Single___Parent___Life











{January 10, 2014}   Generational Curses and Bondage

I grew up in church from the time I was little. My mom or step dad use to take us and drop us off every Sunday and Wednesday. They even came with us once in a while. As I got into the youth group I stopped going. They always were doing stuff as a group parties outings camp and things and I was never allowed to go. I had a few friends but not many because most the kids knew each other outside of church or got to know each other out the events they did. I was kind of the outsider never really felt I fit in. After I got out of school and things I wanted to go back so I started looking for places to go and found that most churches in my area didn’t have groups for people my age. Not that they didn’t want to have them but they just didn’t have enough people that age coming. Most had either went a way to school or just didn’t come.

So I would go here and there once in a while. Then I started going with my moms friend when I didn’t have to work he would pick me up and I would go to his church. It was pretty big but not bad. I liked it but would like to find something smaller but it would do for not since I didn’t have a car and no where else to go. Not long after I started going I met my future husband and found out that he went there sometimes and his grandma still did. He went to church and things to but him and his friends had been trying some different ones out and looking for somewhere else to to go. They felt it was to big as well. The one had a show at a Christian radio station here in town and we would hang out there with her on Friday nights. After the show a lot of nights we would hang out and have our own little bible study until up into the night.

When we got together and I helped him get a job his bosses daughter told us about the little church she had been going to with her girls. We tried it liked it and that is where we have been since for the last 10 years off and on. We got married there and everything. We went all the time for years. Then when things started getting bad between me and him I stopped going so much. It just got to be do much to get up and get all the kids ready and take them and deal with all of them there after doing everything and going every where we had to go during the week and taking them with me. I had them pretty much 24/7 alone and had stuff to do with the kids every day but one. I couldn’t just take the one that had some where to go I had to take all 3 of them and keep the other two entertained why helping with whatever was going on for the one that was supposed to be there. By the time Saturday and Sunday rolled around I was dead to the world and didn’t want to move off the couch or get dressed. Much less drag them out to one more place. But I would we didn’t make it every Sunday but probably every other or so and Wednesday nights most the time.

Then it got to where every time I went I would have the ladies in the church coming up and telling me they were praying for me and my family. Randomly they would tell me that they didn’t know what I was going through but they had felt they needed to pray for us. Or they would say god told them to pray for us. A lot said they could tell something was wrong and that I looked to be at the end of my rope an like I needed help or someone to talk to. It was all I could do not to cry I would just smile and say thank you and that yeah we really could use them. Others I would just walk a way so they hopefully didn’t see the tears. I wanted tell them I wanted to talk to them I felt they cared and really meant well. But I was embarrassed I was hurt and upset I didn’t know what to think or do. I didn’t ask for help, I didn’t go to others with my problems. I worked them out figured them out on my own and if something needed done I found a way and got it done. I stopped going because I felt I was being dishonest and like I was lying to them. Because my other favorite things to say was we’er ok or I’m good just wore out from running with the kids. Not I’m so depressed I can’t stand it not i’m dying inside and hate life. I felt horrible because I had this big secret I was keeping from everyone. I don’t know why because my head told me they didn’t really care anyway they were just saying that stuff to be nice they didn’t want to be bothered with my problems and even if they did want to know or was there to talk to what could they do they couldn’t help me there wasn’t no help for me. This was my life this is how it is and this is how it was supposed to be. So I didn’t go back anymore for a long time after that.

Then me and father of the year went to talk to his grandma she asked us to come over when she found out we were getting a divorce. After that she brought this lady over to my house to talk to me. She had a group for women and I started going to it. I even started going to church with her and her family. I liked it but it was a little smaller than what I was looking for. I wanted something with a good childrens program. But I was going anyway. The kids had started going to church with their dad at his grandma’s church and they had a great program for them. I figured until I got things straight with me and found a good church it was better for them to go there. I don’t like to take them to a new church I don’t know a lot about. It worked out pretty good. In the womens group that I was going to we started talking about bondage and curses and things like that.

In the mean time I met Matt not long after I started going to my meetings and to church. The only time I really got to see him was on the weekends when the kids were with their dad and he was off work so I started going to his house and staying. It wasn’t supper far but a good little piece to go to church I had been going to or to my meetings. And with the way things were with me and father of the year still and then meeting someone I didn’t want to go there so I stopped going. He went but he had been going with his boys and in laws. I wasn’t going to go with his in laws for sure. But I told him I wanted us to find somewhere and start going. We did go to his once and to mine once but decided that we need to find something new. We went to one or two after that here and there. But he said he didn’t feel right about being there and us both still being married and then me being pregnant. I told him it was ok we didn’t have to tell anyone anything unless we wanted to and that we were working on getting all the stuff with out ex’s taken care of and that we didn’t have to be perfect to go. What mattered was that we were there and trying to turn things around and do things right and get our new family on the right track. That was right before everything happened and we didn’t really have a chance to go anywhere after that.

I started going again and taking the kids to the one they had grew up in the one we got married in again. But it just didn’t feel right and I stopped going again. My mom wants us to go to the one where I grew up but I really don’t care for that one. They have had so much happen and so much change and a lot of people have left. I really just want to get me and the kids a place and settled and find somewhere we can start going again.

But I also want to find somewhere that deals with and knows about Generational curses and bondage. I thought about it some when we were talking about it but I thought oh that don’t apply to me when I was going to my meetings. But with all that has happen in the last couple years I truly feel that there is something there. I don’t think it I can feel it. And when I look back at my life and my family I see a lot that no matter what or how hard I try I still seem to just fall right back and go through things that I know how to avid but just can’t. If I do I get tossed in on my ass and stopped into place like I had escaped and someone caught me and was angry about it.

I see me in my 30’s going through things that others went through in their teens and 20’s. That I thought I made it through I steered clear of that I don’t have that to worry about anymore because I got through that age. I did the things I was supposed to do and stayed out of trouble and a way from stuff I’m good. Then bam like a slap in the face here I am. I just don’t understand it. Something has to be there something has to be holding me back pulling me back and working against me. I have said a few times to my friends who have known me most my life What have I done in life that was so bad that me and my kids are going through the things we are now? Where did I mess up and go so wrong in life that my kids deserve to go through the things they have the last few years? Why am I going through the things I am? I am going to be doing some studying and research on this until I finally get some answers to these questions and then some. And hopefully figure out how to make things right again.

I try to think of big things that I did that were just so bad but hey maybe they weren’t big at all. Or it wasn’t big at all. Maybe it was the littlest tinniest thing I have done wrong that has made my life hell. It dose say no sin is bigger than any other they are all the same. I just don’t know. I really don’t do things. I just don’t know. And maybe I will never find answers this way and it has nothing to do with it I just have to wait and see what happens. If I don’t at least I learned something along the way right?



{July 15, 2013}   Not Good Not Bad

When my daughter was about 1 1/2 we moved into an apartment just the 4 of us. We had always had a roommate but we had my girl and was pregnant with our 2nd. It wasn’t feasible to have a roommate and I was ready to have my own space.  Our apartment was different than any of the other 23 there. We had a really big living dinning space and the kitchen was closed off by itself and very small. They said the two apartments right there use to be open to one big apartment years before. We didn’t have living room furniture we had to wait a few weeks for our tax money to buy some stuff. We wanted to buy new since it was our first place and we had the kids. We wanted to make sure it was clean and that it would last a while. I knew if we bought it new I would keep it forever before we got something else. I was on bed rest and had no one to watch my daughter so we put our bed in the living room when we first moved in. We didn’t have people over any way. We had to get settled and things and it was slow going since I wasn’t able to do much and he worked full time. This way all the boxes and things could be closed in the bedroom and the other rooms could be closed off so that my daughter had to stay in the living room with me in the day time. She could lay down there and take a nap with me since I couldn’t pick her up in and out of the crib and things. We had the tv set up so we could watch that.

After we had been there for a week or so I started noticing something at night. It would feel like someone was there or had been there. The feel in the room would change hard to explain. Then it started to feel like someone was walking around or standing back looking around looking for something. after a few nights of this I looked up one night and there was a man standing by the kitchen. He was an older white haired man all dressed like he was going on a trip. He had a little case with him and wore a hate. He was dressed pretty nice and in a long nice coat. Sometimes he would have his hat off holing it in his hands in front of him sometimes he would have it on. You could tell he was looking for something. I seen him a few times in the hall way. He would just stand looking into the rooms that were open. After a bit he would look a little sad and just go a way. If he had his hat off he would put it back on and get his case that he had sitting beside him.

I asked the people around and they said that there had been a older man and women who lived in the apartment next to me and that he went to a home and then passed before she did. Then she moved, they didn’t know if she was still alive or not. I always wondered if that wasn’t her husband coming beck looking for her. I don’t know why he would come to my apartment too if he didn’t remember what one was theirs or if had something to do with the fact that they use to be open into one. He hadn’t been when they lived there. But I know like my water heater was attached to who ever lived next to me at that time.

It was another thing I wasn’t scared of him or anything it didn’t really bother me. The only thing that really bother me was when he would stand back and look. Wasn’t like he was just watching or what to see what was going on. It just bother me that feeling you get when someone is looking at you or watching you.

It was just a good thing in the fact that it wasn’t something negative and something that scared me.



{July 8, 2013}   I Can Just Tell

Have you ever been somewhere and felt that something had happen there in the past? Then know what it was and see it in your mind? I don’t know what it is or why but different places I have lived I have gotten these feelings about and see these things that I feel have happen there in the past. I never know how far in the past it happen or if it every really happen. But it feels really it feels very real and I see it as if I was there. When it happened. Can think of many places that we have lived I felt this way about.

It all really bothers me a lot because it seems that the things I see that have happened are always bad things. People fighting, killing each other, their self, something happening to people. I have only seen two things that didn’t bother me and upset me. The rest really bothered me or scared me.

I never told anyone about this for years and years I didn’t know what to think or what others would think when I told them. Who do you tell that kind of thing too anyway? I didn’t tell my family because they are the worse ones to talk to about anything. They don’t do anything but make rude comments or remarks. I didn’t want my sister or brother to hear me telling anyone either because I didn’t want them to be scared places we lived.

Once after I had my first baby I went to talk to a women she was a Christian counselor, I was going threw a hard time with my mom and my ex. We were all living together. I was starting to get really depressed again. I don’t know why when I was there something kept telling me to ask her about it and talk to her about it. I finally did after we had talked for a while. She asked if I ever played with the Ouija board or anything like that. I really never have, I don’t remember ever even being around one or seeing one much less play with one. I seen them in the store and on tv but didn’t know anyone who had one.

She said that for whatever reason I was open to spirits and things like that. She said different ones will be drawn to us depending on different things we do in our life. She said it seemed that I had open myself up to negative spirits. They had attached their-self to me threw something I had done somewhere I had been or something I had been around. I wasn’t sure what all she meant by this or what I could have done or been around that I would have even picked something like that up.

I didn’t really see her to much after that. I got busy and things and just never went back. I seen her here and there and at church and we would talk but that was about it. I never got back into that with her again. It just never seemed we had enough time. I really didn’t understand what she was talking about in a lot of ways either.

I grew up in church all my life and was going all the time then too. But they had never really talked about things like that. They did some but mostly just the stories out of the bible talking about God casting the demons out of the the people. They never went into how they picked them up or that it could happen to people in ways still and things like that. A few of the churches I went to really didn’t believe in all that. I guess they did but didn’t believe that could happen today I guess. They believed that was all old stuff. One reason I stopped going there. Not because of that one thing but because I seen that they didn’t believe and teach a lot of things in the bible. This was before I got into the things about the spirits and things like that.

The years came and went and I lived a few different places and seen some more things and still never really talked to anyone about it. I kind of forgotten about what she had said and just went on. Never really looked into it after that. I was busy with the new baby and things. I did notice that from the time was like 12 or so it seemed like every time I went to church when they would preach they were talking straight to me and there was no one else in the room. Whatever that had been going on or whatever I had had a problem with that was what they were preaching about. I went a lot when I was a kid but at times if I didn’t have a ride or was a way at my dads I didn’t get to go. Sometimes I might miss a couple weeks. But it didn’t matter because when I went back it was still the same.

When I was a senor in high school my boyfriend started going with me when he was here. We started talking after a class one day about what they preached and taught about that day and I told him. How every time I go no matter how long it had been since I went last time it always seemed like they were talking right to me and no one else was there. He said its just God talking to you and that it was great that I had such a strong connection that it was like that. How it was so great and things. I got out of going to church so much after high school with working and things. I still went here and there but not as much and I started noticing that when they preached it always seemed like the same old thing over and over again or just really made no since to me or really just had no mean to me. I felt like I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I thought about it and it was because it wasn’t like it use to be it wasn’t like they were talking straight to me. It was like I was out here in left field dealing with whatever and they were over there in right talking about something different. I still went for a long time but then when things happen with me and ex the last few years I stopped going.

When we split up I had gotten back into going the start of this year. I was going all the time and taking the kids. Then I met RC and just kind of stopped going. We talked about it and was going to find a church and start going together because he says he had been going too. I didn’t want to go to his church because it was the same church I had gotten out of years ago because they didn’t believe in all of the bible and things. Pluse he went there because that was where his ex’s parents went and she went there. I just didn’t feel it was a good match. Most of the people at my church stopped talking to me when I split up with my ex and that is where we had gotten married and went for 9 years. We went to a few together and tried them there a month or so before we split up but we hadn’t found one we really liked and he never really wanted to go. After we found out I was pregnant and things he really didn’t want to go. He said he didn’t feel right the way things were between us and our ex’s and us being together and then me being pregnant. He said it bothered him about the kids and things too. and that he thought we should wait until we got something straightened out before we went. That he wanted to fix things and that we needed to sit down and talk to the kids and explain things to them. But he never bothered to try to fix things. He would just get mad because I wasn’t doing things with what was going on with my ex the way he thought I should or as fast as he thought I should. That’t a hole other post that isn’t even worth writing.

I have felt like I needed to get back into church for a long time and when I had gotten back into it the fist of the year I was part of a women’s group and they started talking about different things having a hold on us and stuff like that. How there are curses and different things that are passed down threw families and that if someone don’t break them they just keep getting passed on and that is why there are so many thing wrong in the world today. How the divorce rate is up so many people are hooked on drugs and things like that. Because it is passed down and it is an addiction something that has got a hold of you and that won’t let go. I am probably the worse person to really explain it but I am trying to the best way I can. I am trying to get it right and make it make since.

In a way I can believe it because I look at where I am and my life and I look at my mom and dad and the things that happen between them and my life isn’t much different than my moms. No matter how hard I tried to do better and no matter how hard I want things to be different for my kids they are living threw the same things I did. There are so things different but way more that are the same. Just like me and my ex splitting up and getting a divorce. I thought of it the other day I was about my daughters age when my parents split up and got divorced my son is about my brothers age. I with in maybe a year. My mom and my dad were together for just at 10 years. This July was 9 for me and ex.

I sat down and talked to this preacher at this new church I was going to because the lady didn’t know a lot about what I told her about the feeling and seeing that something happen places and things like that. Bondage that was the other word I was looking for people are in bondage and it can be passed down threw the years. But I sat down one day and talk to him about all this and he was talking about the curses, bondage and things like that that get passed down and that we have to break them to keep it from happening over and over again. He was saying that some of these groups out there people think are Christian groups and things but it is more like a cult and that they call curses down on them selves and each other and things. He was asking me if anyone in my family was a member of anything like that and different things that can cause stuff. As far as I knew no one in my family was unless it was back a few years. I knew that my ex’s grandfather had been in one and that some of it could be something I married into.

Then when I went to my grandpa’s after he passed right after I got there me my dad and my cousin was talking and my dad said something about my grandpa’s tie and not being able to find it. They were getting his clothes ready that he was going to be put in that day. I said we can go buy one tomorrow if we have too. He said no you can’t buy it it is a x tie and named this one main group that me and this preacher had been talking about. I had never knew all these years that he was a member of anything like that. I use to see him a lot when I was little he lived not far a way. But then he moved a way why I was still little. I would talk to him on the phone and we would go see him now and then for the weekend or he would come see us for a day or two but that was it. I was surprised I don’t know what to think really. I also noticed that a lot of the people from this group go to church they don’t want everyone to know what they are and things. But what I noticed is they all mostly go to that one church that I grew up in and got a way from when I got older because they didn’t “believe” or preach a lot of what was right there in the Bible. They only preached what they wanted to left a lot out.

So for years I have been around this even though I didn’t know it and wasn’t a part in it. He also told me the preacher that a lot of these card games and roll playing games that people play are all like a cult and things like that. I know when i was in school a lot of the guys I hung around with played these card games all the time at school and would meet up and play and a bunch of people I was friends with did a lot of these roll playing games and went to all these different things. It was just nothing I ever really got into. I can’t tell you why just not my thing. I have had all this stuff around me for many years and never reliased it and what it really was.

They say the fact that I went to church and was in church and so into it may be why I was more open to having this stuff attracted to me. and that if I already had stuff there it could let more in.



et cetera
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