would lose his CDL. He don’t want to lose that because he will lose his job. He is an over the road truck driver. So he pays just enough to keep his license and that is it. They don’t care and do nothing to him over it. Let him get away with it.

I know that Father of the Year did not file taxes in years so he will get a paper check so I don’t know how long it will take for them to send it and for me to get it. But I don’t care, it will help whenever it comes. I forgot until I talked to Bff that she owes back support as well so they aren’t going to get anything at all.

I guess it isn’t so much the checks as again the child support office who picks and chooses who to do what to and don’t go after the real deadbeats.

Figured Something’s Out

After I finally told him Monday night what happen, why I am disconnecting, shutting down and having a hard time all really started to make since. Two and two went together all of a sudden. I knew when I was with my friend I was doing it to a point but didn’t really think much of it or worry about it. It wasn’t causing any issues. But with Jw things are different. I want that connection, closeness, and bond that should be there between couples. Not something that just feels like a hook up or what.

Before I get into the things I figured out let me go back to before things happened the way they did with father of the year. So that things make a little more since.

I was a little shy and embarrassed the first times or so. I wouldn’t be undressed in front of whoever I was with, I would get undressed and cover up if the lights were on or it was lit up in the room. I would wait until it was dark and get undressed. Then I would get dressed once they went to the other room or grab my stuff and go to the bathroom.

That was short lived thankfully, because it just hit me one day. You can get undressed and have sex with them and your good enough for that but scared what they might think or say if they see you naked? What since does that make? Your fine with your body and the way you look. If they have a problem with that then why are you doing anything more with them? So then after that I didn’t really think anything of it after that.

With that said I have always been very open to trying new things, exploring, and vocal. I say let’s try this, do this or don’t do this, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead. Talk dirty to each other just what we felt like doing or was comfortable doing. Sometimes that might just be moan. But I never thought twice about it or felt funny or worried about what the person I was with was going to say, do or think about it. Nor did I ever think anything of what they did or said. We were both just enjoying it. We be together or sometimes in our own little worlds or zones but still aware of what the other was doing or what. If that makes since.

Then with father of the year and his I’m his wife and its my place blah, blah bullshit things changed. Each time I became more and more distant, disconnected and shut down. The only things I could do to keep from crying through it all and to keep from feeling it or being a part of it or involved is more what I am looking for.

Ì noticed with Jw if I am laying on my back he is on top of me and holding himself up on his arms or legs it bothers me. I will tell him lay down relax, get comfortable. He won’t. He says he don’t want to put all his weight on me, he don’t want to hurt me. I tell him it os fine he isn’t going to hurt me. Honestly it feels good to me. It is comforting to me. I wasn’t sure why really. I just knew it bothered me for him to be over me like that but felt good if he laid down. Even if we are just laying there talking he will do that talk to me, kiss me or what playing around. It bothers me.

But thinking about it and everything that has went on it hit me. Father of The Year would get up over me and be like that when he would get mad and I was telling him no. So that i couldn’t move or what. When Jw does that I guess it triggers those memories. That is why I start to with draw or shut down.

But when or if he lays down and relaxes, it is comforting and a grounding type thing for me. I feel safe or that everything is okay. I don’t have to be on edge or expecting the worse I guess. I haven’t said anything to Jw about it yet. I haven’t said anything about anything that I have thought of or figured out yet. It’s been something we haven’t talked about and skirted around since we talked that night. There just hasn’t been a right time or good time the last few nights.

Something else I figured out was that I’m not vocal in anyway anymore really. We joke and laugh about being a “starfish” or what but that is how I feel. I stopped being vocal when all that was going on then when I was with my friend all those years there was almost always people around or coming and going and kids around so we were always pretty quiet then.

Now I start to be and I catch myself and stop myself. I think, is that okay to do? Is he going to say something? Get mad? Does he like that or will he? Is he just going to say I shouldn’t be doing that?

In my head I am telling myself it is fine not to worry about it. He isn’t going to think anything of it and probably like it. Of course now I’m all in my head instead of into what is going on and get all worried about that and it snowballs from there. Then I find myself thinking I wish he just finish already because now I’m not into it and now am I messing things up for him. On and on.

He likes different ways and things and will say lets try this or do this. I have no problem with that but then I feel self conscious if something happens or if I feel I’m not doing what I should be. Even though there isn’t always something to do.

If something happens or it seems he isn’t enjoying it or what I feel like I have done something wrong or not doing something I should be. I will ask him sometimes what je wants me to do or wants to do. I will do it. But lately i have noticed I am having a lot of pain with different things we have tried. I think it is a combination of a few things. The time of the month the fact my uterus is tilted and the fact I am having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying it.

He said the other night he is still nervous to a point as well and not real sure about things either. Because of the normal someone knew getting to know them and what they like or are okay with and just really learning each other and forming that bond or what ever you want to call it. I told him I in the same situation but also dealing with this on top of it. Again he just kept saying he understands not to worry about it, we can take our time, take things slow, figure out how to work through it. That it don’t change anything between us or how he feels. He still wants us. This isn’t going to run him off or scare him away. That he is sorry if he has done anything. I just keep telling him no because he hasn’t it’s me not him.

After thinking about it all and realizing the things I have. I figured out my biggest problem is not getting into it and stopping myself or holding myself back. I want to get into it and enjoy it like I use to. That bothers me the most and I feel that I need to get through first. The other things are things that if I am into it and have that connection aren’t really a problem.

When I was with RC, I didn’t have the same kind of problems. With him the main problem I had was just being all into it and then all of a sudden just shut down and not be able to do anything. Even though I wanted to. Other than that I didn’t have any problem when we were doing things.

But I’m really not sure how to handle it or what to do in order to work through it. I have even thought about trying to go back to counseling but I just don’t know how that is going to work because I don’t have insurance and haven’t had time to now when I wanted to.

Finally Had To Tell Him

As you know the other week I was going to go talk to Jw after work and tell him how damaged I am. All the shit I have been through and things that have happened to me. Because surely if he found out that one thing he wouldn’t stay and then I would know. I would know I was wasting my time like I did on all the rest. I would know he was lying and just saying what he felt I wanted to hear. I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore or stressing over all the extra stuff since he came in the picture. But as you can read in my post damaged he was pretty sick and I wasn’t going to talk to him about all that at the time. I felt bad for him because he was miserable and I knew he wouldn’t be listening anyway. I couldn’t blame him.

Well early last week things ended up going a little further than expected one night and we have been together a few times since. The first night he was really nervous, in turn made me nervous. Mostly just again wondering if we were doing the right thing us being together over all. How it just seems odd or not real. He was in his last relationship for 8 years he said it been a while since he been with someone new or another women. It made it hard for me to get into at first but after a little bit we both relaxed.

The next time was alright but I had a hard time. It wasn’t really anything to do with him. More me and I couldn’t figure out why or what was bothering me so much.

Last night was horrible, I was into it and wanted to and then everything started happening. I just started shutting down and fighting disconnecting. We ended up just stopping. He could tell something was really bothering me and that something was wrong. He kept asking and saying he was sorry asking if he done something. I told him no that it wasn’t him it was me. We just laid there with him holding me, finally I just told him. I did not know what to say

I just told him it has been about 8 years or more since I was in a relationship but that I had a friend in that time. That being with someone in that way isn’t the same as being with someone in a relationship for me anyway.

That when I was with my ex husband before we got divorced things happened. That because of that I tend to disconnect and shut down. That I haven’t been in a relationship to know how things were going to go or work through it. I don’t know what is really wrong even but figured some things out.

He just pulled me close and didn’t really say anything. He was just quiet for a bit. He started to say something and stopped. I said I know you probably don’t know what to say, I don’t want you to say anything or looking for you to. He said I don’t know what to say. He said it’s alright you didn’t tell me sooner. He said it don’t change how I feel about you, or how I look at you. He said we will work through it. I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you told me and want to help you. We will figure out things together and I told you anytime you need or want to talk I am here.