Single___Parent___Life











{May 17, 2020}   Emotional Breakdown

If you all seen my twitter post Thursday you know I bit the bullet and decided to go to the clinic on the way to work and see about getting on birth control. I hadn’t had a years exam in years so of course they had to do that before they gave me anything. I made the appointment an hour before work. I figured it shouldn’t take more and an hour and I was only a few miles a way from work. I should be no more than 30 minutes late. At the most maybe 45. Over 2 hours later I finally got to work over and hour late.

I got there right on time and it took the women forever to get me into the computer. Then she tells me it is going to be $100 to be seen. Had I known that I would of went to the other office for $25. I am trying to figure out if it is only $25 at the other and they both work from a sliding scale how is there a $75 difference between the two. I have been here before for things and never paid anything. I don’t mind paying but that is almost as much as going to a private doctor. Then I say something and she says she don’t have my kids on there as being in my house. I said well they are and I pay ever for them and get no help. She says I don’t know why it is showing that way and something else. I said how do we fix that? She like yeah let me see if I add them what happens. So then it takes forever for her to do that. But once she did it said I only paid $17 and some change for the day. Then I go sit and wait to be called.

A women comes out and takes me into the lab. I am thinking I am not getting lab work done why is she calling me back here? Then I think oh they always do a pregnancy test and I think it is done through the lab area last time I had one. She stops out side the door hands me the cup and tells me to do it then come into the lab. I do that and go in they check my weight ask when my last cycle and all that was. Then ask if I want HIV and some other blood work done. I say no right away. I am not up to being poked and fished around in. I am a horrible stick it was to early in the morning. They tell me it is included in the visit for the day. I tell them it didn’t matter I still didn’t want it. They ask if I am sure I tell her yes. They seem kind of surprised and said I don’t have to do it but it is offered. They kept telling me that I didn’t have to do it but it was available. Stressing that I could get it done.

I normally always do the HIV test, the rear times I get a yearly done and all the times I was pregnant and they offered it. I have never felt a reason to have it done or that I had done anything to need one done. But I don’t know why and I guess it is just the way my mind works and thinks. I always thought I know I don’t have anything and don’t need the test. But if they are doing blood and can do it all at once I should get it done. This way if anything was to ever happen and I was worried I may have gotten it or did get it, then I could always look back and say I didn’t have it at this point, this point or this point it had to of come from here or there. I always had the thought if I was in or at the hospital and they did something or a doctors office or helped someone some time and got exposed or was put at risk. Never that I would feel that I did something with someone I was worried about having it or catching it from. I know weird and crazy way of thinking. But I was not into it and not worried about it I turned it down.

They sent me back out to wait and a nurse finally came out and got me. As we are walking to the room she tells me they don’t have an open room for me she is going to take me to one room to start and will take me to another when they get it open. We go in the room and she ask me about 1000001 questions for what I think was an hour or close to it. Then leaves and says let me see if we have a room I will be right back. Come back in about 5 minutes and says come with me. We walk to what seemed like another building through the back halls and to another room. We go in and she asked more questions, went out came back and gave me my paper sheet thing to cover up with and put the chuck on the table. She says there is a male student doctor, intern or whatever she called him. We have to let you know and ask if it is okay for him to observe I thought she said. I am thinking really can this day get any better. This has taken forever I am past late for work now and, and now I have a student coming in to watch them poke and feel around down there. I said sure why now. She said something else. I said once you have had 4 kids everyone has watched and seen you why not let him. She about died laughing and said i was going to say they are trying to learn give him a chance. She went out I took off my clothes and sat there with my paper over/around me the best I could get for as small as it was. It seemed like forever before they finally came in.

The student and doctor came in. The student says hi I am so and so and I am going to be DOING your exam and testing today. I am going to start with your breast exam and then we will do the rest of it. I am thinking I thought he was going to be watching. I don’t know what is worse really him watching or doing it. I don’t know why it matters but I just did but didn’t at that point really. I don’t know I have had male doctors do them before.

When I was pregnant last I ended up in the ER with all my vitals dropping and passing out if I moved. A male doctor, nurse and tech all came in. One said here is a gown put it on. I was waiting for them to go out the next thing I knew I went to sit up and one was pushing me back in the bed telling me to lay back down. One was taking my clothes off, one was hooking me to machines and the other was sticking iv’s in my arm and doing more test.

That didn’t bother me but for whatever reason this kind of did. Not enough to tell him no he couldn’t do it. It was more of an annoyance thing I think. Because I already was. So we got started he checked my breast and then moved on to do the rest of the exam. Honestly as many times as I had them done I hardly felt him do anything. Most the time it is very uncomfortable and it hurts when they do the test and everything. I hardly knew he was doing anything or even touching me. When he was finished with the test and did the exam of the organs and things he told me what he was going to do and do it all and it didn’t even hurt. I didn’t have any spotting or anything after.

When they first came in they asked about birth control I told the doctor that came in with him I wanted the ring. She asked if I wanted it or if I had talked about it with the nurse or that she seen I had. I don’t know. She said they did not offer it she could give me a script for it. I said okay that was fine that is what the nurse said. Then she says do you know how much that cost? I said no that was going to be my next question. She said I think about $130 monthly. I wanted to cry. She said let me look it up why he does the exam and all that. I said okay. She looked it up and said that it was between $59 and $62 at a couple of the stores close there with a discount. And that was still monthly. I said okay that wasn’t an option. At this point I just wanted to bust out and cry. I was so upset and really annoyed at this point because had I known that I probably would of never went, I wouldn’t have missed work and be paying for a wasted visit. I don’t want the implants they keep pushing and talking about, I got pregnant on the pills with my oldest and even the nurse said the shot wasn’t a good option for me. I ended up with a low dose pill. I wasn’t happy but figured I should get something and try it and that was my only option. They gave me a 3 month supply. They said come back in two weeks for test results and call when I open my third pack of pills and tell them I need a supply appoinment. They said they give you three months to see how you are doing with them. They said some people love them some hate them or don’t do good on them. It takes a few months to really see how your body is going to respond to them. If you like them and want them they will give you the rest of the year supply for them at that appointment and your good until next year.

I was ready to have an emotional break down by the time I left and I was surprised at how I felt and how upset i was over it. They could tell I was in a much different mood when we were done than when I went in. Three or more of them asked me if I was okay if something was wrong and everything before I left there.

I was just upset because it is like I work my ass off, I do do and do and make sure everything is taken care of and everything else. I can’t even afford to take the birth control I am comfortable with taking, the form I feel is best for me. I already don’t take my depression and anxiety meds because I can’t pay to see the doctor every three months and the therapist every week like they make you see in order to get them plus the price of the meds and then the missed time at work on top of that. Now something as simple as birth control I can’t get either because it cost to much.

It was just that let down feeling that no matter how hard you try even simple little things don’t fall in place. I feel like I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing and this is how it turns out for me. I am supposed to trust these low dose pills when I got pregnant on the pill before. I am supposed to just get these implants that really aren’t that great for you and cause a lot of problems for a lot of people. I have a hard enough time on the pills with my moods and hormones I don’t want an implant. I seen so many say they pulled them out their self because of how bad they felt and the doctors tell them just wait it out for months some like 6 to let your body adjust or take forever to get them back in to get it out. Them moving and causing problems just to much. I have done a lot of research and felt really comfortable with using the ring. I am one who don’t like to take or use a lot of meds and things you all know if you read my blog. I am not a fan of birth control because so many have such nasty side effects. I asked about the patch I used it before. I was okay with it but didn’t like the fact it came off sometimes and there was always a spot from where you wore it for the month or week whatever it was. But I would rather that than the pills or anything else if I could not get the ring. They didn’t have it either I think she said and it cost a lot too. I liked the ring because it was the same idea as the patch pretty much just inserted vs. wearing it. I figured I would probably do alright with it as well.

By the time I left there I was ready to just break down and cry. I felt like I just needed one of those cries where you have held it all in for so long and you can’t anymore. But of course I had to. I had to suck it up, hold it in and go to work. I even thought about calling out of work. I thought about calling telling them I had issues at my appointment and wasn’t coming in. I thought about going to see JW before going to work. It is almost 20 miles the other direction but I just wanted to go to him and be with him for a few minutes. I just wanted him to hug me. I just wanted to feel his arms around me, pulling me into him and holding me. I wanted to feel safe and like everything was going to be okay. That I wasn’t in this alone. I just wanted him to make it better. I knew there wasn’t anything he could do but I felt just being there him holding me everything would be okay. But I figured they would be busy and he wouldn’t be able to come out or would only be able to for a second and that I would just be more upset and probably wouldn’t go to work at that point. I wanted to just get his keys as well and go to his house and go to bed for the day. I felt so bad and didn’t want to be around anyone else but him and I knew he couldn’t leave work. I figured I would just go get in his bed, cry and sleep for the day. But I did the responsible thing and went to work. I held it together and made it through my day. Like I always do, no time for a melt down or pity party or a break down for me. Have to get up and keep going and stuff it all down. When it starts to boil over you stuff harder and plaster that fact smile on bigger.



{May 9, 2020}   A New Position

I started this post weeks ago and never finished or posted it. I have worked on it a few times and up to all most 3000 words. Now that I have time to sit down on my lap top and really work on it I am going to start over and shrink it down some or at least clean it up a lot. Because a lot of it was written on the fly and when I was tired.

Right before or right when everything started to turn toward shutting down I was over at JW’s house after work on March 17th. I was kind of worried we may shut down because I had called around to the Salons and things that day and they all said they were closing or cutting hours or wasn’t sure what was going to happen because of this Covid19 mess. They would get back with us once everything settled down. I figured we would be open the next few weeks until after the first of March to see what was going to happen but wasn’t sure if things didn’t pick up by then or if they ordered a shut down what we would do.

I told JW I needed to talk to him about something he said okay. That night after I got there we were laying on the bed talking. He wanted to know what I needed to talk to him about. I told him that I didn’t know what was going to happen with all this going on. But that if I lost my job or jobs or got shut down and could not work and it caused me to lose my house I was not starting over here. I told him if I lost my job I didn’t know if I would be able to keep going with just the one or be able to find something that would work around what I was doing or what. But that if it came down to me losing my house because of it I was leaving. I would not stay here and start over for any reason. I told him I didn’t plan this and that I had decided to stay here and give us a chance since we got together. But that that would be three times in 8 years that me and my kids had ended up homeless and that I wasn’t starting over here again to end up that way again in a few years or so again.

I didn’t know what I expected him to say but wasn’t ready for what he said for sure. He said I’ll go with you. Where ever you want to go or you go. I want to go with you.

I asked him what he said because I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. Like I said I didn’t know what to expect and don’t really know what I wanted him to say. I just wanted him to know before something happen so it wasn’t out of no where and unexpected if it happen. I even told him I figured we would be fine that wasn’t going to happen we would hold out the next few weeks and surely things would go back to normal. We might have a ruff patch but come out okay. I was an odd feeling when he said he was going to go with me. I don’t know how to explain it. I was happy but confused I don’t know why I felt the way I did but I did.

He said he understood and did not blame me at all if that happen and I moved. He said he didn’t want to lose me either. That he loved me and knew I needed to do what was best for the kids. He knew how high things are around here and how hard it is to just stay a float and how hard it would be for us to ever find anything around here if I did lose my place because of how much things have went up over the last 6 years since I got into the house I am in.

In a minute my phone went off, we both thought it was probably the kids wanting to know when I was going to be off and headed home or wanting me to pick something up on my way home. It was after 10 they know I get off between 10 and midnight. I looked and I guess the look on my face when I read it said a lot, because he said what? What is wrong? what happen?

I didn’t know what to say and couldn’t even say anything. I just turned the phone toward him so he could see it better and let him read it. He said oh no, I am so sorry honey. I said I had no idea I thought at least a few more weeks and really never expected this.

It was my one boss saying with no one needing us right now they were going to have to cut back for now. They were going to file for help and see how things went. That the best thing I could do right now was stay home take care of the kids and keep everyone safe. They would let me know as soon as things straightened out.

That was Tuesday night. Wednesday I went to my night job because we were still working there at that point. Shortly after I got there the owner came out sat down and talked to me. He was asking because he heard my kids were sick and things. I assured him everything was fine, they all had been to the doctor and tested positive for the flu and that they were not worried about it being anything else. That it had been a few weeks and everyone was over it. He said okay.

He went back in his office and then called me in there to talk to me. I was thinking great now he is going to tell me they are cutting back, shutting down or that he don’t need me for now they are worried about what the kids had or what. I got up and went in there.

I walked in and sat down. He started telling me that every year he gives a bounce that it wasn’t really based on anything other than how long you had been with the company. He said it is $200 a year for every year you are there. He said you have been here for a while now and close enough to a year you can get yours and for the full $200 for the first year.

I thanked him and told him I had hit my year that day actually. He said really and looked at the computer. He said how about that it is today. We talked some more.

I had found out he had two positions open slightly before this. But that is when I blew my car up. So I hadn’t talk to him about it because I wanted to make sure that I had a way to work and that I was going to be able to keep working down there. Some how that all came up. I think maybe I asked him and he said he had filled them.

He said he didn’t know I would be interested in more hours or what because he knew I had another job. I said yes but that I had been waiting to talk to him because of the issue with my car but that I had a vehicle now that I was not worried about that anymore.

He said if there is a position or something that you want or need come talk to me. He said I am sure that we can work something out. He said I wish I hadn’t just hired those two new people. He said we could of worked it out. I told him the news I got from my day job the night before that if he had hours to fill in the meantime I would do them. That I could be there days or nights or both. He said oh your not working your day job right now? He said the one new girl isn’t starting for a few weeks because of this covid mess. He said if you want to come in and help out in the office they could sure use it. They have been short three people for a while now. I said that would be great. He said come in two to ten. That way they have extra help and you can still do your night hours too. I told him that would be fine.

I did that for a few days and then the accounts guy told me he wanted me to come in earlier. I told him that I had my night stuff to do as well but that Thursday I could come early because they wouldn’t need me and that we leave early that day any way. He said okay.

I thought he talked to the owner or what about it. He didn’t. I went in and was there before him. The owner came by and asked why I was there so early and said something about my night hours and things. I told him I thought him and the accountant had talked about it and okay-ed it. He said no he knew nothing about it. I said they needed me early for training or something. At night on Thursday’s are slow I talked to M the guy I work with at night he agreed I really wouldn’t be missed or needed it would be okay. That the accountant was supposed to get the okay from him. I would of talked to him had I known he didn’t.

Later the accountant go there the owner had words with him. He said he wants you here two to ten. He was mad blah blah. I said that is fine. He said we really want and need you here earlier. I said yeah I know. I said but I can work on things at night from over here like I did before. Because I had helped over there in the evenings with credit cards and things.

Later the guy M I work with at night came in and he sits right against the owners office door. Everyone else had left I was working on somethings. I had walked over to the dispatch room for something and they were talking. My name came up and I heard it. I walked over into the owners office and stood there with them why they were talking. He was talking to M about me working the day hours and not being there that night and how he didn’t know but I had said we talked about it and things. M said yeah really we are not busy because we don’t have trucks rolling out and it has been slow here at night she has been leaving early already. It isn’t more than one person can handle right now. He said honestly if they need her and she wants to do more hours in the day or all of them it wouldn’t be an issue because I have it here at night.

See the owner had already told M a few days or week before that it was slow no point in me sitting around there doing nothing to tell me I could go home early if I wanted to. I had been. I was working enough hours to know I could pay everything that needed to be paid and give me spending money and that was it. Not that I didn’t need the money, but at the same time I knew what was going on and felt it was the right thing to do. Plus it gave me time to spend with JW and see how things were going to go there.

So the owner said okay then that was fine if I wanted to start coming in during the day whatever hours me and the others agreed upon would be find. He said we would get together and talk in two weeks and see where we all stood. As for the shut down, the new girl starting, if they still needed extra help once she did and if M needed me back at night or not.

So that is where we left things back in March.



{March 30, 2020}   Here and Healthy

I haven’t been on in awhile, with all that is going on with this virus and everything closing things have been crazy. 3 out of 4 kids ended up with the flu. Not sure how me and Mr.9 did not get it (knock on wood) but I am happy we haven’t. Everyone who had it is over it now and going stir crazy.

We are under some kind of stay home order, I don’t really know the details. I have to go to work and am the only one who drives and able to get us stuff so life is pretty much normal for me. We haven’t been going out on the weekends. Everything is closed as for entertainment. People are still going fishing, to the beach, boating and other outdoor things.

I go to work shop once a week and go see my boyfriend after work and before I go if I have time. We get lunch or dinner and go to the little store. Everything to eat is take out nothing is open to eat in. We get it take it to work or back to his place.

The kids are getting set up to start school on line come Monday. That should be loads of fun with a 1st grader. I think Mr. 9 should be okay. They have packets they could pick up and do but I already did this. If it don’t work i am just going to tell them we need to change things. They say schools are going to go back the 15th of next month. I don’t believe it. I think if they were they would of just sent some packets home not set this whole online thing up. Not for what 15 days or less. Why go through all that trouble for a few days? I don’t know depending how things work out they may just start homeschooling with the older two. Little Bitty can’t wait to start hers online tomorrow. She wants to keep doing hers at home. I just may if my job works out.



{March 17, 2020}   Coronavirus Scare

Sadly true right now, I am so over this virus crap. I just want to scream, in a matter of days both jobs have slowed way down and I was even told at one I can start taking off early if I wanted to. Just when I was going to start staying later and getting more of my hours because of the beating my bank account has taken the last 17 days. I had been leaving early already the last month or so with everything going on and just feeling wore out. But right now I need my hours and don’t know how that is going to go over since they don’t want me getting them. I do have work to be done so hopefully that saves me. I plan to get my 6 or so the next two nights and got about 4 of my 5 last night because I clocked in early. But as long as I can show I am working not just sitting around like normally do they should not complain. I have an email from the other department that I work with with in the company saying that he needs this stuff done right away and waiting on it for a report that he has to do so I think that will all work out.

But then my other job the bus has went down and when I called to move people around to different days a lot said they would have to get back with me because their shops are going to reduced hours and workers for a while or closing. We can’t afford that. It has been slow in the shop the last week or so and we make a good chunk from the road. Without that and people not coming in I am worried they are going to decide to shut down as well. Pops hasn’t been in this week at all and his one son told me to tell him to spray everything down he don’t need to be getting sick. I figure it is best if he just stays home and waits it out seeing as my kids have been sick as well. I don’t have it but could be carrying it still. I have been doing everything I can to keep from spreading it.

When it comes down to it I feel that it is just the government way of putting fear in people. I probably said this on my last post about Little Bitty being sick but it is just really starting to get to me the way everyone is freaking out and acting like we have never had a sickness go around before or that we have never had something new come out. It is so scary and we all need to shut down everything. Honestly I feel that 99% of it is media playing into peoples fear and to boost their viewing.

Everyone is freaking out saying look at the numbers look at the numbers they don’t lie or they are worse. But if you really look at them read them and break them down to me they are not as bad as they seem. Yes they are bad any death is bad but we also have to keep a open mind and understanding about all this and that everyone is going to die and we have no idea how that is going to be for anyone. Some it is cancer others it is the flu, while others lay down go to sleep and just don’t wake up while someone else is in a car accident. Yes people have compromised immune systems and other health problems that also contribute to the fact and a lot of the people who are sick or have passed seem to be ones who are at higher risk. People who are it don’t matter what it is they catch they are at more risk than anyone else to end up with complications or dying from it. But when the media just starts throwing out numbers and deaths and area people don’t break it all down they don’t look at years before and see how they match up. The ones who do also do not break them down and consider all the factors that go into those numbers just as they are not with the new ones so they still end up in a panic.

Looking at numbers on this new virus that they are all panicked about I was just looking at numbers Globally it says more than 185,000 have it or have gotten it while it has killed more than 7,500. But 80,000 people have recovered from it. If we look at this realistically out of almost 88,000 people we lost just over or over 7,500 and still have almost 98,000 still fighting it I assume it didn’t say but that would be logical thinking if they have not died and not recovered. Following the same thought pattern if things stay as they are right now 90,000 or more will recover we will lose another 7,000 give or take. over all that is around 170,000 people out of 185,000 so far who has or should recover globally. Lets take this a step further has anyone looked at global population while panicking about all this? Because I have not heard or seen it talked about in the bit I have scared or read looking for these numbers. I went to find it and what I am seeing is that global population is 7.8 billion. If you step back and look at the big huge picture here, 100,000 or even 200,000 compared to 7.8 billion is a tiny little part of that. if it was money a person would not even notice it gone and in all reality even talking population it is not enough to make a noticeable impact. The only reason it is noticed and even known is because of the media throwing out numbers and big scary words like sickness, virus, and death. I read a few places there are around 8 deaths per every 1000 people every day. That is caused by any and every number of things that could kill you or you could die from. It isn’t broke down. Do you know how many people that is every day compared to the 7.8 billion people in the world?

Yes I understand that so many of these deaths from this sickness happen in one place or groups close together or whatever/how ever you want to say it. But again lets break it down and look at the situation surrounding who was sick, why they were sick, why they died. Again how many of them had traveled or been with people who had in high risk areas. How many already had underlying health issues? How many of them knew each other or are friends and family, co works of the ones who first had it or brought it around?

No we didn’t know about it before so we didn’t know to protect or self from it but then again what are they telling us to do to protect ourselves from it? Simple things like wash our hands, clean your area, cover your mouth and nose if you cough or sneeze, don’t touch your face. DON”T GO OUT IF YOU ARE SICK. Hum where have I heard all this before? Maybe because it is common since things we should all be doing already regardless if we think there is some kind of sickness out there that might kill us or not. But it seems people forget to do these things until something like this happens and then they freak out. The whole staying home if you are sick yes I know that you are contagious before you ever know your sick and by the time you know your sick your not contagious or just about out of the contagious phase. But there is nothing we can do about that, that is no one’s fault. We can not prevent spreading something we do not know we even have at the time. This is where your common since, wash your hands, keep things clean comes into play. It is up to us to keep ourselves from getting sick and even though it is not 100% fool proof or possible it helps. But at the same time we can’t go over board and scrub everything everyday and use a bottle of hand sanitize and try to live in a sereal environment either. Because you are not giving your body the change to build up your immune system so that it can fight off the bigger things that come along. Kids aren’t playing outside as much locked in schools all day with the a/c going then go home lock themselves in their house in the a/. They aren’t out playing in the dirt, getting fresh air being exposed to things.

I was just talking to the guy who comes and details our cars he brought up this virus and shutting everything down and how crazy it all is. He said the same thing it is all scare tactics and comes around to money.

I truly feel that if the media didn’t report so much and was banned from reporting on it for awhile that the scare would go down, all this lock down, buying everything in sight would stop. People would go back to living their lives as normal and we wouldn’t all die or go extinct from covid-19. Like they seem to be trying to make everyone think.



{February 20, 2020}   Robbed The Elementary School

A month or so ago I borrowed a little bit of money from the driver at my night job that I am friends with and talk to all the time. I told him I would have it back to him on the 12th of this month. Well he was out on the road that day. I told him I had it and he said he would be in the next day to give it to him then. I ended up not going to work the next day and he was still out as well. I messaged him and asked if he was going to be up in my area any that night or not and that was when he told me they had not made it back in. He said they would be in around 8:30 or 9 to the yard. I told him I wasn’t going to work but to let me know I could meet him. I just have to drive down there. He said they would be at the truck stop by me around 8 or so. I could meet him there. I told him that would be fine to give me a head up when he was headed that way not to wait until he was 5 minutes out and expect me to rush over there. He called said they were about 20 minutes out. I went over and met him. Jw was with me because I was at his house since I hadn’t went to work. So he met him when he came to the car to get the money.

Night before last I was at my night job and him and his partner came in to start their run for the week. He was having trouble with the computer in the truck and things it was telling him he didn’t have anymore drive time for another 10 hours or more. But he hadn’t been on the clock since Thursday. He was calling back and forth trying to get it fixed and things. He kept calling me I told him I can’t do anything they have to fix all that from their truck now I can’t adjust any logs like we use to. Before I could fix them and they couldn’t but they changed it a month or two ago and now they can but I can’t. He was asking me things and telling me stuff. He got pissed off because he wanted to know who used his truck and why they were using his number and what was going to be done about it and why wasn’t I looking it up and trying to get to the bottom of it.

I finally said look your right if they are using your information that is a problem because things like this happen and now you need to drive out and have no drive time. But there is nothing I can do about that right now. All we can do is fix the problem at hand that you have no drive time things need to be changed so that you have your drive time back. We will fix that right now because that is the biggest pressing issue right now. Then tomorrow or in a few days or when the other dispatcher gets back I will get with him and see if we can find out who was driving your truck with your information and why and take care of that and put a stop to it. But right now bitching about it and going back and forth is dong nothing but wasting your time and mine and getting nothing taken care of. All we can do is fix what we can take care of what we can get you on the road because you need to be gone or gone very soon.

Okay but this and that. I said no this or that, I truly can not do anything more than what I just told you and that is pretty much nothing but look up and see where you guys are all at at any given time. Because I have not been shown how to do all that you are asking me to do just as I told you a few minutes ago. So go fix what you need to fix and do what you need to do to get yourself on the road and I will get someone to look into this further. I have no other answer to give you no matter how many times you ask or how many ways you ask I still have the same answer. Well something about my answer. I said well if you don’t like my answer and don’t like getting the same one over and over again then stop calling and asking me the same thing or going in circles on the phone and asking the something. I have told you what I can do for you but I can’t do anything if you are going to refuse to get off the phone and do what you need to do to get out of this yard. He got mad and hung up. Fine just how they are some of them you can’t get off the phone until you piss them off and they hang up because they think you really can do what they are asking or just trying to make shit harder or what on them. Sometimes the other guys in there with me can do shit and just won’t . But they haven’t figured out yet that what ever I tell them I tell them because that is just how it is and I can’t tell them anything more or do anything more for them. They think I am just shitting them around or not wanting to do my job like the rest.

In a little bit here he come walking in the back door. He come in there where we were all at and was talking to everyone. He was like I’m sorry but this is bullshit and I don’t see why you can’t do this or that and they look it up and tell me where I been my whole trip every stop I make and everything else but you can’t tell me where my truck was for 30 minutes on such and such date and who was in it. By this time I had gotten with one of the others there and had them tell me how to go in and look things up and see part of what was going on, that was what we were doing when he waked in. I said come here and look at this, you see that, that is your truck, this is Friday and your truck never moved a inch in this yard all day that day. Your telling me it did all this and there is no log and even for Saturday there is logs of it moving but that is less than 0.1 miles that is around the yard moving it out of the way or they were using it to move trailers around. I said all this you are telling me is not on there. So that is another problem in of itself that I now have to figure out how to take care of. So we still can’t fix anything more than what you can do in the truck until I do. But I am trying to figure it out and I am doing what I said. I just figured out how to do this and had someone show me when you got off the phone finally. This going around on the phone gets you no where.

Then he was all I’m sorry I’m not mad at you I am mad at the company blah blah and everything. I told you that on the phone it isn’t you I’m just mad about everything. I said well you need to figure out who to bitch at because if I tell you something I am telling you for a reason and you know if I don’t know or can’t find the answer I will tell you that not just tell you what you want to hear or some bullshit that is going to be a problem down the road because it wasn’t right. I know i know he say.

Well the other guys that were in there with us walked out back for something and it was just me and him in there then. He asked how the boyfriend was or something. I said good I had just seen him before I got there or something. He said was that him with you the other night? I said yes. He said dang he is young isn’t he? I said no he is older than me. He said he sure don’t look like it, he looks like you went down to the elementary school and was like here little boy want a cookie. I said your an ass your not right. He said he does he looks really young. i said nope he is 2 years older than me he has grown kids.

He said something about not really knowing each other and things. I said we have known each other for at least 35 years or so. He said what? I said yes we grew up together. He said then why would you do this and risk messing up such a long friendship? Something about a booty call. I said no no it is nothing like that at all. I said I would not have done something like that just a booty call. I said we have been talking for a bit before we even decided to try anything more and talked about it a lot before because we have been friends for so long. He said why him out of everyone you talk to or have talked to then?

I said I don’t know, I said you know they say it is the ones that you least expect or never would of thought of. I said it is like that. I said because we did grow up together staying at each others houses when we were little, ball games, birthday parties and outing. He was just always there and then he moved away in our teens to live with his dad. When he came back he had kids and things and we all hung out together now and then with friends but the same it was just like old times the last several years. The thought still never crossed my mind. I was with someone he was with someone we were just there. I said but then we started talking this last time because we hadn’t talked in a year or so, (one of those don’t talk all the time but pick up like nothing when we do kind of friends) hanging out as friends catching up and things just kind of happen and went that way. I hope that it last because I don’t want to mess up a friendship but I also do have feelings for him and I am happy with the way things are with/or between us.

He said that was cool he was happy for me, he knows how hard I work and do all I can for the kids. He is happy I found someone that makes me happy and that he hopes it works out. That he was sorry again for getting so bitchy on the phone it wasn’t me he was mad at and things. And that it still looks like I robbed the cradle.

I told Jw when I got to his house that night what he said about robbing the cradle he thought that was funny. Last night he shaved and was saying he missed a spot of didn’t like something he was going to have to do it again or touch it up. He said he could just shave it all off and something about how he would look or how he looks so much younger when he does. I said oh nice really make me look like I went to the school to find a man. He just laughed. I said and in turn what you all are saying is I look old. He was like no, no, I didn’t say that, that isn’t what I meant or how I meant it. You don’t look old. I laughed so hard at him. I said yeah I know I was just giving you a hard time. He was like that isn’t funny I wouldn’t call you old or say you look old. I said oh so you just think it then? He like I’m going to shut up because you are just twisting what I am saying all around. That is not what I am saying at all. I tell him he is just to easy to mess with. I said you know because kids are just so easy to get over on and mess with.



{February 17, 2020}   Re:Maybe Found A Place

I went and looked at that place and it was a mess. There was a puddle of water in the floor by the sliding door, half the place needed some kind of floor put in. The walls at the floor were a mess coming apart and things all through it. There was water damage on the roof all through it. The stove and fridge looked like they came from the trash.

The other the lady is still in but he gave me the address and said I could drive by. It did not look like it was in any better shape than what I just seen.

The office said they didn’t have anything that wasn’t thousands down and thousands more over the next so many years. They want $30,000+ for these old 20 + year old places that have been redone. You can get a brand new one set up on your lot for around $49,000 i seen the other day.

I would go do that had I not tanked my credit score with my student loans a few months ago. It was up high enough I could of probably done it with little to no issues.

Back to looking for now. Jw’s friend told him about one but its in a really bad area of town. Like I told him I have to leave my kids here at night and things. Even with camera’s i don’t feel it is safe. So i can see someone coming in my house or messing around it but I am 25 miles a way. Cops here take as long to get there as it would me to get there so that is useless.



{February 14, 2020}   Maybe Found a Place

I went and talked to a guy about some trailers this morning. He said he has a 3 bed single wide opening up and maybe a 4 double soon. He said it would be between $600 and $700 a month. With lot and trailer rent. He said that I wouldn’t have to give him money to move in just pay what the park wants. That is about $1200. He told me I had to show about $1800 to move in. I was like that is no problem at all. I can show that and then some. I work two jobs and get this and that. I told him the $1200 wouldn’t be a problem at all either. he seem to think that showing that much income and putting that much down upfront was a big deal. I said I pay $875 a month and my rent is going up in a month. Then I have to pay all my other bills. I said now I could pay almost everything for that if I got one of these and only work one job.

I called the guy at the park this evening and talked to him. I know him well father of the year and Rc worked for him. He knows all that happen how they both walked away. He likes me as a person in genereal i guess you would say. It isn’t like we are buddy buddy talk all the time or anything. He just knows what i been through with them and knows im busting my ass to take care of the kids. That i work im not a druggie or cause problems drama. That I will pay. So i know he will approve me if i find something. I can pass all the checks they do anyway.

I just hope they are decent places and I can get one of them. He says the smaller one is nicer out of the two he thought. But he had not been in the smaller one in a while. At this point if it isn’t 50 years old and decent shape i am going to take one of them. I am going to ask him what the park has but i do not think they have anything in the price range i am looking for.

I went over there today but they were not open. He said they open at 930 to come at 10. I told him I had to be at work at 10 but my guys would be in town so as soon as I got someone in to cover me I would come up. He said that was fine.

The only problem is they do not take dogs over 25lbs. Both ours are about 2x that. I am going to have to sneak them in and put up fence.



{February 11, 2020}   No Luck Finding A Place

I have about 5 weeks to move and need to give my 30 day note next week so they know I am leaving. The only problem is I can not find a place to move to that isn’t hundreds out of my budget.

I need a 3+ bedroom place that takes pets that is no more than $1000 a month. Our 1 bedrooms are starting at $800+ a month. The only thing I have found is down by my night job and I really do not want to live in that area at all. I hate the traffic and the drive in the morning is going to be horrible to get to my day job. I do not know what to do. Plus JW job is over by where we live now he would have to get there and back.

He keeps showing me others at higher prices I keep telling him I can’t. He says but I’m going to be there to help. I finally told him the other day, nothing against him but when I do this I have to know that I can cover rent and all my bills 100% on my own. Yes he will at some point be there to help. But what about until then? What about if something happens and he can’t or don’t come? What if one of us loses a job or something? What if something happen to one of us the other is stuck paying it on their own. If it was me he would be okay he could move. It was him I’m stuck, I can’t move and down size.

Like I told him too, i would like to get to working one job. I would like for him to get to doing a normal 40 hour week. Not working 6 days a week. I would like for us to still be able to save and do things aas well not just get by or maintain. He said yes he understood, I was right, he just wanted to see me and the kids get moved and be somewhere decent and not stuck where we are. That he would help as much as he could even before he moved in and things. But we shouldn’t put us out for more than we really need too.

I have 3 places to call about tomorrow I hope one of them comes through.



{February 6, 2020}   A Beach Night

 



{January 31, 2020}   Can’t Stay On A Budget

I sat down last year and put a budget together for about 8 months or more. I stuck with it pretty well for a few months and was doing really well. Until November rolled around and everything went to shit and I got behind again instead of getting ahead and everything happen.

I was going to start again this month and well that didn’t happen. I just sat down and put one together again and everything is going to be so tight I have nothing left at the end of the week and don’t even cover everything. It will be the third or forth week of next month before I start to have money. It was oldest 16th birthday yesterday and I thought I would have money to do something with her next weekend and I don’t even know if I am going to have it for another few weeks or more now. It sucks she always seems to have to wait.

I am just under $1000 behind plus my normal monthly bills I have only been working about 17 to 20 hours a week the last month at my night job and missed hours at both jobs with my mouth. Between my mouth and just feeling very burnt out and over whelmed I have been leaving my night job at 9/930 if there is no work. I am so very tired of working two jobs and now know I have a year or two more of doing two jobs before I am going to see an end in sight. It is just depressing. Add in the time of year it is and my mood and mood swings and things I am just done. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to go to work but I do because I don’t want to be at home and I need the money of course. I just need to get out of this funk.

He keeps saying we need to get me moved and work out him moving in so I can quite one of my jobs. Bff keeps saying just tell the kids and let him move in. But that isn’t what I’m looking for or wanting to do. I don’t want to rush into living together. I want to know we are good and well into this and sure this is what we both really want and that the kids are good with him and want him to stay with us before we do that. I do not see even thinking about him living with is before August at the earliest. Really I would rather wait until October or later. I know he is on month to month and they are trying to sell the place. If that happens then I may consider it sooner depending how soon. I would have to be moved, the kids would have to know and had time to get use to him and be okay with it. If it is right away he is going to have to find somewhere to go for a bit. I don’t want him moving in anytime soon. I may not even by October but I would be willing to consider it then.

I just need to get over this all and get it taken care of. I can I have just been avoiding it. Because I just don’t feel like it, I am tired of dealing with it all doing it all. Not having time to myself without having to worry about kids has been really getting to me as well i just don’t want to do anything when i get that way. I cant ever do for myself why do any of it? I know i have to that is where the avoid it comes in. I do no more that what i have to in order to get by keep going. Whatever i don’t have to mess with think about or do I don’t. Then once it hits a point i have to deal with it i do.

 



et cetera
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