{November 14, 2017}   Everything’s Going To Be Alright

I am still in a funk, mood, I don’t know what you would call it. I keep thinking about all the bills and everything I owe out right now but I just like oh well it will work out. I will figure it out, although I haven’t really been figuring it out and have not idea what to do. I don’t know what made me think of this song but for some reason it has been on my mind lately. R.C use to play this all the time. I remember cooking or cleaning and listening to it playing in the background as the kids all ran around and played and we talked an did things. I really had not even thought of him in a long time even. My friend brought him up the other night. First time I thought of him in a while. She was just saying wouldn’t it be something if he showed back up. I said well he could see her and spend time with her if she wanted to, but he can’t leave with her and it be a long time before he would be allowed to take her off by himself and we would have to have court papers drew up first. He could not take her around his girlfriend. He could bring her around his daughter and the boys or whatever kids of his he wanted to but not his mother or girlfriend. But as I have always said I will not keep her from having whatever kind of relationship they ever decide to have if they do. I just have to make sure she is protected at the same time and until I know she is they would have to do it supervised by myself or someone I trusted.

I have my check I have not cashed but it all goes to the school, I have my pay from the last two weeks at the shop that is still owed to me. I left early week before last to take care of something didn’t make it back before they closed. I just hadn’t gotten it. I was going to get it all last Friday but forgot it was a holiday weekend and things were going to be closed. I was going to go in and work get my two days in but he was closed Friday and I didn’t get up there Thursday because I didn’t know he wasn’t going to be open the next day. I am going up there tomorrow and work and again Friday. I will get that but it isn’t a lot. Gas, lights and that is probably it. I need to start buying something for Christmas for the kids even if it is just little stuff and get it put up so I have something for them. I wanted to get them their lap tops and a power wheel but that isn’t going to happen now I guess. I think I will still have enough to get them 3 to 5 things each and decent things if I start shopping now and get some deals.

I just don’t know how to get over this feeling, I don’t know if I want to get over this feeling. Right now I feel pretty relaxed and stress free just about. It feels good but at the same time something keeps going this isn’t normal, why do I feel this way, how long is it going to last, don’t jinks it, just ride it out, what’s going to come next, is this what it feels like to not be stressed by someone or something all the time, is this what it is like to be happy, is this what happy feels like, it don’t feel like I thought it would, what am I missing, what bad is going to happen, oh i need to get on that room and get it rented out, i want to but i don’t want to hear everyone’s input on it, who cares what they say, is this what it is like to live and not have to answer to anyone? All this goes through my head about a million times a day at about 100 miles per hour, just like that. Then I go to I don’t really feel anything, not happy not sad not mad not anything. Thats what I am feeling how do you feel nothing? If you are feeling nothing then you are feeling something right? This goes racing through my mind with it. It just plays over and over and over again like a cd on repeat. Why do I feel this way, is it normal to like feeling this way or not care that you feel this way? Are the thoughts I have when I sit and think about it. Why am I so moody and get so mad at things at the drop of a hate and ready to fight when I feel nothing the rest of the time?

I am sleeping but not good, if I fall a sleep early I am waking up in a few hours or I am up most the night and only sleeping a few hours. I feel all out of order but perfectly normal and fine at the same time. Even though it isn’t normal I guess it is my normal that I have gotten use to over the years. Then I think about all this and it just makes no since. I keep telling myself I need to make and appointment and go to therapy again since I haven’t been in a while. But then I think do I really need to go when I feel nothing at all right now? What am I going to tell her? I don’t feel anything? I like it but is it normal or it’s my normal.

et cetera
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