Single___Parent___Life











After reading those old post and writing 4:30 A.M. I started thinking about JW. I just wanted to get up and go over there and crawl inbed and be held.

I snuggled in my big quilt and laid here in the dark thinking. My thoughts went back to wanting to be held and feel safe. I just had this feel come over me and the thought of how greatful I am for JW and the way he treats me.

Then I though not greatful but Thankful? But both just felt weird to say or feel. As I looked for the right word to describe how I felt and thought I just couldn’t think of it.

Then it came to me. It is both greatful and thankful and loved I was feeling. I guess thankful and greatful struck me as off to describe how I felt about him. Because isn’t it odd to be thankful the man you are in a relationship with don’t abuse you?

I mean isn’t that just one of those unspoken this is how it is supposed to be things in a relationship? Isn’t it assumed when you agree to be with someone or decide to be that no one is going to abuse any one? That leaves nothing on the table to have to be thankful for.

But I guess with someone like me who has been in an extremely abusive relationship that idea of what can or might or will happen is always on the table. Even if only in our subconscious and we don’t realize it.

So when we find someone who don’t do these things we are thankful. And it just feels so weird to use because it is not a feel we should have to feel. We should of never been abused the first time around. When we were it took things away from us.

We can’t just have a normal relationship. We can’t just love and be loved. We can’t just have a disagreement and everything is fine. Because our brains have been rewired to feel all things that happen in a relationship are bad. That they are about being lied to, yelled at, hit and so much more. That we aren’t really loved or that that is love. I don’t know which of those two are worse really. I think probably thinking that that is love, being abused is being loved. (That is another post in its own)

When our brains have been rewired in such a way, subconsciously we always look at everything different than those who have not been abused. I have said it before our poor partners are under a microscope. We are looking extra hard trying to figure out their motivation is for doing whatever they done. Because in our minds they didn’t do it just to be nice because they love us. In our minds they don’t really love us either so there is no way they did it because of that. We have their love under that scope too looking for why? Because the last person who said it was only out for their self. This one must be too. We can’t be stupid like we were before and fall for it this time too. So we crank in even more with that microscope and look even harder.

So if and when it hits you like it did me last night it don’t feel right to us. It feels wrong to feel loved. It feels uncomfortable. All while feeling slightly good. You want to be able to feel it, you want to let go and open up and really let that other person and what they have to offer in and believe them. But how do you do that when it feels so uncomfortable or bad almost?

Before I go let me just say, I have never thought or worried for a minute that JW would ever treat me anywhere close to how I was treated when I was married. But as I said when you come from something like that subconsciously it is always there until if and when you can have that moment of this is okay.



{December 13, 2020}   4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.



{December 7, 2020}   A Day Trip With Sleeping Beauty

Me and Sleeping Beauty have been talking again for a little bit now. Two weeks before Thanksgiving that saturday, I dropped JW off at work and decided to go to some yard sales and things. I had a few I was going to go to then just make my way around to whatever I seen after that. Some how I ended up on the other side of the county than where they were. I was going to go up that way to check something first. Don’t even remember what. I went to some sales up there and didn’t see much really.
Sleeping Beauty messaged me we started talking. He asked what I was up to i told him, and really just looking for something to do. He said yeah he wad bored. He said the flea market in a town or two over was open was pretty busy when he was up there few weeks before. I said maybe I would che k it out. He ask who all was with me? I told him I was alone. He said he would go with me if I wanted. I told him okay I would be there in a bit. I was about 20 to 25 minutes away from him the place was about that from him. I figured maybe we would find something else going on once we got there.
I had the rental car a little Elantra. I pulled up he was looking funny trying to figure out who it was at first. He got in we talk about the car why i had it. We were on our way. We just kind of talked about anything and everything. Wouldn’t you know it started to rain. We got to the flea market there was almost no one there. We walked through and checked out some cars in the parking lot and went to leave. I was waiting to pull out trying to decide what to do now because with rain there would be no sales anymore either.

I thought about it I looked at him and said you want to go to Daytona? He looked at me for a minute said really? I said yeah I have all day and no where to be or anything to do. We are only an hour away or less.

He said yeah why not he had nothing to do. So we were off to the flea market in Daytona. We knew rain or shine they would be open it is all inside for the most part. Some in side in mall like area. We must of walked around the place 5 times. We think we were dome and see ares we hadn’t been and then tried to find our was back to a booth where we seen some stuff we wanted. We finally said okay I think we have seen everything at least twice now if not we don’t even know we are missing anything lets go.

I said something about something why we were looking for the car. He jokingly said you want to go to Bass Pro Shop. I said okay why not. I was thinking of the one at home on the other other end of the county but hey nothing to do waste some time why not. We finally found our way through the maze of a parking lot and got on the street. He started telling me what way to go. It hit me duh they have one here too. We got there and seen a sign for Skip’s Western store so we decided to go there too. Then by one they had all these tents and things set up and music playing. We decided to walk over see what that was. It was a art show there were a few people with crafts, food and drinks. So we walked around and checked that all out. When we were done there we headed home. We were going to stop by the leather shop but I missed the exit and we were not 100% sure where it was. He didn’t know what I was talking about and I just remembered seeing it between his house and where we were almost two hours away. He messaged me a few days later and told me he found it not far from his house. I guess it is new up there we went one way there and part of the way back we went a different way.

We were on the way there or back and JW messaged me. We were talking i said something about it being him. He said don’t tell him I am with you. I said why? He said you don’t need him pissed off at you or us. I said no he won’t care. I already told him where I was and you were with me. He ask what he said. I told him nothing just be careful or what with wet roads and just being off away from home that far alone or what. That i told him he was with me he said oh okay.

Sleeping Beauty said he done get mad you talk to other guys or hang out with them? I said no he has met most my guy friends or knows them from when we were in school. He knows they all message me we talk and things. He knows I’m not out “running around”. I am just out with a friend just like if BFF was with me instead. He was kind of surprised.

But it is true he knows I am not looking to get with anyone else I am not like that. Even though he don’t like him he knows we are friends and we talk. I give him a ride once in awhile and things. That was the first time we have hung out in years other than when the group would get together and he would come. He isn’t the type to say I don’t like him you can’t talk to him or I would rather you not talk to him. He wouldn’t unless he really did something wrong or something happen he didn’t like.

After I got home I thought of the boardwalk. I messaged him and said we should of went. I was home by 330 didn’t have to be until 730 really. I didn’t have to be then JW would of gotten a ride home. But for me that is were I feel it is kind of crossing a line that shouldn’t be. I am doing what I want to all day be it whoever I am with, I feel I should at least be there to pick him up and spend time with him. But That is me. He tells me all the time do what you want to do don’t rush home because of me I can get a ride it isn’t a big deal. If I don’t have to work and I am there if I don’t wake up when he gets up or why he is getting ready for work sometimes he won’t wake me up. He will call his buddy to pick him up on his way in. Once I didn’t feel good and ask him too he rode his bike. I told him i would take him if he couldn’t he didn’t wake me and say he didn’t call him back. He knows I don’t go off like that all the time I always take him unless i have somewhere to be early. Like I said it isn’t like he says you better be here when I get off or gets all bent out of shape i am out or doing something. It is just how I feel about it.

With Father of the Year he would of been mad I went, he would of been mad who sent with me, and that he couldn’t go. Oh if i said I am going to be home later we are doing this or that or even hey accident we got stuck in traffic caused us not to get back he would be going through the roof. It is nice not having to be in someone’s ass 24/7 and them not think twice about and tell you don’t rush don’t worry about it i can get a ride. Oh you got out of the house today did something with a friend thats great glade you had fun. Wish I didn’t have to work but glad you were able to do something. Not someone who thinks you should sit in the house and wait for them to get home like the dog. All just because they have to work can do something too. It didn’t matter if i was going alone taking the kids somewhere or me and my sister doing stuff with the kids. I just flat shouldn’t be doing anything. But sitting waiting until he could go and until he wanted too.

The longer I am away from him, the longer me and JW are together and things happen even as simple as this. I realize more and more how bad it really was with him.

Now that I have rambled on off topic i really need to get off of here. It is 4 am I have to be up at 645/7. It is now just a blink away I should get some sleep for work in the morning. I fell a sleep for a short time and was woke up couldn’t get back to sleep. Hopefully I can now. I will try to catch you up more later today. Until then good night, or should that be good morning?



{September 22, 2020}   Could Of Been Me

As I sit here at work in front of my computer billing away each day I listen to pod cast on my ear buds. I listen to things like 48 hours, Crime Beat and other true crime or documentaries. Sadly so many of them are about husbands killing their wives or ex wives, boyfriends killing their girlfriends or ex girlfriends. It seems so hard to believe that there are so many of these women this happens to. But then when you think of the statistics 75% + of women who leave or try to leave end up dead. But still so many people don’t believe this goes on or marginalizes how bad domestic violence is or joke’s about it. As if it is no big deal.

So many feel it won’t happen to me or it won’t happen to my friend, loved one or co worker. My son, brother, friend, uncle wouldn’t do that even when the signs are there. I don’t know if it is because people don’t know what to look for? They don’t want to believe it?

As I sit here and listen to story after story, it for some reason really hit me today, how much danger I was really in and how that any one of these women they are talking about could of been me. How it was that bad and I really could not be here today.

It made me wonder why? Why didn’t I realize it at the time? Why didn’t I see it when friends and family were pointing it out and saying it? Why wasn’t I scared? Worried? Reporting him? Why didn’t I tell anyone about him knocking me up side the head or the back of the head when he would get mad. Or him shoving me across the room or through the house screaming and spitting in my face? Why didn’t I tell about him having me so upset I would be locked in the bathroom sick while he beat the door still screaming and yelling at me while laughing.

I would sit there leaning against the door begging him to go away. To just leave me alone and stop doing this if for no other reason than because of the kids being there watching, listening. He keep on until he got fed up and he would walk off like nothing ever happened. He truly was like jekyll and hyde. One minute raging the next nothing happen cooking, playing with the kids or walk off and go watch tv.

There were time’s I thought he was going to do some thing to himself. Bff was extremely scared he was going to do something to me. We lived close like 2 blocks from each other. Any time she heard syrens she would look to see where they were going or call/message me to see if I was alright. If she was gone for the day and we weren’t together she would call or message me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I have told you all that before I am sure. There was a few times my mom said something and my sister. My sister was scared to be around him. She would not be left alone with him even as an adult. She was worried about me and the kids.

But thinking about it I think I wasn’t scared because I always would fight back and I wasn’t scared to stand up to him and do whatever I had to in order to get away. Before I get a bunch of people attacking me. I know a lot of these women were the same way probably and how many of them did fight back to get away. But I think I was just so use to it and use to it getting worse and worse and thinking ahead to worse case or what if this or that happen. That I really just wasn’t worried about it or thought that it would just be another fight to get through and deal with. I always had the thought is this going to be the time he blacks my eye? Is this going to be the time he breaks my nose. Just all out beat my ass? What am I going to do if he does this or that. The whole time we would be fighting I would be thinking ahead if he does this I can grab that, if he was to try that I can get out this way. I would be looking around what he was close to that he may pick up to use in some way and thinking what I would do if he did.

Writing that my mind is going, oh my god it is no wonder I am the way I am. Always in a state of survival every day. Spend wondering if and when he is going to snap, how bad it was going to be and what I am going to have to do just to survive another day. But at the time you are not thinking survival. It is just your normal every day life. You are just thinking of getting through another day. Sometimes you have the thought if you were dead at least you wouldn’t be miserable and your kids wouldn’t be living in the fighting every day.



{September 18, 2020}   We Don’t Need Each Other

I was thinking while I was eating lunch about mine and JW’s relationship. All though we have our little issue other than that we are really good together and happy. I was thinking how different it is than being with Father of The Year, RC and other guy’s I have talked to or went out with in the past. How it isn’t stressful, there isn’t fighting or tension. That yes sometimes he gets mad or aggregated with me or pissy. But when he does it is because I won’t open up tell him what is wrong or bothering me. I just get quite with drawl some and go on my way. He wants to know what is wrong or bothering me. He will talk about it try to work it out, help or just be there for support. He gets aggregated I won’t tell him and let him. That I hold it in and just deal with it on my own or just stuff it. He really does care a lot about people and for sure the one’s he is close to like family, me, friends and even my kids. No one is going to do anything to us or mess with us. If something is wrong he wants to be there for you even if it is just to listen.

He isn’t the only one that has has said something about it. I seen a memory from the past pop up on Facebook, RC commented on it he was there for me and to help. I said I knew. He said you act like your alone in this and don’t let me in or let me help. It hit me then that I did. He was the same as JW he would sit and talk about things and try to help. Thinking about it as I write this I pushed him away. Because I did shut down and stop talking and held a lot in. But we had other issues that caused it. We had some issues between us with the kids and Father of The Year.

I want to open up and tell JW, let him be there and help. But it is so hard when I am so use to how things were. I couldn’t open up, if I did it was twisted turned around or I was told how horrible I was or what. Just beat down, belittled, and treated like dirt or ignored. They would get mad.

It is hard for me to say what I want to say and make it come out right. I have to really think about it before I say things. I don’t want the things I say to be taken wrong. Because even if you go back and explain it, it is always there. RC was like that when we got together, he take a while or not say some thing’s because he wasn’t sure how to say it or make it sound right. We came up with nothing said can be taken any which way. Once something was said then they could explain more now that the main point or problem was out. The other person could ask questions or what to clarify how they meant it if they took it this way or that way. You couldn’t just get mad or upset and react. It really did help and let us have more open conversations. Because we could just say what needed said.

Even though I know JW wants to know what is wrong and wants to talk about it or be there to help and support. I also know that he takes things very personally. I don’t want something to come out wrong. Because even if you say that came out wrong or it isn’t how I meant it, it is still hard to forget or feel there isn’t some truth to it.

Like when he made the can never please you comment to me a while back. He said he was sorry it came out wrong. Not right away but later when things calmed down and we were talking. He honestly didn’t remember saying it. I could tell when I said something about it. The look on his face he said I didn’t say that to you. I said yes you did when we were talking about x,y,z. He just looked at me like he screwed up or what. I know he is dealing with stuff from his past his ex’s did. But it has stuck with me. Even though I truly don’t think he meant to say it and didn’t mean me more as in this has been an issue for him and over all couldn’t or can’t.

I just know that it is nice without all the stress and fighting. I know my kids are not in the picture yet and things. But it is a whole different dynamic than it was with me and RC. And they both are 100% different than Father of The Year.

I deal with a few things from stuff that happen between me and RC. But really sitting down thinking about it and looking at the big picture. I can see that the abuse from Father of The Year was worse than I realized it was when I was in it. I knew when I was in it it was bad not right. I look back and tell someone about this or that and it hits wow that was really messed up. Or wow I never realized this or that or how bad that was. It was just life at the time you get use to it, you deal with it, you ignore it or make up excuses or try to fix it and the list goes on. You distract your self with all these lies or other things like trying to fix it just so you can get through it. It is sad to think we do these things. That we live our lives this way.

Then the one’s who get away, get out of it we live with the lasting effects it has on us. Now not only do we deal with it but it pours over into our relationships with our kids, friends, family and partners. I don’t know if one can ever truthfully say they 100% get past it and don’t have any issues pop up. I swear I have PTSD from the shit I went through with Father of The Year.

Part if the problem me and JW have with out issue in the bedroom is because of things Father of The Year done. I told JW what he did that it was many times. But no kind of details. But the other night I had to ask him would you please not do X unless I ask you or move you to? Right away he was worried he did something wrong. I had to tell him no but because of what happened when he does I am not longer into what we are doing. When it happens, that fight or flight shoots through my body. I have to stop myself from pushing him away and getting up. I can get it to go away quickly but then I’m done I am not into it and can’t get back into it. He has asked me more than once what is wrong because he can see the change. I just say I’m alright. Sometimes it is bad enough I can’t get past it he just stops lays there beside me holding me. I wanted to tell him before but I just couldn’t get it out and tell him. Even though he knew it happen I still felt it was going to change things between us. Or the way he looked at me reacted to me interacted with me. Or if he knew any details he wouldn’t want to be together anymore. I tell myself he is different things have been good all this time and everything I have told him and has happened. But in my head I am still in the it is just a matter of time or that one thing is going to come up that makes him say nope done. At the same time I don’t feel it will.

Our relationship is different. We really don’t need anything from each other. Like with Father of The Year he didn’t really have friends, he hadn’t really ever had a relationship or girlfriend. He wasn’t stable in life. As in a job that he made anything at or a place to stay or the friends, relationship and all. He was looking for someone to come in and be everything and for their life to revolve around him and include him all the time if he wasn’t at work. And you shouldn’t do things when he was working because it wasn’t fair he wasn’t there to go. You should never have time alone. You were his friend, girlfriend and the one to make everything was taken care of or make everything happen for him. Find him a job find a car find a place to live and on and on.

RC had a job, friends, a place could hold it together and was doing it. But he needed a mom for his kids. Or I should say someone to help him take care of his kids so he wasn’t doing it on his own. He had unrealistic ideas going into things. When you are going into a relationship that kids are involved in on either side it changes things. When they are involved from both sides it really changes things. You can’t expect someone to step in from day one and take over full care of yours and theirs all on their own and expect it to be done your way as well.

With JW things are completely different. He has a life, he has a job, he has a place. He is doing it on his own and fine with doing it on his own. He is looking for a relationship for the relationship its self. Not because he needs it. He wants the companionship, the support, the closeness. That having someone there you can count on and trust. The partner or team to take care of and handle things. Even though you can do it on your own it is always nice to have the support and to feel like someone cares about you. But knowing if something happens you can walk away without worrying about anything because you aren’t depending on them for anything. You are doing it as a team now instead of on your own. But you can go back to on your own just the same. Even if their are kids involved on either side as long as you don’t lose that being okay on your own or you don’t let yourself get depend on the other or get into a place of needing them it will be okay if something happens. It will be hard but you won’t be stuck.

When I was with Father of The Year I was stuck. I had gotten laid off and found out I was pregnant. I stayed home with the kids through my pregnancy. After I had the baby I had no one to watch the kids. He wouldn’t watch them. He wouldn’t even show up when I had interviews to watch them. When I did have money if he found it he took it or wouldn’t pay things until he knew it was gone. Then there was the disaster with RC. I wasn’t really depending on him I had money coming in and a place. I just started planing and he backed out.

I’m like JW, I am at that point in life I have everything else as squared a way as it can be. I may hit some bumps but we are making it and doing a little better than getting by even with one job. I am ready to take that next step and let someone else in again. I feel in taking my time and being picky has paid off I found someone that don’t need me but wants me. Just as much as I want him.

 



{September 17, 2020}   Re: Screwed Up Big Time

I had told JW yesterday morning when I realized what had happen. I picked him up we went and got something to eat. Came home walked the dog and ate dinner. We started to talk and then had to stop to take care of something. We ended up going to bed kind of early. We laid down and I told him I screwed up. He asked what happen?

I said I screwed up. He ask what I done what was wrong? I told him earlier I did and he wanted to know what. I told him we would talk in person. I said we may have an issue. He said we why what is wrong babe? I told him the last couple nights when he was asking about what to do, I wasn’t thinking about what he was talking about at the moment.

He started he was sorry, he should of done more and got something and things.

I told him that wasn’t what I was saying. He tried to do something but that I just messed up. He said he was sorry again he should of did more. He said if he was meant to have another baby he would of had one by now. He would of had one with his ex because she had her iud taken out.

He really thinks it can’t happen. He can’t have any more kids because in the 8 or so years they were together they didn’t. I keep telling him maybe because of how she was and how things were. I don’t know why people think like this.

I told him everything being a mess and not tracking and things for so long that it was going to take a few months or so before it will be usable. He said yeah he knew and things. It wasn’t a big deal or what. He said he was going to have to get the bag of goodies and put in the night stand 😄.

I have to say it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected but not him to be do it’s okay or not a big deal. I know, he knows, I didn’t do it on purpose or anything like that. Sadly I guess I am just so use to fighting over everything and being told how it’s my fault or what. I hope not but if ut is then it is. We will do what we have to do.

 



After dealing with R.C and Father of The Year I don’t like me. I don’t like the way I feel in a relationship anymore. I don’t like that I can’t decide if there really is something wrong or if it’s just me. I hate how needy and clingy I feel.

I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel that closeness, that connection, that bond. I feel like friends and not even friends with benefits. It’s so hard to explain or for me to even under really. I know things are all messed up because of the way things are right now with the kids not knowing. Nothing being open not being able to do things go places. And then there is the issue of sex and things as well. It is all just getting to me. The fact I hate my life right now the way me and the kids are living. The fact I can’t get out of it. Everyone is unhappy.

But things with JW were good and I was happy there other than the one issue we have going on. But I was still happy and still felt loved and like a couple. Now I just don’t know, I feel like when it comes to affection and things he keeps me at arms length. At the same time. I feel like maybe it’s just me and how I am that makes me feel that way. Or maybe I’m not getting close or letting him be closer because I’m scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt.

I know we have been together 7/8 months we are falling into that normal for us routine. Thing’s aren’t going to be like they were in the bargaining. The new is fading this is us now. But at the same time I feel like we are pulling away from each other. Well I feel he is and I am wanting to be clingy and need that extra. I was never that way before. But it’s like once we hit that settled this is us, this is our normal then it is going to end. Because when I get comfortable it always ends. How do I get past that feeling? How do I get past the feeling of needing that extra from him?

I think he is happy he called me every night he was away not just the one time I asked him to. He stayed on the phone for an hour or more everytime. He keeps telling me now how he can’t wait until things are different we have a place together. How he can’t wait to fall a sleep with me and wake up to me in the morning. How much better we will both sleep and talks about wanting to take the kids and do stuff with them spend time with them do for them. This is just random out of the blue not like we will be talking about things or anything.

I can’t get past the feeling he just settled either. I know everyone is different. But then he say’s why didn’t we see each other back in the day. Why didn’t we talk before now. Had I known what was going on and thing’s. He wish we gotten together years ago when we found each other.

He ask what’s wrong sometimes and I say nothing. He don’t like it but he don’t push it. But I don’t know how to tell him or if I should. Some thing’s I want him to know there is an issue with still. I want to tell him how I feel and that I am scared. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he is doing something wrong or I am saying it’s his fault. Just how I feel and what I need right now. I keep telling myself the way things are is my fault once things change maybe it will be better. Not to say anything or he may leave. I think i don’t want him to leave. But at the same time it’s like okay fine let him if that is to much for him. Better to find out now than later on. But i so want to be with him and care about him and feel good about us all as a family. I don’t want to lose him. I just don’t know anymore.



{June 6, 2020}   Another Horrible Thursday

Why does everything happen on Thursday? Maybe I should skip Thursday from now on.

Me and J.W had a talk finally. It wasn’t a good time but it just happen, I couldn’t really help it. I went over and was laying there. He was back and forth between being awake and a sleep. Normally I will sleep an hour or so once I get there. I just could not get comfortable I guess you could say. I just kept thinking about what is going on and a small conversation we had a few hours before. I finally got up went sat on the couch. I covered up with a sheet he had out there was sitting there doing stuff on my phone. I knew it wasn’t the right time to say something and I just couldn’t lay there next to him anymore and not.

He came out there wanted to know what was wrong. I said I was thinking or something. He wanted to know why I came out there. He got a little aggravated I didn’t say anything. Finally I said something. A lot was said it is hard to remember everything that was. It happen so fast we had to get to work and things. We left 30 minutes late even because I wasn’t leaving in the middle once it was started.

He said I was acting this way because we didn’t have sex in the morning? That he just wasn’t into it or had to get ready or what. I said no its we hardly at all and then maybe every 5th time I enjoy it kind of. Any other you jump up in the middle go on. Your done that’s it everyone is if not to bad.

He started no I don’t what do you mean stop in the middle? Then looks at me and says story of my life I can never please you. Wow that went through me. I said what really you can never please me? Fine don’t worry about it if that is how you feel. Maybe us isn’t a good idea after all if that is how you feel. I didn’t know I was so hard to please and keep happy.

No no that isn’t how I meant it. We been together what 5 or six months now I’m just not use to things they are different than what I am use to. I said so what is wrong if I am doing something wrong tell me. I had already ask him to start with if i did something or said something or if this was because of what I told him. He kept saying no nothing was wrong I hadn’t done anything he was happy with me. So I said what are you not use to? Because I didn’t know I was doing anything. He said the way you treat me. I’m not use to it. I said what do you mean I don’t treat you no way. How do I treat you? He said good, really good okay. I’m not use to it i have dealt with a drunk for the last 8 years who treated me like crap didn’t care about me. Sex was alright get off me leave me alone.

We kind of went in circles and I finally got up to leave. I didn’t want to be late he already was. We got to work he said have a good day, see you later. I said yeah a good day I guess so. He said again why you going to be that way? Nothings wrong. Something about sex in the morning. He said bye got out.

I messaged him said how out of this whole conversation do you get that what is wrong is you don’t want to have sex in the morning? And that there is nothing wrong?

How are you aggravated with me because I’m not happy? Then turn around and tell me story of your life you can never make me happy. Like I bitch or complain all the time.

He said he wasn’t aggregated then said wow you are going to be like that.

I said what you said it not me. One thing one thing ever I am unhappy say something about that is what you say to me.

I told him I feel like there is this huge hole in our relationship. That I am so happy with us otherwise. That I wasn’t trying to attack him or make him feel bad. I have never dealt with this before I am the best I can. I told him I love him care about him. Our relationship. That if I didn’t i wouldn’t of said anything I would of just walked away.

He finally replied and said he loves me and cares about me. How sorry he was for making me feel this way.

I told him

I know sometimes you can’t or things happen once we start. Like we talked about the other day. You say you don’t know or why what’s wrong. I feel like you think that is what I am upset about or mad about maybe why your so upset with me over the way I feel. But I promise you that isn’t the issue or why I am mad at all. I understand. That i just want to figure things out so we can both be happy.

Because he still never brought it up. But I also got the feeling that is what he thinks I am really upset about. It isn’t easy for him to talk about it.

He said he knew and he wanted to too. He told me again he loved me.

We talked a little more after work when I picked him up. We sat there on the couch talked about different things. That some. I was getting ready to go said something about making a vet appointment for the dog and a doctor’s appointment for Little Bitty.

He said yeah I need to find a doctor and something about getting his arm checked out. Then he said go get everything checked out. See what is going on. He pulled me over to him.

I got in the truck it was starting to rain. He said man I was so worried about you this morning after you dropped me off and left for work. He said it was raining bad. You were so upset. He said I was glad when you said you were at work.

I do think he is happy and that he really does care. I think this is just a hard subject to talk about for a lot of people and then him to have the other issue makes it worse. No one wants to hear there are issues.

I think I know where the story of my life can never please you or what thing came from. I thought of it later. His ex wife cheated on him. He came home from work sick and caught them. He worked over nights. Then he told me this last on cheated on him with other guys and women. Drank and was nasty on top of it. All his friends talk about how she is and was and why he stayed so long.

I don’t know what happen between him and the two of them other than that. He don’t talk about it. But i am guessing if they both cheated this is probably why. I don’t know what lead to that if they talked about there being an issue, fought about it or how it was handled. If it was maybe they just cheated. I could see the last one being nasty about it. I don’t know his ex wife to have any idea how or if it came up what was said or done. Before she cheated. I mean he in his 40 now its not easy to talk about i can imagine how it was with his ex in his 20 30 to have issues. I can see him getting defensive and bothered by it. I honestly didn’t think about them cheating on him and things. How things may have been handled in the past.

But i don’t want to cheat and I don’t want it to be an issue between us. This is why I brought it up. But I am sure it brought more than just us up. But I was surprised when he said he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out and taken care of. I think like he said I do treat him good and he knows I care about him. I am not just trying to fight or nit picking over things. Yesterday Friday when I was there before work we were laying there talking and things.  He said I want to make you happy in all areas of our relationship. Not just some. He was sorry about the last few days and things.

Like he said I think our situation right now makes things a little harder as well. I agree with that to a point. I think things changing will help but I don’t think it’s going to make it 100% better. I think it is going to be something we have to work at and it is going to be an on going conversation and work. But I think it is something he will be more open to. He see’s I do care and I’m not wanting to fight or just walk away. That I understand and care.

I feel a lot better since we talked.



{February 19, 2020}   Figured Something’s Out

After I finally told him Monday night what happen, why I am disconnecting, shutting down and having a hard time all really started to make since. Two and two went together all of a sudden. I knew when I was with my friend I was doing it to a point but didn’t really think much of it or worry about it. It wasn’t causing any issues. But with Jw things are different. I want that connection, closeness, and bond that should be there between couples. Not something that just feels like a hook up or what.

Before I get into the things I figured out let me go back to before things happened the way they did with father of the year. So that things make a little more since.

I was a little shy and embarrassed the first times or so. I wouldn’t be undressed in front of whoever I was with, I would get undressed and cover up if the lights were on or it was lit up in the room. I would wait until it was dark and get undressed. Then I would get dressed once they went to the other room or grab my stuff and go to the bathroom.

That was short lived thankfully, because it just hit me one day. You can get undressed and have sex with them and your good enough for that but scared what they might think or say if they see you naked? What since does that make? Your fine with your body and the way you look. If they have a problem with that then why are you doing anything more with them? So then after that I didn’t really think anything of it after that.

With that said I have always been very open to trying new things, exploring, and vocal. I say let’s try this, do this or don’t do this, I don’t like that, let’s try this instead. Talk dirty to each other just what we felt like doing or was comfortable doing. Sometimes that might just be moan. But I never thought twice about it or felt funny or worried about what the person I was with was going to say, do or think about it. Nor did I ever think anything of what they did or said. We were both just enjoying it. We be together or sometimes in our own little worlds or zones but still aware of what the other was doing or what. If that makes since.

Then with father of the year and his I’m his wife and its my place blah, blah bullshit things changed. Each time I became more and more distant, disconnected and shut down. The only things I could do to keep from crying through it all and to keep from feeling it or being a part of it or involved is more what I am looking for.

Ì noticed with Jw if I am laying on my back he is on top of me and holding himself up on his arms or legs it bothers me. I will tell him lay down relax, get comfortable. He won’t. He says he don’t want to put all his weight on me, he don’t want to hurt me. I tell him it os fine he isn’t going to hurt me. Honestly it feels good to me. It is comforting to me. I wasn’t sure why really. I just knew it bothered me for him to be over me like that but felt good if he laid down. Even if we are just laying there talking he will do that talk to me, kiss me or what playing around. It bothers me.

But thinking about it and everything that has went on it hit me. Father of The Year would get up over me and be like that when he would get mad and I was telling him no. So that i couldn’t move or what. When Jw does that I guess it triggers those memories. That is why I start to with draw or shut down.

But when or if he lays down and relaxes, it is comforting and a grounding type thing for me. I feel safe or that everything is okay. I don’t have to be on edge or expecting the worse I guess. I haven’t said anything to Jw about it yet. I haven’t said anything about anything that I have thought of or figured out yet. It’s been something we haven’t talked about and skirted around since we talked that night. There just hasn’t been a right time or good time the last few nights.

Something else I figured out was that I’m not vocal in anyway anymore really. We joke and laugh about being a “starfish” or what but that is how I feel. I stopped being vocal when all that was going on then when I was with my friend all those years there was almost always people around or coming and going and kids around so we were always pretty quiet then.

Now I start to be and I catch myself and stop myself. I think, is that okay to do? Is he going to say something? Get mad? Does he like that or will he? Is he just going to say I shouldn’t be doing that?

In my head I am telling myself it is fine not to worry about it. He isn’t going to think anything of it and probably like it. Of course now I’m all in my head instead of into what is going on and get all worried about that and it snowballs from there. Then I find myself thinking I wish he just finish already because now I’m not into it and now am I messing things up for him. On and on.

He likes different ways and things and will say lets try this or do this. I have no problem with that but then I feel self conscious if something happens or if I feel I’m not doing what I should be. Even though there isn’t always something to do.

If something happens or it seems he isn’t enjoying it or what I feel like I have done something wrong or not doing something I should be. I will ask him sometimes what je wants me to do or wants to do. I will do it. But lately i have noticed I am having a lot of pain with different things we have tried. I think it is a combination of a few things. The time of the month the fact my uterus is tilted and the fact I am having a hard time relaxing and just enjoying it.

He said the other night he is still nervous to a point as well and not real sure about things either. Because of the normal someone knew getting to know them and what they like or are okay with and just really learning each other and forming that bond or what ever you want to call it. I told him I in the same situation but also dealing with this on top of it. Again he just kept saying he understands not to worry about it, we can take our time, take things slow, figure out how to work through it. That it don’t change anything between us or how he feels. He still wants us. This isn’t going to run him off or scare him away. That he is sorry if he has done anything. I just keep telling him no because he hasn’t it’s me not him.

After thinking about it all and realizing the things I have. I figured out my biggest problem is not getting into it and stopping myself or holding myself back. I want to get into it and enjoy it like I use to. That bothers me the most and I feel that I need to get through first. The other things are things that if I am into it and have that connection aren’t really a problem.

When I was with RC, I didn’t have the same kind of problems. With him the main problem I had was just being all into it and then all of a sudden just shut down and not be able to do anything. Even though I wanted to. Other than that I didn’t have any problem when we were doing things.

But I’m really not sure how to handle it or what to do in order to work through it. I have even thought about trying to go back to counseling but I just don’t know how that is going to work because I don’t have insurance and haven’t had time to now when I wanted to.



{February 19, 2020}   Finally Had To Tell Him

As you know the other week I was going to go talk to Jw after work and tell him how damaged I am. All the shit I have been through and things that have happened to me. Because surely if he found out that one thing he wouldn’t stay and then I would know. I would know I was wasting my time like I did on all the rest. I would know he was lying and just saying what he felt I wanted to hear. I wouldn’t be wasting my time anymore or stressing over all the extra stuff since he came in the picture. But as you can read in my post damaged he was pretty sick and I wasn’t going to talk to him about all that at the time. I felt bad for him because he was miserable and I knew he wouldn’t be listening anyway. I couldn’t blame him.

Well early last week things ended up going a little further than expected one night and we have been together a few times since. The first night he was really nervous, in turn made me nervous. Mostly just again wondering if we were doing the right thing us being together over all. How it just seems odd or not real. He was in his last relationship for 8 years he said it been a while since he been with someone new or another women. It made it hard for me to get into at first but after a little bit we both relaxed.

The next time was alright but I had a hard time. It wasn’t really anything to do with him. More me and I couldn’t figure out why or what was bothering me so much.

Last night was horrible, I was into it and wanted to and then everything started happening. I just started shutting down and fighting disconnecting. We ended up just stopping. He could tell something was really bothering me and that something was wrong. He kept asking and saying he was sorry asking if he done something. I told him no that it wasn’t him it was me. We just laid there with him holding me, finally I just told him. I did not know what to say

I just told him it has been about 8 years or more since I was in a relationship but that I had a friend in that time. That being with someone in that way isn’t the same as being with someone in a relationship for me anyway.

That when I was with my ex husband before we got divorced things happened. That because of that I tend to disconnect and shut down. That I haven’t been in a relationship to know how things were going to go or work through it. I don’t know what is really wrong even but figured some things out.

He just pulled me close and didn’t really say anything. He was just quiet for a bit. He started to say something and stopped. I said I know you probably don’t know what to say, I don’t want you to say anything or looking for you to. He said I don’t know what to say. He said it’s alright you didn’t tell me sooner. He said it don’t change how I feel about you, or how I look at you. He said we will work through it. I still love you and I’m not going anywhere. I’m glad you told me and want to help you. We will figure out things together and I told you anytime you need or want to talk I am here.



et cetera
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