{October 24, 2019}   I Almost Cried

Yesterday after the awards at the school I left and I went and paid the water bill and the internet bill. I paid them both down to $0. I still have the light bill to pay on next week but when I do it will also be paid down to $0 balance.  The water bill was late the light bill will be on time. On time and paid in full!

I know that probably don’t sound like a lot to you all or your saying yeah so lots of people do that all the time or what. But for me that is a big deal and to know that I did it on my own, without having to borrow, or use my tax money, or money I got from here or there it huge.

In the last 7 years me and the kids were homeless two years in a row for Christmas. We got into this place March of 2014. Although we have had a place it has been a struggle to keep it and keep bills paid. Much less other things we need. I have worked two and three jobs at a time and just staying a step ahead from sinking. Get a step or so ahead or think I was and get knocked back down.

I don’t think I have had a $0 balance on my bills since I started services there 4.5 years ago. Other than if I got my tax money and was able to pay them up and then they were up there again in a month or two because I wan’t making enough to pay them off each month. I would shuffle money around to keep things going. Final notices got paid and everything else got shuffled until the magic letter came in the mail. Then I would have to borrow to get keep them going at times or we would do without other things or scrape by.

I was so happy and excited I almost cried when I paid the water bill it showed a $0 balance. It is so discouraging to pay it have them hand you the receipt and it have a balance on it over $100 and you just handed them $200 or more.

Needless to say my excitement quickly faded when I got to work and oldest messaged me and said oh did you get the note that was on the door yesterday?

I had no idea what she was talking about she sent me a picture it is a three day notice to pay or get out. I owe them $400 for “repairs” Because I have to pay $75 every time they have to send someone out. 99% of the time it is for the plumbing that they have been told over and over has a busted pipe. But they will not pay someone to check it out. They say I have to do that. I don’t have the money. So when it won’t drain at all I have to do something I call them they send their man he cleans the line and it drains for a bit and we do it over. If I have the money i pay it and when I don’t it sits there. Rent is paid on time every month has been for a while because it is the one thing I have no play with when it gets paid why everything else gets shuffled around. They can’t put me out over anything other than rent but they I guess took my rent money and put it on my fee’s so it shows I am behind on my rent. Since I paid by their card not a check or money order there isn’t much I can do about it. If I pay by check or money order and write for rent they can’t use it for anything else. Since it is on the card they can do what they want because it isn’t marked. But I have always done it like that and if it was paid on the first they just took it as rent. I have been paying $75, $25 a $100 extra a month but I don’t have it all I talked to them and that was fine because I gave them a chunk upfront. But then I had to call them since and they have a hair in their ass about something they did this and didn’t even say they were changing things up or nothing just come stick a note on the door. Now i am trying to figure out how to pay it before TOMORROW. If I had known I could of probably waited to pay those bills had a chunk of it now I paid them I don’t have any of it. If I get paid tomorrow that is food money and lights. I was going to ask my boss at my night job but he is out of town until Tuesday so that don’t help. I can probably get by until Monday but after that I will be in Trouble they will be back Monday if I don’t pay it that morning. Then it will cost more they add fee every time they have to come out there or what. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if I worked doing pizza’s this weekend I won’t make near that much. I don’t know who else to ask to borrow it.

I am probably going to have to pawn my guns and then I am going to be in that cycle that I can’t get out of for a while end up costing me a ton of money in the end. I was feeling so good and so accomplished. That I was making progress, real progress I was going to have all the bills paid up and then be able to pay that $400 up. But it was costing me more to not pay the bills up first vs paying the rent up and I had made arrangments and was making payments. I was going to start paying extra to pay it up faster since I had bills paid up and wasn’t paying so much on them and late fee’s. I will work it out but I don’t know how and it feel knocked down and defeated again and like all my work was for nothing if I can’t come up with this last little $400.

The last week or more I have walked around feeling nothing or dead inside. Knowing things are wrong or not right or even good and just not caring either way and not feeling anything either way. Then all of a sudden Wednesday night yesterday something shifted or swung in another direction and I am all over the place. One minute I’m angry and mad, the next I am in tears feel like everything is spiraling out of control and a mess or that I have dropped the ball and can’t catch it.

I know I am getting things caught up and better off than I was a couple years ago and even a few months ago. But like I said before it don’t get better it just changes. I have the job and money things down and some how making it work I guess.

But now I have the problem with the kids Little Bitty is really having problems with me not being there much. I have never had to leave my kids so much and work so much when my kids were that little. I feel horrible the summer is almost over I haven’t gotten to do anything with them. I have worked. I wanted to take a trip or two when I got this truck and now this shit happen. It is going to cost me more money that i really don’t have with all the work I have missed.

I have to go to the ssi office and deal with them because I haven’t and I know I should of by now. It is just one more thing to do. My to do list is just seems to keep piling up and up. I just don’t feel like it or have to take yet more time off work to take care of it. I haven’t taken myself back to the doctor like I need to, I haven’t gotten other things I need done taken care of. I just don’t know how to find that balance or if I will.

I feel like the closer I get to getting ahead and making things better I just making things worse in other ways. I sit here and think I just want to quit my jobs go home be with my babies. Figure everything out there. Then I tell myself I have to work so that they can have a roof over their head, electric, water, food, you know the basics that no one else cares if they have or not or offers to provide for them or help provide for them. of course that snowballs into thinking about all that and them and how they aren’t doing anything at all but that I am the one catching shit from everyone else because things aren’t up to their standards or because I am working to much and because I am not getting things back on track in the order or how they think I should be or taking care of the kids the way they should be. But no one bats and eye or says a word to the fucking deadbeats that do nothing. How about hunt them down tell them what a horrible parent they are, how they don’t love their kids, or care how they live or what they do or don’t have. How the only one there doing anything for them can’t spend time with them because of the way things are and they are working their ass off to cover it all make it all happen and doing the best they can because they aren’t doing their part or seeing them like they should. instead of just causing problems and making things worse for the one doing it and making them feel bad about everything.

I sit here and wonder why I am doing this, is life worth living? Why is it worth living, what makes it worth living. I know what I have to do, I want to do it but at the same time I just feel like why? Why are we all doing this? Is anyone happy? Is everyone happy and there is just something wrong with me and now I have drug my kids into this miserable unhappy world with me? I Are they going to want anything to do with me when they are older or are they going to leave and not come back around? They say they want to stay with me or live close and always be together and things but do they really mean it? I don’t remember every thinking that I wanted to stay at home or live close to my family or ever feeling close to my family. I never felt loved, don’t remember being happy or feeling happy. I still don’t feel loved, I haven’t felt loved in a very long time. I know the kids do and feel that some of them do. But it’s different everyone knows that. they can’t show or give what I need, in the way it is needed. It isn’t them it they aren’t supposed to. I wonder if they feel anything or if they are walking around like me and just miserable or is it to late have a really failed them or messed them up and are they just dead inside or empty like I have been feeling?

Just writing this I am all over the place up down and unsure of what to think or feel. I plaster on that fake smile and just keep working. There is a driver at my night job that comes in and talks before he goes on his runs or hen he gets back. He was coming in once a week but I hadn’t seen him in a while other than one night when I was leaving and he was. He stopped said hey that was about it. He was driving by as I was getting in the car.

Last night he came in it was his day off he had to talk to them about some time off. His mom has to have a heart thing done. We were sitting and talking and the other guy who works with me at night was on the phone. He said something about him talking in the background, so he said he was going to go outside and smoke, asked if I wanted to come out with him and if I smoked. I told him i didn’t but I walked out and talked to him for a bit. He asked if I wanted to go out grab something to eat and a drink. I told him I couldn’t I had to get home to the kids, I promised my little one I would watch a movie with her when I got home. We all talked some more there in the office until it was time to leave. We all walked out and we were standing there in the parking lot talking. He said well we better go before people start talking.

He keeps asking us if we want to go out after work or if I want to go out after work. He is a nice guy but he’s like 54 or 55 I think. He said his son is going to be 29 and he had him when he was 25. Besides that we work together, I don’t want to go there. Of course find one that is decent and he’s older and works with me. It’s like a cruel joke the world plays. Dangle it just out of reach.

I guess I should get off here, I’m at work, I been here an hour and half an been on here and watching a show. I need to take care of the things that need done here and go take care of this truck and deal with this guy that I really don’t feel like dealing with. I just want it all to go away. Someone twitch your nose, snap their figures and make it all go away or make it all better.

{August 29, 2018}   Living in Reverse

Do you ever feel like you are living your life backwards? I have since me and father of the year split up. I think I have probably said it before back when as well. But I feel like it more now, the more I really sit down and look back over the last 7 years.

When I was in my teens I was the “good” kid. I didn’t get in trouble go out and party sneak out or anything like that. I hung out with a lot of questionable people but never did things with them or hung out much outside of school much. I wasn’t “boy crazy” and sleeping around like a lot of girls were. I had a long term boyfriend that I almosy married the last year or so of high school. I had one on and off and another I dated for a bit.

I was always the one out of my friends who worked even after high school I went right to work and that is what I did work and go home. I dated here and there a few guys before I met Father of the year but not many.

I saved money to move and then my dog got sick and I spent a big chunk on him. I moved out I moved in with friends and worked and bought a car. Staying where I was didn’t work I moved in with another friend that was looking for a roommate. Before long Father of the year moved in with us.

I helped him get a good job I was working or baby sitting making money. I made sure we kept a car and bills were paid. Before long we were married, having kids and buying a house. I was always right there holding things together and making sure things were taken care of. Being responsible and doing what a wife and mom were supposed to do. I was okay with that.

Then me and Father of the Year split up I got him to move out I was still okay and pushing along. But I was feeling lonely, because I had been for so long even when father of the year was there and had put up with so much abuse. I started hanging out with my “friend” and we ended up doing what we are. It helped being lonely and being alone when the kids would be gone on the weekend and things. It wasn’t something I ever would of done before. But I been through so much I was but wasn’t looking for much at the time. I was okay with it we were both adults and knew what we were getting into before we did it. I am still today fine with it and have no regrets.

Then I met RC and unlike I wanted to I let things happen way to fast with him. He was what I was looking for. I guess I felt safe with him even though I didn’t know him, because he was a friend of my good friend and I trusted him. I knew he wouldn’t set me up with someone that wasn’t going to treat us right. It wasn’t all RC I have said that from the start and seeing more of my fault in things.

But from there I feel like I was always so careful not to get in trouble not to get pregnant and things when I was younger. Then there I was 3 kids and one on the way and he had left. I shut down for a while and then withdrew from everything and worked on getting my divorce and things set for me and the kids together.

I feel now I am over it all, I am over being the responsible one, I am over doing it all and having no life. I just want to go out and party, go have drinks, go on dates and just do what I want to do with whoever I want to do it with. I don’t want to have to worry about anything with the kids, being there at night or what. I just want to come and go when I please. I just want to do what I want. I feel like a rebellious teen. The more I think about dating and things I think screw it just go out with whoever. Go out with the yard guy who cares he is legal. Go with the one from work just go with all of them and have fun. Even though that isn’t what I really want at this point its like fuck it I can’t find anyone looking for the same things I am so why not?

Don’t get me wrong, I do not want to neglect my kids or leave my kids. I just want to beable to to do things with them and have money and time for myself. Not feel guilty about going out or taking time for myself. Right now if I go out i feel guilty. I want to be able to walk out of the house go out not worry about needing to be home by this or that time. If I want to stay overnight somewhere I can it isn’t a big deal.

But everyone makes such a big deal out of it if I just walk out the door and meet my bff at the store for a little bit and hang out. Or stop off after work for a bit and sit and talk. If I bring up a guy lord for bit you think I was neglecting my kids and going out with a different one every night and dragging them home too. Because that is how everyone acts and like I’m not supposed to date or want to date and that my life is supposed to revolve around my kids and that’s it. Everyone talks about what a horrible mom I am and everything I dont do and everything else. But they do not look at what all I am doing. They don’t look at the daily fight it is with myself just to get out of bed a lot of times and function as much as I do. That maybe if I did get out more and was able to meet someone and have a little bit of a life I would be happier and do better. Don’t get me wrong I’m not, not doing things because I don’t have someone and feel I need someone. I don’t mean it in that way at all. But you all know how it is when you habe support and that person there. Even if things are “perfect” in life you still just feel better or different when you have someone.

I don’t know maybe I am going through a midlife crisis. Maybe I am just woreout and beat down like I said before. I don’t want to be responsible anymore. I just want to do what I want to do and whatever happens just happens. I know I can’t and I will always do it and be there but it sucks when you do it 24/7/365. I know they are little and they will grow up and I will miss it but you know I don’t even know if I will because it has been such a struggle. I don’t want to just be happy they are older and it is over kind of person but I am afraid that is how it is going to be because i feel so bad not being able to do things with them and always being the one.

I know I probably again sound like the worse mom out there and a horrible person for saying these things. But you know what it is a fact of life when your a single parent and you are trying to do right by your kids and not drag a ton of people in and out of their lives. I’m not just talking about moms, because I know there are a lot of single dads out there doing it all on their own too with no moms around. If they are trying to be decent parents and do right by their kids I am sure they have some of the same thoughts or feelings. But it is so taboo to talk about them. You don’t dare bring them up or say them out loud even if you have them because the odds are your already not doing a good enough job in most peoples eyes and they think less of you because you are a single parent. God for bid you have any kind of thoughts other than wanting your world to revolve around your kids from now on. Now you just became the worse person on the earth and you don’t love or care about your kids. And that isn’t what your saying at all. But that is all they hear. Well lucky for you all I am here to say it put it out there in the universes and say your not alone. It’s a safe place to talk or vent with no judgement.

{June 19, 2015}   Come TO The Garden

Lord I feel fragmented                               Quiet quiet quiet,

  Like a broken pot of clay.                        My child, be still.

  I’ve lost my focus;                                      Listen to your feelings.

  I’ve lost my way.                                        Discipline your will.

I’ve poured myself out                                Come to the Garden,

I’m drained, I’m dry;                                   The secret place we share.

I sense a discontent                                      My essence is in the Garden;

I can’t identify.                                              Come to Me in prayer.

I feel rootless                                                    Transcend worldly cares.

Like rolling tumble weed,                            Seek the Kingdom first.

Moving, moving, moving,                          Peace lies within;

Dizzy, from the speed.                                   It is for Me you thirst.

I feel like quitting.                                          Accept your limitations;

I feel self-doubt.                                               Embrace humility.

I’m tired, Lord,                                               Here lies the path to wisdom

I’m worn out.                                                   And maturity.

How can I integrate                                        Come to the Garden,

My scattered thoughts,                                 The soul’s sweet bouquet.

How can I find balance,                                 The flowers of tomorrow

Freedom from extremes?                               Are in the seeds of today.

How can I slow down?                                     TOGETHER we will weed.

How can I release?                                            TOGETHER we will sow.

There are so many pressures.                      TOGETHER we will water.

How can I find peace?                                    TOGETHER, you will grow.

Jo Anna O’Keefe

et cetera
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