We have been to most of our therapy appointments that are together, I honestly don’t know if it is doing any good or not. I try to talk to him about it after and he has nothing to say really. If he does it seems he missed the whole point and is in left field somewhere. But the conversation is never more than he answers one or two questions and it’s done. No real conversation.

When we went in she of course took him back and talked to him first and then brought me in. I have been seeing her so she didn’t really need to talk to me alone. She already knew where I was and I was having issues with.

She did ask us about it when we were together. He didn’t say anything so I did. I said how I ask and ask for thing’s to be done it literally takes months to a year. How I try to talk to him when there is something wrong or have a conversation about things to do with the house, moving or anything really I get nothing. Just yeah ok or what. How when things are wrong like when the car broke and we needed a new one and needed money. All I got was I don’t know, I have no money where am I supposed to get it from. How I was told he could just take a bus and like oh well with us. I said he talks about how his ex’s were and things use to be but then I try to include him or try to tell him what is wrong and get ignored. I said I feel like I am being punished for what everyone else done it isn’t right.

I said I am at a point of I care I love him and want us together but not at the experience of my happiness. How long am I supposed to put up with basically being ignored and in reality how I feel, what I want or think or need isn’t cared about?

She looked at him ask him how he felt about all that. What I was saying? He said he needed to work on things. She asked him how he felt about the relationship and basically what he felt was issues or he would like to see Change? He said nothing really it isn’t her it’s all me. I have asked him the same thing many times he says same he is fine with the way things are. But then to me that is a problem because he See’s no need to change. I don’t know.

She has talked about him needing to talk to someone himself and work on something. He doesn’t say much. Just it would probably be a good idea but hasn’t ask how or anything. I feel we need some more time together as well. We just need to work out money to do it.

We have a session today and then one more in a few weeks because she will be out the next two. I am going to bring up a lot today and get the ball rolling on getting us in for more time and or getting him in for some time by his self if he will. But I don’t know if he is going to or not. If he doesn’t I don’t know what that will mean for us. Because there still no communication between us. I think we do need more together. Even if I have to find somewhere different that is cheaper or works better for us.

So here we were in the middle of January almost the end and JW had done nothing about the divorce. I brought it up a few days before his vasectomy going to do it going to do it he says. I asked him if he was sure if he still wanted to do it the way things were? He said yes. Few days later he did it.

4 or 5 days later I asked him about it again. He said he was going to get to it. I asked him when because it was already the end of the month only a week or so left. He said something about what did that have to do with anything? I said because that was the agreement we made over a month ago. He had more than enough time to have started it. He hadn’t even tried to find out what paperwork he needed. Much less sent them to her and got them back so he could file it.

He had talked to her and she had no problem singing it and doing it. She said if he paid for it she would drop the child support as well.

He just said he would get on it and take care of it. I said what about the fact that it isn’t going to be filed before the end of the month? He started about why that matter and it was getting done it wasn’t a big deal.

I told him yes it was an extremely big deal it was more than just the divorce. The big deal was he doesn’t do anything when he is supposed to. It takes day, months or a year. He said things were going to change it wasn’t going to be that way anymore. He was going to prove it he would have this taken care of by then. Here we are time up and he still hadn’t done anything. So it hasn’t changed he just said what he felt I wanted to hear to end the fight.

I said something about just being done with all this. What’s that mean? You want to break up? I said I think so because nothing has changed and nothing is going to. That’s how you feeling and what you want and right after I did this, (the vasectomy), he says? I said don’t go there I asked you the other day right before you did this if you were sure you wanted to with things the way they are. You said yes and went and done it.

I finally just said will you go to therapy with me? He said I told you I would. I said no you told me yeah maybe you would think about it. Then never said anything else again after that. He said I will go.

I said ok because we are going to go and work on this and things are going to change. if not or they don’t once we do then we are not going to be together. Okay I understand and want to be with you I love you I really did this for you and want us to be together. I said okay then I will find out what I need to do.

That was like Wednesday or Thursday. Friday I came home from my appointment and said be ready at 3:30 next week I will pick you up on my way she is going to see us both for a bit. He looked surprised but said okay. I was waiting on him to say something about how fast it was or what. I was just going to say yes it was because when I say I am going to do something or take care of something I do. Not wait days, weeks, months or a year later. But he didn’t.

This week will be 5 out of 6 session. That is another post.

The divorce papers finally got emailed off last night. Now we just have to wait for her to print them, signed and notarized. Then they have to be snail mailed back because he has to file the original copies.

I also started therapy in October as well for a few different reasons. I had been off my medication since before I got pregnant. I was starting to really struggle all the way around. I was to the point of quitting my job and things were already bad between me and JW before Halloween night even happened. I wasn’t bonding with the baby and distant and short with the other kids. I wasn’t sleeping and then falling asleep at my desk or fighting not to on the drive home. I was starting to really resent everyone being around and not wanting anyone around.

The other kids I didn’t want to take them out of the house or them to ride with me if I walked out of the house. Them just playing being kids would drive me up the wall. I just wanted them to go outside or their rooms.

The baby hates to ride and would lose his mind every time we got in the car. And scream the whole time. Not only that he would have a shit blow out before we could get to where we were going every time he was put in the car. It didn’t matter if we were going around the block or 50 miles he would have a mess all over him his seat everywhere. The screaming I could not handle. I just wanted to pull over and sit him out. It was such an ordeal to just get everyone dropped off and clean him up. I didn’t want nothing to do with him at home. If he needed something once he got home I was done. He wasn’t sleeping at night most nights. He would take him in the living room and watch tv play on his phone until he fell a sleep. I wasn’t happy about that because it was getting him in a bad habit. I try to tell him that he wouldn’t listen. This all going on me and him were getting no time alone at night. We have no time any other time of day.

I couldn’t stay up with him or them because I am now up between 5 and 5:20am and at work by 6 am. We weren’t getting to bed until 11 pm or after and I was still making sure I had time to spend with him and we weren’t getting it. That takes a toll on a relationship when you already have little time together and having problems.

I was questioning things between me and JW as well. I was trying to decide if it was me dealing with things from the past or is this really as big of a deal it seems? Dealing with it as well.

It bothered me about the baby and not feeling like we had a bond. Just the way I felt all around. I would sleep all day one day on the weekend sometime both and still feel like I hadn’t slept. I was moody and irritated. I knew I wanted to get back on my medication but I also felt I should talk to someone too. So I called they were able to get me in a spot fairly quickly. The only bad thing is it is at 3pm on Friday. That is when I get off work. I just told them I have a standing appointment on Fridays I had to start leaving at 2. It wasn’t a big deal I am anywhere from an hour to 15 minutes early most every day. So I still get that hour or more in most weeks. And it makes up for my two hours I am supposed to work Saturdays.

In therapy they diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, postpartum depression and PTSD. I already knew I had the anxiety and depressing. I figured postpartum was becoming an issue as well. Since I got with JW the ptsd was becoming more apparent. Mostly when we are interment or try to be. I had an issue a few times before we moved in together. When we moved in together of course we were closer more often so it became a problem. He was really good about it but it really bothered me. It did him a little at first but after we talked he understood. I told him I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me but it just brought things up from the past. That it was like flashbacks and I go straight to fight and flight. If I try to get through it not say anything I just disconnect and kind of shut down. He knows something is wrong and stops. If I tell him I have to stop he will and just lay there with me. We will talk or he will just hold me and we will go to sleep. It comes up when we get into a disagreement or fight as well. It just makes things worse. I am doing better with other but still have trouble with when we get into an argument or fight. But I am working on it.

this has ended up just being a update of what is going on/happened with my mother. I plan to do a update on everyone individually as well once I finish my general updates. This one just seemed to turn into that for her so we will just go with it.

Let’s back up to December 10th the Friday I got off of work early and was called home for an emergency.

I had worked extra hours all week so I took off work around 3. I went shopping for furniture because we needed a lot of stuff. I didn’t really want to buy new but some of our stores have really good deals. I was just going to see what they have.

I didn’t even get half way through the store when my phone started ringing. I didn’t know who it was I didn’t answer they kept calling back. Then my oldest called and said the police were at the house and wanted to talk to me. Mind you I am over 30 miles from home.

I get on the phone and they tell me my mother had called them. They were there and she was telling them all this crazy stuff. She thinks there are people hacking everything phones, computer anything that hooks to the internet. She been this way for a while and just getting worse. They were trying to convince her to go with them they wanted me home to talk to them. So I went home and they finally convinced her to go with them on a ventilator Baker act. That was fine with me best thing that could happen. If you go back and read my post about CPS/DCF being called and some of the other post about her you will see she needs help.

They took her held her for like 4 or 5 days. I didn’t hear from her but once and she would not allow them to talk to me. Then we found out some how she was released. Could not get a hold of her. We had no way to she didn’t have a phone. The hospital said they sent her in a cab back to the address she was picked up at. I told them no she was not there would not go back there she was scared to and had no key to get in. They insisted that is where they sent her.

We called the cab company they said they couldn’t tell us if they picked her up or where they took her. Then the hospital is telling me at one point they didn’t know how she left or with who. Then said they watched camera and seen her leave in the cab. Then someone else there said they walked her out personal and put her in the cab.

We had so many mixed messages from the hospital and the cab not telling us anything we went to the police. The hospital she left was in the same city as my new house. I live less than 5 minutes from the police department. I went there and filed a missing person report. They called the cab company they said the only person they picked up from there was a black female. So we knew that wasn’t her. The police went back to the hospital to try and get more info. It took them forever they couldn’t tell us anything.

Then a few days before Christmas she called me said she was about 10 miles away from my new house in a motel. Then never heard from her again until well into 2022. I couldn’t call the motel or go there because she left and didn’t tell anyone where she was. I just told the police she called.

she ended up staying in the motel for like 7 months until she ran out of money. She had over $10k she could of done something not wasted it at the hotel. Low and behold when she left there she freaked out and ended up being Baker acted again. This time for longer.

She told the workers they could call me and gave them my number and we talked a few times. Then she told them they couldn’t talk to me for a bit. She doesn’t like that I tell them what is really going on and they know something is wrong with her.

She went so far as to tell me that the first time she was Baker acted at the other place they believed her and told her they did. But no one would help her because I told them she was crazy. I said if they truly believe you and told the cops that they would help you. Do you really think they would believe me over medical personnel? I don’t think so. Well that’s why they aren’t helping me. I just said okay whatever if so I would place a complaint.

This time in July they kept her for around 3 weeks. They we’re in the process of trying to go to court and commit her for at least 30 and force medication because she was refusing it. They wanted me to come to court tell them what all was going on. Then they stopped calling me. I didn’t hear from her again until September then she wanted money as always. Then it was the day after Christmas and not again until yesterday. She was wanting money.

All I know is when they let her out of the circle’s of care from being Baker acted they put her in a “safe house” and a worker is trying to get her social security for her because she let it go. I think September she was saying she had to leave there soon but she still somewhere they have her. She won’t give anyone a number or tell them where she is that is fine. I probably won’t hear from her for another 6 months. But that is okay. The stuff my kids told me after we got moved she will never be welcome in my house again even for a visit. I hope she gets the help she needs and can live in peace and not fear but she can’t be back in our lives.

After reading those old post and writing 4:30 A.M. I started thinking about JW. I just wanted to get up and go over there and crawl inbed and be held.

I snuggled in my big quilt and laid here in the dark thinking. My thoughts went back to wanting to be held and feel safe. I just had this feel come over me and the thought of how greatful I am for JW and the way he treats me.

Then I though not greatful but Thankful? But both just felt weird to say or feel. As I looked for the right word to describe how I felt and thought I just couldn’t think of it.

Then it came to me. It is both greatful and thankful and loved I was feeling. I guess thankful and greatful struck me as off to describe how I felt about him. Because isn’t it odd to be thankful the man you are in a relationship with don’t abuse you?

I mean isn’t that just one of those unspoken this is how it is supposed to be things in a relationship? Isn’t it assumed when you agree to be with someone or decide to be that no one is going to abuse any one? That leaves nothing on the table to have to be thankful for.

But I guess with someone like me who has been in an extremely abusive relationship that idea of what can or might or will happen is always on the table. Even if only in our subconscious and we don’t realize it.

So when we find someone who don’t do these things we are thankful. And it just feels so weird to use because it is not a feel we should have to feel. We should of never been abused the first time around. When we were it took things away from us.

We can’t just have a normal relationship. We can’t just love and be loved. We can’t just have a disagreement and everything is fine. Because our brains have been rewired to feel all things that happen in a relationship are bad. That they are about being lied to, yelled at, hit and so much more. That we aren’t really loved or that that is love. I don’t know which of those two are worse really. I think probably thinking that that is love, being abused is being loved. (That is another post in its own)

When our brains have been rewired in such a way, subconsciously we always look at everything different than those who have not been abused. I have said it before our poor partners are under a microscope. We are looking extra hard trying to figure out their motivation is for doing whatever they done. Because in our minds they didn’t do it just to be nice because they love us. In our minds they don’t really love us either so there is no way they did it because of that. We have their love under that scope too looking for why? Because the last person who said it was only out for their self. This one must be too. We can’t be stupid like we were before and fall for it this time too. So we crank in even more with that microscope and look even harder.

So if and when it hits you like it did me last night it don’t feel right to us. It feels wrong to feel loved. It feels uncomfortable. All while feeling slightly good. You want to be able to feel it, you want to let go and open up and really let that other person and what they have to offer in and believe them. But how do you do that when it feels so uncomfortable or bad almost?

Before I go let me just say, I have never thought or worried for a minute that JW would ever treat me anywhere close to how I was treated when I was married. But as I said when you come from something like that subconsciously it is always there until if and when you can have that moment of this is okay.

{December 8, 2020}   Someone Flipped The Switch

As I said my meds are not working and I have been a mess. One extreme to the next. Mostly very emotional and depressed. And of course anyone who deals with mental illness knows we take things personal we shouldn’t, we look to far into things and question everything. The one’s of us who have been through abusive relationships are even worse when it comes to this. It is hard enough dealing with the whispers of the what if’s, did you hear what he said and many more from the back of our minds. We ignore them, tell them it isn’t true, and all the good we see in the other person. The good they have brought into our lives and how happy we are. But they are always looking for something to cause us to over think and worry about. When we are already in an emotional depressive state we spiral on every thought.

That is how I was with JW for since I got this way. Everything he he did I was looking at it under a microscope and digging through it with a fine tooth comb because he don’t really want this. He don’t want me look at the mess I am. Look at all the baggage I come with, mental the depression, the abuse I have been through and trying to work through. My situation at home oh and 4 kids why would he want us? He can be free to do whatever whenever and he could find someone who could as well?

Even though I am thinking this and holding on to his ever word and action to prove it something wasn’t right. Something was wrong as I replayed it all over and over. It hit me, even though I was thinking it and my mind was trying to convince me and trying to prove it. I didn’t feel it, I did not feel that way at all. When I really stopped and took everything in I felt a calm peaceful everything was okay.

But when I thought about telling the kids, the future and our lives I felt sick. I felt my anxiety on high, and just couldn’t do anything. The other night I was sitting here messaging with sleeping Beauty about it.

He said he didn’t think I was ready to tell the kids or move in together. That I needed to really do some hard thinking about things before I made any big decisions.

We talked a little more and I was thinking about what he was saying. It was like he flipped that switch the light came on. It wasn’t him I was worried about it is me. I am worried about doing something to mess things up and he is going to leave. Not because he don’t really want this or us. But because I pushed him away. I put my wall up and keep him at arms length. Or I do look at everything he does under that microscope when he really isn’t doing anything. He gets tired of it. I couldn’t blame him.

So the last few day’s I have been trying to back-up give him some space and myself some. To just kind of deal with this and work through it. It isn’t going to happen overnight. But now I know what’s wrong I can move forward with things and seeing everything is okay hopefully will help to work through it.

{July 17, 2020}   Re: A Mental Breakdown

After writing A Mental Breakdown

last night I kept thinking about it and how bad it was and why. It has been over 25 years or more since I was that bad. It hit me, I wonder if my birth control caused it? Not so much the low but caused it to be so extreme.

When they gave them to me they only gave me the first 3 months. They said when I started the 3rd months worth to call and come back in. We would see how they were working, how I liked them and feeling. They said it takes about 3 months for them to get in your system and everything even out. I had just open the 3rd pack and started taking them. I think I have the rest of this week and next weeks left before I start the placebo (sugar) pills.

I may have made it worse because I skipped the sugar pills in the first two packs. I am wondering if not having that little bit of a break those weeks and not having my period those two months probably was the perfect storm to end up like I did. When I went in to pick up the rest of the years worth I didn’t tell them how I felt or what. But I also wasn’t at the worse when I was there.

I told them they were great, I wasn’t sick like I was in the past taking them. I wasn’t moody or angry like in the past. I didn’t lose my sex drive. It went up. Only real thing I noticed was wanting to eat more. I am so use to feeling stressed and depressed I didn’t put two and two together. But I think they made it so extreme.

Now I am not sure what to do. I don’t know if the worse is over or the worse is yet to come. I don’t want to stop taking them but I don’t want to be like that either. I am hoping things are evening out now and that won’t happen again. If it does I hope I am with it enough to think of it and stop taking them.

I was going to tell JW about it and that is what I think is going on. I keep forgetting to. We were messaging earlier after I got home and I told him. I am going to talk to him more about it tomorrow probably. Tell him if I start getting that way or get bad again to remind me so I can stop taking them. I should remember but any of you who have been through it or deal with it know how it is. You don’t think straight. You can’t think straight. So if he says something or notices things i don’t or what he can say something as well.

Told him tonight i was scared and that I had not been that bad in 25 years. He seemed worried. He don’t know how I was back then he wasn’t really in the picture much. We haven’t talked about it. I am going to have to tell him more. I have always told him i deal with depression. Not like I have hidden it. I just haven’t talked to him about how bad it has been or could of been the other week.

{July 15, 2020}   A Mental Breakdown

I use to go for months without hitting an extreme low. It also would take a lot to push me to the point of an extreme low. And now I just feel like they are coming closer together and they are coming fast and strong. Since this “pandemic” started and I lost my job. It seems like I will have a few good days, an okay few days and then some dragging days before I fall into the black hole of no hope. I just want to cry and feel hopeless. I can’t even hold back the tears and keep myself from crying hardly. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I feel guilty about that because of the kids and JW.

I felt this so deep inside the week leading up to 4th of July all I did was cry. It was hard to hide from the kids and I couldn’t from JW. I would get there to see him just hug him and stand or sit there and cry. I felt bad he kept asking what was wrong. All I could say was I didn’t know.

I didn’t, it wasn’t any one thing or 20 things. Just having to be awake a function was enough to do it. Much less everything else on top of it. I know he was getting a little upset or aggravated with me. But I don’t even know how to explain any of it to him. If you don’t live it and haven’t studied it you just really don’t understand.

I want to explain it to him so he knows what it really is. I think if he understood or really knew he could help me more when I start to feel bad or start to get that way. I don’t know how to tell him. I just tell him my depression gets bad sometimes, sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t know if he could help so much as he wouldn’t say some thing’s he says maybe.

A few times I said I didn’t want to get up I just want to sleep all day. He say’s then do it, you need the rest, you deserve to. The other day I said I was laying here dreading the thought of getting up and functioning. It was already after 2pm maybe closer to 3 and I had not been up yet. He laughed, I just felt worse. I know he didn’t mean anything by it and just seen it as a joke or just off hand just feeling lazy and my way of saying.

But I really felt that way. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having to get up and function. I felt like I hadn’t slept in 3 days just thinking about getting up. Him laughing made me feel some kind of way.

I need him to tell no I can’t stay in bed, i need him to tell me we have to get things done lets go get it taken care of. I need him to just tell me no get your ass up and get dressed get out of the house. I don’t need him to tell me everything is going to be alright, it’s okay stay in bed, I don’t need him to fix anything or make it better. I just need him to be there, be understanding, kick me in the ass and just hold me and let me cry once in awhile.

My mind goes straight to he didn’t sign up for this, he puts up with enough from you, when he figures out and understands what is going on he is going to leave you. I really don’t think so. But that is how my mind works and the things I think.

I felt so bad I went to my bed before dark and stayed for the 4th. I laid here and cried and felt guilty. I felt guilty for not taking the kids and do stuff. I felt guilty for not going with JW to his friends and taking the kids. I felt guilty because he was 2 doors away and I didn’t want to be with him. Wait I wanted to be with him I just wanted him to be here with me in my bed holding me let me just relax and calm down. I felt guilty for complaining about the fireworks 🎆. Because a good amount were from his friends who were putting them off. But I was just miserable.

I hadn’t felt that bad in an extremely long time. Like probably since I was young and first started dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. It was scary. All I could think was I didn’t want to hurt myself but I wanted something to happen to me. Then I would think I wonder if something did happen how would I feel the last few seconds? Would I be happy because it would all be over? Or would I want to live and not really want to die? Would I even have enough time to think about it and feel anyway about it? Would I know that is what was happening or would I not even know until it happen it was over? Would I feel anyway?

Is that crazy to have such thoughts? I don’t remember ever having such thoughts. I have felt the way I felt and not wanted to function, not been able to get out of bed and things. But never felt it the way I did then. I even went twice looking for father of the year to start shit with him. I wanted him locked up, right now, i wanted him to get his ass beat. I wanted to go off on him for what he has done to my son and the fact my 9 year old son is dealing with a ton of anxiety over him leaving and cutting contact like he did. I wanted to give him hell for being such a sorry SOB. i wanted to go see his grandma. I don’t know why or what I wanted to accomplish or thought I would by doing that but I wanted to go.

I really did not like the way I felt or the thoughts I was having at all. I was even thinking about places to go that could help me or where I could go to get help. I was wondering what they would or could do for me. I was scared to even try or ask because I was scared what they may do or say. I was really scared they may put me in the psych ward. I could not do that. I have been there to visit someone and heard them talk about it. All that would of made it 100x worse. I can’t be locked in searched watched and all that. It would trigger me more than I was already. I was scared they would medicate me more than I really need and with stronger stuff than what I need.

I kept thinking I just needed away from everything. I just needed this and that. Maybe if they kept me I would at least get a break from everything. But knew it would be a bigger mess to deal with once I got out if they did keep me.

I feel better a lot better this week. I’m not real sure why or what snapped me out of it. Thinking about thing’s I don’t really remember last week at all and what went on or happened between the 4th and this past weekend. I just know between then and now is like a 360 degree turn. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime ever again.

{February 4, 2020}   To Damaged

I am so stressed lately with having to move, find a bigger truck, back to back court dates, Saturday being 5 years my dad being gone, this new step I am taking with JW, all the changes that are coming with that.

This thing with JW is really on my mind letting go and just let what is going to happen, happen and enjoying what is happening now is really hard. Trusting he isn’t going to hurt me and things really are going to work out and that him, the kids and I are all going to be happy. My mind won’t let me do that of course, because when you have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times or in such ways it isn’t easy. You stuff your feelings and go with with your head so that you don’t get hurt again.

I keep thinking about what he said about wanting to be here and help, willing to wait, take things slow, do things how I feel is best for me and the kids. Maybe he isn’t the one I am trying to protect the kids from. Maybe it is me and me messing things up not him.

Yesterday I was in a mood and I was thinking about all the shit I have been though and things that have happen. I thought once he finds out about things or if he does will he stay. He won’t stay he will leave. I had the thought I am going to tell him everything or what if I just tell him the one thing that gets a reaction  out of everyone, that one thing that no one knows how to react to and makes everyone pull away or leave. Because you know it was shortly after RC found out that he did all this and was different from the time he found out. Then I think okay so he don’t leave but the what if he is different after that like he was? What if I mess things up between us by telling him that. If it changes things between us and we are still together that may not be the best either. But then I feel that it is something that he probably should know either way because it will have an effect on things between us at times. I try not to let it but at times it does before I even realize it.

Then it is like okay so when is the right time to tell someone something like that? Right away upfront kind of like now? Later once things head in that direction? Just wait until maybe it comes up or if things from the past and how things were or things that happen between me and father of the year and bring it up? I just don’t know how you bring that up and tell someone that.

Yesterday the mood I was in I had decided that I was going to go tell him. I was going to bring it up after work or what and we were sitting around talking. Whatever reaction I got, I just got and we would go from there.

My whole thought process behind it all was just tell him all the bad shit, tell him everything you have been through and done. He will surely not stick around. If he does then maybe it is worth all that you are putting on hold. If he does leave then it just shows how he is like the rest and just saying what he thinks one wants to hear. Either way everything is out in the open.

But when I got there he was pretty sick and not feeling good. He told me he didn’t feel good when we were messaging while I was at work. I didn’t think he was that bad until I got there. I could tell he really felt bad, he wasn’t wanting to move or even lay on his side or anything. He was so tired as well. I just laid there with him we talked a little but not much not about anything really. I told him I was going to go so he could sleep because he was so bad. He said no he wanted me to stay. I stayed for a bit laid there with him until I had to go. He was going to walk me out I told him no to stay in bed I would turn things off and lock the door. He was worried about me walking out by myself. I said I walk in by myself all the time, whats the difference. He said I don’t know but I am just supposed to walk you out. I said well not to night now I will see you tomorrow.

I was kind of glad it hadn’t come up and not at the same time. I wasn’t going to bring it up at that time anyway no matter what. But I now feel that I just want to get it out of the way since I feel that he should know. That I was all ready to tell him and going to do it and now I still have it to do since he wasn’t feeling good. I guess I will just wait and see and hope that the right time comes and things go well when it does.

It all goes back to Self sabatage.

Everything can be going great and my mind takes over and runs with all its thoughts and what may happen. What if he finds out….what if you do something he don’t like or that upsets him… is he going to react to…..will he find you to damaged if to much comes out? It is hell to have your mind battle your heart as I am sure many of you know.

You want to believe and follow your heart but your brain attacks.

{August 7, 2019}   Had To Share 💖 it So Much

Found this on Mind at War-page on Facebook………………………………………………….

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet” said Eeyore, in a Glum sounding voice.

“We just thought we’d check on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.

Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.


Author – AA Milne
Illustration – EH Shepard

et cetera
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