My step Dad went in the hospital before we left on our trip, I went up and tried to see him but couldn’t get in because the floor was closed for hours. I had to leave before they opened back up. But he was doing good and they were talking about sending him to rehab in the next day or two. So I wasn’t the phone worried about leaving. I kept in touch with my sister every day as well.

well he didn’t get out but was moved from ICU. I think they were waiting to make sure his meds were under control before moving him, I’m not 100% sure.

JW went back to work work Wednesday morning at 5. I was still on vacation until Monday. I didn’t get up to see him until Thursday. I seen him he didn’t look good he lost a lot of weight. But they were saying he was still doing good and going to rehab soon. I went up the next few days and seen him. Friday me and my sister went together to see him. Our other sister left for a cruise of all things. My sister said she told her that morning he couldn’t go to rehab and was going to go home and they were stopping treatment for the cancer. She still went on her cruse.

me and my younger sister got there and in a little bit they came to do something with him. We step to the side. This doctor come in the book walks up to his bed and starts telling him he needs a dnr and his daughter said he had to sign it she couldn’t make that call. She told him how the cancer was worse grown and spread. They couldn’t keep doing treatment and he needed to go on hospice care.

when she came in and started all this we walked over to his bed she said something about giving them some privacy. I said this is his daughter and we need to know what is going on. She let us stay. When she was done we walked over to the door with her and she started telling us what all was going on. She was saying she thought there was very poor communication between the doctor and family about everything that was going on. She was saying she didn’t think the family was understanding how bad it was and everything.

She said he is very malnourished and the cancer is to bad we can’t treat anymore. My sister said you’re giving up on him? The doctor said no not at all we are doing the human thing to do and making him comfortable and giving him quality over quantity. She said you all do not understand this this is the end.

I knew what she was saying before she came out and said that. I said so you are saying the end are you talking day’s,weeks or months? We need to know what is going on so we can know what to do for him.

She said weeks maybe a month. She started talking to me telling me more once she seen I understood what was going on. She kept saying please explain to them make them see this isn’t good what I am trying to say?

I told her yes an that our other sister was the one who had been handling it all and we didn’t always get the best info from her. I asked her if you can’t do anything for him why is he still here? Why can’t he go to a hospice house if he needed 24hr care so he could be more comfortable?

She said to me sister said she was going on a cruise would I keep him until she got back Monday. She said what was I going to say of course I will I want him taken care of. She was about in tears herself. She told us her dad died of the same thing and how her sister kept dragging him to treatments and things how bad it was.

She talked to us for a bit and left. He was so tired we told him w would come back later. When we left I told my sister I didn’t think our brother in Ohio knew or he would be here. She said she thought they told him that morning. I just didn’t think he knew so I told her to call him I was driving.

she called him and put him on speaker we asked him what he knew what update he had gotten? He was talking about him going to rehab and things.

I stopped him told him I had to tell him something. That we just talked to the doctor and he needed to know what she had said.

I told him he was not going to rehab. They were talking about hospice house. He was telling me I was wrong. I said they are stopping treatment and want a dnr in place. He said wait it is already done our sister already did it. I said no the doctor came in told him she said she couldn’t and he needed to decide and he wasn’t understanding. We told him how it spread and got bigger. He was saying it already had spread and the one spot got bigger. He was saying no it’s smaller it was already in these other places the doctor was knew didn’t know what she was talking about. I said look she told sister all this before she left I don’t know what she is telling you but this is what the doctor said the scan she just did today shows.

He said forget it I will be there tomorrow to get this all straightened out and I am calling his normal doctor. I said okay I am sorry to call with such news but I felt you needed to know before sister decided to tell you when it was convenient for her. He said thank you and he would see us the next day sometime his girlfriend was looking for flights at the moment.

I think I am finally done updating on the last year or two, everything else will fall into place among other post. I updated the main things or big things for the most part, things that will come up in other post. You won’t be lost going wait when did that happen or where did that come from. I am glad to be with the updates, I am surprised how hard it was to remember what happened and when and details. But I know that is from the stress and trauma over the last few years. It is a lot easier to write about now than now and what happened.

I am so aggravated with myself, I had posted everyday since I started back, I was 19 day in posting at least one time a day. A log of times two or three. Now it has been 3 days I think since I posted. I thought I had things together and posting, I guess I was confused and they posted the day before. I had been doing good about getting at least my one post written up in advance and then doing the second one later if I had free time and felt like writing. I would take that time to get the next post ready before I wrote another for the day. But then got thrown off and it has been hard trying to get back into the swing of it. I am starting new today.

Me and JW have been spending more time together the last few days as well and that has been nice. My friend I had not seen in years was down visiting she leaves in a bit to go home so I made dinner and had her over and caught up with her for the last 3 or 4 hours. Now I am sitting here watching a movie with the kids waiting to pick JW up at 9 so we can go to bed to start this crazy week tomorrow. I figure I will post tonight to start the week off and start working on other post when I have my free time tomorrow at work. It is harder doing it there because it is on my phone but it seem to be when I have the time to really work on it. Thought about getting a tablet and try using that. I don’t think anyone would say anything or really notice honestly. But if I took my laptop and tried to work on that something would be said. If not said everyone would want to know what I was doing and all about it. I don’t care of them to know everything.

I have caught up on sleep as well, the last few days. Yesterday I slept in until after 11:30 in the morning. JW did too. I woke up earlier but felt bad for him and let him sleep. The baby was not wanting to sleep Friday night, I guess I fell a sleep on the couch sitting out there with them watching tv and things. He woke me up and told me to go to bed. I woke up at one point and heard him coming in the back door from outside. I thought I felt him get in bed but I fell right back to sleep. I woke up later and rolled over to put my arm around him and he wasn’t there. I looked at my phone and it was 4am, I knew he must be on the couch with the baby. I went and sure enough he was between the two and the baby was beside him sleeping. I woke him up and told him to put him in bed and come to bed. I knew he had been up late with the baby for him to have been sleeping out there with him and was really uncomfortable out there like that so I let him sleep in.

Once we got up we got some stuff accomplished. We took the kids down to the village and walked around the arts and craft fair. After that they wanted to stop at the library to check on setting up a DnD game there on the weekends. I had to go to the phone store so I dropped them off and told them I would be back by the time they closed if not sooner. It was only about and hour and half before they closed so not a long time. We went to the phone store and stopped by JW’s old job and talked to them for a bit because it is right next to the phone store. After that we picked them up came home and relaxed for a bit and went food shopping and came home and had dinner and just relaxed the rest of the night.

Today we slept in a little but not as late, then we ran to Sam’s to pick up the things we needed there and got gas. I dropped him off at work on the way home. Then came home put chicken in the crockpot for dinner for us and my friend and hung out with her ad the kids the rest of the afternoon/ evening.

We have been to most of our therapy appointments that are together, I honestly don’t know if it is doing any good or not. I try to talk to him about it after and he has nothing to say really. If he does it seems he missed the whole point and is in left field somewhere. But the conversation is never more than he answers one or two questions and it’s done. No real conversation.

When we went in she of course took him back and talked to him first and then brought me in. I have been seeing her so she didn’t really need to talk to me alone. She already knew where I was and I was having issues with.

She did ask us about it when we were together. He didn’t say anything so I did. I said how I ask and ask for thing’s to be done it literally takes months to a year. How I try to talk to him when there is something wrong or have a conversation about things to do with the house, moving or anything really I get nothing. Just yeah ok or what. How when things are wrong like when the car broke and we needed a new one and needed money. All I got was I don’t know, I have no money where am I supposed to get it from. How I was told he could just take a bus and like oh well with us. I said he talks about how his ex’s were and things use to be but then I try to include him or try to tell him what is wrong and get ignored. I said I feel like I am being punished for what everyone else done it isn’t right.

I said I am at a point of I care I love him and want us together but not at the experience of my happiness. How long am I supposed to put up with basically being ignored and in reality how I feel, what I want or think or need isn’t cared about?

She looked at him ask him how he felt about all that. What I was saying? He said he needed to work on things. She asked him how he felt about the relationship and basically what he felt was issues or he would like to see Change? He said nothing really it isn’t her it’s all me. I have asked him the same thing many times he says same he is fine with the way things are. But then to me that is a problem because he See’s no need to change. I don’t know.

She has talked about him needing to talk to someone himself and work on something. He doesn’t say much. Just it would probably be a good idea but hasn’t ask how or anything. I feel we need some more time together as well. We just need to work out money to do it.

We have a session today and then one more in a few weeks because she will be out the next two. I am going to bring up a lot today and get the ball rolling on getting us in for more time and or getting him in for some time by his self if he will. But I don’t know if he is going to or not. If he doesn’t I don’t know what that will mean for us. Because there still no communication between us. I think we do need more together. Even if I have to find somewhere different that is cheaper or works better for us.

I have told you all how sick I was and how much work I missed between that and having the baby. Then other things that came up over the year as I was trying to get back on track.

So most the bills other than rent have been running a month behind. I have been paying what was needed to keep it on each month. Me and JW sat down and went over all the bills and credit cards. I showed him what was owed on everything and we figured out what we could pay on everything Wednesday when we get our checks.

We had figured out we could pay on everything and get some things paid to a zero balance. The other stuff we would pay on it and then pay the rest off next Wednesday. The credit cards wouldn’t be paid off of course but once we paid the monthly bills down the zero we would have more to pay on them and get them down lower. Paid off soon.

Yesterday he gets off work and goes home, in a bit he is messaging me the water is off. My note said the 13 and we had just plan to pay it the 1st. It was off. They won’t let someone else pay on your bill even if they are using your card. He called to make a payment before to help out and they three way a call to me. Another time way back a friend went to pay it for me and the kids as a gift. That was before I got my two good jobs and was really struggling right after father of the year disappeared and stop paying. I didn’t even know they were going. But they refused to let them pay it for me because he wasn’t on the account. When my dad was so sick and was on hospice care father of the year went to pay it. They looked his name up and seen he had a water bill he didn’t pay and added it to my bill. I fought and fought it because we were not together we lived in different houses and I was not on the account for the house. They said it didn’t matter we were still legally married so I was responsible too. Because any debt enquired while married is debt of the marriage and both are responsible. The only thing I could do is make it part of my divorce and have them make him pay me back. No where else does that kind of thing when it comes to bills. If you didn’t sign being responsible for it they can’t come back on you. But if you file for divorce then the parties can fight it out in court and try to make the other responsible for it even if they didn’t but that is the court not just Jo blow company decided that is what they are going to do.

But anyway I tell my daughter to please call give them the info and have them turn it back on. Over the phone a female calls she just acts as if she is me and they do it. Well they wouldn’t let her. They said I had to come in bring my lease and id in. I couldn’t get off work for a bit as soon as I could I left. Stopped at the house and picked him up and went over there.

I get to the counter and they tell me I need to pay over $800. My bill wasn’t even close to $800. I was prepared to pay half of my normal bill. I was flooded where did all these other charges come from? She starts telling me that back in January they turned my water off. Then she tells me I did not come in and pay it. I just turned it back on and started using it!!!! So when they figured it out they came out turned it off, took my meter out and locked it up. That is where all these other fees came from.

I have no idea what they are talking about. I was mortified she is saying this and the place is full of people. I have never in my life done such a thing and wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to deal with all the trouble I could get into for that matter.

If I truly did not have the money to pay it I would do without before I did that. I could of asked oldest to borrow enough to pay it. Or my sister. If it came down to it I would take the walk of shame and go ask for an advancement on my check or even a loan so I could take care of it. Not go turn it back on and use it.

I don’t even know when they are talking about it went off. Because I went in and made a cash payment that month. And of course now they say they never got it. I never make cash payment I always pay over the phone but I had cash I did not want to put in the bank and was right by the water place. I just stopped and paid it. But it wasn’t off. But of course they are the only water company for most of the county if not the whole county and I have to use them and they know it. They do what they want. I about died the other day when I called their little recording that plays when you call says thank you for calling the water department. Where customer service IS NOW a priority for us. Basically flat out saying we don’t care but now we will try to act like we do.

Why I am hear asking them what they are talking about and where my payment for January went I heard another guy down the way demanding to know why they came out and locked his meter up. Saying he didn’t know what they were talking about he wasn’t late on his bill or anything like that. I wanted to talk to him but he got away before I could. I was trying to hurry up and get their stuff done and get them paid so they would turn it on that day. It was so close to closing time they almost didn’t. I made arrangement’s to pay what I had to yesterday and then pay almost $500 of it next week to get them to turn it back on. I am going to continue to fight it and try to get it done away with because I did not do something like that. But until I can get it taken care of I have to pay it because I can’t be here with no water for the kids. If it was just me and JW I probably would of just left it off and fought it. I am going to go on line and ask if anyone else has had this problems or others with the water company and get a group together and see if we can get something done. I may call the utility commissioner if they don’t listen and do something about it.

But now that is hundreds of dollars I did not plan to put out and it is money that is to pay everything else including my rent. I don’t know what to do at this point. I do not get vacation again until the 18 of March. Normally they will not let us cash it in. If they do a week only. We had plan to take a vacation over the summer or sooner and go see his dad. Now we will have to save enough money for the trip and then enough for the pay that I will be missing that week because it will be unpaid time off. We can cash it in then take time off later unpaid still if we want to. Then my 2nd week I wanted to save for Christmas time. I was going to take off 12/26 since it is a Tuesday through 1/3 to spend time with the kids. I will have Saturday Sunday and Monday off for Christmas so I will start my vacation the day we are supposed to go back. Then have the same off the following week for New years. But I don’t want to go back on the 2nd so I will go back the 3rd. I want to get tickets to the theme park for the kids maybe we will drive over a few days and go why I am off. But now we have to save to have pay for that week I will be missing as well as Christmas and the bills. I am going to do that walk of shame and go talk to my boss and explain I had something come up and that I really need my time now and to cash in both weeks so I can get everything on track once and for all. I hope he can talk the owner into it or just do it and no one say anything. But I think the owner has to approve it so he will most likely have to talk him into it. But he is big on us taking our time off and getting a break from work.

I just can not believe they are saying I did such a thing. I wish I had a camera so that I can show no one ever messed with the meter. That I hadn’t had the kids clean the car out a while back, because they threw the paper where I paid it away. It wasn’t their fault. I told them I had everything I didn’t need it. It had been almost a month I didn’t think I did. I am now going to start saving every paper I get from them if I pay in cash.

We didn’t do anything for New Year’s this year. Infact we were in bed by 9/9:30 that night. He had to be at work by 5am New Year’s day. I had to be up to take him.

I seen the house down from us looked as if they were getting ready for a party and their were fireworks going off everywhere. They had been for days. Later I went out and they were having a block party. I knew nothing about it but I didn’t care they were not bothering me. If they did they only do it a few times a year so not a big deal.

His mom was still here then too. She didn’t go anywhere or do anything either.

Part of my Christmas gift from work was a bottle of peanut butter whiskey. I decided to have some. I tried some in my tea it wasn’t very good. I did a few shots it was good. I had some coffee made there so I decided to have some in my iced coffee. Oh my that was good. A few shots or so and some cream.

After finished mixing my drink I walked back outside for something and the lady across the street from me and the one down the street from me were sitting out on the side yard talking. I walked over was talking to them.

The lady who lives at the house said something about the party and the people right across not coming. She said they told you all right? I said no one told us anything. she looked so embarrassed. She said I am so sorry, they told me they were telling you all then said they had. Then when it was time they didn’t come out and messaged and said they weren’t coming out they were going to bed or something. They seen us take some cake and birthday balloons in so they thought we were celebrating a birthday that was why we hadn’t come out.

The cake and stuff was mine. Since mine is the day after Christmas we hadn’t done anything. My sister and us met at the park that day to let the kids play and when we pulled up they had cake and balloons with gifts and surprised me. We were bringing those in. But it really wasn’t a big deal I told her that. I said I seen you all setting up but I didn’t know it was for a block party I thought you had people coming over. I didn’t think anything of it.

I didn’t we all do things like anyone else that we don’t invite the block to. When we came out it was a block party I figured one of a few things happened. They just spur of the moment decided to do it figured everyone who wanted to would come out when they seen and got ready, they told the kids and they forgot to tell us, or we weren’t home when they were doing planning they were going to tell us. it wasn’t a big deal she was all worried about it. Was worried that is why we weren’t staying.

I told her no we had to be up by 4am and we had been up most the night with the baby the night before. We were getting ready to go to bed.

The one lady from down the street I like she said what’s in your coffee or is it just coffee? I told her it had peanut butter whiskey in it. She was like oh I never thought of that it’s one of my favorites, I have a bottle at home. She said now I have to try it.

We talked a few minutes and went in to bed. Over all it was a good New Years Eve. Much better than last years. I was to sick to do anything he had wanted to have a party when we first moved in. I told him at that point I was fine if he had a party as long as he didn’t get mad that I spent the night at my old house. He said no that I was to sick he wasn’t going to have a party and didn’t want me staying over there alone and sick. I honestly didn’t care. But that was an uneventful new Year’s Eve too.

Then of course New Year’s day we didn’t really do anything either. He went to work we did a little shopping for the house that was about it.

I made salmon and he made shrimp for dinner his mom was wanting shrimp and fish before she left. She was very surprised how good it came out. She said it was best she had. That’s says a lot because she always has something to say about most places or people’s cooking.

I just hope this year is a good year for us all. I am truly just in the last couple of months starting to feel like my old self and completely over being so sick when I was pregnant.

I planned to go back to work the week after his mom left but ended up taking another week or so off. It was so close to Little Bitty’s birthday I wanted to wait until we celebrated that. I had all this time off it seem wrong to go back a day or two before her birthday and tell her sorry spend the day without me I’m going to work and we will do your birthday in a week on the weekend. Her birthday was a Monday so I went back to work on Tuesday. It was funny because work called that day to get an idea of when I was coming back because I hadn’t set a date at that point. I had a lot of time I could take off and was considering working from home. I just told them I had a birthday that day I would be in the next day.

Little Bitty turned 9 just two months after I had the baby. We had dinner and took her to the fair. She had a blast. As soon as we walked in a guy came over gave us information about a magic show they were getting ready to do. We decided to sit and watch it.

I didn’t know but JW had went over and talked to the guy doing the show and told him it was Little Bitty’s birthday we were there celebrating. At the end of the show the last trick he asked for someone else to come up and help he picked her. She didn’t want to go at first she finally did. he did this thing where he put this whit coat painter’s smock on her then gave her a brush told her to paint this glass. When it was done he pulls it out it said happy birthday on it she looked so confused because she hadn’t told him it was her birthday. Then he had her take the jacket off and give it back. then he goes wait something is in this jacket, it’s really heavy. Did you notice how heavy it was and asked her if she felt felt something in it? She was saying no and looking funny. He pulls this big live bird out of the jacket. She was amazed.

The next day I went back to work. I had been moved from my desk to the little one in the hall in the back. So I could be closer to the people in the team I work with. I now almost a year later think it’s so everyone don’t see how much I sit here and do nothing most days. But I was a little pissed off at first. But after a day or two I decided I am not excited about it but it is nicer than being upfront. I have more interaction with the drivers and the others in my group.

I was working every other Saturday when I first came back but only an hour or two. It was the first Saturday back after my leave I was here with my boss. We were talking about the new camera’s in the trucks and how people were covering the speakers or tilting them up or down away from the road. So he told me to go out and check all the trucks that were on the yard at the time and make sure they weren’t covered and aimed the right way. He wanted a list and pictures of any with issues so we could call the driver in and speak to them about it. And they couldn’t deny it if we had pictures.

I went and got my phone and pad of paper and go get in the first truck and checked it. I couldn’t get in the 2nd one because it was locked. I walked into the shop and asked them for their key and went back out to unlock it. I got up in the truck was sitting in the seat both feet flat on the floor of the truck. I looked up at the camera checked it and started making my note. The next thing I knew I felt all this pain and open my eyes and was trying to figure out where I was what was going on. As I am slamming against the truck. I realized I was falling out of the truck and hitting the steps on the truck on the way down. I landed on my left foot some how when I first fell. Then fell the rest of the way down hitting my right side, butt, elbow and wrist before hitting the grown.

I hurt some but my left foot was killing me. I hobbled around and got in and out of the other trucks and checked them, took the key back to the shop. Then I came in and went to my boss’s office and sat down. I told him I fell out of the truck and I thought I had jammed my toes on my left foot. They hurt like heck. I took my shoe and sock off because I had my sneakers on and looked at my foot. It seemed okay so I put it back on. I was done with everything but still had a few hours to go. I told him I was going home I was hurting. I cleaned my wrist up were it started bleeding and left. I truly did not think much of it. I was laughing about my dumbass falling out of the truck and jamming my toes beating myself up. I was also very confused about what happened and how I fell.

By the time I got home my foot was swollen up huge. I took my shoe off and propped it up. I just spent the weekend staying off of it as much as I could considering I had a newborn. By Monday when I got to work I decided I needed to get it looked at because something was wrong. I told HR when she got in. Then called work comp and they sent me to have it checked at the walk in clinic.

I finally was taken back and they did x rays of my whole foot. They came in all worried about it and said I broke my little toe at the base of my foot. They said it was a bad place to have a break because it could shift and need to be operated on. So I went home and called comp and let them know.

It took them forever to get me in to see someone to find out what I had to do. They put me in a boot and told me to keep it on until I can get in and see the other doctor. It was horrible and uncomfortable and killing me the way my back and hips are. Finally right before Easter I got in to see someone. He was an ass. I did not like him and he acted as if I was stupid for coming in, I was wasting his time. He never ask to look at it told me nothing to do for it. When I told him what the other place said and that I may need a different boot and things he got snippy with me. He said you don’t even really need to wear the boot. The whole time his tech is sitting behind him and looking shocked and like he can’t believe what he was saying and the way he was talking to me. He said I think you should wear your boot at least 4 weeks or so. The doctor was like yeah you can if you want.

I left there so angry and ready to call comp and tell them to get me in to see someone else. But I waited the 4 weeks or whatever they said it should take and my follow up was scheduled for. I called them about a week before my follow up and told them I was not going back to him how he treated me and what the owner of the company I work for said about him and others. That I was not going back to have him tell them everything was fine and release me from care and them drop me until someone checked it again. It had been a week or more when I went to him and he didn’t bother to x ray it and check to see if the bone had moved or if it started to heal or anything. At the point I contacted them it was still extremely painful. I was still wearing a boot.

We did Easter at home and then took the kids to the park and met up with my sister and her family. We let the kids hunt Easter eggs and took pictures. I was surprised his family didn’t get together and do something since they are very religious. They get together for Christmas and Thanksgiving, I assumed they would then too but they didn’t. That was fine with me it was nice to just stay home relax and see my sister. Just having the baby and being in the boot and trying to stay off my foot I didn’t really want to go anyway.

Over all April was a pretty good month. I was ready to go back to work as well. Just could of done without breaking my poor toe.

Since I was supposed to have the baby the end of February his mom had planned to make her next trip down in March instead of July like she normally does. She couldn’t wait to see the baby. She went over picked her friend up on the way here and brought her down with her. She was in South Carolina. She went to her daughter’s house to stay and his mom went to her sister’s to stay. She always stays there.

JW quit his job right before she came down. I think the 11th was his last day. We talked about it and we did not want the baby in daycare. Daycare or in home care would cost more than he was making in a month. Me quitting my job was not a. Option. I was making almost twice what he did in a week. My hours are do flexible as are my days. I get decent benefits it has taken me to long to get where I am and to have the flexibility. Plus we would never make it on what he made even if I worked part time. So we decided he would find a different job and work evening’s. As long as he could pay his child support, give me some each week and have something left for himself.

Since his mom was coming we agreed he would work out the next week and then be done. I agree to pay his child support for 2 months so he could take time to find something that would work around the hours he could work and let him be off on Friday and Saturday. This way he didn’t have to just jump on the first thing offered. He was going to take off the week his mom was here and then start looking and applying. And get the info for child support so we could pay it until he started working again.

His mom came and was just thrilled to see the baby. He got to spend some time with her. We went a few places and seen some of their friends. Then had a little BBQ at the house so others could get together and see her before she left since they weren’t able to set up a time to see her. Over all it was a good visit. It was nice to have him home for a bit.

{February 21, 2023}   Are We To Broken 💔

JW and I have had a lot of up’s and downs over the last year. I feel like it’s way more downs than up’s. I don’t like the way I feel, I truly love him in love with him but I don’t know how much more I can take. I feel we are so badly broken that we can’t come back together again. I feel like because of me being sick as soon as we moved in and not being able to help with the move or anything else and then everything that comes with having a new baby we haven’t been ourselves since we got here. Things should be getting easier with the baby and they aren’t. He doesn’t want to sleep at night me getting up so early and now JW has to too. Nights are stressful and lately if we get a night or even a few minutes alone is a fight to get. Then the stress between us is so high and words have been said we hardly have any thing to do with each other. We lay in bed on our sides and do stuff on our phones. I try to keep it to a few minutes not long but give him time to lay down destress then I put mine up and try to have some time with him. He will play another 20 minutes or more. By then I am passing out.

There is a lot more going on too but I think the stress of the baby over all is really impacting things. I try I try really hard but I’m having a hard time with him still he doesn’t get that, he acts like I’m a horrible person because I am having a hard time right now. That I feel horrible because of it and his attitude doesn’t make it any better.

Last night the two middle kids took the baby for a while to play with him and watch him so we could lay down and relax. I went to get a shower he never came in. I got out he got in. I laid down he finally came to bed. I set my alarm and laid the phone on the nightstand and rolled over to him. He set his alarm put the phone down and never even looked at me wrapped up in his blanket and ignored me. I laid there a few minutes and just scooted over rolled over and went to sleep. in the night at some point he came over and put his arm around me. But what’s that the way things are and he did when we laid down.

I just don’t know I am so tired and we can’t get on a schedule because his hours are never the same. I don’t even know if I want things to be better or if I want them to be done and him out. Deep down I want us but I don’t feel he does really. I feel he settled. I hate that feeling. I don’t know if it is me because of the way things are or what anymore.

{February 18, 2023}   Update 13 February 2022 Cheated On

Shortly after the baby came from NCIU I received a call from the lady from the health department. She says that I needed to come in and get retreat. I was very confused because we had done two test since last year after we finished treatment and we were fine. I asked why she said you have been reinfected. I was like what how? She said you would of had to be with someone who had it again. I said I have been to sick I haven’t been with anyone and I am still with JW so I wouldn’t be anyway. She said then he would have to of been reinfected again and gave it to you. I set up for us to be tested and treated again and hung up.

Now last year when we found out that I had this and I caught it from him, I never thought for a minute that he must of cheated or was cheating on me. My thought was he must of had it when we got together and didn’t know. Never questioned him nothing. Just let’s get this taken care of. And that is what we did and we went on.

When I got that phone call and she said I had it back and if I had not been with anyone else I had to of gotten it from him and he had to of been with someone and caught it again. I was pissed. He was at work and still had hours before he was going to be home. I got the baby ready told the kids I would be back in a little bit and went straight to his job. I didn’t even know if they were busy or not and I didn’t care. I had done made my mind up we were going to talk regardless they would have to deal with it. I pulled up and about that time he came out around the building from the back. He had come out to smoke.

I don’t even know what I said to him but I started questioning him what was going on who he had been seeing and for how long. He was like what are you talking about I haven’t. So then I asked him why I had this back and was having to go get treated again? He swore up and down he didn’t know and I had to of gotten it some other way and all this. I said no this is the only way to get it I haven’t been with anyone else at all since before we got together. That he knew how sick I was and that I had hardly been with him. He said he had been there at the house with me and the kids or at work he couldn’t have been doing anything all this. I said what about all the time since we were tested and you were still living over there and I don’t know what you do here all day. Because I know his buddy there will take off and leave for an hour or two half the day and come back no one says anything. I don’t know if he isn’t doing the same and telling me he is at work or when he would just stop talking for hours or the whole night before when he was still living at his place.

He just kept saying he didn’t do anything he promised on his life the baby he did not cheat on me. Do I think he would promise like that on baby if he did? I said I don’t know what you would do I didn’t think you would cheat on me but here we are. And as sick as I was and you would do that. I said that is low. I was surprised he didn’t get mad or yell he just kept telling me he loved me he wasn’t like that and wouldn’t do that. He didn’t want to lose me and the baby and he had that done to him twice he would never do that to someone. I was over listening to him and told him he better go get treated again and tell his who or whatever to get treated too and left. I had to go back later to pick up oldest because she was working there with him so I picked him up too. He kept telling me he didn’t do it he didn’t know what happened. I said well I guess we will know once we go to get treated and tested again. But I already been tested and this is what it says. That is how the baby got it. I said you know it’s pretty bad you would do this to me and risk my health like that but it’s sick you would risk the babies life like that. He was saying he would never do that and never put either of our health at risk and everything.

We didn’t talk much for the next few weeks. We went got tested and treated again. We still weren’t talking much more than if we had to. He tried to get close and things a few times at night I was like nope don’t touch me stay over there on your side of the bed. I could tell that really bothered him. But I didn’t care this was no ops I broke your phone or something this was much more.

I did some research and things about this std and the test and everything I could find out about it. I found something that said if the test were not preformed by the same place and sent to the same place as the first they could show very different results. That even if they were done by the same lab but different places did the test it could be different.

When I went to be treated and tested again I brought it up to the lady and she thought it was odd and said she never heard that. She said one other nurse there said she thought she read somewhere that after birth your numbers could rise and then go back down. But they had been researching it as well and could not find any info about it being wrong or different for any other reason than being reinfected. She said they were going to look into it more too. Then she said when she read the babies info she didn’t know why they sent him to NICU or treated him because his numbers compared to mine the way they do them was low. That is probably why they didn’t keep him 7 or 8 days like they were going to. But she still didn’t know about mine why they were so high. So they tested and retreated. Said she would let me know when mind came back in.

after what seemed like forever the nurse called me back with my test results. She said I don’t know what is going on or what happened, but you were not reinfected. She said your numbers are fine you are concerned not to have it. If you had it at the hospital and you been 2 or three weeks with out treatment your numbers would be extremely high it goes up very quickly. She said I did not need to come in for the next two rounds of treatment. She said she would call him when his came back let him know what it said but she didn’t think they would be anything to worry about either.

I felt bad for accusing him of cheating but what am I supposed to think when there is only one way to catch it? I know I hadn’t been with anyone. I told him over and over I was sorry. He said he understands he wouldn’t do that he knows how it feels it’s been done to him. He would never put mine and the babies health at risk. That he was just as confused as I was because he didn’t think I had done anything.

I didn’t want to believe he had done anything but again like they said only one way you can get it. I kinda had to think he did. Something just bothered me about it that is why I researched it so much to see what I could find out. I thought of another way or two I wondered about. I wanted to see what it said about that. It said no but I did find the information about the test.

I am just glad it didn’t come between us or cause a bigger issue for us. He had every right to be mad and upset about it. But he knew how sick I had been, then the issue with them taking the baby to NICU and me going back to hospital and then having baby home and all that comes with that.

January things were no better, I was back to the hospital once or twice a week. When I wasn’t in the hospital I was at the doctors office twice a week getting non stress test done to check the baby or going to get ultrasounds done to check on him. I did I tell you we found out we are having a boy? If not now you know. I was hardly going to work at all and if I did I was leaving with in a few hours. Some days I would go in at 6 or 7 because I would already be up because I couldn’t sleep and I figured if I was already up and feeling okay I should go maybe get a few extra hours in. If I waited until normal time I would be feeling sick in no time and leaving. I was getting maybe 10 to 20 hours a week, that was it and we were supposed to be working about 45. But they never said a word about it.

I tried to take leave again and the owner kept saying just do what you can you will need your leave when baby comes. I had three weeks paid coming plus my yearly bonus that was about a week and half of my normal weekly pay. So I had just about one full month of pay when I finally took leave.

I went for my 35 week check up and my doctor said she was setting me up to be induced at 37 weeks. She was trying to hold out until 38 but I was to bad. I asked her when and she said she was looking at the 7th or 8th. I said I would rather do it the 8th. She asked why, I said I just had a feeling he is going to come then I would rather him come on his own. I said my dad passed on the 8th and the last days I have just had this feeling that it is going to be then. She said okay the 8th it will be and went and called labor and delivery and set it up. She said I told them to bring you in at 9 so you don’t have to be up to early but if you are up and want to come in you can. Just be there by that time.

About the 8th, that is when my dad passed February the 8th, I had not thought anything about the baby coming then. I had told JW that if he was like his brothers he would come between 37 and 38 weeks. But I had not looked to see what the date would be or anything. Me and JW had to go to Titusville for something and he was driving. I was looking something up on my phone or playing a game and hadn’t looked up in a while. I didn’t know where we were what street he had taken or anything. All of a sudden this weird feeling came over me and this voice in my head said he will be here the 8th. I said it out loud he is going to come on the 8th. JW said what? I said the baby I am going to have him on the 8th. As I was saying this I looked up and we were coming up on the Hospice house where my dad had to stay a few times right before he passed. I still didn’t know how far along I was going to be by then.

Back to what I was saying before, I left my appointment and knew that when I went to work I was going to tell them I was done and going on maternity leave the following week. That way I would be off little over 8 days before baby day. I don’t remember if I made it to work all week that week or not. I think I did but left early. Over the last few months since we moved into the new house and I started feeling me and JW hadn’t had hardly any time to our selves and sex was hardly happening. When I was having a good night and was up to it I would say something if he was then ok. That Thursday evening I was feeling okay and I needed that closeness. I thought nothing of it and fell a sleep. I woke up about 1:30/ 2:00 am I was itching. That was how it would be if we got to bed early I fell a sleep I would be up by 2 am itching and sick the rest of the night and I would walk be back to my walking. This night I was itching but then I realized I was having contractions. They weren’t bad but they were defiantly contractions. I started to call the doctor’s office and tell them because I was so early. But I was so was so done for it to be over with I decided to not say anything and just see what happened. I thought it could be just false labor but I didn’t really think it was. I thought about what the risk to the baby would be and I figured I would be 36 weeks just about it should be fine and he was big enough they would deliver at our local hospital where I was supposed to deliver with my doctor. I told JW when I was getting ready to leave for work. I was going in a little early that day. He wasn’t sure about it I told him I would be fine. I it was already around 8 they hadn’t changed since they started in the night.

I got to work and started finishing every thing I could get finished, got everything else together and ready for someone else to take over. I just worked on tying up all my lose ends so that things would run as smooth as possible why I was gone. They could call me if they really had too. I made list and typed up directions for things and sent emails out telling everyone I thought needed to know who they should contact until I got back. I went out to the shop and went over stuff with them let them know I was going to be taking off now and that they could call or text if they needed anything.

My boss finally go there around 10, I went and told him I was going on leave that day was going to be my last day. I told him I was tying everything up and going over everything with everyone. I asked if there was anything he needed or needed to know before I left and told him that once I got to him on my list and had everything together I would be back to go over everything he needed to know and handle why I was gone. I went got everything done and went back to talk to him in a little bit. Then I went to talk with a few others that I just wanted to see before I went on leave.

I was about lunch time and I cleaned up and was getting ready to go home. I didn’t want to start feeling bad and my contractions weren’t any worse but I wanted to get home or close to it before they started to get worse. I work about 15/20 minutes from home, I didn’t want to be that far away and not be able to drive myself home and my car get stuck at work if someone had to drive me. JW works 10 minutes past our house and the hospital is another 15 minutes or more from him. Plus I wanted to get home get my hospital bag packed and the babies stuff and JW’s stuff. I was just ready to go home I had been up since almost 2 in the morning.

I walked over to my bosses office and he had someone in there, I told him I was going home. He looked at the clock and said your last day and you are only working half a day? Not even half it isn’t even 1 yet. I said yep I am, he said why or something. He was just joking around. I said well I am going home to have a baby sometime today or tomorrow probably. He kind of laughed as I said it. I said well I have been having contractions since like 2am. He said then what are you doing here? I said I had stuff to take care of and they aren’t that bad. Probably not even doing anything yet at this point. He told me to get out of there and he hoped everything went well and to keep him updated on when the baby came or what was going on if I needed anything to let him know.

I went home and got stuff together for the hospital and done stuff that needed done at the house. I rested for a while because I started not feeling good. I went and picked him up from work. I went in and was hanging out talking to them all and then we went to the store to pick up some stuff I needed and needed for the house before I went to the hospital. I think he brought a big pan of food from work for dinner. We went to bed and I wanted to try and help things along because they the contractions weren’t getting stronger or anything. So we had a little more fun and went to sleep. Again I woke up about 1:30/ 2:00am. I felt something and all of a sudden I just knew and I was yelling at him to help me get up and out of bed. He did my water broke. I did not want it to break in bed and get everywhere. I got up and went to take a shower I just felt I had to have a shower. He called the doctor and told her that my water broke and it was brown kind of like blood maybe. She said to get straight to the hospital she was calling the hospital to let them know I was on my way. I got out of the shower and dried off. It just kept running down my leg it was making me so mad. I tried everything I could to keep it from running down my leg so I could get to the hospital nothing was working. I was just tired and so wore out from the last few months and I just wanted it to be over and now I couldn’t even get to the hospital without having a mess everywhere. The bathroom rug the towels and everything else was already a mess. I told my oldest to Please get gloves and pick it all up and put it in a bag and throw it away. I didn’t care I didn’t want to mess with it and she shouldn’t have to. Now all I could think is I was going to have this mess all through the house and all over my car and clothes. I finally got a towel and used it to get to the hospital to keep from getting stuff everywhere.

I ended up being there until 1 before I had him. I was so upset my doctor was not on call she was out. I had a different doctor after I went through everything to make sure I had her there when I had him. The on call doctor didn’t come in until I was ready to have the baby. I was telling them I was ready to push they were waiting for her.

She came in takes the bed apart like they do and trying to put my feet up in the stirrups like they do. It was messed up the way they were angled and they were really close and far apart. It was hurting just trying to get my foot in it. I was telling them they wouldn’t listen. I pushed then doctor was saying it be better you have to put your feet here. I refuse and I had to push again. The doctor said wait heads out stop pushing and about that time the rest of him came out. Everyone was in shock and the nurse snapped around looked at the clock and said 1:57. That was the time he was born.

They gave him to me then she had to stitch me up. I could tell when I was in labor something was different. My bones in my hips hurt. It was a pain I had not felt before. When I was having him and pushing it felt different too. That last push as all of him felt very different. He came out kind of sideways. never had that with any of my others. They said that is probably why I felt the pain I did as well. His head against my bones in there.

He was born

36 weeks to the day


To be continued……

et cetera
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