Single___Parent___Life











A while back I wrote Sometimes You Just Want To Shake Somebody talking about Bff and this mess with Sleeping Beauty.

I hadn’t seen or talked to her in while and she called me last Sunday and then wanted to go out this past Wednesday. We didn’t talk much Sunday she was on her way out of town to her uncles funereal. Wednesday night was when she ended up taking everyone with her and I didn’t go.

She called me Saturday right after me and the kids got home from shopping and dinner. She wanted to know if I wanted to go to Apple-bee’s with her for a little bit. I told her I would go with her but that I wasn’t eating I had just got done eating and was full. She said she was just going for an hour or so. She came and picked me up and we went.

She started talking about Sleeping Beauty and how things were and things he was doing. She said Wednesday when she asked me to go that he was laying down the kids were in bed already. She said she told him she was leaving and where she was going and that she was going to get in the shower. He said something loud enough for everyone to hear. She said then when she got out of the shower they were all up and sitting on the couch ready waiting for her. She said she told them she just wanted to go alone and things. They started. She said even after I said I wasn’t going they still ended up going. She yelled at him because it ended up costing her over $30 when if it had just been me and her it would of cost her $5 to $8.

She said he is supposed to make her car payment that is his “rent” I started to say something and she said but I’m not holding my breath that he is going to do it. I and that he hasn’t been home since the night before. I said yep not surprising. She said something about her mom saying something about him being there and the way things are. She was going to say something if he did something or didn’t do something.

Later we were talking and she said something about counseling and things. She said her youngest daughter who is like 12 talks about him when she goes all the time and things. Says that she wants him to go with her next time and that they are letting her bring him and wants her to. Said she talks about her like trash there and things. I said there is no way in hell I would let him go and start that. They take the kids back by their self and he would go back and her not there. I said I do not trust him at all not to say something just to try and start shit or cause problems and when they see and meet him they are not stupid they are going to see what he is all about and what he is and that could start problems for you as well. She said she didn’t know what she was going to do she didn’t tell them they could or couldn’t go. I really don’t think he will go because he knows they aren’t stupid and will have him figured out. I also feel that if he does go it isn’t going to be good.

Something was said about them going to the woods and all this. I said yeah and you went and bought him a car or toy to take out there. What were you thinking? She said I know then said it isn’t his, then I got to find the title. I said where is it? She said she didn’t know he had it, it was there somewhere. I said you are not going to get that back from him. He has that hidden, he is going to take it with him when you put him out or he decides to leave.

She was saying how she isn’t happy, how it is like having old boss there and how he talks to her, acts and treats her, how she don’t like being there and is shutting down. I told her get him out, put him out, your have done nothing but take care of him all this time for what reason, none. He isn’t going to make your truck payment and he isn’t going to go on his own because he has it made there. he isn’t there for any good or right reason. This was all a game and to get back at old boss from the start. She said something about her kids and things. I said yeah I know and it isn’t good and should of never happen this is all why I told you from the start don’t do it, don’t do it just leave him alone and don’t do it he is just what everyone said about him is true. I said and all the more reason you need to get him out the sooner the better. Kids are all involved and everything and the longer you wait the worse it is going to be. I know she keeps saying.

She says I can see so much and understand so much of the things you have said and done and why you said and done things and why you still do the things you do and how you do them. She said I never got it, I could never figure it out before. She said I’m living it and now I see.

He kept coming up when we were talking and things I would just say yep that is what a habit gets you. That’s what happens when you snort so much of that shit. She said something at one point about she figured out what was wrong with him he was sick. I said no he is’t sick. I said he can say what he wants make excuse after excuse and you can make all the excuses that you want for him. But the fact of the matter is just about anything and everything that he wants to complain about and say is wrong with him or he is having problems with can all be traced right back to his problem. I said and it is no one fault but his own that he is that way. She said something about him being sick and not left the house for two weeks. I said withdraw will do all that and if he really hadn’t left the house and hadn’t had money it probably was because he just been MIA for days and going out all most everyday before that for the last month or so. She kept saying he could be a good person. I said yes he could be but he isn’t and he don’t want to be. He wants a free ride and to keep doing what he has been doing all this time. She said he needs to grow up or something like that and stop be responsible. I said he is over 45 years old he is not going to, he has had more than enough time and more than enough chances and help. He just uses everyone and keeps going. I said I think he is to a point that he is to far. Something bad is going to happen or he is going to just be this way from now on. No one else in the house has been sick he been so violently sick and just wanting to do nothing but sleep if he isn’t and he been all nasty and snappy with them. Withdraw all around.

He messaged her when we were there wanting to know where she was and what she was doing. Then saying something to her about not being home with the kids and things.

I don’t know what she is going to do, but I am glad her mom is seeing what is going on and how he is too now and is saying something. She said her aunt keeps saying things to her as well about it. I forgot they work together two nights a week so even if we don’t go out she still see’s her and says stuff. She is like me and will tell her it isn’t right and she needs to get him out and this is his problem and the drugs and things.

I hope to get to go out with her this week or to breakfast one day this week. I don’t know if she will or not. He keeps her isolated. She told me she not been talking or seeing anyone or talking to anyone hardly and how he starts when she does. She dont’ see it she is use to it she grew up this way. but she still knows it isn’t right.



Sitting here at work thinking about and for some reason a flood of three conversations that were had here at work came rushing into my thoughts out of no where. One me and Pops had maybe the same day or just a day or two before the other two. They were had on the same day. Me and Pops was talking about different people being on drugs and things like that. His daughter has a problem too. We were talking about how they think they have everyone fooled and no one knows they work and do this or that and that they are functioning addicts.

The other was a conversation that me and Bff had one day I was here at work, I was talking to her on the phone. The guys were here and they heard me tell her that who and what we were talking about I didn’t even want to talk about because it just made me to mad and that I didn’t want to see that person or talk to her if I did it wouldn’t be good.

Later we were here and the one ask me about it and if everything was alright or what. I told him yes it was just this girl that we knew and how she was doing her kid and can’t or don’t take care of him dumps him and things like that. He asked me who she was he said it sounded like someone he knew of going through the same thing with a baby. I told him he said no her name is whatever but she is having same kind of problem or what.

For some reason these three conversations all came flooding back to me just now sitting here. I thought yeah because they are functioning addicts. Then I had the though are they really functioning addicts if all they have going for them is they have a job? How functioning does one have to be to be considered functioning or low or far gone does one have to be before they are just considered addicts?

I mean if you have a job but that is all you have, other than that your sleeping on couches and staying here and there or where ever. Are you really functioning?

The other I don’t know what you would consider her, she isn’t even functioning if you ask me. She can’t keep a job, always fighting with her family and getting kicked out, this guy in and out and running around with this one and that one. The only thing she has is she tries to play mom and fails horribly at that.

Then you have the other who works but I don’t know how much or how good she is at keeping a job. But she is on and off with her boyfriend all the time and dragging people in and out of her parents house all the time. She takes care of them and things so she is functioning more than the other two probably, maybe. I don’t know her good enough to make any kind of call really I have only met her once or twice I think. Just what I was told during conversations here and there.

So what is the difference in functioning addict and an addict?



Bff is having a really hard time with all this with Sleeping Beauty because of her brother and what happen with him. It is bringing up a lot of old things from the past for her that she probably hasn’t dealt with and feeling guilty about. Because of the way her brother was when he would be messed up and as bad as he was into everything she had not talk to him for a year and a half when he passed. She keeps saying something about if we say something how he is going to respond and things. Him withdrawing and not talking to us or coming around. I said to her today you don’t want to say something because you are scared what if he don’t come around and then something happens to him like your brother and she said yeah I know.

Like I told her I am not going to just turn my back on him, I am not trying to run him off or anything like that. But he needs to know that we know what is going on that we are worried about him and that we just want whats best for him and don’t want to see anything happen to him. I told her I don’t mind if he still goes with us on Wednesdays or other times if we go out get together or what. I just really have a problem with him being around the kids. We are adults, we know what is going on. You can’t turn your back on someone if you are trying to help them or want them to do better but you have to be smart about it and set boundaries. Like she has said all a long I am that one person that isn’t wrapped up in all that kind of thing that has been there for him and not judged him and just sat with him, helped him, picked him up got him out of all the bs and just let him hangout, listen to him and things.

I called my friend J last night why me and bff were on the phone. She was on her way out to eat, I told her I needed her opinion on and advice on something if she had a minute and that I had bff on the phone too I was going to bring her on with me. She said okay. I merged the calls and told her she as on there too now.

I said okay J we have person 1 we are all out together and her is on his phone on his phone his buddy shows up he runs outside to meet buddy for a bit. J says drug deal in parking lot.

We are out again person 1 is with us on phone on phone with buddy. Buddy comes sits with us this time in a while buddy goes to bathroom in second person 1 gets up runs to bathroom too. Before I could finish she says deal in the bathroom. I said they come back person one sniffing away wiping nose things. She said drugs.

I said person on all a sudden starts having panic attacks don’t know why or what is even going on. Person one loses a lot of weight and explaining it away before you see them. Person one don’t want anyone talking to anyone about anything to do with them or their name coming up.

My friend J is like it is drugs you are not stupid you know this you don’t have to ask me, you already know what is going on where did you meet this person why are you around this person? I said okay now I will tell you who it is because we have talked about this person before. I told her it was sleeping Beauty. Because we have talked about him before and what he is doing and going on. I told her about him when everything happen at my house he left there. Later I talked to her about him when we were hanging out and I had feelings for him. She was like that is bad and everything and that I better know what I was getting into and things like that. I said I knew that is why I never said anything or acted on them and that I wanted to make sure he was doing better and that he wasn’t looking to be with anyone at the time and things.

We were talking about how to bring this up and what to say. She said you better know what to expect and things like that. I said I know i think she was thinking he might get violent or what. I said I don’t think he will I think he will deny it swear it isn’t true and whoever we heard it from is lying making it up mad at him or what. I said or I think he is going to shut down not want to talk not say anything. If he gets mad he will just leave or want to be taken home.

I said bff don’t want to believe it because he is working he does do things with the kids he does this that and the other. Because we were talking about hitting rock bottom and things. She said until he does he is going to probably fight help or having a problem because he is doing okay. She said he is a functioning addict. I said that is the same thing I said I said and he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet right? Because bff was trying to figure out what we were saying and things. She said no but he will if he keeps on. I said I know that is what we don’t want to see happen. I said so how do we go about talking to him trying? She said everyone is different he is most likely going to resist. She said you need to figure out what his trigger is, why he is doing it, work on that. We talked a bit more she had to go she was at the place they were going to. Her son and hubby were with her they were listening and they were saying the same thing you know and agreeing with it and talking about it too.

They hung up and bff was like wow my head is just….everything everyone is saying now i am looking at everything. We were talking about how to go about talking to him about it all. All of a sudden it was like this voice from no where said the kids. Use the kids to approach him with it all.

I told her lets do dinner a little early maybe at 4 instead of 5 or 6. Then just say lets go here or there or lets go for a ride, the three of us go somewhere and talk. I don’t think her house is a good idea but I don’t think out at a restaurant or something is either. I told her maybe the park sit at one of the tables or go out to the beach walk the beach or sit and talk by the water at the river or something. Just where there isn’t a lot of people around. We can sit not be bothered with distractions.

I told her we just start by saying look we want to talk to you about something. You may not want to talk and don’t have to but we want to say what we have to say and be heard. Then just tell him he are not trying to judge you, we are not mad, but we know what you are doing, we know you have been off and on all along. We are worried about you we care about you and we don’t want to see anything happen to you. But we are also worried about the all the kids involved getting hurt and having this around them. We want you there doing things with them as much as they want and need you there. But you can’t keep doing what you are doing and coming around them. We are here for you and will help you anyway we can and will let us. And go from there and see what happens.

He has said over and over that he misses the family and the kids and it kills him that he don’t get to see his kids and things. All the kids like him and having him around he asked me when we were out the other night when he was supposed to be coming over to help Oldest clip the birds wings. He is all over bff’s daughters boyfriend he don’t like him he is just waiting for some one to say something so he can run him off. He is talking about fixing the deck with her little boy and getting the 4 wheeler going and all of us going camping and things. It is great because her kids don’t have that guy in their life like mine. Even when there dad is there he does nothing with them, they told us the other day we were all horse playing and things. Her one daughter said daddy would have had a fit we made noise and sent us to our room he would’t of helped us with our tents. He is worse than Father of the year in some ways because at least Father of the year would do things with the kids hers won’t he just sits on the couch barks orders and everyone better shut up and not say a word. But anyway.

Just tell Sleeping Beauty all this and come at it from a what is best for the kids, we have to look out for our kids and protect our kids. Yes maybe you aren’t doing it why you are with them around them or what, but what if something happens to you, your on a slippery slop what happens when you get worse hit rock bottom and your on your way down? What happens when you decide to just disappear again? It isn’t fair to them. They all love you and having you around you do them. You need to do this for you and them. I will say to him what would you say if you knew someone else was doing what you are doing and we had them in the picture letting them get so close to our kids? Or that was one of us doing it and our kids involved? You are not different. Why is it okay for you but not the rest?

I was talking to bff this morning and she said that she is supposed to meet the kid that was staying with her and his girlfriend their baby out tonight. Her son asked if Sleeping Beauty could come because he has to fix her headlight. She said the kids girlfriend called and asked her if Sleeping Beauty was clean? Said because if he isn’t they can’t have him around. She said she just told her she thinks so but she been hearing things she didn’t know really. She said well they would know when they seen him and talk to him. Because they don’t want that around. She keeps saying if he talks to him he will tell her. I said girl how many of us have told you I even looked it up on line and told you. She said i know. You just don’t want to believe it. I said I know but you have to.

J said just get away and leave it alone. I said but J we can’t just walk away and leave it alone. I said it is like this I said what if it was me and you and I had that problem? Or you slipped I couldn’t just walk away. I said just like you wouldn’t you be down here kicking my ass. She said yeah I know. I said all feelings everything a side I said it isn’t about anything like that I not interested in that anymore it is just a friend thing that if you are a friend you say something and try to do something. She said yeah I know. She even said he may never get away from it staying around here. I said I wonder what his mom thinks or what and how we thought about talking to her. She said it sounds like mom keeps him under control but she can’t always or forever. She said unless she has a problem as well she don’t like it knows something is wrong and don’t like it either and wants him to get help and off it all. I said yeah what I know but I know nothing about his mom i have never talked to her or seen her other than she was in the car in the driveway and at the store. But I know bother him and his brother is this way and from the way he talks his brother is worse than him. He dont’ want to be around his brother and he says that is who he was with when he got shot. he has always told me from the time we started talking he didn’t want to be around his brother. His brother was going to give him a job let him stay with him he didn’t want to do it.

But I think approaching it as we are worried about you, we care, we are here and the kids is what is going to get through if anything at all will. The kids most of all.

I better get off here and get work done I can’t believe it is Friday already. I start my new job Monday Yay.

 



{March 14, 2019}   What To Say or Do

Me and Bff talked this morning, Sleeping Beauty ended up staying at her house last night. She got pulled over on the way to see me at work last night waiting on me to get off. Her headlight was out. It is messed up and keeps coming lose and going out. I passed them and had to wait on them once I got off before they could pick me up.

We went out and then went to Wal Mart. He had said he had a friends house to stay at and was bringing clothes. I guess last night when we left the store she asked him where she was dropping him off and he said it was so late he guessed at home. She was scared to take him home with her light and it was so late she didn’t want to drive up there. She had one of the older kids friends staying over she told him she didn’t know if he was on the couch or in her sons room but he could sleep where ever he wasn’t. Her son in Mr. 8’s age he sleeps with her. So she said he slept in his room. She had to take him home to get clothes this morning because he forgot his bag of clothes.

I told her that was all bullshit. I said what he had on looked brand new and very clean. I said why didn’t he stay at the guy who was there with us’s house? That is where he stayed the night I was supposed to take him home and he decided to stay there instead so I didn’t have to drive him all that way that late. He sat there at the table last night talking to the guy and talking about being at his house just Friday or Saturday and staying there. He didn’t seem like he would of cared one bit if he had asked and stayed there last night. I told her the bag by his feet in her truck looked like the one that he had his clothes in before. It may have been his lunch bag from that day but I don’t think so. I asked her what her old man, old boss was going to say. She was like I know I don’t know blah blah. She knows like I do he is going to hit the fucking roof. He is going to go off. He had a fit about him and where he stayed the other week when we were all drinking. He swore he stayed there then and not down the street like she said and wanted to know where he slept and everything. She could of maybe got away without him knowing but she told the little kids he was there and sent him to wake him up. If she had just closed the door and kept them out of there took them to school then picked him up and took him home to shower and change clothes they would not have known she wouldn’t of had to tell him anything. Like I told her the other week he stayed down here for some reason had worked all day and went the next day in the same clothes because he couldn’t get home to change. So he could of went home with that guy or had her drop him off over there and went to work in the clothes that he was in. They were a lot better than what he was in the other day when he done it. But whatever that is hers to sort out and deal with. It better not get turned around to me he was her with me and something happen I didn’t take him or couldn’t take him home. If it does I am going to tell her and him both, this is not going to happen one of you need to tell him the truth about it or I am because I already get my ass jumped or chewed by you about telling people shit I haven’t but then you all can use me and say this to make things okay and not cause problems. We are all friends whatever but I am not doing this like this. Whatever you all are or are not doing I don’t care but I am not being used as the excuse for why he is around.

But anyway why he was inside taking a shower and getting changed me and her were talking on the phone. We were talking about him and what all went on last night and in the past and what is going on.

I told her look he is moving a few doors down from you, what if he gets in to something like before, they see him at your house all us hanging out? What might happen? I said and yes he is a decent person can be a decent person, great with the kids, fun to be around or what. But when it comes down to it he is no different than anyone else who is on something he should not be around the kids. If it was anyone else we would not have him around them or let them around them. I said not only that but even if nothing happens he is not stopping, he isn’t trying to stop, he just keeps going and right now it might be once a week, three times a week or whatever it is but it will just get worse and worse. He isn’t just doing it now and then and losing weight like that and looking like that. I pointed out how he is making x amount of money and told me he got a raise a few times. If he gives his mom this much for rent, this for gas, spends this on food he still should have this much for the month to do something with. He is making more than what I am figuring off of if he really got raises or he was really making what he told me.

I said he has nothing to show for anything. It isn’t like he has a car, he has fixed his license, he has his own place, computers, tv,s or money in the bank even. He has nothing at all to show for it. She told me he told her it would cost $7000 to get his license back. I said and he had been at his mom for just over 2 years. Even if he was only making $2000 a month and he gave his mom all that we figured he could still have $700 a month to save or do anything he wanted. If he owes $7000 he could pay $293 a month the last two years he has been there still have $400 a month to live on or buy things he needs and have his license back right now. And have some kind of decent or half way decent car or saving to buy something a little better.

We talked about how he looked at my house how he looked when he came back. She don’t remember how he looked when he came in after being at his mom’s for a while. I said you pointed it out to me. She said she don’t remember. I told her you know it isn’t fair to the kids either because what if something happens to him or he gets into shit and someone does something to him or he gets into it even more because he just seems to be going more and more into it. Then what do we say to them explain that to them. They don’t need to deal with it. I said I don’t know I don’t think he should be around them. I said if it was anyone else you be the first to say no this isn’t right they can’t be here and everything. We talked about everything that has happened and other have said. I said again it isn’t like everyone decides oh lets say this or that about so and so. I said we have been hearing it for months now. She started talking about her brother and things, he overdosed and died right before we stopped talking. Like a matter of few weeks. He died we were still talking a little and then by the time they did his celebration of life we weren’t.

I said I am not trying to say anything at all bad about him, or put him down or anything like that. I said if I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t have a house and all that to take care of and pay for on my own, I would have a roommate or two or rent a room. I said and everyone talks about him staying with his mom and them but she has been sick, her husband has he helps her and things. If it works for them and everyone is okay with it then what does it matter. Hell at least he cam trust them not worrying about what kind of roommate your getting or if they are going to pay rent or split or steal your stuff party all the time and things like that. But I just said to her if it is working so what not a big deal. But if you make what you say and your not spending it on a car, license or anything else to show for it then why don’t he have money in the bank to do something with? Why does he never have money when we go out and things? Even if it is just $5 or $10 like we have sometimes.

I said I know you want to see the good and believe the best of everyone, I know you do and I do too because we know it is there. We know how he is but the fact of the matter is he is a good person but he has a problem. I said he thinks he has us all fooled and ha ha they are so clueless and just love having me around and the kids do and they let me come around and hang out with them and blah blah. I said if it was anyone else what would he be saying or if it was one of us that was doing it and around our kids what would he be saying about us or think?

She just sounded like she had this wow moment she said your right I see it my brother went through this and back and forth on and off of it before he died and things. I see what your saying and talking about now. I never really thought about it or looked at it all together or that way. She was like this isn’t good. I said no it isn’t. She said something has to be said he has to stop something has to change. I said I know. But we have to really carefuller about how we go about it. I said I want to say something to his mom about it and feel her out see what she thinks about it all or has to say about it all. But I don’t know how she would respond to it but she has to know. I said but I don’t want to say anything with her sister the way she is. I don’t want to bother her. But thinking about it would it be better to say something to her now than after and then waiting for who knows how long before it is a good time to talk to her? I just don’t know. I said I don’t know if each of us should say something to him at different times about it just bring it up in conversation? Or if we should say something together? Or say something to his mom and all of us say something together to him or what. I said he is going to shut down and be combative I think. Not in a fight kind of way but in a I don’t have a problem I don’t know what your talking about or just not talk and leave.

I told her to we are all just enabling him by not saying anything and letting him do it and thinking we don’t know. I said then how are we going to feel if something happens to him? It is on all of us for not saying anything. I said I am not going to keep sitting back and not saying anything. She said yeah I never thought about that your right.

She said they were talking and she said she told him she knew what all their friend was doing and in to and to promise her he wouldn’t get into all that if he moved down there. He told her he wouldn’t. I said well it is sitting right with you because he already is. He isn’t getting mixed up in it with him he is already in it. I said and I don’t know what all friend is into but I am pretty sure that Sleeping Beauty told me that when the kid that was staying with her got in trouble for failing his drug test right before he came there he was with them down there they were staying down there. I am sure Sleeping Beauty told me he went and got it and brought it back there. He told me he didn’t do it then I don’t know we were just starting to talk and he was just starting to really talk to me and open up to me about things so I didn’t say much. At that point it wasn’t going to change anything or make or break anything. She said she thought the other guy that lies all the time was the one that went and got it. I said I think he was there and he is the one that took Sleeping Beauty but I am sure he is the one that brought it there.

I thought of it after we were home last night, I wish I had thought of it sitting there when they got up and went to the bathroom and sent her oldest boyfriend in the bathroom when they went. There is no doubt in my mind he would of walked in right as they were handing it off or doing it. He couldn’t have denied it then.

We are going to have to think about it and figure something out because maybe I am wrong but I think something needs said. We enable him by bringing him with us so he is here to meet this guy or these people to get it. If we aren’t buying his stuff when we go out using our gas to go get him and drop him off. He stays between this guys house and his dyke friend as he calls her, house. He been staying at them a lot lately from what I have heard from listening to him talk. He was at one’s house Friday and the other Saturday. because he was trying to decide with the guy last night if what day he was at his house and what day he was at the others. He stayed at the ones house the other week when we were “together” and I dropped him off at the other guys house when he hung out with us that first night back a month or two a go. He has told us about staying at their houses a lot lately when we been hanging out. He was with the one the other week when I asked him to talk to him and he asked me to take him home that night. That what happens the more he decides to or starts hanging out with them for whatever reason he gets into this.

I told her it is really sad because I know he wants more and to do more. He wants to get away from it. When he got shot back a year or so ago he said he was to old for this he had to quit doing this and all that. He said he wasn’t looking to get with anyone meet anyone or anything he was just going to work on himself. I thought GREAT, that is wonderful, finally maybe he will finally do it, this is his wake up call. He seem to be doing pretty good for a while. I didn’t see him a lot so I don’t know. But we were talking a lot and he would be at home. He sent me a few pictures here and there when we were talking about different things. I knew he was home and he wouldn’t be talking to me as much as he did if he wasn’t. He looked good in the pictures he sent so I thought okay he is doing better.

Then I started not hearing from him as much again and then not at all for a bit. Then people started coming to me asking me if I had seen him? How he was doing? If he was okay? If he was back on something again? Told how he was looking again.

Like I told Bff, I can understand where he is coming from, I can relate more than anyone really knows probably. I said because I he has really open up to me over the year and half or more that we have been talking. He has told me how he grew up, he has told me how his ex’s are and how they treated him. I said calling him this that and the other and saying things to him. I said just about how father of the Year use to treat me, call me cunt, whore, bitch, and everything else. Tell me I was like “all the rest” What and how I was all the time. I said that sticks with you after a while and I said not just one but more than one over and over is even worse.

I said back when all the things that happen the last few years and before that even, it was a daily fight for me not to drink. I said I wanted to drink I wanted to drink hard every single day for a long time. Not just drink but get drunk. I said it slowly got easier but still I would say a good 3 to 4 times a week to this day I want to drink. I said I know if I did it today then it would turn into two days a week and then 4 until it was everyday and it wouldn’t take long at all I would be bad. I know this. I said one reason I haven’t is because I haven’t had the money to drink like that and to drink what I drink. I said I have a few times over the years here and there like the other night. But I said if I did it as much as I wanted to I would be drinking all the time. Not drunk like the other night to the point of not knowing what is going on but drunk. I said besides not having money I also have my kids I have to be able to take care of. I said but it is hard, I said it is hard to not do it, I said you wake up a lone you go through your day alone, you deal with all the bullshit alone, you go to bed alone and all you do is think about all that is going on now, all that has happen, all that has been said and your there alone it must be true. I said I have one advantage I do have my kids that I have to take care of that helps keep me from drinking as well. But look who does he have he misses his kids hate he can’t see them wants that family and things. To know it is right there and he can’t have that. I can truly understand what he is dealing with and where he is coming from and how he got on it and does it. I don’t know how he want that rout or what but I understand why and how hard it must be now to get off of it once you been doing it for so long and the pain is still there. Honestly the last few weeks it has been one of them times I have been fighting not to drink. I said that is why I drank that night.

So I don’t know what we are going to do from here but something has to be said very soon because of the kids and things. I just really don’t know what to do how to handle it. I still feel that we should talk to his mom but I don’t know how that would turn out. I don’t want to run him off but I now he will probably stop coming around. I don’t want to push him that way even more. But how are we going to feel if we say nothing and something happens?

Sometimes I feel that I should just forget it and leave him alone. But we are friends and like Mr. Auto said that is your friend talk to them, help them, don’t watch something happen to him. But again you can’t help someone that isn’t open to help.



{May 3, 2018}   Love People

Just seemed fitting after my last post. Love then where they are and watch what happens.



This is a phrase everyone keeps saying to me. I keep thinking how is anyone supposed to even want to try to get better if that’s everyone’s view on them?

After reading and researching I can understand the phrase more and what is meant by it. But still on the fence on how I feel about the phrase. Because it seems to be used out of context a lot. It’s like someone is trying to turn their life around and do better but they slip up. Its like oh well they aren’t really trying and then comes the ol, once an addict always an addict phrase. As if oh they slipped up they are never going to make it or change. I could be 100% wrong and maybe that isn’t how they mean it but it’s how it comes across.

Like if someone decides today I’m not going to do X anymore people think it’s like flipping a switch or something everything just goes away and they are never going to touch it again. If a few days a week or months later something happens they screw up one day out of 365, everyone is there to down them and give up on them rather than encourage them and help them. It’s like they think they are just going to keep on going falling. Not that they could say oh I slipped yesterday but I’m not going to do it today too just because I did yesterday. Some will fall harder and may feel oh well I can’t do it so and keep going for a while again. But that is not what I am talking about. Even then to say once, always isn’t giving hope or encouraging to them either.

Let me just say this as well, I am not talking about enabling them at all. Because that does no good for anyone involved. There is a huge difference in, enabling some one and being there to encourge them support them, and just be a friend. It is important to know the difference and make sure of what you are doing.

Just like right now with Starfish, I am being there for him to talk to give advice and encourge him. When he tells me he done something stupid I don’t ignore it but I don’t support it either. Just like when he said he went to do something for boss and everything happen. I ask him why he would do that and pointed out how it never turns out good and how it makes him look and lets him keep having control and things. That he needs to stay away from him he wants to do better he keeps letting him drag him down he isn’t going to do better if he don’t disconnect. When he told me you told me not to take this phone. I said because I knew how he was and how it would be. I was looking out for you. I am guilty of enabling him as well a little. There is no excuse for it I should of stud my ground and refused to do things his way but I didn’t want to fight over it all. I just wanted it handled and taken care of. To be done with it. I learned my lesson and know better now.

Like my bff said I am that one truly stable person in his life that is doing it and maybe struggling but keeping it together. I’m not doing all the crap I could be doing or a lot of people around here are. I do try to just do what is right, help when I can and just be a friend when I can. I don’t judge or use or put people down. If they really need the help they are trying I will be there to do what I can, because I know what it is like to have no one really and always be judged and put down. It sucks and I do not know how I hold on sometimes. People don’t relise that you could be that person’s last little thread of hope when they are reaching out to you. Your response really could make a huge difference in what way they go, rather it just be someone going through a hard time, or someone that just needs a break from their kids because they are with them 24/7 and doing it all with no break or help. Give them an hour take the kids let them cool off and destress. If not what may happen? Look at all these poor kids you see who been abused or killed. Just like the shaken babies. Its is stressful when they don’t stop crying and when your tired and dealing with the rest of life. I have sat my baby in the crib and walked away outside because I just needed a break. I knew they were safe and it gave me a few minutes to collect myself.

It is kind of the same way with addicts, if they have no one and no one cares or tries to help them, then why quit? You have the same either way. Even though there are reasons to stop no matter what they are not looking at it that way. Just like he has said many times no matter how hard I try I get knocked back down and everyone attacks me says this that and the other so why try to do better they say shit either way. People like that need that positive in their life that support to get past that shit when it happens until they are strong enough to see it on their own.

I was and still am in some ways the same when dealing with my depression. I feel like I am getting no where, I am working my ass off my kids are having problems, I am almost keeping everything going. But I have no life my kids are suffering over it I am alone and not good enough for any other job because no matter how hard I try or how many I go to someone else always gets it. So why bother? Why try? I can’t give up I have to keep going because I have 4 kids waiting on me for everything. And I am also to fucking stubborn, the hell I am going to fail and give all these fuckers the chance to enjoy seeing me fail and that ha ha I couldn’t do it. So people that don’t have kids and feel they have no one what do they have to push them and give them that drive to do better when they keep getting knocked down?

While reading up on addiction and things it was talking about why people become addicts or stay addicts. And that was one of the two main things they pointed out. That some just are and it bcomes a problem before they even know it. They just tried it or thought they could just do it and stop when they got ready. While others are because of their environment. If they had a better support system and things they could get off of it and turn their life around do great from now on. But without the support when things happen they have no where or no one to turn to so what do they do? Go back to what they know.

Everyone keeps telling me I can’t save Starfish, he has to want it himself, do it for himself, once an addict always an addict, its not worth the time and on and on. First I am not stupid I know I can not save him and I am not trying to. I know that I am not going to do nothing that I do not want to do no matter how much someone else wants me to if its something I am set on. So I know that I can’t make someone do anything. But I also know that he wants to be away from all this once and for all. When we talk its not like he just saying what he thinks you want to hear. We can be talking about something that has nothing to do with that he will start talking about it and you can just tell that it bothers him. He wants change but he is stuck and in that cycle oftrying to do it get knocked down everyone attacking you, to trying and doing ok to down again. Like I said before I think he got a good job away from the shop and not at that lot he was working at and found a good place to stay he be okay. Just like the job at the lot he knew he messed up it wasn’t a good place for him and he left. Because they were all into stuff and patying. If he really wasn’t wanting away from it why wouldn’t he of stayed? He worked there for years and done this with them it was like home for him. He thought he go back just work do his job and stay out of it until he could get something else. But he couldn’t he was to close to them all and it was just to easy to say fuck it and go on.

I don’t know I could be wrong but I really don’t think I am and hope that I’m not, because he is a good person who has a lot to offer and deserves to be happy.



{April 16, 2017}   Happy Easter

Hope everyone is having a good day with friends and family. I guess we will be going to eat and to the park with my sister, her family my mom and Father of the Year. Then we are going to go to the part hide eggs and give my niece her birthday gift and my little one her other gift. We were going do cake and stuff but where we are going to eat is going to have all that stuff so I am not getting another one. They both had cake on their day so it be okay.

I am feeling a little better from last night, my mind finally stopped and let me go to sleep. Probably those couple drinks I had when I was out last night. But I have been thinking about it again today. Trying not to but feeling lonely on top of everything don’t help things any. Not looking forward to seeing my mom and Father of the Year but I want to see my sister and her family and the kids want to see my mom.

Guess I should get off here get dressed we should be leaving in just a little bit and I haven’t gotten dressed yet or anything. Not that I have to do more than that really. Clothes been washing and drying so couldn’t. Got get the kids rounded up make sure everyone is showered and dressed.



{June 11, 2014}   Robbed

IMG_22124183685173

I’ve posted this poem I wrote not to long ago. I shared it with a group of ladies and they felt it needed to be shared and said it needed a background. A meme of sorts I guess you would call it. Heck I don’t know, all I know is I had never done anything like that before. I never really had time to sit down and mess with it till now. Still no clue what I’m doing made this with a picture I took a few years back at the river usen the paint program. So picture and poem were both done by me.



et cetera
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