Abuse Is Love

In my last post I said I wasn’t sure what was worse in an abusive relationship, not feeling loved or feeling abuse was love? I think what is worse is when one feels that abuse is love.

I think that feeling abuse is just how one shows love or that it is normal is worse and more damaging. For the one’s who feel it is normal are the one’s who fall back into abusive relationship after another. Or stay to long or all together and don’t try to leave. For whatever reasons this is how their brain has been wired. Maybe they grew up in abusive household were they seen this between mom and dad. This was their normal. They for whatever reasons wasn’t shown love in life to know the difference. Maybe they didn’t grow up with seeing abuse or being around it and they just ended up with the wrong person and they have convinced them this is what love is.

Whatever the reason they find their self in this kind of situation or ending up in them repeatedly isn’t their fault. No matter what one has or hasn’t been through, being abused is not their fault. No one for any reason deserves to be abused. They weren’t asking for it nor did they do anything to cause it. The real problem lyes with in the abuser.

Then you have other’s who find their self in an abusive relationship, while they don’t feel love they know this is not right. They know they need to get out and away. They know that this is not what love is. They just have to figure out how to get out of it and away without making things worse. Once they do they shy away from relationships and pull out that microscope when they think maybe they are ready for one. It takes them awhile to let anyone get close or let anyone in.

But their down fall is they know what it is like to not feel loved and they don’t want others to feel that way. So they sometimes attract the wrong kind of people. They attract others who have been hurt and unloved. Some of them may be abusers too. While they may get close and feel the fire they also see a lot through that microscope and keep them at just enough distance. They have figured out how to set boundaries. So they play with the fire but don’t jump into it. While they still may get hurt it is more feelings and not abuse like in the past.

But when they finally find that one and they let them in they are all in. But they like I said before have their partner under the scope and looking to much into things. They hopefully realise it is more their self than their partner.

We have to know that we have our partner under that scope. When we see something that triggers us, we have to step back and ask ourselves why. Not move in for the kill and blow up on our partner. We have to ask ourselves are we triggered because of things from the past? If so we have to take the past out of it and look at here and now. Look at our partners as our partners. Not as our ex’s. Then we have to look at what it was that triggered us and ask ourselves the past aside in the here and now with this person. Is this really that big of a problem? If so why and work it out.

Greatful, Thankful, or Something Else?

After reading those old post and writing 4:30 A.M. I started thinking about JW. I just wanted to get up and go over there and crawl inbed and be held.

I snuggled in my big quilt and laid here in the dark thinking. My thoughts went back to wanting to be held and feel safe. I just had this feel come over me and the thought of how greatful I am for JW and the way he treats me.

Then I though not greatful but Thankful? But both just felt weird to say or feel. As I looked for the right word to describe how I felt and thought I just couldn’t think of it.

Then it came to me. It is both greatful and thankful and loved I was feeling. I guess thankful and greatful struck me as off to describe how I felt about him. Because isn’t it odd to be thankful the man you are in a relationship with don’t abuse you?

I mean isn’t that just one of those unspoken this is how it is supposed to be things in a relationship? Isn’t it assumed when you agree to be with someone or decide to be that no one is going to abuse any one? That leaves nothing on the table to have to be thankful for.

But I guess with someone like me who has been in an extremely abusive relationship that idea of what can or might or will happen is always on the table. Even if only in our subconscious and we don’t realize it.

So when we find someone who don’t do these things we are thankful. And it just feels so weird to use because it is not a feel we should have to feel. We should of never been abused the first time around. When we were it took things away from us.

We can’t just have a normal relationship. We can’t just love and be loved. We can’t just have a disagreement and everything is fine. Because our brains have been rewired to feel all things that happen in a relationship are bad. That they are about being lied to, yelled at, hit and so much more. That we aren’t really loved or that that is love. I don’t know which of those two are worse really. I think probably thinking that that is love, being abused is being loved. (That is another post in its own)

When our brains have been rewired in such a way, subconsciously we always look at everything different than those who have not been abused. I have said it before our poor partners are under a microscope. We are looking extra hard trying to figure out their motivation is for doing whatever they done. Because in our minds they didn’t do it just to be nice because they love us. In our minds they don’t really love us either so there is no way they did it because of that. We have their love under that scope too looking for why? Because the last person who said it was only out for their self. This one must be too. We can’t be stupid like we were before and fall for it this time too. So we crank in even more with that microscope and look even harder.

So if and when it hits you like it did me last night it don’t feel right to us. It feels wrong to feel loved. It feels uncomfortable. All while feeling slightly good. You want to be able to feel it, you want to let go and open up and really let that other person and what they have to offer in and believe them. But how do you do that when it feels so uncomfortable or bad almost?

Before I go let me just say, I have never thought or worried for a minute that JW would ever treat me anywhere close to how I was treated when I was married. But as I said when you come from something like that subconsciously it is always there until if and when you can have that moment of this is okay.

Back to Back Court Dates

Today I was bored and nothing was going on so I decided to check child support site. I checked my case with RC and it said they issued a court date yesterday.

I looked on their site and it didn’t show. I went to the clerk of courts and it did not come up on there either. The one for father of the year still is not showing up either. I have not received a letter for it.

I went back to the child support case and clicked to chat with someone there. After a million tries I was finally able to. They were kind of rude but finally said court was at 12 in the north court house. We have to be there on 3/2.

I was a little confused because these cases are held in the South court house. But then I remembered that this case has to go infront of the judge to start with because of the DNA and all that. So I guess they handle it in the north court house. I am sure it will end up in the South once it is all done.

The north court house is much closer and easier to get to so I don’t mind. The South one is over 30 miles away and I have to be there at 8:30am. The drive sucks and takes forever with work and school traffic.

I am not worried about the one with RC. I am sure he will probably phone in since he is up there. But even if he wasn’t the thought of seeing him don’t bother me.

But I am dreadding the one with Father of the Year. I do not want to be around him or see him again. I hate that sick panic fight or flight feeling I had once he got there. I think my friend JW is going to go with me. We were talking about it today he said something about he hoped I didn’t feel that way this time or something. I said me too but I figure I will. I was going to ask my friend to go but I have not talk to him in a long time. I think he is mad at me. I said I will suck it up go and find a little spot between two people to sit. That’s what I done before.

He asked when it was I told him. He said he could go with me if I wanted him to. I told him he did not have too but it would be nice that I didn’t want him to get in trouble at work. He said he wouldn’t he wanted to go with me. I hope he can go. I really do not want to be there alone. I don’t know anyone else to ask to go with me. Bff said she would but she did last time then didn’t. She has to have kids to school and things as well I don’t know how she would go.

It’s really nice of him to offer to go with me seeing he has to miss work and pay to do it. I will pay him what he missed once I get the behind amount I’m owed. I know he don’t want it or expect it. But it means a lot to me and I want him to know.

I know it probably sounds stupid that I don’t want to go alone or that I want him to go with me. It’s court, but I can’t help the way I feel. I shouldn’t have to go do this and feel that way while trying to do it. I hardly ever well really never have anyone help me or with me as support. Sometimes we all need that emotional or moral support when we have been through things. Abuse is a huge thing to go through come out of and not have some issues from it. If this is the worst I need help with then I think I am doing really fucking good and proud of myself for working through the bulk of it. I was even considering asking my one boss from my day job to go with me. That is how bad I have been dreading it.

Has Anyone Heard From

This is one of if not the very first blog I started following when I started my blog years ago. Passive Aggressive Abuse it was a really big ah ha moment reading her blog and all the information she put on it about passive aggressive abuse. For once in my life I didn’t feel like I as crazy, over reacting or many of the other things that everyone said at the time when they found out me and ex were getting a divorce. I followed her blog and we interacted often on it. But she just disappeared a few years ago, haven’t seen anything from her. I often wonder about her and how she is and what happen once she moved out.

As you can see her last blog post was that she had done it she finally moved it was her first night in her new place. I wonder and worry if something bad happen between her and her husband if that is why she hasn’t been back. I know that some family knew of her blog and that at one time he had found it too. I don’t know if that is maybe why and if she did a new blog under a different name or what. If so I would love to follow or at least know an update as to what happen if she is alright. When one leaves they can be at so much more of a risk of the abuser getting worse and doing much worse things to them even death. I don’t know if I have asked on her before or not but it don’t hurt to reach out and try again.

So if anyone knows anythings please let me know.

But No One Was Getting HIT

I hear this when people are talking relationships and why they break up or broke up. It makes me want to scream and turns my stomach.

I am watching the Girlfrinds Guide to Divorce on Netflex

The lady is talking to her brother about getting a divorce. He is against it and thinks it is a bad idea. Which is funny because he is gay. You would think he would be one of the last ones to have a problem with it. He says he don’t understand it no one was getting hit, no one was cheating, blah blah. She says to him sorry I wasn’t getting hit. He of course says oh that wasn’t what he meant and things.

I hear this and I just want to scream. Not everyone knows if someone was or wasn’t getting hit, no one ever knew i was getting hit when I was with Father of the year. Most still don’t. Most have no idea  the ex stint of the abuse that went on. Because again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Why do people feel the need to justify your decisions or change your mind? How do they think telling you that you weren’t getting hit makes everything else fine?

There is a lot more reasons to end a relationship other than getting hit. I relationship needs more to survive and be healthy other than two people knowing how to keep their hands to their selves. I mean don’t we all pretty much know this and do it on a daily bases when dealing with people in our daily life? Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit? Isn’t it like one of the fist rules when you start school and in every class? Keep hands and feet to yourself? We don’t say at least he wasn’t kicking you around.

I just don’t understand this, like the only people others decide to hit are their spouse or partner? Where did this idea that the only time we should get out of a relationship is if we are being hit? Why does this only apply to married couples and partners if this is the case? If we decide not to be friends with someone because we don’t like something they do, something they said, the way they treat us or just because we decided we didn’t want to, why don’t people say oh no you should still be friends because hey, they don’t hit you? Why is it okay to end any other relationship for any reason but to end a marriage or partnership we have to be getting knocked around?  We have to have black and blue marks or black eyes? Maybe we are getting out before it comes to that? maybe it has come to that and it’s been hidden? Because the person was embarrassed or just felt that it wasn’t everyone in the worlds business to know.

If someone says they are getting out of a relationship or getting a divorce they are not asking you to be okay with it, they are not asking you if it is okay, they are not asking if you agree with it or if it is what you would do. They are telling you to let you know, they are telling you to have the support, they are telling you because they feel they can confide in you and not be judged. If you are a true friend then don’t judge, don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it or make their decision okay. Just be there for them, listen to them, support them. If you can’t tell them that so that they can find someone who can.

Don’t try to talk someone into staying or tell them to work it out or it will get better. Because you most likely don’t know everything and what you are trying to talk them into holding onto and work out. Bff use to tell me the same thing when we first met and I told her we were in the process of separating and getting a divorce. She thought it was horrible and I needed to work it out and just hang in there it would get better. After she was around for a while and seen she even says she was wrong and feels bad for saying it and understands. Now that she is going through it she is really starting to see a lot and understand a lot more. You may feel your the bff and been around and know everything and they tell you everything but you don’t know at all. My own family didn’t know and we lived with them and next to them and everything for years. We seen them all the time. His family didn’t know, no one knew. Because we were the “perfect” family in public and around people.

He of course isn’t going to flip out and do shit in front of others when he puts on this show of being the perfect husband and father and doing no wrong. Some people are private people or don’t trust everyone. Others need to decide and figure things out on their own before everyone gets in involved. That is the route I decided to take. Nothing wrong  with either way. It is not for us to judge or decide the way others should handle things. it is just up to us to be there when they do come to us and tell us what they feel they can or should share with us.

 

My Anthem

This song has touched me more than any song I have ever heard. It has me in tears almost every time I hear it. I can feel it in my soul.

I had listen to it and I couldn’t figure out why it shook me like it does. I had not heard it in a long time and for some reason when everything happen with sleeping Beauty and the drinking and just everything from Wednesday on. Something pushed me to look it up and listen to it. Because I couldn’t make since of how I was feeling or what I was looking for.

Today on the way to work something said look it up see what it is about. I already knew but still could not figure out why it hits me so hard. I looked it up and it is not what I thought it was about at all.

It was written for Big Kenny’s sister as it will tell you when it starts. It is talking about her going through an abusive relationship and women dealing with domestic violence.

All I could think is WOW now it all makes since. It hits the nail on the head, how I feel, think and everything.

“She wants someone to call her angel,
Someone to put the light back in her eyes,
She’s looking through the faces,
And unfamiliar places,
She needs someone to hear her when she cries”

“She just needs a little help,
To wash away the pain she’s felt,
She wants to feel the healin’ hands,
Of someone who understands”

These two verses say it all and just hits me so hard and so deep. They do say it all. I just want to find someone who understands and cares and who will stick around. I am so tired. Tired of being alone, tired of doing it all, tired of never feeling loved. Tired of never being cared about or taken care of. I want to be happy again in those ways. I am okay and happy in most things but in this area I’m not and it is starting to affect everything else. I know I have my issues help me and love me through them just like I am willing to do for you. All i ask from anyone. But it seems to be to much.

My Ton of Bricks Moments 1

Im not going to fight with him not a man who has already put his hands on me. I am just going to shoot ask questions later when it’s said and done.

I lived with the abuse for years not because I was scared of him but more because I was embarrassed. I was a very independent, out going, out spoken person and i let myself get in that kind of situation and couldn’t get myself out of it.

If it came down to it I would not think twice about shooting him if he ever came after me again.

I don’t know why I have had the thought of him coming back in the picture and trying to do something to me. I had the though if he found out where I work he may try to come there knowing I am alone most the time. I want my guns out of pawn and I want to get my concealed carry. But that is going to take time.

I had the thought if I do I need to tell my bosses that I have it and carry it. Even about asking them if I can keep it there for the time being until I get my cc. If it is just something I keep at the office they allow it I am not carrying it on me. It is not illegal to have in my vehicle but I rather just keep it at work. So that if I was stopped or something then I would not have to worry about it being in my truck.

But I do not know how to approach it with my bosses or how they would feel about any of it. I know if he came there and started and the one boss was there he would not put up with it and would put a stop to it. He beat his ass an not think twice about it. A guy disrespects a women or abuses it is done.

I figure they will say there is this or that to protect myself but I am not he is to much bigger than me. By the time I could get close enough to him to do anything he could have a hold of me take it do what he wants. How do I make them or get them to understand why I want to do what I do? That is when I had the thought above about putting up with his abuse.

Later in the week I was thinking about stuff I have and things I need to do something with or put up. The though of how I just want to get rid of everything and everyone says how can you just have something one day get rid of it the next without a second thought? I wasn’t sure why. But between never having stuff because of him and losing everything else to pawn, being left in storage and things you just get to the point nothing means anything to you anymore. Its just stuff it can always be replaced.

I swing from one extreme to the other, i either keep everything or throw everything away or give it away. Just get rid of it all no matter what it is or worth.

I think it is because when I was with Father of the Year I never really had things. My things were always disappearing, coming up broke or given away. I guess it was a sick game to him. He thought it was funny or something.

I think now I want to do things use things or what so I hold onto them so I can. I really mean to and want to I am just so busy I rearly get to it. But no one can get rid of it or what because its my plce there is no one here to make my stuff disappear. I can keep it or do what I want. I know when I go to use it whenever that maybe it will be here. But then things pile up and I end up with junk everywhere.

Where as before I would have it no time go to use it and he had already done something with it. Now i have the stuff and no time.

But then I get tired of all the clutter and everything over all and throw it all out and get rid of it.

Like now I am tired of all the furniture and everything in the house I am fighting so hard not to toss it all out and start over. I want to but can’t afford to and want to wait until she is out of the house.

But those were my hit like a ton of bricks moment’s this last week.

Maybe I haven’t Forgiven Both People

I was reading the post A Wife Is A Gift From God today it was talking about how women have been treated and still are treated. What the bible says about how men should treat women. I commented on it and then repied to the comment that was left on my reply. As I was writing my second reply this thought or voice in my head made me stop and think. I have been thinking about it since.

In my reply I was talking about how abusive my ex husband was and how I just let it happen. We would fight and argue but I never really stood up for myself. On top of that I begged him to change amd to treat me better and to have something to do with me. Long before I finally stood up for myself. I let the abuse get way out of hand and past a point it should of never gotten to, to start with.

I just finally one day snapped and laid it all on the line and that this is how it is going to be from now on and this is what is going to happen we are done for good there is no more us. I do not know what all I said how I put it but I blew it all came pouring out like an over turned cup of water.

When I did, I wasn’t really mad at him for say. I was much mader at myself than him for ever letting him get away with treating me the way he did and abusing me all that time. I was mad at myself for not standing up for myself, not putting a stop to it as soon as it started, for letting the things that happen to me happen. I couldn’t blame him people treat you how you let them treat you and I let him treat me horribly. I told him it was okay to treat me that way because I didn’t put a stop to it and demand he treat me better. Sure we would fight and things about it screaming fights, but I never said you are not treating me this way anymore do not do z, y, z anymore. I ask why he treated me the way he did I be mad he treated me the way he did and tell him he needed to treat me better, even beg him to treat me right. But did not tell him he couldn’t treat me that way.

It took a lot for me to work through all that and forgive myself for allowing all that happen to happen. Honestly, I think that I did work on things and myself the last 5 years. But I think I worked on myself and forgiving myslef and worked through the being mad at myself. But not on the hurt and issues I have from the abuse. I forgave myself, but I don’t think I have ever worked healing the damage caused by the abuse or forgiving him for it even though he isn’t sorry and could careless how he treated me. I think I just stuffed it down until it was forgotten about.

That explains why I am having such a hard time believing guys I talk to, getting close to them and everything feels so fresh and scary when I think about trying to. I guess too I tried dealing with it in the way of just detach and keep your feelings out of it but I can’t. Because I do want more but when it seems like it could be I am all for it until it starts to really get real and then I start to freak out and back off.

I am going to have to do some work and figure somethings out. I wish I was still going to therapy this is the kind of thing I would like to talk to her about but even when i do I do not feel like I get anywhere. I really need someone new. I may see if I can find somewhere else to go see someone when I get my insurance back.

I wonder if a guy would be better to talk to. Most I feel are older and odd or if they are two close in age as me it seems it would be awkward. I do not know I have never tried seeing a guy therapist. Would it be odd to look up one of the professors from school and see if I could get in to talk to him? He subbed for our class two days while ours was out because his dad passed. But he lead a group in classes and i liked the way he did things and found him easy to talk to. I was going to see about taking a few of his classes when or if I go back but I would just take them with the other teacher if I started to see him. Would it be odd or not good to do? I think it would be okay since we don’t really have a true student teacher relationship or know eachother more than the 2 one hour classes he filled in for. I will have to check into it maybe go talk to him and see if he agree’s to see me. How he feels about it.

What Does She Want Or Need From You?

I think I may have upset Sleeping Beauty today. I haven’t heard from him but once and he never answered my question. When I was writing my other post and talking about his ex and how she always wants something. I wondered if he had put two and two together? She has his stuff but will not give it back. One minute it is you can have it but you have to bring an officer with you. To get it blah blah bullshit. Then when she being all nice its you can get it. But then he has had no where to take it or she has some reason she can’t meet after saying she will.

Thinking about it all I decided to message him. I said hey I have a question? He said whats up? About half hour later.

I said what does she want or need from you?

After that I said…Think about it. Since i have known you anytime you tell me she is around it turns into her wanting something or needing something. You to fix her car, you to get her a new car or sighn for a new car. As soon as she gets it she gone or as soon as things don’t go her way she calling the police mad and gone. dont remeber the other time something to do with the car i think. But you ask for nothing but your things back and she refuses and has a fit. You say why she keep your stuff? Why won’t she just give it back? Because it gives her something over you and a reason to come around. Hold your stuff out there then say i said you could get it you didn’t. You say every time you try to talk to her say what you want she starts a fight and runs. Its all planed she knows what she is doing. It is all a game to her to keep you around in case she needs something.

This make it look like your fault you started a fight you always start a fight this is why she dont stay around or give your stuff back. When its her all along.

I have not heard a word back from him at all. Later this evening when things slowed down I messaged and ask what he was doing. Still nothing. I wasn’t trying to upset him or make him mad but I also thought about him talking about people only around when they want something from him. Again is he not seeing that? I figure its all making him really think even if he is mad at me for pointing it out or saying it. I may try to message him tomorrow if I don’t hear from him or I may wait.

I have ask for help but have always offered to pay him other than when he was staying here. I was a little surprised he offered to help with the truck over the weekend. But I think he is seeing, I am really not in it just for what I can get or what he can do for me. He see’s I am there for him regardless and that I do care about him when it comes down to it. So even if he did get mad or upset I don’t think it will last or truely at me when it comes down to it. He is more going to be hurt by her what she is doing.

I have to go to the feed store right by where he works tomorrow I may see him then just talk a minute nothing big just see how he is doing where he is. I worry about him more after that conversation we had last weekend or weekend before this last one I guess It was. I tell him all the time that I worry about him and I am here anytime he needs to talk. I have ask him if or what I can do to help him and things. He just says nothing.

 

Wow, So True

I seen these and they spoke to me. The first one because it is me to a T when I start getting bad. No matter what I just can’t force myself to do what needs done.

 

This next one spoke to me because it’s what I finally figured out about 5 years ago. When I stop dating and doing for others and worrying about what others wanted or thought. I worked on me and healing, fixing me. It is freeing.