Single___Parent___Life











Me and JW were talking the other day and valentines day came up. I said I didn’t celebrate or hadn’t in a really long time and never really did then. He said this year you are. I said no we didn’t need to it was fine. He said something about what day it was on and we looked it is on a Friday. I work his later night and one of my when I get done I get off nights. He will be off by 8 he only works a hour later than normal Friday and Saturday. He said something about you’ll see or we will see. Nothing more was really said about it.

Me and Bff were talking and she said something about it and I told her what was said. She said no your celebrating this year now stop it. I said I don’t know. She said he wants to you need to or should. We could do something when I get off, if I get off by 9 but I never know. It isn’t like we are going to be getting all dressed up and all that, it is going to be late I am coming straight from work. We go to dinner or what all the time no different than any other time. Gifts what are we going to buy? We haven’t been together all that long to really get into buying anything personal or what.

I am sure I will see him after work and don’t know what to get or do. I don’t know what he will do, but I am sure he will do something. It is just how he is.

So what do you get someone you haven’t been with very long at all? I don’t even know what kind of things he really likes or what. I do but don’t since we haven’t been in touch for so long.

 



{January 2, 2020}   New Years Eve

How was your New Year’s eve? Mine was alright I guess. I went out with J.W., he was at his friends house that is two houses away from mine. I can stand in their yard and see mine. It was alright, I was feeling very torn and guilty. I got the whole I shouldn’t be going out blah blah bad mom and all that went along with it. I got over there and there were a ton of teens hanging out and running around, didn’t make things any better. I hate to hangout with others kids on nights like that and when I don’t have mine with me. Being with a house full of people I don’t know didn’t help. By the time I got out of the house and went to meet him I was already not in a good mood and not in the mood to drink. I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t be good and I didn’t want to be stuck at these peoples house or to go home and I didn’t want to drink like that just meeting these people. But I wanted to drink. I just hung out and once midnight hit I left. I had told J.W I wanted to leave before midnight but he didn’t want me to go. He wanted to go but wanted to hangout there until midnight. It was like 10:30. We stood outside and talked for a long time. Once it got close to midnight we went inside and watched the ball drop and left shortly after that.

I wanted one of those lantern things that you light and it floats away to take to the beach. I went to about three stores and couldn’t find one. We ended up just going out to the beach and walking down the beach and talking. We walked a lot further down than we had the other night. But the other night it started raining. The kids started calling new years and I told them I would be home in a while. We looked and seen how far we had made it and decided to turn around and go back. He wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home so we did that. I did not think it would take near as long as it did but it took forever even though they weren’t busy. I didn’t get home until after 3.

Over all it was a decent night. I just wish things hadn’t worked out the way they did and I was able to be in a better mood. I messaged him later and told him again I was sorry I just had a lot going on torn and then dealing with things. This time of the year is a really hard time and then to have the holidays and trying to do all that it don’t help.

How was your New Years Eve?



{January 1, 2020}   Happy New Years

I hope you all had a great new years eve and having a great day with friends and family today.

Did you make any resolutions this year? What are they? Do you normally accomplish them? What revolutions from last year have you accomplished?



{December 26, 2019}   The Kids Were Thrilled

Christmas morning the kids got up and of course couldn’t wait to open their gifts. We started out letting them open what they had gotten each other first then I gave them the gifts I got them. I knew once they got the ones I got I would probably lose them and I wanted them to really take time to see what they got from each other and enjoy it and talk. They said they wanted to save the big one for last as well. I felt kind of bad because it looked like Little Bitty got a lot more and nicer than what they had gotten but she really didn’t. She got I technically 3 gifts from me not one. But all of hers cost less than their one big gift. I didn’t intend for it to end up with her with three but I bought one of the horse sets for her because she got them all but that one from the other kids. They didn’t have enough for it and it was over their budget. If two had bought it for her she wouldn’t of gotten other sets. I was planing on doing things different when I bought it. Plus Mr. 9 had enough to buy two sets. But no one really noticed. No one said anything they were happy she got things she really wanted.

Then I gave them their gifts and they were so thrilled and excited. The looks on their faces really were priceless. I took the boys and stuck cardboard in the bottom of a gift box you would put clothes in and stuck the game system and controllers in it. I took oldest lap top and stuck it in a medium to small size gift bag. I would of never guessed what was in either box or thought for a minute that was what would be in them. I don’t think they did either. Oldest thought the bag hers was in was a bag for someone else. I told her to grab it I had something for someone I needed to put in it. I knew she would like the bag it was real pretty had a horse on it.

Mr. 9’s face when he seen the puppet that he wanted was great as well. He carried it around and played with it off and on all day and showed my sister and them when they came over. The things he has made it do already oh boy I am kind of scared to see what else he comes up with.

Little Bitty said they were sold out of the horses the other day how did you get these? Mr.9 said because we were smart and bought them weeks before that when we first seen them to make sure you got them. She said that was so nice thank you. When she seen her tablet she said this is for me? Then when we went to bed last night I said we can watch our show on it and it will be a bigger screen than my phone. She said okay but I will hold it because I don’t want you to drop it. I said I won’t and we are on the bed so it will be okay. She said no I will hold it and keep it safe. We watched two shows then she was ready to go to sleep. She kept watching to see how charged it was and telling me I think it needs to be charged. I had to explain to her that you should leave it until it was dead then charge it and not play with it why it was charging and let it charge up all the way before using it again.

Mr. 14 seemed a little upset my mother said I told you he wanted a laptop he is mad she got one and he didn’t. I knew that wasn’t it at all. I thought maybe because it seemed that Little Bitty got more than they did. I had to run out and when I got back we went outside and talked for a minute. I asked him what was wrong he said he didn’t get the Lego sets he wanted. My mother told him she was going to get one and then didn’t. I asked him if he wanted a laptop if he was upset about that? He said no I hadn’t really thought about one in a while. I explained that you know the game cost a lot and the lap top cost so much that I thought he would rather have the game than the lap top and that we could get him one later if he needed or wanted one. He said no he would much rather have the game. He just thought he was getting the other things and didn’t. He really wanted them as well. I told him maybe later he could get them with his money or when I got some more we could get them. Once I get past the first few months here and if they make Father of the Year pay me I should have money to get them things here and there more than we have been. I’m still not going to buy them things all the time or what. But it would be nice to get them things once in a while instead of saying I don’t have it or wait until your birthday or Christmas. I have thought about giving them an allowance or maybe splitting the money we spend on the weekend up between them and let them decide what to spend it on if they want to all go do something like we do or if they would rather stay home and save the money or get something with it.

The witch screwed up dinner again just like Thanksgiving of course. But it didn’t even really matter to me i didn’t care. We had a really good day other than dealing with her. No one was worried really cared when it came to dinner.

I am just glad that they were so happy and got something they really wanted.



{December 26, 2019}   Hanging Out and Catching Up

Saturday night I was out with the kids, we had went to dinner and stopped at a few stores to look around. We were in the craft store and for some reason I was looking at Facebook and seen a friend in suggested people you may know. I had not talk to them in a long time. Probably 5 years or so. Other than at the store how you doing a couple of times since then. We grew up together since were pretty little.

We use to be friends online before but I had noticed he had stop posting and not been on in a while. I am not sure we are even still friends. I sent him a friend request and he accepted almost right away and sent me a message.

We talked all evening catching up, what we had been up to, where we live now and things. Come to find out his best friend lives two houses away from me. Right outside the gate of the kids school. We can see each others houses from our front yards. He lives about a mile and half up the road from us.

He told me a few times that he was off the next day and that he was going over there and things. He asked what I was going to be doing? I told him I had to finish my Christmas shopping. I would be running around. He said something else. I asked him if he wanted to go with me? He said yes it would be nice to hang out and catch up. I told him what time I would be leaving my house and headed to his. We talked for a while still and finally stopped so we could get some sleep.

Sunday I got things I needed to do done and went over and picked him up. I headed up to one of the stores I needed to make sure I got to before they closed since they closed the earliest. Then I thought I hadn’t asked him if he had a time he needed to be home, where he needed to go since he had said he needed to do some last minute shopping as well. I asked him he laughed and said he didn’t really have a time to be back and he could get something where ever. He said he was just supposed to go to his friends house sometime that day but in no rush.

We talked and laughed all day and ran around shopping. He said he was hungry so we stopped he bought lunch. It was a nice day over all. I realized at some point it was later than I thought and asked him if he wanted me to drop him off at home or his friends house? I had a few other things I was going to go do. He said nope I’m in no hurry unless you want rid of me. I’m enjoying myself and the day, it’s been a long time since we hung out and got to catch up. He kept saying different times he was having a good time, and how nice it was hanging out.

He picked up a toy for his friends little girl why we were at one of the stores and the gift he needed for Christmas we stopped at his house for something and he took them in and dropped them off. He showed me his new place and was excited about it. He said he just got it October. He broke up with his girlfriend in September. His boss helped him find this place and get into it. It isn’t a million dollars like most things around here.

He had me drop him off at home and then went over to his friends later. He messaged me all evening and that night. I finally told him he better get off his phone and hangout with his friends. He said okay I’ll talk to you when I get home. I said okay. We have talked off and on all day since Saturday when he first messaged me. He tried to get me to go out with him and his friends Sunday night but I told him I had to do the tree with the kids and things. He said oh yeah he forgot.

Then Monday he asked me about the tree and I told him the Disaster I ended up with and that I was going shopping after work. That is when he went and done what he did.

We are going out for my birthday this evening when I get off at my night job. I am leaving at 9 tonight. He wants to go and I think Bff is going and maybe a few other friends. When I said something he was the first to respond and say he wanted to go.

Sunday night after I had dropped him off I thought of something and messaged him. I asked him if he remembered my birthday party when I was little and lived over on the other side of the neighborhood where I live now? Him and his brother spending the night and him having his skateboard. He said yes I was just learning to skateboard then. I asked if he remembered the fight we got into? He didn’t. I told him about it. I had his board in the street laying on it pushing myself around and he wanted it back and I wouldn’t give it back. He dumped me off of it in the street. Now we are in the street fighting over it. He had one set of wheels I had the other it was upside down. (I have told this on here before but can’t find it) I some how got it away from him and smacked him in the head with it pretty hard. I got my ass busted and sent to my room. He laughed and said no he didn’t remember that. I said probably because it wasn’t his party and he wasn’t the one that got his ass busted that time. Some of us was always getting our ass busted for something back then. He said sorry, I said your sorry I’m the one that smacked you in the head with a skateboard Lol.

I have enjoyed talking to him and hanging out. Like he said it was nice to catch up, vent and just have a relaxed day.

It’s nice to catch up and meet up with old friends. I had just been telling someone else a day or two before that, that I missed hanging out with old friends and not seeing them or talking to them like I use to when my older kids were little. That my kids missed growing up with their kids like they were. I just isolated us so much when everything got bad with Father of the year and after. I am going to try and put together a pot luck kind of thing at the park I think and invite everyone. Maybe try to plan something once a month or something for us all to get together or the ones that can. Maybe different places the kids can play and have fun sometimes other times just adult day or night out. get everyone back together again because a lot are saying they hardly see anyone as well or here and there or just a few. I think it will be nice.



{December 24, 2019}   Christmas Tree Disaster

It is now Christmas Eve and we just finished with putting the tree up. I started this post late Monday night early Tuesday morning. I went met him and got the tree Monday night after work.

 

We still have not put a tree up. We were going to Sunday evening and that blew up.

Little Bitty was all excited when I said it was time to put the tree up. She ran to my room and brought it out.

I opened the box and there was no tree. All that was in the box was a house, metal tree thing and few other odds and ends. But closed in the box it was just enough weight it felt like the tree. I figured he was probably looking for that stuff and has no idea where it is.

I go get the white tree from last year and parts were missing. We couldn’t even put the legs in it. I told them to toss it in the trash I would get one the next night on my way home.

Today Pops came in and I asked him if he was missing anything. He said he didn’t think so why? I told him what happen. He was shocked and confused. Then started telling me he was sorry he didn’t know. I laughed told him not to worry about it. He was upset.

In the meantime a friend knew we were going to put it up and asked about it. I told him what happen. He asked if I had got one later this after noon. I told him no I was going to stop at the stores on the way home last night.

He said let him see what he could do. I told him I would take care of it he didn’t have to do that. He just got his own place and he is trying to get things and a car. I knew he didn’t have away to run all over.

Well tonight about 8 p.m. he sent me a picture of a Christmas tree. He said I had to work some magic but got you one. He said it isn’t the one you wanted (before I knew what he was doing I told him about the one I was looking for) you can take it back but it’s all I could get.

I said no it’s great I wasn’t sure I would even find what I was looking for. I am just happy to have one at this point. I told him thank you and ask him how much it was. He said nothing it is yours I am happy to help. I told him I would come by after work. He said a friend he knew from work came in he told her he needed a tree and ask her to run up the street to the store and find one. She ended up at the big store before she found it. I gave him a hug told him thank you again.

He said I know you work a lot and trying, this keeps you from having to run around all night after work in the cold. I’m glad to do it.

I am so thankful, I was so tired and truly didn’t want to go to the store. It was nice to have someone do something so simple for me as run and find that and get it. Even if I paid for it. It just takes something off my to do list and that never happens unless I have done it.

We were talking about it and he said I like to see you smile and if I could do that and help make you smile I’m happy. Mind you have not seen or spoken to this friend in years. That is another post.

 



{December 18, 2019}   Inches not Pounds

I think I am losing inches but not pounds right now. As a matter of fact I know I have gained some weight back. I am over 130 and was under. I think I may have gained around 6 to 10 pounds back. not at all worried about it really. I really am okay with where I am as long as I don’t gain anymore. I wouldn’t like to be no more than 130 my goal was 120. So I could stand to lose a little to stay at the 130. But not a big deal to me right now.

My pants still fit I’m not having to go up a size. Really they are lose still and feeling bigger. This and just looking at myself the other day when I was getting dressed out of the shower I look like my waste is smaller maybe not my waste for say but my torso over all looks smaller. I thought how do I look so much smaller but gained weight but then I thought about muscle weighing more than fat and how you can lose inches but not pounds. I know how it all works but it has been a while but that is what has to come into play here. some how some way. or maybe I just seeing things through rose colored glasses. But I feel better and have noticed my pants feel bigger and I can slide my jeans off and on without unzipping or buttoning them pretty easily.

As long as I don’t gain I will be alright with whatever is happening.



{December 17, 2019}   An Almost New Game

At work today me and the one owner were her and talking about a little bit of everything really. I asked him if him or his son knew about the Ps4 game systems? He said a little bit and asked why? I told him I went and got the boys one for Christmas but I knew nothing about them and was just told I may need to update it or something before wrapping. He said some of them do need to be. He said I wish I knew you were getting one I have one sitting at my house that is brand new just taking up space.

He said he bought it to play with the guys at work and things and then none of them ever bought one and don’t play. He said it has been played by me 3x ever and the kids about 5. I told him that I rented it and had to pay for it still. I told him if he was interested in selling it to let me know what kind he had and what he wanted for it. If he was willing to take a few payments on it. He said he was going to have his son pull it out hook it up go through it and see what one it is for sure how much memory it has and things and let me know tomorrow. If he has that and wants to work a deal then I will take the one I have back. I haven’t paid on it and it is twice as much as a new one. He said his don’t have the 2nd controller but I already have that I bought to go with the other.

I hope we can work out a good price and things. At least I know where this one came from and that it is basically brand new. It won’t be twice as much as a new one at the store like I am paying now. I am going to message him tonight remind him to ask his son to pull it out and check it out for me. if he can run the updates and things. He said he wouldn’t wipe it clean so the kids could keep the games and things he has bought and play them if they want to.



{December 16, 2019}   I Think I Pulled It Off

I think I may have pulled off a nice Christmas for once for the kids. Now I am trying to be made to feel that I am in the wrong or doing the wrong thing.

The boys have asked and asked for a Ps4 for their birthday and or Christmas for the last few years. I just haven’t had it. I went and got one yesterday for them to share. It is costing me more than I wanted but it will be worth it to see their faces.

I then went and bought my oldest a laptop. It is used but it is between a $500/$600 laptop I got for $225. I have a 6 month warranty on it. I got the extra controller for the PlayStation. I put those two things on layaway I am going to pick them up Friday or Monday before work.

For Little Bitty I am getting the 7 in Kindle Fire and a kidkraft stable. The kids got her a bunch of the Royal Breed horses. We went to the store where they had them over the weekend and they were sold out of the horse sets she wanted. She was so disappointed. She said oh they are all gone I really wanted those, I was going to have Heart Land now how am I going to have a heart Land? That is our show we watch when we are home at night. We snuggle in bed and watch it on my phone when I am off or there is no school the next day and she is up when I get home from work. She is going to be super excited when she opens everything Christmas.

My mom is mad because I wouldn’t go in with her to buy them Chromebooks. I don’t want the Chromebooks. My oldest wants to save things and do her school work and things on it. She needs space to save stuff and do things. Mr. 14 hasn’t said anything about wanting a laptop in a while. I figure the Ps4 will be good because the boys both really want it and that will give Mr. 9 something to play on while Little Bitty plays on her tablet and oldest on her laptop. Then Mr. 14 can use the computer to do his school work. I can work on getting him a laptop after the first of the year if i find he needs one or still wants one. I didn’t have enough to buy them all laptops or the two laptops and then get Mr. 9 something as nice right now as well. I think this way they all get something they really want and that is nice. She says I need to give Mr. 14 more incentive to do his school work and he is going to feel that I don’t care about him because he has been asking her for a laptop or if he is going to get one to when they have have been talking about things. But I think that is because he knows she will not buy him the Ps4 or something like that. He knows she buys my oldest nice things and spends money on her and don’t buy them as nice of things or get them things at all a lot of times. He isn’t dumb he see’s it. My oldest even said she don’t want her to buy her anything anyway because she uses it holds it over her to get her to do things she wants or try to get her to. One reason I wasn’t going to go together with her on anything. Because when she starts that it is going to be a big fight. This way they have what they want if she starts about what she buys them if she does at this point then who cares they aren’t going to be to worried because they are going to have what they really wanted and will use the most.

I only got them each the one really nice thing other than Little Bitty I got her the stable and the tablet but that is because even the two together come to a lot less than what I am spending on the other three. I told oldest hers is her birthday and Christmas and she was fine with that. Most years I try to set a side x amount for each kid and try to find something nice a bigger gift and a few small to go with it. Because things have been so tight. This year I wanted to get them what they really wanted if I could. Even though I am spending a little less on her she still is getting nice things that she wants and doing it this way helps everyone get nice things they really want. They all are getting the one gift from me and then the gifts they got each other. Since I decided to do things the way I have. Most times they get about 3 to 4 gifts. But I really think they are going to like this much more. I may try to find them a game if I get a few minutes have a couple dollars extra this week. Oldest wants a batman game but I don’t know if she would rather have it on the computer or on the Ps4 so I am going to check and see. I figured the $10 monthly thing will give them something to try it out Christmas and then from there I will take them to get a game when I am off again or in a couple weeks. I will see what she wants and do that.

Father of the Year promised to help buy laptops over two years ago before he pulled his stink and disapeared and they were asking for a play station then as well. They know I try and do what I can but they don’t under stand fully why I can never seem to get them the nicer things they want when I work so much and gone so much. They shouldn’t have to all the time. we all fully know what Christmas is about and understand but for once I want to get them things that will really get used they really like and not something just because it’s Christmas we all go through the motions of at least they have something to unwrap even if they only play with it twice and don’t touch it again.



{December 13, 2019}   The Most Miserable Time of Year

I am in a horrible mood this afternoon, of course everyone has decided to come to work now instead of this morning. I feel like I just want to cry. I jumped up and went to the bathroom when they got here because I was about to then. Trying to detract myself so that I don’t but it is hard. This time of the year is so full of bad times and awful memories and no matter how hard I say I am going to make it better this year and change that it never seems to happen. I feel sick to my stomach right now and my head is starting to hurt from being so upset. On top of it all the bitch had to call me at work and start.

I got into it last night with my oldest over things. It was pretty ugly, I feel bad for that. It is her fault and the bitches fault. They are all listening to her and everything is a mess. I’m tired of working my ass off and dealing with all the bullshit and them doing everything she says and not listening when she has no fucking say at all. So then we end up fighting because they get mad I am mad because they are not listening and the bitch has to get in and put her two cents in. But like I told my oldest I am working my ass off trying to hold everything together keep a place and everything else give them what they need and a little of what they want. But it is coming down to the point that it is putting our place to live in jeopardy the things they are doing. If we have to move from here then I can’t get us into anywhere else. Others may not even want to rent to us. I finally just told her keep it up if we end up homeless they will take them away and send them to live with their dad. They would have no one to blame but their self and her.

I also told her I worked to hard to keep a place and do all this, if that happens that is where they will stay no matter what. Not coming back once I get settled again. I’m not going to be done that way because they don’t want to listen. They don’t listen do what they want they live with the outcome. They are 14 and 16 years old they more than know. I told her at this point they don’t do what they are supposed to they will not go with me and the little kids on the weekend anymore either. I’m not good enough for anything else then I’m not good enough to take you out to run around do fun things go to dinner and spend my money on you either.

Between all the sickness and death I have dealt with between now and the be gaining of the year over the years and now having crappy Christmas the last few years. I don’t even want to think about Christmas or anything to do with it.

I know it is not about the gifts and the kids really do too. But when they have asked for the samethings for a few years for christmas and their birthdays and you can’t do anything. They say I want this but I know you can’t afford it so I guess just this or that.

The last few years I just have not had it. This year I finally was going to do it and then shit hit the fan. Ha nothing good happens to you or for you. You were a fool for thinking it would. Why would you think you deserve anything good. I dont care about me I want it for my kids because even though we are going through a ruff patch between us they are good kids and dont get much through the year and they understand I have to work such long hours and things. I just dont know. Why my kids have to suffer as much as I work my ass off.

 



et cetera
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