{July 8, 2020}   I Come Prepared

Sunday I go over to JW’s after a fairly hard week and Saturday. I had been battling my depression something hard all week and spent most the time I wasn’t at work or home crying. I had broke down and cried when I was with him a few times.

Sunday I was feeling a little better I stopped over there. He asked what I was doing. I told him. He asked if he could go. We took off to get things done. We were riding around talking and some how babies and baby stuff and all that came up. I truly can’t remember how or why. But I said I had a crib in my closet. We were talking. He stopped and said what a crib? Why do you have a crib?

My youngest is 7 so. He was trying to figure it out. I was just driving along carrying on a normal conversation he ask this. I never looked at him missed a beat cracked a smile nothing. As i replied to him. I just said I come prepared. Omg the silence and the little bit of the look i could see on his face and in the reflect on the glass. 🤣 It was beyond priceless. I can’t even explain it. I said what? He couldn’t even look at me. He was so shocked and at a loss for words. I thought i was going to have to give him CPR. By this point I busted out laughing. I was laughing so hard, i was crying and my stomach was hurting. He was like uh ah um man that wasn’t even funny. I said maybe not but omg the look on your face was beyond funny. I wish I had that recorded. He started laughing too. He was like that was just not right, that was just wrong. We laughed some more. He was like I’m glad I can make you laugh at least.

But what was he thinking? He knows we talked about it more than once I do not want to have anymore. He don’t want to have anymore. His are grown, like 18, 20 and 22 i think. And he knows I went and got on the pill. He was so shook by what I said. But he is the one at the same time told me don’t worry about birth control or condoms. I can’t have anymore. When he has done nothing to prevent it from happening. He thinks because him and his ex didn’t get pregnant in all the years they were together it can’t happen. She had kids he has kids he just got lucky. Even if it couldn’t he don’t know if it was because of him or her. It isn’t like he went to see. It just didn’t happen so he assumes. There is no doubt in my mind if I had not gotten on something or used something we would probably already be pregnant right now. But then he freaks out about a comment or the thought of it.

I called my friend J who moved away today. I said you know how I always leave you speechless and in shock. She said yes only you all the time. I started laughing and told her that I had left JW shocked beyond what she could of ever been or thought. She said omg what did you do to him? What did you say?

I told her what happen and what was said. She was like omg no you didn’t, omg, omg I can’t imagine what he was thinking. I can’t believe you did said that. She said I can’t imagine if you said that to me and what my reaction would be. But this is the person your with, you love, your planning a future with and SLEEPING with. Do you know what he must of thought. Do you know what is going to be in the back of his mind every time you do something now. She ask if he had kids and how old they were he was. I told her. She was like omg no wonder he don’t want more and you went and said something like that. I laughed. I said no he is alright now. He knows I don’t want more it was a joke. She was like yeah but he going to always have that little thought in the back of his head do you really want one more.

She said why do you say stuff like that? How do you come up with stuff like that just in an instant like that? You got to stop saying stuff and doing stuff like that 🤣.

I was laughing when he came to the truck. He was looking at me like what now. I told him I told her what I had said to him. He laughed. But you know what, you have to be able to laugh and joke around together. I have to be with someone I can the way my depression is, I have to laugh and joke when I can. I’m not making fun of anyone or being mean or anything like that. Its just stupid stuff. It isn’t like we haven’t talked about it and know where we both stand or that we have different views on it. I’m not trying to push or trick him into having another kid. Like I said he knows I got on the pill, i make sure I stop whatever I am doing and take it and everything. I think the reality that it could happen even if we are careful hit. That even if we don’t want another it could happen hit. And for me to say that it was the last thing he expected he needed a second to process. He laughs and even today talked about it. We both know we don’t want more. It was just a joke to laugh lighten a miserable week.



I was just looking at a picture someone posted they seen for free on facebook and everyone was commenting on it. They were talking about how weird and creepy it is. They were joking about it being haunted or cursed. It made me think of the upside down cross.

When I had my Mr.8 I moved the kids rooms around in my old house, I gave oldest my room and made her room the baby’s room since it was the smallest. I then moved my room into the extra room we had that I was using for an office are.

Well my mom had this big bed she wanted to get rid of. Father of the year wanted it. I didn’t like the set but said whatever I didn’t care. So he went and got it and brought it home. As soon as he brought it in we started setting it up I noticed on the back of the headboard n the middle at the bottom was an upside down cross. Just something about it I didn’t like, the feeling I had. He kept saying it was made that way it wasn’t meant to be and it was the way it was put together and everything. I said no it was done after it was made and probably after it was bought. My mom and him both had already said how this lady was different that they got it from she was from some other country and was talking about curses and different things and had all this odd stuff in her house.

I seen this and the feeling it gave me I just wanted to get rid of it but nothing do him he wanted to keep it. I am not normally that way about things, but this just wasn’t cool. I said okay then fine I am going to paint over it. He had a fit I as going to paint this big nice bed. I said who cares it is on the back no one is going to see it. It was late and I was tired I just wanted to get the thing up and go to bed. I searched the house for paint and all I could find was a can of black spray paint. He had a fit again about that. I was going to use spray paint. I wasn’t going to buy paint that time of night and why not it was there and wasn’t for anything. I then set up a big sheet of plastic or something on the floor right there in the bedroom and started paining it in the middle of the floor. I painted and painted over it and could not cover it up.

He wanted to keep it so we put it up. I still think it was cursed or something. I don’t know. My mom told me to give it to my sister when we got divorced and moved. I didn’t think it was a good idea with that on there and us getting a divorce but she did so I gave it to her. I don’t know if she kept it or what she did with it. I know she did for a bit but I don’t know if she still has it. I told her about it she thought it was odd but didn’t think much of it.

Back then we were going to church all the time and things. maybe that is why it bothered me so much. But I think it would bother me the same today if it was on something or the same things happen. I am not going to church or all into that stuff like I as back then. I have slowly gotten away from it all over the years with everything I have been through and going through. But it would bother me mostly because even if I don’t believe or what others do and it is just disrespect to others to do things like that with things from their religion.

Years later not long before he decided to step out of the picture for good Father of the year was talking about that bed it came up some how. He said he wish he had never kept it and that he thinks now it was cursed or something.

{February 4, 2019}   No Husband or Boyfriend

Little Bitty just told me that I can’t get a boyfriend or a husband because she loves me very much and wants to sleep in my bed forever. She said if I get a boyfriend or husband then he will love me very much too and want to sleep with me and then she can’t. So I just can’t have one. 🤣😂

{December 12, 2017}   Nerves Still

As far as the kids know my friend is just that, a friend renting a room. They do not need to know any different than that right now. He understands why and things because we talked about it before. I wasn’t sure how that was going to work when he moved in or how to handle it but so far it hasn’t come up. We don’t hold hands, hug, kiss, nothing like that in front of them. He don’t sleep in my bed or anything.

Other than things he says, comments he makes and things he says to others you not know we were together. We haven’t been affectionate with each other at all really even when they are not around. We been here when they are at school and at night after they go to bed. But he just isn’t like that. He held my hand a few times at the beach and put his arm around me when we were walking or sitting there and things but that is it. He hadn’t tried to kiss me or anything like that.

The other night after he been here or a week or so I was laying in bed one night and he text me and ask me something. We were talking back and forth, I said I was cold. He said he could come warm me up if I wanted him to. I told him it was up to him. He said I am asking you if you want me to or something like that. I told him it was up to him and if he wanted to or something. We talked a minute he came in there and laid down finally. I won’t lie it felt good to just lay there we talked a little bit. He started rubbing my back and things. He started kissing me and things went a little far. In a minute he stopped and said something I asked if he had anything, he said no. He kissed me again and things then he laid down beside me grabbed me and pulled me over to him was holding me, he said I don’t know why you make me so dam nerves. Why the hell do I get so nerves when I’m around you. I laughed and ask him why or what he meant. He was like I don’t know I just do I can’t explain it, I just get so nerves. I said well not like we can do anything anyway no one has anything and I’m not on anything either. He said I figured when you asked. I said well, not like I need it enough to be on something all the time and I couldn’t use the other with the last person I was with so I don’t have any. He like well I didn’t plan this and wasn’t expecting this to happen right now so I hadn’t worried about it. He said I’m not trying to throw myself at you. I laughed, I said I didn’t think you were.

We were talking he said something about being nerves again, he said I just like we been getting to know each other and being friends, not rushing into things. I just don’t want to mess things up. I told him yeah I know what he meant and that I enjoyed it too and didn’t want to rush into things either. We went to sleep and went on about like nothing ever happen.

He hasn’t said anything since, the other night I ask him if he wanted to come lay down he said yeah in a few minutes. He never came in I ask him if something was wrong? If I did something or what was wrong? No answer, I started to send him something else but fell a sleep typing it up. I finished it the next morning and sent it. I was in my room laying down again at that point and had come out once and ask him something he was kind of short and that was it. I was mad but know that a lot of it is me as well, dealing with things from the past so I didn’t want to come off snappy or bitchy. I just went back to bed and decided to message him since he wasn’t going to answer me sitting here anyway. I finished it Saturday morning and sent it to him.

I ask him if it had to do with the other night and what happen? I told him that I thought we both kind of read more into it than was there and let things go a little far and that wasn’t why I had ask him to come in there or why I wanted him to come in there the other night. I told him that wasn’t what I was looking for, that I liked that we were getting to know each other and things like he had said that I had rushed into things more than once in the pest and that nothing good ever comes of it and that isn’t what I wanted. That I liked the being close, holding each other sleeping, talking, hugging, kissing or whatever. That, that was what I needed and that the other would come in time when it was right and we were both ready. I said other things, I also told him thank you for helping me with the house and the kids, that I was just overwhelmed and things that I was trying to get on top of things and get them turned around but I was having a hard time on my own. I thanked him for helping me get the dog’s kennel and things. I can’t think of everything I said, it’s been a few days now. I said that is basically where I am and where I am coming from and I guess just trying to figure out the same from you. Again never said a word about any of it at all. Oh and I also said to him Mr. if I was there you would sleep good and if I was there we could cuddle and it would be nice to cuddle and watch tv or what. But I don’t see any of that. I figure he said something to that but he didn’t. Because he use to say all the time how if he was here we could cuddle watch tv, if he was here we could cuddle and sleep and how we sleep so good and things. Like I told him that is what I want.

I feel like I give, give, give and getting nothing in return, but then I know I am because all he is doing around here and trying to get things done and helping with the kids and things. But I am not getting what I need as far as relationship wise or what I am looking for. Again I am with the help and things but the closeness isn’t there that I need. I don’t need it all the time or in front of the kids and things. But once in a while when we are alone or the kids are in bed would be nice.

I do feel he is taking it slow but I think maybe a little to slow. I don’t want to feel like I am pushing him into something or “throwing” myself at him. I just wish I really knew what he was thinking or what. I was going to try and talk to him tonight but he didn’t get home from work until after 8. I am going to give it a little while see what happens. If he hadn’t said things and said stuff to others about us I wouldn’t even think we were together. I still can not figure out why he is nerves around me. I wish he would tell me, but he says he don’t know.

{December 12, 2017}   He Needs To Go Home Now

I think I told you all my friend starfish moved in already if not he did last week or the week before sometime. Everything seems to run together and be one big blur right now. He been sleeping on the couch until we get the room cleaned out for him and things moved around.

Since he has been here he has been helping get things around the house done and helping get the kids back under control. They are not happy but it is getting better. They don’t like it that mom is enforcing the rules and restrictions. He has been helping. He told them he seen how they been walking over me taking advantage of me and not listening or doing what they were supposed to. That it wasn’t right and it was going to stop.

The boys have been in their room for days because they do not want to clean it, they talk, play, throw fits and have melt downs. Today it is finally done and they can have the phone, tv and computer back tomorrow since they didn’t have any fits and got it done.

Little Bitty is more than unhappy with him. She thinks because he is here is why she can’t sleep in my bed or use the phone. I picked her up from school yesterday and she was egale eyeing the truck and looking to see if he was in it. She asked if he was and I told her no. She said good she didn’t want me to go get him and she didn’t want me to bring him back to our house anymore. She said he needed to stay at his house now. I ask her why she said he was mean and she didn’t like him. Finally it come out she wanted to use the phone and sleep in my bed. I told her it didn’t matter who was or wasn’t here she was not doing either one. That she had to go to bed in her bed and that as long as she threw a fit for two hours before she went to sleep she would not be using the phone or tv when the next day. She kept on most the evening and after he got home that she wanted me to take him to his house and she didn’t want him here he needed to leave and everything. I told her he was renting the room this was his house she said he needed to find a new one. Then she told me I could take him home and stay there with him if I wanted her sister would take care of them she didn’t want him here. Mind you this is the same child that has told me daily for days now that she hates me, that she don’t want me to tell her I love her, she hates that I love her. She is no holds bars when it comes to what she wants and what she thinks will get it for her.

Well her saying she didn’t want him here and that he was mean really got to him. He made a deal with her that she could use the phone for a little bit before dinner and for thirty minutes before bed. I said um hum she got to you, you gave in and gave her what she wants. He said no I am just trying something, I said okay but when I was doing x earlier I was babying and giving in. I said you just got worked and now she knows how to work you it’s only going to get worse.

He said I never seen a kid say they don’t want someone at their house and to make them leave and things like that and I don’t know why she say’s I’m mean. I gave her a drink and told her to go back to bed last night and she went right in there went right to sleep in minutes. He said Big Girl was sitting right here she knows I wasn’t mean to her. I said I know you weren’t either but like I said there is nothing she won’t say or try to get what she wants.

Today she has been telling me she don’t want him here again. I ask why she tells me the same-thing she wants to use the phone and sleep in my bed. It’s not like he is sleeping in my bed or anything like that he isn’t, so she can’t say because he is she can’t. Just because he told her she needed to listen to me and go to bed.

Other than that things are going pretty good. The boys get mad he tells them they can’t do something or to clean and things, but then when he isn’t hear all I hear is where is he? Is he coming back? When is he coming back? They all like him they just are not use to having someone else telling them what to do or helping me. When my mom was here she tried to but she just came in took over and started barking orders and treating them like crap and everything was in the air everyone fighting. He talks to them and things not just barking orders or trying to push everyone around or what. Like my friend said Little Bitty has never had a man in the house, it is always me. The other kids their dad has been in the picture but he was never one to make sure things got done, or get the to do things or try to make them listen. I was always the one who had to take control of everything and make sure everything got done or play ref between everyone because if he did decide he was going to do something he talked to and treated them worse than you would animals. So to have someone else here helping and things is going to take some getting use to. Someone that talks to them and things not just treat them like crap and get away with everything.

Tonight he isn’t here and they are trying to take advantage of it. Little Bitty is mad she can’t take the phone to bed. I don’t know why because she isn’t allowed to any other time. Finding 50 reason’s why she can’t go to bed.

{December 16, 2016}   Kind Of Back

I have limited internet and it is kind of slow. But now having what I do I can work on getting better internet back and get some paperwork and things done. Then it won’t be so slow and I will be able to be on whenever I want not just for a little bit here and there. I am trying to get the kids dinner the house cleaned up and them on bed. Then I will be back to kind of catch things up and fill in the gaps once again. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to do that for a while.

{July 18, 2016}   Should Be Doing Homework

But it is so late and I am tired but can’t sleep, but not in a state I would get much done if I tried working on it. I thought I was going to get my bed to myself tonight I was wrong. Money just came got in my bed ask if we could watch  a show. Before I could move things to lay down and turn it on she is passed out sideways across the top of my bed here behind me. I could try to put her in her bed but lately she sleeps like a feather. I lift her off the bed and she is pointing to get back in it and don’t stay in hers if I take her.

I think this is another reason I can’t get my work done I am not sleeping good at night. Then all I want to do in the day is sleep or I walk around like a zombie just bumping through the day. I have two reports due one this Sunday and one next Sunday. Next weeks is an eight page report from an interview I have to do with someone who works with domestic violence. My sons theripest use to and said she could do it but I think I need someone who does it now. I will probably end up using her and hoping for the best because I don’t have anyone to watch the kids while I go interview someone. I will just print the questions out or email them to her and have her answer them or do them at her office why the kids play. I have to get at least a C in the class, I don’t think at this point I can pull off anything higher but with the Summer I have had I will be happy with a C. Then my computer class decided to save a bulk of the work and drop on us at the end of the class when it is the harder stuff rather than at the start of the class when the stuff we were learning was easier. He even said that most students in past classes found these to be harder chapters and work and that it seem to take them a lot longer. But does he try to change things around and even things out no. You would think knowing we have a shorter term and having to get everything done in less time than the other terms he would try to make it so that all the hard stuff is due in a week at the same time. It is a class I let drop me last time so I didn’t know all this work was at the end. I thought it was another one that I knew what kind of work load it was and it would go good with the other classes. Boy was I wrong.

I have to have the class for my degree but not to move on and do other things. If I don’t pass it this time I am going to save it until later and take. I still can’t decide what to take this term coming up and the last day to sign up for classes is in the next week or so. If I wait longer I will be charged a late fee for each class and I don’t want to do that. I want to keep as much of my money as I can and not waste it. Part of it depends on if I pass this one class or not. I guess I will go ahead and pick my classes as if I am going to pass, if I don’t I will have to redo it and then pay the late fee. I think I have figured it out and if I do really good on the last few lessons and the exam I will have a just under a B.

I guess I better get to sleep I have to have my boy to school in about 5 hours. Not sure if we are going to school or making a stop at the doctors first. He has a cough, now my big boy has it and my oldest says her throat hurts. I want to keep him home but they said if he misses days he will not be allowed to finish the program. He really likes going, he would be so upset if he couldn’t keep going. It’s ok if he is late or if he gets checked out early he just has to show up for part of the day. I may just take him and let him stay long enough to get counted as there and bring him home. I am not sure yet.

Right now I am just going to enjoy my few hours in my bed alone. I got her to her bed without waking her, she isn’t feeling good either and hasn’t had a nap today so she must be wiped out.

I have been back to being up all night or most the night for a while now. I will be up until 6 to 8 am sleep a few hours and go again. I have started having to take my Little Guy to school then I try to sleep and hour or two after I get back but sit here awake even then.

The other day I took him to school, came home laid down and tried to go to sleep until the kids started getting up in a bit. I laid her even then for a couple hours. My little bitty had went with me to take him to school and was laying on the couch watching tv. In a little bit I felt something hit the bed and looked, it was her blanket, she was climbing up into my bed with me. It’s funny because the side of the bed comes to her shoulders so she had to toss her stuff up here and then climbs up or I pick her up.

As soon as she got up here she laid down beside me and I put my arm around her and we were both passed out a sleep in a matter of minutes. It hit me when I woke up I’m not sleeping good because I don’t have that other person there beside me. It never bothered me before I don’t know why it is now. I use to love to have my bed to myself at times even when I was with someone. I guess I’m just missing having some one there over all lately.

I could let Little Bitty sleep with me but she kills me and is a bed hog. She can’t lay in the bed normal and sleep, she is turned sideways and upside down with feet and arms everywhere. Or she likes to get right against my back and sleep, either way I can’t move I am falling off the bed and I wake up hurting so bad I can hardly stand up and walk.

I told my friend I just need someone to come over and sleep with me at night so I can sleep. Nothing else just sleep, she about died laughing. But you know like I said in my post the other day when things got bad between Father of The Year I stopped going to bed at night and sleeping I sleep when he left for work or sleep on the couch. When things were good between us we always slept in the same bed. We may not go to bed at the same time but I would do what I was doing then go to bed shortly after he did. When me and RC were together we went to bed together every night, I got use to it. After 4 years I can’t believe it is bothering me like it is, it better go away because who knows when I will have someone to sleep with again.


{June 29, 2016}   Re:Shipping Delays

We thought we could put the bed up with what we had since we had bunk boards but that didn’t work. Lucky the slats came the next evening and we got it all up and they were able to sleep in them. I ended up having to look the beds up to see something about them while we were putting them together and the lady didn’t refund me because of Shipping Delays like she said. She gave me a refund because the bed had went on sale after I ordered it and before it could even get to my house. They would have refunded that money had I known and said something to start with. She says she is going to give me a refund because it was late. Oh well at least it got here and it didn’t cost me to much extra since the second one cost more than the first.

My Little Bitty finally went and got in her bed and slept after her friend got upset and left the other night. The next night I asked her how she liked her new bed? She said it was really cold. Their room is the coldest in the house. I told her to wear clothes to bed she wouldn’t be as cold and that I would fix the vent to see if that helped. She told me you don’t wear clothes to bed you supposed to sleep naked. She sleeps in her underwear. I told her no some people wear clothes to bed and went in there and showed her that sissy had clothes on. Well pajamas anyway. She said ok I gave her a shirt and told her to at least wear that. She still insisted on sleeping with me that night. I said I thought you liked your new bed? She said I do a little but I like yours too. But she wore her shirt all night I was surprised. She hates clothes she runs around in her underwear all time when we are home. If we go somewhere as soon as she gets in the door she strips she isn’t even home two minutes. I put her in her gown or something for bed and when we get up in the morning she had gotten up in the night taken it off and tossed it in the floor. I gave up trying to get her to wear something to bed. She has about 5 blankets scattered on her bed she sleeps all in and always covers herself up. Most the time she is covered from head to toe with her blanket. She has been that way since she was a baby. Her first night in her big girl bed I went in there she was had her head at the foot, her feet propped up on the pillow sticking from under her blanket and the rest of her covered up. I can’t say I blame her I don’t like wearing clothes either. I get dressed when I have to go somewhere that’s it, other than that at home I am in a night gown or some big t shirt and a pair of shorts or lounge pants. At least she did sleep in her bed last night without me having to let her sleep in mine and then moving her like the night before.

et cetera
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