To Damaged

I am so stressed lately with having to move, find a bigger truck, back to back court dates, Saturday being 5 years my dad being gone, this new step I am taking with JW, all the changes that are coming with that.

This thing with JW is really on my mind letting go and just let what is going to happen, happen and enjoying what is happening now is really hard. Trusting he isn’t going to hurt me and things really are going to work out and that him, the kids and I are all going to be happy. My mind won’t let me do that of course, because when you have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times or in such ways it isn’t easy. You stuff your feelings and go with with your head so that you don’t get hurt again.

I keep thinking about what he said about wanting to be here and help, willing to wait, take things slow, do things how I feel is best for me and the kids. Maybe he isn’t the one I am trying to protect the kids from. Maybe it is me and me messing things up not him.

Yesterday I was in a mood and I was thinking about all the shit I have been though and things that have happen. I thought once he finds out about things or if he does will he stay. He won’t stay he will leave. I had the thought I am going to tell him everything or what if I just tell him the one thing that gets a reaction  out of everyone, that one thing that no one knows how to react to and makes everyone pull away or leave. Because you know it was shortly after RC found out that he did all this and was different from the time he found out. Then I think okay so he don’t leave but the what if he is different after that like he was? What if I mess things up between us by telling him that. If it changes things between us and we are still together that may not be the best either. But then I feel that it is something that he probably should know either way because it will have an effect on things between us at times. I try not to let it but at times it does before I even realize it.

Then it is like okay so when is the right time to tell someone something like that? Right away upfront kind of like now? Later once things head in that direction? Just wait until maybe it comes up or if things from the past and how things were or things that happen between me and father of the year and bring it up? I just don’t know how you bring that up and tell someone that.

Yesterday the mood I was in I had decided that I was going to go tell him. I was going to bring it up after work or what and we were sitting around talking. Whatever reaction I got, I just got and we would go from there.

My whole thought process behind it all was just tell him all the bad shit, tell him everything you have been through and done. He will surely not stick around. If he does then maybe it is worth all that you are putting on hold. If he does leave then it just shows how he is like the rest and just saying what he thinks one wants to hear. Either way everything is out in the open.

But when I got there he was pretty sick and not feeling good. He told me he didn’t feel good when we were messaging while I was at work. I didn’t think he was that bad until I got there. I could tell he really felt bad, he wasn’t wanting to move or even lay on his side or anything. He was so tired as well. I just laid there with him we talked a little but not much not about anything really. I told him I was going to go so he could sleep because he was so bad. He said no he wanted me to stay. I stayed for a bit laid there with him until I had to go. He was going to walk me out I told him no to stay in bed I would turn things off and lock the door. He was worried about me walking out by myself. I said I walk in by myself all the time, whats the difference. He said I don’t know but I am just supposed to walk you out. I said well not to night now I will see you tomorrow.

I was kind of glad it hadn’t come up and not at the same time. I wasn’t going to bring it up at that time anyway no matter what. But I now feel that I just want to get it out of the way since I feel that he should know. That I was all ready to tell him and going to do it and now I still have it to do since he wasn’t feeling good. I guess I will just wait and see and hope that the right time comes and things go well when it does.

It all goes back to Self sabatage.

Everything can be going great and my mind takes over and runs with all its thoughts and what may happen. What if he finds out….what if you do something he don’t like or that upsets him…..how is he going to react to…..will he find you to damaged if to much comes out? It is hell to have your mind battle your heart as I am sure many of you know.

You want to believe and follow your heart but your brain attacks.

Fighting with My Mother

Monday night we had a huge fight, to the point the police were almost called. I am not even sure how or what it started over. She started her shit about something. Then started about calling this place and that place to come out here and the place to come get the dogs. Had my kids all upset and scared they were going to take them away from me or they were going to lose their dogs.

She went to her room and just kept on and on and on. Yelling through the house and about money and everything. I finally had enough and told her how it was. I told her I would never help her again, have contact with her or anything else after this. That she needed to get out of here that even the kids did not want her here and ask all the time when she was leaving. Of course it was all lies she says. They just love her.

I also told her to go ahead and call anyone and everyone that she wanted to call I did not care but when she did I would be calling on her as well. Start shit for her. Your fucking stupid she said I don’t have any kids for you to call on me for. I said well I will be calling someone finding out why everything happen with my younger sister that did amd why she did nothing at all about it? How things are now. She swears she didn’t none of it happen she didn’t let it keep going on and right in her own house. Telling me I was lying. I said no I am not everyone knows it. Then she ran back in her room and started yelling at me to shut up like a little kid. And spelling it and crap like she was 5. I said no you had your say and who your going to call and why, now I am telling you when you call and try to start trouble for me that is going to go no where. I will call and start some for you that will go somewhere. Shut up shut up leave me alone, I’m going to call the police on you. I said that is fine call them too I don’t care one bit. I am in my house done nothing wrong.

Then she come stomping out telling me how I was and why my husband left me. I laughed so hard. I said he left me that is why he cried over and over begging me to take him back and not to leave in the first place. How i was fucking my “friend” and my good friend and what I was and how nasty. I said no I wasn’t and haven’t. She saying i went out party all time not stay home when me and him were together not true at all. I said yeah look where its coming from the one picking up women on craigslist and everything else. No it isn’t it came right from your friends. I said yeah I can promise you they aren’t talking to you. Any that have met you one time knows how you are talk about it. That isn’t true she freaked out more. I said whatever go to your whole and knock your shit off.

I said that is why if you weren’t here you would be homeless. Becaause the other two don’t want you or any thing to do with you. They won’t let you come there. The few days you were you showed your ass and had something to say about it there it wasn’t good enough for you everywhere you go. Nothing is ever good enough.

She was at my sisters there was something wrong she couldnt eat cook or do anytjing there. It wasn’t clean enough. Her froemds it wasn’t clean enough there was a problem there. She was at my aunts and my grandma’s a night or two and came home telling me how dirty it was and nasty. How she was. When she was able to go see my brother she talk about how dirty their house was and how they live. I told her no where was ever going to be clean enough for her unless it was her own little bubble that no one ever walked into. Thats not true she about lost her mind.

I don’t know what finally made her shut up go on. Then a few minutes later it was as if nothing ever happened she never said any of it or anything else. Nothing has been said since. She needs mental help. She has problems. She is trying to get social security and every doctor she has been to has noted her mental state even if she was there for something that had nothing to do with that.

I also told her to move where ever she was going to move when she got her money because I was not going with her. I was not moving close to her. When i got ready i was going to move where me and the kids wanted to go. That I will not help her get where we are that I would not be helping her or taking care of her if or when she couldn’t do it herself i was not getting stuck with her and having to do it. She better hope one of these other two will. Oh I was horrible for that I should be ashamed of myself and what I was teaching me kids.

I said nope teaching them not to be treated like you treat people and then turn around and do everything for them .

It went on for a while. Finally she shut up went on. That is the night i talked to my “friend” for 5 hours. He messaged me right after we stopped fighting. I started talking to him I just felt such a calm come over me. It was just so nice to have someone to talk to who cared. Who really cared tried to help or what. I felt better than I have on a long time. Not because of what he said about getting together or anything like that. I felt it long before that.

Re:Re: A Decent Job

Yesterday me and my bff went to lunch and we were talking about things at the shop and all that is going on between what happen to the kid last week and a bunch of stuff that is going down at the shop.

She said oh guess what happen with that job you were supposed to have and they gave to someone else? I said I don’t know and hadn’t asked because of all that happen with the kid. She said well the girl they hired only lasted a day and a half and got fired.

I guess they all went to dinner and she got wasted and acted pretty bad. Then the next day she jumped all over the bosses kids for being in the office and told them not to be in there and around her and things. That was it she was gone. I guess she wasn’t really all that nice about it and jumped on them instead of saying something to the parents if there was a problem.

I didn’t even ask what they were going to do now or if he was interested in me or not. If he calls I feel like telling him, you know after I left and thought about it, it’s a lot of work for such little pay. For my experience and things. If you would like to discuss pay and if we can agree on an amount then I would be willing to come talk with you. I think my boss probably said of if you offer her x an hour she will do it she needs a job so bad blah blah. Because I was first told it was $2.50 more an hour. Then when I talk to boss he was like its decent hours but its this much an hour like he knew it wasn’t a lot. But I am telling you he is so shady I can see him telling him just offer x and then turning around to me saying oh he only wants to pay x but its good days and hours.

I really do not want to take it because it is a lot of shit for very little. But it is Monday through Friday 9 to 5 and i can get kids to and from school. But I also still have to make something. I don’t figure he will call me there was something said or done that made him not hire me to start with. I still think it had to do with my ex. Or the fact I have kids and asked if there was a lunch break. Oh well, I am not going to stress over it or even think about it because it is probably not going to happen. If he offers I will cross that bridge when I get there. Until then I have to much to take care of.

I talked to Starfish tonight he told me he starts his new job Monday. I said fun fun. He said you didn’t hear me did you? I said yeah your going back to work Monday. Something about the shop. He stop me and said not the shop over at my old job. He starting this business and he wants me to come work for him. I started to say something but we did not have a good connection I got lost forever. By time I go back where we could talk he had went to bed. I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it some more.

This is the car lot group he will be back in with. I was going to ask him if he thought that was a good idea? But didn’t get to. I ask him what boss said? He said he not told him he hadn’t gotten a hold of him anymore about work and things. He told him he couldn’t come until Monday because he had other stuff to do. But I guess he never responded back. He said fuck boss I am done with him I told you. I still don’t know if this other job is any better. Its farther away from his house than the shop. It is down here past my house. But one of the guys lived somewhere up where he is so I am wondering if he plans on riding with him. That is part of the reason why he took it, that way he not having to get a ride from his mom. She is sick again the mass came back.

I started to ask him if this guy needed anymore help. I could work my days off. But I don’t know. I might because I am so tired of this pizza place and how abusive the old man is. It makes my skin crawl and makes me want to puke. It is really bad and it is all I can do to not say something. If he ever talks to me that way one time it will be done. He talks to his wife and the younger boy that works with us like dogs. It don’t matter if we have customers or who is around. I have to find one really decent job or one better than this pizza one. One really decent one I could just do it and forget all the rest. One better than the pizza job then i could do it and the escape room job. Forget pizza’s.

Don’t Want to Be Your Friend

This morning I wake up to messages from a lady that I have been ignoring for years. Yes you read that right years I have been ignoring and avoiding her. I do not reply or even act like I know she messaged me and if I see her in the store I go to the other side of the store and do not let her see me there. I do not want to get stuck talking to her or explaining myself in why I do not want anything to with her or her on my page. You know how they say if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all? Well I have nothing nice to say to her at all and it would not turn out very well.

It is not even like I was ever close with this women or her family at all. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times we have really even spoke to each other. I met her years ago when me and father of the year first got together at a church we started going to. Her sons went there and her daughter and grand daughter as well. The one son seemed okay and we talked to him and things. The other son that had the wife and little girl I never cared for from the first time I met him. I talked to the wife some and always talked to the little girl played with her and she played with the kids. She was really little at that time a few years old. I told Father of the Year when I met him that I bet he was controlling and abusive to his wife. Sure enough it wasn’t long that it came out that he was. Then one day I got a phone call from the wife I thought was odd because we didn’t hang out, outside of church or anything like that. I had never talk to her outside of church but maybe once or twice. I wasn’t home and there was no message. Later I found out that dcf had been to her house and taken the little girl away. They were looking for someone to take her in. I was never contacted about it again after that one phone call and stayed out of it.

Well she was in state care for a couple at least a couple years. It came out the dad had been doing things to the little girl and abusing her when the mom was at work. The brother of this guy had gotten with a close friend of the families daughter and they were together and she use to take her and take care of her and do things with her all the time and she told the girls mother one night when she was at there house.

Later the brother that married into the our friends family ended up getting a divorce and later going to jail for being with a girl that was 16 and he was almost 30. So now both boys have been in trouble for this and with two different people one being his own kid and at one time it was rumored that the brother may have been in on it with the daughter as well.

The mother of the boys still has them in her home living, still does everything for them and even has kids at her house around them knowing all this and see’s nothing wrong with him going out with women with kids. Despite what he done to his own child. Lets them live with her as well. I am sorry if that was my child they would be cut off and on their own. Everyone screws up and does stupid shit or what. People should get a second chance, but when it comes to doing things like that and hurting children no you do not get a second chance at hurting a child and you are not thought of the same again.

Over the years I have become closer to and pretty good friends with the ones daughter and her mother. We talk all the time and I have had her stay at my house or come after school and stay until her mom can pick her up come to birthday and holiday parts. For all of these reasons I do not want anything to do with this women or her sons and find it very odd that she keeps contacting me and trying to get me to talk to her and be friends with her when she really don’t know me and we have not seen each other in years or talked. We don’t even go to church together anymore. I am not going to go be friends with them both and I would not do that to this little girl and her mother because even though the mom has had her ups and downs she has been through a lot and really is a good person and has done a lot for her and her daughter to improve their lives. Either way I do not mess with or have people like that around me or my kids.

I posted something on my facebook about why do you keep wasting your time trying to talk to me for years when I never talk to you or answer you and tagged it stalker. Few hours later I get a text from Sleeping Beauty asking if I was okay? I told him yes why? I had no idea why he would be asking that when I have not talked to him in weeks, maybe a month almost. He said what is that about a stalker or your stalker problem? I told him what I was talking about and how this is what her kids did and things. He thought it was crazy too.

Seen Father Of The Year

I guess it was Tuesday I had to be at work at 6:30 a.m. then they sent me on a break at 8 a.m. I noticed I had money in my pocket my kid needed for school that day and left to take it to him because they would be leaving in an hour or so to go and I wouldn’t have another break that day. It’s only bout 5 minutes away.

I went and came back, when I walked in the dinning area it was busy and there were two guys standing there, one was looking at the floor or something and looked up we looked right at each other. It was father of the year!! I didn’t say anything and he didn’t either he looked like he didn’t know what to do or say or do. I just acted like I had no idea who he was and walked past him just as everyone else there and went to the break room. I could see him and his buddy standing there still and he turned and ran outside.

I wanted to say something when I seen him but didn’t because I was at work and we were inside in the dining area with a ton of people standing and sitting around. That is why I didn’t say anything at all because I wasn’t sure what he would or wouldn’t say and I knew that if I said anything to him it was going to escalate from there quickly probably. Just seeing him makes me mad. Then I was standing there thinking yeah he going go tell everyone ha ha she working here or there and when she seen me she ran and hid blah blah, like all the rest of hi lies he makes up. When he went outside I came out and went to see where he went. I figured he go jump in the work truck and lock himself in and not talk to me. I walked out and was looking around for a work truck and didn’t see it or him. I went to round the corner and there he sat on the curb, I almost ran into him. He just looked up at me like he wasn’t sure what was about to happen. He looked so embarrassed and humiliated.

I looked at him and said I hear life is going really good for you these days just as calm as could be like nothing ever happen. He looked up at me and looked kind of revealed and like we were just going to have a conversation like nothing was wrong and he did nothing. He said no not really it isn’t. I said yeah I know, I heard, isn’t it great? I think it is the best thing that could of ever happen ba ha ha and laughed. I couldn’t help the laugh or stopped it, it just came out.

Then I asked him how his whore was and he said why do you have to be so nasty and mean call her that? Can’t you call her something else? I said hey a spade is a spade a whore is a whore I just call them what they are. He says I love R and she loves me. Oh my god guys I about died, I rolled laughing at him again and told him how he is the laughing stock of town. He said no we aren’t that is you and my boss at the shop his wife and his whores ex boyfriend and what ya’ll got going. I said I don’t know what your talking about, I don’t even talk to them. When they pulled all this I didn’t and hadn’t for a year or two so I was trying to see what he knew who been telling him what. He just said yeah all you all got going on. I said I don’t know what you mean or talking about what do we have going on why don’t you tell me because I don’t know? He didn’t say anything just you know or something like that. I said no I really don’t. I said oh you mean the fact we have jobs, cars, phones, pay our bills, have our kids and take care of them, have our priorities and responsibilities straight we aren’t homeless, careless, have no phone or anything else going for us? If that is what you mean by going on then yeah we have a lot going on. He don’t you have a job to do? I said yeah I do and will when I get ready to. I have this one my second one and school and the one I have to do for school because I do what I am supposed to do and take care of the things that mean something to me and do what has to be done to make it. He didn’t’ say anything.

I asked him if he ever planed to see his kids or pay child support for his kids again. He said yeah his boss took it out of his check and was going to send it to me. I said when because I haven’t seen anything? He said in a few days or as soon as I get the address to him, it probably be a couple days or so. I said whats a couple more days to wait don’t rush or anything not like it hasn’t been months already that they have been waiting and needing things. I said why we are on the subject of the kids want to know what they think about all this and what you have done? He just sat there looking at the ground. I said let me tell you lets start with Big Guy because he seems to have the most to say and vocal about it all. I said the night when me and him was sitting in the hospital for the 2nd night in a row with oldest son he looked at me and said mommy I am so glad you are hear and take care of us and will never leave us. Daddy don’t have to ever come back I don’t care if he don’t. I asked him why he said because you left and betrayed them. I said then the other day we were driving around looking at houses and Little Bitty ask if that was where you lived. He was first one to answer before anyone else could and said no that isn’t his house, he lives in his truck in the middle of the street and has probably starved to death or was going to starve to death but it was okay because you didn’t see them or take them or take care of them anyway. He just looked like someone had punched him in the stomach and didn’t say a word.

Then I asked him for Little Bitty’s car seat that I let him borrow because something happen to his. He told me it was his, I said oh know J across the street gave that to me and I had just bought a new one and told you that you could borrow it, it is mine. He told me it went with his truck but he could probably get it back. I said and that why the hell would you sell your truck for $500 when you are homeless and have no where to stay no way to get to a job or anything else without it? At least you could sleep in it and get to a job if you found one. He said I couldn’t pay insurance may as well of sold it than drive it get in trouble. I said well you had a good paying job if you hadn’t lost it. Maybe if you went to work more often you wouldn’t have lost it. He again said nothing. About that time his buddy came out come on come on get up come inside and started running his mouth to me telling me to leave him alone and crap. I said look I don’t know who you are and you know nothing but the lies I am sure he has told you we were talking you need to go on and stay out of it. He kept running his mouth and then says come on she has a boss lets go talk to them and get her in trouble. They went running in side like two little kids going to tattle.

I followed them right in and one of the managers was standing at the counter to take orders. I ask her to talk to her in the back she ask what was wrong they started running their mouth I was beyond mad at that point. I threw my arm out their way and pointed right in the ones face and said him, I have no idea who he is, I have never seen him before in my life. I pointed at Father of the Year and said that, that is my ex husband who dissipated about 3 months ago and cut off all contact and support for his kids. I said we were outside talking and he came out and started and now he wants to talk to my boss and get me in trouble as he put it. I said pretty sorry for the father of his children who has nothing to do with them and who supports them in no way shape or form to try to get his children’s mother fired knowing she is the only one who takes care of them and supports them and only income coming into the home.

The dinning area was full of people there were people standing around waiting to order and for their orders and the kitchen right there was full of people too. At that point I did not care he wanted to go along with his buddy and run in there to try to get me fired then you can bet I am going to let them all know just what you are and how you are and how this fucker who don’t even know me or anything is going to get in the middle of something and start. They don’t want to be called out for the low lives they are then they shouldn’t of went in and started. She told me to go to the back she would take care of it. I went back to the break room and in a minute they got their food and left.

Later she came back for her break and I was standing there cooking and cleaning at the grill I asked her so what happens if they decide to call higher up and complain. She said you are a young lady they are two grown men coming in here starting on you it is abusive two of them to start on you. She said they are not going to look to highly of that. She said they are tress passing this is your job so they are in the wrong there and you were off the clock so what can really be said you were on your own time. She said don’t worry about it they aren’t going to get you fired. I told my GM who was there what was going on as well and everything and if she could ask them not to come back there. She said not over this one time thing but if they came back and started again then yes she could and would.

Yes I went out and was talking to him it may not have been a wonderful conversation or the best but how well or nice would you expect after all that he has done. We were talking we were not loud or fighting or anything like that just talking. When his buddy came out and started in on me he was loud and rude and cussing and things. Before that no one would have known anything was wrong or going on if they walked by unless they stood there and tried to hear what was going said or going on. So no we had no problem and he had no problem util his buddy came out. It wasn’t like he was being held there or could not leave or have gotten up and went back inside on his own or gotten in the truck if he wanted too. We were outside he is twice my size he could of gotten up and walked away at anytime if there was a problem he didn’t.

See I knew he was homeless still and couldn’t pay for a motel room anymore like they had been staying in and that he lost his job and sold his truck because I found out about a month ago maybe. She went to her ex’s again they were walking she told him that he had lost his job, sold his truck for $500 spent $60 to get to the motel room and the rest on the room for the week and now they had no where to go. She wanted to use his phone and get a number from him to call a friend of hers to see if they could sleep in her shed for the night. Since then no one has known where they were. They had stayed a night or two at her aunts but that was all we knew from there. We didn’t know if they were still staying there or that he went back to work or nothing. She had not come back by his place.

It had at that time been less than 10 weeks since they pulled all this and left. He had lost his job, sold his truck for nothing, still had no phone or place to stay and now didn’t even have money for a motel. I said that is pretty bad when I have me and 4 kids to take care of and do for and need a lot more to provide for than he does and I am doing it on my own. But he can’t do it for just his self or him and her, when he was making 3x more a week than I make in two weeks. Just goes to show that when he says oh we had this and that and how he made sure we had what we needed and was such a great provider for us that he wasn’t the one keeping track of the money and making sure we had what we needed.

I have seen a few different guys from his job come in the last few days but not him or the guy that came in with him on Tuesday. If he knew I worked there like he let on he thought I wasn’t working that day because my truck wasn’t there and he was wrong. I just left on break like I never do the few times I have gotten a break. Most days I work right through with no break at all. I don’t think he will come back in there at all now knowing everyone knows how he is and what is going on.

I can not even explain how he looked sitting there that day. At first he looked like there was hope that maybe we could go back to how things were I tolerated him and let him come around to see the kids and things. Then when I said yeah I heard and all that he just looked like he had no hope of ever having or doing better again. He look like all reason to live was gone, maybe I should feel sorry for him, sad or what but I do not feel anything but that he is getting what he deserves after everything he has put me and my kids through and what he is still doing to them. I talk to another friend I had not seen or talked to in years and she said she didn’t know we were not together and that she seen him the other day walking not to far from my house with no shoes or nothing and that she was wondering what was going on and thought he looked homeless then. My mom keeps saying how sad it is, I’m like no it’s not sad at all I don’t feel bad for him at all. He has done it all to himself and cares about no one but himself and now he has done to himself what he has done and tried to do to everyone else. What goes around comes around.

It was funny there is an older lady who comes in at opening and works til 9. She came over to me on her way out and ask who was bothering who? I said an abusive ex husband starting with me. She said yeah I had one of them too, just pray about it really hard he has a way to make it all work out for you. She said I prayed really hard about mine and 6 months later he was dead. I said well I tell you I been praying too maybe if we both do something will happen so you just pray real hard with me. She said well okay I will honey.

That is pretty much what is going on with Father of the Year all this time. Oh and he told me to message his whore if I needed him about the kids. I tried to message her when I found out about the truck, job and all that and she has me blocked as well so how am I supposed to tell him anything through her even? Not that I was going to, but it’s the point that this is how I am supposed to get a hold of her and then they cut that off too. I have changed nothing so he can’t say I am keeping them from him or he can’t get a hold of me. Even little bitty’s dad can’t say he couldn’t contact me because he could message me or call me as well because I still have the same number all these years later. I have had the same number the last 7 years so no one can say they can’t get a hold of me because anyone that really wanted too could.