{July 18, 2019}   A Complete Failure

I’m sitting here at my desk at work fighting not to cry and trying to figure out what to do. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Nothing is right, nothing I do is right, or turns out like it is supposed to. If I don’t work or not getting enough hours not making enough money I am wrong, if I am working and making enough I am wrong because I am working to many hours. The kids are all unhappy. Oldest had a fit on me this morning sending messages because he isn’t happy. I truly don’t know if I have felt any worse ever in my life. I am in that spot that there is that one huge problem that I can’t get rid of that is making everyone miserable and unhappy. Oldest freaking out about it this morning. I agree with her 100% but I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. She is having a fit everyone is unhappy and miserable.

Now I have done the stupidest thing ever and gave all our money away. I have missed three days of work with the holiday and going to see about this truck and taking care of other things that needed taken care of. I can’t sell my truck didn’t’ think I would get much out of it but can’t get anything out of it. Spent money because I was measurable and the kids were upset did something just to get them out of the house. I haven’t been out of the house other than work or with he kids in a month or more probably. I have hardly talked to BFF. She I don’t know what is going on with her. She so far up others asses she has hardly said anything to me. Calls or messages when there isn’t anyone else around. She wanted me to go out last night I said okay and headed that way when I got off work. Then she tells me she is bringing kids and Sleeping Beauty. I thought it was just her or her and her aunt. I told her I wasn’t coming if she was bringing all them. I wasn’t bringing my kids I wasn’t going to hangout with someone others and that it was adults night. She just said she didn’t’ know she just had two of them and whatever. I said well I’m not coming, maybe you will find time to hangout again. She said she just wanted to talk or something like that and about counseling had started and the way things were. I told her yeah I knew and when she had time we could talk. I was going home if she was dragging everyone with her. That is what I did, went home.

The kids have talked to her and wanted to get with her and the kids and things. She has some excuse. I have told her lets get them together or do this or that and tried to get her to go to breakfast with me the other day. She said she couldn’t and she was supposed to go with her mom and that she was supposed to be getting with so and so and the kids and doing something. I said okay. I’m not going to be sitting here waiting or just fall back into things like I did after she let Wendy come between us. We didn’t talk for years then. I tried then and she did the same thing just make excuses because she listen to others. I will not do it again this time. When she comes back around for whatever reason I’m going to tell her we tried this twice before it didn’t work just forget it. I was going to say something to her last night when we went out. She messaged me yesterday out of the blue I hadn’t talk her her in a while and said she understood why I felt the way I did about Father of the Year and what I meant about him just living life and things. Then wanted to go out last night. But you can’t talk with the kids there and I don’t care of the one she was bringing with her I love her kids but the one is a brat and she does nothing about it. i wasn’t in the mood for her last night and like i told her i needed an adult night i wasn’t leaving mine at home to hangout out with others if i was going to hangout with kids i bring mine.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: