Had to edit to add a picture of puch getting his bath. He was sitting so nice until you try to take a picture then he jumps up and has a fit.

I haven’t been on the last few day’s because I have been in bed since Thursday night. I got off work a little early. I came home got everything set up and gave the dog a bath. I took him out to the hose it went well.  He was sitting but anytime you try to take a picture he jumps up barks and gets excited and jumps around. After that I took him in and got a shower myself. Then I took him for a ride to go pick up JW from work. He was so happy to go for a car ride and to his daddy.

We came home walked the dog and JW washed dishes and started dinner. I finished cooking and washed dishes from dinner. We sat talked and watched tv. My right side was hurting. It wasn’t bad at all just dull pain like maybe I pulled a muscle or something. I didn’t pay much attention to it or think anything of it. In a bit it went away.

We went to bed around 11watched the news and talked for a little while. I fell a sleep while he was watching his shows. I normally wake up a time or two in the night to use the bathroom or from being hot. I got up once and laid back down. I was rolled facing him he had his back to me. Just as I was falling back to sleep good he rolled over put his arm over me. He laid his knee on my side. He hardly touched me with his knee. But all of a sudden the pain that shot through my side was so extreme. Before I even thought I shoved his leg over. I thought he was going to fall off the bed.

After that the pain didn’t stop. It just got worse and worse. To the point I started feeling sick and thought I was going to puke. Finally after about an hour I woke him up. I needed something in case I got sick because I could hardly move from the pain. I did not know if I would make it to the bathroom. I wanted him to know something was wrong in case something happened. If I passed out or he couldn’t get me up or something. And see what he thought.

Just him moving on the bed made it so much worse. After he helped me he went and laid on the couch. I finally decided I had to go somewhere and get checked out. I know I have a gallstone and pron to cycst and they hurt when they pop. Either one you never know if it is bad enough to be seen and something needs done or if it will just pass.

But once the pain was bad enough to make me sick it was time to be seen. I didn’t know what we were going to do. As far as I knew they were not allowing anyone in the hospital but the person being seen. Unless they are under 18 then one guardian could go in. They wouldn’t even let them wait in the waiting room. I hate being in the ER alone. When I am to that point of being sick I just want someone there. He said he was driving me over there I ask him if he was sure. He said there was no way in hell I was driving and it was to late to be calling anyone. I needed to go now not once we found someone, they got ready and finally got here. He said if he had to he would just wait in the truck for me and if they kept me he would find someone to pick him up. It would be later people would be up.

We got there he parked in front of the door, helped me out and inside. Once they had me sitting down he went and parked the truck and came back in. They stopped him at registration for him to answer all their questions. They came and took me back. Told him he could come back once they were done with him.

The doctor came in right away asked what was going on felt around and did his exam. He of course ordered blood work, urine and a CT with dye. Right after he went out JW was finally able to come back. I went to the bathroom then got sick for the first time. I mostly just was dry heaving. Very little came up. Then I was stuck in the bathroom. There were bars to hold onto around the toilet and it was so low to the ground. I had to squat in front of it hold the bar to hold myself up. I couldn’t bend over because of the pain. Then jw had to come help me up because of the pain. It was a mess. I ended up in there I don’t know how many times.

They finally came in to do the iv get the blood and give me floods. They wanted to do it in my arm by this point the pain was horrible and I still had done nothing but dry heaving. I felt sicker than ever. I been there 45 minutes or more with no offer of pain meds or anything. They see the vain really well but once they get in it rolls or moves they can’t get it they sit there and fish for it and most the time end up blowing it. I hate needles and can not stand when they do that. I knew if that happened then the way i felt I probably would of pucked everywhere. I refused to let her do my arm. She said they have CT with dye they need it in the arm blah blah. I said no they don’t the hand is fine and that they did it with it in the hand ever time before. She gave me a gown to put on I ask her if I could stay in my clothes. I was cold already and hurting to bad to be changing clothes. I told her I had nothing metal on. All I had on was sweatpants and t shirt. I felt so bad I wasn’t about to put jeans or my other pants on. I got JW’s sweatpants and one of his black tshirts so I didn’t have to put a bra on either. She said I just don’t want to get blood on your clothes. I said why would there be chance of that? She said from doing the iv. I said oh that is fine I’m not worried about that. She said just stick your arms through put it over your clothes for now. Really how much blood are you going to get from putting an iv in or even taking tubes after that. If it is way down in my hand. I could care less at that point i was comfortable in my clothes. If they got messed up i could replace them. He wasn’t caring he said leave them on it was fine.

She finally stuck it in my hand got it right away first try. Got everything she needed then said she was now going to give me the medication the doctor ordered. I ask what that was and she said zophran. I asked if he gave me anything for pain. She said no. I thought I might cry. She said this will keep you from getting sick and stop the stomach cramps. I said that isn’t the pain the pain is in my side no where near my stomach and this is not going to keep me from getting sick. I am getting sick from the pain until it is less or I finally get sick and empty my stomach I am going to be in there. She told me not to go to the bathroom to puke in this little bag she gave me. I can’t do that. It is so small the opening is as well i don’t want to sit there in the bed puking in front of everyone walking by or what.

Well the pain was getting worse and then the iv in my hand made it unable to really move or get comfortable. It was in my left hand the pain in my right side. I got up and was walking around beside my bed there. JW was telling me I needed to lay down not be moving so much. I couldn’t help it. I tried to put my arms on the table they roll up to the bed for you to use. I wanted to just lean on it it was against the wall. It was sticky and dirty. The floor in my room was nasty the trash running over into the floor. The one roll of toilet paper was nasty i threw it in the trash. So now I can’t touch the table to lean on try to help with pain. I am hooked to the iv can’t go to the bathroom i was getting man. I hit the call button this nurse or something came in. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She unhooked the iv to let me go.

I did have to go so I did. I was still about to get sick so I stayed in there. I honestly at that point felt better squatting down holding on to the bars. It took weight or pressure off my side. No sooner than i turned around and went to stoop down I got sick. It went all over the seat. I felt bad but I was trying. I thought earlier I seen blood in it but then thought no it was just something I had eaten. Now i seen it better was sure that was what it was. At that point most everything had come up i turned and spit in the sink and it was just bright red blood. I already told him I needed someone he was right on the other side of the door it was cracked. The bathroom was in my room and i open the door some when I finished using the bathroom. He went to find my nurse she came in there. I told her and showed her.

She said to me, I told you to stay out of here and if you had to puke to do it in the bag. Nothing about why I am puking blood. Or anything. I was mad I said I had to go to the bathroom and it happen before I could get out of here. I was getting paper towels trying to wipe my face and clear my nose and throat from what just happen she is being nasty. She did say the doctor decided to order something for pain since your still sick. If you get back in bed I can go get it. If you had puked in the bag i could of had that tested to see what is going on or what is wrong. There are reasons we tell you to do things. I said well like I said I didn’t know I went to the bathroom didn’t make it out. I asked what he was giving me for pain she said morphine. I ask if they could give me anything else told her how i had it before and on does i itched for 3 days. They told me it was normal and a side effect. She said it is a side effect but it is not normal to itch 3 days later. I told her how it done me when I was in labor she said you’re allergic to it. I said that is what I thought but they told me no. She said no you are. They ordered something else and gave me.

That only took the pain from like a 15 to an 11. But it was tolerable. They took me for the ct right after that that lady was really nice. She did the scan came gave me the dye and did the next one. Then took me back to my room. They finally came in around 6 something and said it was my gallbladder like I already knew. That I had stones in there but they didn’t feel they needed to keep me and take it out but I needed to get it done right away. Sent me on my way. For the last 8 years I have had one stone they said would pass that didn’t. In 2017 I still had the one stone. Now they say stones. But send me home again.

We got home around 7 something I stripped my clothes off I felt so dirty from that room and getting sick. I laid down. JW took a shower and came laid down with me and when he did I went right to sleep. I never even heard him get up and get ready for work leave nothing. Poor JW drove me over there sat with me helped me brought me home and turned around and was at work by 845am. His friend from work picked him up since I couldn’t drive him he said. He worked a 12 hour day and came home. I ask him to please go in late get some sleep at least before he went if he wasn’t going to call in. That is what I thought he had done when he came and laid down. He said no he just laid down with me for a few to help me feel better. He fell a sleep for about an hour that was it. He had only slept an hour or two before we went to the hospital.

I laid in bed all day and slept off and on Friday. I got up and went to get my meds they gave me from the hospital that was hell just driving there and back. I laid right back down. JW got home I was sleeping. I got up took my blanket and pillow to the couch sat there with him talked to him for a bit. He heated himself up something to eat took a shower and we went to bed. I slept through the night.

Saturday he had his friend pick him up on the way to work. I stayed home in bed again. The pain isn’t all the time it comes and goes like contractions and that is what it feels like but over in my side and radiates out from there. I got ready and picked him up from work at 8. We stopped by the house so he could change and walk the dog. Then went up the road and had dinner. I felt to bad to mess with getting anything ready or to cook. I knew he wouldn’t feel like it coming home at 8 after a 12 hour shift. I had not eaten since dinner Thursday evening. I was so hungry. Scared to eat anything. I had a grilled chicken sandwich and corn instead of fries. It didn’t bother me.

We pretty much came home showered and went to bed. I took my pain pills they helped me sleep but i got up to use the bathroom can’t get back to sleep. I was awake most of Saturday night but feel a lot better today. We went washed clothes I got what I hope to be my last covid test. Then we stopped to get something to put on the grill. Now we are home relaxing. The pain comes and goes still and got a little bad when we were doing clothes. But I think because it was so hot in there and I got over heated. I walked outside to the truck got a drink and felt better.


A lot has been going on I didn’t get to update everything I wanted to the other night and haven’t been back. I did get some things taken care of the last few days but still trying to get the last 3 pieces of the puzzle to fall into place by morning.

Ok Friday I got up went and picked my friend up and we headed south to go to the plasma donation place. We only have one in the county. She seen a thing for it online and it said that they would pay you $60 for your first 4 times of donating. Not sure why they call it donating because they buy it but it is what it is. I figured that would give me a $120 of the $200 I needed for rent.

I am not crazy about needles or my own blood but desperate times call for desperate measures and I am desperate. I got there and they needed more paperwork because of my name change, it didn’t match on everything. I gave them that and they sent me over to this little half door that leads into the are where everyone is hooked up donating. They call it a vain check. This guy comes over he checks my right arm then my left then my right again. He says wait and goes to talk to someone, she comes over and she checks my right arm then the left and then the right again. She says I have a good one in both arms but the right is better. She said the left is on something and will probably roll. She says that I am dehydrated, I should have drink more water that morning. I should not have drink the tea I did. I only had a few sips of tea probably not even a half cup. I ask her if I could go and drink some more water and come back. She said no that it would be better to come back. She said drink a lot of water the day before and the day of.

I didn’t even make an appointment to go back because I do not think they are going to do it even if I drink a gallon of water every day for a week and only drink water in between. Every time I go somewhere  to get an IV or blood taken they always say I am dehydrated. When I was pregnant with my 2nd I was in the hospital two days a week and the doctors office once a week for most of my pregnancy because I was dehydrated. I could go to the bathroom in their little cup and it looked like orange kool aid it was that bad, even with being there getting floods twice a week for about 8 to 12 hours each time.

Father of the Year was supposed to go yesterday and today and give me what he got but he didn’t offer to. He could careless what we have, don’t have, or need.

I can call the 5 to get a court date. I am hoping that they have everything and do not give me a hard time about it this time. I put everything in there that it asked for. I really want to get in there this week and get it over with. Before he has time to think about things and decide he wants to show up and try to stop it or change things with custody. We talked about custody for a while and he says he is fine with it this way and it is what is best for the kids for now since he don’t really have anywhere to set up for them to have their own space and things. But when everyone starts talking and putting their two cents in he may change his mind. I don’t think he would win anyway but I would just have to refile and file contested instead of uncontested and then it can drag out forever more if him and the judge want to.

The 5th will be our 13th anniversary and I been trying to get away from him for about 7 of those. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted dealing with him and trying to get this taken care of. But I figure that it is working out like it was supposed to for whatever reason and that maybe one day I will know. If for nothing more than my kids to not be on the street or living with other people and not having a home of their own or so that I didn’t lose custody of them to him and have to fight him over it then that is fine too.

They still have court dates open for Wednesday I hope I can get one for then. I am going to try and wait to get a copy of my papers before I leave instead of them mailing them to me. If they do then I am going to go down to the social security office and take care of everything I need to take care of there. as for getting my name changed and letting them know that he is going to be paying child support. Once I get my new social security card in the mail I can then go get it changed on my drivers licences. Then I have to get it changed with the college so I’m not rushing to get it done at the last minute with them. I think other than that there really isn’t anywhere else I need to change it with.

I want to get it done before the kids go back to school so that I don’t have to go in and change it with them and explain everything. Oh I also have to change it with the childcare people so that if or when that comes through I don’t have any problems with that. And the two scholarships the kids and mine and my loans we get because I have to sign the checks for them. I guess I have a lot more places to change it with than I thought. I have to see what I have to do to change it at the bank as well since they don’t have an office I can go into around here. I may have to come back to this page and look at all the places I have listed that I need to change it with so I don’t miss any. Doctors offices, insurance offices and I am sure I will think of more.

Now I see why so many people say they don’t change it because it is to much trouble to change it all over the place. But for me not changing it isn’t an option. I am not a Brown I don’t want to be known as a Brown. Most of them never liked me from the start and really don’t now so no loss there at all. You can read The Name Game if you want to see why I truly feel the way I do about changing it back. I don’t think my kids are going to feel one way or the other about it, if they do and I explain to them like I do in The Name Game then I am sure they will understand and probably agree.

{February 2, 2015}   Less and Less Time

Seems like every time I go to see my dad I get to spend less and less time with him. We got there just before one today and was leaving to come home a little after one thirty.

We went in and he was eating lunch. He had a sandwich and a pudding cup. He was trying to eat it but having a hard time. I ask him if he wanted help he gave it to me to feed him. When he was done he laid back down I got rid of the trash and things. I sat there on the floor by his bed and held his hand talk to him some. I could tell he was just so tired. He closed his eyes and seem to be resting peacefully for a few minutes there. My brothers wife and daughter was home and they were doing stuff making noise and things. He wake up look, he looked like it startled him a few times. I asked him if he wanted us to go and let him rest and he shook his head yes. The kids came in and gave him hugs and things. I hugged him told him the boys have appointments the next few days I didn’t know if I would get back there before Thursday to have them call me if he needed me or anything. I may get back tomorrow but I really didn’t know if I would or not.

We have therapy tomorrow will take about 2 hours mid afternoon. The time we have to leave to get there the time we get out the afternoon is pretty much gone it’s dinner time. Then Wednesday they have two hours it’s the same way we have to be here by 1/1:30 so they can get drink go to the bathroom get snack if we been out. Then they do therapy until 4:15. I got home found a card they all are supposed to see the doctor again Thursday at 3:30 and we go back to Nemores for my little guys arm Friday. Hope he gets his cast off and the pins out. We probably won’t be back this way until later either but we will probably still stop and see him because I know he will want to show papa he got it off if he dose.

I try not to go to late in the day because I know he gets tired easy and by dinner time he is ready to just sleep. We didn’t get to go for a walk today. It started raining when we got there. My brother said something about when he was done with his lunch to take him outside if he wanted to go. I told him we couldn’t go for a walk but we could go sit on the porch if he wanted to but he didn’t. I don’t know if he just wasn’t feeling up to it or if he just didn’t want the hassle of the chair and putting it in and out really. I think he was just really tired. He just seemed so wiped out and he hadn’t done anything but eat and things. Said he had a hard time last night with dinner. Not so much stuff getting sick and keeping his food down as there is stuff in his lungs. He gets choked up from coughing and things. They also think he is bleeding inside from the tumor again. There isn’t really anything they can do. The doctor the other week said he was glad he wasn’t and was surprised but that it could start again. They could give him the blood transfusion but he don’t want it and I don’t know really how many they can give you or if it would really make much of a difference. If he is losing it like they are saying. I have to think he isn’t losing it to horribly fast or I would think something would have happen. But I don’t know all we can do is go be with him as much as we can.

{January 21, 2015}   It’s Not Normal

Don’t know what to do with my oldest son. I feel bad for him he is my one with aspergers. He is really very smart and will talk to you about things that you wouldn’t think most 9 year old’s would know about. The things he says and talks about blows his therapist a way. He is so very sweet, loving, and caring.

But if something happens and he stubs his toe or he bleeds a little bit from something he freaks out. He thinks he is going to lose all his blood and die. Every time I tell him he isn’t and remind him that the last time he bleed a little bit he didn’t die it scabbed up and stopped bleeding and he is here and fine. He still just cries and gets upset thinking he is going to die.

When he loses a tooth I just pray it falls out before he notices it’s lose because if not and it starts to bleed he is in full panic and melt down. The best teeth so far he has lost are the ones he swallowed and never noticed lose. He is 9 he has been losing teeth since he was 4. Still it is lose something is wrong with him. It bleeds something is horrible wrong he is going to lose all his blood.

I know he can’t help it and that it is the aspergers that causes him to be that way. It’s just so frustrating because he is so worried and upset and there is nothing I can do to help him feel better or understand even though we been through it.

Tonight brought on a whole new upset melt down and scared something is wrong. He can’t go to the bathroom. I asked him the other week if he was having trouble going he said no. I figured he is just a boy and he is getting to that age. He is just going to take forever in the bathroom. Tonight he comes out all freaked out and upset he can’t go. I have some stuff here for the little kids because my little guy has some problems and my little bitty just went through a time where she wasn’t able to go. I looked up to see how much he could have and gave it to him. I told him he probably still wouldn’t go until sometime tomorrow. He has been back to the bathroom twice trying to force himself to go. I keep telling him he can’t do that he needs to just not worry about it and go.

I asked him when the last time he went was he says he don’t know. But he says that his stomach don’t hurt and that he don’t feel like he has to go. I told him not to worry about it sometimes you don’t go everyday and to just go to bed and we could get some fruit tomorrow and give him some more meds if he needed them. He is still all worried but he didn’t go, I guess he goes everyday and he is just upset and worried because he didn’t today. I finally got him to calm down for now and go lay down. I will give him a glass of hot water if he gets up again. If he still hasn’t went by Friday I will take him to the doctor so maybe she can maybe tell him something and make him feel better. I wanted to say they have these things you can get called suppositories you can get that will make you go if you really can’t but this is what you have to do with them. But I didn’t. I figured maybe it would make him decide that maybe not going for just a day was ok and what we were trying was better than that. But then I figured knowing him he would want to go get them. I am not going there tonight.

I just wish there was some way to make him see that you don’t have something horrible wrong or something horrible isn’t going to happen just because something little happens. That it is normal. He thinks it is not normal at all. If someone else bleeds or gets hurt he don’t want to hear about it or talk about it either. But he don’t get all upset about it if it isn’t him.

I thought as he got older it would get better but it hasn’t. It’s odd because they had to draw blood a while back two different times and he sat right there and let them do it. The firs time he started to get upset and things but we talked to him the tech did and he was ok. the next time he sat there chatted a way with them and never flinched. But he see’s a drop of blood at home and he freaks.

et cetera
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