Single___Parent___Life











{December 7, 2020}   A Day Trip With Sleeping Beauty

Me and Sleeping Beauty have been talking again for a little bit now. Two weeks before Thanksgiving that saturday, I dropped JW off at work and decided to go to some yard sales and things. I had a few I was going to go to then just make my way around to whatever I seen after that. Some how I ended up on the other side of the county than where they were. I was going to go up that way to check something first. Don’t even remember what. I went to some sales up there and didn’t see much really.
Sleeping Beauty messaged me we started talking. He asked what I was up to i told him, and really just looking for something to do. He said yeah he wad bored. He said the flea market in a town or two over was open was pretty busy when he was up there few weeks before. I said maybe I would che k it out. He ask who all was with me? I told him I was alone. He said he would go with me if I wanted. I told him okay I would be there in a bit. I was about 20 to 25 minutes away from him the place was about that from him. I figured maybe we would find something else going on once we got there.
I had the rental car a little Elantra. I pulled up he was looking funny trying to figure out who it was at first. He got in we talk about the car why i had it. We were on our way. We just kind of talked about anything and everything. Wouldn’t you know it started to rain. We got to the flea market there was almost no one there. We walked through and checked out some cars in the parking lot and went to leave. I was waiting to pull out trying to decide what to do now because with rain there would be no sales anymore either.

I thought about it I looked at him and said you want to go to Daytona? He looked at me for a minute said really? I said yeah I have all day and no where to be or anything to do. We are only an hour away or less.

He said yeah why not he had nothing to do. So we were off to the flea market in Daytona. We knew rain or shine they would be open it is all inside for the most part. Some in side in mall like area. We must of walked around the place 5 times. We think we were dome and see ares we hadn’t been and then tried to find our was back to a booth where we seen some stuff we wanted. We finally said okay I think we have seen everything at least twice now if not we don’t even know we are missing anything lets go.

I said something about something why we were looking for the car. He jokingly said you want to go to Bass Pro Shop. I said okay why not. I was thinking of the one at home on the other other end of the county but hey nothing to do waste some time why not. We finally found our way through the maze of a parking lot and got on the street. He started telling me what way to go. It hit me duh they have one here too. We got there and seen a sign for Skip’s Western store so we decided to go there too. Then by one they had all these tents and things set up and music playing. We decided to walk over see what that was. It was a art show there were a few people with crafts, food and drinks. So we walked around and checked that all out. When we were done there we headed home. We were going to stop by the leather shop but I missed the exit and we were not 100% sure where it was. He didn’t know what I was talking about and I just remembered seeing it between his house and where we were almost two hours away. He messaged me a few days later and told me he found it not far from his house. I guess it is new up there we went one way there and part of the way back we went a different way.

We were on the way there or back and JW messaged me. We were talking i said something about it being him. He said don’t tell him I am with you. I said why? He said you don’t need him pissed off at you or us. I said no he won’t care. I already told him where I was and you were with me. He ask what he said. I told him nothing just be careful or what with wet roads and just being off away from home that far alone or what. That i told him he was with me he said oh okay.

Sleeping Beauty said he done get mad you talk to other guys or hang out with them? I said no he has met most my guy friends or knows them from when we were in school. He knows they all message me we talk and things. He knows I’m not out “running around”. I am just out with a friend just like if BFF was with me instead. He was kind of surprised.

But it is true he knows I am not looking to get with anyone else I am not like that. Even though he don’t like him he knows we are friends and we talk. I give him a ride once in awhile and things. That was the first time we have hung out in years other than when the group would get together and he would come. He isn’t the type to say I don’t like him you can’t talk to him or I would rather you not talk to him. He wouldn’t unless he really did something wrong or something happen he didn’t like.

After I got home I thought of the boardwalk. I messaged him and said we should of went. I was home by 330 didn’t have to be until 730 really. I didn’t have to be then JW would of gotten a ride home. But for me that is were I feel it is kind of crossing a line that shouldn’t be. I am doing what I want to all day be it whoever I am with, I feel I should at least be there to pick him up and spend time with him. But That is me. He tells me all the time do what you want to do don’t rush home because of me I can get a ride it isn’t a big deal. If I don’t have to work and I am there if I don’t wake up when he gets up or why he is getting ready for work sometimes he won’t wake me up. He will call his buddy to pick him up on his way in. Once I didn’t feel good and ask him too he rode his bike. I told him i would take him if he couldn’t he didn’t wake me and say he didn’t call him back. He knows I don’t go off like that all the time I always take him unless i have somewhere to be early. Like I said it isn’t like he says you better be here when I get off or gets all bent out of shape i am out or doing something. It is just how I feel about it.

With Father of the Year he would of been mad I went, he would of been mad who sent with me, and that he couldn’t go. Oh if i said I am going to be home later we are doing this or that or even hey accident we got stuck in traffic caused us not to get back he would be going through the roof. It is nice not having to be in someone’s ass 24/7 and them not think twice about and tell you don’t rush don’t worry about it i can get a ride. Oh you got out of the house today did something with a friend thats great glade you had fun. Wish I didn’t have to work but glad you were able to do something. Not someone who thinks you should sit in the house and wait for them to get home like the dog. All just because they have to work can do something too. It didn’t matter if i was going alone taking the kids somewhere or me and my sister doing stuff with the kids. I just flat shouldn’t be doing anything. But sitting waiting until he could go and until he wanted too.

The longer I am away from him, the longer me and JW are together and things happen even as simple as this. I realize more and more how bad it really was with him.

Now that I have rambled on off topic i really need to get off of here. It is 4 am I have to be up at 645/7. It is now just a blink away I should get some sleep for work in the morning. I fell a sleep for a short time and was woke up couldn’t get back to sleep. Hopefully I can now. I will try to catch you up more later today. Until then good night, or should that be good morning?



{August 20, 2020}   Fair Share Of In Laws

JW has a friend well his best friend really that I am not crazy about. I couldn’t really figure out why. He has been nice to me and they always tell him to bring me and the kids over or to parties and things they have. That is were we spent New Years eve. I wasn’t impressed with some of the things I seen going on then with everyone who was there. But I try to stay in the mind set that it is not my house my kids and because I wouldn’t allow it or do it don’t mean it is wrong or my business. I make note that I would rather my children not be there without me or at all or what. I want others to be the same when it comes to me, my kids and my home.

But there is just something else that bothers me. I want to say he tries to hard but not really. It’s just odd. One of those you can’t pin point it but there it something.

Today sitting here thinking about it because he is supposed to go over there tonight and I don’t know if I want to go. I think maybe I figured out a big part of it. He is related to JW’s ex some way some how. He has told me but it was shortly after we started talking and I don’t remember. It sounded a little um complicated or tangled really. I know that she is his sister or sister in law of him or his wife or something like that. The kids aunt or great aunt some way.

To me that is just in laws. Rather him and his ex were married or not. They were together for 8 years or few more. His friends call him uncle. So they are were like family. But they are her family when it. Comes down to it. I have dealt with in laws enough. Dealing with in laws never turns out good. Because just like I told RC, in the end it is their family and that is who they are going to side with. He always ask if she is going to be there before he goes over or waits until she leaves. Then a while back be found out that she was staying with them. For like a month at least that he knows of. Then he finds out that they told her who I was and that that is my house 2 doors away from them. I am not scared of her and really don’t care. But it is the fact they know how she is. She drinks from the time she gets up until she passes out. And she is always fighting the time in between when she is awake. That she isn’t happy they aren’t together and he is with someone else. That she is the type of person that would just walk up and start shit out of the blue for no reason. That my kids are the ones home most the time.

I don’t know I think I told you about someone messing around outside my house in the middle of the night a while back a few times. Once they heard them talking it was a women. I didn’t at the time know she was staying over there. He didn’t either. But I told him about it when it happen. Later another time it came up I said how the Bitch thinks Peter Pan and Windy are sneaking over there washing at night. Or that someone is from things they found or that happen in the laundry room. It is outside on the carport. Can’t see in there without going out there. I don’t think it is them because he knows I will shoot before I even know who it is if I come out and someone is messing around my house. I will worry about who later. No one should be anywhere other than my front door that time of night if they are at my house. Then I will be answering the door with my gun that late.

Well I was telling JW what she was saying but I didn’t think that was it. He said I was wondering if it wasn’t my ex and told me how he found out she was staying there and they told her about me. That she is that way and he wouldn’t put it past her to come over there do something steal something or mess with something. So why would they tell her? They say they don’t like her but she is always over there holidays parties or stopping by. Then they let her stay there. Tell her all this stuff. Seems they are more friends with her than him and two faced. Telling her everything.

Yes they can be friends with both but you don’t find out everything you can and run back to tell the other one. One or the other shouldn’t come up or be talked about to the other. And when they sit and talk about how bad this one is how they don’t like them either and things then act like their best friend to their face. Makes one wonder what they are saying behind ones own back.

I haven’t told him any of this because that is his “best friend” he don’t talk to many people. But it is hard for me to interact with people that I feel such a way about.



{February 20, 2020}   Robbed The Elementary School

A month or so ago I borrowed a little bit of money from the driver at my night job that I am friends with and talk to all the time. I told him I would have it back to him on the 12th of this month. Well he was out on the road that day. I told him I had it and he said he would be in the next day to give it to him then. I ended up not going to work the next day and he was still out as well. I messaged him and asked if he was going to be up in my area any that night or not and that was when he told me they had not made it back in. He said they would be in around 8:30 or 9 to the yard. I told him I wasn’t going to work but to let me know I could meet him. I just have to drive down there. He said they would be at the truck stop by me around 8 or so. I could meet him there. I told him that would be fine to give me a head up when he was headed that way not to wait until he was 5 minutes out and expect me to rush over there. He called said they were about 20 minutes out. I went over and met him. Jw was with me because I was at his house since I hadn’t went to work. So he met him when he came to the car to get the money.

Night before last I was at my night job and him and his partner came in to start their run for the week. He was having trouble with the computer in the truck and things it was telling him he didn’t have anymore drive time for another 10 hours or more. But he hadn’t been on the clock since Thursday. He was calling back and forth trying to get it fixed and things. He kept calling me I told him I can’t do anything they have to fix all that from their truck now I can’t adjust any logs like we use to. Before I could fix them and they couldn’t but they changed it a month or two ago and now they can but I can’t. He was asking me things and telling me stuff. He got pissed off because he wanted to know who used his truck and why they were using his number and what was going to be done about it and why wasn’t I looking it up and trying to get to the bottom of it.

I finally said look your right if they are using your information that is a problem because things like this happen and now you need to drive out and have no drive time. But there is nothing I can do about that right now. All we can do is fix the problem at hand that you have no drive time things need to be changed so that you have your drive time back. We will fix that right now because that is the biggest pressing issue right now. Then tomorrow or in a few days or when the other dispatcher gets back I will get with him and see if we can find out who was driving your truck with your information and why and take care of that and put a stop to it. But right now bitching about it and going back and forth is dong nothing but wasting your time and mine and getting nothing taken care of. All we can do is fix what we can take care of what we can get you on the road because you need to be gone or gone very soon.

Okay but this and that. I said no this or that, I truly can not do anything more than what I just told you and that is pretty much nothing but look up and see where you guys are all at at any given time. Because I have not been shown how to do all that you are asking me to do just as I told you a few minutes ago. So go fix what you need to fix and do what you need to do to get yourself on the road and I will get someone to look into this further. I have no other answer to give you no matter how many times you ask or how many ways you ask I still have the same answer. Well something about my answer. I said well if you don’t like my answer and don’t like getting the same one over and over again then stop calling and asking me the same thing or going in circles on the phone and asking the something. I have told you what I can do for you but I can’t do anything if you are going to refuse to get off the phone and do what you need to do to get out of this yard. He got mad and hung up. Fine just how they are some of them you can’t get off the phone until you piss them off and they hang up because they think you really can do what they are asking or just trying to make shit harder or what on them. Sometimes the other guys in there with me can do shit and just won’t . But they haven’t figured out yet that what ever I tell them I tell them because that is just how it is and I can’t tell them anything more or do anything more for them. They think I am just shitting them around or not wanting to do my job like the rest.

In a little bit here he come walking in the back door. He come in there where we were all at and was talking to everyone. He was like I’m sorry but this is bullshit and I don’t see why you can’t do this or that and they look it up and tell me where I been my whole trip every stop I make and everything else but you can’t tell me where my truck was for 30 minutes on such and such date and who was in it. By this time I had gotten with one of the others there and had them tell me how to go in and look things up and see part of what was going on, that was what we were doing when he waked in. I said come here and look at this, you see that, that is your truck, this is Friday and your truck never moved a inch in this yard all day that day. Your telling me it did all this and there is no log and even for Saturday there is logs of it moving but that is less than 0.1 miles that is around the yard moving it out of the way or they were using it to move trailers around. I said all this you are telling me is not on there. So that is another problem in of itself that I now have to figure out how to take care of. So we still can’t fix anything more than what you can do in the truck until I do. But I am trying to figure it out and I am doing what I said. I just figured out how to do this and had someone show me when you got off the phone finally. This going around on the phone gets you no where.

Then he was all I’m sorry I’m not mad at you I am mad at the company blah blah and everything. I told you that on the phone it isn’t you I’m just mad about everything. I said well you need to figure out who to bitch at because if I tell you something I am telling you for a reason and you know if I don’t know or can’t find the answer I will tell you that not just tell you what you want to hear or some bullshit that is going to be a problem down the road because it wasn’t right. I know i know he say.

Well the other guys that were in there with us walked out back for something and it was just me and him in there then. He asked how the boyfriend was or something. I said good I had just seen him before I got there or something. He said was that him with you the other night? I said yes. He said dang he is young isn’t he? I said no he is older than me. He said he sure don’t look like it, he looks like you went down to the elementary school and was like here little boy want a cookie. I said your an ass your not right. He said he does he looks really young. i said nope he is 2 years older than me he has grown kids.

He said something about not really knowing each other and things. I said we have known each other for at least 35 years or so. He said what? I said yes we grew up together. He said then why would you do this and risk messing up such a long friendship? Something about a booty call. I said no no it is nothing like that at all. I said I would not have done something like that just a booty call. I said we have been talking for a bit before we even decided to try anything more and talked about it a lot before because we have been friends for so long. He said why him out of everyone you talk to or have talked to then?

I said I don’t know, I said you know they say it is the ones that you least expect or never would of thought of. I said it is like that. I said because we did grow up together staying at each others houses when we were little, ball games, birthday parties and outing. He was just always there and then he moved away in our teens to live with his dad. When he came back he had kids and things and we all hung out together now and then with friends but the same it was just like old times the last several years. The thought still never crossed my mind. I was with someone he was with someone we were just there. I said but then we started talking this last time because we hadn’t talked in a year or so, (one of those don’t talk all the time but pick up like nothing when we do kind of friends) hanging out as friends catching up and things just kind of happen and went that way. I hope that it last because I don’t want to mess up a friendship but I also do have feelings for him and I am happy with the way things are with/or between us.

He said that was cool he was happy for me, he knows how hard I work and do all I can for the kids. He is happy I found someone that makes me happy and that he hopes it works out. That he was sorry again for getting so bitchy on the phone it wasn’t me he was mad at and things. And that it still looks like I robbed the cradle.

I told Jw when I got to his house that night what he said about robbing the cradle he thought that was funny. Last night he shaved and was saying he missed a spot of didn’t like something he was going to have to do it again or touch it up. He said he could just shave it all off and something about how he would look or how he looks so much younger when he does. I said oh nice really make me look like I went to the school to find a man. He just laughed. I said and in turn what you all are saying is I look old. He was like no, no, I didn’t say that, that isn’t what I meant or how I meant it. You don’t look old. I laughed so hard at him. I said yeah I know I was just giving you a hard time. He was like that isn’t funny I wouldn’t call you old or say you look old. I said oh so you just think it then? He like I’m going to shut up because you are just twisting what I am saying all around. That is not what I am saying at all. I tell him he is just to easy to mess with. I said you know because kids are just so easy to get over on and mess with.



{February 12, 2020}   I Don’t Want To Be Anywhere

As you all know I have been in a not so great place mentally the last few weeks. Today things are just really turning worse. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to be at home and around the kids or the Bitch and my some what of an escape work that I use to have isn’t any better right now. I don’t want to be there either. I just want to walk or sleep, I don’t even want to be at home in my bed to sleep. I just want to be anywhere but here dealing with my life and everything that is going on in it right now. I feel like if I could just walk at some point everything would be okay.

It is weird I can remember back when I first started having my anxiety and depression problems when I was about 14 I always just wanted to walk. I never knew where I was going or anything. I just felt that if I just started walking at some point everything would be okay. I don’t mean just a walk around the block or up the street. I mean just walk and keep walking. I told Jw and Bff today I could leave my day job this morning walk the 25+ miles to my night job and probably never think twice about it and keep walking right past it and not be bothered. It is and odd feeling. Like I need to find this place and if I do everything will be okay. I know that isn’t right but I feel so free when I am walking, I don’t feel confined or like I have to………. I just don’t know how to explain the feeling at all. You would think that driving would be just as good but it really isn’t. Driving feels like something else I have to do and think about. Where if I am just walking I don’t have to really think about or worry about anything.

I thought of it today when my dad stopped drinking a long time ago, he would call me and he would be walking. I would ask him where he was going he say he didn’t know he was just walking. Sometimes he would be walking up to the little store to get something sweet because he ate a lot of donuts when he stopped drinking. But he had a brand new truck he could of drove anywhere but he still walked. I don’t know what it is about mental illness that makes you just want to walk or feel like you need to walk. I know my dad had some mental illness he was dealing with as well. My grandma did and his brothers and sisters do too. It runs in the family on both sides sadly so I got a big huge heaping double dose of it. Luck me. The last few years really dealing with it more than ever other than when I first started having problems as a kid I can 100% understand and see why my dad said and did a lot of the things he did. I admire him for being able to do some of the things he did. I use to think how can he do that, how can he say that, how does he not feel bad about that. But now I see because I am seeing I am more and more like my dad when it comes to things. I can understand it like I never could before. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one who ever felt that way or feels that way. I know I am not but I know that someone understands or understood how I am feeling even if they dont’ know or never knew that one day I would be going through the same things.

Today has just been a bad day from the time I woke up. I found out yesterday on my way to my night job they are putting a friend in hospice care. She is only my age. She had cancer a few years ago and beat it. Found out she has it back somewhere and was doing treatments. They life flighted her out a few days ago to a bigger icu and then the next day over to hospice. They found a mass on her brain the other day on top of everything else she has going on.

This morning i wake up to my friends 16 year old daughter missing. We haven’t had time to catch up in a while. She said she has been to Circles of Care 5 time and put away once. Last night she said she was going in the backyard for fresh air and left. Her and my oldest are only 3 months apart in age. When they were just 6 and 3 months old i use to watch her. Then when I had my house they use to come over her mom would stay with my kids give me a break.

Then sitting at work I see my friend that does my hair. Her mom passed away today. Her brother was just hit by a car and killed last year. I can only imagain how she is feeling.

It’s like no one can catch a break right now and i am so off and dealing with my own shit I can’t be there for anyone else. I feel bad because they all have been there for me.

I feel bad poor JW is just along for my moody depressed train wreck of a ride my life is right now. He just keeps saying its okay, everything is going to be fine how can i help. I dump on him or just in a blah mood when we are together I feel bad. I keep telling him I’m sorry. He just keeps saying there is nothing to be sorry about and he is there for me, he understands and things.



{February 10, 2020}   Your Emotional Support

When I went on my walk why they were deciding when they were going to get ready and leave the other night I messaged my Good Friend. I said a few things he said right away are you thinking about your dad? We started talking from there.

In a minute he asked me where my guy was?

I told him I was at the beach.

He said Yes but you are obviously emotional, shouldn’t he be your emotional support?

I told him I was about a 6 pack in and he made a joke and I told him he was looking for the others I guess because he was gone. That I was walking.

He said he guess he should be flattered that I get emotional and contact him.

I told him he was one of my oldest and closest friends. That I could tell him everything and anything and not be judged and he knew how it was.

He joked and said he was just along until I let him hit that and laughed. Said I gave him to much credit.

I said a few things to him he laughed.

I told him he knew I loved him and not because I was drunk.

He said I knew he loved me too or he wouldn’t put up with my crazy ass.

I laughed and told him I knew that.

He said to take him a picture of me on the beach. I told him at that point I was walking down some street.

He said damn you and your late night drunken street walking and that I better be wearing shoes this time. That at least I had someone else to rescue me this time because he wasn’t saying no again.

I told him I felt sick.

He asked if I had eaten. I told him not since about 5.

He told me I should know better than told me but that’s you in a nutshell. Always know better but don’t listen to yourself.

I told him I didn’t care anymore that not one cared.

He said I think you no better or you wouldn’t message me.

I told him he was probably the only one.

He said it is a shame you never really let me love you sent the little kiss face.

I said you always had someone.

He said not always just most.

I told him we never didn’t have someone at the same time.

He said sometimes you just have to break the rules to  really experience life.

We went down that road a little bit and talked then I forgot about him once we got inside. I had to go to the bathroom wanted to get a drink and got ready for bed and laid down. Then I thought of it I got the phone I told him I was going to bed, good night love him. he said you too.

I told JW we talk and that he was my one person that I went to about everything. Because he said something a few days ago about Bff being my one person I told everything to and talk to about everything. I told him no that I didn’t tell her a lot of things or talk to her about somethings. I had someone else and then we got off onto something else and never got around to who it was. I told him that night we were talking. I told him yeah I had known him about as long as me and him knew each other that he was my one go to person. That I did love him in a always there friend kind of way but that was it that we said whatever to each other I wasn’t interested in anything more than friends. That he has tried and tries but there really isn’t anything between us. He said he knew and understood that he had that one friend too. That he talked to him about everything that he was happy we were together or something like that. I kind of fell a sleep. But it didn’t bother him.



{February 10, 2020}   Finally Another Beach Night

Saturday Bff called and said she was going out so I went with her. We picked up JW and went to a pool hall over on the Island. We got there it was packed and none of us really wanted to stay. We left and was going to go to Apple bee’s or this other little place I go sometimes. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out around people. I said lets go to the beach. We can get some drinks and take out there walk or just sit and talk. We decided to do that.

Then she was talking to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and he decides to go with us. We went back and picked him up and got stuff to drink. We went to the pier where I always go and some lady told her they were closed. I tried to tell her we park their all the time it did not matter she was scared and left. We ended up about 6 blocks or more down and parked. We all walked out there started walking down the beach. Next thing I know we look behind us they aren’t there. They had sat down somewhere. We kept walking for a ways and decided we were ready so we turned around to find them.

We sat and talked for a while once we found them then in a bit they got up and started walking again. I was like wait I want to go back to the truck give us the keys. She wouldn’t said we would leave her or what we would do in her truck or something. I said I am tipsy I am not driving and he can’t either. By then they were away from us.

I had to go to the bathroom and decided we were going to walk up this walk off the beach to see if there was a store or something around. We got over the walk and there was the bar. I said we found a bar and a nice big truck. JW laughed said you and your big trucks. I said yep like my trucks. Lets take that one for a ride joking.

The way the bar is set up it different since it is right there by the beach. Its long two sides then all open on the end you walk the length you come in the front walk straight out the back or vs versa. Most of it you are sitting outside. I said lets walk around to the front and come in because it was crawled in the back and all through the place. I really had to go and did not see the bathroom from where we were. We walked around he had one of the beers we had with is open drinking it. I said they are going to make you get rid of that.

We got to the front there were bikes parked there a group of bikers and the bouncer standing around. I knew they were going to stop him I stepped through them walked in amd straight to the bathroom that was right there by the door. As I walked into the bathroom I heard the bouncer say something to him about his drink. I thought yep knew it. He going to be standing outside or arguing with this bouncer when I get back out there. I come out look around he is standing in the bar watching the fight no drink. He come over we walked out. I said what happen? What did he say about your drink? JW said he told me no drinks outside the bar I had to stay inside with it, I said yes I understand walked in with it and finished it so we could leave. He thought we had just come around the building from outback drinking.

After that we walked back down to the beach and started walking back toward where we had parked. Anyone that has been to the beach knows that if you park walk down the beach it is hard enough to find where you came down at if you walk to far down but if you come up on the street and try to walk back you may never find your car. In the dark you may as well forget it. That is why I park at the pier and walk down. I know when I get back to the pier I am where I need to be. Anyway Saturday when we first got down on the beach I stopped was looking back at the walk, the buildings everything around. He said what are you doing? I said looking around. I was looking to see something that would make me remember where we came down and parked. Off we went down the beach. We got back to where we came down and walked up the boardwalk, he was asking if I was sure that was where we came up. We walked up on the walk stood there talking for a bit and he walked down to see if the truck was there. It was he came back. I thought we were going back to the tuck. I started walking toward the truck and thought he was behind me. I guess he went to tell them we found the truck I started walking because I figured they were who knows how far down and I was just in my moods to walk. I walked up to the street and started walking. About the time I got down to the pier he was calling me asking where I was at. I told him and I kept walking. He said they were coming to get me I told them I was walking up to my old job to go to the bathroom again. They were telling me no stay there everything. I told them I crossed A1A and was almost at my old job but they were closed. By that time they were there. We went up to the little store and then to get something to eat. Her and her friend took us to his place and dropped us off. I stayed there for the night.

Saturday was 5 years since my dad passed and I was already not in the greatest moods. Feeling really depressed and then the kids decided that they were going to fight like hell all day. I Tried to take them out and got pissed off and took them home and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed. I took Little Bitty to bed and made her go to sleep before I left because she was the main cause of all the fighting. Then I left. Bff was going to pick me up and I decided to leave take my car. I called her and told her to meet me at his house instead. If I wanted then I could stay there and would have my car. The mood I was in I was not going to drink at all because I knew it would turn out bad.

I ended up laying in the back seat in his lap and crying. Bff said I was telling them they knew not to let me drink. That when we got back to his place she thought I made him man and he was going to leave me and I was going to have to go home with her that night. I guess me and her friend was talking about relationships, sex, and things like that. Her friend said something about going in and being with him, I guess I said I didn’t want to do him. I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that we had talked about it and wasn’t rushing into things and the mood I was in I didn’t want to be with him like that. I want that to be when I am in a better mood we are both into it. She said at some point around there he kind of put his hands up and walked away to the house. I told her I didn’t think he was mad that everything seemed find when I had left that morning.

We talked a while before I left and I told him I was sorry and things. That I knew it was a bad time that I shouldn’t have drank. He was just like no big deal, it was fine, I didn’t do anything wrong, they been there, he understood. That I wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy. I had a lot on my plate and to deal with and he just wanted to help me with that and that we all need a break sometimes, that it wasn’t that much of one but he hoped it was something. That is was so nice to fall a sleep together and wake up together and that he was happy.

I love him I feel bad that things turned out the way they did. I was going to get one drank and drink that was it. Then they didn’t have it and we ended up with a 6 pack. I ended up drinking most of it. I drank it to fast as well. It hit me hard.

I told Bff that last year about this time was my bad moonshine night. But that at least Saturday wasn’t near as bad as last year when all that happen. That hey I didn’t scare this one off. Maybe he is a keeper and plans to stick around.

I swear at this point no more drinking this time of the year at all. I know when I should drink and when I shouldn’t just like I didn’t drink New Years eve because I knew I wasn’t in the right place mentally and that it would end up pretty bad. I was already depressed and mad that night too. I told her we needed another night like my birthday a few years ago. When we are all in a good mood and just have a good time.



{February 6, 2020}   He Looks Like……..

My car has been acting up again so my Good Friend told me to take it over to his shop so his brother could check it out again. Of course it was fine when I got up yesterday. I picked up JW and we went over there for him to scan it and do a few things to it to see if he could figure it out. He did a few things drove it and everything else and it didn’t do anything.

In a bit my Good Friend showed up and we took it to drive it and again it hardly done anything. Nothing like what it does to me. We traded places and I drove him around it didn’t do it. I drive my car a little different that they do. I am a little hard on vehicles. It still did nothing. We were talking about it and I said it is way warmer now than it has been since it started messing up. I think that has to be something to do with it because it hardly wants to get out of it’s own way more often than not. He said it could be that and that they pulled a couple new codes that also would point to why my lights flash and it started when it got cold. They reset everything and I am going to take it back when it is cold again.

But why me and My Good Friend was out driving around he said something about JW. He came up some how. He says I hate to say it but I’m not the only one who thought it. But he looks like Father of the Year. I said no he don’t and he is nothing like him at all. Nothing at all like him. He said I don’t know him so I don’t know but I hope not. But he dose look like him. He said my old lady said when we seen you all in the pawn shop right before Christmas is that Father of The Year? What is she doing with him? He said but I knew it wasn’t.

I guess I can kind of see it and honestly had the same thought. But just this look they both get. Really father of the year has changed a lot and really don’t look anything like he use to at all. You know how some people get older and still look the same as they did 10 or more years ago and others age and it’s like wow what happen to them? He is on the wow what happen to him side of things. He has not aged well. It has been so long since I have been around that father of the year that I don’t really see it or notice it if that makes since.

I didn’t tell JW what he said. I don’t know how he would take that or react to that. I wounder if the kids thought that or think that when they see him? None of them said anything. But again it has been a while since he looked that way and so long since they seen him I don’t know if they would notice or not. Hell the other week me him and oldest were in the store and oldest went to find something or do something in a different part of the store on her own. In a few minutes she came back and said I didn’t find what I was looking for but I think I seen my dad over there. But it has been so long and he looks so different I am not sure if it is him or not. I went and looked it wasn’t him. I wasn’t sure at first and had to look twice to make sure it wasn’t. I had seen the guy when he came in the door and thought it was him then and turned back around and looked. Because I didn’t want to let oldest wonder around by herself if he was there and I wanted to let her know he was in there before she did just run into him so she would be prepared if she did. I told her when she said it I told her I seen a guy a little bit ago that I thought was him but want’s. But I still went and looked to make sure he didn’t come in I didn’t see him or what. It was the same guy I seen.

So I don’t think they probably think the two look a like really probably.



{January 2, 2020}   New Years Eve

How was your New Year’s eve? Mine was alright I guess. I went out with J.W., he was at his friends house that is two houses away from mine. I can stand in their yard and see mine. It was alright, I was feeling very torn and guilty. I got the whole I shouldn’t be going out blah blah bad mom and all that went along with it. I got over there and there were a ton of teens hanging out and running around, didn’t make things any better. I hate to hangout with others kids on nights like that and when I don’t have mine with me. Being with a house full of people I don’t know didn’t help. By the time I got out of the house and went to meet him I was already not in a good mood and not in the mood to drink. I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t be good and I didn’t want to be stuck at these peoples house or to go home and I didn’t want to drink like that just meeting these people. But I wanted to drink. I just hung out and once midnight hit I left. I had told J.W I wanted to leave before midnight but he didn’t want me to go. He wanted to go but wanted to hangout there until midnight. It was like 10:30. We stood outside and talked for a long time. Once it got close to midnight we went inside and watched the ball drop and left shortly after that.

I wanted one of those lantern things that you light and it floats away to take to the beach. I went to about three stores and couldn’t find one. We ended up just going out to the beach and walking down the beach and talking. We walked a lot further down than we had the other night. But the other night it started raining. The kids started calling new years and I told them I would be home in a while. We looked and seen how far we had made it and decided to turn around and go back. He wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home so we did that. I did not think it would take near as long as it did but it took forever even though they weren’t busy. I didn’t get home until after 3.

Over all it was a decent night. I just wish things hadn’t worked out the way they did and I was able to be in a better mood. I messaged him later and told him again I was sorry I just had a lot going on torn and then dealing with things. This time of the year is a really hard time and then to have the holidays and trying to do all that it don’t help.

How was your New Years Eve?



{December 27, 2019}   Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday for my birthday I had to work both jobs, it really wasn’t bad both were really slow so an easy day/night. I had already planed to take off by 9 from my night job to go have a few drinks with friends and unwind after dealing with her Christmas.

My friend I got back in touch with over the weekend (we will call him, J.W. said he wanted to go and Bff was talking about going. He messaged me off and on all yesterday. He asked where I wanted to go I told him I wasn’t sure. Then when I was getting to my night job he said lets go get some dinner. I told him I had to see and he said his treat.

I got off at 8:30 because it was so slow. The guy the works with me said earlier lets get out of here early tonight. I said that is fine with me I was planing on leaving at 9 anyway. By 830 it was so dead I said can we get out of here yet? He laughed and said go I’m not far behind you.

I went and picked up J.W. and we headed over to the island. We had been talking about what was open. We seen this Restaurant bar in down town open so  we decided to go in there. They have been around here forever when I was a kid but I had never been in there. I got the shrimp basket with cal slaw. It was really good. We sat there for a bit talking then we rode around for a while talking. I dropped him off and went home. It was about midnight then.

I messaged and told him thank you that I had a good time. He said he was glad and we needed to do it more often. I told him I was going to start going out once a week like I was before, He said it sounded good. I want to do more than just sit at the place and watch people sing or try to and do nothing. I want to start playing pool or walking the beach, something to get out and really do something not just sit. I sit all day at both job. once in a while going somewhere and just sitting is fine but I like to do other things too. Like Bff said maybe once a month go and just sit and hangout. That is fine, we can get a group of us together and do different things others want to do as well. I would love for bff’s aunt to come again but I don’t know if she will or not.

He said pool is free over where him and his friend goes not to far from the house. That is nice, it’s so much an hour at the other place but it is more of a pool hall. I don’t really care for either place but I know others that are free too. I don’t mind going to the one his friend goes to I have been in there few times. Can’t think for the life of me who the heck I was with when I was in there because most people I know don’t hangout in the places around us over there. That is going to bother me because I remember being there the other people there things we talked about, it being pretty slow, driving there and meeting them there but not who I was with. It has been a while. I can’t even remember if it was a friend I was with or a guy. I know it wasn’t bff she would never go somewhere like that. Well she wouldn’t have then. Who knows maybe I will figure it out.



{December 26, 2019}   Hanging Out and Catching Up

Saturday night I was out with the kids, we had went to dinner and stopped at a few stores to look around. We were in the craft store and for some reason I was looking at Facebook and seen a friend in suggested people you may know. I had not talk to them in a long time. Probably 5 years or so. Other than at the store how you doing a couple of times since then. We grew up together since were pretty little.

We use to be friends online before but I had noticed he had stop posting and not been on in a while. I am not sure we are even still friends. I sent him a friend request and he accepted almost right away and sent me a message.

We talked all evening catching up, what we had been up to, where we live now and things. Come to find out his best friend lives two houses away from me. Right outside the gate of the kids school. We can see each others houses from our front yards. He lives about a mile and half up the road from us.

He told me a few times that he was off the next day and that he was going over there and things. He asked what I was going to be doing? I told him I had to finish my Christmas shopping. I would be running around. He said something else. I asked him if he wanted to go with me? He said yes it would be nice to hang out and catch up. I told him what time I would be leaving my house and headed to his. We talked for a while still and finally stopped so we could get some sleep.

Sunday I got things I needed to do done and went over and picked him up. I headed up to one of the stores I needed to make sure I got to before they closed since they closed the earliest. Then I thought I hadn’t asked him if he had a time he needed to be home, where he needed to go since he had said he needed to do some last minute shopping as well. I asked him he laughed and said he didn’t really have a time to be back and he could get something where ever. He said he was just supposed to go to his friends house sometime that day but in no rush.

We talked and laughed all day and ran around shopping. He said he was hungry so we stopped he bought lunch. It was a nice day over all. I realized at some point it was later than I thought and asked him if he wanted me to drop him off at home or his friends house? I had a few other things I was going to go do. He said nope I’m in no hurry unless you want rid of me. I’m enjoying myself and the day, it’s been a long time since we hung out and got to catch up. He kept saying different times he was having a good time, and how nice it was hanging out.

He picked up a toy for his friends little girl why we were at one of the stores and the gift he needed for Christmas we stopped at his house for something and he took them in and dropped them off. He showed me his new place and was excited about it. He said he just got it October. He broke up with his girlfriend in September. His boss helped him find this place and get into it. It isn’t a million dollars like most things around here.

He had me drop him off at home and then went over to his friends later. He messaged me all evening and that night. I finally told him he better get off his phone and hangout with his friends. He said okay I’ll talk to you when I get home. I said okay. We have talked off and on all day since Saturday when he first messaged me. He tried to get me to go out with him and his friends Sunday night but I told him I had to do the tree with the kids and things. He said oh yeah he forgot.

Then Monday he asked me about the tree and I told him the Disaster I ended up with and that I was going shopping after work. That is when he went and done what he did.

We are going out for my birthday this evening when I get off at my night job. I am leaving at 9 tonight. He wants to go and I think Bff is going and maybe a few other friends. When I said something he was the first to respond and say he wanted to go.

Sunday night after I had dropped him off I thought of something and messaged him. I asked him if he remembered my birthday party when I was little and lived over on the other side of the neighborhood where I live now? Him and his brother spending the night and him having his skateboard. He said yes I was just learning to skateboard then. I asked if he remembered the fight we got into? He didn’t. I told him about it. I had his board in the street laying on it pushing myself around and he wanted it back and I wouldn’t give it back. He dumped me off of it in the street. Now we are in the street fighting over it. He had one set of wheels I had the other it was upside down. (I have told this on here before but can’t find it) I some how got it away from him and smacked him in the head with it pretty hard. I got my ass busted and sent to my room. He laughed and said no he didn’t remember that. I said probably because it wasn’t his party and he wasn’t the one that got his ass busted that time. Some of us was always getting our ass busted for something back then. He said sorry, I said your sorry I’m the one that smacked you in the head with a skateboard Lol.

I have enjoyed talking to him and hanging out. Like he said it was nice to catch up, vent and just have a relaxed day.

It’s nice to catch up and meet up with old friends. I had just been telling someone else a day or two before that, that I missed hanging out with old friends and not seeing them or talking to them like I use to when my older kids were little. That my kids missed growing up with their kids like they were. I just isolated us so much when everything got bad with Father of the year and after. I am going to try and put together a pot luck kind of thing at the park I think and invite everyone. Maybe try to plan something once a month or something for us all to get together or the ones that can. Maybe different places the kids can play and have fun sometimes other times just adult day or night out. get everyone back together again because a lot are saying they hardly see anyone as well or here and there or just a few. I think it will be nice.



et cetera
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