{June 3, 2020}   Same Old Same

Not a lot going on nothing new really. Just normal everyday life stuff. Been feeling more depressed lately and I am not liking that at all. Sunday I was in a pretty bad spot. Things were different than a normal sunday. I didn’t handle it well. The stress of a relationship is something I have been 2nd guessing for a while now.

Not that I am not happy with JW because I am very happy. It is just the extra stress of being stretched so far already and now adding this in the mix. Feeling guilty when I am with him because I am not with the kids. Being upset and angry that I feel that way and that I don’t have free time ever to do things I would like to do or want to do. Because I am the only one they have and I am it 24/7/365. I resent it and it pisses me off and i just want to pack their shit and drop them on their father’s door steps and take a break. I can’t do that and that pisses me off. Its just a big circle that nothing can be done about right now. It pisses me off everyone else does whatever they want to do and has help and tome away.

Like Sunday J.W said he wasn’t doing our normal Sunday whatever. He was staying home doing some things. I get it he only has the one day off. But it just upset me or what because i should of been able to do what I needed to do and gone back over. But I couldn’t i had be home with the kids. I can’t ever just decide I’m going to do this or that for me today or because its what I want to do. Because i always got to be available for and to the kids.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids more than anything. But everyone needs a break once in a while and I never ever get that. Its been over two years since I had a sitter for my kids. Then that was only 3 of them and it was because I was doing something with the other. And if anything happen I still had to be able to leave go take care of it. I don’t know the last time I didn’t have to be available or really worry. Probably over 8 years ago when me and RC were together. The kids would go with Father of the Year for the weekend. Since then I have been the only one doing it all. Even after that if he had anything to do with them it was take them run to the store bring them back or sit at the house with them until he got ready to leave. I couldn’t have anyone over and he was going to leave when ever so I had to be there to be with them. If i left i had to make sure i was back. I couldn’t just say im spend the night here or there or come home when i want to or what. It sucks. Never having a break to just do for yourself. You can try to take time here there but it is not the same.

So life been pretty much same crap different day. Depression no break worse depression stretched to far ready to give up feeling hopeless angry and resentful. Don’t care if you live or die Same kind of day. Not resentful of my kids but these assholes who call theirself men and daddies.

The other night I was thinking about Father of The Year and how I felt when I seen him that day in court and how I felt when I foundout we were going back to court. Why I felt that way. It is that fight or flight feeling but I am not scared of him so why would I feel that way? I thought I had maybe processed it and figured it out before, but it did not feel right. It has bothered me all this time when I think about it. Why do I feel such a way when we are there at the courthouse but not out in public?

The other day thinking about it, it hit me. I am not affraid of him, I am not worried about what he is going to do. It is me that is the issue. I am so angry about all that he has done to the kids and how he is treating them, ignoring them, refusing to pay to make sure they have what they need or want. Then to think about what he did to me all those years. When I see him it just pisses me off. I get this anger or rage that just washes over me. That is how I felt in the court house this anger that then turned to fight or flight.

I felt that way because I want to confront him, I want to say something to him about how he is doing his kids, how it is effecting them, the things they say and feel. How this isn’t right. I deal with what he did to me and am working through it I could careless. But the way he is doing them is so very wrong and leaving them with things that will effect them from now on and leave things they will have to work through and deal with in their relationships. As if they were not hard enough as it is.

My thing is I can not confront him at the courthouse and tell him what a piece of shit he is. I can’t confront him and tell him the things his kids say because it will be a fight. I will be the one reprimanded for saying something. I can’t tell him how his child ask if he is going to heaven so at least he will see him there and how he said he had thought about hurting himself before. How this is his fault for walking away from him and acting as if they do not exist.

I can confront him in public because he will just run away or jump up and say lets go outside. There he will start and try to have me arrsted. Why he knows what he is doing and what he has done and walks around and has everything handed to him and just don’t show up for court like he is untouchable. That, that untouchable fuck you attitude is what really pisses me off and makes me want to knock the hell out of him. I know one of these days I just may do it. At the courthouse is not the place to do it.

{October 9, 2018}   Still Not Asleep

I have been awake for 2 hours or more since I was woke up earlier. I can not stop thinking about things. Right now I am so angry I just want to explode. I have done nothing but fight tears for days felt depressed and sad. Today and now I just feel anger and rage. The more I lay here awake the worse it gets. I am tired I wanted that 3 hours sleep I neef it. I walk around in a haze because I am so tired no matter how much I sleep.

I am pissed of over this job shit. I am pissed off because I can not find a decent job with decent pay. I am pissed off because I am struggling so fucking much and can’t get anywhere have anything. I am pissed off because I tried to be the bigger person do what was right and let this bitch come stay here and can’t get rid of her. All she does is add to the stress and struggle and rage. Because I am stuggling I can’t get her the fuck out of my house because it cost money.

I am struggling with a lot and pissed off about a lot. I am pissed off and full of rage over just about everything. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I have no peace no happiness nothing. No hope of anything getting better no hope of ever being happy having anything or anything else. Just the knowing that its probably just going to get worse.

I am pissed off that whatever happen in my head when I had my accident happen and that things are so much harder for me now. Work, school, cooking, driving even more. I have to stop and really think about what I am doing why I am doing it, how to do it, step by step what to do and if I have to remember something I have to work even harder to remeber it tell myself to remeber and why what I am supposed to be. I can’t apply for a lot of the jobs I use to where I have to do paperwork in a fast pace and multitask because I can’t do two or three things at once. By the time I stop and do one thing I have done 100% forgot the other.

I am pissed off that I have no one to talk to about anything or go to. No one that really cares. I have Bff but I know she gets tired of hearing about it. I get tired of thinking about it hearing about it living it and dealing with it. It pisses me off I do not have that relationship with my mom like others have with theirs that I can’t go to her for help support or understanding. That no matter how much I try how much i struggle that my life sucks and always will. That now I had this stupid accident and things are worse and no one see’s no one understands and if I say anything it will just be I am lazy making excuses and just don’t want to do this that or the other. I am lying why didn’t I say something then. But I did and Father of the year knows I did he kept saying something wasn’t right and something was wrong. But I thought it would get better it hasn’t and it don’t seem like it has been that long but it has. Just like that time, time is so different to me know. Things from the past rather it was yesterday or years ago seem like they never happen or were so long ago. Mostly just don’t seem real or like it happen .I have to think really hard about it and can’t remeber a lot of things or any details just that they may of happen.

How do I explain this to anyone and is there help? If so how do I get it? How do I make life less stressful because of it. I need some kind of relief from it but I am sure they will just blow it off or say its my depression and anxiety and stress. But it has gotten a lot worse because of it too. I don’t know who to talk to what or if anything can be done how to get someone to listen and believe me help me. If something is wrong then what? What do I do? My head hurts I am so angry in such a rage. I can only sleep an hour and 15 minutes and still not able to fall a sleep. I am going to go try but i will probably just lay here thinking about things and getting mader until time to get up then i will be in a bad mood the rest of the day.

{September 8, 2018}   React Without Thinking

This, this right here is why I need someone to go with me if I have to take the kids to see Father of the Year. I will react without thinking. Like I said they do what to me but now they are bringing my kids into it. Momma bear will fight in a second and think when it is all done.

Just like the time I almost got in a fight when I was pregnant with my 3rd. I done jumped out of the truck and was going off. Never thought about being pregnant until it was all done and over, I was on my way home.

I am one who goes from fine to done in the blink of an eye when it comes to some people or somethings said. When that happens there is no thinking.  I don’t like it but it’s just how I have always been.

{July 22, 2018}   Let That Really Sink In

{April 21, 2018}   Back on Medication

I went to the doctor for something back in January, can not remember for the life of me why because I never go. But I did and they gave me paperwork for blood work. I went and finally got it about a week ago, I forgot about it and lost the papers for a while. It was to check my thyroid because I have not been to the specialist like I was supposed to of went to a year or more ago. I couldn’t find one close I didn’t have time to mess with it.

They called the other day said the doctor wanted me to come back in to talk about my blood work. I asked if it showed anything more than what the last ones did and they wouldn’t tell me. I went in yesterday and it was just the same as before everything looks good but my thyroid. She says but we treat at a 4 or something and yours is a 6. It’s been right at a 6 for years. She said she did not think it was high enough to treat. I know when you research it they say it shouldn’t be over 2 and that isn’t great but the high end of okay. I didn’t get into it with her. I just told her I had nod-gels on it and that my grandma had half hers taken out and my aunt had cancer that had to be treated. I told her they wanted me to see a specialist but I didn’t because I couldn’t find one. She said she was going to rewrite the paperwork for one. A girl came in the room to tell me when I needed to come in again and set it up and make sure I got the paperwork I needed. They are also sending me to the OB/GYN for the thing in my uterus and birth control. I do not understand why they can not give me the birth control right there but they only write for pills and the shot, if I want anything different then I have to go see the other. I don’t even know that I want to get it now but guess I will get this other thing checked out.

The lady was really nice who came in to get everything to me and all that. She said she was giving me the papers for the thyroid I needed to see someone. I told her that I didn’t go because I couldn’t find anyone to see me she said oh I will do that. I said you can I asked before they told me no it was up to me to figure out. She said no I will find you one and send the paperwork to them they should contact you for an appointment. She called me back later said she had one but I needed the ultrasound done again before they would see me. She is faxing it over to get it then going to set it up with the other place.

While the doctor was in there I told her I was on the lexapro and what happen when it stopped working and I tried to get something else. She talked to me for a little bit and said she wanted to give me something for depression and that it would help with my concentration. She said the only bad thing was that it could cause my anxiety to be worse. We talked about that I feel that my anxiety is okay but that I am having more of a problem with depression. I felt it was more depression before they kept telling me anxiety. My anxiety is different when it is bothering me. I don’t know how to explain it. But even then I can get it under control it don’t really cause problems in my day to day life. Where as with the depression like I told her I know I have stuff to do but I just want to stay in bed. I have to force myself to get up and leave my house so I don’t stay in bed but even then I don’t do the things I need to do. I avoid it and do other things unless it is life work I will force myself to go there. Even then like with the shop where I don’t really answer to anyone come and go when I want if I want I have been really slacking there not going not wanting to go.

She gave me wellbutrin xl, I took it yesterday afternoon, I do not like the way I felt last night at all by about 9 or so. I don’t know if it was from the pill or what. I was just so pissed off and upset. It was all I could do to keep from crying I just wanted to get away from everything and everyone. I wanted to just leave work in the middle of my shift. Nothing really happen to make me that way. I got lost on one of my runs, not really lost I just had a hard time seeing the addresses because it was so dark and where I was at. I was talking to Starfish from the shop as well nothing really going on we were talking on the phone while I was driving. I made off hand comment about my lights needing fixed and things. But nothing really to put me in the mood I all of a sudden in. We talk about the truck and all that is wrong and things all the time I don’t get that way. I have one if not two runs that are a pain in the ass to find I get aggravated for a minute find it and everything is fine. Last night I was ready to lose it. I felt like I wanted to go into a rage and cry all at the same time. I keep thinking taking one pill wouldn’t do all that, but then I keep thinking that I never take anything and when I do take things it effects me a lot faster and a lot more than most because I don’t take things. I had forgotten about taking the pill until later even. I asked my friend that works with me if he ever taken it he said he stays away from if because of all the bad side effects. He said his wife took it and was allergic to it and was horrible. I know it takes a while for it to get in your system and start working like it should and even out. She said I am on a lower dose it’s 150. I just don’t know if I can handle this for 4 to 8 weeks for it to even out. I hope that it was just one bad night just because an nothing to do with the pill.

I will swing in moods at times or get to thinking about things or something will happen and I will be pissed off and upset and say things and want to go do things or go do things. But last night was just different feeling all together, than how I am when I get that way. I didn’t like it. Why must I deal with all this on top of all that I have to deal with already? I guess one or the other was’t enough.

{May 1, 2017}   Mixed Emotions

I don’t know why I am having such mixed emotions. I feel like one minute I am pissed off in a rage, the next I don’t know what I feel numb maybe, then I am fighting to not just bust out crying. I think I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party, but that isn’t how it feels. I did not think I would still be bothered so much by this at this point. Most the time I just be mad for the day then move on. But I can’t seem to move on from this, I just don’t understand why. I think a lot is because everyone keeps talking about it, I’m worried about it because I have to figure out what to do for the summer now so I can go to work. How to get everything paid because he just wrote me a note to turn in to some places saying he was going to pay me every week now and things. That is cutting any help I get down about $200 now. I just don’t know what to do, I have to fix all that if I can. I have to go to all these places and get things taken care of.

I hate this feeling I am so mad at her about all this. I feel so betrayed and violated her knowing so much and now with him telling him everything. I feel like anything and everything in my head has been dumped in the street for everyone to see that I have nothing that is personal anymore. I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone or tell anyone anything again. I feel so isolated and alone, and that I can’t trust anyone again. I can’t even explain it, it’s so confusing to me even. I feel angry at her at the same time I feel like i don’t even care about her anymore and it seems like how can I feel both or nothing at all. But I guess because I truly don’t care about her anymore, I could walk past her laying on the street an not think twice about her or offer to help. I still feel angry at her for what she did and being used.

My Big Boy keeps asking me mommy what’s wrong? Mommy why are you crying? I told him I wasn’t I was okay. He says but you look like your about to cry, I love you mommy. I know he does but I don’t feel loved by anyone, I don’t feel I matter to anyone, I don’t feel anyone cares. I just wish I could get over these feelings and go on with life. I want to go to the court house or child support and get this ball rolling but I had my test today and they are here now putting in my new door. Tomorrow I have two test and then therapy. I was thinking about not going back to therapy but I think maybe I should. Wednesday is half day at the school so I will not have time to get everything done I need to get done down there between the drive time there and back and the time I drop the kids off and pick them up. Thursday we have therapy and I have to be at the kids school all day. I guess I get to have another shitty Friday and deal with all this shit. I should know by then if he is going to show up and bring money this week or not. It don’t really matter if he does or not I am still going to go and have them take it right from his check and look at it to raise it to what he should have been paying all along. The only thing with that is it will cut everything else even lower but that is okay even if I just break even he will be doing his part and paying up. He won’t have all that extra money to blow on his whore.

I would love to take the kids drop them off and tell him it is his turn for a while and see how that goes over. He has no control over them and they will not listen to her after everything she has done. She will be losing her mind. See how long it is before she is leaving or he is bringing them back saying he can’t handle it.

I must get off here and finish my paper for school I just took my final in the class this morning I should have had it in last Monday and din’t. The teacher is cool and didn’t mind, I have just been so aggravated with everything, I almost don’t care about school anymore but I just keep telling myself it’s my way out just 12 more classes to go.

{January 28, 2014}   To Much Anger

Last night the kids were sitting around drawing and coloring before bed. We are sitting there talking and things. All of a sudden my big boy looks up and goes hey look I drew a picture and it looked something like this… chey I did this in paint but basically the same. He scribbled his all out or I would have just taken a picture of it. Anyway he says look me and brother are standing on the mount-en and that is sissy laying at the bottom she fell off. I know I really shouldn’t have but I laughed it was funny the way he said it. I know I know I know it isn’t good. My daughter freaked out he hates me why he do this and when he draws the family he leaves me out. Then she was saying he is going to do something to me one day and all this. I told her it is because of the way she treats him and how she calls him names and things. She and my mom of course say no it isn’t and she don’t do anything. Because she acts like little miss angel. I know a lot of it is from the way my mom treats her and him so different and things too. I didn’t say that I didn’t want to cause another big fight we had done had that for the night. So father of the year came home and someone said something to him about it and he is all flipping out and freaking out this isn’t good this isn’t right and blah blah.

Yes I know it isn’t right and yes I need to talk to his person about it but at the same time I can see how he feels and where he is coming from with it. I have always told my kids they can express how they feel and that it isn’t wrong that they feel this way or that way about something. Everyone has feeling and we all feel differently about different things. Some of us may cry because of something that others may not think twice about. Why others may get really angry about something why everyone else thinks it is funny. But I do need to talk to her and see what she thinks and let her talk to him and see if he will tell her what all is going on and if she seems to be worried about it.

et cetera
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