Supposed To Be Working

I am sitting here at work supposed to be working and really need to be but I’m not. Instead I am on here and finding anything and everything else that I can to do because I don’t want to be here or to do anything really. Well I do want to do a few things. I want to drink, I want to drink really bad. I just want to start and not stop until whatever happens just happens. I also want to curl up and go to sleep. I want to be held, I want someone to care, to care about me for a change. I want to feel like I matter and not just a convince for everyone.

I am a wreck today. I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night. I worked 13+ hours yesterday. I did my day job then my night job and when I finally got out of there almost a half hour later than we are supposed to I had a repo to do. Mr. Auto and the police department made that take longer and more hassle then it had to be. I called to let them know I picked it up and they couldn’t even find the address that we were at in their records. how is the police department not going to know or be able to pull up an address? What if I needed help or them to send someone and I wasn’t able to talk to them anymore than to give them the address?

The women on the phone had no idea what she was doing. She said I am going to put it in for an officer to come meet you if they need they can call you. They at this point 10 minutes or more into the phone call had no idea what I was even calling for. Someone could be bleeding to death, I could be trapped in a trunk or anything. She wasn’t even going to ask just send someone to where I was at put it in to and hang up.

I finally said look I do not need you to send anyone out or want you to. I am calling to tell you I am getting ready to take this car it is a repo. I am sitting here by it. She started saying something. I said look I am getting in it now I just need you to document it and make the report. I am driving it away right now so don’t send anyone you don’t have to they never do. I will not be here, I am about to hit 95 south. She said okay that is fine what do you need from me then. I said just document it so that if it gets called as stolen or I get pulled over. I need the report number your name and call time. She said okay. She never did get all the information that she needed from me. She ask for the tag and if these were the people that was it and gave me the numbers that I needed. She never took the vin or anything else like that. Not my problem I had all mine and did everything legal. I had all my paperwork if they had stopped me. I just wanted her to put it in because the tag was dead I didn’t want to get pulled over on the road out there. If they run the tag and see it was just repo they know your taking it back to the lot your not just out running around or the one responsible for that part of things and it is a repo so not a lot more needs said if the people were doing what they were supposed to we wouldn’t have it.

It should of never taken as long as it did to do. Between her and Mr. Auto telling me to do it all ass backwards It took about 30 to 45 minutes longer than it should have. So on top of working 13 plus hours it didn’t leave much time for sleep last night. I was crying before I could even fall a sleep. Today being the day my dad passed. I did really good all week. But after I was able to sit down and just try and relax and sleep it hit me like a brick.

I have worked but not like I should be. I found things to keep me busy but didn’t get things I really needed to done. I have to play catch up today to be on track for the guys next week and them to have work. I have kept my self detracted and just not done a lot. But over all I had felt pretty good not depressed or upset. But last night today has more than made up for it.

Pops came in a little bit ago and sat down he don’t want to be here either. He is still having a hard time with his wife passing. We just sitting here looking at the walls and each other talking about we need to get busy. Then we just talk about whatever to keep from doing anything. He is in there now working on a few things and trying to get into doing something and I am finishing this. I hope the day gets better some way. Bff was supposed to come have lunch with me but she cancelled I knew she was going to. She has no idea what today is. No one does I can’t even talk about it.

Guess I better get off here get this stuff done if they have no work next week I’m probably be in trouble for sure because I can’t even say I tried and couldn’t get it. I haven’t even tried. I maybe back later.

Five Pounds In The Wrong Direction

All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.

Yesterday 10/25/18

Yesterday would of been my daddy’s 66th birthday. I can not believe I have been 3 years without him. I miss him just as if it was last week. We didn’t do much, me and oldest went to the store late the night before (Tuesday) and after being in there only a matter of minutes I was so sick. My head was hurting so bad the lights driving home hurt my eyes. The light from my phone was horrible and if I tried to scroll up and down or side to side anything I couldn’t stand it, I had to close my eye. I went straight to bed.

When I got up the next moring to get the little ones ready for school it was still hurting. Not as bad but still pretty bad. I had oldest walk them over let them get breakfast and take them to class and mostly just slept for the day. It finally went away.

I have no idea what broughtbit on so fast and so bad. I didn’t notice a smell or sound in the store and oldest said she felt fine. It was odd.

After I picked the kids up at school I took them to the park for a while. We ended up being there for 2 hours or more. We went and explored a park we had never been to. It was nice and fun.

There was a trail to walk that goes out to big ponds with little docks and there was two areas to bring dogs too. One had a big fence the other has a lower fence. I would have to take my to crazy beast in the one with the higher fence so they do not jump out and run away. They also had some great places to take pictures of the kids. I think I took a few hundred shots why we were there. Some posed some just random.

My little guy decided to climb the tree he got about halfway up and got scared. The older kids had to get him down because he was over our heads and they are taller. In a little bit he decided to try again. He got a little higher and came down. He kept going back trying again and a again. Me and the girld went back over to the park the boys stayed by the water and the trees. In a little bit I hear mommy come look!!

I turn around and look and I can see him in the top of the tree out on a branch sitting like he is riding a horse and holding onto another playing with it. I ran over and took pictures. I had the other kids stand under the tree look up so you can see how high up he was. He thought it was great I am just thinking how is he going to get down? In a minute I started taking pictures of the other kids there doing something and he comes running up. In like a minute or so he was down. He climbed it a few times he is so proud of himself. I am to overcoming his fear that fast and how fast he gets up there and down wow.

I told him he takes after his Grandpa, he was a tree climber and cutter most my life. He worked for the power company here keeping the trees out of the powerlines or getting them out. He did a lot of side jobs when I was little as well and we would help him.

Boy I sure miss my dad its just this empty spot something is missing.

Not My Best Week Ever

This past Thursday was 3 years that I lost my daddy to cancer and it wasn’t any easier than the day it happen. I don’t know why I was thinking it was Friday not Thursday and I was kind of mentally trying to prepare myself. It seemed to be working, until I figured out it was Thursday I was wrong. Wednesday was a ruff day, I’m not sure why, I went did my prints for my background check, for my internship and then to my therapy appointment at 1. I went with a friend to lunch in between then went to the shop. I was just not in a good mood just really down feeling as the day went on. I went right in at the shop and started pulling everything apart and cleaning. I did all the rugs and pulled them up tossed them outside and did the floors all around, then brought the rugs back in laid them out and did them again and put everything up and away. After that I just sat there listening to music and looking for jobs on youtube. I had text her about the job I interviewed for.

In a little while the boss came in said he was leaving I started to get up to get my stuff together and go he said the other guy was going to lock up about 4:30 and left. I thought he was going to lock the office up before he left but he was just telling me he was leaving for the day. I just sat there thinking about things and not really doing much of anything. By the time I left I was in tears. In a little bit he came in said he was locking up ask if I was ready and set the alarm. I grabbed my bag and went out. I stopped outside the door to close my bag he seen I was upset. He was asking me what was wrong? He was calling me he said you know I love you? Do you need to talk? I said no I love you too x I’m okay. He hugged me and we started walking out to the fence to lock it up and go to where the cars are all parked. He was saying is it this, that, boyfriend? Kids? If you need to talk I am here. I said it’s okay just stuff from the past. He said okay and we went on. I figured the bosses wife would be calling me to see what was wrong she is my BFF and he lives with them. He is one of the kids and he gets worried about everyone or if something is wrong. I figured he say something to her. He just turned 21, he been in trouble in the past and don’t have a family. They have known him for a little while and he is trying to get on the right track and get his little boy back since his mom lost him and signed up her rights to him. They are helping him, so we know each other out side work and things.

That night my friend the one that my my BFF introduced me to and was trying to get me to go out with before we knew how broken he really was and his problems. He messaged me and was trying to talk I did a little but not a lot. He said something about needed to talk. I told him if he needed to talk he could call me. He called me in a little bit and said no I was asking if you needed to talk something is wrong and we talked for a little while but I didn’t tell him what was wrong either. I just didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then next day I just was not in a good mood very down and depressed, I been fighting the urge to drink since the day before. I messaged my friend ask her if she wanted to go to lunch I was hiding at the time. She said she could’t she had things to do. I told her I wanted to go to lunch I needed some drinks she said no we would go later that night. I told her I couldn’t go that night but it was okay. I was talking to my Good friend that I talk to all the time and he was getting ready to go to work. I stopped by his house for a little bit. Sat there talking to him some. He said come here I know what you need he pulled me up and gave me a hug. He said your doing it all on your own and it’s hard I been there. I just burst into tears. I am, I am tired, it is part of what is wrong on top of everything else.

My friend called me in a little bit I answered she said lets go to lunch. She said she talked to her aunt and they had things to do but they were going to go to lunch first because they knew something war wrong. I told her lets go to the pizza place in the village and to meet me at the shop and pick me up. The shop is on her way to her aunts and the pizza place and wasn’t far from where I was. I told her I wanted to have some drinks that I was going to park my truck at the shop then go back there for a while before I had to go home. That way by then I would be okay to drive. She said okay. I dropped my truck off and we went to lunch. I only had one drink a Jack and Coke.

  boy it was strong, I told them I don’t think they gave me any Coke with my Jack. I wanted something else but by the time I was ready for something else we were done eating we were in a hurry to get other things done. I ended up going to storage with them and helping them get that sorted out and somewhat organized so it can be gone through more later.

She said at one point that her husband, my boss asked if I was okay and what was going on I guess he could tell I was upset when he left and then the kid told him I was crying when we left. But she has been dealing with some things with one of her older girls so I hadn’t said anything to her. She still don’t know what all is going on or wrong. I just been trying to be there for her and her daughter as much as I can because I would never want to go through what they are going through and I can’t say I would trade what I was upset about with what is going on.

But I did make it through the day and feeling a little better now that it is Sunday. I had plans for things to do Friday but didn’t get to do them and didn’t really feel like it since it wasn’t the day I thought it was and couldn’t really do them Thursday. I may do them at a later time I don’t know yet. I am still a little aggravated but from other things now I think more than being upset about the day.

 

Interesting Message

Tonight I go out to watch a show with my little one before we go to bed, she has been asking if I would watch a show with her the last few days. I told her let me finish my school work and then I would watch a show with her. I was playing a game on my phone and sat down on the couch. As I sat down I exited out of my game so I could watch with her. When I did a thing popped up and said that so and so wants to connect with you. I clicked on it and went in to read the message it was a women. The message said is your papaw so and so? If so this is so and so trying to get a hold of him.

I just sat there looking at it. I didn’t know what to think because the name that messaged me wasn’t the name they were saying they were and they asked if he is my grandpa. My grandpa passed in 2012 who ever it was didn’t seem to know that. I started looking at picture but wasn’t sure who it was. I knew I knew the first name but couldn’t put two and two together. I was caught off guard and thinking about all of this in a manner of seconds and trying to decide how to handle it. Then it hit me that the person who was contacting me was the other persons daughter.

The person that messaged me was my cousin that I had not seen since we were little kids probably 9 or 10 year old. The person she said was looking for my grandpa is her mother that I have never in my life met or talked to. I knew my cousins because their dad use to bring them down on vacation and him and my mom were friends and we would meet up and see them why they were here. Their mom is my dad’s sister.

I messaged back and said yes that was my grandpa and that they needed to call me so we could talk please. In a little bit my phone was ringing and it was my aunt. She started asking me about my grandpa her dad I told her he passed away, she asked about my dad I told her he had too. That there was the three of them left and that one was in jail all that. She knew that my other uncle had passed before my grandpa ever did so she had been in contact with my grandpa but not in a while. She was never one that stayed in contact with the family and they said always wanting money and things. I had not heard a lot of good about her but she seemed okay when I talked to her. She is older now and maybe has changed over the last 10 years or more that it has been since anyone had heard from her.

We ended up talking for over 3 hours on the phone and she has messaged me everyday and we have talked and things. She wants me to tell the others she is coming down and things. She had me help them find a motel and all that. They are coming down two days next month. She wants to see grandpa’s grave and things like that. I would not have known her if she walked by me on the street or knocked on my door. But it was nice to get back in touch with my cousins and it will be nice to see them again and to meet my aunt. I have not told any of the family she is coming not even my mom or that I have talked to her. It really isn’t any of my moms business because it isn’t really her family but I am sure she will have enough to say about it. I am just going to tell her that I don’t want to hear it it isn’t any of her business and that you know like it or not she is family and she had a right to know and that her coming here has nothing to do with me that is up to them. They are grown adults free to do what they want. I know she isn’t going to like it because none of them really got along and still don’t she was like the “black sheep” of the family I guess you would say on my dads side but truth be know they all really were.

I asked how my uncle was because I had not seen or heard from him since I was pregnant with my oldest and he wasn’t doing good at that time. I was worried then he may do something to himself he was so bad. But I missed his phone call he didn’t call me back or contact me anymore after that. Him and my mom had stopped talking years before that so she didn’t know how to get a hold of him or anything.

Back when my grandpa was sick and dying he was asking for my aunt and wanted to see her and talk to her. No one else would look for her or tired. I searched and searched all over looking for her but couldn’t find any information about her the kids or my uncle. I told her that too that I had looked for her and couldn’t find her. She said they had been trying to get a hold of me as well but didn’t know how and couldn’t find me. I don’t know how they happen to find me the other night but they finally did.

I guess we will see how this goes when they come down next month. She wants me to move up there where they are. I told her me and the kids were looking for somewhere to move and things. She said it is nice there decent rents family friendly and good jobs. I told her we may come up Spring break and check things out.

My Big Project Grade and Feedback

I am so excited I got my grade and feedback on My Big Project tonight and I couldn’t believe it. I got full credit for both parts and this is the feedback I got from my teacher about it……………

“absolutely excellent job on your Genogram assignment! Your Genogram by far was one of the most comprehensive, clear and organized that I have seen. I really enjoyed reading your family story and for not being close to your entire family you definitely had a lot of information that you have acquired and gathered. I think that you discovered some very interesting patterns within your family. It sounds like your Grandma’s passing was a catalyst for a lot of developing dynamics. And I am sorry for the loss of your father, it sounds like you and your kids were very close with him. I hope that that project gave you some deeper insight into your family and helps you continue to develop your family dynamics in a healthy and balanced way!”

I was shocked, I expected to get a passing grade but not a very high grade maybe a high C or low B for effort because I did have a lot of information but not a lot of dates and things. Plus I did the diagram with word just kind of free drawing it all the best I could and adding information the best way I could figure out how. I then wrote all that I could think of and knew about my family and who all was involved even though I didn’t have dates for a lot of it. When I checked my grades and seen I had full credit I was happy but when I read the note that was left with the grade I was blown away. Never did I expect that at all. At least there was something positive to end my night on.

Two Years Already

Today is two years since my dad has passed, two years it’s hard to wrap my mind around it and figure out where the time has gone. It feels like yesterday. I have been thinking about it for a week or so now as it got closer and closer to today it just keeps sitting there in the back of my mind two years two years over and over like a echo. I wasn’t sure how today was going to go at all it could have been really bad or could have been great I honestly didn’t know how I was going to feel today or if I was going to do anything. To top it off I had to go to class today. I was worried what if I was to bothered by it to go I would miss another day. I even thought about it in bed last night as I laid down to go to sleep.

This morning I woke up at 5 with the dogs wanting to go out, got the kids up they took them out and we laid back down. I could’t sleep so I looked around on my phone. It was the first thing that came to mind when I woke up part of why I couldn’t fall a sleep I think. I finally went back to sleep until the alarm went off and got everyone up. I got up got Little Bitty ready and fought with her to get her to get dressed and even go to school. Doctor said she was fine yesterday so she was going today. We got there I asked the kids to walk them in my side was hurting from my gallbladder again. Then I took the older kids and dropped them off, I walked Big Boys stuff up and put it in class for him I didn’t want him to drop it all and break it he had my bowl and other glass stuff in it. He has a habit of falling down. Not what I wanted to deal with this morning. I talk to the teacher and one of the students for a bit and left. I came home and was going to make something to eat but I didn’t. I put coffee on and came to check in with everyone here instead.

I started one post about something and it turned into a post about other stuff half way through and I had to leave to get to class so I just saved it. I have to go back split it up clean them up and then post them but I haven’t had time today or felt like it with everything going on and being sick.

I got to class and sat down and we started the teacher asked everyone how we were feeling or how our day was going and done some counseling examples with it and we went on with class. All this time since I got up to get the kids up until that point I had not even thought about what today was. All of a sudden it just hit me right in the middle of class. I just felt like someone dropped something on me I can’t explain it. I started to tear up I looked at the clock to see what time it was we still had half the class left. I had my hoodie sitting there I wiped my eyes with it a few times and just kept looking at my paper. I don’t know why I just started writing. I wrote about half a page or so, I had no clue what was going on in the rest of the class. I didn’t know what they were talking about what was said nothing. I still don’t and am not sure if we had something to do for homework or turn in Monday or when our test it or what it is on.

It was like I just blocked everyone out. All of a sudden I released the teacher was talking to me. Just like you see on tv where the kids is off in space and the teacher ask him a question and they have no clue what they said or what is going on. I couldn’t even fake it until I made it try to. I just kind of looked for the teacher and looked at him and he ask the question again. I had no clue where he had even walked to in the class by that point. He was asking about how the content of the class was going and the way he was explaining it to us and things like that and how it was compared to taking it online? It’s not great, it isn’t horrible either but it could be a lot better. I didn’t have any problems with it on line and understood it pretty well. But I feel a lot of it is pretty common since stuff if you read the definition to the words and look at the examples or case studies. I just told him it was good and that I liked it online and understood it but I also understood it here and it worked for me. After that he started talking and I wrote a few more things as he let everyone go and they all piled out. I was getting my things together and he stopped me and was talking to me. We walked down stairs together and talked some. I think that helped because before I started writing I was about to get up and walk out of class. I was debating on just walking out going to the bathroom across the hall or taking all my stuff walking out and going home. I don’t know what made me just start writing, but I did.

I left school and it was about 1230 by then since I had stayed behind and talked with the teacher, I just drove right to the older kids school to pick them up. I knew they would be getting out in 30 minutes. As I went by I seen they were outside playing so I parked and walked around there. I hung out there and talk to them and then we went back to class. They have a new kid coming who needs a ride and I was trying to figure out if it was the one I knew of and if they lived close. I am pretty sure it is I told them I would give her a ride in the mornings if she was ready when I got there. I am waiting to hear when that will start but she lives a mile or less away from me and if I go to her house I just follow the road around to the little kids school then go out to the main road and go to their school.

I was going to share what I wrote in class here tonight but I forgot it in the truck. It is late I am not dressed I am not going out there tonight. I will finish it up and share it another time. I will share my other post I was wrote this morning later as well. Probably one day this week or this weekend. I am sick and don’t feel good. And when I came back here this afternoon to read I seen another blog that touched on what I wrote early and it got me thinking a little more so I want to maul it over for a bit before I write it. Hopefully some good post to come in the next few days. My goal is to post at least once a day I would like to post more but at least once. But I may not be around much tomorrow, between being sick and trying to find a cage, we are supposed to bring our furry new pets home tomorrow and I still don’t have one so I am going to have to go out tomorrow why they are in school and look. If I don’t make it back you know why.

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