{March 26, 2015}   What She Don’t Know

I was laying on the bed last night and my little bitty came up and sat with me. I was looking at her as she watched Moe Moe as she calls it on my phone. She has gotten so big and starting to not look like a baby any more. I was just really looking at her little face and her eye and how much she has changed. I mean I see her everyday and look at her of course but not really study her little face and her big eyes.

Most do not know her dad or brothers at that time I didn’t really talk to to many people. I hadn’t for sometime with all that was going on with me and father of the year. It wasn’t because I was with him that I didn’t see people. I didn’t see my family because they would rather have had father of the year around than me. That was fine its become the norm. But most people say that she looks like me. The ones who do know him say she looks like him and the boys.

I hadn’t really paid attention to who she looked like or thought about it. Sitting there looking at her last night all I could think was I didn’t think she could look more like them than she already did. But she dose, I thought it would bother me but it don’t. All I could think about was how beautiful she is. How sweet and innocent she is. Has no clue about anything that is going on that she has other brothers and a sister out there, that she don’t know her dad or know that she don’t.

I wonder when she will start to put things together and ask questions and how I’m going to answer those questions. What am I supposed to say when she ask? Your dad seen you once and cried his eyes out and begged me to not tell you he was a loser? He said he was going to be getting a place of his own and keep in touch and be in your life, but here we are x years later and he’s not came back around? Do I tell her about his problem he won’t even admit to having? Do I tell her she has other brothers and a sister? Not to feel to bad he only see’s one of them. How he did the boys we had. That he has the other he hasn’t seen like her pretty much. Lest she knows it isn’t just her right. Is that any consultation to it all not really. How she going to feel knowing she has these other siblings out there she hadn’t gotten to know or have a relationship with?

How is it all going to effect her over all? Is she going keep being the outgoing strong willed no holds bar little girl she has always been or is it going to do something to her? Change who she is and how she looks at herself? I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be the one who is responsible for whatever happens how she handles it. In the end when it truly comes down to it I’m not he is because of the chose he made. But I’m the one left to explain them and be the deliver of bad news. There for in the end I feel responsible for the outcome.

et cetera
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