Single___Parent___Life











{December 13, 2020}   4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.



{October 11, 2018}   No Sleep Again

I can not believe it is 6:30 a.m. already. I have 45 minutes of sleep I could get if I fall asleep right now. I have so much to do in the morning it is not even funny. I am going to look and feel like hell. I will probably sound like it.

Im good at not sleeping until an hour before i need to be up then oversleeping once I do.



{May 31, 2017}   Stopped Working

I have not been around much because I have been so tired and hardly functioning for a week or more. I have been passing out at 10 or 11 pm, sleeping until 10 the next morning and then still laying around doing nothing until all hours of the after noon the last three days. I have been extra tired other days and laying around too but have had to get up go to work, shopping and other things. If I have to get up I will but if I don’t, I won’t. I feel like I sit there fighting to hold my eyes open it is so bad. I am starting to feel tired tonight but hadn’t up until a little bit ago and it is now 2 am. I have been back in my medication for a little bit now too and it is not knocking me out like it use to. It isn’t even making me sleepy when I take it. Most nights I forget to take it get up about 12 or so and take it then go back to bed. I have taken it in the morning a few times when I forgot to take it at night and it isn’t effecting me at all.

I do not think it is helping in any way at all anymore honestly, I feel like I did before I got on it, can’t sleep for days or weeks at a time then all I want to do is sleep for days at a time. I am so aggravated and annoyed by every little thing. The kids are driving me up the wall to the point I just want to walk out and leave or start drinking. I still don’t know what is up with the wanting to drink so bad when I get like this. That is new and I never had that before. I am calling tomorrow to get back in with the doctor to see if they can up my medication or if they have to change it to something else. I hope they get me in this week because I I don’t know if I can keep doing this like this. I know being sleepy just makes it worse because I just want to be left alone and not hear anything or deal with anything. I have to go to work tomorrow and I hope that everything goes smooth and nothing bothers me there and I don’t snap. I go see the therapist this week too. Maybe if they can’t get me in to the doctor to change it she can call them and tell them they need to phone something in or call me and do something not leave me hanging for to long to wait on getting this straight.

I was reading about my medication and it says it is good for short term use but not very long term use and that it is dosed at 5 and they told me the lowest was 10 and have me on 10. I think the pill comes in 10 but it is mint to be broken in half if need be and my doctor or therapist didn’t know that. It says that the max you can take is 20 but there was no real difference seen at 20 than 10 so basically if 10 isn’t working or you have been on it for very long they probably should change you to something else. I am kind of scared to take something else. But I have to take something because I can’t keep going like this.

I know the other therapist I was seeing said they start you out on a dose and then sometimes once it gets in your system they have to go back and up it a little or something like that but that you need to be on a lower dose for a week or two before they can do that. She said sometimes the lower isn’t enough. But I think that medications have such a affect on me they didn’t have to up it but now that I have been on it for so long it isn’t working anymore I have built up a tolerance to it. I know I do that pretty quick as well with most things. I wish I could see my other therapist again instead of the one I have. She is nice and everything but I still like the other one better. We just worked good together. I felt I got more out of my time when I seen the other than I do now.

I guess I need to go to bed and try to sleep tonight. Hope I am not flipping now and going to be up for days on end like the other week. Not sure witch would make for a longer day tomorrow. But I like having this job it gives me something to get up get out of the house and do.

I went to the other job interview I had Monday, it was a waste of time. I will tell you more about that later. I have to try and get some sleep now.



{July 18, 2016}   Should Be Doing Homework

But it is so late and I am tired but can’t sleep, but not in a state I would get much done if I tried working on it. I thought I was going to get my bed to myself tonight I was wrong. Money just came got in my bed ask if we could watch  a show. Before I could move things to lay down and turn it on she is passed out sideways across the top of my bed here behind me. I could try to put her in her bed but lately she sleeps like a feather. I lift her off the bed and she is pointing to get back in it and don’t stay in hers if I take her.

I think this is another reason I can’t get my work done I am not sleeping good at night. Then all I want to do in the day is sleep or I walk around like a zombie just bumping through the day. I have two reports due one this Sunday and one next Sunday. Next weeks is an eight page report from an interview I have to do with someone who works with domestic violence. My sons theripest use to and said she could do it but I think I need someone who does it now. I will probably end up using her and hoping for the best because I don’t have anyone to watch the kids while I go interview someone. I will just print the questions out or email them to her and have her answer them or do them at her office why the kids play. I have to get at least a C in the class, I don’t think at this point I can pull off anything higher but with the Summer I have had I will be happy with a C. Then my computer class decided to save a bulk of the work and drop on us at the end of the class when it is the harder stuff rather than at the start of the class when the stuff we were learning was easier. He even said that most students in past classes found these to be harder chapters and work and that it seem to take them a lot longer. But does he try to change things around and even things out no. You would think knowing we have a shorter term and having to get everything done in less time than the other terms he would try to make it so that all the hard stuff is due in a week at the same time. It is a class I let drop me last time so I didn’t know all this work was at the end. I thought it was another one that I knew what kind of work load it was and it would go good with the other classes. Boy was I wrong.

I have to have the class for my degree but not to move on and do other things. If I don’t pass it this time I am going to save it until later and take. I still can’t decide what to take this term coming up and the last day to sign up for classes is in the next week or so. If I wait longer I will be charged a late fee for each class and I don’t want to do that. I want to keep as much of my money as I can and not waste it. Part of it depends on if I pass this one class or not. I guess I will go ahead and pick my classes as if I am going to pass, if I don’t I will have to redo it and then pay the late fee. I think I have figured it out and if I do really good on the last few lessons and the exam I will have a just under a B.

I guess I better get to sleep I have to have my boy to school in about 5 hours. Not sure if we are going to school or making a stop at the doctors first. He has a cough, now my big boy has it and my oldest says her throat hurts. I want to keep him home but they said if he misses days he will not be allowed to finish the program. He really likes going, he would be so upset if he couldn’t keep going. It’s ok if he is late or if he gets checked out early he just has to show up for part of the day. I may just take him and let him stay long enough to get counted as there and bring him home. I am not sure yet.

Right now I am just going to enjoy my few hours in my bed alone. I got her to her bed without waking her, she isn’t feeling good either and hasn’t had a nap today so she must be wiped out.



et cetera
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