Pregnant Again

This was last Thursday, I have just been busy and not able to finish it until now. So here you go.

Last night was a long night ended up at the Er. at like 3a.m only to have nothing done and sent home. Complete waste of time. If I had known I wouldn’t of even went.

My sister called me and said she done something to her foot and was in tears from the pain. I could tell when she answered she was crying or had been. We talked for a bit and she hung up. She was waiting for her husband to get home.

About the time I crawled into bed and got comfortable she called and asked me to take her. Her husband don’t get off until late like me and then had to get home because she couldn’t get him. He only works a couple blocks so he could walk. She didnt seem like she was going to go when I talked to her.

I go get her and take her all the way over there. I pulled up to the front to get her a wheelchair because she can’t walk on it step down on it. I go to get out and she says I have to tell you something your going to find out in here anyway.

I’m looking at her like what? What is there to tell then I am thinking she is sick something is wrong maybe this is why her foot did this just sitting on the bed or what. She says I’m pregnant but no one knows yet. I was like oh okay. Still not thinking.

We went in they took her right back and the doctor came right in. He said they would call and get an x ray on it and go from there to make sure something wasn’t broke or fractured. She refused because she is pregnant. The doctor got rude and kind of nasty. We were in and out in less than an hour.

Had it been me I would of done it. It was just her foot and they put the led over you. I had one done of my foot and ankle when I was 8 months pregnant with my first because I fell down the stairs.

Then when I was about 24 weeks with my last I had to have a CT scan with the dye they put in the IV. They felt it was more of a risk to me not to do it than to the baby.

If I had known she was pregnant before I picked her up I would of told her they were not going to do anything and not wasted the two\two and half hours.

 

 

Re: Not Sure What To Think

I talked to my friend this morning. He said he had a lot going on this week he was moving and things. He moved from his place because they wanted way more than it was worth and was upping the rent. He went to stay with someone he knew but it was about 40 miles or so from work and it really was just a room. He couldn’t have people over or do anything. He spent most the evening driving around just to not be there after work. He couldn’t even have someone over just to watch tv, cookout nothing like that.

He said he moved in with his brother. Its a lot closer to work he has use of the house as if it was his. He seemed a lot happier. He asked if I could come over. I told him maybe this week i could get away and over for a bit.

He still didn’t say anything about the other but I think like me he knew I wasn’t and that if I thought I was or maybe that I wouldn’t of just put it out there like that. That he will probably say something about it when we get together again. It don’t bother me after thinking about it more because I think if he really thought I was or I put it to him like I thought I was and not the way I did he would of responded different.

Not Sure What To Think

I have not heard from my friend since the night we talked and I wrote  Time to Break It Off. I do not know how I feel about that or how I should feel about it.

I messaged him Wednesday night when we were out he never responded. I don’t think he seen it until the next morning but he still never responded.

Someone you have been with and are with often and was with not that long ago says something about maybe being pregnant or that someone said maybe they are you would think you would be wanting to know or have something to say about it more than he did. Or wanting to know if by chance you were if it was his or if there was a chance of it being someone else.

Maybe because I wasn’t worried about it and didn’t think I was and he didn’t either. But I am still surprised I haven’t heard from him. I figured he would get a hold of me the next night because he was really wanting to go out the night before. If we can’t get together that night we try to the next night or with in a few days. He said he didn’t have his little girl so he had a free weekend. I can’t figure out why he isn’t saying anything. Maybe he is worried. But I don’t think so takes a lot to get to him. But he is getting things straight and bettering things for himself and said he didn’t want more now maybe he really don’t it isn’t a good time and he is freaking out ha ha. Who knows. I may say something to him tonight see if he responds. Maybe he found a girlfriend or maybe like me never thought I was so didn’t feel the need to bring it up again and he has just been busy.

Baby It’s Cold Outside, Your Thoughts

It has been being talked about lately since they have decided to take this song off the radio in the last week or so. I just seen this post and read this and wonder what everyone’s thoughts are about what is said.

Aside from the drink part (never noticed that part) I always felt she wanted to stay but was just talking about what others would say or think. Like this poster says in her reply.

 

I Pushed Him Away

A memory from 6 years ago popped up on my page a few minutes ago. I said something about all the changes about to happen, looking for a job and new house. I am pretty sure this was when I Foundout I was pregnant with Little Bitty.

I looked through the comments and RC and me had commented back and forth and some others said stuff. But one of his comments was you act like your a lone in this. I am here to with you or something like that. Just saying he going through it to we need to be together i wasn’t a lone. I told him i knew he was i was sorry he felt alone or that way or what. That i wasn’t tryi n g to make things harder on him. He said he was there maybe one day I would see that he loved me.

I cried reading it. Because it just hit me that he was trying and I just pushed him away. I know at the time i felt so overwhelmed, depressed and like I couldn’t function. I felt a lone i really did. I felt like he was against me too and mad at me. I guess to a point he probably was because i shut down wasn’t talking. He tried and tried to get me to i say i was fine or we already talked about it. I didnt want to keep talking about the same old same make him feel bad things had not changed yet or i felt it was or he wasn’t doing enough or what. But i also didn’t check in with him to really see how he was feeling or thought or needed. I wasn’t close with him like we had been. I just sat alone left him to deal on his own.

It is no wonder he did what he did. He felt he wasn’t wanted or good enough probably. Just what I was trying to keep him from feeling. It was shortly after that he found his little girl and everything came crashing in. I was pushing him away she was there for him to turn into.

I am not saying it was right or that he is blameless. He did somethings too but now I see why. It was just the perfect storm at the wrong time. I have always said it was my fault too. But its never really hit me what I really done. I knew I done things but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. But i didn’t know i done that the way I did.

R.I.P. Sprite

This is what I woke up to every morning with her. This was her way of telling me she wanted to go outside now it was time to get up.

My Friend was here Friday night and Father of the year came to drop money off around 11 when he got off work. Me and Wanda went out for a little bit and didn’t do anything but end up back at home in no time. Me and her were sitting outside and he came out and was sitting. He got up and went inside to get something, when he did he pushed the door to but not closed. I didn’t think anything of it we do it all the time when the dogs are in their cage. I had sent the three older kids to bed and Little Bitty was laying on the couch all covered up watching tv.

In a minute my friend said the dogs they are out. I tried to grab them but couldn’t, I told Father of the year to get the leashes and got his truck key to get in the car and try to go catch them. Well I back out and am sitting in front of the house just before the 4 way stop. The Little dog I seen running in the yard across the street from us. Father of the year went over and was trying to catch her she was running around the yard. They ended up by the mail box next to the road. This car came up to turn we started yelling for them to stop and motion for them to stop. They came flying around the corner and when they did the dog was in the road. They hit her, stopped then took off and hit/drug her. I didn’t see it happen because it was to the side and behind my truck I was going the other direction. Father of the year started yelling and screaming at them and followed them. They went two streets up and went in side. The guy on the other corner from me called the police. We got the other dog and came home. Me and Wanda loaded the dog up and drove her to the animal hospital place that was open late. She seemed okay just a little trouble breathing but seemed like from shock probably. Everyone thought she was okay just scratched up and things. I just had a bad feeling about it all the way there.

We got there I took her out they took her back on a stretcher thing inside and to a room. They told me to wait in the waiting area they would look her over come get me let me know what they found what they felt needed to be done. In a little while they finally came in and got me and said they needed to do x rays to start with because they could not hear any lung sounds at all from her. They gave me a thing saying it would be between $300 and $420 for all that and bringing her in. They said it could be bruising on the lungs and she would need to rest or the chest area could be filling with air and they would have to tap the chest with a needle and take the air out. He seem to think that it would be one of the two things. I had to call my sister to see if we could borrow money because Father of the year had just enough to do x rays and things but I needed to know if I could get money to treat her once we knew what it was or figure out how to do that. She said yes and how much she could give me. I told them go ahead and do the x ray.

They came back in a little bit and showed us the x ray. It was much worse than he thought. She had a hernia her stomach was pushing into her lungs and giving them no room to move and it was shoving her heart over out of place where it should be. He said that it had to be fixed and would be $3000 to $4000 to do it. He said they couldn’t do it there and would have to call farther south of where we were to see if they had someone that could do it for me or wait until Monday to get it a hold of someone to see if they could do it. He said that my vet or one in the area may even try and do it for a little less just to try and save her life and save me some money if I didn’t have that to take her to a specialist. He then said he had not looked at kidneys, bladder, liver, intestines or anything like that. It would be more testing and that they would need to do it before hand and there was still no guarantee that they would not run into something worse wrong when they got in there that may not show on the test. They may or may not be able to fix at the time and would cost more. He said it had to be done she could not live that way (I knew that). He said he had never seen something so bad and never expected to see that when they took the x ray. He said he sure wished it was one of the other two things he thought it was because it would have been a lot simpler and cheaper and they just do it and it be done with, because they can do them there.

I had to tell them I had to put her to sleep because there was no way I could afford to do all she needed and not knowing if there was other things that needed to be taken care of. I felt horrible but I really couldn’t do anything more for her. I couldn’t let her suffer either. I called Father of the Year and told him what they said. I told him to just tell the kids she didn’t make it. I didn’t want them to feel bad that we couldn’t do more for her or anything like that. I told him to ask them did they want me to let the vet office to take care of her or did they want me to bring her home so that they could buried her. They said they wanted to bring her home and buried her.

I let them know they brought her into the room where I was and let me spend sometime with her. She laid down in the floor instead of on the blanket they brought in for her. I sat down with her she just kept looking up at me. I pet her and talked to her cried with her. I seen her eye and it was different too. She has a brown eye and a half brown half blue eye. Well the blue of the half blue eye was turning white like the white of her eye. I don’t know why but it wasn’t that way. I told the vet later when he came in that I noticed that. He said he didn’t know there could be something wrong in the brain from being hit. But not knowing her and the way her eyes were they seemed fine to him when he look but that yes something could be wrong if it wasn’t normal for her. I told him I didn’t want to know why or the details of why it may be happening so that was just what he said.

I spend I don’t know how long with her she looked like she was in more stress than she was when I took her in. She just layed down on her side and layed her head in my lap. They had put an iv in her leg before they brought her in. I sat there with her for a while. She just kept looking up at me like she knew. They tell you to just push the button when you are ready and things. I sat there forever I couldn’t push the button knowing what it meant and what was about to happen. After a long time and her seeming like it was getting harder for her to breath my friend finally pushed it for me. The vet came in ask if I wanted to lay her on the blanket i told him I tried that is where she went. I was okay with it she seem comfrable there and that was where she wanted to be. I told him I did not want to know what he was doing or what did what. I just wanted him to do it. I sat there and held her head in my lap like she been laying and put my head down. He started doing what he had to do. He started to tell me with the first shot what was going to happen or what it was for. I told him again I do not want to know anything I don’t want to know what is happening when. He said okay and just finished and in a minute or two he said it was done.

We went out they took her and put her in a bureral box and then brought her out to the truck and help put her in. We got home at 4 something in the morning and Father of the Year dug a place to bury her. I came in and talk to the big kids they had just laid down not long before I got home. The little kids were a sleep and had no clue what was going on. My oldest didn’t want to be out there when we done it. Big boy wanted to but was falling a sleep, I told him I would wake him but if he didn’t wake up I was not going to keep bothering him or forcing him to get up and that we would just do it. He said ok. When we were ready he was out and would not get up so we just done it. He was okay with it in the morning. Little Bitty was the first one up and went to look for her to see what the doctor said if she was okay. I told her she wasn’t here, she asked if she was still at the doctor being taken care of? I told her no, I told her she was hurt to bad and didn’t make it. She said she died? I told her yes and she said okay. She didn’t really say to much more about it. She said like grandpa and something about them coming back to see her when they were better. I told her yes like grandpa and that grandpa and Sprite were in heaven together now, but they wouldn’t be coming back just like we haven’t been able to see grandpa in a long time. She said okay. She only 4 she don’t really have the full grasp of it all.

My Big Guy got up next and she ran to tell him and was trying to tell him. I told her to please just wait and let me tell him in a minute when once he was out of bed. I sent her to play. Once he got down off the bunk and went to the bathroom I called him in and told him she didn’t make it and that we buried her in the front yard under my window by the tree over where she use to be and play with lizards. He got upset but was better than I thought.

The last week has been better than I expected, my Big Boy and Big Guy I think have taken it the worse. Big Boy is grouchy, short and snippy with everyone. My Big Guy cries at the drop of a hat and gets upset about everything even if he wouldn’t normally. I just keep trying to talk to them but they just say they are alright. I think they are still in shock i don’t know. I still can’t believe it, it seems so odd not having her here but not at the same time. I feel lost when I go to pet the other dog because she always came up and horned in and made sure she got her love too. And she was the one that woke me up every morning.

This was her big cheesy grin she would get because she was getting belly rubs. She loved for you to pet her and talk to her and she was so happy to get belly rubs.

Oh and the wonderful police we have they came said there was nothing they could do really but they were going to go talk to them. They went around there and came back and said they would not even answer the door to them. They knew it was a hit and run. They said sue them for the vet bills if we wanted too but it cost me more to take them to court and then the time and everything else involved when I don’t have either one with everything else. I seen them the other day and their car has a huge dent in it on the side I guess where Father of the Year hit it when they started trying to pull away and wouldn’t let him get her out. Because we never seen the dent in it before. He was scared he was going to go to jail when the cops came because of it but they ran after hitting her with her still under the car what did they expect was going to happen.

Tubes Tied

You all may remember that I decided to do something about birth-control back in December. I didn’t end up going because the kids were out for Winter break when it was. I decided after Wednesday I need to get on the ball and do something about it. I’m not going to live in a bubble for the rest of my life I am going to meet someone and start dating to some extent or have a relationship whatever that may turn out looking like. I am going to need to be doing something for it. If I wait until I “need” it to go and take care of it then there will be the need to use other forms until I can get it taken care of, opening the chance of getting pregnant again. As you all know I do not want to have anymore children of my own at all. Not now, not tomorrow, not ten years from now. I felt the same way 4 years ago after having my daughter and while I was pregnant with her. I already knew she would be the last one I would be having and I was okay with that. I am still okay with it.

I was going to go get on some form of birth control, I was looking at the ring or maybe the patch again if they still offer it. I have never tried the ring but it seems simple enough. The patch wasn’t bad that I can remember other than the black square from the sticky that holds it on and the fact it don’t stay on good for the week. Other than that I do not remember them causing me any problems. The more I have thought about it the more I hate the idea of taking any of that stuff and worry about how well it will work. I got pregnant on the pill taking it at the same time every evening and making sure I took it and dint’ miss any. Wednesday I was not happy about what I found in the stores to use and the thought of using any of them freaks me out because I don’t feel they will work. I know most do, to an extent and I have used them and didn’t get pregnant, I still can’t get past the idea that is all I have to trust. Before I wasn’t to worried about what we used because if it worked it worked great if it didn’t then okay that was fine too. But I wanted kids and more kids back then unlike now. Now I know I am 100% sure I do not want anymore kids.

I called Friday to see about getting an appointment, she said the computer was down but she was going to give my name and number to someone else that could help me. They are supposed to call me back. If I do not hear from them today I am going to call them in the morning. I hate the idea of having it done but worry more about getting pregnant again than the risk or compilations at this point. All you can do is look at the options, pro’s, con’s, risk and decide. I have looked at all the options I feel that with them I would always worry that they didn’t work or what if they didn’t work. I don’t want that stress and worry. I may stress or worry about having the surgery done to tie my tubes but it will be short term, once it is done I will not be stressed or worried about it.

For now I am okay with my decision and not really stressed or worried about it. I hope that I will still feel this way as I get things set up and it gets closer to time to get it. However I feel I have to go through with it so that I feel better in the long run.

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