Single___Parent___Life











{February 27, 2021}   Can’t Wait to Get Moved

I am so over this bitch I can not wait to get moved away from her. She started again tonight about if I found anything and what was she going to do? I am just going to leave her homeless after “all she has done for me”. Let’s talk about all she has done……

Had cps\dcf called on me.

Thrown away and or ruined my rugs furniture and everything else because it wasn’t “good enough” or what she wanted.

Brainwashed my kids trying to turn them against me

Has had code enforcement called several times I almost had to move.

Expectes everyone to do everything for her. Shop, laundry, driver everywhere, go the why she tells you do everything her way. If you get a drink do it this way use this glass not that one dont sit the cup here sit it there. This is no joke or stretching nothing. You can’t sit stuff on one end of the table because something off the ground was sat there 9 months ago. It has been bleached and cleaned. But it is still dirty.

We sleep in a death trap fire hazard every nigh. She has both doors blocked with stuff because you know someone is after us she needs to hear if they try to come in.

The list can go on and on but i can’t because I am already pissed and it just makes me madder thinking about it.

She says she has no way to do this and that. No way to look for a place no one to take her and now all the sick people. It’s no excuse. She could call one of these ride places one of her friends my sister. I am not missing work to help her. I did and she fucked around. Made me miss all day and drove me over the edge dealing with her. She needs committed or something. I dont know. But it is not my issue no more. Few months has been years you can’t help someone who don’t help themselves.

If I could move tomorrow i would and not think twice about it or feel the least bit bad.



{February 27, 2021}   A Good Month

As some of you know I lost my dad unexpectedly February 8 2015. That was the worst thing ever. I did not take it well and still have a hard time. If you have been around you probably know I am not a big drinker. I had one drink between last February and now.

A few day’s before he passed I started drinking in the morning and drink until that night. I never drink in the morning or even the afternoon for that matter. But I did that day. I was feeling bad about everything and wanted a drink. A drink I had. Jack and coke and whatever else i found. I couldn’t drink anymore by the time my friend came to check on me.

I wish I could say that was the first and only time something like this happened but it wasn’t. It seem to happen every February sins he passed. I can be doing good trying to keep my mind on other things. But it seems to never fail i hit a low low point that month and I binge drink. I go to work go home get ready and go out with friends. I drink until I can’t drink anymore and drink some more after I get sick. I have drink so much I hardly knew what was going on. The couple of years were the worst slowly just got worse.

I thought of it the other day and it is the end of the month and I haven’t drink or even wanted to drink. I haven’t had that major depressed feeling come over me and slowly get worse until I feel like it is consuming me. Until I just don’t care and drink to not feel or think about it.

I have had a ruff week with everything that happen Monday. Between that and the stress of trying to move and dealing with the Bitch. I hardly slept this last week. Few hours here and there and that is interrupted. I have had horrible dreams, nightmares, and just wake up off and on all night. Last night was a hard night. But it was just pure exhaustion from not sleeping. I sit here and just wanted to cry over everything. But I still didn’t want to drink. I finally just turned everything off and cried myself to sleep. I slept a little but still not a lot. Was still up and down all night and a wake at 6am.

I am just happy it has been a much better February than the last 5.



{February 26, 2021}   652, 623, 618 Still Not Good Enough

Last year around November you may remember I checked on buying a house. They said I needed a 620 or better credit score. Well about a month ago I was going by the place where they sell new trailers and decided to stop in look around and ask all the questions.

I was surprised she said I should have no problem getting a place with my income and credit. They had some nice place. All they had on the lot were 3 bedrooms. I asked about bigger places she said 4 was about as big as you wanted to go. Because the rooms start to get small.

I came home and started looking them up and seen them with 5 bedroom 3 bathrooms living room and family room. The rooms were really good size still. I picked out 2 floor plans I liked. She told me that I should take my down payment pay cash for the land and use it as the down payment for the trailer. So I started looking at land. Then I had some questions so I went back the next weekend. This time I talked to a guy. Boy was I glad I stopped in before I bought property.

He answered my questions and showed me the plans I was looking at on the computer told me what 3 bedroom model they were on the lot. Then he said I needed to get everything done right then or very soon so they could get my order in. Because they are on back order until December!!

The women told me I could move in June if I got everything rolling in February. I can’t wait til December. He said if I Wanted to roll part or all the land into fencing I would need a 640. Needless to say I left feeling defeated.

So since my scores were over 620 I decided to call the mortgage guy. Who in November said get it over 620 you can get a house. He basically acts as if I am bothering him and says no I need a 640. I told him I just wanted to buy not build. He said I still needed 640. I didn’t have enough down. I have like $10k down. I hung up and decided I wasn’t going to deal with him. A few days later the guy at work gave me a number to someone who can get me the money and find the house. Do it all like my boss did when I bought my first house.

I called him he said since fucking covid they went up on what they want and I need a 640 for my middle score. I knew it was middle. Mine weren’t close to there. They updated and one shot to 652 the others went up but still 17 points from 640. Then something hit my credit and knocked my other score back to 580 something. Now I am waiting until Sunday when they update again to see if my 623 goes to 640 and my 652 stays. I was even looking for someone to add me as a user on their credit card. If they have had it for a while with no late payments and at around 10% usage it will bust my credit. I wouldn’t need access to the card, nothing would happen to their credit nothing. Once I close they can take me off. If my dad was here I would of had my new house for Christmas.

But with every thing happening around here and what happen Monday. I think I am going to call him I need him to just find me a house to rent. I am going to find out what happens if I get a rental then buy. If my score don’t go up then i can work on it a bit.

Rents are just so high and still going up. Why a trailer seemed good. I would have a bedroom for everyone. Girls would have a bathroom boys would and I would. We would have a family room that could be used for all kinds of things and even a 6th bedroom if we needed. Plus it would be brand new never lived in warranty on everything. I have land. I would have around $140,000 into it. I cant even get a 3 bedroom for that. It would be mine. I could have and do whatever I wanted.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I had found about 5 or 6 house’s I wanted to look at. The one I really liked was in a really nice area. They were all 4 bedroom 2 or more bath. I made my mind up if I buy it is going to be at least a 4\2. I can’t touch a 5\2. It surprised me what a jump in price for an extra bedroom. I found a 3 bed with a finished garage. It was a two car i could put a few walls and couple doors to make 2 more bedrooms. I liked it but liked the others better. But in the last 2 days all but two of them are gone. I am thinking maybe waiting to see what comes up the next few months too and if prices drop. I don’t know what to do at this point.



{February 26, 2021}   Not Safe Anymore

I get home Monday night and I see flashing lights on the street between me and the school. From where I was I thought they were closer to the stop, where JW’s best friend lives. As I got closer I could tell there was a lot of cops and they were about half way down the street but that was it.

I pull in park and go inside and said something about the police down the other street. They start telling me they called them. My oldest said her and 2nd oldest went to walk the dog and get clothes from the dryer.

She said they were standing in the yard talking and all of a sudden they heard something. Then they heard a car and it came flying by the house. She said she didn’t know how they made the 90 degree turn without wreck. Then they heard a women or girl screaming for help and someone to please help her coming from over where the car came from.

She said they were scared to call the police because of the DCF bullshit but the lady sounded so upset and they knew something was wrong she sounded so bad. So they called and a bunch of police came flying by.

We went on with our night I checked to see if anyone around me was talking about it olives.on line because my friend lives across from JW’s and he post if he see’s things going on or messages me because he knows the kids are here when i work. But he hadn’t posted anything. I took my shower and ate dinner and kind of forgot about it. I was flipping channels and stopped on this one I never watch. I don’t know if I went to do something or why it was on there. Well in a little bit news comes on. The first thing they say is 17 year old shot in my area. Not putting 2 and 2 together for some reason. I look up as they flash a picture and show the street between me and the school. The street JW’s friend lives on. Who has a 17 year old son. I walked out in the living room the kids were freaking out.

Little bitty is pointing to the tv telling me thats at their school. It basically is the back yard butts up to the school its right on other side of the fence. Mr. 10 has his hands around his face\head and asking if that is really by us that close. He is my one with high anxiety. Mr.15 is pacing the kitchen asking if I found a place to move yet and when we can move. Oldest is telling me she should of got the car’s tag number and she seen it they could know who it was.

I told her it was fine she did the right thing. Told them it was a targeted shooting. Trying to calm them down some and hopefully keep them from worrying. Although it’s to to close to home and anything could of happened. But us mom’s we have to try to put our kids fears to rest even if we are sick from it all right? I was thinking they know my kids seen them leaving there what might they come back and do? I don’t think anything really but it’s something to worry about.

Soon as I got done with them I went back to my room and called JW to see if he seen the news. He said no and I told him what was going on. He said I have to go make a call I will call you back. He wanted to check on his friends kid. He couldn’t get him. The next morning all the cars were home. He still couldn’t get him. He finally got in touch with him later in the day. Something was wrong with his phone. But his kids were okay.

Then JW finds out it is the two guys he works with it is their cousin that was shot. I am a little pissed off about it for a few reasons. A while back officers seen a car that matched one they were looking for. It was over in an area about 5 minutes away. There was the driver he picked up a kid and there was one other in the car. Not sure if he was already in or got in too. They backed out started to go and the cops came out told them to stop had guns out. The drive did not stop they told him again. He still kept moving the car after telling him 3 times i think the cop shot it killed the 2 boys in the front seat. Everyone had a fit rallied in the streets everything else. Even boy in backseat of the car said he could hear the cop saying stop.

It was said they had been on tik toc waving guns around and pointing them at people just before this happened this why they were pulling them over.

Then at the funeral some 16 year old had a gun on him dropped it or something. Shot him and another girl at the funeral. Now this with 17 year old in my yard basically scaring my kids.

It pisses me of because 1) kids and parents need to look at who their kids are running with and what they are into. 2) teach them better to start with so they aren’t out here doing this stuff. 3) take it somewhere else not our decent nice areas. 4) I was already moving in the next few months now its asap because my kids don’t feel safe.

My area was a nice area I grew up here running all over. I would walk to the store’s work, shop or hung out. We would go play on the playground at the park. I have been here since 2014 my kids have never done these things. It sucks that now they could it isn’t safe. People like this guy call you friend why him and his family are part of the issue and bring it to your house like this.

This has been my week. Hope your is better. I will fill you in on the house hunting renting\buying mess in another post. Spoiler alert it isn’t going well. But of course not when dose it?



{February 1, 2021}   Catching Up To Do

I am so disappointed in myself, I was doing good at getting back on truck and posting more often. I derailed again. It has been an extremely bad year for me mentally. I am just starting to feel “normal” again if you can call it that. But as you all know just because thing’s are ruff mentally don’t mean life stops happening. Wouldn’t that be nice if we could just say hey whoa wait a minute life. My heads a little off so just stop and let me catch up straighten things out? But we can’t so we trip and fall along and hope to many people don’t notice. That has been life this year and unfortunately more have noticed than didn’t. I have been trying to put out those fires on top of everything else.

I have to see where we left off and work on getting you all caught up again. I just wanted to let you all know I am here and trying to get back into the swing of things. I need to go back and get caught up on my reading too. I have slacked all around. Sorry guys but you know how that mental rollercoaster ride is. Well a lot of you do. For the ones who don’t know you don’t know how luck you are that you don’t.

I am going to go and figure out where I need to start. I will be back soon.



{January 3, 2021}   It Is Pretty Bad When

You know the other night I went back out and told the social worker yes I was seeing someone. But I didn’t tell everyone here and hadn’t brought him around.

The first thing she said was no no no you don’t want to bring him around her and her maybe say or do something cause problems.

That is pretty bad when she had been here 30 minutes and can already see how she is. Knew that she would try to cause problems.

The way she is you don’t even have to give her the rope. She will bring her own to hang herself on in situations. It is just how she is, she don’t know how to talk to people or handle situations. If she don’t feel like she is getting what she wants she freaks out. Instead of staying calm and talking to people normal. Like the worker said she tries to turn everything around on someone else. She was trying to turn all this around on the worker the other night. I think had I not known more spoke up said the things I did they may have taken my kids.

I even told her from the start tell her she can’t be here she has to leave I have no problem at all with that. You tell me it comes to her my kids I go sit her stuff out tell her to go now. I don’t care.

She ask where she was going to go? I said I don’t know I don’t care. She lied when she came here not supposed to still be here. I am moving leaving her if she goes now is fine with me as well. Make life better the last few months easier.

Then later she came off with the kids can’t be here alone with her. I had to have someone here with all of them why I worked. I said I can not do that. I don’t have anyone. So she has to go. Before she left as she was going out the door I thought of it asked her what about work them being here. She said do what you need to do. So I been going to work. I think sincce she talk to her boss she said it was civil things changed. I am calling Monday to ask her if this is closed or what.

If she says it is not closed I still have a case for 60 days I am going to put them to work for me. Get Father of the years warrant taken care of. Get them to pick him up. Get us back in court. Now get his rights taken so I don’t have to worry about him any more. He is never going to pay.



{December 24, 2020}   40 In TWO Day’s

I can not believe I am going to be 40 in a few days. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t really feel any kind of way about it. I just try to figure out where those 40 years went. Hell mostly where the last 20 went and the things I let go on for far to long. Now life is half over or more.



{December 9, 2020}   Reflections on 2020

On t.v. this morning they were talking about what a horrible year it has been and how they can’t wait for New Years. It is all over online as well. How they all hope 2021 is a better year. After I dropped JW off at work for some reason it popped into my head. It got me to stop and really think about this year and how it has affected me.

I have to truly say that this year over all has been one of the best so far, for me and the kids. I have dealt with some shit for sure. But over all the accomplishments out weigh the rest.

I was able to finally get the vehicle I have wanted for so long the star of the year. I didn’t have to rush out and buy something because I was in a jam. I was able to take a little bit of time to really look around for what I wanted in good shape at a price I could afford. That is what I did, I found a truck in great shape, well taken care of and at a price I could not pass up. Even after the 10,000 miles I put on it and it being a year older I can still turn around and double my money if I wanted to.

As you all know I lost my full time day job in March. But I moved right into full time the next day at my part time job. Doing that has let me gain experience in accounting and billing in addition to dispatching where I started out. So when I go somewhere else I have that experience to offer.

By deciding to not get a 2nd job right away it has given me a break this year. It was much needed after working 65 hours a week 5 or 6 days a week for over a year. I now work a pretty normal 9 to 5 type hours. All though I took a pay cut losing one job and going full time at the other I have maintained the house and all my bills this past year on my owen. All while keeping a nice little chunk of money in the bank up until now. While in the past I normally get into a jam and need to borrow money once or twice a year. I haven’t borrowed any this year. It may not seem like a lot to most it is a great feeling to me.

With schools all being such a mess with this covid it made me go ahead and pull my little ones out and bring them home. They had been asking but working so much I was worried about it. I was worried they wouldn’t do it and it would be a fight. But they are doing it and like it. I see them all growing closer together again like they were. They aren’t fighting as much. My little ones don’t seem so stressed out and tired like when they were in school. Little Bitty is even working above grade level. I think we will keep with it.

I checked into buying a house a while back. My credit score was to low. They said it would take at least a year to get where I needed to be. My highest score was 603 the other two were in the high 500s. I need at least a 620 on my middle score. I opened my first credit card ever. That brought my score up a good amount and I haven’t even made my first payment. My high score is now 627 my middle is 616. My low is only 580 and don’t seem to be budging. I have also opened a kick off account that has boost them some. I am researching what else i need to do to get it higher. See what I can get off my credit. But if I am that high right now imagine what it will be when I get ready to buy one and the deals i will get I hope.

I think the best part of this year so far is getting back in touch with JW and where that has gone. I know we have had some up and downs, I should say I have had some ups and downs. We have only really had one real fight. Most of it has been me and my problem as I said in my other post. I really do think he loves me, probably more than anyone has. He has been there when I needed him most and just holds me when I am a emotional nightmare and I don’t even know what is wrong.

He has been understanding with the kids and that they come first and everything I do how it is going to effect them has to be considered. He understands sometimes I have to drop everything to handle things with them, deal with them or what. Sometimes I feel bad like it isn’t fair to him. I say sorry or something about it he just says babe I understand it’s the kids they come first. He really is caring, loving and sweet.

He has really been my rock when I needed it. He don’t think twice about stepping up and doing whatever it is that I need him to do. If something happens he is the first person I call. If I am just having a hard time or bad day I just want to be with him. I just feel better when we are together. He will be sitting on the couch watching tv and I lay my head on his lap and just fall a sleep. I just so calm and relaxed. He sat there one afternoon for several hours and just let me sleep. I wasn’t planning to go to sleep i was just laying there talking to him. I woke up said something about falling a sleep how long had I slept? He told me. He said I wanted to get up but you were sleeping so good I didn’t want to wake you. He said because he knew I hadn’t been feeling good or sleeping. That was when I was so bad after taking those birth control pills and was so mentally out of it. I just cry and cry. The fact I even went to him and let him see me that way says a lot. I would never with anyone else. I would of hid it just like I do at work and home. But I didn’t feel like I had to do that or wanted to. I wanted to be with him, I just wanted him to hug me and hold me.

He does somethings that makes me question things or feel some kind of way. But again when I really step back it is more my issue than something he did or said. I have noticed too he just says things without thinking about how it sounds or comes across. Not that he is trying to mean it bad it’s just poor wording.

He has put up with me for just under a year and I haven’t scared him away. He may really be in it for the long haul. I hope so because I think he is a keeper.

Bring it on I am ready for another great year.



{December 7, 2020}   Still Here Just Dealing With Life

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and are getting into Christmas.
Sorry I haven’t been around for over a month now. Man did not know it was that long. I started working 50 hours a week for a bit again. Doing 6 days. I would drop him off at work go to work, get off work pick him up and go home. As soon as we ran around doing what we had to do we get home and I would make dinner and clean up. By then it would be after 9. I just wanted to shower and fall into bed and that is what I did most nights.
I have had to rent a car for 8 days why my truck was in the shop and all of a sudden while trying to get it back and return the car I get a call police are at my house.
My mother had called them and she was such a mess they wanted to Baker act her but didn’t have enough to do it. She said she would go then refused. I had to deal with that then go drop the car get the truck. From there go get my things at his house where I been staying the last few months go home. I have been home since the week before Thanksgiving dealing with her and all the bs that is her and goes with her.
To top it off my meds I got on in September stopped working in anyway shape or form. I was a mess, crying over everything, mad or angry over the least little thing. Very moody. Very depressed. I couldn’t see the docker until the Monday after Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving in bed and crying feeling so low and depressed. I wasn’t sleeping and tired all the time. They up me to 300 instead of 150. Today I thought about it and think it is working. I noticed i have slept the last few nights and feel better in the day. Not 100% but huge difference.
My page on here all of a sudden changed the way I have to write my post and things I really don’t care for it. It seems harder on my phone now.

Hopefully I will be around more often again. I did really good keeping up on here then slipped a little. Got back at it and just fell down the rabbit hole of life. I really need to be on here more. It helps me feel better to write and get things out.
So that is the bigger pain in the ass taking up my time things I have been dealing with. There is other news to come in the next few post. I will let you all in on one of those light bulb moments I had the other day, my trip away for the day, and big plans for the new year.



{October 8, 2020}   What We Did This Weekend

So last week me and JW were talking about his dog and him being lonely. He is home all day by himself and then wants someone to play and pet him all night. I don’t blame him. That is why we have always had two dogs when we were all in school and work.

JW said he wanted to go get him a kitten over the weekend but the shelters would be closed. I looked and a few were open so he said he would see when he was off on Sunday.

So we looked around online at what the shelters had. One wanted $75 for kittens. The other said starting at $25 and they had one he really liked. I woke him up early so we could get everything done he was tired. He hasn’t been sleeping good. I didn’t want to get him up but if I didn’t we wouldn’t get things done. I took him to breakfast and we ran to the store to return something. Then off to the SPCA to look at kittens. They have most the cats and kittens in rooms with toys and things let them run around. It is a really nice set up. We went in a few and the last one we walked in we were both like I like that one and picked one up. We both picked different ones up. But thought they other was cute too. JW picked up a little black one and I had a little orange Tabby.

I am not a cat or kitten person. But When I was younger there was this huge fat orange Tabby that hung out at my grandma’s house. We feed, watered him and loved on him. He was an outside cat. Then my dad had a big fat tabby who was raised by our dog and thought he was a dog. I have just always like the little Orange kitties. I can think of a few other cats that weren’t tabby we had. So there has pretty much always been cats around growing up.

JW and I played with the kitties in the room and decided we wanted the little black one and small orange one. There was another Orange one but he was fatter. His belly was fat, kind of looked like maybe something was wrong.

When we were in one of the first rooms we seen prices on the window. It said kittens were $60 adult cats were $25 and older cats were $5. We were a little unhappy because it said $25 online. We didn’t think the other’s would be over twice that. But one of the employees said they were having a special buy me get my buddy free. So two for $60. We still at that point wasn’t looking for two. But when we found them it just seemed meant to be.

They are both right at 3 months old. Just over from what they can tell. Mine is the older of the two. He was rescued from Mississippi from the storm. JW’s was rescued from the county over from us. His name is Prince. Mine was Burton. I have been calling him Pumpkin (Punk) for short.

When we were looking online we seen an Orange one his name was Pumpkin. I wanted him right away. He was a fluffy Tabby like the one at my grandma’s. And Pumpkin was what my dad’s mom and family called him growing up. My aunt’s and cousins still call him that. But then some how we were on a page of cat’s from NC. To far to go. I found this one I thought it would be fitting. But I don’t know I may change it. I can’t decide.

It was funny because JW seen one he wanted but we weren’t sure where he was at the shelter. We could not remember what room it said and it looked like some had been moved. So we were just looking and figured we would ask if we didn’t find one. When we told the lady the one’s we wanted she scan them to tell us about them and it was the one he seen on line and wanted. We weren’t sure because there was a littler of like 3 or 4 they looked close to the same. But there was only 2 in there and we hadn’t seen the others. We thought we had seen him on a different shelters site maybe. But he wasn’t he was there and they found each other. He loved JW when he came in and sat down he was playing with him then he licked his nose when he stood up was petting him before we went out.

This is mine on the way home. He laid on my lap and slept

His wanted to run all over the truck. He had to hold him in his lap to get him to stay.

They were not sure what to think of the dog. They were safe up here but was still keeping an eye on him. Pumpkin is warming up to the dog a bit now. As long as the dog is not looking at him he is okay. He will walk right beside or in front of him sit close. But as soon as the dog looks he gets ready to fight if he has too. He don’t his spit or slap right away. He waits if the dog tries to smell or touch him then he will. Small progress but it is something. The black one will not get near him. He is still scared.

Sunday night they ran all over the bed messed with me all night. There is no door on the room to keep them out. I was so aggregated. Last night as soon as they started i got up picked them up put them in the bathroom with their litter box and closed the door. JW said they would meow all night we would have to let them out. I guess they went to sleep I never heard anything. They came walking out fine when he open it this morning. Won’t hurt them until they learn to go to sleep or not to play on the bed. They have a towel in there to sleep on and their box.

I am thinking about giving the Orange one to Little Bitty for her birthday. JW say’s I can’t keep them together and with the dog for a few weeks then take him away. I will have to see how they are doing when I get ready.

So that is what we did this weekend. Next weekend I need to get them in a checked and shots. Mine needed his rabies the day we got him but the vet wasn’t in to give it. JW’s was to little to get his. So they gave me vouchers to wave the office visits to get them checked. She gave me one for the one shot he should of had that day. So all we will pay for is the one shot for mine and the two for his. He wanted to take them to our vet get them started there and it is closer and they are open 7 days a week. But I explained to him it was extremely cheaper to get them there and it would be the same as if they already had given them. He didn’t realise they waved the office visits. That is $90 in itself.

But we are happy with our new babies. JW is so cute with them. He just plays and talks to them pet’s them.



et cetera
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