{July 8, 2020}   I Come Prepared

Sunday I go over to JW’s after a fairly hard week and Saturday. I had been battling my depression something hard all week and spent most the time I wasn’t at work or home crying. I had broke down and cried when I was with him a few times.

Sunday I was feeling a little better I stopped over there. He asked what I was doing. I told him. He asked if he could go. We took off to get things done. We were riding around talking and some how babies and baby stuff and all that came up. I truly can’t remember how or why. But I said I had a crib in my closet. We were talking. He stopped and said what a crib? Why do you have a crib?

My youngest is 7 so. He was trying to figure it out. I was just driving along carrying on a normal conversation he ask this. I never looked at him missed a beat cracked a smile nothing. As i replied to him. I just said I come prepared. Omg the silence and the little bit of the look i could see on his face and in the reflect on the glass. ūü§£ It was beyond priceless. I can’t even explain it. I said what? He couldn’t even look at me. He was so shocked and at a loss for words. I thought i was going to have to give him CPR. By this point I busted out laughing. I was laughing so hard, i was crying and my stomach was hurting. He was like uh ah um man that wasn’t even funny. I said maybe not but omg the look on your face was beyond funny. I wish I had that recorded. He started laughing too. He was like that was just not right, that was just wrong. We laughed some more. He was like I’m glad I can make you laugh at least.

But what was he thinking? He knows we talked about it more than once I do not want to have anymore. He don’t want to have anymore. His are grown, like 18, 20 and 22 i think. And he knows I went and got on the pill. He was so shook by what I said. But he is the one at the same time told me don’t worry about birth control or condoms. I can’t have anymore. When he has done nothing to prevent it from happening. He thinks because him and his ex didn’t get pregnant in all the years they were together it can’t happen. She had kids he has kids he just got lucky. Even if it couldn’t he don’t know if it was because of him or her. It isn’t like he went to see. It just didn’t happen so he assumes. There is no doubt in my mind if I had not gotten on something or used something we would probably already be pregnant right now. But then he freaks out about a comment or the thought of it.

I called my friend J who moved away today. I said you know how I always leave you speechless and in shock. She said yes only you all the time. I started laughing and told her that I had left JW shocked beyond what she could of ever been or thought. She said omg what did you do to him? What did you say?

I told her what happen and what was said. She was like omg no you didn’t, omg, omg I can’t imagine what he was thinking. I can’t believe you did said that. She said I can’t imagine if you said that to me and what my reaction would be. But this is the person your with, you love, your planning a future with and SLEEPING with. Do you know what he must of thought. Do you know what is going to be in the back of his mind every time you do something now. She ask if he had kids and how old they were he was. I told her. She was like omg no wonder he don’t want more and you went and said something like that. I laughed. I said no he is alright now. He knows I don’t want more it was a joke. She was like yeah but he going to always have that little thought in the back of his head do you really want one more.

She said why do you say stuff like that? How do you come up with stuff like that just in an instant like that? You got to stop saying stuff and doing stuff like that ūü§£.

I was laughing when he came to the truck. He was looking at me like what now. I told him I told her what I had said to him. He laughed. But you know what, you have to be able to laugh and joke around together. I have to be with someone I can the way my depression is, I have to laugh and joke when I can. I’m not making fun of anyone or being mean or anything like that. Its just stupid stuff. It isn’t like we haven’t talked about it and know where we both stand or that we have different views on it. I’m not trying to push or trick him into having another kid. Like I said he knows I got on the pill, i make sure I stop whatever I am doing and take it and everything. I think the reality that it could happen even if we are careful hit. That even if we don’t want another it could happen hit. And for me to say that it was the last thing he expected he needed a second to process. He laughs and even today talked about it. We both know we don’t want more. It was just a joke to laugh lighten a miserable week.



{March 22, 2019}   The Red Light District

This is the front of our office at my new job. I pull up and park right in front of this door and light and park and go in. Like the first or second night I came out to go home I noticed the light out there. It is daylight still when I get there so I didn’t see it. All I could do was laugh and take a picture. I sent it to Bff and her aunt. I said I am not sure what to think or how I feel about this light outside my door I go in and out of. I thought of it and said I haven’t looked to see what kind of light is hanging outside the back door where all the guys come and go all the time.

Wednesday night we were talking about it and laughing. I said oh I looked tonight when I was out there in the back where the guys all go in and out it has a normal light. I said so I guess that is good it’s only at the front door and not the back door to. Her aunt busted up laughing and said something about not messing with the back door. I said oh lord only you, I wasn’t even thinking about it that way. She laughed.

I do want to know now what is up with the red light, I am going to have to ask them one night. I don’t know if it is there for a reason, if it is just all they had for some reason, if it is there as a joke or what. Why is it red and not some other color if it is a color for a reason. Why not blue or black or something like that?

{August 21, 2018}   Funny For Tonight

I seen these and thought I would share. I went through them and was like yep that’s me, that’s so and so. Do any ring true for you?

Psychotherapist Johan Deckmann Creates Brutally Honest Self-Help ‚ÄėBooks‚Äô Inspired By His Patients, And The Result Is Hilarious.

I seen this and thought I am scared to see what I would come up with after being told already I need to raise them.

I know a few people like this and it is sad really.

Thought if Mr. To Broken when I seen this one. Just wanting to find someone to be with so he can make them happy so he can be.

I have been guilty of this and maybe slightly guilty of it right now.



This next one I can say is not me. But there are so many out there it applies to.

 Not even sure what to say about that one.

 I was very guilty of this for a long time. And this is my mothers problem because no one lives and does things how she says. So they are all wrong and something wrong with them.

 Again reminds me of my mother. She can turn anything and everything from walking outside to going out to eat into a way something bad will happen.










I know a few who need this book.







There have been times I could have written this.

me trying to find a man. Maybe not really but how it feels at times.









I feel like I live this way everyday. I want to do so many things and do not have the means to do them. Like moving. That motel has been on my mind lately. I just keep telling myself things will improve one day.

First person I thought of was Sleeping Beauty. His comment about having a high thick ass wall.

very guilty of this and know Sleeping Beauty is as well. It is hard when things take so long to improve.




I feel like this is part of what happen with me and RC. I was so convinced that the bottom was going to fall out and then upset about being pregnant.

like when I started working the beach job and pizza job and was finally going to get ahead. Then the bottom fell out. Just like when I was going to school Wendy was moving in and going to help with the kids. I could name so many times.

how I feel most days.

I may need to read this one because I have no problem telling them, it is the the tactfully part I have a problem with. Really it is more of a problem for others than myself. If I have to tell you why do I care if it is tactfully?


Not sure it would be a good idea for me to read this one. But then again maybe I could give them some pointers on improving it.


I don’t think I need this but hey who knows. I think I am pretty good at conversations and things.


I do this way to offten and easily anymore it is rather scary really.

Just thought these were interesting and that it was interesting the things I thought of as I was reading through them. Feel free to share your thoughts or feeling.


{June 4, 2018}   My Pimp’s House

Last night I was talking to Mr. To Broken and he was telling me about his birthday party. His friemd had a cookout at his house for him Saturday night. This is the one he assumed I was going to go with him to and I told him no I was working. He got mad about it.

He told me his friend invited this girl over for him to meet and how they were having a nice conversation. But then her and another friend disappeared about the sametime. He found them on the side of the house messing around. So he was all upset about that and how this always happens to him, no one likes him and there is no one out there for him.

I said well at least you found out how she was from the beginning amd what kind of friend your buddy really is.

I said I was about ready to give up trying to find someone at all. I am tired of everyone just wanting to jump in bed, see where it goes or they been through so much they are to scared and keep everyone at arms length.

He says oh yeah right and you have someone already. I said what do you mean? He said you have a guy or someone to be with, your not alone. I said no I don’t what are you talking about? He said your guy or whatever you call him? I was still confised because O have not told him I was with anyone, talking to anyone or anything. I told him I was interested in someone and had feelings for someone. But that they did not know and that I wasn’t telling them or trying to get into a relationship with anyone right now I need take care of things first. I had no clue what he was talking about still.

The other night when backed into the ditch he called while I was trying to get out waiting on someone to come. I answered told him what happen that I couldn’t talk. Later that night or the next day we talked and something was said about it. I told him and that it been raining I was delivering pizza’s all that. Somewhere in the conversation he says who’s house were you at? Your pimps? I said yes being sarcastic because I already told him. Nothing me or another friend wouldn’t of said to eachother joking around. I didn’t think nothing of it.

So then last night he starts saying this and I am really confused and finally I am like really what are you talking about? He says you got your pimp or whatever he is. Now I am really thinking what the hell. I ask him why he would say that? He said that’s who’s house you said you were out when you got stuck in the ditch. I said that was a joke I already told you I was deliverying pizza’s. He says yeah right okay. He didn’t act like he belived me I was lying. I said 3 cops were there, boss from pizza place was there, bff amd her husband was there ask any of them. Yeah okay say what you want he says or something like that. You said the other day…..I said look you ask a smartass question your going to get a smartass answer. I got to go click he hung up on me. He hasn’t called or messaged me since.

I was kind of mad I messaged him he was on line I asked why he hung up on me? I said a Pimp really? Wow. He never looked at it until this morning and still has not responded.

What I mean you can’t say anything to him at all joking or anything. He takes it as truth even when you tell him the truth. So even if I wanted to ask him he probably say no or not respond. I can not believe he really thinks that after I already told him what I was doing.

{May 30, 2018}   Borrowing The Car

Boy gets his permit and ask dad if he can have the keys to the car. Father said you have to get your grades up read your bible more and cut your hair. Then you can use the car. few weeks later the boy comes back and says I did what you said can i use the car? Fathers says you pulled your grades up and you are reading your bible more but you still haven’t cut your hair. Son says well dad I been thinking about it and moses, samson and even Jesus all had long hair in the bible father says to the son yes son they sure did and they walked every where they went too.

Wednesday once I got back from getting forks I sat down to eat my lunch. Next thing I know all the guys are in the office gathered around for whatever reason. Mind you our is shed he bought and made into a office to fit the little bit of space that we have and just something to do the job. So we are all pretty close. The boss was sitting at his desk and two of the guys were standing up between our desk, while starfish had come in and sat in the chair next to my desk to be out of the way.

I was mixing my salad and putting dressing on it and doing something on the computer, not really paying attention to what they were all doing or talking about. They were waiting on the boss to get off the phone I know. He got off the phone and they started talking and joking around. The boss was talking about his jug with change in it under his desk how he was hiding it from the ol lady and kids and saving money. One said well now you said something in front of her bff she is going to know now. Me and her have been friends for about 8 years or more and always together. She is the one I go out with lately and things. I just smiled and shook my head and didn’t look up or say anything. I don’t care me and her hardly ever talk about what is going on up there or anything about up there. Unless she brings it up and even then if she don’t bring up parts of it that happen or went on then I don’t tell her. I know how things are between them and how everything is. I am not going to say something and start anything if she didn’t know because he only tells her what he wants her to know. But most the time she already knows everything anyway.

I was fixing my food and looking at the computer and they finished talking about the money jar and hiding it from the ol lady and everything they all were still just standing around there. The boss said something about them all standing around and the one said something about starting a circle jerk, another pipped up and said who was starting while the other said he the boss and sitting down so, about that time starfish pipes up and says she is here today she could start it.

I wish I could of seen the other guys faces and the bosses face for sure, because before I could even look up and no sooner than it came out of his mouth he was falling all over his self saying he was sorry. By the time I could turn my head and look up he had his hands in the air was half off his chair I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry and reaching over toward where the boss was almost on his knees. I just laughed and went on doing what I was doing. I didn’t even know what to say because of his reaction all I could do was laugh. I wasn’t mad I didn’t care. I am use to being around a bunch of guys and all the comments and things so it didn’t bother me. I think he was more worried about the boss and what he was going to say or do and maybe that one of us was going to knock the hell out of him the way he was looking and falling all over. No one said anything everyone went on as normal but I bet the boss said something outside when they all went back out.

I just found it funny. It was just one of those things that comes out before you even think about it or what. then your mind catches up with what your mouth just said and your like fuck I said that out loud. I think his reaction was funny than anything.

{March 29, 2017}   Admit Your Mistakes

{January 10, 2017}   Re:About To Learn A Lesson

I went to the school today the principle, teacher and one of the parents that helps out all the time were all standing around out-front still when we got there. I got out and we walked up the kids all got up and went inside it was time to we were running a little late. Mine were the last ones to get there and when they did they all went in everyone was there.

I walked up and the teacher said I didn’t do it. I said no your new kids did and I am not happy. She looked she said what. I said putting his hands on her yesterday why they were playing ball and twisting her arm behind her back! They both principle and teacher said we didn’t hear bout it until the end the day. I said oh I know she told me she did nothing about it and that she didn’t tell you all either and I got on to her for that as well. I said kids fight boys get in fights girls get in fights but I said she is not going to stand there and let no boy put his hands on her like that. I said I told her she is to punch him and kick him and if he fights back to kick his ass. I said it just like that. They said yeah we heard about it after school and you all had done left or I would have written up a report and give you and things. I said I am not worried about a report and I know you all didn’t know because she said she didn’t tell you. I said that is why I am here to make you all aware of it and to let you know this is what I told her be it him or some other boy hits her she is to fight back and defend herself. I said I am not having this or letting her sit here and let a boy put his hands on her and her do nothing and not defend herself stand up for herself or at least try and then not tell someone either. I said I am putting a stop to that right now because to much go on with women and they don’t tell her defend their self they think they just have to take it or they can’t say anything. I said I am going to get that out of her right now that no you do something and you say something you don’t let it happen.

They agreed 100% and said they found out after school there was another helper there and heard the kids all talking and went and told it, but not until after school. She said the helper was left to watch the kids during meditation so her and the teacher could talk to the new kid because she wanted two people with her why she did because he has accused teachers of bullying him and things in the past. She said the helper lets the kids talk and things during meditation. They all got together talking about this one new kid and how he was and what he had been doing and what he done to everyone that no one was seeing and things like that. That is when they were started talking about him doing this to her why they were playing ball and to one of the other kids. Teacher said I thought it was odd they were all playing ball and they do all the time then all of sudden the game just stopped and they all went and started doing something else. She said I seen him over by her but I didn’t think anything of it she didn’t say anything and I didn’t see it. No one came to say anything happen I thought they just stopped.

I told them I said I am not blaming you all and know that you all did not know because if you had seen it I know you would have said and done something right then. I know she did not tell you and if she don’t then you can’t do anything because you don’t know anything happen. I said that is why I am telling you today to make you aware of it and someone can tell him that I said he better not put his hands on my daughter again or any of my kids for that matter. I wanted to let you all know if he does what is going to happen. I said they said if we hit him schools going to… I said I told them not to worry about what you all were going to do because they ¬†defended¬†their-selves get out of the situation and come tell you all. You all know my kids and have no problems with them and if it is then we will have to find somewhere else but this is what is going to happen if it happens again with her or my son. She said no we understand, she said if he putts his hands on her again and she hits him I don’t think he is going to fight back she can come tell us the way he is. I said I figured the same-thing that when push comes to shove if he gets someone that is going to to stand up for their-self and fight back if they have to he isn’t going to know what to do. I said he has issues with women you can tell just by watching him. I said I seen the way he talk to her yesterday when she said something to him and I seen the looks he was giving not just her but myself and the other lady as well and when the other women would walk in and out of the room. I said that isn’t right at all.

When I walked up and she said I didn’t do it and I said not but your new kid did. They both said he isn’t here today he was suspended and we don’t know if he will be back at all. We were kind of expecting a message this morning but we haven’t gotten it yet. She said a guy came to pick him up and said she ask who he was and he said the moms boyfriend. They said oh well we need to talk he has had a pretty bad day. He did, this, this, this, he did this and that and named off all the stuff he done and said and things and told them he couldn’t come back today. She said I have never told someone they were suspended the first day of school but this was to bad to the kids and the teacher. She said he comes back and there isn’t a big change in him I can’t and won’t keep him here. She said I am not going to have that here causing problems for everyone else here.

That is what I like about it there to, they are a private school they are making money off the kids coming there but they are not going to put up with kids coming in and causing problems like that. This is not the first kid they have had this year that has caused problems and they nip it in the butt the first time they do not candy coat it and say well it’s a new school, they this they that. It’s they are old enough to know better they are old enough to know how to act and if they can’t they can’t come here. It’s not about making the dollar that kid brings in. Where a lot of the other private schools around will give them chance after chance make up excuses for them and everything else or just ignore it to keep the money there. I now of one kid getting their arm broke by another kid and this kid had been a problem and bullying the other kids for a while and complained about. The kids still got to stay said it was an accident or some bullshit the school said. That was at the school I was looking at putting them in at first I said nope not going to even start there then. The kids didn’t want to go there either because it was a few different people threw different grades that told us about kids all through the school picking on other kids and nothing getting done. Just like public schools they do nothing turn there back on it and so many kids are ending up dead and things over it. The school they are in have a lot of kids that have some learning problems and things. They are all very smart they just need to work at a slower pace or extra help understanding or more time to work on it and figure it out for their self. And to talk to most of them you would never know they struggle with this or that area when it comes to learning and to see some of the things outside of school they do or know about. I think my daughter is the only one that goes there that don’t really have a problem but she don’t care she loves it there and says she fits in there. She said she has friends and the kids talk to her and things. Because even though she was smart and things in school she was very quite and shy. So instead of getting to know her or what the kids picked her out as the easy target to pick on because she wouldn’t fight back and things. Here everyone gets along they are like a family.

I really like this school the teacher, principle, the principles wife and the couple of parents that help out a lot and have been there a long time are all very close and now that I am opening up and going around more they have excepted me in as one of them. They are so funny and we are all a lot a like and there is nothing off limits everything and anything and to much is talked about. That is what I like it is small and you can bond with the other parents and teachers in that way and just joke and have fun. If we get together like this morning when we were standing around out there talking or if I go in to help out or stop in toward the end of the day we are all ways laughing. This morning the kids all went in we talked about this kid what happen and everything then we got off on other stuff. And personal stuff and we started rolling and laughing we got to laughing so loud a couple of the students got up and was looking out the door at us and they were laughing because we were. They had no clue what we were talking about or laughing at. Out of everything here their school and their therapist are the things I am going to miss the most. Maybe more than my family sad to say when we get to move. It makes me sad and not want to move just thinking about it. I want to box them all up and take them with us. But even though we found such a wonderful school I can’t keep my kids in this area just because of a great school and therapist and the therapist is moving by next year as well. But she really wants to box me and the kids up and take us with her. She is trying to convince me to move up where they are going when they go. I am really thinking about it. Her husband already said he would help me and the kids get up there.

I better get off here and get out of here I have to go see my therapist. I have not seen her in 3 or 4 weeks now. I have not been on my medication so she is not going to be happy with me.

{October 28, 2016}   One Party Down

One more to go spent the day at the big kids school helping with their fall festival. The other moms and ladies were really funny and nice. We have the same inappropriate hummer. With that there were lots of laughs. The kids all seemed to have fun they played games, talked and ate.

I picked the kids up early from after care so that we could come home get everyone something to eat and in their costumes. Tonight is the little kids trunk or treat. We have to stay after and help with clean up since I couldn’t really be there before to do anything and I have the kids during it. After the kids can all chip in and help and we will be done faster.

I am so tired I just want to take a nap now and can’t. I told the kids I am not cooking tonight they are eating whatever leftover are in the fridge. If they are still hungry they can have some of their lunch stuff that is in there or make a sandwich.


{August 30, 2016}   Your Probably A….

If you have went through the little store grabbing things to pack your kids lunch,¬†and trying to make it look healthy and not snatched up in a mad rush at the little store….Your probably¬†a college mom

If you have sat 14.5 hours straight doing school work that is due that night and the next morning, because you had, puking, shitting, feverish kids all week…….Your probably a college mom

If you over sleep and your kids are a half hour and a hour late for school because you were doing homework for 14.5 hours……Your probably a college mom

Oh and if your texting your best friend at 12 am praying that they are working so they can bring you a cold 2 liter of Coke because not only have you been doing homework for hours straight but also drinking kool–aid for the last two days……You might be a college mom

et cetera
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