Pushing Away

I have not heard from Special K in a week. I told him last week I was getting off early and then got off earlier than I had planed so I asked him right out if he wanted company or about coming over and I have not heard from him at all. I don’t know how I really feel about that. It sucks because I do have feelings for him, and came to the realization that Maybe He Is The One . I think the worse feeling is knowing that I didn’t want him to go away but that I pushed him away. I know I said a few times that I wanted to cut things off because I felt bad because, he wanted more and I didn’t. But at the same time I couldn’t and didn’t know why. I kept going back and back, but I did because it felt good being with him, I felt safe, I felt cared for, I felt I mattered, I felt he took the time to listen and wanted to know what was going on with me or just let me vent. He did little things and didn’t say anything but like to let me know he noticed something I said or did or posted even.

One thing that stands out is a night I went over and we sat at the table and talked for a while. I noticed he had the radio on in the other room. It wasn’t loud just enough you could hear it background noise you could say. It as all songs I listen to I listen to all kinds of stuff but Country mostly when I am alone and had been posting some songs on facebook or post some here and there. It was different ones I had put on there or that I normally listen to.

The the way he didn’t try to just rush in and want to take care of things. He say he wanted to help and work together and that person can’t really do it on their own.

How he said he wasn’t going anywhere, he was there for as long as I would let him. That he wanted to improve his life and I did mine that as long as we were working together we would bring each other up.

Just a lot he has said and done that I should of looked at different and didn’t or I should of really thought about instead of all the reasons not to.

I pushed him away like I did RC, just in a different way. To be honest he probably would of been just as good as my relationship with RC maybe better.

How Do You Like Your Other Job

I had to work at the lot today 9-7 like always. Everyone was there today other than Mr.Auto, it is his day off. Mr. T and T jr. were back from vacation as well. Oh an Sim wasn’t there. He took the day off since they were back I guess.

It was a simi busy day, a lot of payments and some looking to buy for a change. I helped a few. One couple decided to come in a few weeks when she can get something she wants not just because she needs it. I think they will come see me again the liked what we had they just needed a little more down than they had.

The owner was pretty busy running around taking care of things so I didn’t see him much. He came over we went out to talk to another couple about a truck and give them some information. Then when he was asking what I wanted he was going to get everyone lunch. All they do over here is eat. It is a good thing I am only there all day the one day.

But anyway me and T jr closed tonight and Mr.T ended up staying waiting for Mr. Auto to come in. I guess he was out working picking up cars today even though he was off. They were there too.

About 6:30 Mr. T came and sat at my desk ask how I was doing, then ask how long I had been at the knife place and how I liked it?

I told him since October that they were good to me I liked it. He asked how the pay was? I said not enough that is why I’m here. He said how much do they pay you? He said I’m sorry I’m not trying to be nosie. If you don’t mind me asking. I said $10. He was shocked and dumbfounded you could tell. He said I want to simi retire and not be here as much. He said I don’t know if that is something you would be interested in or not, it be a lot better or much better than $10. I said I like my job but I am always open to talking and always keep my options open. He said okay once I decide what I am doing or if I am going to I will talk to you first. He said I talked to Sim and he really likes you and says you know what your doing and smart. He said I think I like to bring you on but I didn’t know if it was something you would be interested in. But you are so I will let you know. I said okay thank you.

I am not sure what he is thinking because everyone is sales but the one lady that works with me. She is collection’s and things like that. If he brings me in and gives me some kind of job over her I don’t think that is going to go over well. She has a degree in buisness and has been there a long time. I think anything he give me would be something she could do so she going to be mad she didn’t get a shot at it.

I thought too maybe he is going to give me her job and move her up. But I don’t know because I know some are not to happy with her and Sim and her butt heads. She was telling me last night he got onto her for a bunch of stuff just the last two days. How he was mad she had me to some of her work the first few Saturdays I was there. It was so I could learn how to put payments in. But I knew and it is only one kind so once you do a few you know it. I felt lately like somethings she was just giving me so she didn’t have to. But I do and don’t care. It gives me something to do but at the sametime it seems it is just expected I am or should do it. I don’t like to feel that way.

Other than that I don’t think anyone else would have anything to say or care. Just leaves the 3 guys. T jr already has more say and control he the owner’s son so. Mr. Auto I don’t think is really interested in anything like that he is sales and repo’s he does good. The other guy I don’t think could or would want to do something like collections or handle the office end of things. He is just more of a do as told he don’t question or worry about why.

Other than those 3 the others all work in the service area and have their boss and things. We don’t intertwine in that area so it wouldn’t really affect them.

I need to talk to him about some things that went on today, when I go in Wednesday. While I’m in talking to him I am going to ask him about it. Mostly just what I would be doing or job title.

Re:Re: A Decent Job

Yesterday me and my bff went to lunch and we were talking about things at the shop and all that is going on between what happen to the kid last week and a bunch of stuff that is going down at the shop.

She said oh guess what happen with that job you were supposed to have and they gave to someone else? I said I don’t know and hadn’t asked because of all that happen with the kid. She said well the girl they hired only lasted a day and a half and got fired.

I guess they all went to dinner and she got wasted and acted pretty bad. Then the next day she jumped all over the bosses kids for being in the office and told them not to be in there and around her and things. That was it she was gone. I guess she wasn’t really all that nice about it and jumped on them instead of saying something to the parents if there was a problem.

I didn’t even ask what they were going to do now or if he was interested in me or not. If he calls I feel like telling him, you know after I left and thought about it, it’s a lot of work for such little pay. For my experience and things. If you would like to discuss pay and if we can agree on an amount then I would be willing to come talk with you. I think my boss probably said of if you offer her x an hour she will do it she needs a job so bad blah blah. Because I was first told it was $2.50 more an hour. Then when I talk to boss he was like its decent hours but its this much an hour like he knew it wasn’t a lot. But I am telling you he is so shady I can see him telling him just offer x and then turning around to me saying oh he only wants to pay x but its good days and hours.

I really do not want to take it because it is a lot of shit for very little. But it is Monday through Friday 9 to 5 and i can get kids to and from school. But I also still have to make something. I don’t figure he will call me there was something said or done that made him not hire me to start with. I still think it had to do with my ex. Or the fact I have kids and asked if there was a lunch break. Oh well, I am not going to stress over it or even think about it because it is probably not going to happen. If he offers I will cross that bridge when I get there. Until then I have to much to take care of.

I talked to Starfish tonight he told me he starts his new job Monday. I said fun fun. He said you didn’t hear me did you? I said yeah your going back to work Monday. Something about the shop. He stop me and said not the shop over at my old job. He starting this business and he wants me to come work for him. I started to say something but we did not have a good connection I got lost forever. By time I go back where we could talk he had went to bed. I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it some more.

This is the car lot group he will be back in with. I was going to ask him if he thought that was a good idea? But didn’t get to. I ask him what boss said? He said he not told him he hadn’t gotten a hold of him anymore about work and things. He told him he couldn’t come until Monday because he had other stuff to do. But I guess he never responded back. He said fuck boss I am done with him I told you. I still don’t know if this other job is any better. Its farther away from his house than the shop. It is down here past my house. But one of the guys lived somewhere up where he is so I am wondering if he plans on riding with him. That is part of the reason why he took it, that way he not having to get a ride from his mom. She is sick again the mass came back.

I started to ask him if this guy needed anymore help. I could work my days off. But I don’t know. I might because I am so tired of this pizza place and how abusive the old man is. It makes my skin crawl and makes me want to puke. It is really bad and it is all I can do to not say something. If he ever talks to me that way one time it will be done. He talks to his wife and the younger boy that works with us like dogs. It don’t matter if we have customers or who is around. I have to find one really decent job or one better than this pizza one. One really decent one I could just do it and forget all the rest. One better than the pizza job then i could do it and the escape room job. Forget pizza’s.

Daddy’s Bad Day

Sunday I woke up to a call saying that my dad was having a bad day and had took a turn for the worse. They said they found him down in his room again and he was a mess. They called the hospice people they came out and helped get him cleaned up and called for a hospital bed, oxygen, a table and some other things for him. They said that it had gotten worse faster than they had thought it would and that they figured it only be a week to a few days probably only a few days. I got the kids dressed and ready and took them to my friends house to stay why I went over to see what was going on.

I got there he was on the couch and they were moving stuff in his room for the bed and waiting of it to be brought. The hospice nurse was there and doing paperwork showing them how to give him meds.

I went over tried talking to him he would look around and little and shake his head and then just close his eyes. The nurse started telling them how to give him the morphine and Ativan. I wanted to know why they were giving the Ativan he didn’t seem like he needed it. They said to calm him down because his blood presure was up. He wasn’t fighting or trying to move around I didn’t like the idea but didn’t say anything. When he was in the hospital a few years ago that is what they put him on and kept him out for days. Then when they took him off and he started coming to he was really grouchy and nasty they had to give him something else to sedate him. I think the morphine would have been enough. I figured they were going to want to give him more in a little bit and I was going to tell them no. But they didn’t.

My grandpa came up to see him for a little bit. I went and got my mom and my sister they wanted to go see him because no one knew how long he was going to still know who people were or anything like that. When they said a matter of days the way he was I really figured everyone should come now and see him if they wanted too. I finally had to go over get the kids from my friends house and tell them what was going on and that grandpa wasn’t going to get better. That it was probably only going to be a few days. They just knew he had been to the hospital and wasn’t feeling good. I had apoinment with the therapest to talk to her about it on Monday and talk with them about it. But I didn’t want to wait and not give them a chance to talk to him and tell them what they wanted to tell him why he still knew who they were and things. He shake his head and stuff but he wouldn’t talk. Seemed like he had a really hard time when he would try.

They went over and went in to see him. My little guy don’t really understand any of it right now. He went said hi and told him he loved him and then went out to play. My big girl understands and she is pretty upset. She sat down beside his bed in the chair and he reach out for her hand she sat there and held his hand for a while. She told him she loved him and thank you for all he had done for her and gave her. He shook his head when she said she loved him like to say is back. My baby girl don’t have a clue really what is going on but when I was sitting by his bed she came and wanted on his lap. She sit there and just chatter a way or look at him. She singing something. I said she is singing for you daddy you hear her he look. I could tell he wanted say something but couldn’t he kind of had this half smile. She didn’t want to get down off my lap for anything she kept sticking her feet in the bars and I couldn’t figure out what she was doing. I said grandpa don’t want to smell your stinky feet she laugh. I was watching her his hand was there no one was holding it but he had it close to the rail on the bed and it was resting against it. She was trying to put her foot in his hand. She always grabs her foot and plays with it or tickles her feet and plays with them when he is over. Most the time she is sitting in the truck in her seat and he will grab them. She use to hold them up tell him stinky feet and things. She wanted him to grab her foot and play with her. She got upset when he wasn’t. I guess she seen him holding everyone else hand and things. I stuck her foot up where he could hold it he rubbed it she just smiled. She sat there for a long time just watching him and things.

I don’t know what they were all doing but everyone went out of the room there for a little bit and he was laying there with his eyes closed I gave him a hug told him how much I loved him. I told him I was sorry he was sick and that I understood why he decided to do things the way he did. That I was glade he was ok with everything and at peace with what he decided and that it was hard but I was trying to be ok with it too. I told him that we were sure going to miss him either way. He pulled a way a little and turned to look at me. He looked at me. It was odd he looked at me really funny. I asked him if he was ok he said yeah. I asked him if he wanted me to go out and let him sleep he said no. He wanted me to stay with him. At this point he was talking some but not to many words and not real loud they were low. I sat him up and I had been looking for the blanket I got him for Christmas to put over him he shook his head earlier that he wanted it when I asked him. They hunted and hunted around looking for it couldn’t find it. They kept saying he left it at my house I told them no he had not. So when he started talking some I told him I was going to put it over him but we couldn’t find it. He told me it was at his friends house. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t say anything. I feed him some soup and gave him some water he ate pretty good and drank a good amount of water. He said he wanted to sleep some more he was tired. I sat with him til he went to sleep and went out.

Everyone was getting ready to leave I was going to go and go back up the next morning and someone said something about staying so I ended up staying up there for the night to help if he needed anything and to be there in case anything happen. He got up in the night and wanted to go to the bathroom they got him in there. The next morning they made him eggs I went in to see how he was and he seemed more alert and things. They brought his eggs in and asked him if he wanted me to feed them to him he said no he wanted to feed himself. We moved the table over in front of him and let him eat he did pretty good and ate most of them. I sat in his room talked to him for a while then he wanted to get up and go outside. We sat out there for a long time he had a cigarette and things.  They sent a hospice case worker and nurse out to check on him. They asked him if he had a bad fall the day before he said no. They said you didn’t fall down? He insisted he hadn’t. I said then what happen yesterday daddy? He said what do you mean? I said if you didn’t fall then what happen to you? He said well that wall and ceiling fell in on me again. That is what he has been telling me since he was able to talk again when you ask him. I said oh ok I just wondered. The hospice nurse and worker just said oh ok and looked at me. I wanted them to know how he was doing. They are setting up for a CNA and things to come out check on him 3 days a week the nurse is going to come out one day and the worker is going to come out once every few weeks.

We started talking about it I wonder if he didn’t have another seizure that is why they found him on the floor such a mess. It has been about two years they have never figured out why he had them. They did take him off the meds for them about a year ago or more. It wasn’t the first he had he had one years before that and one many years before. They did test after test and have never found out why. They told him at one point it was from drinking but he hasn’t drank in over two years. He stopped drinking when my grandpa died just before that. I’m just happy he is having much better days since and it isn’t a matter of days for him now. My brothers step daughter was set to be induced on Monday. I told them when I got there Sunday I bet he waited for her to have the baby and come home so not to be surprised or shocked. He was kind of excited about the baby coming. But then he was doing so much better that night and the next day. He is doing pretty good today too. He is a little confused about things and understanding things but he knows pretty much what is going on. I think the biggest problem is he can’t hear me on the phone since his hearing has gotten so bad. When I am in front of him he don’t seem bad at all. I guess he isn’t really confused or not understanding me he just isn’t able to really hear me on his phone to well. But his hearing has been bad for a while.

He also has been sick for a while because when they moved stuff out of his room they found where he gotten sick in bags and towels and things and not said anything to anyone and tried to hide it I guess.

Trying Something Different

The last couple of weeks I haven’t posted a lot. There was just a lot going on the first week and I just didn’t have much to write about. This past week I was still in a little bit of a funk and just didn’t feel like writing a lot and with it being Thanksgiving and shopping week I know a lot of people are not going to be on and reading and a lot of post are not going to be seen or seen by to many. The last few days I have felt like writing some but have kept it pretty light and about the holiday or whatever.

But in the mean time I have thought of somethings I wanted to write about. Somethings I want to get others input or advice on and somethings to just maybe get a discussions going or what. I normally post 2 to 3 times a day. But just about whatever is bothering me at the time what has happen that day something I found out or just random whatever I am feeling when the mood to write hits. I know a lot of my post probably sound like just that random whatever that are scattered and end up off topic. Like I said a while back most the time I don’t have a lot of time to sit down and write it is just a fast few minutes here and there with the kids fighting in the background and wanting something. I am happy with my lay our and things as for my page and my theme and that kind of thing for now. But I would like my post to be a lot better. So that is what I have worked on doing this last few days. I have put together so far about 5 or 6 good post about different things. I wrote them and then left them sit for a while and have went back and read over them again and took things out that seemed to get off topic and things like that. Fixed spelling and rearranged things to make it make more since. I may or may not go back and look over them again before I post them. It will just depend if the urge hits me that I should or need to. I am going to start trying to do this all the time. Start writing things ahead of time and then have them to post. I will still have 1 or two post in a day that are just the happenings of the day or that thing that just pops up that has to be posted right now. But I am slowly working on it all to make it all come together and have more put together and to the point post. Not ramblings from a crazy person. Although no I’m not crazy I’m just depressed, over whelmed really. But I am sure it seems crazy at times.

I am so grateful for all the followers I have now and who read my ramblings. I hope to gain more and have more input and feedback from you all as things get better. I am sure it is no secret I was never good with grammar in school. When it comes to punctuation and coma’s and all that for some odd reason I just never seemed to get. I did at one point but then it just seems like it all went a way. I don’t know I did really good in school until about middle school. Then it all fell a part and not because I stopped trying or things got a lot harder. I just had a really hard time understanding. But that is also the time in life that I went threw severe depression, panic and anxiety for the first time. I did a lot of my work at home on my own with out any adults to help. Even though I was at home and didn’t have to go to school for a while it was still hard for me to really get into it and understand it. I fumbled threw to pass. If I was able to make it to school and go to any classes I sat there working so hard on not breaking down and crying in class and not having an attack that I wasn’t able to listen to the teacher or ask questions. Most the time I would end up in the office before the 2nd or 3rd class of the day.

I try to use spell check and things on here as much as I can and look things up if it still just don’t seem right. But when I am in a hurry I have to rely on spell check here and myself. I don’t always have the time to stop and look stuff up every few minutes. Punctuation outside of your basic stuff I am going to have to go back look up and start over from the be-gaining there. Because you just can’t check that online. It really sucks because I went from all A’s and B’s to just getting by after that the rest of the way threw school. I missed so much and things from then that I had a hard time when I got into high school also. That also makes it hard to get a job in a office and things like that. I mostly do cashiering, stock and things like that. The few times I have been able to get a office job I was lucky that I didn’t have to do a lot of spelling and things. Most the time I answered questions and if the people wanted to go farther they had to fill out a sheet with all their info on it for our files so I didn’t have to worry about it. If I had to fill it out I got their ID with their info on it and things like that. I found ways to get by with out people knowing what I was doing.

Here I go rambling again but hey at least now you know why my post aren’t as nicely put together as they could or should be. I am going to def work on it and improve it I hope. I know when people read what I write and things they probably think I am stupid or uneducated and that isn’t it at all. I would probably think the same things if I wasn’t the way I am. I’m really not I have trained to do some many different things and done so many different things. Now if I have to take a class or classes for something I can ace them. It is hard because of my writing and things but I just have to set aside extra time to do my work than what most people would. It isn’t that I don’t know the stuff or pick it up. It’s just that one area that I have problems in.