My step Dad went in the hospital before we left on our trip, I went up and tried to see him but couldn’t get in because the floor was closed for hours. I had to leave before they opened back up. But he was doing good and they were talking about sending him to rehab in the next day or two. So I wasn’t the phone worried about leaving. I kept in touch with my sister every day as well.

well he didn’t get out but was moved from ICU. I think they were waiting to make sure his meds were under control before moving him, I’m not 100% sure.

JW went back to work work Wednesday morning at 5. I was still on vacation until Monday. I didn’t get up to see him until Thursday. I seen him he didn’t look good he lost a lot of weight. But they were saying he was still doing good and going to rehab soon. I went up the next few days and seen him. Friday me and my sister went together to see him. Our other sister left for a cruise of all things. My sister said she told her that morning he couldn’t go to rehab and was going to go home and they were stopping treatment for the cancer. She still went on her cruse.

me and my younger sister got there and in a little bit they came to do something with him. We step to the side. This doctor come in the book walks up to his bed and starts telling him he needs a dnr and his daughter said he had to sign it she couldn’t make that call. She told him how the cancer was worse grown and spread. They couldn’t keep doing treatment and he needed to go on hospice care.

when she came in and started all this we walked over to his bed she said something about giving them some privacy. I said this is his daughter and we need to know what is going on. She let us stay. When she was done we walked over to the door with her and she started telling us what all was going on. She was saying she thought there was very poor communication between the doctor and family about everything that was going on. She was saying she didn’t think the family was understanding how bad it was and everything.

She said he is very malnourished and the cancer is to bad we can’t treat anymore. My sister said you’re giving up on him? The doctor said no not at all we are doing the human thing to do and making him comfortable and giving him quality over quantity. She said you all do not understand this this is the end.

I knew what she was saying before she came out and said that. I said so you are saying the end are you talking day’s,weeks or months? We need to know what is going on so we can know what to do for him.

She said weeks maybe a month. She started talking to me telling me more once she seen I understood what was going on. She kept saying please explain to them make them see this isn’t good what I am trying to say?

I told her yes an that our other sister was the one who had been handling it all and we didn’t always get the best info from her. I asked her if you can’t do anything for him why is he still here? Why can’t he go to a hospice house if he needed 24hr care so he could be more comfortable?

She said to me sister said she was going on a cruise would I keep him until she got back Monday. She said what was I going to say of course I will I want him taken care of. She was about in tears herself. She told us her dad died of the same thing and how her sister kept dragging him to treatments and things how bad it was.

She talked to us for a bit and left. He was so tired we told him w would come back later. When we left I told my sister I didn’t think our brother in Ohio knew or he would be here. She said she thought they told him that morning. I just didn’t think he knew so I told her to call him I was driving.

she called him and put him on speaker we asked him what he knew what update he had gotten? He was talking about him going to rehab and things.

I stopped him told him I had to tell him something. That we just talked to the doctor and he needed to know what she had said.

I told him he was not going to rehab. They were talking about hospice house. He was telling me I was wrong. I said they are stopping treatment and want a dnr in place. He said wait it is already done our sister already did it. I said no the doctor came in told him she said she couldn’t and he needed to decide and he wasn’t understanding. We told him how it spread and got bigger. He was saying it already had spread and the one spot got bigger. He was saying no it’s smaller it was already in these other places the doctor was knew didn’t know what she was talking about. I said look she told sister all this before she left I don’t know what she is telling you but this is what the doctor said the scan she just did today shows.

He said forget it I will be there tomorrow to get this all straightened out and I am calling his normal doctor. I said okay I am sorry to call with such news but I felt you needed to know before sister decided to tell you when it was convenient for her. He said thank you and he would see us the next day sometime his girlfriend was looking for flights at the moment.

{June 3, 2023}   Re: Oklahoma Bound

It’s been a long few weeks. The 16 me JW and the baby left on our trip to see JW’s dad. We didn’t pull out until about 10 pm. I wanted to leave at 6 but thing’s happened and we were delayed. We had both gotten up and was at work by 5 that morning, but he got off at 1. He was supposed to nap a while but didn’t.

I got home we picked up the rental car and last minute things for the kids. We got everything packed because he hadn’t bothered to pack at all. I had my stuff ready laid to the side. Once we got that all done we left.

I drove out and ended up driving just over the first 400 miles of the trip. We were in Georgia then. I stopped at a waffle house to get coffee feed the baby and stretch my legs a little bit. Then we got him dressed and ready for bed and got back on the road. He went right back to sleep. JW took over driving as well. We didn’t make it but a few hounded miles up the road and he was falling a sleep too. He didn’t sleep the whole time I was driving so he was no help. I got a little sleep and took back over. I honestly can’t even think of where or how many times after that we stopped. Few rest areas and a truck stop and a park. We slept for an hour or so here and there to hold us over until we got there.

We didn’t do horrible it took us just over 24 hours to get there. It said it was an 20 hour trip. But having to stop for gas, food and for the baby we made good time.

We got there just about 11pm that night. His step mom and sister had his dad out driving him around and making excuses why they couldn’t go home yet. We were going to his sisters house his dad was ready to be home in bed and never out that late. So they couldn’t just go to her house he would of wanted to drop her off and go home.

We got there and told them and they came pulling up. We didn’t know what they were doing until they got there and we got inside.

They pulled into the alley by the house and we parked behind them. Jw got out went up to the door and opened it said something to him. He said well hey I know who you are I seen you before but I don’t remember your name I’m sorry you have to tell me again. Jw said his name and something he said your son he said what not my son. he was telling him yes about that time they turned on more better light from somewhere he could see him better. He was so thrilled. They hadn’t seen each other in 13 or 15 years. He started about what he was doing all the way up there why I let him come up there. He had to go see the baby.

The baby was scared of him but he is of all new people. He let him get close but not to close just watch him. We all went inside and talked a while then they left. We were staying at his sister’s. We talked with her and her friend and boyfriend for a while and finally got to go to bed.

That was fun, I told him forever before we went to see where we were staying and trying to make sure I could find a decent hotel. He insisted it would be fine we would stay at one of their houses. I was worried if it was going to be clean and things for the baby he didn’t find anything out.

So we go get shower’s and lay down. We are putting 3 of us on this little air mattress. I was so cold all night and did everything to keep from falling off.

Finally morning came I was still exhausted from pretty much being up for going on 3 days. I hear his sister and her boyfriend on the other side of the door fighting over something. They weren’t loud you could tell they were mad but didn’t want us to hear.

I rolled over was trying to fall a sleep for even a few more minutes. Whatever until he got up we had to get up. As I closed my eyes I seen something move on the bed. I thought I was seeing a shadow and started to not look but something made me open my eyes and look.

When I did it was a bedbug. I woke him up and showed him. He seemed at first he was just going to go back to sleep. I googled it showed him I knew what I was talking about. I made him get up. We started packing everything and getting ready to go.

His sister didn’t seem surprised at all when he said something. I told him yeah because she already knew and wasn’t going to say anything. That made me mad. We packed everything up in trash bags and left. She said she had them paid someone to get rid of them but she guess it didn’t work that the room we were in had them the worst. Like really what the fuck. They had already been fighting at like 7 or 8 in the morning and the kids had gotten up they are wild and she is fighting with them. I already between that no where to really sleep and the kids I was going to find a room somewhere. More money I didn’t have but we had to sleep. I had been up since 4 am Thursday and it was now Saturday morning. I had had maybe 2 hours sleep in the car on the way and a few little 5 or 10 minutes power naps. I spent the night freezing and trying not to fall off the air mattress. I couldn’t do that for days and the make a 24 hour drive home.

We went from there to his dad’s house before we went to the motel. We get there to his big house he tells him about and JW is saying maybe we could stay there. No one had invited us to so I knew most it was going to be a no go. It was packed full of junk everywhere they didn’t even have a place to sit in the living room really. It is someone else’s house they are renting a room.

They have a petting zoo there on the property they feed the animals on the weekend. It was raining off and on and a sloppy mess. Here we sit outside. Slopping around feeding the animals.

From there they show us where the best motel in town is. I rent the room from Saturday to Tuesday even though we are leaving Monday at dinner time. I wanted to go sleep for a bit before we left Monday evening.

So here we sat on another trip where the only way to see anyone was to be out and about running around. Or sitting in the motel room. So again we didn’t do much we went to the store got stuff we needed to take care of our stuff and try not to get bedbugs and went out to eat. Then we went to the mall for awhile. I didn’t really want to go there but they did.

The motel was horrible it looked like they had water damage all over. We had a none smoking room, there was burn holes everywhere including in the comforter on the bed. The shower had been painted inside it was peeling. We had the oak and play we asked for an extra sheet for it and they refused to give us one. They said they didn’t give out extra blankets or sheets. Three of us checked in they gave us two towels. I asked for an extra one for the baby. They told us no they only give two per room and if we wanted more we had to bring those two back they would give us two more. I was not happy. But we already paid we just stuck it out. But we will not be going back there again. I never leave reviews but I did leave them a review for sure. That is crazy two towels for 3 people and we can’t use an extra sheet.i have never been anywhere like that.

It’s safe to say we won’t be making that trip again anyway. It’s a long drive and I am not making a trip like that again where there is no where to go and spend time together.

When we have family come in they have always stayed at my grandparents house or my house or depending how many split them up between the two. When I went to see my grandpa we always stayed at his house. Even when we went to RCs sister house we had to sleep on the pull out couch but we had a place to stay. We could of stayed at a motel at either but they had a place we could all go and spend time together entertain and not have to sit in the motel or run around to be able to see them. Guess we just come from very different backgrounds or raised differently. Even when we went to see the kids they have roommates but still they couldn’t have company over to visit for a few hours or to do a cookout or dinner one evening. I don’t mind getting a motel and would prefer it to go back to and have down time. But it’s nice to be able to go see people do things without having to always be on the run. You don’t get to spend any quality time with people that way. Even if I went to see my friend that moves to NC she would let us stay with her. I would get a room but we would go spent time with them do meals just hang out and relax and catch up. But there is just none of that when we went these two trips.

At least he got to meet his grampa and he got to see his dad. He hasn’t seen his dad in like 13 years. It maybe the last time he gets to see him.

We left Monday around dinner and got home around 11 pm Tuesday. It wasn’t a horrible drive there or back just a long one. It seemed as if we were never going to get out of Oklahoma or Arkansas coming or going.

{May 7, 2023}   Oklahoma Bound

We were supposed to take a family vacation up to see his dad and sisters but now it is going to be just me and him with the baby. I feel bad in a way but would rather it be this way. His dad is sick he has been in the hospital more this year than out. I forget why he was in there to start with. Then he went bac because he swallowed food wrong it got stuck. Then he ended up back in there because he got an infection in his throat from them getting the food out and whatever else they did. They were talking about sending him to a nursing home or rehab once he could go home. But hadn’t decided. He decided last week he was just tired of being there, so he checked himself out and went home. Now he is signed out against medical advice. I don’t know if he will go back if he gets bad or just not say anything until something happens. I think he is giving up and over doing this. He spent a ton of time in the hospital off and on last year as well. We are not prepared to take everyone on vacation and at this point I am thinking it wouldn’t be much of a vacation with him being sick and in and out of the hospital or if he ends up in a nursing home.

I know he is going to want to spend as much time as he can with him why we are there and we can’t drag everyone to the hospital or wherever they have him if he isn’t home. The kids aren’t going to want to spend the time in a motel or hospital either. If we take time to go do other things we will feel guilty. So I told him we can just go the three of us. Then In a month or two we will take a trip when we are more prepared and go to Tennessee for a week where we can do things. I want to check things out see about moving up there what everyone thinks about it there. I want to be able to explore. We will be an hour away from his daughter and about 2 hours of his other two kids if they want to come over and spend the day or a few days if they can get a room or place to stay.

I am not thrilled about this drive to and from his dad but I don’t want to fly. He is pushing to fly or for him to just take the baby and fly. But I don’t want the baby to be away that far for that long with a bunch of people I don’t know. He wants us all to fly the three of us but I don’t want to fly. I don’t want to be locked in that long or with a bunch of people like that. I would have to be knocked out and put on the plane and stay that way the whole time and taken off the plane. I told him did he really want to put up with me and the baby on a plane? He just looked at me.

I am still trying to figure out what we are going to drive because I don’t trust the van to make it. I was going to take oldest car but it needs some things done to it and we are down to the wire I don’t know what we are going to do. I am going to try and look at some of these car rental places and see if I can find a car cheap but I don’t know. I am thinking just take the van but I don’t know that it would make it that far with all the straight through driving we would be doing.

I am not even sure where we are going to be staying. I was already warrened by his mom to make arrangements at a motel or something. I am just not ready for all this. I just got our taxes filed Friday. They took mine but has an issue with his he has to fix tomorrow. I don’t think I will have mine back by Thursday when we are ready to go. I will have our checks to go on but I don’t think that is going to get us a car to go and a room. I mean it would but then I need to pay some other things that I can’t put off. I guess we will see how it all goes.

I think I am finally done updating on the last year or two, everything else will fall into place among other post. I updated the main things or big things for the most part, things that will come up in other post. You won’t be lost going wait when did that happen or where did that come from. I am glad to be with the updates, I am surprised how hard it was to remember what happened and when and details. But I know that is from the stress and trauma over the last few years. It is a lot easier to write about now than now and what happened.

I am so aggravated with myself, I had posted everyday since I started back, I was 19 day in posting at least one time a day. A log of times two or three. Now it has been 3 days I think since I posted. I thought I had things together and posting, I guess I was confused and they posted the day before. I had been doing good about getting at least my one post written up in advance and then doing the second one later if I had free time and felt like writing. I would take that time to get the next post ready before I wrote another for the day. But then got thrown off and it has been hard trying to get back into the swing of it. I am starting new today.

Me and JW have been spending more time together the last few days as well and that has been nice. My friend I had not seen in years was down visiting she leaves in a bit to go home so I made dinner and had her over and caught up with her for the last 3 or 4 hours. Now I am sitting here watching a movie with the kids waiting to pick JW up at 9 so we can go to bed to start this crazy week tomorrow. I figure I will post tonight to start the week off and start working on other post when I have my free time tomorrow at work. It is harder doing it there because it is on my phone but it seem to be when I have the time to really work on it. Thought about getting a tablet and try using that. I don’t think anyone would say anything or really notice honestly. But if I took my laptop and tried to work on that something would be said. If not said everyone would want to know what I was doing and all about it. I don’t care of them to know everything.

I have caught up on sleep as well, the last few days. Yesterday I slept in until after 11:30 in the morning. JW did too. I woke up earlier but felt bad for him and let him sleep. The baby was not wanting to sleep Friday night, I guess I fell a sleep on the couch sitting out there with them watching tv and things. He woke me up and told me to go to bed. I woke up at one point and heard him coming in the back door from outside. I thought I felt him get in bed but I fell right back to sleep. I woke up later and rolled over to put my arm around him and he wasn’t there. I looked at my phone and it was 4am, I knew he must be on the couch with the baby. I went and sure enough he was between the two and the baby was beside him sleeping. I woke him up and told him to put him in bed and come to bed. I knew he had been up late with the baby for him to have been sleeping out there with him and was really uncomfortable out there like that so I let him sleep in.

Once we got up we got some stuff accomplished. We took the kids down to the village and walked around the arts and craft fair. After that they wanted to stop at the library to check on setting up a DnD game there on the weekends. I had to go to the phone store so I dropped them off and told them I would be back by the time they closed if not sooner. It was only about and hour and half before they closed so not a long time. We went to the phone store and stopped by JW’s old job and talked to them for a bit because it is right next to the phone store. After that we picked them up came home and relaxed for a bit and went food shopping and came home and had dinner and just relaxed the rest of the night.

Today we slept in a little but not as late, then we ran to Sam’s to pick up the things we needed there and got gas. I dropped him off at work on the way home. Then came home put chicken in the crockpot for dinner for us and my friend and hung out with her ad the kids the rest of the afternoon/ evening.

He wanted his mom to come down for Christmas but didn’t think she would and wasn’t sure we would be able to get her a ticket. But he asked her if we did if she would come? At first she wasn’t sure. She was worried about the kids up there, how they would get to/from school and who would be home with them. She had to think about it.

To start with he ask his brother if him and his family wanted to come they all could of drove down together. They all live together. none of them would of had to get a room. his brother and family could of stayed in oldest room. She had a queen bed and we had twin mattresses we could of put in there for the kids. His mom could of stayed in Little Bitty’s room. The two girls could of slept in middle sons room. He had a full size bed and a twin bed. girls could of shared the full he could sleep in the twin. So that was all taken care of. It would of cost them their gas to get here and home. But his brother didn’t want to do that and said no.

We ended up being able to get his mom a ticket to come down and he told his brother he would have to work out the kids why she was gone. He said okay. Then he told him he bought the ticket for right at a month. He just said okay.

She got her the 9th of December and went home the 3rd of January. It was a nice time for the most part. It was the first time she had been home for Christmas in 8 years. Since she left here and went up there.

Here sister got sick and was in and out of the hospital and had been put back in just a few days before she got here. The day after she got here I took her up to see here.

Here sister was so excited to see her then went right to telling her how she was going home the next day she needed someone to take care of her. Just basically telling her she was going to spend her time here taking care of her. Normally when she comes in the summertime she stays with her. But we paid for her to come and brought her down to spend time with JW and the baby. Not over there taking care of her the whole time and it was to give her a break from taking care of everyone. All she does at home. I didn’t say anything I just let them talk and stayed out of it. Figured I would wait to see what happened before I did. We got home and she called her sisters daughter and talked to her. She told her she had everything worked out already not to worry about it. I figured she should have she is the one here and would of had to anyway and didn’t know she was coming in until a day or so before.

Later after Christmas and everything she said something about her sister being mad at her and that she had hardly had anything to say to her since she left the hospital that day. Said she didn’t even talk to her when we were all there for Christmas right at her house. She ended up back in the hospital again when she was getting ready to leave. She went over and seen her the day she was leaving. After she had been home a few days she started talking to her again. I don’t blame her for not wanting to spend the month over there with her. Or take care of her, she is just like my mother or close to it. She did tell them if they needed her to she could come over some for a few hours or so to help but she wasn’t going over there to stay or take care of her the whole time she was here.

It was nice having her here but I was ready when she went home. Every time we walked out of the house she went with us. She can’t walk around for to long so she goes to the car or just rides and sits in the car. I feel like I have to rush or can’t go everywhere I need to because she is waiting. Me and him already have no time alone and that is the one time we get a little bit of time alone to talk about things we need to or what. We couldn’t do that. One time I did get mad and said something. I wasn’t trying to be nasty. But I think I was a little bit. I was tired it was late and I had to go get oldest from work. I had been trying to talk her him all day about something I can’t even remeber what. I asked him to go with me he said something. His mom said I will ride with you. He said oh ok mom can ride with you. I really don’t feel like it or something. I got a little aggervated and he could tell and asked what was wrong. I didn’t have to go by myself she was going to go with me. I said because I have been trying to talk to you all day about something and can’t get anytime alone to. He said something still didn’t really want to go and she said no it’s fine you two go I will keep the baby so you can talk or what. He didn’t like that then but he went. I had said when she said she would go I ask you to go. That is when he started about not wanting to and everything.

Why she was here she said something about the fridge door in the laundry room and how it open and not being able to get into it. I said I know some you can turn around. I said I didn’t want it there to start with and have asked him for over a year to turn it around. But just something else that never gets done.

He got so mad come through the kitchen telling me to shut up he didn’t want to hear my shit today. His mom was like what, why would you say that to her? He said something about I’m always complaining about shit or something like that. I said I wasn’t complaining she ask about the door I told her why it was like that, I just simply told her the truth. Wasn’t complaining. She said something about not letting things go and getting things done. I said I don’t go in there and use it. If I need something I have him get it or ask the kids. I do enough I refuse to fight with it.

Another time I was cooking and they were sitting in the living room talking and watching tv. I was messing with all this hot stuff and the baby kept getting under foot. I was worried he was going to get burnt and just needed to be able to move around quicker and get things done. No one wants to be putting up with someone running around in the way why they are trying to do something. It’s worse when everyone is sitting around doing nothing why you are and not helping get them out of the way. I finally hollered and ask if he would come and get him. I had already asked a few times and he would get him and let him come right back or just call him and never get him.

He comes off with have one of the kids get him. I was done, that just pissed me off to no end. That is what he loves to say about things, have the kids get him, have the kids help you, let the kids do it, have the kids do it. Seems whatever I ask at times. I yelled now and told him I was so sick of hearing let, have or get the kids to do something. If I wanted to have them do it all the time I would ask them and if I was going to ask them to do it all the time like he wanted I sure the hell did not need him here. I don’t know what his mom said but he got up and got him. I don’t think I heard anything about the kids again after that for a while. Then it was did I think the kids could or would.

Don’t get me wrong my kids can help but the thing is they do help, ALOT. They split up the household chores for the most part and clean their own rooms, do their own laundry. They also do extra here and there if I ask them too. But for him to expect them to do everything because he don’t want too. At the time he was working 10 to 15 hours a week mostly 10 sometimes 20. He helped cook dinner, wash ours and the babies clothes and take care of the baby when I was at work, that was about it. Most those things other than cooking or taking care of the baby he only did once maybe twice a week. I had the baby from the time I got off, took him to work, took oldest to work, took boys to kickboxing and little bitty to dance. Then I would pick them up from dance and boxing and go home. Do dinner or cook it then by the time I got done doing that and sat everyone down to eat I had to turn around and go get him from work and her from work. Most nights I did not get home until almost 11 at night. To eat myself, shower, and hopefully go to bed and get some sleep. But 9 times out of 10, I had to feed the baby before or while I ate, and then get him cleaned up. Then I would have to get his bath if he needed one get him changed and dressed for bed, make his bottle and put him to bed. Before i could shower and think about going to bed. If I said something to him he get nasty about how he had him all day or something. I would go to bed and did not get up at night to take care of the baby when he got up and if he didn’t go to bed I stopped staying up with him. I had to be up to early.

His mom would say I don’t know what is wrong with him and his brother this is not how I raised them they are just like their dad. She did say he did a lot more than his brother around the house. He won’t cook a meal wash a dish or a load of clothes. Said he won’t even carry her chair for her when they go to ball games for the kids or nothing. I said well he don’t have a choice but to help if he wants to be here because I am not doing it all why he sits. I am not waiting on him like he is a king. She said I don’t blame you.

It was a ruff month. I don’t know why I thin just the stress of the holidays, his hours being cut and me already having a hard time. Then someone else in the house all that time. I don’t like people in my house for long periods of time. A couple of days and I am ready for them to leave. Just the same I don’t like to be at other peoples houses at all and a day or two a way from home is more than enough most the time. If I go to visit someone I will stay at a hotel instead of staying with them. I need that space to go back to away from everyone and have down time. I also do not sleep when I stay with someone else. If I do I don’t sleep well. I wake up a million times.

Over all it was an okay time.

I was stressed from everything going on being so sick the the new baby and just over all trying to get the house put together everything unpacked. (It’s still not). I just needed a break. I decided to take a weekend trip. I was going to go to South Carolina to see my friend J. But then I started thinking about JW’s kids and them not seeing the baby yet. He hadn’t seen them since COVID and his youngest daughter’s graduation.

His birthday is in October so I decided to take a trip up to see them. As an early birthday gift, but it was going to be a surprise. I let him think we were going to my friends still. I took about a month to plan and get everything straight. I told the kids and told them not to tell him or anyone. Because I know his mom has a big ass mouth and can’t keep shit to herself.

I decided we would go up where his two younger kids live since we had been talking about moving up to that area or close by. His oldest is just less than 2 hours a way in Tennessee. She said she would come over and get a room for the weekend. We got it all set up I let them know at work and told him to let them know. We were leaving on Thursday night driving straight through the night and get there Friday morning. I wanted to have the weekend up there and to drive through the night so the baby would sleep.

Then his oldest tells me she can’t come she doesn’t have money for the room. I wasn’t sure what to do about her I told her to wait not cancel it. Let me get back with her about it. I figured things out and was able to pay for her room as well. She said soon as she had it she would give it back to me. I haven’t seen it yet. But that’s okay, if we do it again or something again she “don’t have the money” I am just going to tell her sorry we will miss her and leave it at that. If she comes she comes. If not okay.

JW took the wrong day off he took off Friday Eve thought he doesn’t work Fridays. I sent him messages over and over telling him the day he swears he called me and ask I told him Friday. But why didn’t him or his job question it when he doesn’t work Fridays? I am positive I told him the right day because it was important that he have the day we left off. I wanted him to help pack the truck and things. I also wanted him to sleep some so he could drive first or shortly into the trip, I had been up since 5 am so I knew I would be tired earlier than him. He didn’t and didn’t try to change it.

As I said the shop had my truck and got nothing done. I didn’t even have my truck when I was heading to drop him off at work I was trying to figure out what to do. I was so tired and stressed. I was telling him I needed his help and to please just call in. I never ask him to call unless it was something we really needed to take care of or I just really needed him. I had ask him to take extra time off when I had the baby because of how sick I was before and after and needing to get the house cleaned out. He got mad he was mad this night too.

He started telling me it wasn’t his fault things weren’t done and that he had to work. Telling me how I could take care of it all and laid the truck and everything else that had to be done to go. I was telling him I just needed help, I needed him with me. He just acted like a dick. I was so upset and hurt I was screaming going down the street on the way to take him to work. Mind you at the time I was dealing with horrible post Partum depression. He just didn’t get it he said I was being selfish and just get the kids to do it. I lost it when I was screaming at him I said do you know where we are going? He said yeah to see your friends you wanted to take this trip I will just stay home I don’t even want to go with you. I said no we aren’t going to see my friend, he insisted we were. I said no we are going to see your kids. He said no we aren’t we are going to see your friends. I said no that’s what I told you but we aren’t we are going to visit your kids so they can meet the baby and you can see them as an early birthday gift. He just looked at me and was like well all this isn’t my fault. You are taking it out on me. I said no it isn’t your fault it isn’t mine. I am not saying it’s anyone’s I didn’t expect this. But I am telling you all this happened unexpectedly and fault aside, and planned or not I am telling you I need help and asking you to please help me. He just went to work. Never said anything about the fact we were going to see his kids or anything.

I wanted to say fuck it and not even go, but I did want to get away and relax. I wanted to check things out. I asked the girls what there was to do around there and told them I didn’t want to go do a bunch of like tourist like stuff but I didn’t want to go and sit in the motel all weekend either. Just get out do whatever. They said okay.

I picked him up from work we got gas and things and got on the road by about 11. Not even sure my truck was going to even make it. I drove up to Jacksonville let him drive up into Georgia and took over again. I had to stop not to far up the road from where we stopped to eat and I took over. I just couldn’t hold my eyes open and kept going off the road.

I stopped at a rest area and took about a 30 minute power nap went to the bathroom and we got back on the road. once it got day light we were in bigger area with a ton of traffic I had him take over. The rest of the way about an hour or two.

We got to the motel around 10 and his daughter was already there. We couldn’t check in so we went to get breakfast. I ended up paying for all their meals her and the boyfriend all weekend. Dinner for everyone two nights. We didn’t do anything other than go shopping to get things we needed why we were there. Someone said something about the flea market we could of went there or took the baby to the park or anything but no. The younger two kids we seen for maybe 2 hours why we were there all together they worked and had stuff to do.

I said something to JW about just sitting in the motel he was like there is nothing to do around here. I said there is something I’m sure. What about the flea market and things in a town or so away? We passed a bunch of stuff. So Sunday after we checked out of the motel we went picked his ex wives step dad up and went to the flea market. He found out JW was there and he wanted to see him and the baby. So his son went to pick him up we followed him because we had to follow him to the flea market. I seen where he use to live up there before he came back here. I didn’t care we picked him up he went with us. He was nice the baby liked him. Everyone said they were much closer to him than their grandma. He liked the baby and told him to have us bring him back him JW would take him fishing like they did JWs other son when he was little. He told JW he better treat me right and take care of me he did good and he was happy to see he was doing so well and happy.

Once we left the flea market we said goodbye to everyone and left. I wanted to find some other things to do close by and travel home in the night like we traveled there. I wanted the baby to sleep. He insisted we needed to get home we both worked the next day me early at 6am. I was fine but he was worried about it. We got few towns down and stopped for a bit and got us some lunch. I wanted to get something decent because we been having breakfast stuff and fast food for dinner in the evening. We stopped at Applebee’s.

The rest of the trip we stopped a couple little places for a few minutes. Mostly just to calm the baby because he was horrible on the way home screaming none stop it seemed like. A 9 to 10 hour trip took almost 18 hours.

Over all I am glad they got to meet the baby and he got to see his kids. But if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t do it again. I would of went to South Carolina and seen my friend. It would of been a much more relaxed trip and enjoyable. But they all had a good time I guess.

Since I was supposed to have the baby the end of February his mom had planned to make her next trip down in March instead of July like she normally does. She couldn’t wait to see the baby. She went over picked her friend up on the way here and brought her down with her. She was in South Carolina. She went to her daughter’s house to stay and his mom went to her sister’s to stay. She always stays there.

JW quit his job right before she came down. I think the 11th was his last day. We talked about it and we did not want the baby in daycare. Daycare or in home care would cost more than he was making in a month. Me quitting my job was not a. Option. I was making almost twice what he did in a week. My hours are do flexible as are my days. I get decent benefits it has taken me to long to get where I am and to have the flexibility. Plus we would never make it on what he made even if I worked part time. So we decided he would find a different job and work evening’s. As long as he could pay his child support, give me some each week and have something left for himself.

Since his mom was coming we agreed he would work out the next week and then be done. I agree to pay his child support for 2 months so he could take time to find something that would work around the hours he could work and let him be off on Friday and Saturday. This way he didn’t have to just jump on the first thing offered. He was going to take off the week his mom was here and then start looking and applying. And get the info for child support so we could pay it until he started working again.

His mom came and was just thrilled to see the baby. He got to spend some time with her. We went a few places and seen some of their friends. Then had a little BBQ at the house so others could get together and see her before she left since they weren’t able to set up a time to see her. Over all it was a good visit. It was nice to have him home for a bit.

{February 21, 2023}   Are We To Broken 💔

JW and I have had a lot of up’s and downs over the last year. I feel like it’s way more downs than up’s. I don’t like the way I feel, I truly love him in love with him but I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel we are so badly broken that we can’t come back together again. I feel like because of me being sick as soon as we moved in and not being able to help with the move or anything else and then everything that comes with having a new baby we haven’t been ourselves since we got here. Things should be getting easier with the baby and they aren’t. He doesn’t want to sleep at night me getting up so early and now JW has to too. Nights are stressful and lately if we get a night or even a few minutes alone is a fight to get. Then the stress between us is so high and words have been said we hardly have any thing to do with each other. We lay in bed on our sides and do stuff on our phones. I try to keep it to a few minutes not long but give him time to lay down destress then I put mine up and try to have some time with him. He will play another 20 minutes or more. By then I am passing out.

There is a lot more going on too but I think the stress of the baby over all is really impacting things. I try I try really hard but I’m having a hard time with him still he doesn’t get that, he acts like I’m a horrible person because I am having a hard time right now. That I feel horrible because of it and his attitude doesn’t make it any better.

Last night the two middle kids took the baby for a while to play with him and watch him so we could lay down and relax. I went to get a shower he never came in. I got out he got in. I laid down he finally came to bed. I set my alarm and laid the phone on the nightstand and rolled over to him. He set his alarm put the phone down and never even looked at me wrapped up in his blanket and ignored me. I laid there a few minutes and just scooted over rolled over and went to sleep. in the night at some point he came over and put his arm around me. But what’s that the way things are and he did when we laid down.

I just don’t know I am so tired and we can’t get on a schedule because his hours are never the same. I don’t even know if I want things to be better or if I want them to be done and him out. Deep down I want us but I don’t feel he does really. I feel he settled. I hate that feeling. I don’t know if it is me because of the way things are or what anymore.

this has ended up just being a update of what is going on/happened with my mother. I plan to do a update on everyone individually as well once I finish my general updates. This one just seemed to turn into that for her so we will just go with it.

Let’s back up to December 10th the Friday I got off of work early and was called home for an emergency.

I had worked extra hours all week so I took off work around 3. I went shopping for furniture because we needed a lot of stuff. I didn’t really want to buy new but some of our stores have really good deals. I was just going to see what they have.

I didn’t even get half way through the store when my phone started ringing. I didn’t know who it was I didn’t answer they kept calling back. Then my oldest called and said the police were at the house and wanted to talk to me. Mind you I am over 30 miles from home.

I get on the phone and they tell me my mother had called them. They were there and she was telling them all this crazy stuff. She thinks there are people hacking everything phones, computer anything that hooks to the internet. She been this way for a while and just getting worse. They were trying to convince her to go with them they wanted me home to talk to them. So I went home and they finally convinced her to go with them on a ventilator Baker act. That was fine with me best thing that could happen. If you go back and read my post about CPS/DCF being called and some of the other post about her you will see she needs help.

They took her held her for like 4 or 5 days. I didn’t hear from her but once and she would not allow them to talk to me. Then we found out some how she was released. Could not get a hold of her. We had no way to she didn’t have a phone. The hospital said they sent her in a cab back to the address she was picked up at. I told them no she was not there would not go back there she was scared to and had no key to get in. They insisted that is where they sent her.

We called the cab company they said they couldn’t tell us if they picked her up or where they took her. Then the hospital is telling me at one point they didn’t know how she left or with who. Then said they watched camera and seen her leave in the cab. Then someone else there said they walked her out personal and put her in the cab.

We had so many mixed messages from the hospital and the cab not telling us anything we went to the police. The hospital she left was in the same city as my new house. I live less than 5 minutes from the police department. I went there and filed a missing person report. They called the cab company they said the only person they picked up from there was a black female. So we knew that wasn’t her. The police went back to the hospital to try and get more info. It took them forever they couldn’t tell us anything.

Then a few days before Christmas she called me said she was about 10 miles away from my new house in a motel. Then never heard from her again until well into 2022. I couldn’t call the motel or go there because she left and didn’t tell anyone where she was. I just told the police she called.

she ended up staying in the motel for like 7 months until she ran out of money. She had over $10k she could of done something not wasted it at the hotel. Low and behold when she left there she freaked out and ended up being Baker acted again. This time for longer.

She told the workers they could call me and gave them my number and we talked a few times. Then she told them they couldn’t talk to me for a bit. She doesn’t like that I tell them what is really going on and they know something is wrong with her.

She went so far as to tell me that the first time she was Baker acted at the other place they believed her and told her they did. But no one would help her because I told them she was crazy. I said if they truly believe you and told the cops that they would help you. Do you really think they would believe me over medical personnel? I don’t think so. Well that’s why they aren’t helping me. I just said okay whatever if so I would place a complaint.

This time in July they kept her for around 3 weeks. They we’re in the process of trying to go to court and commit her for at least 30 and force medication because she was refusing it. They wanted me to come to court tell them what all was going on. Then they stopped calling me. I didn’t hear from her again until September then she wanted money as always. Then it was the day after Christmas and not again until yesterday. She was wanting money.

All I know is when they let her out of the circle’s of care from being Baker acted they put her in a “safe house” and a worker is trying to get her social security for her because she let it go. I think September she was saying she had to leave there soon but she still somewhere they have her. She won’t give anyone a number or tell them where she is that is fine. I probably won’t hear from her for another 6 months. But that is okay. The stuff my kids told me after we got moved she will never be welcome in my house again even for a visit. I hope she gets the help she needs and can live in peace and not fear but she can’t be back in our lives.

{February 4, 2023}   Trying To Decide

I have been gone for about two years and feel like I am finally able to start writing again. I am trying to decide if I should keep this blog or start a whole new one. I figured I would test the waters here and see how many of my followers are still here and how many views I am still getting. I won’t be back in full force right away. As I am using my phone right now. I haven’t been on my computer in about as long as I have been on here. I am locked out of it. I have to get it out this weekend and try to get into it. And make a place I can set it up. That will take a little longer as I have to move 5 out of the 6 “bedrooms” moved so I can get my office space set up.

My goal is to write at least one to two times a week. More if I can. I want to really focus on quality and what all I want to do with it or where I want to go over all. For right now I will work on getting you all as caught up on everything that has went on the last two years. And boy is there a lot to catch you up on. We will work through the good, the bad, the ugly and maybe some funny. But one thing is for sure, there will be some shocking.

I have missed writing so much. It’s very therapeutic for me. It let’s me get all my thoughts and feeling out in a safe space. It’s nice to get every one’s feedback as well. The mine things that kept me away was having no internet for a long time and then getting so extremely sick. No nothing to do with COVID. Luckily that missed our house even with being “essential” and working the whole time. I hope you all came out well too.

I am going to go for now I hope to be back again in the next few days. I look forward to seeing comments and likes from old friends and new ones as too. I am just going to leave you with a little bit of a teaser.

et cetera
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