Single___Parent___Life











{July 4, 2020}   So Far Gone

I have been dealing with a lot and blind sided by a lot the last month. Dealing with my depression on top of it I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in my bed. I pretty much have. Other than going to work by to see J.W and that is about it. I have to force myself up and then physically hurt and feel sick all day and like I can’t keep my eyes open. By the time I go to bed at night I lay there toss, turn and dream all night and hardly sleep. I have tried going to bed earlier, later and even hooking the tv up. Nothing helps.

As bad as I have wanted to get on here and write I haven’t even been able to force myself. To do that. It’s just something else on my list of stuff to do. Yesterday I was so exhausted and overwhelm with everything, I just started crying on my drive home after work. I got to J.W’s job he was out front. He came over to talk for a minute. He open the door and was like what is wrong? All worried. Then we talked once he got off and we got to his house. I felt some better after we talked. Not better like everything is fine now or going to be alright. But just a release I guess of everything I have been dealing with and not dealing with that has been adding up. I did finally sleep last night. I woke up and was woken up a few times and dreamed some. But for the most part i slept and slept hard.

I didn’t get to see him or talk to him this morning. I had an 8 a.m at the clinic. It is closer to work than home and him. I could of stop on my way but it would of only been for seconds and that is it.  Not worth waking him up to come to the door and say hi and bye. Because that is all it would of been. That was a waste of time going to the clinic because I was the 2nd person there and signed in. They said computers were down but that was it. I figured they could give me my 9 months of pills anyway since they are filled and laying there. They do a test no computer needed just a cup pee and a stick. Then hand you the bag of pills. Well they start calling people to do their test. They took the one girl who was in front of me and then 3 who came after me. Then a lady comes out and says did they tell you the computers are down? I said so can they do anything or are we just waiting for them to come back up? She said no they couldn’t do anything they had to wait because all records are kept on the computer and not being able to see everything from before they can’t do anything. I waited until around 830 and left. I had to be at work in an hour I could of waited 30 more minutes or so. But even if I had they had not done anything for me and those other 4 were in front of me. So I would of been there well past time for me to be at work. I got to work about 45 minutes early and clocked in. That was that.

I called later to set up a new time told them I had left earlier and why. She said oh we got computers back about 9:15. So 15 minutes before I had to be at work. I am glad I hadn’t waited and left when I did. I am going late next Tuesday to work because I have to be at the place to get my eyes checked at 11:15. It is on the other end of the county from work and closer to home. It would make no since to go to just have to leave.

It has taken me 2 or 3 days just to write this. Friday was another shit show dealing with my “boss” i was so mad I left without even getting my purse. All I have done for days is cry or fight crying. I feel so alone and i dont even know what. Jw don’t get it. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I say I want to go to bed not get up he says go i need to rest. I say im dreading having to get up and function he laughs. I just want to lay down go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so far gone. I don’t even know if or how I can or will come through it or come out. I don’t really want to. I just want to be done. He says sorry. I just want to yell at him shut up you don’t fucking get it. But i know it isn’t his fault he is only trying to help.

I am so bad I don’t even want to go around him or talk to him. I have thought about telling him maybe we need to take a break. Or just forget it. At the same time i just want him to hold me and make me feel better.

I am so over this bitch in my house still have not gotten rid of here. Wish something would just happen or she would leave.  She brainwash the kids they are going to get sick die if they walk out of the house. I Don’t care im going to bring it home give it to them. Everything else. They are scared to get close to me. I don’t know how to get rid of her. I’ve tried everything. This virus bullshit don’t help.

 

 



{May 22, 2020}   6 Days In,

And so far doing pretty good. As I am sure you all probably remember from my post last week Emotional Break Down

I started a low-dose birth control pill and I was worried about taking it. When I took them in the past I did not do well on them. But it really was my only option so I decided to try it. Rather than keep trusting what I have been. Don’t get me wrong I love natural family planing and have used it for years, and used it for years before. But I don’t feel it is the best for me to use at this point in life. Seeing as I do not want anymore kids, me and J.W don’t get a lot of time alone and never know when that is going to be and I worry about it all the time. I don’t know what I would do if I ended up pregnant at this point in life.

I started the pill Sunday when I was supposed to and was a little worried. Okay more than a little worried. I had horrible mood swings, felt physically sick, had no libido and just over all nasty. So I just took it and tried to forget it and not think about it. Wasn’t hard to do as busy as we are at work right now. I take it between 1 and 130 every day. I figured that was a good time because I go to lunch then. I don’t like to take anything when I first get up in the morning and didn’t want to deal with it in the evening or at night when I am so tired and other things to do. I set my alarm already so I won’t forget at lunch or if I am busy and work through lunch or take it early. But I know that being busy in the evening I will turn the alarm off and forget it. This way it is right there in my purse at my desk and I have my drink right there. I can just stop and take it.

I haven’t really noticed any thing to bad. I have been a little moody here and there but not anything that sticks around. I haven’t been feeling depressed lately, I have been in a pretty good mood over all. But I am only 6 days in. I hope that over the next few days/weeks that things don’t change.

Because it looks as if that is going to be what I am going to have to use for a while. I don’t make enough to pay over $300 for for insurance for just myself. I make to much to get Medicaid but am to below poverty level to get help on the market place to get insurance there. I reapplied for medicaid hoping the kids would get their’s back since I lost a job. Thank goodness they did. I on the other hand didn’t even get share of cost so I have no coverage what so ever if anything happens.

I did find out today I can get dental and vision insurance at work for around $30 a month. I do not have to have the medical in order to get them. I am going to cancel a few things and bite the bullet and get it. I really need to get new glasses the ones I have are over three years old and I can tell my eyes are worse. I am have got to get something done with my teeth. I hope to go to the local place over here and get them pulled. I think I can get them done for next to nothing. Then hope that I can use the insurance to get the new ones. If it won’t pay for new ones to at least pay a chunk of the cost or most of the cost for new ones. If not then I have been told that the owner at work will help get them done and then take a little out of your check each month. If he would take a little a month not a chunk each week or huge chunk each week.

All I can do with it all is wait and see and hope it works out.



I don’t know what is triggering everything but I feel like a mess. I am all over the place, but mostly just want to sleep and can’t sleep. I feel tired all the time. But then lay awake half the night or most of it. If I am not laying awake I am waking up every little bit. Everything is off with everything going on. I don’t know what to do with myself right now since I have went from 65 hours a week to 40. I should have a ton of time to do extra stuff but there is nothing to do because we are locked down and everything is closed. Highlight of the week is grocery shopping on the weekend.

Even with the extra hours I feel like I get no time to do anything that I want to do. Or I am to tired feeling to want to do it. I have no motivation to do anything. Then I stress about what I don’t get done that I should be or could be. I told JW I want to go back to 65 hours a week again I was happier. I knew what I was doing. How do you just switch your brain to working all the time to not being able to do hardly anything at all?

I am not getting to see JW near as much as I was before all this happen. I leave about 2 hours early for work and top at his place. I lay back down with him until he gets up and gets ready for work. Then we go to the little store and i drop him at work at 9 and from there I am at work by 915/930. I work until 630 most nights and pick him up on my way home at 7. If I need to go to the store or what I do but most nights I don’t. He most the time don’t get off until 715 or later anymore. They have been so slammed lately it is unreal. By the time he gets off we get to his house it is 730 or after. He has to take the dog for a walk as soon as he gets home so I just leave and go home most the time. Once in a while I will walk with him then leave. Then I am home for the night by 8. I spend it sitting in my room watching tv or messing around on my phone. Once in a while I will call him and talk to him for a while. Me, him and Little Bitty will laugh and joke around on the phone for a while then I go to sleep. Well try to.

I think a lot I am having trouble with too is the fact that me and JW are not getting time together other than mostly just pick him up drop him off to and from work. Friday and Saturday I don’t get to see him other than when I drop him off Friday morning because he gets off late. Before all this started I was going to see him a lot of time on Saturday night once I got done with the kids and doing things with them. I would give them dinner they would settle for the night I would go see him. Now I can’t do that right now.

It is getting to me that we are not getting that time together. I am not getting the down time I was getting before. I am not getting the us time that we were getting. We are hardly having sex and that is a huge problem for me as well. I know that probably sounds bad but it is true. It is not satisfying when we do, it hardly seem worth it. Most the time I just end up more frustrated and upset than if we had done nothing. It’s rushed and I can’t get into it or about the time I do I got to go or we got to get to work or something. He can tell something is wrong and ask what. I just tell him nothing. I don’t know what to say or how to explain it to him. I don’t want him to feel like it is his fault. I know a lot of it is the way I feel too that is causing me problems as well.

I want to tell him but I don’t want him to feel it is him or upset him. when it isn’t his fault. He knows that I am having a hard time with everything else he don’t know how big of a deal sex really is to me and how much it can and does help or how much it can make things worse. Is that weird? I know it isn’t and why but it seems weird to me too. It has always been a way for me to relax. When I am in a relationship my mood and things are a lot better. I am happier, feel a lot better and deal with things better. It isn’t just because I have help, it is the closeness, bond and them being there. The time we spend together at night after everything is done, the kids are in bed and we can just sit and talk about the day, life and make plans. Go to bed together and wake up together.

When I wasn’t in a relationship I would go see my “friend”. It wasn’t the best but it helped give me the release and boost I needed.

Even if it is rushed at least it helps me decompress. But lately I’m not even getting that out of it. Then he wants to know what is wrong. I just want things to be different and I don’t see things being any different than they are for a long time and that stresses me out even more. I Feel bad for feeling the way I do and worry about some of the thoughts I have had. Then feel bad about those.



{April 12, 2020}   Blew Up My Car

On the 5th of March on my way to my night job I blew up my car. I was able to get off the off ramp of the interstate and it died on me. I was blocking traffic and everyone was having a fit and honking. It was 5 something in the evening time everyone was getting off work. Do you know how many so called “guys” honked and yelled at me and never offered to help? Mostly the ones who were was guys. One lady in scrubs pulled over and helped me push it out of the road. Good thing it was my little car. I was mad and done at that point. I couldn’t find anyone to help me. I called bff she was working no to far away so she came and picked me up. But my car was still stuck there.

I had been talking back and fourth to J.W and he called his best friend to see if he could come get me and it off the side of the road. He was all worried about the transmission and messing it up. He said your not supposed to tow cars like that with a rope. I told him I was not worried about that it was probably shot any way and I just needed it off the side of the road. I told him to tell him I didn’t care if it messed it up and would not hold him responsiable or want him to fix it. I just wanted him to get it off the side of the road. He said he would do it but he was out on the boat fishing he wasn’t sure when he would be back. I figured he was saying it because he still didn’t want to do it but didn’t want to tell J.W no. I called my Good Friend and asked him about it and why we shouldn’t tow it like that. He said really you shouldn’t tow any car like that it has always been said not to. But that if you weren’t flying and took it easy it should be fine. I said oh well hell I have towed so many cars like that it isn’t even funny. I even towed my one truck that way it was 4 wheel drive. That I found out later you are not supposed to tow like that at all. I didn’t know that at the time.

I called Mr. Responsible I wanted to see if his friend with the truck would come tow it for me. His old roommate. He couldn’t because he was already having transmission problems and couldn’t even work because he couldn’t tow his trailer with it.

J.W called and messaged around and was trying to find someone else but couldn’t find anyone either. I went with Bff and headed back toward home with her. By the time we were getting close to my area J.W called and asked where I was at and said he found someone to come get it for me. I told him I was almost back home. I asked him if I should get dropped off at his job or his house then? He said go ahead to his house the guy was on his way to his job to get him they would stop and pick me up. That is what we did.

We got there he hooked it up with a chain and we got turned around and back on the road. I thought we were going to go down the other road or other main road that would not have much traffic. We got back out on 95. Well he had me chained really close to him. I felt like I was against the tailgate of his truck and then he had his flashers on and they were reflecting off my car and his tailgate blinding me. Something else was wrong. I started to tell J.W to call him and tell him to stop I couldn’t do this we needed to fix somethings. Oh the fact he used a chain not a strap or rope was really bothering me as well. I don’t like to use chains to tow things and as close as I was to the back of the truck being on a chain bothered me. And the fact that I was chained so close behind him I could not see around him to see what was going on or what was coming up. It was a huge mess.

J.W did not have his phone number and couldn’t call him to get him to stop, turn his flashers off or anything else. We were coming off the on ramp as he is telling me this and I have semi trucks and everything else flying around me and by me. I started to go into full blown panic attack. I could’t help it everything was so wrong and I couldn’t get him to stop. It was like being on a fair ride that you couldn’t get them to stop and let you off of. But you were responsible for stopping both of you but only when the time came and they were ready. But you can’t see what is going on to know when you need to start stopping everything.

Poor J.W, was trying to help and calm me down and telling me this and that. I yelled at him, I can’t, you don’t understand. He tried to say something else and I yelled at him to just stop and not say or do anything. He just looked at me like he didn’t know what to do or say and started to say sorry. I just said I can’t you have to stop. He just sat there. All this is happening with in seconds or minutes as I am being drug down the on ramp and snatched out onto the road.

Once we got out there everything was past us, I was able to calm myself down and come to terms with it all and figure out how to work with what was happening. I am shocked I was able to calm myself down enough so fast to be able to do what I needed to do. I was able then to talk to J.W the rest of the way and he helped me some once I figured out what I needed. My friend was at work I couldn’t take it to his shop. I didn’t want it at my house because I didn’t know what I was going to do with it or who was going to work on it or what. I didn’t want it done here. I have enough issues with the people complaining and starting about whatever they can around here. We took it to JW’s house and I got a ride home from there.

I dropped the kids at school and started walking over to his house to get some things and to either walk to work or go catch the bus and get to work. My Good Friend messaged asked where I was at. I told him walking and where. He said he would be there in a bit he was on his way to the car to look at it. A few minutes or less later JW’s friend pulls up and picked me up. I guess he was on his way to go somewhere before work and seen me. He took me over and dropped me off and my friend met me there. He said he was pretty sure it was to far gone to make it worth fixing. But they would come get it take it to the shop and figure it out from there. I told him just leave it there i didn’t know what I was going to do I wasn’t fixing it if it was that big of a problem. JW’s friend picked him up for work. He dropped us of there and went to do some other things and then came and took me to work. I think I called in to my night job that night.

I called around to scrap yard and junkyards and found a place that said they would come pick it up and give me $300 for it. That was twice what anywhere around me wanted to give me. Good Friends said his brother would maybe buy it from me but he only wanted to give me scrap price and said that he called the junk yard and they said $125 to $150. I told him I found the place for $300 he said if I could get that to jump on it and take it because that was really good right now and twice what others wanted to give. I told him I knew I had been calling and that they were supposed to come get it the next day at 12.

I don’t know if I got a ride or walked to J.W’s house but I got over there and they came and gave me the money and took it. I cleaned it all out before they got there so it was ready to go. My friend drove me to Melbourne to look at one Mr. Responsible friend had but then the friend wasn’t there when we got there. It was getting late I just went home. I got up the next day and rented a truck for the week so that I could get to and from work and not lose a job or hours. Then Saturday I took it and went to find something Saturday. I came home with one too. I got a good deal and a really nice truck.

It is the same as my other just different motor and it isn’t 4 wheel drive. But the guy who bought it new was Ford mechanic and the guy I bought it from had money to keep it up and make sure it had no problems. New tires less than 10,000 miles on them, new a/c newer front end a year or two old and other things. Anything known to be a problem or go out has been fixed. The heat even works on in it. I haven’t had heat in a car in 10 years probably. I am so much happier with it than my little car. I really need the extra room. The kids are so much happier too.

I can’t right now but I want to have it painted. I am thinking about this color green……

I want to fix it up nice. It is in great shape, no rust two tiny dents thats it really. Few little things inside i want changed thats it really. I want to fix it because it is in such good shape. I don’t want it to be something that in a few years from now is a mess because the little things were let go not taken care of. I want to finally take one and do it just how I want it done. Paint seats everything. My project. Do little things when i have extra to spend on me. It has rims the grill guard. I want to paint it, get my seat covers for it. Maybe a few other things here and there as i go.

All J.W friends are like oh wow, we knew she wanted an suv. We thought she was getting a little Mountaineer or something small like that. Not something big and tuff badass like that. He just laughs says no she wanted something big with room. She had one before her car wanted another one. They can not believe what I paid for it. They blown away I gave so little for it.

J.W teases me all time about wanting a big truck. Me and big trucks. Then I told him I found something and pulled up in it. He just laughed was talking about how nice it was and then looked worried. He said how much did you pay for it? I told him he was like what? Really? That’s all or a down payment? You’re not making payments are you? I said yes that is all no payments. The title is right there. Not that it really mattered if I was making payments. But he knows it would be a stretch for me and not give me any wiggle room with hours. And i would be stressed out until it was paid off. That if i had to make payments i would end up way over paying for it.

We did some repo’s i parked them at his house to make it easier for them to be picked up. I needed my truck moved so i could park the repo. I gave him the key asked him to move it. He backed up and turned pulled around the yard and parked. I parked the repo got out to go inside he got out. He said wow I really like driving that. I want a big truck now. I busted out laughing. He said what? I said you drove it a few feet through the yard and listen to you. Your hooked already. He just smiled said what i like it.

I told him he can take it in his trip at Christmas tine if he wants to. He wants to state hope and pick up his kids. All go see his mom. He laughs. I mean it. I had already told him before he could.

Okay for now that is one of the big changes since this stay home lockdown, might be locked down mess started. Stay turned more big adventurers to come soon.



As you all know from my other post I feel this whole shut down was uncalled for. If they had not done it there would be no need for these checks. But it is only right that if the government is going to randomly shut everything down or close to everything down for no good reason they should have to do something to help the people out. And really this isn’t even a drop in the bucket compared to how much people are really losing over all this. But it is better than nothing.

But they should not tell people one thing and do something else. When they first signed everything and said it was going to happen they said that everyone would get them no matter what as long as you met the income limit. They brought up people who owed back taxes, student loans, child support and other things they normally take tax money for. They said no this was not affected by that. They were not taking them you would get them.

Because I said to J.W. that they would probably take his for back support he owes. He said no they said they said we would get it because of what is going on they are trying to make sure everyone gets what they need. He was planing on trying to get a car with it. Or at least pay and fix his license and put the rest up for a car. He was excited because it would help him get ahead some. Not have to borrow money or save forever to do it. I told him I would pay to get his license if he wanted to put it toward a car and just pay me back weekly or monthly. Because I was taking a chunk of mine putting in savings for rent. His boss will let him borrow money but she charges him all this interest on it. This way he isn’t paying that and wasting money and can get it paid off quicker. He wants to buy his cousin who pasted away last years truck from his aunt. But she won’t take payments because one of the other kids did that and never paid her for the car. I can understand that. But there is not point in having the thing if he can’t drive it and it don’t need to sit for to long either. It isn’t a lot to get his license back either. It would help him, he has helped me and others have helped me as well. I am in a spot I can help someone then I will. Just a lot more careful about it than before.

Anyway today I went over and seen him before he had to go to work. He went Easter shopping with me. We stopped at the little store to get coffee and some how checks came up because they should be coming out this week. He said that he isn’t getting one now, they have decided to take them for back support owed. He wasn’t happy I don’t blame him.

We went on finished getting our coffee and got in line and I thought of it. If they are doing that then I will get $1200 extra because Father of the Year owes almost $6000 in back support. I looked at him and said that means I will get extra. I was kind of excited about it but not that he wasn’t getting any but that father of the year is sitting there thinking he is going to get this check for doing nothing after he has everything else handed to him and now he isn’t getting it.

J.W. didn’t like that, he got a little aggravated I think. I don’t blame him I really wasn’t trying to sound excited or rub it in. It was just one of those things where you think of something and it is like oh yeah wow or duh I’m just thinking of that. He said I’m getting nothing and your getting it or getting extra. I said hey now I am not getting yours, I have nothing to do with why you are not getting yours. He said I know that isn’t what I mean. I said my situation and yours are two different things. I feel he should get his, should Father of the Year get his no.

Out of 4 cases mine and three others I know about personally who involve child support they do not handle any of it like they should. They let people like Father of the Year skate by and do nothing to him and then ones who are paying or trying to pay do right they make it harder on. You all see how they have done my case and how it has taken them 7 years to even order a dna test on RC.

Then there is J.W case who had an agreement with his ex and was paying who they stepped in and decided that wasn’t good enough or what. Changed it up he wasn’t able to make the payments they wanted him to make so now he is behind. They went to his house and picked him up on his way out the door to go to work and arrested him until someone paid to get him out. He owes no more current child support, just what he is behind and they are still taking his taxes every year and now his check like this.

Then there is my boss who is over paid in support his ex owes him and they keep taking money every pay day out of his check and sending in. They told him they won’t stop taking it out they will just hold it and send him a refund every 3 or 4 months. That is his money that is money he don’t owe and could use but they are going to take it and hold it for no good reason until they decide to give it back to him. He has been to court and everything else over it. The judge ordered it stopped. They did for like a month or two and started again. Because they didn’t like the wording the judge used. Even though they can see that he is paid ahead for x amount of time and the order says it is and that it needs to stop. He was still going around about it a few moths ago. I seen the order and things because he was using the computer at work to type a letter up and send them trying to get it stopped again.

Then there is Bff’s he pays when he wants and what he feels like paying. He is behind now and the only reason he is paying at all now is because it got to the point they were going to take his drivers license away and he would lose his CDL. He don’t want to lose that because he will lose his job. He is an over the road truck driver. So he pays just enough to keep his license and that is it. They don’t care and do nothing to him over it. Let him get away with it.

I know that Father of the Year did not file taxes in years so he will get a paper check so I don’t know how long it will take for them to send it and for me to get it. But I don’t care, it will help whenever it comes. I forgot until I talked to Bff that she owes back support as well so they aren’t going to get anything at all.

I guess it isn’t so much the checks as again the child support office who picks and chooses who to do what to and don’t go after the real deadbeats.



{March 30, 2020}   Here and Healthy

I haven’t been on in awhile, with all that is going on with this virus and everything closing things have been crazy. 3 out of 4 kids ended up with the flu. Not sure how me and Mr.9 did not get it (knock on wood) but I am happy we haven’t. Everyone who had it is over it now and going stir crazy.

We are under some kind of stay home order, I don’t really know the details. I have to go to work and am the only one who drives and able to get us stuff so life is pretty much normal for me. We haven’t been going out on the weekends. Everything is closed as for entertainment. People are still going fishing, to the beach, boating and other outdoor things.

I go to work shop once a week and go see my boyfriend after work and before I go if I have time. We get lunch or dinner and go to the little store. Everything to eat is take out nothing is open to eat in. We get it take it to work or back to his place.

The kids are getting set up to start school on line come Monday. That should be loads of fun with a 1st grader. I think Mr. 9 should be okay. They have packets they could pick up and do but I already did this. If it don’t work i am just going to tell them we need to change things. They say schools are going to go back the 15th of next month. I don’t believe it. I think if they were they would of just sent some packets home not set this whole online thing up. Not for what 15 days or less. Why go through all that trouble for a few days? I don’t know depending how things work out they may just start homeschooling with the older two. Little Bitty can’t wait to start hers online tomorrow. She wants to keep doing hers at home. I just may if my job works out.



{March 17, 2020}   Coronavirus Scare

Sadly true right now, I am so over this virus crap. I just want to scream, in a matter of days both jobs have slowed way down and I was even told at one I can start taking off early if I wanted to. Just when I was going to start staying later and getting more of my hours because of the beating my bank account has taken the last 17 days. I had been leaving early already the last month or so with everything going on and just feeling wore out. But right now I need my hours and don’t know how that is going to go over since they don’t want me getting them. I do have work to be done so hopefully that saves me. I plan to get my 6 or so the next two nights and got about 4 of my 5 last night because I clocked in early. But as long as I can show I am working not just sitting around like normally do they should not complain. I have an email from the other department that I work with with in the company saying that he needs this stuff done right away and waiting on it for a report that he has to do so I think that will all work out.

But then my other job the bus has went down and when I called to move people around to different days a lot said they would have to get back with me because their shops are going to reduced hours and workers for a while or closing. We can’t afford that. It has been slow in the shop the last week or so and we make a good chunk from the road. Without that and people not coming in I am worried they are going to decide to shut down as well. Pops hasn’t been in this week at all and his one son told me to tell him to spray everything down he don’t need to be getting sick. I figure it is best if he just stays home and waits it out seeing as my kids have been sick as well. I don’t have it but could be carrying it still. I have been doing everything I can to keep from spreading it.

When it comes down to it I feel that it is just the government way of putting fear in people. I probably said this on my last post about Little Bitty being sick but it is just really starting to get to me the way everyone is freaking out and acting like we have never had a sickness go around before or that we have never had something new come out. It is so scary and we all need to shut down everything. Honestly I feel that 99% of it is media playing into peoples fear and to boost their viewing.

Everyone is freaking out saying look at the numbers look at the numbers they don’t lie or they are worse. But if you really look at them read them and break them down to me they are not as bad as they seem. Yes they are bad any death is bad but we also have to keep a open mind and understanding about all this and that everyone is going to die and we have no idea how that is going to be for anyone. Some it is cancer others it is the flu, while others lay down go to sleep and just don’t wake up while someone else is in a car accident. Yes people have compromised immune systems and other health problems that also contribute to the fact and a lot of the people who are sick or have passed seem to be ones who are at higher risk. People who are it don’t matter what it is they catch they are at more risk than anyone else to end up with complications or dying from it. But when the media just starts throwing out numbers and deaths and area people don’t break it all down they don’t look at years before and see how they match up. The ones who do also do not break them down and consider all the factors that go into those numbers just as they are not with the new ones so they still end up in a panic.

Looking at numbers on this new virus that they are all panicked about I was just looking at numbers Globally it says more than 185,000 have it or have gotten it while it has killed more than 7,500. But 80,000 people have recovered from it. If we look at this realistically out of almost 88,000 people we lost just over or over 7,500 and still have almost 98,000 still fighting it I assume it didn’t say but that would be logical thinking if they have not died and not recovered. Following the same thought pattern if things stay as they are right now 90,000 or more will recover we will lose another 7,000 give or take. over all that is around 170,000 people out of 185,000 so far who has or should recover globally. Lets take this a step further has anyone looked at global population while panicking about all this? Because I have not heard or seen it talked about in the bit I have scared or read looking for these numbers. I went to find it and what I am seeing is that global population is 7.8 billion. If you step back and look at the big huge picture here, 100,000 or even 200,000 compared to 7.8 billion is a tiny little part of that. if it was money a person would not even notice it gone and in all reality even talking population it is not enough to make a noticeable impact. The only reason it is noticed and even known is because of the media throwing out numbers and big scary words like sickness, virus, and death. I read a few places there are around 8 deaths per every 1000 people every day. That is caused by any and every number of things that could kill you or you could die from. It isn’t broke down. Do you know how many people that is every day compared to the 7.8 billion people in the world?

Yes I understand that so many of these deaths from this sickness happen in one place or groups close together or whatever/how ever you want to say it. But again lets break it down and look at the situation surrounding who was sick, why they were sick, why they died. Again how many of them had traveled or been with people who had in high risk areas. How many already had underlying health issues? How many of them knew each other or are friends and family, co works of the ones who first had it or brought it around?

No we didn’t know about it before so we didn’t know to protect or self from it but then again what are they telling us to do to protect ourselves from it? Simple things like wash our hands, clean your area, cover your mouth and nose if you cough or sneeze, don’t touch your face. DON”T GO OUT IF YOU ARE SICK. Hum where have I heard all this before? Maybe because it is common since things we should all be doing already regardless if we think there is some kind of sickness out there that might kill us or not. But it seems people forget to do these things until something like this happens and then they freak out. The whole staying home if you are sick yes I know that you are contagious before you ever know your sick and by the time you know your sick your not contagious or just about out of the contagious phase. But there is nothing we can do about that, that is no one’s fault. We can not prevent spreading something we do not know we even have at the time. This is where your common since, wash your hands, keep things clean comes into play. It is up to us to keep ourselves from getting sick and even though it is not 100% fool proof or possible it helps. But at the same time we can’t go over board and scrub everything everyday and use a bottle of hand sanitize and try to live in a sereal environment either. Because you are not giving your body the change to build up your immune system so that it can fight off the bigger things that come along. Kids aren’t playing outside as much locked in schools all day with the a/c going then go home lock themselves in their house in the a/. They aren’t out playing in the dirt, getting fresh air being exposed to things.

I was just talking to the guy who comes and details our cars he brought up this virus and shutting everything down and how crazy it all is. He said the same thing it is all scare tactics and comes around to money.

I truly feel that if the media didn’t report so much and was banned from reporting on it for awhile that the scare would go down, all this lock down, buying everything in sight would stop. People would go back to living their lives as normal and we wouldn’t all die or go extinct from covid-19. Like they seem to be trying to make everyone think.



{March 11, 2020}   H1N1 Or Swine Flu Has Struck

Friday Little Bitty got home from school and went straight to bed. They called said she as rolling around crying and upset saying her head, belly and throat hurt. I ended up taking off early and taking her to get checked. They said she did not test positive for the flu or strep just keep an eye on her. She spent all day Saturday in bed and all day Sunday. Sunday night, Monday morning she woke me up about every half hour to hour telling me to stop talking she was trying to sleep and didn’t feel good or other things that I could not even understand. Finally she woke me up about 7 something I felt her and she was hot. I took her temperature and it was 103. I gave her a drink and some Motrin and we finally went back to sleep and slept for about 4 hours straight. Her fever was back down and stayed around 100. By a bout 3 or so she was feeling really bad and asking to go back to the doctor. We got ready and I checked her temp again, it was still around 100 so I didn’t give her anything.

We get to the doctor about an hour away with evening traffic and things. We waited probably another hour to be seen they were so busy. We got back there they took her temp and it was 104. They were worried about it got her something to bring it back down again. They tested her again for the flu and it came back positive. There is really nothing they can do but give something for fever get her to drink and give her something to keep her from getting sick. Because I was having to give her something to keep her from puking about twice a day but only like in the evening and at night. By that point I had done gave it to her in the morning and then again in the early afternoon.

She is out of school until Monday and that is our Spring break so she is out for two weeks before she can go back. I feel so bad for her she is so miserable and just cries she don’t feel good and can’t breath because her nose is stopped up and she feels sick and going to puke. Yesterday she refused the medication to keep her from puking and said she thought it would be better if she just puked than taking something to keep it from happening. But she couldn’t even because she has hardly eaten anything since Thursday night. She finally took the medication so she wasn’t dry heaving all after noon and could rest.

The doctor said she wasn’t worried about if she was eating or not but she needs to make sure she drinks. She said she wants her to have three 16 oz bottles a day but she may not get that in. That rule of thumb with her being sick is she has to go to the bathroom once every 6 hours or she has to go straight to the er and get iv fluids to keep her from getting dehydrated.



{March 4, 2020}   Your Monthly Friend and Sex

Today let’s get up close and personal and talk about our monthly friend and sex. Because today I am not sure how to describe how I am feeling and not sure why I feel the way I do. Lets go back to Monday, I had court, I dressed nice for court, cotton pants nice shirt, you know the deal. Well wouldn’t you know my monthly friend was set to come Monday as well and she decided to come right on time. The last few months she has been either a few days early or a few days late but not on time. Either would of been fine this month, as early would mean I was through the worst part by court or late would of course mean I hadn’t started yet. But no she came knocking bright and early. Okay fine slap in the diaper and go. Not really but I use sanitary napkins because I have issues when I use tampons. Well with the pants I was wearing and the shirt it was awkward and I felt you could tell I was wearing one. I moved it foward a little bit more than normal but not enough it would make a difference since I was just going through my day. I have done it before no big deal.

Well after court and work that evening I went to JW’s house for a while like I always do. Went and laid on the bed for a while and was talking and watching tv. I was laying on my back most the time, I got home and went to the bathroom and notice I had a spot on my pants. Not huge but big enough. Because of the way I had done things. We were messaging and I just told him hey you may want to check your sheets, don’t think it it is bad but letting you know basically. He said oh little spot no big deal. It happens and that was that.

Catch up to yesterday, when it is that time of the month for me the first day is horrible. Heavy and I just feel blah and want to sleep. The 2nd day things slow way down and I am in the mood for sex all the time. That last days sometimes. Or it goes away and comes back about the time I am to ovulate. All normal how it all works. We were talking through out the day and somethings I say he don’t get I just have to spell it out or be blunt with him. I told him I was freak-en horny. We made some comments/jokes or what back and forth through the day. Last night I get there and we are laying on the bed I hate his couch and the whole time we are sitting in there the dog will not leave us alone. A lot of nights we go lay across the bed and talk watch tv or whatever.

After a while one thing led to another and we were making out a few times and he would stop. I thought at first because he knew it was that time of the month. Then before I knew it he was going further and doing more. That was fine with me, I asked him for a towel or to hand me the towel that he had there folded up with somethings by the bed. He looked funny grabbed it and gave it to me.

We went on, about the time we get started he says what’s the towel for or why the towel? I said it’s fine not a big deal or something like that. He said but why or something he kind of stopped was laying on me looking at me. I just looked at him like hello, he said something I said you know it’s that time of the moth. Oh my goodness the look I got, he looked like a little kid who’s balloon you just walked up and popped. He just stopped laid there looking. I said you knew, He said no he didn’t. I said I told you last night the sheets. He looked like oh no, he said I’m so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking about that I knew but wasn’t putting two and two together and thinking about it when you asked for the towel. I knew but I didn’t, wasn’t something I was thinking about. We talked I just kind of forgot it after that. He got up moved. We laid there a few and talked a little. It bothered him, I mean really straight up freaked him out.

I got up and got dressed and went home. He kept telling me how sorry he was and everything. I told him it was fine. Like I told him I don’t want him to do something he isn’t comfortable doing. He has stopped for me a few times it is what it is. It was just hard for me because I was wanting it so bad and then to be that close, started and just stop. But I wasn’t mad or upset with him.

I don’t kow how to explain the feeling that came over me when I said it was that time and he looked at me like he did. I felt like I did some horrible thing to him or something. I don’t know. Really unexplainable. His reaction really upset me and bothers me. Probably as much as me telling him why the towel bothered him.

I just wanted out of there and away from him. We didn’t have time really to talk about it get into it and he didn’t seem he wanted to. He kept saying he was sorry, not to be upset with him and things. He said he never done that. I told him I wasn’t mad or upset, it is what it is. He say’s he wants to sit down and talk. I told him I wanted to talk but just never seem like a good time and he didn’t seem he wanted to. He said we would.

I felt so bad, I wanted to cry almost. I felt I done something wrong, I felt rejected, I felt there was something horribly wrong with me. I felt like he was discussed with me. I felt like i put our relationship in jeopardy. I felt like he was looking at me like I lied or did something to him. It was just all these feelings at once.on top of the frustration of wanting sex and it just stopping like it did. I didn’t lie, I told him I had started Monday because I just didn’t feel good wasn’t in a good mood. I told him about the sheet and that I had cramps and bloated yesterday when we were talking. He asked how I was feeling. I can see how he said he wasn’t really thinking about the two and things. I probably wouldn’t of at first either. But now i don’t know where we go from here. It seems awkward being around him. I feel like I did something wrong or something is wrong with me still. I still feel bad how things happened. I feel this whole thing changed our relationship in a big way and it is this big elephant in the room now. How will things be once we get past it or talk through things?

It also really bothers me that it bothers him so much that he stopped. Not that he did last night but the thought that it is not something he is comfrable doing. Because it is something that like I said am very into and want then. It is not like its the first day and I’m bleeding heavy. Sometimes as much as I want it I will wait until the 3rd or 4th day because it is more than normal. Or I will think I’m done be fine for a day then the next it is back. There are times I will spot for a few days, how is he going to feel about that? If I’m just spotting i haven’t even said anything. Didn’t think it was a big deal but I don’t know now.

He had taken a shower before I got there when I left he took another one. I knew most he did. He had messaged me I was driving I messaged back it took awhile for him to answer. I ask him if he got something to eat and a shower? He said a shower yes. I said you were talking about eating earlier. Get something go get some sleep. He said he might he was laying there.

I don’t know because no one else at all that I have been with has had a problem with sex that time of the month. I knew some women won’t, like bff wants nothing to do with sex when it is that time. I knew some guys were freaked out by it but never dealt with it and i guess didn’t think I would be dealing with it in this way if it ever did come up.

What are your feelings on the subject? Okay with it? Freaked out by the idea? How does your partner feel about it?

I told him I wanted to go to the beach tonight. Maybe we can sit and talk.



{March 2, 2020}   Court With R.C Round 1

I have been waiting for this day for right about 7 years now and it is finally here, today is the first of at least two or three court dates with R.C. I am sure he is going to probably drag things out and want to do the dna test. That is fine Little Bitty and I already did ours last year. It has been just about a year maybe 8 months or so. I think we did it right before or right after my first court date with Father of The Year. Goes to show you how slow and how log it takes to get anywhere with the child support people. But I just don’t have time to do all this myself right now. If I was working one job and not dealing with the Bitch and have her there in my ass 24/7 I could have taken them both to court myself and had things done a lot faster. So here we are waiting for them to take care of it. I

I will be surprised if he don’t ask for the dna test. If he does they will take it right there why he is at the courthouse or child support office. Then it will take two weeks for them to get the results back. I figure if they take it today we will have the results back in 4 to 8 weeks maybe 6 if we are lucky. I am not looking to get them in the 2 weeks like they say. Even if they do everything quickly on his side, we still have to wait for my office to send the results to the lab and then them to process them. Then they will send them back to the offices that requested them and I will have to wait for them to send me the results or tell me. That will probably require a court date to get. I am not sure if they told us the lab would send the offices the results and us or just the offices. Even if they send a copy to us it will still take the office here forever to do something with the results once they get them. Then it will take forever for them to get us another court date.

I a at work now I don’t have to be at court until 2, I am taking off at 12:15/12:30 and headed that way since it is about 30 miles or more away. They are doing road work and it will be lunch time traffic and I am having a small issue with my car. I don’t want to wait until the last minute to head that way. I want to give myself time and maybe stop and get something to eat on the way I a going to this one by myself. I am okay with that. Jw said the other day I don’t know if I can take off and go with you to that one. I said it’s okay, I am fine with going to this one by myself. I figure he is going to phone it in since he is out of state and I don’t have an issue or issues with him like I do father of the year. No things didn’t leave off on good terms with us and he has not been in the picture the last 7 years. But at the same time, he has not done near the things Father of the Year has. He also has not been in the picture making life hell and not doing his part at the same time like farther of the year did. He decided he didn’t want to be in the picture he stepped out and let me do what I needed to do for her. He didn’t try to interfere in that or keep me from that. He didn’t try to tell me what i could or couldn’t do or say he was going to be there and not or be a when he felt like it parent. Like I have said before. I respect that more than someone that just wants to be in the picture when they feel like it or to try and control things from the outside when they have no right or say so in things. If you aren’t going to do it, can’t do it or just don’t want to then fine step a side and let me do me and do what I have to in order to take care of my kids. He did that he left us alone and let us live our lives. Am I happy he hasn’t been a father? No but that is something I can not control. I have to let that go and let that work out or play out how ever that is going to play out from here on out. Because that is and always has been between him and Little Bitty. As long as he is not hurting her, jerking her around or doing her like Father of the Year did or has done my other kids then I have to stay out of it and am able to keep things civil. He is the only one that is going to have to answer for what he is doing or has done. He is the one that will have to face her one day and explain why he wasn’t there. He can never ever say it was because I did not let him or that I wasn’t civil to him. I went above and beyond even after we weren’t together the few times we did talk and things to help him and to even help him and his old lady out because i knew they had kids and I wouldn’t see them do without.

I guess I better get off here and get things settled here at work before I go. I am leaving in 15 minutes or so. This day is flying by right now. I hope it keeps it up and I don’t have to be at this court house for very long. I will be leaving and going straight to work from there or looking for something to do until time to go to work if it goes to fast. I will be a few miles from my night job I’m not going to come all the way back up here for a few minutes.



et cetera
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