{February 27, 2021}   A Good Month

As some of you know I lost my dad unexpectedly February 8 2015. That was the worst thing ever. I did not take it well and still have a hard time. If you have been around you probably know I am not a big drinker. I had one drink between last February and now.

A few day’s before he passed I started drinking in the morning and drink until that night. I never drink in the morning or even the afternoon for that matter. But I did that day. I was feeling bad about everything and wanted a drink. A drink I had. Jack and coke and whatever else i found. I couldn’t drink anymore by the time my friend came to check on me.

I wish I could say that was the first and only time something like this happened but it wasn’t. It seem to happen every February sins he passed. I can be doing good trying to keep my mind on other things. But it seems to never fail i hit a low low point that month and I binge drink. I go to work go home get ready and go out with friends. I drink until I can’t drink anymore and drink some more after I get sick. I have drink so much I hardly knew what was going on. The couple of years were the worst slowly just got worse.

I thought of it the other day and it is the end of the month and I haven’t drink or even wanted to drink. I haven’t had that major depressed feeling come over me and slowly get worse until I feel like it is consuming me. Until I just don’t care and drink to not feel or think about it.

I have had a ruff week with everything that happen Monday. Between that and the stress of trying to move and dealing with the Bitch. I hardly slept this last week. Few hours here and there and that is interrupted. I have had horrible dreams, nightmares, and just wake up off and on all night. Last night was a hard night. But it was just pure exhaustion from not sleeping. I sit here and just wanted to cry over everything. But I still didn’t want to drink. I finally just turned everything off and cried myself to sleep. I slept a little but still not a lot. Was still up and down all night and a wake at 6am.

I am just happy it has been a much better February than the last 5.

{February 1, 2021}   Catching Up To Do

I am so disappointed in myself, I was doing good at getting back on truck and posting more often. I derailed again. It has been an extremely bad year for me mentally. I am just starting to feel “normal” again if you can call it that. But as you all know just because thing’s are ruff mentally don’t mean life stops happening. Wouldn’t that be nice if we could just say hey whoa wait a minute life. My heads a little off so just stop and let me catch up straighten things out? But we can’t so we trip and fall along and hope to many people don’t notice. That has been life this year and unfortunately more have noticed than didn’t. I have been trying to put out those fires on top of everything else.

I have to see where we left off and work on getting you all caught up again. I just wanted to let you all know I am here and trying to get back into the swing of things. I need to go back and get caught up on my reading too. I have slacked all around. Sorry guys but you know how that mental rollercoaster ride is. Well a lot of you do. For the ones who don’t know you don’t know how luck you are that you don’t.

I am going to go and figure out where I need to start. I will be back soon.

{December 26, 2020}   Don’t Care Either Way

Something has been bothering me the last few days or more. I feel like it shouldn’t and that I am wrong for being bothered by it. I feel like I am wrong if anything bothers me that someone does. I know it is because of everything I have been through. I always bounce between what should or shouldn’t bother me. Not wanting to over react about things I shouldn’t but then I seem to just keep quiet about everything and just let it eat at me. It is so hard to find the balance between the two.

I also have noticed I don’t care a lot of times either. Someone can ask if I want A or B and I don’t really care just give me one. I am that way with most everything it don’t matter to me as long as it does what I need or want it to do.

I have been so use to everything just being however not having things how I want or what I want. No matter how hard I try just living with good enough. That if I am asked it is like just give me whatever is left or go where everyone else wants to go. Because it is only for here now a short time I can deal with whatever it is for that long. I am use to it.

I feel like if I say what I want, where I want to go or what I want to do it isn’t going to matter anyway. Or I’m not going to get it anyway so why even say it and hear all the why we can’t do something.

Thinking about it the other day the only thing I have really had an opinion on lately and stuck to is moving. When we have been looking for places there are ares around us I would not consider. But then if it is in a area that is decent I am not to worried about the house as long as it has no issues. He will look and be like for that kind of money the house should be in a lot better shape than that. I don’t disagree but it don’t matter it will do the job. I will get out of my house that is falling down around me, away from this bitch, me the kids can live our lives how we want again. He can live with us we can have live our lives. It might night be great but it will work. I would like nicer too but don’t feel I will get it because I never do so just find what I figure I can get into.

It isn’t just with him I am this way I am the same way at work too. The others ask where are we going to eat or do today? I’m just like it don’t matter tell me and I will drive us there.

At home they have been asking what I want for my bday and Christmas. I don’t know I can’t think of anything at all. Because I know it don’t matter unless I say the right thing I won’t get the money to go get it. That is a little different situation but at the same time I don’t really care or feel like going and messing with it.

This post was supposed to be about something else but I think I will put that in a different post. This one kind of took a turn.

I don’t know if I told you all my meds had stopped working about 2 months after I started taking with. They gave me a 3 month supply that was would run out the Middle of December. When she gave them to me she had my come back in 30 days to see how they were working and things. I felt it was to soon but what do I know.

At the time they were working great so we left them alone. But then 2 or 3 weeks later I could tell they were not working. It took about that long before I finally got a hold of them and told them.

I could tell they stopped working because I was a mess again. I just wanted to sleep all day, on edge all the time and I started not sleeping again. That just made me stressed out about everything. I was crying over everything because I was so stressed about everything.

When I talked to her she said they could uo it since it had been working so good. So she doubled it and called in a new script. I started taking two of the ones I had left to finish them off and until I took the time to get the script.

Some how I missed it during the day a few times and would think of it at night. I went ahead and took it because I did not want to miss it. I had read on the papers before I could take them 8 hours apart. I guess some people take two a day instead of one. It said they had to be that far apart. It would be about 12 hours or more by the time I should take it at my normal time so I took it.

I should say I had not noticed much of a difference taking the double other than I was sleeping again. I have calmed down some but I still do not feel the way I did when I took them before or when I got back on them this time. I am not sure if it is just me and the stress I am dealing with or the meds. I think a little of both because I dealt with this stress better before. But I don’t want them to think I am just wanting them to up them or just trying to get pills. I know that isn’t true and these probably wouldn’t do anything for you. But it is just how I feel. Oh and I am in that area where I just don’t want to deal with things. I just don’t care whatever is how I feel about most things.

I took my pill that first night and in a little bit I was tired. Couldn’t hold my eyes open tired. Drop my phone behind the bed 3 times tired. I slept pretty good but then I woke up at like 3 or 4 a.m. I could not get back to sleep. I didn’t think about it being the pill causing it.

But I missed it in the morning a few times and took it at night. When I did I would sleep in no time. So I just started taking it at night so I would fall a sleep earlier at night. I also realized that it is why I am feeling so extremely tired at work for hours and sometimes messing stuff up. I feel like I can’t hold my eyes open and at times have all but fell a sleep sitting at my desk. Even though the bottle says take in the morning I changed it to nights because of that. But now if I get woke up I can not go back to sleep right away it could be hours. If it is past 5 I don’t fall back to sleep at all. I don’t get up till 7. I go to his house. I am there before 730. Once in awhile I will fall back to sleep there for a little bit before I have to get up. Then I don’t want to get up. I just want to sleep. But once I do I am fine the rest of the day.

The dreams are back too I sleep but dream most the night a lot of nights. I can’t tell you anything about them. I don’t dream unless I am stressed. But most nights I still feel pretty rested when I wake up. Where as before I didn’t. But it bothers me that I do it and know it and it bothers me I can’t remember them.

I have awake since before 5 and it is 730 almost and I still have a hour before I leave for work. I am at his house now. Laid back down wanting to sleep a little longer but no such luck.

This is all very odd to me because I’m not a morning person at all. I don’t do stuff in the morning I don’t get up early and take a hour or two to get ready. I wake up get dressed and leave. Of course go to the bathroom all that stuff. But then I go. I get up so I have just enough time to do what I need to do and go. This being awake for hours sucks.

{December 20, 2020}   A Mentally Stressful Night

Saturday I worked so my check wouldn’t be so short because of Christmas. I didn’t get there til 11 because I had to go to the north end of the county before I could head to the south end. The place I needed to go didn’t open until 10:30 an hour after I am supposed to be at work. But it is okay it is Saturday they know I don’t come in early and who knows how many hours I will work. Maybe 4, maybe 8 and possibly 10. I don’t have to be there I am coming because I want to and we all have keys so that isn’t a big deal.

I went in did my 6 hours or so and left. It was already 5 and I wanted to do my normal Sunday shopping on the way home. That way me and JW could just worry about getting everything done for Christmas today.

I stopped by his job as I came by since there was no one there. I figured they were sitting outback. They were he came around as soon as I pulled in. They can hear my truck coming. I talked to him a few and left.

I stopped by his house to let the dog out and to just sit and relax for a few minutes. I needed to check my bank and figure a few things out. I needed to check the mail.

I had his gift I picked up before work in the car and my mothers I picked up after work Friday. I wanted to put them up. I was going to hide his why he wasn’t there.

I decide I am ready to go I go get the dog from outside, make sure they have food and water everything is alright. Now to get the gifts. I go out the door lock and close it and reach for my keys as I am walking to the truck. I locked my keys in the house! You see I locked them in the truck a few weeks ago at Wal-Mart his friend brought me the one he has so I could get in. And now I lock myself out of his house and my truck.

I knew he said the guy next to him had a key. He use to manage the places and then he would let workers in after he stop doing that. So I walked over and ask him if I could get the key. He knows me, knows we are together and I am over there all the time with or without JW. That I was staying there for a bit. Even though we don’t know each other well he knows of me enough to know I belong there he can let me in.

As I said we don’t know each other well just seeing each other in the yard talk for a bit or how are you kind of thing. I have never been in his house nothing like that. I am polite but I don’t get good feeling about him. It bothered me he had a key when I was staying there. I always had the thought he could come in on me at anytime. He knew JW worked 9am to 7/8 pm he wouldn’t be home in between for anything. The way our places sit back no one would know or hear if anything happen. I don’t know why I have the feeling I do around him or about him. He could be fine and nothing to worry about. If JW knew anything I should know he would tell me. But you never know people.

I didn’t want to even go ask him but I did. I knew that was the first thing JW was going to say when I called him. So I went to ask him. I knocked and he ask who it was I told him it was me. It took him a few to open the door. He had on a long white sleep shirt. Down to his feet. Like a gown like guys use to wear way back. Before my time. It wasn’t even 6 pm yet. It seemed odd it seem odd it took him so long to open the door after I told him who it was.

But he open the door I told him what I needed. He said he didn’t know if he still had a key he had to look. He said come in. I didn’t want to be rude but I didn’t want to be in his house either. This feeling was just so strong at this point. I just wanted the key and be out of there done dealing with him. I stepped right inside the door and closed the screen. Stood there with my hand on it. He said it’s dirty in here. I’m dirty in here. He had stuff everywhere. The coffee table was covered you couldn’t see it. I can’t tell you what the rest of the room looked like because I just stood right there watching him. I don’t think I ever took my eyes off of him. I just wanted the key.

Then he says to me I am going to need your help. I just need you to look around on the table tell me if you see any keys. My eyes the way they are I can’t really see. I am thinking in my head does he normally wear glasses? Maybe contacts? But I don’t see him wearing contacts. I can’t remember if he wears glasses or not. But thinking I have seen him enough I should know. Again all that goes through your head in a matter of seconds. I am not liking this at all.

I walk over to the table he says you don’t have to touch anything just tell me if you see keys. He starts moving stuff around. I said right here picked them up before I thought. He says oh ok I think this one or this one is it. I go over try them it isn’t the right ones. There are other keys on there I try them all and nothing works. At this point I am not going back in his house to help look anymore. I call get JW on the phone before I walk over there. He was at the door. I tell him none of the keys work he ask if I am sure says I did something wrong! I am almost 40 I have locked and unlocked doors with keys a million times over. I do it at work every time I come and go through the day. But your right I did something wrong. I did not say this to him just thought it. All the while I just want to leave and away from him. He goes over and tries. He can’t get in either and decides they must of changed the locks. Or whatever just please go home I will figure something out. Again did not say it out loud but just thought it. They have not changed the locks. We have never been given new keys. But at the same time I was kind of glad his key did not work. I feel a little better knowing he has lost the key and can’t get in his place.

I still have JW on the phone we are talking. Buy now guy is walking back to his place. He says look I don’t want you to be stuck he is right up the street. Take my van and go get the key from him. I didn’t really want to even do that but was stuck. I didn’t want JW friend from work to have to bring me a key they are working. So I said okay. At least he isn’t going I am just taking his car and going alone.

I tell JW and he says I don’t know I guess if you are COMFORTABLE doing that. This struck me as odd the way he said it.

I just said yeah I guess he said if your sure okay. His friend said something he told him i was coming to get it. Guess he was going to bring it.. He told him what we were doing. At this point I am in the van moving the seat so I can reach the peddles. This guy is tall and big. JW is still on the phone him his friend are talking. After he tells him what we are doing he tells me his friend is bringing me the key. I said I am in the van about to start it I be there in a few minutes. He said his friend would rather just bring me the key he will be here in a bit. Insistent he was bringing me the key.

I got out took he came back out he been standing at the door. He said something. I said so and so already left to bring me the key. We will just pass each other but thank you and gave him the key back. I started walking back to the house. He asked if I was okay or would be. I said yes. He asked again. I just said yeah he should be here any minute i was going to go wait for him. He said okay.

I wasn’t going over there to hangout until he got there. He hadn’t even left yet if something happen and it took longer. I went back sat on the chair we have by the door. It just seemed odd that he would rather bring me the key then me come and get it. His friend knows this guy pretty well I think. I think they are related some how or he is just a really good friend to some of his family. It just makes me wonder what made him ring it when he found out I was going to come get it. JW said he would rather bring it to you. JW even seemed a little confused as of why.

They say listen to your gut feeling it is telling you something and mine was on high. I have gotten into trucks with guys I just met 2 seconds before two or three times. Let some get in and ride with me before. And never have I felt the way I did yesterday dealing with him.

I am going to say something to JW about it when we get together today. Tell him how I feel about him and ask him not to give him another key. Something just isn’t right with that.

I finally get in the house get my keys and leave. Only to find I forgot and left the packages in the truck. I didn’t care at that point I wasn’t going back. I had the list for the store finally I just wanted to get that done. I go in check on a few things and then get my shopping done.

I come out to get moves from the box and a cop is walking in and going into the little room where they hold shop lifters when they catch them. This is important later. I get my movies and head to the truck.

I get to the truck and I am loading everything into the back. I am parked out on the end of the row furthest from the store. I again am behind my truck. When all of a sudden I hear the worse screaming, crying and yelling. I start looking around and over half way up the row where I am parked is a dark color suv. It is not parked in a space but it is parked in the lane behind the parked cars. There are two people (looked like guys) fighting with a girl/woman trying to shove her in this suv. I am at first just in shock at what I am seeing. She keeps falling on the ground she is managing to keep them from getting her in the car.

I start thinking what do I do call 911 but by the time they get here they may have her in and gone. Go say something maybe others will help. I thought of the cop I seen go in the store. I called 911 and as soon as the lady answered i said I am at x place and one of your guys is in the store to handle something else you need to get him in the parking lot right away. There are people trying to put a woman/girl into a suv.

She started asking me questions and where I was in the parking lot color of suv all that. I told here where I was but it was to dark and i was to far away to tell what color make or anything. By this point the girl is laying on the ground on her side not moving or making a sound. One person is gone one is just standing there. The parking lot is empty. Everyone walked by and went inside or got in their cars and left. Looking the other why as they did. No one said anything or tried to do anything. I was just shocked. I was still trying to load the truck and still on the phone with 911. In a minute the officer was out there she still just laying there.

The 911 lady comes back on and says it is a CHILD throwing a fit and her parents are trying to get her in the car. I said I didn’t know. She said no my officer is there made contact i am telling this is what is going on. I said okay thank you.

What was I supposed to do? Not call go home like everyone else? Then what when I see later someone is missing or found killed. It seems highly unlikely someone would do that right there in the open with people around. But you never know with some people. They are pushed to a point they don’t care. Even if I could of seen it was a man and woman with a child. The way the child was screaming crying and fighting. How am i to know if this is really the mother and father? Even if it was this was to big and gone to far someone needed to step in and calm things down between the three. I would rather call it be nothing than see something bad happen later.

Think about it everyone walked by went in or left no one said anything. This went on for 5 minutes before cops came out. If no one is saying anything even if it wasn’t her parents they could of gotten away because no one thought twice about it. If the cops had not been there already I would of walked up there and said something. Because when you call it takes the cops forever to get to you. By then they could of been gone. I figure at least if you say something and try maybe you can scare them off without taking the kid or at least keep them there until the cops get there. I will cause a bigger scene until others stop and get involved if i have to.

When I left the girl was standing behind the suv talking to the cop. Hopefully they got things worked out.

By the time I got done and got in the truck I just felt mentally wiped out. I just wanted to cry. Between dealing with him and being locked out. My feelings through that and then this happening. I hope today is a better day.

{December 13, 2020}   4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.

{August 1, 2020}   He Called Me Last Nigh

We talked for about an hour last night when he got done with the kids and back to the motel. He messaged me a few times during the day. Something was said. He asked what was wrong. I ask if he would call me later. I told him once he was done for the night before he went to bed was fine if he felt like it. That I didn’t want to get into it right then at work. He said okay he hope everything was alright.

I told him it was fine not to worry go enjoy his time with the kids and graduation. He said okay he would call me. Later that night I was sitting there watching tv and got a few messages. He sent me pictures of him and the kids. He looks so happy. He said he is, he is loving it. They were all out to eat it was kind of late. I didn’t figure I would hear from him. It was okay because I know how it is when you get busy with the kids as it is. But then when he hasn’t seen them in so long and everything going on. I was about to turn everything off and go to bed and the phone rang.

He said his oldest had left before graduation she had to get back to work and they only had so many tickets. The other kids were home and coming to spend the day with him today.

He said he was sitting outside at the motel. He was talking about seeing everyone and talking with all of them. That everything was going well. They all had been decent and just hanging out talking.

He was a little aggravated and said he found some thing’s out he didn’t know before. I guess his son got into some trouble a few years ago. His ex wife tried to call him and the girlfriend answered the phone. She refused to wake him up because he was sleeping. They got into it on the phone. I guess she never told him and the other didn’t call back. I don’t blame her for not calling back. We talked about that I said something about my ex him not knowing anything about my kids. How Little ones dad has only seen her once and things. Some how him and his trip came up.

I told him how we went from him wanting to get married and me to adopt two of his kids. To I don’t want any of this

He was shocked. I thought I had told him before but I guess I hadn’t. It came up he was talking about being glad he left finally and things. How it would of ended bad had he stayed. I said that was how it was with my ex husband. But that it was hard when it was me and RC. Because we had only had one real fight and where we were at when he did this. So i was blindsided. How I help him find his daughter encouraged him to and was done this way. He was shocked. It isn’t something I talk about or tell many people so I may not have told him.

We ended up talking for an hour. His mom was going to sleep everyone was gone. He went in shortly after we started talking and she was laying down. So at least I didn’t feel bad about keeping him on the phone. He didn’t seem in a hurry to get off either. He said a few times I miss you so much. It’s going to be so hard to leave but I want to come home and see you. I tossed and turned and this morning I kept waking up you weren’t there. I am so use to you being there in the mornings.

He was talking about the kids he said I held it together when my oldest left but it was so hard. He said I didn’t want to let her go and wanted to cry. Knowing its going to be so long or who knows how long before I am going to see them. I said I told you let’s move up there be closer to your kids have all the kids close. He didn’t miss a beat he said lets do it. Lets pack and go. I said I really mean it honey. He said me too I would love to be closer to my kids. Even if we went to South Carlina it isn’t far it is right over the boarder.

I told him my friend wants me to go to SC next month for 3 or 4 days a week. He ask if I was going I said I didn’t know. I needed to work and things. He said what about the kids? I said honey she wants all of us to come. He said oh I thought she just wanted you. I said no honey they are like family they love my kids my kids love them. They want us all to come. He sounded a little surprised. He said I have to work I have my trip in December. I said I know. I probably won’t get to go because I am just staying a float right now. I can’t afford to take off. It would be so nice to live closer to them all we could drive over for the day or what. I said if I went next month I may not come back. Not even to get my stuff. I may just stay and not come back at all. He said I don’t blame you one bit. It is so nice being with my kids, I just want to see and be with you too. I said you know I’m down to move and told you I go to Ga or Tenn to be closer to your kids. He said I could go back to work over there where I was working you could find office something really easy. Let’s do it lets move. So I guess we are going to talk about that when he gets back. Hope make a solid plan and start looking for areas and houses and jobs. He sounded so happy on the phone and looked so happy in the pictures he sent. I think he had just forgot what it was like to be out of here and away from here. To be with his kids and things.

He had been in the situation he was in down here for so long with his ex girlfriend and stayed cut off from everything and everyone for so long. When you live like that with the drinking and abuse so long you get out you don’t know what to do or how to react because it’s like the would moved on without you and you are in this time warp like trap. I think this made see there are still people who care and really do want him around and don’t hold it against him that he wasn’t there as he should of been and things. I can’t wait until he gets back we get to talk.

I never did come out and tell him what was bothering me on the phone. I told him about RC leaving going on his trip and all that. But because we were talking about something else. I don’t think he put 2 and 2 together. Be didn’t know what was really going on how I was feeling.

After we hung up I messaged him told him thank you for calling me we never talk on the phone. I didn’t want to bother him why he was away.

He said thanks for what? I told him for calling me. He said I told you I would. I said I know I didn’t want to ask you to and bother you on your trip. But it has been a hard few days. I told him how everything about RC hit me the other morning before I got out of bed. He said he was sorry and I wasn’t bothering him. He was sorry he wasn’t here for me. I told him it was something I just need to deal with if it wasn’t now it would be another time. If he hadn’t went now then I would be dealing with it at Christmas. So I am glad it is now. I told him I knew things were different. But just dealing with all the thoughts popping up.

Like I said before, you can work on yourself forever but there are somethings that just can’t be dealt with or worked on until you are dealing with it again. If i was with someone and they never went on a trip it would never be an issue. But I am with someone he went away and it has hit. Now I have to work on it and fix or heal that part. Seeing that he calls or messages why he is gone and comes home and everything is fine is what is going to let me work through it. That is what is going to let me be okay next time or one day down the road. it may take a few trips before I stop feeling the way I do. Who knows. But it is a start. If this storm lets him he will be home tomorrow around 4 i think. If he gets delayed because of the storm then hopefully Monday sometime. I hope it is tomorrow I kind of hope it is Monday. Monday early we could spend some time together.

I am still having thoughts my mind going over all the what if’s and just over all missing him.


{July 31, 2020}   Maybe He will Leave Too

Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.    Steve Maraboli

I seen the above picture and saying and it just fit my day so well unfortunately. I think I told you all about J.W. going away for his daughter’s high school graduation and 19th birthday. With the covid mess graduation was put off as most were. It is finally here. I hadn’t really thought about it. I am happy for him. He is going to get to see all 3 of his kids, brother and mom. He hasn’t seen them in awhile.

I took the morning off to drive him to the airport. I got up and went over like always. He was packed and ready so we slept for a bit. Then got up and went to get his hair cut and head out. I wanted to go get breakfast but I got the times messed up. He was leaving an hour earlier than I thought. So we went got coffee and gas and I dropped him off.

But as soon as I open my eyes this morning before I could roll over and get off the bed these thoughts went through my head.

R.C. went on a trip, he went to see his kid, he flew there for a few days and flew home. You know what happen then he left you. He didn’t want anything to do with you. Isn’t it interesting JW’s flying out to see his kids, you’re not going, his ex is going to be there too. He hasn’t seen or talked to her in years. Wonder what he’s going to do when he gets back? He’s probably going to get rid of you too. You have so much baggage why wouldn’t he? This is the perfect time. He can just come home ignore you or tell you how great it was to see his ex and he don’t want this anymore.

All this went through my mind in a matter of seconds as I open my eye’s and rolled over. I was already bothered by having to go to the next county to take him to the airport. I hate driving over there with all the highways and roads criss crossing and tolls. I didn’t need or want to deal with these thoughts and feelings on top of it. I tried to forget it. I kept telling myself it wasn’t true, he isn’t like that, things are different between us. All the things you tell yourself when you have these thoughts. But you know how that is, it don’t work.

I kept wanting to ask him if we were alright? If anything was wrong? I wanted to ask him if he was sure he was happy with us or if there was anything he wasn’t happy with. I did manage to get through the morning without saying anything to him. But later realised I was kind of distant and withdrawn.

I posted a different saying or what on Facebook. Later after work I was talking to Bff and she asked what it was about. I broke down and could hardly tell her. She was thinking about RC but not about his trip. Then she said oh yeah I forgot about that. We were talking. She kept saying he is nothing like RC he loves you so much you can see it and the way he treats you and does for you. I know it but i can’t stop the thoughts.  I went to the fast food place to get a float and their machine was down. I went to back out of line and turn around and I backed into the car behind me. He was so close I did not see him in any of my mirrors. I got out all I could do was tell him how sorry I was i didn’t see him. His car looked fine mine did he said everything was good not to worry about it. I always look around me. I don’t just use my mirrors but I was just upset and tired. Just looked at them and went.

I still want to message JW see what he is doing and ask him if we are okay. I have heard from off and on all day. He told me he was there then after work he told me he was at the room with his mom and one of his daughters. We talked about the accident a little. When he told me he was at the motel he told me he wish i had come with him and how he missed me later.

But now I lay here it is a little after 12 and I thinking why hasn’t he said anything? Why hasn’t he said goodnight or I love you? Something must be wrong. He must be mad about something. He is to busy to even say goodnight. He must not really care or he would of. RC didn’t call or message you either other than to tell you what you did wrong or didn’t do. I know it is crazy not true but it makes me feel so sick. He is gone for 3 more days. He will be back Sunday evening around dinner time. I just don’t know if I will make it without saying something. I don’t want to mess his trip up.

{July 17, 2020}   Re: A Mental Breakdown

After writing A Mental Breakdown

last night I kept thinking about it and how bad it was and why. It has been over 25 years or more since I was that bad. It hit me, I wonder if my birth control caused it? Not so much the low but caused it to be so extreme.

When they gave them to me they only gave me the first 3 months. They said when I started the 3rd months worth to call and come back in. We would see how they were working, how I liked them and feeling. They said it takes about 3 months for them to get in your system and everything even out. I had just open the 3rd pack and started taking them. I think I have the rest of this week and next weeks left before I start the placebo (sugar) pills.

I may have made it worse because I skipped the sugar pills in the first two packs. I am wondering if not having that little bit of a break those weeks and not having my period those two months probably was the perfect storm to end up like I did. When I went in to pick up the rest of the years worth I didn’t tell them how I felt or what. But I also wasn’t at the worse when I was there.

I told them they were great, I wasn’t sick like I was in the past taking them. I wasn’t moody or angry like in the past. I didn’t lose my sex drive. It went up. Only real thing I noticed was wanting to eat more. I am so use to feeling stressed and depressed I didn’t put two and two together. But I think they made it so extreme.

Now I am not sure what to do. I don’t know if the worse is over or the worse is yet to come. I don’t want to stop taking them but I don’t want to be like that either. I am hoping things are evening out now and that won’t happen again. If it does I hope I am with it enough to think of it and stop taking them.

I was going to tell JW about it and that is what I think is going on. I keep forgetting to. We were messaging earlier after I got home and I told him. I am going to talk to him more about it tomorrow probably. Tell him if I start getting that way or get bad again to remind me so I can stop taking them. I should remember but any of you who have been through it or deal with it know how it is. You don’t think straight. You can’t think straight. So if he says something or notices things i don’t or what he can say something as well.

Told him tonight i was scared and that I had not been that bad in 25 years. He seemed worried. He don’t know how I was back then he wasn’t really in the picture much. We haven’t talked about it. I am going to have to tell him more. I have always told him i deal with depression. Not like I have hidden it. I just haven’t talked to him about how bad it has been or could of been the other week.

{July 15, 2020}   A Mental Breakdown

I use to go for months without hitting an extreme low. It also would take a lot to push me to the point of an extreme low. And now I just feel like they are coming closer together and they are coming fast and strong. Since this “pandemic” started and I lost my job. It seems like I will have a few good days, an okay few days and then some dragging days before I fall into the black hole of no hope. I just want to cry and feel hopeless. I can’t even hold back the tears and keep myself from crying hardly. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I feel guilty about that because of the kids and JW.

I felt this so deep inside the week leading up to 4th of July all I did was cry. It was hard to hide from the kids and I couldn’t from JW. I would get there to see him just hug him and stand or sit there and cry. I felt bad he kept asking what was wrong. All I could say was I didn’t know.

I didn’t, it wasn’t any one thing or 20 things. Just having to be awake a function was enough to do it. Much less everything else on top of it. I know he was getting a little upset or aggravated with me. But I don’t even know how to explain any of it to him. If you don’t live it and haven’t studied it you just really don’t understand.

I want to explain it to him so he knows what it really is. I think if he understood or really knew he could help me more when I start to feel bad or start to get that way. I don’t know how to tell him. I just tell him my depression gets bad sometimes, sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t know if he could help so much as he wouldn’t say some thing’s he says maybe.

A few times I said I didn’t want to get up I just want to sleep all day. He say’s then do it, you need the rest, you deserve to. The other day I said I was laying here dreading the thought of getting up and functioning. It was already after 2pm maybe closer to 3 and I had not been up yet. He laughed, I just felt worse. I know he didn’t mean anything by it and just seen it as a joke or just off hand just feeling lazy and my way of saying.

But I really felt that way. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having to get up and function. I felt like I hadn’t slept in 3 days just thinking about getting up. Him laughing made me feel some kind of way.

I need him to tell no I can’t stay in bed, i need him to tell me we have to get things done lets go get it taken care of. I need him to just tell me no get your ass up and get dressed get out of the house. I don’t need him to tell me everything is going to be alright, it’s okay stay in bed, I don’t need him to fix anything or make it better. I just need him to be there, be understanding, kick me in the ass and just hold me and let me cry once in awhile.

My mind goes straight to he didn’t sign up for this, he puts up with enough from you, when he figures out and understands what is going on he is going to leave you. I really don’t think so. But that is how my mind works and the things I think.

I felt so bad I went to my bed before dark and stayed for the 4th. I laid here and cried and felt guilty. I felt guilty for not taking the kids and do stuff. I felt guilty for not going with JW to his friends and taking the kids. I felt guilty because he was 2 doors away and I didn’t want to be with him. Wait I wanted to be with him I just wanted him to be here with me in my bed holding me let me just relax and calm down. I felt guilty for complaining about the fireworks 🎆. Because a good amount were from his friends who were putting them off. But I was just miserable.

I hadn’t felt that bad in an extremely long time. Like probably since I was young and first started dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. It was scary. All I could think was I didn’t want to hurt myself but I wanted something to happen to me. Then I would think I wonder if something did happen how would I feel the last few seconds? Would I be happy because it would all be over? Or would I want to live and not really want to die? Would I even have enough time to think about it and feel anyway about it? Would I know that is what was happening or would I not even know until it happen it was over? Would I feel anyway?

Is that crazy to have such thoughts? I don’t remember ever having such thoughts. I have felt the way I felt and not wanted to function, not been able to get out of bed and things. But never felt it the way I did then. I even went twice looking for father of the year to start shit with him. I wanted him locked up, right now, i wanted him to get his ass beat. I wanted to go off on him for what he has done to my son and the fact my 9 year old son is dealing with a ton of anxiety over him leaving and cutting contact like he did. I wanted to give him hell for being such a sorry SOB. i wanted to go see his grandma. I don’t know why or what I wanted to accomplish or thought I would by doing that but I wanted to go.

I really did not like the way I felt or the thoughts I was having at all. I was even thinking about places to go that could help me or where I could go to get help. I was wondering what they would or could do for me. I was scared to even try or ask because I was scared what they may do or say. I was really scared they may put me in the psych ward. I could not do that. I have been there to visit someone and heard them talk about it. All that would of made it 100x worse. I can’t be locked in searched watched and all that. It would trigger me more than I was already. I was scared they would medicate me more than I really need and with stronger stuff than what I need.

I kept thinking I just needed away from everything. I just needed this and that. Maybe if they kept me I would at least get a break from everything. But knew it would be a bigger mess to deal with once I got out if they did keep me.

I feel better a lot better this week. I’m not real sure why or what snapped me out of it. Thinking about thing’s I don’t really remember last week at all and what went on or happened between the 4th and this past weekend. I just know between then and now is like a 360 degree turn. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime ever again.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: