Single___Parent___Life











After reading those old post and writing 4:30 A.M. I started thinking about JW. I just wanted to get up and go over there and crawl inbed and be held.

I snuggled in my big quilt and laid here in the dark thinking. My thoughts went back to wanting to be held and feel safe. I just had this feel come over me and the thought of how greatful I am for JW and the way he treats me.

Then I though not greatful but Thankful? But both just felt weird to say or feel. As I looked for the right word to describe how I felt and thought I just couldn’t think of it.

Then it came to me. It is both greatful and thankful and loved I was feeling. I guess thankful and greatful struck me as off to describe how I felt about him. Because isn’t it odd to be thankful the man you are in a relationship with don’t abuse you?

I mean isn’t that just one of those unspoken this is how it is supposed to be things in a relationship? Isn’t it assumed when you agree to be with someone or decide to be that no one is going to abuse any one? That leaves nothing on the table to have to be thankful for.

But I guess with someone like me who has been in an extremely abusive relationship that idea of what can or might or will happen is always on the table. Even if only in our subconscious and we don’t realize it.

So when we find someone who don’t do these things we are thankful. And it just feels so weird to use because it is not a feel we should have to feel. We should of never been abused the first time around. When we were it took things away from us.

We can’t just have a normal relationship. We can’t just love and be loved. We can’t just have a disagreement and everything is fine. Because our brains have been rewired to feel all things that happen in a relationship are bad. That they are about being lied to, yelled at, hit and so much more. That we aren’t really loved or that that is love. I don’t know which of those two are worse really. I think probably thinking that that is love, being abused is being loved. (That is another post in its own)

When our brains have been rewired in such a way, subconsciously we always look at everything different than those who have not been abused. I have said it before our poor partners are under a microscope. We are looking extra hard trying to figure out their motivation is for doing whatever they done. Because in our minds they didn’t do it just to be nice because they love us. In our minds they don’t really love us either so there is no way they did it because of that. We have their love under that scope too looking for why? Because the last person who said it was only out for their self. This one must be too. We can’t be stupid like we were before and fall for it this time too. So we crank in even more with that microscope and look even harder.

So if and when it hits you like it did me last night it don’t feel right to us. It feels wrong to feel loved. It feels uncomfortable. All while feeling slightly good. You want to be able to feel it, you want to let go and open up and really let that other person and what they have to offer in and believe them. But how do you do that when it feels so uncomfortable or bad almost?

Before I go let me just say, I have never thought or worried for a minute that JW would ever treat me anywhere close to how I was treated when I was married. But as I said when you come from something like that subconsciously it is always there until if and when you can have that moment of this is okay.



{December 8, 2020}   Someone Flipped The Switch

As I said my meds are not working and I have been a mess. One extreme to the next. Mostly very emotional and depressed. And of course anyone who deals with mental illness knows we take things personal we shouldn’t, we look to far into things and question everything. The one’s of us who have been through abusive relationships are even worse when it comes to this. It is hard enough dealing with the whispers of the what if’s, did you hear what he said and many more from the back of our minds. We ignore them, tell them it isn’t true, and all the good we see in the other person. The good they have brought into our lives and how happy we are. But they are always looking for something to cause us to over think and worry about. When we are already in an emotional depressive state we spiral on every thought.

That is how I was with JW for since I got this way. Everything he he did I was looking at it under a microscope and digging through it with a fine tooth comb because he don’t really want this. He don’t want me look at the mess I am. Look at all the baggage I come with, mental the depression, the abuse I have been through and trying to work through. My situation at home oh and 4 kids why would he want us? He can be free to do whatever whenever and he could find someone who could as well?

Even though I am thinking this and holding on to his ever word and action to prove it something wasn’t right. Something was wrong as I replayed it all over and over. It hit me, even though I was thinking it and my mind was trying to convince me and trying to prove it. I didn’t feel it, I did not feel that way at all. When I really stopped and took everything in I felt a calm peaceful everything was okay.

But when I thought about telling the kids, the future and our lives I felt sick. I felt my anxiety on high, and just couldn’t do anything. The other night I was sitting here messaging with sleeping Beauty about it.

He said he didn’t think I was ready to tell the kids or move in together. That I needed to really do some hard thinking about things before I made any big decisions.

We talked a little more and I was thinking about what he was saying. It was like he flipped that switch the light came on. It wasn’t him I was worried about it is me. I am worried about doing something to mess things up and he is going to leave. Not because he don’t really want this or us. But because I pushed him away. I put my wall up and keep him at arms length. Or I do look at everything he does under that microscope when he really isn’t doing anything. He gets tired of it. I couldn’t blame him.

So the last few day’s I have been trying to back-up give him some space and myself some. To just kind of deal with this and work through it. It isn’t going to happen overnight. But now I know what’s wrong I can move forward with things and seeing everything is okay hopefully will help to work through it.



{July 17, 2020}   Re: A Mental Breakdown

After writing A Mental Breakdown

last night I kept thinking about it and how bad it was and why. It has been over 25 years or more since I was that bad. It hit me, I wonder if my birth control caused it? Not so much the low but caused it to be so extreme.

When they gave them to me they only gave me the first 3 months. They said when I started the 3rd months worth to call and come back in. We would see how they were working, how I liked them and feeling. They said it takes about 3 months for them to get in your system and everything even out. I had just open the 3rd pack and started taking them. I think I have the rest of this week and next weeks left before I start the placebo (sugar) pills.

I may have made it worse because I skipped the sugar pills in the first two packs. I am wondering if not having that little bit of a break those weeks and not having my period those two months probably was the perfect storm to end up like I did. When I went in to pick up the rest of the years worth I didn’t tell them how I felt or what. But I also wasn’t at the worse when I was there.

I told them they were great, I wasn’t sick like I was in the past taking them. I wasn’t moody or angry like in the past. I didn’t lose my sex drive. It went up. Only real thing I noticed was wanting to eat more. I am so use to feeling stressed and depressed I didn’t put two and two together. But I think they made it so extreme.

Now I am not sure what to do. I don’t know if the worse is over or the worse is yet to come. I don’t want to stop taking them but I don’t want to be like that either. I am hoping things are evening out now and that won’t happen again. If it does I hope I am with it enough to think of it and stop taking them.

I was going to tell JW about it and that is what I think is going on. I keep forgetting to. We were messaging earlier after I got home and I told him. I am going to talk to him more about it tomorrow probably. Tell him if I start getting that way or get bad again to remind me so I can stop taking them. I should remember but any of you who have been through it or deal with it know how it is. You don’t think straight. You can’t think straight. So if he says something or notices things i don’t or what he can say something as well.

Told him tonight i was scared and that I had not been that bad in 25 years. He seemed worried. He don’t know how I was back then he wasn’t really in the picture much. We haven’t talked about it. I am going to have to tell him more. I have always told him i deal with depression. Not like I have hidden it. I just haven’t talked to him about how bad it has been or could of been the other week.



{July 15, 2020}   A Mental Breakdown

I use to go for months without hitting an extreme low. It also would take a lot to push me to the point of an extreme low. And now I just feel like they are coming closer together and they are coming fast and strong. Since this “pandemic” started and I lost my job. It seems like I will have a few good days, an okay few days and then some dragging days before I fall into the black hole of no hope. I just want to cry and feel hopeless. I can’t even hold back the tears and keep myself from crying hardly. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I feel guilty about that because of the kids and JW.

I felt this so deep inside the week leading up to 4th of July all I did was cry. It was hard to hide from the kids and I couldn’t from JW. I would get there to see him just hug him and stand or sit there and cry. I felt bad he kept asking what was wrong. All I could say was I didn’t know.

I didn’t, it wasn’t any one thing or 20 things. Just having to be awake a function was enough to do it. Much less everything else on top of it. I know he was getting a little upset or aggravated with me. But I don’t even know how to explain any of it to him. If you don’t live it and haven’t studied it you just really don’t understand.

I want to explain it to him so he knows what it really is. I think if he understood or really knew he could help me more when I start to feel bad or start to get that way. I don’t know how to tell him. I just tell him my depression gets bad sometimes, sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t know if he could help so much as he wouldn’t say some thing’s he says maybe.

A few times I said I didn’t want to get up I just want to sleep all day. He say’s then do it, you need the rest, you deserve to. The other day I said I was laying here dreading the thought of getting up and functioning. It was already after 2pm maybe closer to 3 and I had not been up yet. He laughed, I just felt worse. I know he didn’t mean anything by it and just seen it as a joke or just off hand just feeling lazy and my way of saying.

But I really felt that way. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having to get up and function. I felt like I hadn’t slept in 3 days just thinking about getting up. Him laughing made me feel some kind of way.

I need him to tell no I can’t stay in bed, i need him to tell me we have to get things done lets go get it taken care of. I need him to just tell me no get your ass up and get dressed get out of the house. I don’t need him to tell me everything is going to be alright, it’s okay stay in bed, I don’t need him to fix anything or make it better. I just need him to be there, be understanding, kick me in the ass and just hold me and let me cry once in awhile.

My mind goes straight to he didn’t sign up for this, he puts up with enough from you, when he figures out and understands what is going on he is going to leave you. I really don’t think so. But that is how my mind works and the things I think.

I felt so bad I went to my bed before dark and stayed for the 4th. I laid here and cried and felt guilty. I felt guilty for not taking the kids and do stuff. I felt guilty for not going with JW to his friends and taking the kids. I felt guilty because he was 2 doors away and I didn’t want to be with him. Wait I wanted to be with him I just wanted him to be here with me in my bed holding me let me just relax and calm down. I felt guilty for complaining about the fireworks 🎆. Because a good amount were from his friends who were putting them off. But I was just miserable.

I hadn’t felt that bad in an extremely long time. Like probably since I was young and first started dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. It was scary. All I could think was I didn’t want to hurt myself but I wanted something to happen to me. Then I would think I wonder if something did happen how would I feel the last few seconds? Would I be happy because it would all be over? Or would I want to live and not really want to die? Would I even have enough time to think about it and feel anyway about it? Would I know that is what was happening or would I not even know until it happen it was over? Would I feel anyway?

Is that crazy to have such thoughts? I don’t remember ever having such thoughts. I have felt the way I felt and not wanted to function, not been able to get out of bed and things. But never felt it the way I did then. I even went twice looking for father of the year to start shit with him. I wanted him locked up, right now, i wanted him to get his ass beat. I wanted to go off on him for what he has done to my son and the fact my 9 year old son is dealing with a ton of anxiety over him leaving and cutting contact like he did. I wanted to give him hell for being such a sorry SOB. i wanted to go see his grandma. I don’t know why or what I wanted to accomplish or thought I would by doing that but I wanted to go.

I really did not like the way I felt or the thoughts I was having at all. I was even thinking about places to go that could help me or where I could go to get help. I was wondering what they would or could do for me. I was scared to even try or ask because I was scared what they may do or say. I was really scared they may put me in the psych ward. I could not do that. I have been there to visit someone and heard them talk about it. All that would of made it 100x worse. I can’t be locked in searched watched and all that. It would trigger me more than I was already. I was scared they would medicate me more than I really need and with stronger stuff than what I need.

I kept thinking I just needed away from everything. I just needed this and that. Maybe if they kept me I would at least get a break from everything. But knew it would be a bigger mess to deal with once I got out if they did keep me.

I feel better a lot better this week. I’m not real sure why or what snapped me out of it. Thinking about thing’s I don’t really remember last week at all and what went on or happened between the 4th and this past weekend. I just know between then and now is like a 360 degree turn. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime ever again.



{February 4, 2020}   To Damaged

I am so stressed lately with having to move, find a bigger truck, back to back court dates, Saturday being 5 years my dad being gone, this new step I am taking with JW, all the changes that are coming with that.

This thing with JW is really on my mind letting go and just let what is going to happen, happen and enjoying what is happening now is really hard. Trusting he isn’t going to hurt me and things really are going to work out and that him, the kids and I are all going to be happy. My mind won’t let me do that of course, because when you have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times or in such ways it isn’t easy. You stuff your feelings and go with with your head so that you don’t get hurt again.

I keep thinking about what he said about wanting to be here and help, willing to wait, take things slow, do things how I feel is best for me and the kids. Maybe he isn’t the one I am trying to protect the kids from. Maybe it is me and me messing things up not him.

Yesterday I was in a mood and I was thinking about all the shit I have been though and things that have happen. I thought once he finds out about things or if he does will he stay. He won’t stay he will leave. I had the thought I am going to tell him everything or what if I just tell him the one thing that gets a reaction  out of everyone, that one thing that no one knows how to react to and makes everyone pull away or leave. Because you know it was shortly after RC found out that he did all this and was different from the time he found out. Then I think okay so he don’t leave but the what if he is different after that like he was? What if I mess things up between us by telling him that. If it changes things between us and we are still together that may not be the best either. But then I feel that it is something that he probably should know either way because it will have an effect on things between us at times. I try not to let it but at times it does before I even realize it.

Then it is like okay so when is the right time to tell someone something like that? Right away upfront kind of like now? Later once things head in that direction? Just wait until maybe it comes up or if things from the past and how things were or things that happen between me and father of the year and bring it up? I just don’t know how you bring that up and tell someone that.

Yesterday the mood I was in I had decided that I was going to go tell him. I was going to bring it up after work or what and we were sitting around talking. Whatever reaction I got, I just got and we would go from there.

My whole thought process behind it all was just tell him all the bad shit, tell him everything you have been through and done. He will surely not stick around. If he does then maybe it is worth all that you are putting on hold. If he does leave then it just shows how he is like the rest and just saying what he thinks one wants to hear. Either way everything is out in the open.

But when I got there he was pretty sick and not feeling good. He told me he didn’t feel good when we were messaging while I was at work. I didn’t think he was that bad until I got there. I could tell he really felt bad, he wasn’t wanting to move or even lay on his side or anything. He was so tired as well. I just laid there with him we talked a little but not much not about anything really. I told him I was going to go so he could sleep because he was so bad. He said no he wanted me to stay. I stayed for a bit laid there with him until I had to go. He was going to walk me out I told him no to stay in bed I would turn things off and lock the door. He was worried about me walking out by myself. I said I walk in by myself all the time, whats the difference. He said I don’t know but I am just supposed to walk you out. I said well not to night now I will see you tomorrow.

I was kind of glad it hadn’t come up and not at the same time. I wasn’t going to bring it up at that time anyway no matter what. But I now feel that I just want to get it out of the way since I feel that he should know. That I was all ready to tell him and going to do it and now I still have it to do since he wasn’t feeling good. I guess I will just wait and see and hope that the right time comes and things go well when it does.

It all goes back to Self sabatage.

Everything can be going great and my mind takes over and runs with all its thoughts and what may happen. What if he finds out….what if you do something he don’t like or that upsets him…..how is he going to react to…..will he find you to damaged if to much comes out? It is hell to have your mind battle your heart as I am sure many of you know.

You want to believe and follow your heart but your brain attacks.



{August 7, 2019}   Had To Share 💖 it So Much

Found this on Mind at War-page on Facebook………………………………………………….

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet” said Eeyore, in a Glum sounding voice.

“We just thought we’d check on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.

Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.

 

Author – AA Milne
Illustration – EH Shepard



{July 31, 2019}   In To Deep

I think Sleeping Beauty is in to deep this time. He keeps messaging saying he can’t come get his stuff. He told her the other day something about not having a toothbrush and things. Then today he told her he didn’t have one still or deodorant and hadn’t eaten in a day or two. He didn’t have a ride and just got up. That was at 10 or 11 in the morning.

I said well mommy could give him $5 for the stuff he needs and the store is a mile or less from his house of they won’t take him. Why hasn’t he eaten in days? Mommy has food in the house. And would give him a ride to her house to get his stuff.

She said he isn’t staying with his mom he is staying with a friend somewhere because it is closer.

I said a friend his crack body he took your truck to the other night. And closer to what? He hasn’t been working. He has nothing else to be close to.

She said she didn’t know there or his gay friend he stays with. If he was there he been up earlier because he complains there is no where to sleep there, they always fight and up all night he don’t get to sleep when he is there. She said she didn’t know what he was trying to be closer to.

I said his next fix because he is in to deep this time. In the 2 or 3 years I have known him I have never seen him this bad at all. The things he has said to her I am blown away. On top of all the other shit he is trying to pull. I said wow he never said that kind of shit to me or pulled that or tried to. He told her he hope she died or was dead today.

She said she was trying to get the title back still. She said it don’t run. I know she took the battery out and one of them did something else to it. I said if he didn’t give me the title it wouldn’t be running at all or anything going on with it. I said if it don’t run how is he going to get it? He don’t have money for a tow or anything? She said he was going to get his bosses trailer and truck.

I said when he does that he still wouldn’t get it. I would call the police on him as soon as he came around the corner tell them he has no licenses and driving a company truck. They will take him to jail and deal with his boss or impound the truck and trailer.

Like I told her he isn’t going to do anything he threatens because he don’t want any dealings at all with the cops. He has nothing and has more to lose than the rest of us because he don’t want to go to jail. We have more on him than he could ever have on any of us. So he can talk all he wants he is all talk no action. He is to scared to get into a confrontation with anyone as well. This is why he don’t want her there when he gets his stuff.

I told her it would not be a surprise at all to hear something happen to him or he overdosed.

Most the time this all blows up he leaves with mommy they enable him bandage it up and life goes on. But he didn’t even stay at his moms more than a day or so and come back down here. Normally it’s months before he comes back around. It is sad but that is what it does to you.



{July 29, 2019}   Back To Mommy’s House

So Bff called me last night and said that Sleeping Beauty had been there with his mommy and they had gotten into it. She said she heard his mom say what did you not pay rent again? He told her he had paid rent and she was crazy and this that and the other like he does.

She said she was saying things and he was trying to close the door and telling her to hush and not tell his mother that. Shhe said she told him no she needed to know. He hurried up and got the he’ll out of there. He took the title to the muddy truck she bought. Told her he would go back today to get his stuff why she was at work. That if she changed the locks he could kick the door in and come in. If she messed with his stuff then he would have her arrested. I said nope can’t have you arrested and he don’t want that close of interaction with the police he isn’t calling them on anyone.

She posted something on line about friends and family who you can trust seeing people’s true colors and things. Everyone commented on it. I did was nice told her she knew who cared about her that we were all watching out for her and the kids and things. Everyone was.

Well Sleeping Beauty commented and said wow all you people are all fucked up and she needs help. Oh wrong thing to say. I commented and a friend commented. I said to her well this is the problem he uses this that and the other and put it all out there how he has nothing but talks about everyone uses everyone and wants to give advice on kids and dont support see or have anything to do with his own. Me and her are single moms have house vehicles jobs and all that he has nothing and a grown man with no one to pay for or worry about but does this to people.

He uncle liked my comments and said Sleeping Beauty is pretty funny messing with family and right here in our town and going to run his mouth. He better watch out.

I was surprised Sleeping Beauty never said anything else.

Bff messaged me today said he told her he just wanted her to know he didn’t go to work today he was home. He been up sick all night over all this and in out of the bathroom all night over it all.

I said yep withdrawal does that to you and stress from knowing everyone is against you and mad watching for you because of the way you have done people.

I told her she better not let him come back or feel sorry for him either. She said oh no he was out not coming back. I told her I think he is in worse than ever. I don’t think it is going to get better. This just put the bandaid back on it for a bit. He is to close to it all and its to in his face he dont want to get another job he won’t ever be out of it. He needs somewhere to go away from it all. She said she told his mom he needed help. That something bad was going to happen to him if he didn’t get it. He was telling her shut up dont say that dont tell her that.

I told her he has his issues he is dealing with until be seeks help and deals with them right he wont do anything but get worse. He needs to deal with his mental health problems.



{July 29, 2019}   Doom and Gloom Has Come Again

I don’t know what to think that doom and gloom feeling has rushed over me this morning. I got up early because I had to take the dog a million miles away to drop her off to be spayed before I went to work this morning. I got there at 8 to just drop her off. I didn’t talk to anyone until 8:45 or after. Then since she has had two seizures they wanted me to talk to the vet. She was scared of him did not like him at all. He listen to her and said she has a pretty good heart murmur. Ideally we would do a heart work up on her EKG and ECO and I think something else. But he said that is getting into a lot of money. He seem to think she should do good. But they wanted to do a heart worm test to make sure it isn’t that. He said he could do it why I waited but I told him I thought she was healthy and fine. That I really had to get to work that I would leave her and let them test her and if anything was wrong to call me. I think they told me before she had the murmur. She has only been to the vet once since I had her. She is healthy as I told him and she was quick to point out that she seemed that way but we really didn’t know. Even then I was okay and didn’t feel that anything was wrong. I did have the though before he said all that, that maybe I should just skip it and take her home. But know she needs to really be done she is so young and we don’t need puppies. I feel that everything is going to be okay but then I feel bad for just leaving her and not waiting for them to do the test. But it was almost 9:30 and I needed to be towns away at work by 10. I know that the test is going to come back fine and they are going to have to do what they need to do and I will pick her up at 6 and she will be great.

I think when I lost my bumper i messed up something under my car. I know I still haven’t told you about that either. I have been really busy getting nothing done this weekend and being told what a horrible mother I am and how sorry everyone feels for my kids. And dealing with Sleeping Beauty mess. But now I have to see what that is and get it fixed. I don’t even know if I should be driving it or what will happen if something happens. I don’t think I am supposed to have a vehicle.

Then I started thinking about my car the shit show I have with the one I just bought. I got an offer of $500 on my old truck why I was leaving the vet. I really need more but really don’t think I am going to get it at this point or after the fire and damage now. I have $500 worth of tires on it.

Thinking about all that is going on and the fact of doing it alone and just everything I don’t know what to think or where to go. It just hit me like hitting a break wall on the way to work doom and gloom something bad is going to happen. I still don’t feel that it is to do with the dog. I feel like it is something at home or with the kids. I have had that feeling about the house for a little while now but hadn’t really thought much of it or let it get to me. I keep telling myself everything is fine and that nothing is going to happen. But today is just hard and I don’t know why that is at the top of the list.



{July 22, 2019}   Not Alright

I want to quit my job, I want to go home pack my kids up and leave. Just walk away and leave everything, animals, personal things, whatever that will not fit in the car besides me and the kids. that would pretty much be everything including clothes because there is no room in it once everyone gets in.

I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to go to work tonight, I don’t want to be at my house. I just want away from it all. I am sitting here now fighting not to cry. I don’t know why I feel this, the weekend was pretty good. Saturday I went and had the truck towed back to the guy. That took hours when they told me 30 minutes. I went home got the kids lunch. After lunch we went tot he garden store the kids had been wanting to go to. After that we went to dinner and a few stores around there. Yesterday we didn’t do to much. Me and the girls took old dog and got her shots and we hung out at home. We slept in until after noon the dog had to be there at 4. By the time we did that it was time for dinner. We went and made dinner watched a movie and I was in bed by probably 12. I laid there a little bit and finally fell a sleep. I slept after that but I guess not good. I woke up at 7:30. I woke up thinking I just want another hour I don’t know what time it is but I just need one more hour sleep and I think I could function. I don’t know why but it’s just how I felt. I seen what time it was I could sleep until I was thinking 9 but then I remembers I had to go to the store for the kids. So I had just at one hour to sleep. I did some but not long. I thought I been laying there a few minutes and looked again and it was a few minutes until I had to get up. I just felt like no I need to sleep, I just need to lay here and sleep for a while. Until I feel better, until I wake up and feel like everything is okay. I need to sleep until everything is okay. We all know that isn’t going to happen no matter how much I sleep. Nothing is every going to be okay, it is never going to feel like everything is going to work out.

I think the main thing that is bothering me is the money issue. I feel like I am behind and now the fact I bought this truck and it is no good and I spent all my money on it. If I hadn’t bought it I would have money to do what I need to. I could have caught my bills up, got things we need for the house. I didn’t catch things up, I figured I would get them caught up the next few weeks they weren’t that bad. I owed a month maybe two on some but that was it. But then missing three days of work from the 4th of July and spending money on things that come up.

I think I could of took that money and moved on it. If I wasn’t going to have a vehicle then I could of at least moved. I feel like I have put us in such a bad spot again.

I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I feel like I need to do something. I need to do something, something dramatic or big or I don’t know. I just need some kind of change. I feel like I am in this never ending rut of here this is going to go good things are turning, ha ha nope back to your rut nothing good for you. Nothing good that is going to make a difference or really get us somewhere or make things easier or nicer or just work out for us. I feel like we are not supposed to be happy.

I feel like I need to be so many other places than work but work takes top over everything else. Little Bitty is having such a hard time with me not being there, the other kids are as well. I can’t do anything but just keep telling them they are going to get better and that I have to do this to keep things going. I say it and I don’t feel it. I don’t feel things are going to get better. I feel that we are all dealing with this and going through this, I am wore out and drained and that we are getting no where. I just keep doing it to try and not sink, hope that it gets better, that something will change.

Then my mind goes other places it shouldn’t even go, like how are my kids going to get by the way things are, are they going to be made at me and want nothing to do with me because of the way things are now, are they going to blame me for all we have been through and the fact we struggle so much, are they going to not want anything to do with me or are they going to understand and see that I cared, that I tired that I struggled and in more ways than one. That It has been so hard on me and all my swings and moods, depression and all that. That it has all made things that much harder and why some things are the way they are. Does it matter? Why does it matter?



et cetera
%d bloggers like this: