We didn’t do anything for New Year’s this year. Infact we were in bed by 9/9:30 that night. He had to be at work by 5am New Year’s day. I had to be up to take him.

I seen the house down from us looked as if they were getting ready for a party and their were fireworks going off everywhere. They had been for days. Later I went out and they were having a block party. I knew nothing about it but I didn’t care they were not bothering me. If they did they only do it a few times a year so not a big deal.

His mom was still here then too. She didn’t go anywhere or do anything either.

Part of my Christmas gift from work was a bottle of peanut butter whiskey. I decided to have some. I tried some in my tea it wasn’t very good. I did a few shots it was good. I had some coffee made there so I decided to have some in my iced coffee. Oh my that was good. A few shots or so and some cream.

After finished mixing my drink I walked back outside for something and the lady across the street from me and the one down the street from me were sitting out on the side yard talking. I walked over was talking to them.

The lady who lives at the house said something about the party and the people right across not coming. She said they told you all right? I said no one told us anything. she looked so embarrassed. She said I am so sorry, they told me they were telling you all then said they had. Then when it was time they didn’t come out and messaged and said they weren’t coming out they were going to bed or something. They seen us take some cake and birthday balloons in so they thought we were celebrating a birthday that was why we hadn’t come out.

The cake and stuff was mine. Since mine is the day after Christmas we hadn’t done anything. My sister and us met at the park that day to let the kids play and when we pulled up they had cake and balloons with gifts and surprised me. We were bringing those in. But it really wasn’t a big deal I told her that. I said I seen you all setting up but I didn’t know it was for a block party I thought you had people coming over. I didn’t think anything of it.

I didn’t we all do things like anyone else that we don’t invite the block to. When we came out it was a block party I figured one of a few things happened. They just spur of the moment decided to do it figured everyone who wanted to would come out when they seen and got ready, they told the kids and they forgot to tell us, or we weren’t home when they were doing planning they were going to tell us. it wasn’t a big deal she was all worried about it. Was worried that is why we weren’t staying.

I told her no we had to be up by 4am and we had been up most the night with the baby the night before. We were getting ready to go to bed.

The one lady from down the street I like she said what’s in your coffee or is it just coffee? I told her it had peanut butter whiskey in it. She was like oh I never thought of that it’s one of my favorites, I have a bottle at home. She said now I have to try it.

We talked a few minutes and went in to bed. Over all it was a good New Years Eve. Much better than last years. I was to sick to do anything he had wanted to have a party when we first moved in. I told him at that point I was fine if he had a party as long as he didn’t get mad that I spent the night at my old house. He said no that I was to sick he wasn’t going to have a party and didn’t want me staying over there alone and sick. I honestly didn’t care. But that was an uneventful new Year’s Eve too.

Then of course New Year’s day we didn’t really do anything either. He went to work we did a little shopping for the house that was about it.

I made salmon and he made shrimp for dinner his mom was wanting shrimp and fish before she left. She was very surprised how good it came out. She said it was best she had. That’s says a lot because she always has something to say about most places or people’s cooking.

I just hope this year is a good year for us all. I am truly just in the last couple of months starting to feel like my old self and completely over being so sick when I was pregnant.

So shortly after I started back to work My Good Friend called me and said that DCF/CPS was at his house and they needed someone to take the kids. He said for a week probably at the most. I told him let me talk to JW and call him back in just a few minutes.

Me and JW talked about and figured out we could make room and make it work I had a felling it would be longer than a week but we would cross that bridge when we got to it. His kids can be a handful. I love them to death like they are my own but they are 4 little boys and they are all little boys. I figured we would try it for the week or two and if it was going to be longer we would see how things were working out.

I called him back and the worker got on the phone with me and started talking about it would be longer than a week. It would probably be closer to a year. I was telling JW what she was saying and put her on speaker. We were just looking at each other like should we or shouldn’t we? Can we handle this for a while? I thought about it and stopped her. I said okay let me ask you a few questions? I asked her what we had to do to qualify and about background checks and things like that. She asked what was on it and I told her. She said we didn’t qualify. Because of a charge he has from years ago with his ex.

Later he asked me if I would do visitation for him because they didn’t have anyone to do it. I told him yes, and he said he had to get me the paperwork to go do the background check. I filled it all out and went to do it. They called said I passed and we could start doing the visits. They gave me his sisters phone number and said to get in touch with her to set everything up. I hate his sister she is such a trouble maker. She tries to start shit with everyone regardless if she knows them or if they have anything to do with her or not. I hadn’t talk to her in years and asked a question on line and she tried to start there. I didn’t even get a chance to contact her and she was calling me. I had already made my mind up that I was not talking to her on the phone. All communication would be by text so it was in writing and she couldn’t say I said something I didn’t or twist what all I said. In a minute when I didn’t answer she was messaging me.

First thing she started about what was allowed and what wasn’t and when she could meet to bring them and how she is really busy so she needs a set schedule and wanted a commitment of days and hours that would be the same from the time we started until they didn’t need someone to do it anymore. I told her I was not doing that. I told her I would give her a schedule every Friday for the following week. She insisted that wasn’t good enough. Then she was telling me all this other stuff she said was the “rules” they told her had to be followed and that if it wasn’t set for good she wouldn’t be able to guarantee she would approve the days or hours.

I hung straight up and called the worker and said I need to get some answers because I don’t know that what she is telling me is right and I can’t do all the demands that she wants. The worker said no giving her days and hours the Friday before was fine but it maybe hard for her to have them there over the weekend if the only notice she had was Friday. I said no the I will give her days and times on Friday that will start for that Monday through Sunday and Friday she will get a new one. So if she got it this Friday the week times would be the following not the next day. She set other things straight and basically like I thought she was just trying to twist everything and make it her way or no way. I wasn’t playing that game with her. I had to do that a few times and it got to the point where if something came up I had a question about or needed to let her know that I knew could be an issues because she wouldn’t like it, I would call her text the worker let her know what we wanted to do and ask her if that was alright and we had permission to do it. Once she said yes then I would message her and let her know that this was what was going on and what we needed to do or plan to do. I would add at the end this has been approved by the worker already. That way she couldn’t say to much about it. She still would but it didn’t do any good.

She had the kids so restricted that I was only doing it two sometimes three days a week because she couldn’t meet until this time or that time and she would have a problem with me picking the kids up from daycare or camp. She didn’t want to put me on the list so she would have to let them know every time I needed to do it. Then it would be a mess because she wouldn’t tell them and they would have to call her and of course they wouldn’t be able to get a hold of her. Then when her brother would message her she would magically be available and call. But it would take 2 or 3 times longer to get them picked up and get where we needed to be. She got to where she would show up late to drop them off or bring half of them off and someone else would have the rest and be bringing them. Then knowing I needed to leave on time she would show up late. It was always a fight to get something set up then she would be late.

Me and JW took a trip in September and My good friend was supposed to fix my truck. His dad was supposed to do it. I gave him the truck 3 weeks before we were to leave for a job that was supposed to take a weekend. It wasn’t done the night I was supposed to leave and then there was more of a mess. And his dad didn’t do it his brother did. His brother wasn’t supposed to ever be touching any of my vehicles. I had already told him I wouldn’t be doing any more days until a week or so after I got back.

I was talking to JW on the trip and I told him I wasn’t doing anymore days. Putting up with all the shit I was from his sister and all that I was going to keep putting up with from her if I kept doing it and he couldn’t do something as simple as get my truck fixed for me to make sure it would make it on this trip and be safe. I had no choice but to take it because I had nothing else. He agreed that it should of been a top priority and that his brother should of never been touching it. He kept asking about it when I got back and if I had figured out anything yet.

I really didn’t know how I was going to do it anyway because the boys started kickboxing three days a week and Little Bitty started dance 2 days a week when public school started back. I started an appointment every week I had to go to as well and Little Bitty had one on top of dance. I just told him I had to much on my plate he just said okay. I figured he was going to say something about it and I was just going to tell him that after the way I was done over my truck I wasn’t doing it. If it came between our friendship it just did. I could of worked it into my week but it would of cut into our family time and my down time. Just the 4 hours a week I was doing had me wore out and stressed out just dealing with her. I was over that as well because the workers got to where they were just telling everyone what they wanted to hear. I didn’t want to be in the middle of it anymore. I wanted to tell him that I was mad about my truck that was really why I wasn’t doing it but I just let it go as there was to much going on because there really was. I felt horrible not doing it because of the kids. I had such a good time with them most the time when we were out and they would always be just as happy to see me as their parents. I got to be really close with the one he was just a real sweetheart and was my buddy. But I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was so grouchy and nasty all the time because I wasn’t ever getting 5 minutes to myself and I was always running.

He still hadn’t seen them in October when Halloween rolled around so I told him if they would let them they could bring them and go trick or treating with us and the kids. But that I would have my kids with me and JW would be with me. I wasn’t going to not spend it with my kids and then go spend it with his. I told him to talk to the worker and I would set up a place and time and he could let them know. So that is what we did and she meet us over at JW job and we went around there because it was getting late by the time he got off and could go with us. She said something about all them being with me. He told her the worker knew and that he was there to take care of our kids so I could help watch them better. She didn’t say anything else after that.

I think that was the last time they seen them until a week or two a go. He messaged me and said they finally had all the paperwork done and got to go to court again and got it approved for them to have unsupervised visits in public with the kids. They can go to a movie or park, the mall or libabry. Really anywhere as long as it isn’t their house or someone else. If that goes good for a bit they will be able to take them home and start doing over nights. Then hopefully they can go home for good.

That was a mess and a half and I was so glad to be done with it. I felt guilty because I was out at the parks and things with them more than I was getting to do stuff with my own. Just a lot going on.

Since I was supposed to have the baby the end of February his mom had planned to make her next trip down in March instead of July like she normally does. She couldn’t wait to see the baby. She went over picked her friend up on the way here and brought her down with her. She was in South Carolina. She went to her daughter’s house to stay and his mom went to her sister’s to stay. She always stays there.

JW quit his job right before she came down. I think the 11th was his last day. We talked about it and we did not want the baby in daycare. Daycare or in home care would cost more than he was making in a month. Me quitting my job was not a. Option. I was making almost twice what he did in a week. My hours are do flexible as are my days. I get decent benefits it has taken me to long to get where I am and to have the flexibility. Plus we would never make it on what he made even if I worked part time. So we decided he would find a different job and work evening’s. As long as he could pay his child support, give me some each week and have something left for himself.

Since his mom was coming we agreed he would work out the next week and then be done. I agree to pay his child support for 2 months so he could take time to find something that would work around the hours he could work and let him be off on Friday and Saturday. This way he didn’t have to just jump on the first thing offered. He was going to take off the week his mom was here and then start looking and applying. And get the info for child support so we could pay it until he started working again.

His mom came and was just thrilled to see the baby. He got to spend some time with her. We went a few places and seen some of their friends. Then had a little BBQ at the house so others could get together and see her before she left since they weren’t able to set up a time to see her. Over all it was a good visit. It was nice to have him home for a bit.

{February 20, 2023}   Happy Birthday πŸŽ‰πŸŽˆ

January 29 and 30 was the baby and oldest birthdays. We we’re going to do the babies birthday last weekend and take oldest out this weekend. But it just all didn’t happen. So we did the party this weekend.

we did a party for and did cake and ice cream for the two of them. It just reminded me why I don’t do parties. I figured it would why I couldn’t get into it and really didn’t want to do it.

My brother and his family were already going away for the weekend. I didn’t know that. My sister and her family got sick with a stomach bug. We just had that last week. His friend was moving but said he was coming of course no one heard from them until later when we were trying to do cake. Bff oh she wasn’t coming she was going back to work. She didn’t have to go she could of went later or another day. But she been making excuses for days. It was something different each time. But had already told me how her boyfriend wanted to go to his friends that day at that time. So I am sure the way she is she had to run and do just what he wanted her to do. A friend and her kids came over with her kids and we still had a good time.

But I’m not doing any more parties. I stopped doing them before for this reason we go to all these parties and no one shows up even when they say they are. I just started doing cake with the family at home, dinner they want made or dinner out and then gifts or an outing. That is what I am going to go back to doing. Like bff I have been to parties for 4 of her kids recently. Three this year so far. Just not doing parties no more. Kids seem to have more fun when we go out anyway.

It’s just aggravating when you put it out ahead of time and people say they are coming and don’t. I made a huge pork roast and made pulled pork. Homemade Dr. Pepper BBQ sauce and bought all the other food. I am just glad I didn’t buy a bunch because I had a feeling not to many were going to show up.

His friend said he wanted to come over yesterday once JW got off work to bring the baby what he got him. He wants us to come over tonight for dinner and see his new house. he didn’t come over. I picked JW up from work and we did a quick shopping trip the ran to the kids store to get a monitor. It’s a ways from the house I asked him about going he was like yeah let’s go. I stopped by to see my grandma because I don’t get down there that often that I am not in a rush. I figured if he messaged him about coming over he would say something. We could be home in about 25 minutes. I wasn’t worried about sitting around waiting on him to text or come by because he all the time tells him come by this day or that or he is going to and he doesn’t hear from him again for weeks. If he is supposed to go over there he will call and call or message and get no response. So he could wait a few minutes for us to get home.

I am not going to dinner tonight, I am sure he didn’t invite everyone just me JW and the baby not the rest of the kids. It’s a week night I have to get them dinner and me and JW have to be up at 4am all week. We were up at 4 this morning and hardly slept last night. I really do not think he will get in touch. That is fine. I don’t really want to be over there hanging out and I don’t want JW to get back into stuff.

For now I better get off her and get some more work done. I already did everything for the day I just have to pull my fuel report do my review and write up the report and send it. I just don’t feel like doing it. I want to be snuggled up in bed.

{February 13, 2023}   Update 5 August 2021

Not a lot happened in August I told BFF about the baby. I didn’t get to tell her until the middle of this month. I could of told her sooner but we weren’t able to get together in person to talk. I wanted to tell her in person because shortly before I found out I was pregnant she had found out she was and was so excited. They told everyone right away. Then in no time she mascaraed. She was dealing with that. I didn’t want to just tell her over the phone or in a message since she was going through all that. We finally were able to meet up for breakfast one morning. Her bf and JW were all supposed to go but hers backed out at the last minute.

We got there and we talked for a bit and caught up and things. We were joking around about something and talking waiting for our food. I sent her a message, it was the ultrasound we had. She looked at it, she was like what is that? Who’s is that? Wait what is that yours? Are ya’ll pregnant? We told her yes, she was so excited. I still was not excited at all about it. She kept saying how lucky we were and everything. I sure didn’t feel like it. I told her not to say anything to anyone because no one really knew yet and the kids and my mother really didn’t.

{December 7, 2020}   A Day Trip With Sleeping Beauty

Me and Sleeping Beauty have been talking again for a little bit now. Two weeks before Thanksgiving that saturday, I dropped JW off at work and decided to go to some yard sales and things. I had a few I was going to go to then just make my way around to whatever I seen after that. Some how I ended up on the other side of the county than where they were. I was going to go up that way to check something first. Don’t even remember what. I went to some sales up there and didn’t see much really.
Sleeping Beauty messaged me we started talking. He asked what I was up to i told him, and really just looking for something to do. He said yeah he wad bored. He said the flea market in a town or two over was open was pretty busy when he was up there few weeks before. I said maybe I would che k it out. He ask who all was with me? I told him I was alone. He said he would go with me if I wanted. I told him okay I would be there in a bit. I was about 20 to 25 minutes away from him the place was about that from him. I figured maybe we would find something else going on once we got there.
I had the rental car a little Elantra. I pulled up he was looking funny trying to figure out who it was at first. He got in we talk about the car why i had it. We were on our way. We just kind of talked about anything and everything. Wouldn’t you know it started to rain. We got to the flea market there was almost no one there. We walked through and checked out some cars in the parking lot and went to leave. I was waiting to pull out trying to decide what to do now because with rain there would be no sales anymore either.

I thought about it I looked at him and said you want to go to Daytona? He looked at me for a minute said really? I said yeah I have all day and no where to be or anything to do. We are only an hour away or less.

He said yeah why not he had nothing to do. So we were off to the flea market in Daytona. We knew rain or shine they would be open it is all inside for the most part. Some in side in mall like area. We must of walked around the place 5 times. We think we were dome and see ares we hadn’t been and then tried to find our was back to a booth where we seen some stuff we wanted. We finally said okay I think we have seen everything at least twice now if not we don’t even know we are missing anything lets go.

I said something about something why we were looking for the car. He jokingly said you want to go to Bass Pro Shop. I said okay why not. I was thinking of the one at home on the other other end of the county but hey nothing to do waste some time why not. We finally found our way through the maze of a parking lot and got on the street. He started telling me what way to go. It hit me duh they have one here too. We got there and seen a sign for Skip’s Western store so we decided to go there too. Then by one they had all these tents and things set up and music playing. We decided to walk over see what that was. It was a art show there were a few people with crafts, food and drinks. So we walked around and checked that all out. When we were done there we headed home. We were going to stop by the leather shop but I missed the exit and we were not 100% sure where it was. He didn’t know what I was talking about and I just remembered seeing it between his house and where we were almost two hours away. He messaged me a few days later and told me he found it not far from his house. I guess it is new up there we went one way there and part of the way back we went a different way.

We were on the way there or back and JW messaged me. We were talking i said something about it being him. He said don’t tell him I am with you. I said why? He said you don’t need him pissed off at you or us. I said no he won’t care. I already told him where I was and you were with me. He ask what he said. I told him nothing just be careful or what with wet roads and just being off away from home that far alone or what. That i told him he was with me he said oh okay.

Sleeping Beauty said he done get mad you talk to other guys or hang out with them? I said no he has met most my guy friends or knows them from when we were in school. He knows they all message me we talk and things. He knows I’m not out “running around”. I am just out with a friend just like if BFF was with me instead. He was kind of surprised.

But it is true he knows I am not looking to get with anyone else I am not like that. Even though he don’t like him he knows we are friends and we talk. I give him a ride once in awhile and things. That was the first time we have hung out in years other than when the group would get together and he would come. He isn’t the type to say I don’t like him you can’t talk to him or I would rather you not talk to him. He wouldn’t unless he really did something wrong or something happen he didn’t like.

After I got home I thought of the boardwalk. I messaged him and said we should of went. I was home by 330 didn’t have to be until 730 really. I didn’t have to be then JW would of gotten a ride home. But for me that is were I feel it is kind of crossing a line that shouldn’t be. I am doing what I want to all day be it whoever I am with, I feel I should at least be there to pick him up and spend time with him. But That is me. He tells me all the time do what you want to do don’t rush home because of me I can get a ride it isn’t a big deal. If I don’t have to work and I am there if I don’t wake up when he gets up or why he is getting ready for work sometimes he won’t wake me up. He will call his buddy to pick him up on his way in. Once I didn’t feel good and ask him too he rode his bike. I told him i would take him if he couldn’t he didn’t wake me and say he didn’t call him back. He knows I don’t go off like that all the time I always take him unless i have somewhere to be early. Like I said it isn’t like he says you better be here when I get off or gets all bent out of shape i am out or doing something. It is just how I feel about it.

With Father of the Year he would of been mad I went, he would of been mad who sent with me, and that he couldn’t go. Oh if i said I am going to be home later we are doing this or that or even hey accident we got stuck in traffic caused us not to get back he would be going through the roof. It is nice not having to be in someone’s ass 24/7 and them not think twice about and tell you don’t rush don’t worry about it i can get a ride. Oh you got out of the house today did something with a friend thats great glade you had fun. Wish I didn’t have to work but glad you were able to do something. Not someone who thinks you should sit in the house and wait for them to get home like the dog. All just because they have to work can do something too. It didn’t matter if i was going alone taking the kids somewhere or me and my sister doing stuff with the kids. I just flat shouldn’t be doing anything. But sitting waiting until he could go and until he wanted too.

The longer I am away from him, the longer me and JW are together and things happen even as simple as this. I realize more and more how bad it really was with him.

Now that I have rambled on off topic i really need to get off of here. It is 4 am I have to be up at 645/7. It is now just a blink away I should get some sleep for work in the morning. I fell a sleep for a short time and was woke up couldn’t get back to sleep. Hopefully I can now. I will try to catch you up more later today. Until then good night, or should that be good morning?

{August 20, 2020}   Fair Share Of In Laws

JW has a friend well his best friend really that I am not crazy about. I couldn’t really figure out why. He has been nice to me and they always tell him to bring me and the kids over or to parties and things they have. That is were we spent New Years eve. I wasn’t impressed with some of the things I seen going on then with everyone who was there. But I try to stay in the mind set that it is not my house my kids and because I wouldn’t allow it or do it don’t mean it is wrong or my business. I make note that I would rather my children not be there without me or at all or what. I want others to be the same when it comes to me, my kids and my home.

But there is just something else that bothers me. I want to say he tries to hard but not really. It’s just odd. One of those you can’t pin point it but there it something.

Today sitting here thinking about it because he is supposed to go over there tonight and I don’t know if I want to go. I think maybe I figured out a big part of it. He is related to JW’s ex some way some how. He has told me but it was shortly after we started talking and I don’t remember. It sounded a little um complicated or tangled really. I know that she is his sister or sister in law of him or his wife or something like that. The kids aunt or great aunt some way.

To me that is just in laws. Rather him and his ex were married or not. They were together for 8 years or few more. His friends call him uncle. So they are were like family. But they are her family when it. Comes down to it. I have dealt with in laws enough. Dealing with in laws never turns out good. Because just like I told RC, in the end it is their family and that is who they are going to side with. He always ask if she is going to be there before he goes over or waits until she leaves. Then a while back be found out that she was staying with them. For like a month at least that he knows of. Then he finds out that they told her who I was and that that is my house 2 doors away from them. I am not scared of her and really don’t care. But it is the fact they know how she is. She drinks from the time she gets up until she passes out. And she is always fighting the time in between when she is awake. That she isn’t happy they aren’t together and he is with someone else. That she is the type of person that would just walk up and start shit out of the blue for no reason. That my kids are the ones home most the time.

I don’t know I think I told you about someone messing around outside my house in the middle of the night a while back a few times. Once they heard them talking it was a women. I didn’t at the time know she was staying over there. He didn’t either. But I told him about it when it happen. Later another time it came up I said how the Bitch thinks Peter Pan and Windy are sneaking over there washing at night. Or that someone is from things they found or that happen in the laundry room. It is outside on the carport. Can’t see in there without going out there. I don’t think it is them because he knows I will shoot before I even know who it is if I come out and someone is messing around my house. I will worry about who later. No one should be anywhere other than my front door that time of night if they are at my house. Then I will be answering the door with my gun that late.

Well I was telling JW what she was saying but I didn’t think that was it. He said I was wondering if it wasn’t my ex and told me how he found out she was staying there and they told her about me. That she is that way and he wouldn’t put it past her to come over there do something steal something or mess with something. So why would they tell her? They say they don’t like her but she is always over there holidays parties or stopping by. Then they let her stay there. Tell her all this stuff. Seems they are more friends with her than him and two faced. Telling her everything.

Yes they can be friends with both but you don’t find out everything you can and run back to tell the other one. One or the other shouldn’t come up or be talked about to the other. And when they sit and talk about how bad this one is how they don’t like them either and things then act like their best friend to their face. Makes one wonder what they are saying behind ones own back.

I haven’t told him any of this because that is his “best friend” he don’t talk to many people. But it is hard for me to interact with people that I feel such a way about.

{February 20, 2020}   Robbed The Elementary School

A month or so ago I borrowed a little bit of money from the driver at my night job that I am friends with and talk to all the time. I told him I would have it back to him on the 12th of this month. Well he was out on the road that day. I told him I had it and he said he would be in the next day to give it to him then. I ended up not going to work the next day and he was still out as well. I messaged him and asked if he was going to be up in my area any that night or not and that was when he told me they had not made it back in. He said they would be in around 8:30 or 9 to the yard. I told him I wasn’t going to work but to let me know I could meet him. I just have to drive down there. He said they would be at the truck stop by me around 8 or so. I could meet him there. I told him that would be fine to give me a head up when he was headed that way not to wait until he was 5 minutes out and expect me to rush over there. He called said they were about 20 minutes out. I went over and met him. Jw was with me because I was at his house since I hadn’t went to work. So he met him when he came to the car to get the money.

Night before last I was at my night job and him and his partner came in to start their run for the week. He was having trouble with the computer in the truck and things it was telling him he didn’t have anymore drive time for another 10 hours or more. But he hadn’t been on the clock since Thursday. He was calling back and forth trying to get it fixed and things. He kept calling me I told him I can’t do anything they have to fix all that from their truck now I can’t adjust any logs like we use to. Before I could fix them and they couldn’t but they changed it a month or two ago and now they can but I can’t. He was asking me things and telling me stuff. He got pissed off because he wanted to know who used his truck and why they were using his number and what was going to be done about it and why wasn’t I looking it up and trying to get to the bottom of it.

I finally said look your right if they are using your information that is a problem because things like this happen and now you need to drive out and have no drive time. But there is nothing I can do about that right now. All we can do is fix the problem at hand that you have no drive time things need to be changed so that you have your drive time back. We will fix that right now because that is the biggest pressing issue right now. Then tomorrow or in a few days or when the other dispatcher gets back I will get with him and see if we can find out who was driving your truck with your information and why and take care of that and put a stop to it. But right now bitching about it and going back and forth is dong nothing but wasting your time and mine and getting nothing taken care of. All we can do is fix what we can take care of what we can get you on the road because you need to be gone or gone very soon.

Okay but this and that. I said no this or that, I truly can not do anything more than what I just told you and that is pretty much nothing but look up and see where you guys are all at at any given time. Because I have not been shown how to do all that you are asking me to do just as I told you a few minutes ago. So go fix what you need to fix and do what you need to do to get yourself on the road and I will get someone to look into this further. I have no other answer to give you no matter how many times you ask or how many ways you ask I still have the same answer. Well something about my answer. I said well if you don’t like my answer and don’t like getting the same one over and over again then stop calling and asking me the same thing or going in circles on the phone and asking the something. I have told you what I can do for you but I can’t do anything if you are going to refuse to get off the phone and do what you need to do to get out of this yard. He got mad and hung up. Fine just how they are some of them you can’t get off the phone until you piss them off and they hang up because they think you really can do what they are asking or just trying to make shit harder or what on them. Sometimes the other guys in there with me can do shit and just won’t . But they haven’t figured out yet that what ever I tell them I tell them because that is just how it is and I can’t tell them anything more or do anything more for them. They think I am just shitting them around or not wanting to do my job like the rest.

In a little bit here he come walking in the back door. He come in there where we were all at and was talking to everyone. He was like I’m sorry but this is bullshit and I don’t see why you can’t do this or that and they look it up and tell me where I been my whole trip every stop I make and everything else but you can’t tell me where my truck was for 30 minutes on such and such date and who was in it. By this time I had gotten with one of the others there and had them tell me how to go in and look things up and see part of what was going on, that was what we were doing when he waked in. I said come here and look at this, you see that, that is your truck, this is Friday and your truck never moved a inch in this yard all day that day. Your telling me it did all this and there is no log and even for Saturday there is logs of it moving but that is less than 0.1 miles that is around the yard moving it out of the way or they were using it to move trailers around. I said all this you are telling me is not on there. So that is another problem in of itself that I now have to figure out how to take care of. So we still can’t fix anything more than what you can do in the truck until I do. But I am trying to figure it out and I am doing what I said. I just figured out how to do this and had someone show me when you got off the phone finally. This going around on the phone gets you no where.

Then he was all I’m sorry I’m not mad at you I am mad at the company blah blah and everything. I told you that on the phone it isn’t you I’m just mad about everything. I said well you need to figure out who to bitch at because if I tell you something I am telling you for a reason and you know if I don’t know or can’t find the answer I will tell you that not just tell you what you want to hear or some bullshit that is going to be a problem down the road because it wasn’t right. I know i know he say.

Well the other guys that were in there with us walked out back for something and it was just me and him in there then. He asked how the boyfriend was or something. I said good I had just seen him before I got there or something. He said was that him with you the other night? I said yes. He said dang he is young isn’t he? I said no he is older than me. He said he sure don’t look like it, he looks like you went down to the elementary school and was like here little boy want a cookie. I said your an ass your not right. He said he does he looks really young. i said nope he is 2 years older than me he has grown kids.

He said something about not really knowing each other and things. I said we have known each other for at least 35 years or so. He said what? I said yes we grew up together. He said then why would you do this and risk messing up such a long friendship? Something about a booty call. I said no no it is nothing like that at all. I said I would not have done something like that just a booty call. I said we have been talking for a bit before we even decided to try anything more and talked about it a lot before because we have been friends for so long. He said why him out of everyone you talk to or have talked to then?

I said I don’t know, I said you know they say it is the ones that you least expect or never would of thought of. I said it is like that. I said because we did grow up together staying at each others houses when we were little, ball games, birthday parties and outing. He was just always there and then he moved away in our teens to live with his dad. When he came back he had kids and things and we all hung out together now and then with friends but the same it was just like old times the last several years. The thought still never crossed my mind. I was with someone he was with someone we were just there. I said but then we started talking this last time because we hadn’t talked in a year or so, (one of those don’t talk all the time but pick up like nothing when we do kind of friends) hanging out as friends catching up and things just kind of happen and went that way. I hope that it last because I don’t want to mess up a friendship but I also do have feelings for him and I am happy with the way things are with/or between us.

He said that was cool he was happy for me, he knows how hard I work and do all I can for the kids. He is happy I found someone that makes me happy and that he hopes it works out. That he was sorry again for getting so bitchy on the phone it wasn’t me he was mad at and things. And that it still looks like I robbed the cradle.

I told Jw when I got to his house that night what he said about robbing the cradle he thought that was funny. Last night he shaved and was saying he missed a spot of didn’t like something he was going to have to do it again or touch it up. He said he could just shave it all off and something about how he would look or how he looks so much younger when he does. I said oh nice really make me look like I went to the school to find a man. He just laughed. I said and in turn what you all are saying is I look old. He was like no, no, I didn’t say that, that isn’t what I meant or how I meant it. You don’t look old. I laughed so hard at him. I said yeah I know I was just giving you a hard time. He was like that isn’t funny I wouldn’t call you old or say you look old. I said oh so you just think it then? He like I’m going to shut up because you are just twisting what I am saying all around. That is not what I am saying at all. I tell him he is just to easy to mess with. I said you know because kids are just so easy to get over on and mess with.

{February 12, 2020}   I Don’t Want To Be Anywhere

As you all know I have been in a not so great place mentally the last few weeks. Today things are just really turning worse. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to be at home and around the kids or the Bitch and my some what of an escape work that I use to have isn’t any better right now. I don’t want to be there either. I just want to walk or sleep, I don’t even want to be at home in my bed to sleep. I just want to be anywhere but here dealing with my life and everything that is going on in it right now. I feel like if I could just walk at some point everything would be okay.

It is weird I can remember back when I first started having my anxiety and depression problems when I was about 14 I always just wanted to walk. I never knew where I was going or anything. I just felt that if I just started walking at some point everything would be okay. I don’t mean just a walk around the block or up the street. I mean just walk and keep walking. I told Jw and Bff today I could leave my day job this morning walk the 25+ miles to my night job and probably never think twice about it and keep walking right past it and not be bothered. It is and odd feeling. Like I need to find this place and if I do everything will be okay. I know that isn’t right but I feel so free when I am walking, I don’t feel confined or like I have to………. I just don’t know how to explain the feeling at all. You would think that driving would be just as good but it really isn’t. Driving feels like something else I have to do and think about. Where if I am just walking I don’t have to really think about or worry about anything.

I thought of it today when my dad stopped drinking a long time ago, he would call me and he would be walking. I would ask him where he was going he say he didn’t know he was just walking. Sometimes he would be walking up to the little store to get something sweet because he ate a lot of donuts when he stopped drinking. But he had a brand new truck he could of drove anywhere but he still walked. I don’t know what it is about mental illness that makes you just want to walk or feel like you need to walk. I know my dad had some mental illness he was dealing with as well. My grandma did and his brothers and sisters do too. It runs in the family on both sides sadly so I got a big huge heaping double dose of it. Luck me. The last few years really dealing with it more than ever other than when I first started having problems as a kid I can 100% understand and see why my dad said and did a lot of the things he did. I admire him for being able to do some of the things he did. I use to think how can he do that, how can he say that, how does he not feel bad about that. But now I see because I am seeing I am more and more like my dad when it comes to things. I can understand it like I never could before. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one who ever felt that way or feels that way. I know I am not but I know that someone understands or understood how I am feeling even if they dont’ know or never knew that one day I would be going through the same things.

Today has just been a bad day from the time I woke up. I found out yesterday on my way to my night job they are putting a friend in hospice care. She is only my age. She had cancer a few years ago and beat it. Found out she has it back somewhere and was doing treatments. They life flighted her out a few days ago to a bigger icu and then the next day over to hospice. They found a mass on her brain the other day on top of everything else she has going on.

This morning i wake up to my friends 16 year old daughter missing. We haven’t had time to catch up in a while. She said she has been to Circles of Care 5 time and put away once. Last night she said she was going in the backyard for fresh air and left. Her and my oldest are only 3 months apart in age. When they were just 6 and 3 months old i use to watch her. Then when I had my house they use to come over her mom would stay with my kids give me a break.

Then sitting at work I see my friend that does my hair. Her mom passed away today. Her brother was just hit by a car and killed last year. I can only imagain how she is feeling.

It’s like no one can catch a break right now and i am so off and dealing with my own shit I can’t be there for anyone else. I feel bad because they all have been there for me.

I feel bad poor JW is just along for my moody depressed train wreck of a ride my life is right now. He just keeps saying its okay, everything is going to be fine how can i help. I dump on him or just in a blah mood when we are together I feel bad. I keep telling him I’m sorry. He just keeps saying there is nothing to be sorry about and he is there for me, he understands and things.

{February 10, 2020}   Your Emotional Support

When I went on my walk why they were deciding when they were going to get ready and leave the other night I messaged my Good Friend. I said a few things he said right away are you thinking about your dad? We started talking from there.

In a minute he asked me where my guy was?

I told him I was at the beach.

He said Yes but you are obviously emotional, shouldn’t he be your emotional support?

I told him I was about a 6 pack in and he made a joke and I told him he was looking for the others I guess because he was gone. That I was walking.

He said he guess he should be flattered that I get emotional and contact him.

I told him he was one of my oldest and closest friends. That I could tell him everything and anything and not be judged and he knew how it was.

He joked and said he was just along until I let him hit that and laughed. Said I gave him to much credit.

I said a few things to him he laughed.

I told him he knew I loved him and not because I was drunk.

He said I knew he loved me too or he wouldn’t put up with my crazy ass.

I laughed and told him I knew that.

He said to take him a picture of me on the beach. I told him at that point I was walking down some street.

He said damn you and your late night drunken street walking and that I better be wearing shoes this time. That at least I had someone else to rescue me this time because he wasn’t saying no again.

I told him I felt sick.

He asked if I had eaten. I told him not since about 5.

He told me I should know better than told me but that’s you in a nutshell. Always know better but don’t listen to yourself.

I told him I didn’t care anymore that not one cared.

He said I think you no better or you wouldn’t message me.

I told him he was probably the only one.

He said it is a shame you never really let me love you sent the little kiss face.

I said you always had someone.

He said not always just most.

I told him we never didn’t have someone at the same time.

He said sometimes you just have to break the rules toΒ  really experience life.

We went down that road a little bit and talked then I forgot about him once we got inside. I had to go to the bathroom wanted to get a drink and got ready for bed and laid down. Then I thought of it I got the phone I told him I was going to bed, good night love him. he said you too.

I told JW we talk and that he was my one person that I went to about everything. Because he said something a few days ago about Bff being my one person I told everything to and talk to about everything. I told him no that I didn’t tell her a lot of things or talk to her about somethings. I had someone else and then we got off onto something else and never got around to who it was. I told him that night we were talking. I told him yeah I had known him about as long as me and him knew each other that he was my one go to person. That I did love him in a always there friend kind of way but that was it that we said whatever to each other I wasn’t interested in anything more than friends. That he has tried and tries but there really isn’t anything between us. He said he knew and understood that he had that one friend too. That he talked to him about everything that he was happy we were together or something like that. I kind of fell a sleep. But it didn’t bother him.

et cetera
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