{November 19, 2019}   The Really You–Season 1—Game 3

Time for day 3 of The Really You Game


What makes you laugh, as in really laugh hard?

Most the time my kids are the ones I laugh the hardest at. Other than that would be my friends.

What makes you really angry?

when people don’t take responsibility for the things they are supposed to.  Being asked the the same thing over and over again will probably make me angry the fastest.

Who knows you the best?

This is a hard one, I don’t know if anyone really knows me. As I have said on here before you could talk to people at work, school, friends and close friends and ask them about me and they all would probably tell you something different. But they would all be true. Just like I was told before, everyone seems to know a little bit about you or something of/about you. Even my kids don’t know me as much as they probably think they do. The ones who know the most about me is probably My good friend knowing the most, bff and then “my friend” and J. J probably knows a little more than “my Friend” or about the same.


{February 1, 2019}   Don’t Talk To My Girl Like That

Last night me and the owners son just about got into it. Had he not been there we probably would have. He heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on.

When I got in the service manager came in and said she was leaving a key for a car to be picked up. She showed me the paper work and what she had to fill out and what papers were theirs and what we keep. She told me she didn’t owe money and that there was one in there already that did owe money. She took the one she had and put with the other where they are kept.

Everyone left it was just me and T Jr. there. His dad and his friend was in the office still but we were the only ones “working” he was in the office with them most the time. But there was nothing going on it didn’t bother me. I was doing things at my desk on my phone and looking on line.

In a little bit the lady came in and picked her car up. She was there for a but, she signed all the papers, I gave her the papers that were hers and the key and she even had time to go to the restroom. She left and went around to get her car. About that time T Jr came out asking if that was a car being picked up? I told him yes and he started about money being owed on it. I told him that there wasn’t any money owed on it and was trying to tell him it was a different car he kept on and on about it had money owed on it and everything else. I didn’t try to stop her I just let her keep going and he was going to the kitchen area to get the papers. He being loud and nasty about it. I started walking back there to where he was going.

About the time I got to the back of one of the cars we have sitting there about to go into the kitchen Mr. T come out of his office and across and was over there. He put his hand on my arm and was holding it we kind of walked in together. He seen T Jr and he was mad he said don’t talk to my girl like that, I’ll kick your ass. Why are you talking to her like that. He looked at me and said don’t let him talk to you like that, you tell me I will kick him in the ass. He don’t need to talk to you like that.

T Jr was saying something about I gave the people the car and money… He was pulling the paper out of the pocket it was in. Mr T. pulled it away from him and took it out and looked at it. I said there is no money owed on that. He looked and said she is right there isn’t money owed on it, it’s right there. I said no but there is Money owed on the other one over there. Then T Jr. says your on top of it or something like that and how did I know that and what to do? I said one, I talked to the girl from the service department when she brought that one in and hung it up there and she told me what to give them and do with it all. Two I’m not stupid I can read and it says right there $0 owed. Then T jr. is like oh and yeah your smart one I should of known you were on top of it and knew what you were doing or some crap like that. Trying not to look like the ass he looked like for what he just done. Mr. T looked at him and again said you better not talk to her like that again. Turned around and told me I was doing a good job, keep up the good work and went back to his office.

If he had not been there and heard it and come out when I walked in that kitchen we probably would have gotten into it and I would have left and went home. I am not going to be talked to like that and I am not going to be talked to like I am stupid or talked over when I am trying to explain something and told how I am wrong when they don’t know. If Mr. T had handled it differently and not said something to him about how he did and just took his side or played it off like it was no big deal I would of said something too. The rest take all their crap and just go on and that is why they talk to and about them the way they do. I think they knew from the start I don’t play that I am not putting up with crap being done that way they. That was the first time anyone has even gotten the least bit nasty with me for anything.

Now tonight I expect to get my lashing because I guess I left the program on the computer open and all the computers crashed and they were pissed. Mr. Auto called me this morning and told me I caused a big stir over there he was just letting me know before I got there what to expect. They can get onto me reprimand me or whatever they want to do. But I am not going to be yelled at, bitched out called anything or anything like that. I will tell them real fast yes I screwed up I take full responsibility for that but I am not going to be disrespected or what. I will find another job real fast. They can fire me or I will quite but I am not going to be done that way even if I mess up. We can talk about it like the adults we all are.

That one word or phrase that shakes you to your core? You have no iddea how to handle it or where to turne.

Laying in bed my little guy out of no where says to me…..

Mommy do you go to hell if you commit suicide?

I was confused as to where this was coming from and have very mixed ffeelings aabout the ansswer. But my brain screamed yes and it. Is what came out as an ansswer.

He said okay and rolled back over. I ask why he askedand where this came from.

He said his friend in k was talking about someone who done it and that is what his teacher told them.

Then he said I use to thhink about it when I was in 1st grade but I don’t anymorre. I asked why he would want to do that he just say he was mad or he would get really angry and would want to. But kept saying I don’t. Now, I don’t anymore and that. Was just when I was in first grade. He said I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep now.

They have not been to therapy since 2016 right after Father of The Year left. I feel they need to go but hadn’t found somewhere that would be good. They didn’t have insurance for a while. I feel I need to start taking them again and him for sure after that, but I am scared what they are going to say. I do not want them to blow it out of proportion try to take him and put him somewhere. I don’t know how they will or do handle things like that. I don’t want them to feel that i have done something and cause problems but I want him to get the help he needs. If i have to jump through hoops because they think it is somethimg that came from my house that is fine. But they can not put him somewhere he is to little and not in need of that kind of help. It would do much more harm than good with his seperation anxiety. Amd he would be so lost and scared somewhere like that he never dealt with anything like those places or being away from his family even over night. He is so sensitive it just be really bad for him all around.

He ask me all the time is daddy going to heaven so that I can at least see him there?

I found this to be such an odd thing to be asked but he is a very out of the box thinker I guess you could say. I didn’t think much of it. Now he said this and I have to wonder.

{June 1, 2018}   Mr. To Broken

Was messaging my friend when we were out with the kids last night and then started calling me. He calls through facebook all the time I don’t answer. I have told him over and over I do not amswer on there it is hard to hear and breaks up to much. Only time I answer on there is when I know someone don’t have a phone. He started calling me on there anymore I just hit no and forget it.

He started calling me on the phone then so I answered see what he wanted. We talked for a bit and then he said something about being ready. I said for what? He said Saturday was his birthday and to go out. I told him no I had to work, I just picked up an extra day at work for the Summer and if I got out on time I was going to do pizzas. He said something about going out I said I can’t I have to work and make money I have bills do I am not turning down any hours that they offer. He got mad I could tell.

I ask him didn’t he have the kids the weekend he always does. He said yes but his parents said it was his 40th they would watch them to go have fun. I told him go out have fun with friends he said no one wants to be bothered with him he thought we do something. I don’t know what gave him that idea at all. I finally said I had to go it was to loud and I was doing things with the kids. He started his I’m sorry blah blah stuff. I said yep okay talk to you later. I think I am going to just stop talking to him at all he reads way to much into every thing. From talking all the time to me asking how his day is or asking how he is or whats going on. And the getting mad or all upset because I don’t like him its just not good. He seems to be getting worse about it and more pushy with it.

Other guys I talk to are friends with and even some I have been interested in have said things about wanting to date wanting to be more or what but they are not like him. I say something back jokingly or we will talk about it or I will just tell them I am not interested and we go on as friends no problems. We will joke once in a while or something but no one is pushy or gets mad like he does.

I don’t like it and he knows what he is doing because of things he has said. Like the other night he said if I am bothering you or something like that just say so. Talking about always talking about going out or being together. Well I shouldn’t have to tell you because I already have told you over and over I am not interested, I have told you I am not looking at this time and that if I was I have feeling for someone else that is more than just interested in or liking. If that don’t say it then how is me telling you anything else going to change that? If he cared then he 1. Would not keep on and 2 would not get so mad when I keep saying no and refusing to go places with him. Just the way he has been the last few times and the one time when he came to my house I am starting to think it is going to be best to cut contact with him. If I don’t just tell him what all is wrong with him. That will probably make him mad enough to stop talking to me or make him hound me more trying to change and be someone I am interested in. He just is someone I never will be interested in. I been around his type to much I know how he is.

I have had the thought a few times he may not leave me alone either and may get nasty if I try to stop talking to him. It might get worse he is the obsessive type. If it gets to that point that he won’t leave me a lone after telling him I will get one of my friends involved. If I have to say something to my Good Friend and let him say something to him or if I say something to Starfish and let him say something to him. After that I will go to the police if it don’t stop. But I know either of them would say something if it came down to it and I told them about it and ask them to. Good Friend said I should of told him what was going on with Starfish when all that went down and he would of taken care of it. But I didn’t need him to and I told him that. Told him if I had needed him I would of told him. Starfish wanted to come to my job I had started when we first started talking and tell the one boss there to leave me alone and when I said something about a stalker before he messaged me right away asking if I was okay everything. We hadn’t talked for a month or more then.

Mr. To Broken I am not scared of for say but I do not really know him very well or enough and he is about 3x my size. Most guys I know better have spent time with them and things. I kind of know what to expect from them if they are mad and things. Unless I had a gun I wouldn’t stand much of a chance if he tried something was able to get a hold of me. He is 6’6 and well over 200lbs. He made comments about my size and how big he was and things before. It would be one hell of a fight. He just don’t seem stable that is the part that bothers me the most in it all. The way he gets so mad the way he tries to act like he is always doing something for me or trying to. The more I think about it and right the more things just really do not seem right putting everything together. I really thinking I am going to back way off on talking to him. Even just as friends. You know they say listen to that gut feeling. I keep telling my bff there just something about him besides the things I have said that bother me about him. But I can’t figure it out. But thinking about different things he has said and done and things he is stalkerish and obsessive. I don’t like it. I am going to talk to my bff tomorrow about it. She says he stop talking to her since he been talking to me.

{December 17, 2016}   Canceling Christmas

I am so tired of the kids being lazy and not doing their chores. I understand this week we have not been home a lot and busy. But they always complain and always half doing them. They slept in today because there was no school, I didn’t mind I needed sleep too after being up for two days. They got up and watched tv or whatever for a little bit. I then got them all together and told them they needed to get their chores done. I told them they needed to be done by 1pm. It was 10:10. They started about wanting to eat and a drink, nothing new always their go to when they don’t want to do something or have to do chores. I told them we would call it 10:30 chores needed to be done by 1 they had the extra time they could use to clean or eat whatever they wanted but they needed to be done by 1. It is 1:15 and the kitchen is still half picked up the floors have not been mopped. my little one still has stuff everywhere. She just feels she don’t need to pick it up.

I keep telling them we will not put a tree up if this stuff is not done and that we will not do Christmas. They get all mad at me like it is my fault. They have had time to work on them through the week. Maybe not a lot but some time and they have all the time I have given them today. Like I said it isn’t just today this week or what it is all the time everyday. I am just so over it.

I have ran for the last few weeks ragged trying to make sure they have all they need for school and been at the schools for them to see their show drive for their field trip and go with them make food for their parties all while trying to figure out where their Christmas is going to come from if they are going to have a Christmas and everything else. They don’t seem to care about anything but being lazy. They don’t care how the house looks that they made most the mess because they are to lazy to put their stuff away take their dishes to the kitchen, pick their trash up off the table, clean up if they spill something or pick up their rooms. They don’t seem to care what all I am doing or do for them. But then if I don’t do it they get mad or upset. They just act like it is no big deal, mom can kill herself doing for us and making sure everything is great for us but we can’t even have enough respect for mom to not trash the house or to do or chores to help mom out. When she ask we are going to cry and complain.

I just want to leave, pick up my car keys walk out and leave them all here. I don’t know where I would go, what I would do or when I would come back. Because frankly right now I do not want to be around them much less in the same house as them. The don’t give a shit, no respect all that mom does don’t matter attitude just pisses me off to no end. I know they are kids but my older two are old enough to know better and know not to act that way or be that way. My little two may not understand fully but they also know to listen and do what they are asked or told to do and they are just looking for things to do get into and trouble to cause. I feel like putting the tree up and putting the Christmas stuff out but I can’t in their mess. I so want to just cancel Christmas and give them nothing and not let anyone give them anything and pick up all this stuff and throw it away.

I am just so tired of doing and running my self to death and no one thinks twice or cares unless it don’t get done. I never have 5 minutes to do anything for myself or that I want to do or free time. I just feel like calling Father of the Year and telling him he has to come get them and keep them for a week or two since it is Christmas break but I know he won’t or telling him he needs to get a sitter for the time he should have them if he isn’t but he won’t do that either.

I just want a break for a few days I just want someone to do things with and to talk to someone to care about me for a change. I am tired of no one ever doing what they are supposed to or caring and leaving it all to me to do. I am tired of no one doing what they are supposed to do and doing it all and then still having to deal with them and have them in the picture. I am just feeling very aggravated, pissed off and angry today. Anyone around is just making it worse.

{September 6, 2016}   Still Trying

You know thinking about it this is probably a big reason I have been feeling so lonely lately. The divorce is done and over and he is STILL trying to get back together. He was here the other night dropping off money or something. I said something to one of the kids about hurting and needing a massage.

Later that night I was laying in bed and my phones starts blowing up. I look to see who it was, it was Father of The Year. He says maybe some really good sex I would rub you for a month! I said laugh my ass off and send a bunch of laughing little faces to him. He says some doggy style would be good, you know you would enjoy it. He says I’m ready for you if you are. I said I doubt that. He comes off with I could rock your world don’t doubt it for a second and you know it. I said um don’t think so. He says yes I could but your to stubborn to find out.

I said um no I already know. Just like the last times. Nothing has changed why would that? He comes off with things are different between us now that was the past and least time wasn’t great I agree. I said last many times were not, and in regards to anything like that no things have not changed to make that any different now.  He got mad I could tell he said whatever. Whatever you say you got to move past your anger at me. I said I’m not angry. He said you are at me you tell me all the time you hold grudges and you never let the past be. I told him I’m not angry it is what it is.

I told him I don’t know why I want to be with someone I am no longer with, that I have moved on from and there are no feelings there for anymore. He never said anything after that, I was surprised.

A few days later he started again. That was the night the storm was supposed to hit and my friend was here and all the other shit happen. He text wanting to know what I was doing and I said just sitting here. He wanted to know what was on my mind. Was asking me if I am seeing anyone. I didn’t answer right away I was making dinner and talking to my friend laid the phone down. He says are you seeing someone? I really hope you can tell me if you are. I told him no I don’t know why he keeps going on about it. Then he says I was just wondering I’m still not over you I know its crazy but I’m better about moving on then I was it will take more time, I’m trying to move on but it’s hard. I said you say that I’m sure your probably seeing someone No no I’m just missing you that’s all he says. Wish I could move on that easy, but I can’t you don’t know what it is like for me I feel lost and i still need time to find myself again. And it’s frustrating because I wish you could see how I feel inside. I said where are you? My friend said I bet he is on his way over here ask him where he is. He said home in bed I said oh I wondered and stop responding.

It’s like why do you have to keep doing this over and over nothing has changed. My feelings haven’t changed he hasn’t changed the way he is or does things or acts. My walls are full of holes to prove that. I don’t know maybe he needs me to tell him how done I really am with him every so often and to turn him down and tell him what a fool he is. Maybe it helps him move oh. Maybe he just gets off on putting himself through that. I really don’t know and don’t care. I just want him to leave me alone and move on. Almost seems like he is feeling guilty because he is talking to someone or thinking about talking to someone but me talking to or seeing someone would make it ok for him to or give him the ok to. It’s crazy we have not been together in 5 years just about. We are divorced and he still acts this way. Maybe if he had been so worried about how I felt and what I was doing way back when before it got this far it would have never gotten this far to start with. But I know it sure as hell is not going to go back to us ever again. I been there done that have the three kids and divorce papers to prove it. I don’t need anything else. He needs to move on and find someone else. Just like asking that girl to go to his brothers wedding with him. He better know that my kids are not to be left alone with his family not even for a few hours or a night. If he goes there to pick her up they better go with him and if he goes to take her home they better go with him and why he is gone out of state with them they better be with him not somewhere in bed and him out not at a party and he slips away for a little bit. Not after what these people have done. Not all of them but the ones that I know if he left them with anyone they would be the ones because he see’s nothing wrong with it. The rest my kids don’t know so he don’t need to go leave them with a bunch of people they don’t know. I don’t take my kids anywhere and leave them like that never have not even when we were together he better not either.

{January 26, 2015}   Free Whiny Children

Every since we found out my dad was sick and my little guy broke his arm all he wants to do is whiny. 24/7 none stop whiny cry and throw a fit over anything and nothing. If he opens his mouth he is whining, hell if he is awake he is whining. Now my little bitty is picking up on it. She isn’t so much whining as she is aggravating him to make him whiny. I guess she thinks it is funny or neat to get a rise out of him.

My patents for it is 0 none existent right now. It just sends me through the roof as soon as he opens his mouth. I try to be understanding but when it is just for no reason at all or he just flat out don’t listen. Yesterday when we were there to see my dad he ran all over his room and whined about everything. I tell him to stop he keep it up. Today we were really early for our appinment he needed to go to the bathroom. We stopped at a little shop to look around and let him go. He had a huge fit because I wouldn’t buy this action figure for $3. I didn’t have that much on me I picked up a few books we could use for school and let them each get a figure. They had some for fifty cent. They really didn’t need that we just had Christmas but I was being nice.

At the therapist he had a fit because he dumped this bag of little stuff out and it was all over the floor and he didn’t want to pick it up. We couldn’t even make it through dinner with out him and his sister fighting. She isn’t even 2 you are 4 simply ignore her. But he had to scream cry and have a melt down. Of-course she thought this was great and kept it up.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me I should ignore it and handle it different but right now it just greats on that last sliver of nerve that is hanging on by a already cut thread. I end up yelling at them. Her for bothering him and him for having such a fit about it. It really makes nothing better. I just had to put him at one table and her another so they could eat their dinner. All I could do is move them a way from each other.

I know I am just way to stressed over everything that is going on. I’m not sleeping good. Saturday night up in the night I finally took something for the first time in a can’t tell you when I had to take something for pain and to help me sleep. I just hurt all over even my mouth was hurting. I was so tired and wore out but restless and hurting I couldn’t sleep. Even getting a break from them right now isn’t really a break because I am spending it with my dad or dealing with stuff. I’m not complaining about that I want to spend time with him. I wish I could spend more with him that the kids weren’t there jumping around acting like animals and bothering him. I’m just saying that right now there really is no break or time for a break. I can’t fully de-stress.

I know my little guy is angry over grandpa being sick. He told the lady the other day he was when she asked if he was sad about grandpa being sick. He said no I’m angry. I know he is having a hard time because of his arm being broke and not being able to do things with it. I just don’t know what to do for him. He still has another 3 weeks pretty much before he can get it off if you count this week. And grandpa that isn’t ever easy to deal with.

I love them to death and am trying to be as understanding as I can. But when they both get started and she is starting with him or pestering him just to make things worse. I just want to call someone up and be like come and get them or just leave myself.

Ah as I am finishing this up melt down number 1000,000,00,….. Because we had pizza for dinner, there was once slice left. My son came in and wanted it I gave it to him. Knowing that my little guy isn’t going to eat any more and that my little bitty isn’t. Little guy melts down full fit I wanted that I was going to eat the last piece of pizza. Now he has it he ate off of it he is eating it. As loud as he can be of-course. I said ok fine if you want more I will get more not a big deal. Yeah get more I want more. Two minutes later he finishes his pizza and takes his plate to the sink. I said do you want more? No I’m full I don’t need more. I said so you don’t want any more. Nope all done. But two minutes ago it was the end of the world because his brother ate the last slice of pizza. REALLY? This is what I am dealing with.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: